It's Santa time again!
Okay, first things first. Like I said in my last review, I really like your dialogue. It flows really well and seems natural. Also everything is well written. I haven't seen many typos/errors other than a few missing dots and commas. Well done!
Your characters are interesting, and I think you're doing a good job in showing different sides of them, and also making them different from each other. There are many new characters and I'd like to know more of them, but I think you've found the right pace to introduce them and give us some information, without overwhelming your readers. That's always important.
Why did Tiffany get in the changing room if she wasn't supposed to see it? I think that was left a bit unclear and could use some more information, or at least speculation.
I'm liking this Matt guy very much. He seems nice.
And Albus! I like him, and I can see he's really trying to get along with Tiff. Why doesn't she like him? Has he done something? Maybe we'll find that out later.
Okay, not liking the idea of the after party with no teachers. Especially since they're just going to leave? I mean, it sounds cool and everything, but really? Those teachers would lose their jobs if they did that, so I just don't see it happening. But maybe I'm just too old d:
I think you do a good job with your descriptions and details, but there could always be more of it. Just a few sentences here and there maybe. But it's just a suggestion. It already works the way it is too.
Keep writing! I like the idea of your story, so you should definitely update this soon!
~SantaAuthor's Response: Hello again :) Thank you :) aha, punctuation is my one true enemy :P Thank you for all the help again!
-Julia xx Report Review
It's me again, your Secret Santa!
I liked this chapter. The pacing was much calmer than in the first one, and I think it worked.
I like your characters and that they're all different. I think James is my favourite. There's just something about him that I like. Maybe because he's so nice and supportive of Tiffany (whom I like too)
Luke is fun too. Only thing that bothers me with him is that he's supposed to be a professor, so I think the way he acts with Tiffany when there are other people around is a bit unprofessional. I get it that they're cousins, but what about all the other people who don't know it? I bet it was quite awkward for Harry and Ginny to witness that little banter between them when the families were saying their goodbyes.
I really liked your descriptions in this one. About the new school and especially the portkey scene! That was done really well!
Also, I like your dialogue. I think it's nice and that the characters sound like their age. So nice work with that!
Okay, I have to admit, I don't like the idea of a shared room at all. I don't think that any teacher would agree to put two underage students of opposite sex in the same room. So if that's not completely necessary for your story, I'd change that. I mean, I'm sure there will be a lot of drama and awkward situations and so on, but I just don't think it would happen really.
Also, a little tip. You don't have to press enter after every sentence. It would flow much better if you combined them into longer paragraphs.
But yeah, that's just a technicality. Other than that I really enjoyed this, ad I think you have a good story in your hands! Keep writing!
~SantaAuthor's Response: Hello Santa :) Thank you for your review! It's been really helpful :) I'm glad you like the characters, and I get what you mean about the room thing.. Thank you for the advice
- Julia xx Report Review
HOHOHO, Merry Christmas! And big apologies for being so late! This Santa has had a very busy Christmas and when it would've had time, HPFF wasn't co-operating /: but I'm here now so better late than never, right?
Okay, let's get started. Tiffany! She's one big firecracker waiting to explode, isn't she? I'd hate to be Albus right now...
I really like the idea of exchange students! Usually it's a student transferring to Hogwarts, but this time we get to see another wizarding school so that will make things more interesting and fresh! Great idea!
Suggestion: Maybe add more dialogue tags? At somepoints I got a little confused who was talking. Especially in the scene with McGonagall. There was just so much shouting going on and I wasn't sure who was wo anymore and then suddenly she's being dragged away by her cousin/professor (which was a nice thouch also btw) So maybe work on that scene a bit more?
But I really enjoyed this chapter and think it was a lovely start. Can't wait to read more!
Happy holidays and see you soon!
~SantaAuthor's Response: Yay! Santa! ;)
Ohh Tiff, she must be a subconscious way for me to vent..
Thank you, but I can't take any of the credit, there was a challenge on the forums :)
Mmm, almost everyone has said that so I might go back and edit it at some point..
Thank you Santa ;)
Happy Holiday's! xx Report Review
Hiya! Sorry I'm so late with getting back to you with this review - life is very busy at the moment! I've been feeling really guilty, sorry. D:
But anyway, this is looking good! I already like Tiffany; I have a soft-spot for troublemaker characters to be honest. But just make sure it doesn't become a little cliched? I like the plot twist where one of the Professors is her cousin, that's a really nice idea.
There are quite a lot of characters introduced in this chapter, which actually works rather well and helps the flow along. I got a little confused about the plot at times, but I can get the main idea: Albus and Tiffany are going on some sort of exchange. I've read lots of transfer fics but not an exchange one, so that was nice.
Just be careful about the 'voice' of your narrator if that makes sense; you want to make sur your main character is well-rounded and depthy, so perhaps tone down the things like *Sarcasm alert.. Sarcasm alert* I know you only do that once but now and then Tiff can sound a little... phony?
But apart from that, this was a really enjoyable read!
Again, sorry about lateness of review. :/ Good luck with the rest of the story!
-LWGAuthor's Response: Hi! I'm sorry about the huge delay in response.. I usually respond when I first see a review, but I was an my phone and I can't reply with that etc.
Thank you :) She's like the opposite of me, although she's probably the reason why she's the opposite.. I think I channel alot of my aggression and evil through her, aha ;)
Yeah when I was first writing it, my friend was all like: 'Julia, be careful that doesn't seem like he's her boyfriend or something' as I hadn't immeadiatly put in he was her cousin...
Yeah, this is total new ground for me.. I've never moved schools or anything, and most of the girls from my primary school go to my secondary school, so I've never had to turn up half-way through the year at a place where I don't know anyone...
Mmm, I'll try to tone it down a bit :?
Thank you! Tis fine hun :) Thank you! And you with your stories! xx Report Review
Hehe, a raffle for troublemakers. That's an easy way to export your troubles away ;D Why South Dakota, if I may ask?
I think it would help if you combined some of your sentences into paragraphs, as it would make it easier to read and also helps emphasize some of the points she makes. For example, this chunk of text would easily fit together into a single paragraph:
Well… maybe I would have; but this is Trelawney we’re talking about, no one actually liked her. Not even the Hufflepuff’s were that nice. I mean there’s a limit to how many prophecies of imminent death a person can take. You would have thought that the fact that no one has actually died yet would make her stop. But no… we have to have a prophecy ever bleeding month.
And it puts emphasis on the fact that they don't like Trelawney because she's constantly having prophecies, which is pretty funny!
I got a little confused in the conversation in the Headmistress' office, as I started losing track of who said what. Same with Rose; it works mostly when we already know who's talking or at least an idea of where she is, or else I'm wondering what exactly I should be imagining at first. I snuck a look to your revews; descriptions aren't to be feared! They just have to be added in at the appropriate moments, and I like the descriptions you have now.
I also spotted a few typos:
This is all Potters fault. -> Potter's
we have to have a prophecy ever -> every
your representing -> you're
It's nice to see Tiffany so close to the family she has left :) I can see her becoming an interesting character; certainly has a mouth to her!Author's Response: Aha, I thought it sounded like something McGonagall would do as a last resort :P And honestly, it was all down to the name; for the challenge I got the pairing and the North American school, which we were told to make up the name, place etc. and put it anywhere in the US... And bearing in mind, I'm English, and have never been to America, I think I google-checked there was a South Dakota, and put it there... But yeah, I don't know anything about America/Americans ._. It is a real place isn't it? I didn't just make it up, did I?
Paragraphs, paragraphs, paragraphs. How I hate them... I just get really confused nowadays, unless it's an essay or a script, I'm absolutely done for.. I'm thinking about getting a beta because I'm so bad... I'll change thatand the typos soon :) Thank you for pointing them out! :)
Mmm, I'm sorry about that.. Another thing I have to work on... Yay! I'm glad you like them *fangirling*
Mmm, I think that's my aggression coming out... I really shouldn't of quit playing netball... But yeah, she swears like a sailor... ._.
Thank you! Your reviews been so helpful, and I'm fangirling as I LOVE your writing, and graphics... (I'm also on TDA ;))
Thank you! xx Report Review
THIS IS SO COOL! how i never saw this, i will never know, i mean, I ADORE THIS STORY OH PLEASE PLEASE UPDATE SOON!!!Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad you like it :) It literally got updated the day you reviewed it, but I'm writing the next chapter, so hopefully it'll be up soon...
Thanks for the review! xx Report Review
*squeals* New chapter! With some Tiffbus action too. Well, conversation at least. I do like Matt though. He seems pretty real from my (albeit fairly limited) knowledge of teenage boys ;)
My favourite scene from this chapter and probably the while story so far is the locker room one. It made me laugh.
Anyway, well done. I hope the next chapter comes soon *cough*potkettleblack*cough* Email it to me next time!
~Rosie xAuthor's Response: *squeals back* Tiffbus ;) I thought you liked Miff! Aha, well i's better than some of your ship names *cough*Jonulia*cough* Aha, thank you :) Mmm, that was quite fun to write as well ;)
I started it yesterday so hopefully it should update before Christmass or something ;) Ah, well see :P xxx Report Review
That was great Julia!
Loved the bit about the Beater's Bat, made me laugh like crazy, everything else was also spectacular :P
Well written as with the first two chapters, can't wait for more!
P.S Sorry for distracting you with messages, and I hope you get your happiness from me leaving you a review ;)Author's Response: Thanks Jonny! :D
Aha, that's one of my favourite parts aswell! :)
I've started writing so an update should occour before Christmas.. ;)
And No problem darling, the distractions are welcome! :)
And those kids with the sparkly stuff...consider them out-happied ;)
Thanks for the review dear xxx Report Review
Me again :P
Again, a very interesting storyline, with good use of what some might call 'complex' language :)
You seem to have worked on the issue with not much detail between the dialogue, so I now can't find anything to fault!
Looking forward to the next chapter,
~JonAuthor's Response: Heya! Thank you, and I try ;)
Thank you :) It's so nice to have someone say that!
I'mma writing it now so it should hopefully be up by the end of the month, but I can't promise anything ;)
Thanks again :)
x Report Review
You have a great sense of humour and some good writing skills :)
Only thing I'd work on (I know 'asdfghjkl' had already said this) would be that you try and add more detail between the dialogue, otherwise it's perfect :)
~JonAuthor's Response: Hi hun, thanks for reviewing :)
Yeah, I might go back and edit it slightly... :)
Thanks again hun!
x Report Review
I'm sooo sorry for the wait for the review my dear. Please don't kill me? Anyways, this was an awesome chapter. Again, I'm going to rant about how much I love James. He seems to be just what Tiff needs :)
Also, Al! Hehe, I'll be excited to see what they get up to abroad. I'm guessing some shenanigans will occur?
Rosie Author's Response: You should be sorry, we will see... ;)
Thanks sweet cheeks :D He's pretty awesome isn't he? :)
Wait and see, what and see...
I vill try, but it might not be for a while as I'm away for ages... xxx Report Review
hey its caitlin (rosie's sister!)! love it! tiff is epicAuthor's Response: Aww thanks sweetie :)
She swears like a sailor though :P
xxx Report Review
You have a good humor, I love how it shines through your work. I can't wait to see the next chapter.Author's Response: Thanks sweetie! Your review just made my day :D I'll update soon :) x Report Review
Mu Mu!! Love it!! You know I would have reviewed sooner if there had been freaking wi-fi in Spain, but you're going to have to settle for this now because apparently the Spanish do not believe in wi-fi or caffeine, at least not where I was. Anyway, enough apologies, onto the review.
I liked this chapter sooo much! You added in lots more detail to the part I read before, and I loved the relationship between Tiff and James. It's nice to have them friends without having to have anything more. The only crit would be that I noticed a couple of grammar mistakes, but that's really not a problem with a story as awesome as this ;)
Congrats hon, I can't wait to read on!
Rosie xAuthor's Response: Awww thanks sweetie!!!
Your pitiful excuses please me ;)
Thanks hun, I'm glad you liked it!
Yeah Tiff and James are cool ;)
I hate grammer. Gr.
Thanks so much sweetie, I'll update soon. xxx Report Review
This was actually a really lovely start to the story - I would have liked just a bit more description, but your dialogue flows well and sounds realistic, so that's okay. I love your characters so far; Tiffany is so rebellious but in truth she's just so scared, and James is always a sweetheart and Jacobs is awesome ;) I have noticed one thing, though - your spacing is really wacky, and there's a huge space between the review box and the author's note, so you might want to fix that. I can't wait to find out what happens next, though, so update soon!Author's Response: Awww Thank you so much! - You have literally made my day! Yeah someone else said about that so I'll work on it! :) Thank you! Tiff sure is rebellious, but she's so completely different really than how she lets on! It's so much fun writing her as there is soo much I could do with her! James is just adorable isn't he! I have to keep reminding myself it is an Al pairing, NOT a James!! ;) Yeah Jacobs is pretty cool! He is so much fun to write though; he's just so immature! :D
Yeah, it's something that happens whenever I go to submit something...I've got a CI being made for this so once it gets sompleted I'll put it in and edit the spacing and any spelling mistakes ;) I've got at least half the next chapter written so I just need to finish and type it up and it'll be in the queue, hopefully by the end of the week :)
Thanks for the review hun!
-Julia x Report Review
The idea for this story is really interesting!
But I think there's a bit too much dialogue and not a lot of explaining what's happening between the people (if you get what I mean).
Otherwise, though, keep writing! :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review hun :)
Really? okay thanks hun, I'll try to improve that; it's just because I used to write really descriptively and loads of people said it would be better to just have action and I only wanted to give away some of the details... Well I gave away a lot but, you know there's more to come! So I could drop stuff throughout the story :)
Thanks again hun :)
-Julia :) Report Review
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