I'll admit, because of some universal fail of mine, the archive loaded the second chapter before the first, but even so, this is a very interesting and genuinely moving introduction to a story, and I loved it.
As for the circumstances, I can somewhat empathise. I have moments at parties (those to which I am even invited) where I question whay I am even there.
Almong with the empathy, the way the events are played, you genuinely feel sad for poor Molly, who is very well portrayed, too.
Even though I have read very little of this so far, I am looking forwards to the rest of it, nicely done!
-RHAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I really appreciate your feedback! :) Report Review
Nice chapter! I was surprised when Lorcan told Molly that she 'couldn't keep living like this.' What happened to 'you're wonderful the way you are?' I feel like Molly seems to be really lacking in social confidence, but I think she's got her head screwed on right, which is more to say than her sister or those jerks at the party. :) Lorcan seemed a little out of line and shallow in that part. Or, was Lorcan referring to her home life issues? Just a thought!
This is a really wonderful story. I'm definitely adding it to my favorites. Excellent job! 10/10
AetherAuthor's Response: Chapter 3 is still under-going re-writes. Me and my beta (shout-out to my lovely friend luvinpadfoot) are working hard on it. YAY! She does lack self-confidence... MAJORLY! I am so glad you picked up on that because it will become SO important later. Lorcan... eh. I still haven't really gotten a sense of him, so more re-writes and better development to come... don't worry! I want you to love him, because the way I see him is ADORABLE and I just need to work on conveying that to you :)
Thank you so much for reviewing all 3 chapters. Do me a solid and yell at me if I haven't updated this story in a week over on the forums! :)
(YAY for 3 way too long authors responses with me rambling!)
~Camillia Report Review
Wow. Just wow. This story is amazing. I seriously am so glad I'm doing the review battle now because I wouldn't have found it otherwise. The way you portray Molly is refreshing and wonderful. It's clear that you've really thought about all your characters - from Lucy to Molly's parents to Lorcan. I love how excited Molly was about getting Prefect, and I also like the angsty bit about her family at the end. The whole situation and all the characters are really relatable and realistic.
I'm really enjoying this story so far!
AetherAuthor's Response: THANK YOU! I hope you didn't feel like you had to review every chapter! I am so glad you think that. I struggled a lot with Molly's character BECAUSE she was so un-written I guess you could say :) I TREASURE your comment about characters... I wish you could see all of my character maps and bios... I put a ton of work into it and I am so gratefull that it came across. That angsty little part was recently added to again alienate Molly to set her up for going back to Hogwarts but also to see a bit more of Molly's voice that lacked in the first version ;) I should hope they are realistic... The whole punch accident happened to ME! :) Report Review
Hi, I'm here from the review battle. This is a really great start to your story. I could really feel for Molly in this chapter, and I don't think there are enough stories about Molly, either. :)
I feel really bad for her! I can't believe how mean those sixth years are to her in this chapter. Does she have any friends, other than her cousins? Or do they not like those sorts of parties?
I'm excited to read more and see where this goes!
AetherAuthor's Response: Hello there fellow RAVEN! :)
Thank you so much for your review. She may very well have had friends/cousins but the point was to set her up for failure and alienate her from everyone else. :/ You'll understand later :P Thank you for your time and reviews! You ROCK MY SOCKS!
(Hides in embarasment because I actually just said that...) Report Review
To start off my review, I would like to applaud you for selecting such an uncommon character as your protagonist. You seem to have created such a solid character for Molly, which readers can relate to. You did a wonderful job with regards to characterization.
Additionally, I found no major spelling or grammar mistakes, so good job.
Now, moving on to plot. This chapter was relatively short and did not seem to have much plot. I think you skipped over some potential areas where additional plot could be added, especially during the party.
Overall, nice job and keep writing!Author's Response: Thanks! I deffinently felt that too! Thanks for the help! Report Review
Emesias here with your requested review!
Aww poor Molly! This is a pretty good start!
Grammar/ Spelling: I think you're good with this part. I didn't spot anything that is alarming so good job!
Characterization: I like how you've set up your Molly character. She seems to have a lot of potential and seems to be quite a promising character. I can't wait to see how she develops throughout the chapters ^_^
Plot/ flow: Like I have said, I think that you are off to a good start here. The first chapter seems to be written in a way that would be open for anything to happen. I'm really excited to see what you have in store ^_^ As for the flow, so far its going well, but I'm going to have to go through the rest of the chapters to really know for sure.
Overall, good job! ^_^
Happy Writing! 9/10Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much! My beta and I have been working dillegently on spelling and grammar, so thats wonderful news. I'm really happy you like Molly, I have lots of plans for her! Thanks again for the review! Report Review
I really like this story! Please keep writing more :) It is written well so far and Im intrigued to see what the story line is going to be because the story summary is vague but cool :) Love it!Author's Response: Thank you! Chapter 3 should be posted soon! :) Thank you for reading and reviewing and just being fabulous :) Report Review
Poor Molly! What little *censored* boys!
Alright, so I am finally, yes, finally here with your review!
Grammar: This was good, and there were only a few minor errors--which is always a good thing!
Flow: This was also good! There wasn't any messy transitions and you smoothed out the seams well!
Imagery: This was pretty good, but perhaps add some details about the party scene? I liked the details about Lucy...I think it really gave me the...Jezebel impression you wanted! Or, at least, I think you wanted.
Characterization; This was really good, actually! I feel like I really know Molly, and I already don't like lucy too much(; I love Louis! He is such a sweetheart! Even the characters that weren't around too long, like George, you gave me a really good impression of, and thats just brilliant! I am really hoping to see more of Louis, even if Molly can't ever be with him. I can still fangirl over him;D I want to see more interactions between Molly and her piers--if there is any, she may prefer solitude, but who knows? I think you really picked an under-loved character and I'm excited to see you give her a story!
Plot: I think it is interesting, and I'm not sure how you're going to approach it yet. I'm excited though! It
seems as though you can make it a funny, interesting journey to who she really is, or a dramatic, yet wonderful journey. I am excited to read, because I very ell could be wrong! It has happened before! I really, really want to know more because right now I simply don't know enough to even guess what the outcomes could be!
(sorry for the space here, the review thing is messing up)
It seems like it could be cliche, but I think you are approaching it in a tasteful way which is making it rather unique in its own way.
Reader Interest: I have twenty two million bajillion thousand (like my number?) questions. Theres so much I want to know about everyone. I'm really wondering where you're going to take this and if there will be a romantic interest brought into play for the lovably awkward Molly!
I think theres a lot of potential to this, and I'm excited to see how you shape your story and characters! Happy writing hun!
EverAuthor's Response: Wow! Thank you so much for your help, Ever! This is so awesome, and I am so thankful for you, girl! :) Thanks for the advice and the motivation :) Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)
I thought this was a really great start. Right away you did a good job characterizing Molly; even compared to her little sister I instantly felt my heart go out for her when she was sort of instantly shoved to the background as the less interesting cousin.
You mentioned britpicking and I'm sorry to say I can't help you there! I didn't notice anything major though, so I think you did a good job there. (at least from my view :p )
You also asked about CC so one thing I noticed was her emotions were very extreme. In the beginning she slammed the car door shut and stalked away from it, which made me think she was NOT happy about this party, but then she was laughing so I thought she wanted to be there, and then her distasteful looks towards Lucy made me think she wasn't happy to bet there. So, my suggestion would be to go with the idea that she doesn't want to be there, and add a little bit to her laughing to make it as if she's being sarcastic; make her say how she put on a fake smile for her mom and talk about how she doesn't want to really go but she knows she should. Again though, just a suggestion! :)
I thought the moment with Uncle George was really sweet how she made him go back upstairs. I completely remember doing that to my parents (banishing them up the stairs) so it gave a bit of reliability in a humorous way. She seems, to me, like she fits in more with the older generation than with her peers.
I'm certainly not a grammar expert but I did notice a lot of commas. What I would suggest is to read out loud your writing (it sounds a bit silly, but bear with me)-- if you read things out loud or even whisper them to yourself you'll notice where some of your commas aren't necessary even if they feel right when you're first typing things. Do a read-over and take out the commas wherever the pauses seem unnatural.
I'm really interested to see how you plan on having Molly grow through this. I felt so bad for her to see her leaving a party crying and I already want to cheer for her and see her succeed.
The ending, too! I thought the ending was brilliant with the princesses and miracles-- I really like Molly from that line. You've got a really neat start here and the things I pointed out are very minor. Feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter posted :)Author's Response: WOW! Thank you so much for all your help! this is so cool, and I will deffenintly be taking all of your advice... You are a life saver! :) Thanks again for your help! :) Report Review
Yay! A Molly II story! Those are few and far between for me and I like that it's also a Molly that is relatable and not totally prissy and female version of early Percy :P
You've done a wonderful job of setting up your story of change (because that's where I assume this is going). Molly's attitude through this whole thing is just long-suffering and miserable and it's something I can practically feel to my toes. :( I think we've all been there with the teenage angst and you've gotten it down. You've also given us a bit more reason with Molly of why she would feel that way.
Audrey's over-fussing on her eldest showed where Molly was coming from. The slights from her own family (minus Louis and George) greatly illustrated how Molly was an "afterthought" (an apt description I thought). When Roxanne asked Molly to get the beverages I was silently fuming.
I can't believe how Molly just took it when those bullies poured that stuff on her! And how no one from the clan even seemed to notice?!? That seems off to me but I guess there will be more explanation as I read on.
Like I said, a very good set up chapter!
xCharAuthor's Response: WOW! Thank you so much for this, I really appreciate it. You are so sweet! Thank you for bringing the whole weasley clan point to my attention... I never really thought about that, so thank you!
Thanks again for your AWESOME review, hope to catch you around the forums again soon! :) Report Review
I love this story so far!:) keep writing!Author's Response: Thank you! This means so much to me! Thank you for taking the time to review, you're the best! :) Report Review
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