Reading Reviews for The Fancie Girls
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by UnluckyStar57 (Etty) Choices Were Made

5th July 2013:
Hi! I'm here with the review you requested a little while ago. :)

First of all, I'd like to express my awe of you for tackling this concept of five very different girls living in the same house. It looks like they're going to alternate chapters throughout, and that's definitely a lot of things to keep track of! It's really cool that your idea is going to grow into something very, very big. :)

About the tense changes: At first, I didn't notice them, but upon further inspection, I did. I think that most people might not notice it, but just for consistency's sake, you might want to pick a tense and edit the chapter accordingly. It makes for a more connected chapter overall, I think. :)

About Etty: She's mean, 'tis true, but maybe there's something else there? She, as a twelve-year-old girl (she IS twelve, right?), is bound to be catty and mean sometimes--I still remember middle school, and the raging hormones make that sort of thing hard to avoid. It's great that she's so passionate about music and fashion designing, because that gives her a creative outlet for all that added Veela drama. The thing that I'd really like to see from her character in the future is a more rounded-out personality. I totally understand that right now, it's only the beginning. She's got a whole road ahead of her, but along that road, I'd like to see some surprises. Maybe she doesn't fit in at Hogwarts, or maybe someone is mean to her instead of the other way around. Something needs to happen to her to help her see that the world is not hers to create and destroy at will. With a little introspection, Etty could become a great person. She just needs to spend a little time in other people's shoes. :)

One point of confusion: I read your first chapter, but there were things mentioned in this chapter that I was confused about. How old are all of the girls? How old is Donaugh? It's just a little unclear to me, and I'd like to be sure of it.

As for everything else, your spelling seems to be pretty good, and your grammar is good, too. There are a few sentences that could be tweaked, but otherwise, you're golden. :)

I also like how you've got little factoids about the characters. It makes things a little more personal. I think it would be really cool if you could weave those into the action of the story after you mention them. (As in, you mention a fact in one chapter, then a couple chapters later, you weave it in.)

That's all for now! :)

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #2, by AlexFan (Etty) Choices Were Made

3rd July 2013:
You slipped up on your verb tense a lot during the chapter, even more than the last chapter. It's not that it's a big deal the verb tense slip ups were very obvious because there were so many of them and it made the writing and flow of the story slightly choppy.

I'm not that fond of Etty actually. I find it hard to feel sorry for her and the fact that other kids pick on her when the way she acts and thinks is no better than them. She judges Cailin based on the fact that she dresses like everyone else that she knows and she starts talking about Cailin's figure AND CAILIN IS A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL GOING THROUGH PUBERTY.

Etty comes off as incredibly shallow, vain and mean. If she's like this towards the kids in her grade then no wonder they pick on her, she's horrible to them!

For a character that was described in the first chapter as someone who would listen to your problems and be there for you, Etty sounds nothing like that. In fact I'd expect her to make fun of someone's problem and judge them because of it.

On the other hand, people like Etty do exist in the world which makes her more realistic if not necessarily relatable.

I sound horrible saying all of this but then again, you can't like every character out there, some of them are unlikable. There wasn't really much else that I want to point out, Etty seemed to be my biggest problem here. And I don't know about Etty's classmates and I don't know much about Boston but where on earth would they get a trained owl to deliver a message anyway?

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing!

As a matter of fact, Etty gets on my nerves too. I know I'm the one writing her, but she is extremely annoying. The people in Boston aren't likely to train an owl to torment a girl who they don't like, and people in Salem (the city known for witchcraft is only 15 miles or so north from Boston) wouldn't do something like that either. It was just an example of Etty being really melodramatic. I'm working on making her less judgmental, but she's supposed to be overdramatic and self-conscious to a fault. I know it sounds mean, but you don't have to like Etty. There are a ton of other characters to get into, and frankly, I can't stand her either.

Thanks for the review and the honesty.
Simone


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Review #3, by AlexFan (Patience) Foreground

3rd July 2013:
Hello! I'm here with your requested review!

The only times that I noticed you slipped into present tense was at the very beginning and it's not a big deal or very noticeable but there are some parts where it does stand out.

Like here for instance:

"I looked outside again and savored the moment of peace before my sisters woke up and the madness would inevitably began. "

I haven't seen a story like this around before so it's refreshing to see a story about a group of sisters struggling to make ends meet and such.

You've got good character development so far. You can see a little bit about each girl in the way that they say or act and the reader can get an idea of what type of person this character is.

The biggest thing for me though was when you switched from first person point of view to third person. It cut right in the middle of the story and it side-tracked the reader and most of it wasn't really necessary. You don't need to tell the reader what each and every room looks like at the very beginning of a story and you can have people's appearance mentioned but you don't need to.

As a reader, personally, I didn't need to know the layout of the house or everyone's appearance right off the bat because it doesn't really add anything to the plot. You could've mentioned every detail about the sisters living arrangements through the main characters eyes and added it in by bits instead of all at once. That part all just felt like filler to me.

I could of course just be talking utter rubbish here and feel free to completely ignore me. Personally, I found that I learned more about the character when Patience was doing the roll call than through the description of them while they were sleeping. On the upside, I got to learn something about the characters.

It's definitely an interesting start and besides what I ranted about there wasn't really much else that I could comment on.

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Review #4, by BookDinosaur (Patience) Foreground

29th June 2013:
Hello! -BookDinosaur- here with your criminally late requested review! Please, please forgive that it took so long to get to you!

So, down to reviewing. I liked the general characterisation of all the girls, they have different personalities and habits. No doubt as we move further on in the story they'll becaome easier to distinguish. The only bit of CC I would recommend for that would be to show us more and tell us less, because at the moment it feels like you're telling us everything.

I like how Patience knows about the Wizarding World, but none of the others do, it really emphasised for me how much she has to handle every day with so much responsibility on her shoulders.

I also enjoyed how she dealt with Professor McGonagall, it must have been different from what McGonagall was used to, haha. Her mother hen and bossiness made me laugh, and I like her even more after that.

My issue with this would probably be the spacing, it's a little to spaced out and makes it a bit uncomfortable to read.

So all in all this was a good first chapter which I enjoyed reading. Feel free to re-request for chapter two!

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Review #5, by pinkpanther16 (Etty) Choices Were Made

29th December 2012:
I love this story soo much! The characters and plot are amazing:) I cant wait to see what happens next! Update soon :D

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!

The day after you reviewed, I Abandoned it officially. Today, the revamped Chapter 1 is in the queue and it ought to be up soon!!!

Thanks for sticking with the story.

Simone


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Review #6, by potterfan310 (Etty) Choices Were Made

26th December 2012:
Hey,
I came across this story via the random story button. First of all I love next-gen stories and second of all I completly adore James II/OC stories.

I really like the girls and their personalities and from what I've read so far I think it's really good and has great potential which is why I want to give you some CC -

-Your characters are great and it seems likes you've got them all mapped out and what's going to happen to them/what they like etc... Even though I've done it in the past, sometimes all the information that your giving us is a bit much. Although your descriptions of the girls makes me picture them in my mind, you could always break it up by showing us the girls rather than telling us what they like doing - for instance you could say that Mercy was playing the piano or that Faith was dancing around the place. Another thing that might help is the OC workshop, it's a topic on the forums and it can really help as you get feedback off others. You don't have to post there but the form is really helpful.

- The layout, it's a hard to know who's saying/doing what as it's all bunched up in the same paragraph. For example - "I went back to yelling. "Etty!" Merce yelled back, "She's playin' guitar across the street at Donaugh's. She got up real early." "How early?"I was confused as to who 'Mumia' is? Is that another word for mother/mom/mum or is that their Mother's name??

-The third person bit at the very begining of chapter one, this could have easily been first person and might have sounded better if it was but that's just me.

Your spelling and grammar is fine but if you need a beta or want to ask me anything about the things I said above you can find me on the forums (potterfan310)

I hope this was helpful as this story really does have potential :D

-Potterfan310
Soph

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!

-The layout of the paragraphs is a bit hard to understand; I'm working on it. You'll see more of them in the coming chapters

-"Mumia" is like the Polish "mommy."

Thanks for reading this. I'm actually putting up on hiatus until I can find time to write it.


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Review #7, by SugarQuillz (Patience) Foreground

3rd August 2012:
Great story! Im a little confused on which sister will fall in love with James. Is it Patience or Etty? Great job! Updatr asap!

Author's Response: It's Etty who falls for James, and it's Etty who is the magical sister. I've typed up every chapter thru six, all except for two...I don't really like to write pre-Hogwarts Etty so I've been procrastinating. I'm working on it as we speak, actually, which is a change from the usual staring contest I usually have with my computer screen.

Thanks for reviewing
SImone


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Review #8, by TJMC (Patience) Foreground

1st August 2012:
Love this story,
The way or writing reminds me of Game Of Thrones sorta :D Cant wait for next chappie
xx

Author's Response: Thank you for being the first to review this story, and I apologize for not getting to the review sooner. I've been kind of out of it as of late. Next chapter should be done in about three days, plus queue time, so be on the lookout for that one. I turned away from The Fighter, and have started working on Chapter 2 again (of Fancie, that is).

Thanks for reviewing,
Simone


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