aww slowly James and Amelia will get closer and I hope that Amelia reconsiders the chance of not having anything with James before the ending of the school year! and I wonder how Amelia's brother will take this relationship between James and Amelia... can't wait to read the next chapter!^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: Yep they're slowly getting together :p And you'll have to see if she reconsiders, there's a high chance that she might? :p
Adam shall find out quite soon actually, as for his reaction? Well...
Thanks for the review! Report Review
EEP YAY!! :D ITS ABOUT TIME!!Author's Response: Haha yep it's finally happened! :D Report Review
wow! finally something happened between Amelia and James! I can't wait to read the next chapter because I want to see what they are going to do after kissing each other!^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: Yep something finally happened! :D
The next chapter should be coming out soon, I just have to edit it I think? I'm really going to have to start writing this story again, I'm almost out of chapters I've already written haha.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
haha Albus is such a character! I love reading every bit when Albus is acting all crazy and even more, Albus finally kissed Mariah, even if it was just to shut her up! can't wait to read more!^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: I love Albus so much! He's so much fun to write.
Yep he finally kissed Mariah, even if he did run away from her almost straight away.
Next chapter should be up soon! I've just got to edit it :D
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
aww I loved that Amelia and James are getting closer as each chapter is updated! and finally we saw a different side from Mariah towards Albus, though I wonder how they will act towards each other from now on... can't wait to read the next chapter!^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: Oh yes, James and Amelia are definitely getting closer :p
Oh yes, Mariah let her guard down for just a second and let her true feelings show. But you'll have to see if she acts on it.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
I absolutely love this. Even though James and Amelia are basically the main couple here, I really like to read more about Albus and Mariah. Perhaps it's because I like the best friends falling in love thing a lot. Also it feels really real that they can't confess their feelings, even to themselves. It's not that easy. And it's true and real. I don't know if this makes sense, what I'm saying.
I love it :)Author's Response: :D You're the best!! :D I absolutely love you!
Albus and Mariah are basically the secondary couple of this story, it's all about them two and James and Amelia, I wanted you all to see how Albus and Mariah finally got together.
I'm so glad that you think that this story seems real :D It makes perfect sense!
Thank you so much for your wonderful review :D You're the best! Report Review
this is a review of the whole story so far! I think it is amazing! i really really like it! i love the fact that Amelia has a crush on James, i think it is really cute. and i am glad him and Sarah broke up because i didn't really like her. but yeah it is absolutely amazing, please write more xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! You're amazing! I'm so glad that you're liking this story and so happy that you reviewed.
I didn't like Sarah either so I'm glad she's gone too.
I've actually written up to about chapter 20 on this story so far so I can update hopefully pretty quickly, but there's going to be quite a few chapters of this story :D Report Review
haha I laughed when I read that Albus was jealous about Mariah being on a date with her cousin and Albus didn't know who he was... lol and James and Amelia are getting closer and closer! great job on this fic so far! can't wait to read more!^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: :D Oh Albus, how I love writing him so much! He really needs to admit to his love for Mariah :D
Oh yes, the James and Amelia romance is blossoming for sure :D More is on it's way my lovely! Report Review
Cute! Love this story to bits! :))
1000/1000 xxAuthor's Response: Oh wow 1000/1000! Thank you so much! I'm so glad that you love this story, I love you! :D Report Review
haha Adam and James! lol I laugh when they do funny shows of display of their bromance... loving the story so far and I can't wait to read more!^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: Yay, I love Adam and James too, I love writing them together so much and I love their bromance, it basically writes itself :D
Next chapter shall be soon hun! :D
You're awesome! Report Review
wow! Albus was worried about Mariah's health? things are getting interesting between these two! and I feel bad for James because basically his girlfriend was only with him for who his family was! can't wait to read the next chapter!^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: Yeah he was :D He let a little bit of his emotion get out there. I feel sorry for him too :-( He deserves so much better, like Amelia :D
Thanks for reading hun! Report Review
Is Mariah an animagus?Author's Response: No she's not, are you asking because of Toby? :D He's just a regular toad. Report Review
James acting the way he does when he's joking with Adam makes me laugh! I can't wait to see Amelia and James acting on their feeling towards each other in the next few chapters! that pairing is awesome! that and seeing Albus/Mariah moments as well! they're hilarious in this story!^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: Hello hun!! How are you? I love seeing your reviews, they always make my day :D
I love writing James and Adam they've got such a funn bromance going on :D Mariah and Albus are just crazy! I love writing them as well, so I'm so glad that you're still enjoying them :D Report Review
Hi! This is your tenth Secret Santa review out of ten!
The scene with Adam and Amelia's mother was cute. I like that she has that knowing, motherly quality where she can see that Amelia and James are meant to be. Hopefully James will figure it out soon, too :)
The whole potion thing was interesting. I don't know how realistic I find the idea of people fiddling aimlessly with potions, given that they can have disastrous effects if they go wrong. However, I guess it might make sense if someone was given potions ingredients as a gift, like a toy. I wonder if the love potion will work as planned with Albus and Mariah? Knowing them, it's not likely... haha.
Well, this has been fun! I hope you've been enjoying your reviews, and I look forward to seeing your responses. Have a great rest of your holidays!
~*your slytherin secret santa*~Author's Response: James will figure it out soon enough, he's just focused on his girlfriend at the moment, although he does have a small thing for Amelia :D
I wanted Adam to be so into potions that he would have a cauldron at home, albeit a gift one like you said. The potion doens't even get to Mariah and Albus in the end, Adam wouldn't let it happen. He and everyone else knows that Mariah and Albus love each other, although they won't admit to it.
I've really enjoyed reading these reviews, thank you so much for doing these as a secret santa gift (the best gift I might add :D) and thank you so much for all of your help with the chapters, they've been such a great help and I'm going to go back and do some editing :D
Thanks again! Report Review
Hello again! I'm here to finish up your gift :) This is review nine of ten.
I really liked how you used Scorpius and Albus's distinctly different wardrobe choices to elucidate the differences between them. It was funny to imagine Scorpius being all put together and matching, and then to picture Albus trailing after him wearing a sweater with the wrong initial.
It was also neat to see the different career paths for your characters (and other next-gen kids). I like the idea of shadowing someone in your chosen career, sort of like an miniature internship. I liked how not everyone was on board--for example, how Kelly felt like it was a bit like being a teacher's pet. James's little internship sounds the coolest by far!
This chapter did seem a little too short to me, though. I felt like it ended prematurely, and it would have been nice to get more of the conversation or maybe the scene where the train pulls into the station. However, I can also see how you can only describe a train ride in so much detail.
Nice work! I'm onto my final review! :)
~*your slytherin secret santa*~Author's Response: Yay, I'm glad that you liked that. Scorpius cares a lot about how he looks and presents himself, whereas Albus just seems to grab the first thing that comes to hand.
It's not too often that I've read a next gen where they're all talking about their careers, except to be a Quidditch player, so I wanted to put this in. It also made sense for them to have work experience like we do in the UK (I'm not sure if other countries do that too?) so for them to volunteer to help out teachers or take part in things like that would make sense to me.
I think I might add a bit onto this chapter about them arriving at the station, just so it doesn't end so quickly, thank you for suggesting that :D
Thank you so much! I really love these reviews! They're helping me out so much :D Report Review
Hello again! This is review eight of ten. I'm taking a break after this one to answer some of my own reviews, but I'll be back to finish before January 1st.
I loved the beginning of this chapter, with Amelia spying on James and his girlfriend. I can definitely see some trouble brewing there, and I bet James would be happier with someone more low-maintenance, like... oh, I don't know... Amelia? Haha. It was cute how she got so distracted that she almost forgot about her rounds.
I also liked the little "date" that was set up for Albus! That love letter was great--I'm assuming you wrote it yourself, and I thought you did an awesome job. At first I thought that we were going to see the beginnings of Albus's romantic relationship with Mariah here, but the prank was a funny surprise. I can't help but wonder when things will take a more serious turn with those two.
One thing I've noticed throughout the story is that sometimes the dialogue doesn't sound perfectly realistic. I think I've mentioned this before, but it can help to observe people in real life and watch how they speak. I don't know what your nationality is, so part of this could be cultural differences. I'm American, and it just seems to me like a normal teenager would be more likely to say 'how should I know?' rather than 'how am I meant to know?' for instance. Sometimes it can also help to read things out loud to yourself and see if you could imagine yourself talking that way at around that age.
Nice work so far! I'll be back later to finish up :)
~*your slytherin secret santa*~Author's Response: I'm so happy that you want James and Amelia to get together, she is a lot better then his girlfriend, definately low maintenance like you said :D
Oh yeah I wrote that love letter myself, how could you tell? haha. That took me a good hour to write that, it was hard to think of rhyming words and cheesiness (not sure that's how you spell that word :-S) so thank you for thinking it was awesome :D
Things will take a more serious turn just after the christmas holidays for them, something's going to happen to change them and make them realise their feelings for each other.
I'm from England :D With the dialogue I just write the things how I would say them, I quite often say, "How am I meant to know?" haha, but I shall observe people and how they speak, that is a great idea so thank you for suggesting it :D
Yay! I am loving these reviews! :D Report Review
Hi! This is review seven of ten :)
I really liked getting a look at the origins of Albus's feud with Mariah in this chapter. I had definitely been wondering what could have come between them, and I think the tense atmosphere of a chess game would be the perfect catalyst for such a rivalry. It was great how you did the play-by-play of the event, too, with Amelia hanging on in suspense as Adam told the story.
The section with Neville was cute, too. I felt like the same awkward phrasing I noticed in the previous chapter appeared there; I had trouble figuring out the timeline, because it seemed like you were describing the long-distance marriage as being in the present, and then past. I did like how he was the one to find the toad, though, and how it reminded him of old Trevor.
Oh, and the toad itself was funny, too. I've never heard of a toad eating people's clothes, but it was definitely a humorous image, and I liked how you ended the chapter with James hoping that his own clothes wouldn't fall victim before he could return it.
Onto the next one :)
~*your slytherin secret santa*~Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked that, I wanted them to fall out over something that would seem pathetic to other students around them. Thank you :D
Whoops, I shall go back and take a look at that, Neville's marriage is definately in the present haha. I love writing Neville, even though he's an adult and teacher I just love him being all cute, I wanted to have Neville seeing a toad again, I wish that Trevor was still around with him :-(
I love that toad, he's evil and really hates Albus in this story, he's always out to get him one way or another. I wanted to make him a toad that other's would fear :D It makes me so happy that you like him :D
Yay! I can't wait to read more of your reviews :D They make me so happy! Report Review
Hello again! This is review six of ten :D
The awkward spacing is back in this chapter! Hopefully you can go back with the simple editor and edit this later to fix that issue.
I really liked the way you portrayed Mariah's character in this chapter. I immediately got a sense of just how full of herself she is from the short commentary on middle names at the beginning. The whole theme of her school supplies sort of amplified this idea throughout much of the chapter; she was so proud of herself for learning the Shrinking Spell and not having to lug around a ton of books, but then she didn't think about having to learn the counter-curse to return her supplies to normal. The whole thing was quite amusing! :) In fact, I would love to see you "humanize" Albus in the same way, to tell us more about who he is underneath all the pranks and awkwardness.
I would consider adding a line break to separate scenes where time passes, just for clarity's sake.
I must have somehow missed the fact that Scorpius is attracted to men, or else I forgot about it since the last time I reviewed this story. Anyway, I think it's kind of cute, and it provides some good comic relief for the Quidditch scene. I would have liked to see a little more of the actual game--I'm terrible at writing action scenes, so I can understand if you wanted to avoid it. However, I also liked how you ended the chapter abruptly with the score, though I think it would have been even more dramatic if you had added another snide comment from a Gryffindor about how they would win, just to give Scorpius's comment a challenge.
Hoping to see more Amelia/James action soon :)
~*your slytherin secret santa*~Author's Response: I really need to just post from notepad all the time, I don't have problems with notepad with spacing. It always frustrates me when I post from word because I try to delete the extra spaces, and then it adds more spaces. It's my own fault really :D I need to remember to post from notepad.
Oh yes Mariah is definately full of herself, I loved writing that scene where she thought that she was better then everyone else and it turned out she really wasn't, I'm not sure if I've written something like that with Albus? But I definately shall include something like that.
Yes, thank you, I shall add the line :D
I think I've mentioned it before? *needs to go back and look* I think I was too scared to attempt to write the Quidditch scene, I don't think I've really written one before, but I shall try to write one and edit it in :D
There is definately more James and Amelia soon :D
Thanks my secret santa :D hehe Report Review
Hi! I'm back for another round of reviews! This one is number five of ten, all in the name of Secret Santa :)
I really liked the interaction between Adam and Amelia. They seem like the typical brother and sister: they pick on each other and don't usually get along, but they're willing to help one another out when the person really needs it. Hopefully Adam can help Amelia work on her Potions mark.
One thing I noticed is that the flow doesn't seem quite right in parts of this chapter. I think it has to do with the way you described Albus and Scorpius's interaction as if it had already occurred earlier. The use of past tense seems a little awkward. I think it would sound better if you allowed the interaction to play out in real time and just gradually brought the chapter through the events of the first day (when Albus is in the hospital) and into the second day.
I also noticed some issues with comma use here; I think I've pointed this out in previous reviews. You tend to use them when they're not needed (for example, instead of a period or to break up a run-on sentence) and don't include them when they might be appropriate (e.g., in the natural breaks where you would take a breath if speaking). There's probably a tutorial on the forum that could help with this issue.
It'll be interesting to see what sort of trouble Albus and Mariah get into next. This was a nice chapter!
~*your Slytherin secret santa*~Author's Response: Hello there! yay you're back :D I love Secret Santa :D
I'm so happy that they seem like regular brothers and sisters, I was trying to think how me and my brother act around each other, and I must say that Adam and Amelia seem to be a lot nicer to each other haha. So it's not totally based on me and my brother at all, it's like the opposite.
I really need to work on my past and present tense :S Thank you for the suggestion, that is a really good idea. You are seriously helping me out big time with these reviews, I'm so happy that you're saying these things as they're helping me out as a writer. Thank you!
I really need to look at that tutorial, comma's seem to be the bane of my exsistence at the moment haha. I never know when to use too much or not enough, or to put a full stop there.
Thank you so much :D You're such a big help to me and I really appreciate it :D and I'm so glad that you liked this chapter. Report Review
Hi! This is review four of ten!
I don't think I've mentioned this, but I really like how you shift from the main plotline with Amelia to this side plot involving Albus and Mariah. I've done that with some of my stories and I think it's fun, and it spices things up for readers.
Speaking of Albus, this--
He would have gone out in his underwear but he didn't want people jealous of his body.
--made me laugh out loud. He's almost the most awkward next-gener I've ever seen, except maybe for Toujours_Padfoot's Scorpius in Le Scorp! I also like that he's the Quidditch player in the family; as I said before, it's usually James, and I like how you've changed things up here.
I do kind of feel bad for Albus, though. It seems like Mariah usually gets the better end of the deal in their little torture exchanges. I kind of hope his brother and friends will eventually back him up, but I sense that maybe that's too much to ask for. I do think it will be hard for me to accept the idea of them becoming a couple, as it seems you might be hinting at, if they're this cruel to each other. To add to this, I would suggest putting in some extra character dimension, to show the other sides of each of them and give us some idea as to what common ground they have between them.
I am wondering what will happen when the professors figure out that the detentions weren't done correctly. You might introduce that next, though, so hopefully I'll find out soon. Oh, and same thing as before with the technical stuff.
Okay, this is all I have time for right now. I'll be back to finish out the other six reviews for you :)
~*your slytherin secret santa*~Author's Response: Hiya!!! :D
Aww yay, thank you, I was worried that it would get annoying me doing that. I like it as your not always stuck reading the same two people throughout the whole story.
Haha I'm glad that made you laugh, in the unedited version of the chapter he does go outside like that, but I changed it to him borrowing some clothes.
Oh I love Le Scorp! Scorpius in that is just hilarious!
Oh Albus, he tries to give as good as he gets, I'm not sure if it's soon but there is a point where Albus pushes Mariah into a plant during Herbology, which tries to eat her. So he's got maybe one upper hand?
Oh his family won't help him, they love seeing him being tortured like that haha. I will definately add some character dimension to them, :D They do eventually calm down with their cruelty to each other, and start to realise some feelings.
I don't know if I've even written what happened? I can't remember, I really hope I did :S
Thank you so much hun!! I am loving these so much! :D Report Review
Hello! This is review three of ten :D
I don't usually like James, but I like yours a lot. I think it's cool that he wants to work with dragons because it fits his outlandish personality without falling into the trap of oh, he's James Potter so obviously he's going to be a professional Quidditch player. I don't remember him mentioning Quidditch even once so far, so that's nice to see. I also like his little joke about how Amelia should work for the burn unit so she can help heal him. Their flirting isn't over the top or obvious, but it makes me want to see more James/Amelia fluff.
Oh man, Albus is super awkward! It's cringe-worthy, but in an amusing way. I like the way he and Scorpius interact as friends. They seem almost like brothers -- well, very quarrelsome brothers. It's cute to see him rail against the lovely Mariah. I imagine he'll have to change his tune eventually. Their food fight was really funny to imagine, too.
Same stylistic remarks as before, except that I see you've improved the spacing here. Looks better :)
One more for today, so I'm off to chapter four!
~*your slytherin secret santa*~Author's Response: I'm so happy that you like James :D I want him to be a nice guy, not too in your face, just normal really.
I really didn't want him to end up as a professional Quidditch player, he does play Quidditch but he's not obsessed with it.
Oh yeah there's definate love between James and Amelia, although James wont admit it as he has a girlfriend, there's more fluff to come though :D
Oh he definately is, he just gets weirder and creepier in this, in my other story where they are all older, Albus is even weirder if that can possibly happen?
Scorpius is one of the only ones who can somewhat control Albus, although he doesn't do it much as he loves to see the outcome of Albus's stupidity.
Thank you for reviewing my lovely! I can't wait to read the rest of them! :D Report Review
Hi again! This is review two of ten :)
I really like the way you've tried to spice things up in the next generation. For example, I think the idea of taking an Alchemy class is really cool, and I can definitely see it being a challenge that mostly Ravenclaws (and Hermione, if she were there) would want to aspire to. I also like how you've given the students a new Hufflepuff head of house and had her teaching Potions, of all things. Way to break the mold!
Hah, Albus is pretty weird, but it's sort of cute. I like that he's not supposed to be dreamy in this story; again, that's a nice deviation from the norm. The thought of Mariah scaring him was funny, too.
Oh, and I like that your birthday party seemed age-appropriate--none of the usual debauchery here! That was probably the most refreshing twist of all, because I'm so sick of reading Marauders/Next Gen stories that are all about how rebellious and mature the students are. I liked that they just played games and ate ice cream, and that Neville joined in. I could see him agreeing to attend the party and having a good time there.
My previous mentions about some of the stylistic and technical errors apply to this chapter as well.
Good work -- on to the next!
~*your slytherin secret santa*~Author's Response: Hiya! *waves*
Thank you, I'm so glad that you liked that. I didn't want it to be the same teachers, because I was thinking that they might be in retirement over nineteen years later.
I really wanted to use the subject Alchemy because I've never seen anyone else use it in a story, even though it's one of the available subjects.
Oh Albus, I wanted to make him as weird as possible, he isn't dreamy in the slightest in this story but he thinks that he is. I'm glad that you like him and Mariah scaring him, she'll scare him more in the rest of the story.
Haha I'm so happy that you liked the party, it didn't make sense for them to get drunk and sneaking out, when they could have just as much fun playing party games. It made sense to invite Neville to the party, I bet he loved it :D
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :D Report Review
Hello, and happy early Christmas! This is the first of 10 reviews I am planning to leave for this story :D
So I have to admit that I'm not a big fan of next gen because it seems like it's always the same story; just the names are changed, you know? I like Amelia, though, so far. She doesn't seem to have too extreme of a personality, and I like that the chapter wasn't dominated by her just dreaming about James and complaining about his girlfriend. The chapter is definitely action-packed, although I personally feel like the zanyness went on a little too long for my taste. However, I can see how you would have wanted to use it to spice up the train ride, just to keep this chapter from dragging.
Most of the critiques I have are minor stylistic quibbles. The large spacing that you get when you copy and paste directly from an MS Word document can be fixed by using the Simple Editor. I think fixing it would make this look cleaner. I also noticed that you seem to have some long sentences, like this one:
James let out a fake laugh before shaking his head at Kelly who smiled at him, Adam laughed before stretching his legs out and resting his feet on Amelia's lap, she placed her arms on top of them.
^I think that would sound better if you broke it up into two or three separate sentences. You seem to use commas a lot when a period would be better. I also noticed some awkward phrasing in several places, some of which looked like typos; for example, "we'll be having jobs" makes more sense as "we'll have jobs," and "other girls done" needs a "had" between "girls" and "done." In other places, I noticed fragments and sentences that could use more commas. This would probably benefit from being beta read, or you might catch things if you proofread a couple more times and edit it yourself.
One thing that I've found helps me a lot with writing is just to take time to watch people in everyday life. You can study their expressions, their mannerisms, and conversation styles to help make your characters feel more realistic. For example, I noticed that Mariah went sort of immediately from frowning to smiling. That's kind of weird for me to imagine a real person doing. I think you could add in something else, like a moment of hesitation or suspicion, to make that feel more complete and easier to envision.
This is a nice start -- I'm heading to chapter two :)
~*your slytherin secret santa*~Author's Response: Hello there!! I'm finally responding to these :D Sorry it's taken me so long :S
Argh I hate the spacing when I paste from word, I've now learnt to paste from wordpad so I'm planning on going back and edit it using word pad.
I'm always worried I've used too many comma's so I'm glad that you pointed it out, Eeek thanks, I shall edit this chapter :D
Yes, I really like that idea :D
Thank you so much for reviewing this for me, I am so glad that you're pointing out things that I could edit, it's really helping me so I really appreciate it :D
I can't wait to read the others
Adam is definitely one crazy person to ask for potion ingredients for Christmas! lol and Amelia is having some trouble disguising her feelings towards James... I wonder if something will happen in the next chapter between them.., update soon please! btw will you be updating the fic where Amelia and James are having twins? though I can't wait to read more of your fantastic fics!^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: He really is isn't he? :D
I shall be updating that one soon, not sure when, I've just got to edit a bit of it and then I shall update it.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing hun! :D Report Review
haha I laughed at the part of James trying to have Adam making a love potion for Albus and Mariah! and everyone is saying that James and Amelia would look good together! I wonder what will happen in the next chapter! keep writing more awesome chapters and I can't wait to see James and Amelia getting closer and closer!^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: I'm glad you liked that part, Yep everyone wants them to get together.
The next chapter shall be out soon my love, thank you so much for your reviews! you make my day! :-D Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection