55 Reviews Found

Review #1, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs Teddy (Potter (Weasley)) Lupin

25th March 2014:
Alrighty! We are here at the end!

I'll start by summarizing my thoughts about style and continuity (AKA what you actually requested). I think aside from a change in Chapters 5 and 6 that I actually ended up preferring, your style was pretty consistent. You seemed mostly aimed at using dialogue as the primary driver and then using either description or internal thoughts to supplement that. There were chapters where that worked better than others, but you were consistent overall.

In terms of continuity, I think you have no concerns. The plot flowed naturally and there didn't seem to be anything that jumped out as out of place to me. I would reiterate that if you are planning on edits, I think you might benefit from replacing the Hugo/Lily/Eliana scenes later on in the story with some other content that paints a better image or uses more powerful language/ideas, but that's up to you.

In terms of this chapter, you definitely pulled a plot twist on us there at the end. If you were aiming at a fluff ending I think it's fine, though I might make the actual proposal a little more detailed and refined. Really drill in on that moment and make it epic with your word choice, description, everything because it's crucial.

I hope my reviews have helped! Feel free to PM if you have any questions!

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Review #2, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs Hugo Weasley

25th March 2014:
This chapter seemed to go a little bit more back to the style of the earlier chapters. I think having seen this return, I definitely prefer what you did with Chapters 5 and 6 and I'd work to stay with that from here on out.

Again, I'd say that I didn't think Lily and Eliana were necessary and I would add that I'm not sure I understand the necessity of introducing this Connor character last chapter and referencing him this chapter since we are not going to learn much about him.

One of the things I thought was a shortcoming was probably the portion of the chapter involving Hagrid. I thought you did a pretty good job with Hagrid before (he's a character I just shy away from because I don't feel I could do his habits or the speech patterns justice), but this time with more extended dialogue, the speech patterns just didn't work as well for me.

What I did like is that there was some more interaction during the challenge between Killian and his opponent. I think that's something that could be included in some of the earlier sections, particularly with characters who would be likelier to taunt their target. I thought the very end came back to being a little bromantic like I mentioned before, but that's just my opinion.

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Review #3, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs James (Weasley) Potter

25th March 2014:
Ahh! So you stole chess from Hugo. I'm interested to know why you didn't want to have him lose, but perhaps this chapter with James deliberately failing speaks either to the family just coming around to him or Molly getting to people behind the scenes. It raises questions, which is almost always a good thing.

As for the style, this kept more in line with last chapter, which I think is a bit more effective on the whole. Your descriptions have improved versus before and you are not forcing characters into scenes to make dialogue happen.

The one thing I will say, is that now that we know plenty of Hugo's character, I'm not sure why we are still having these interactions with Lily and Eliana. By this point they seem a bit unnecessary and just a comfortable way to ease into the chapter. I think the story could be made more effective by ditching some of these once Hugo has been developed in favor of a more dynamic or interesting chapter intro. It would draw readers in a little more to each chapter and could be used to really set a scene or tone nicely straight from the top.

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Review #4, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs Louis Weasley

25th March 2014:
Howdy!

I did notice a little difference in this chapter compared to the others - that being the balance of dialogue versus other mechanisms was much more in favor of internal thoughts and description than in chapters past. I think part of that was down to the nature of this challenge being more "visual" and the need to explain the game, but it was just something I picked up on.

As far as content, I liked that we finally got some one-on-one interaction (even a small amount) between Molly and Killian. Even if it was Hugo eavesdropping, I thought it was a nice touch to get a little of Molly and a little more of their relationship into the story.

I wasn't particularly a fan of the challenge involving a conversion of muggle technology, but at least you explained it unlike many fics, so that was a good thing.

You also continued to develop the whole aspect of Killian noticing people's flaws and capitalizing on them to win, which was a good thing too - I'm interested to see how this comes into play in the chess match (if that is indeed what ends up happening).

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Review #5, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs Fred Weasley

24th March 2014:
Hello again!

What you really did a great job of here is showing more of Killian's character. We have seen flashes before, but I liked how you tied things together for us with Hugo's analysis of the outcome of the duel so that we really get a definitive trait of Killian's at this point.

One thing I have started to note that seems a bit off to me is Hugo's reactions to Killian. Perhaps it's a response to the difficulty of developing Molly and Killian's relationship or getting across the idea of what she sees in him, but Hugo seems to have a bit of a bro-crush developing on Killian as written and as a male reader it just seems a bit odd to me the extent to which he projects Molly's love onto her boyfriend and thinks of how great a guy Killian might be for her. Just a thought.

The bigger thing for me is the Reductor Curse. You have Fred use the incantation "Reducto" (which should probably be italicized incidentally) to shrink Killian's shoe. In reality this is the exact incantation for the Reductor Curse, which as I'm sure you know, blasts things into pieces. So be careful!

Stylistically though, I think you are still staying consistent. You're still taking the same basic approach of balancing dialogue against other writing devices like description or internal thought and I think that works for you.

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Review #6, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs Lucy Weasley

24th March 2014:
Alright! So the hot dog competition was an inventive battle especially given who the "challenger" was and I think you made the most of it by injecting the Quidditch commentator into the mix.

I did feel that everybody crowding around before that point was slightly unrealistic, as was the almost palpable tension in the air when Lucy arrived. Presumably people would have heard about the confrontation between Albus and Killian, but I'm puzzled why they would expect one between Lucy and Killian, so I guess that's why it felt a bit off for me.

Unfortunately we also didn't get a whole lot about Lucy's character (despite the fact that Hugo seems to have an affinity for her) aside from her ability to eat large amounts of food.

Stylistically, this chapter seems consistent with the others as well. I would be careful going forward with editing and proofreading though. We'll see how that develops over time (we all have the occasional extra letter or un-deleted word, but I'll just note I've noticed it multiple times in each chapter so far, so just be careful. You never want readers to get distracted by that while reading (or worse, if they're harsh enough to abandon it for this amount).

See you in Chapter 4!

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Review #7, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs Albus (Weasley) Potter

24th March 2014:
Hello again!

I was intrigued to see how you would develop Albus while sticking with Hugo's POV here and I thought you did a pretty good job. I definitely enjoyed the section where Albus "calls out" Killian for the beater competition. It was amusingly theatrical.

You also did a good job in this chapter maintaining balance in use of writing tools, this time more using dialogue and description rather than dialogue and internal thoughts, but still effective.

I did think the ending was rather abrupt and very suddenly reintroduced Hugo's inner thoughts into the chapter. It probably could have been avoided merely by describing how things ended without any dialogue or inner thoughts and seemed to flow better, but that's just my opinion.

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Review #8, by TidalDragon Chapter 1 : The Opponent

24th March 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by in response to your review request. Per that request, I'm mostly going to focus on style and continuity, but I'll point out other positives as well!

I definitely enjoyed the bit with Romulus the owl. I thought it was amusing the way you characterized each hoot as having a different meaning and used that to set up some of Hugo's character and the transition to the next phase of the chapter.

I also found the hour-by-hour breakdowns of Hugo's day leading up to the meeting useful. They took us a bit inside Hugo's head. By the time the meeting rolled around he clearly came across as a studious, slightly-tense/over-anxious character.

I thought you did a good job of blending internal thoughts and dialogue in this chapter for the most part. One intriguing thing I did notice in terms of style however was that a lot of your dialogue tags use verbs in the present tense. Most of the time, even in first person, my experience is that the language is still past tense here because the person whose POV you're writing from is commenting on the behavior after they have noticed it or after it has occurred, making their retrospective thought about it or description of it a past tense one. Just something to think about.

The only part of the chapter I was not particularly a fan of was the meeting. This is the point where (understandably) dialogue comes out of balance with the Hugo's thoughts/observations. In my mind, when you get a large number of characters together, there are a couple of main approaches to take. First, if the dialogue is going to be really substantive, you may just go heavy dialogue and let more characters get involved (especially if you are not really needing to develop those characters). The other approach is to just have a few crucial speakers and keep the balance between dialogue and observation. I think I would have preferred the second approach here, because given the structure I can see in your chapters, I think we'll get enough development of the other characters in their featured chapter. There are other mechanisms to lay out all the persons who are present (see the scene where the D.A. is organized as a fine example).

All in all though, you accomplished your main goal of explaining what the story was about with good balance, decent mechanics and only a few typos I noticed.

See you next chapter!

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Review #9, by PolyJuice_ Chapter 1 : The Opponent

13th March 2014:
BLACKOUT BATTLE 16/20 (ALMOST THERE!)

Awesome start to this story! Poor Hugo having to keep that secret from Lily and spend all that time worrying and hiding from her just to have her show up to the meeting anyway. Silly guys, telling Hugo it was a boys-only meeting! Clearly there's some communication issues!

Although, I feel really sorry for the poor boyfriend. He's gonna be in some serious trouble when the guys (and Lily) get a hold of him.

I can't wait to see what you have in store for Killian Earhart, and I'm excited to see where you take this story, it's got lots of potential to be a fun and hilarious ride!

Anyway, all in all I liked everything about this story, your characters were fab and well rounded. Great job!

Liz

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Review #10, by Lululuna Killian Earhart Vs Teddy (Potter (Weasley)) Lupin

13th March 2014:
Hello again! Ahh, it's the last chapter! :( That's so sad!

I love when the kids called out Teddy on waking them up so early in the morning when he should have just said so in the letter. Teddy clearly has a lot of control over their owls! :P He's so funny in how intense and confidently non-chalant he is.

And smellier. Some kids really need to take a bath... Again with the random thoughts, Hugo. :P He's so judgemental sometimes, but he makes me laugh.

Suddently I'm not too sure that there will be a wedding to go to this summer... Hahaha, this is so true! The Weasley girls here are very fearsome, and though Teddy's speech was funny to me I'm sure the girls would not see it that way. I'm glad Teddy survived, of course, but this was a fantastic moment.

Twenty-one history questions, hahaha. Not quite, Ted. I also really enjoyed Hugo's musings on athletic ability being judged on Quidditch, since though I'm sure it is very physical so are other sports, and I've never really seen other sports mentioned in a fanfiction before!

The challenge was so suspenseful, but I loved the twist at the end! I honestly had no idea that Killian was organizing the whole thing - such sneakiness! Such confidence in his abilities to beat all the cousins! And aw, I'm glad it worked and Molly likes him, even though they are quite young. I'm sure they have lots of time to be engaged and for Killian to be "introduced" to the rest of the fearsome family! :P

The last line about Percy was great, and was a perfect end to an awesome story. I really loved reading this, it just made me smile throughout and Hugo was a lovely narrator. This is such a wonderful, happy story and I'm sure I'll be back to re-read if I need cheering up! :D ♥

Blackout Round 3 - 5/20

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Review #11, by Lululuna Killian Earhart Vs Hugo Weasley

13th March 2014:
Hello! :)

Ahhh, the Skrewts!!! :D I was so angry when they were left out of the HP films and now you've brought them back, and I'm so happy. When Hugo was being all mysterious about what animal he and Killian would be facing I thought either the Skrewts or perhaps something they would have to fight off, but this was just perfect. Having to catch the Skrewts... hahaha. In a way this actually is the most dangerous and awesome challenge, and I'm proud of Hugo for thinking of it!

I like Hugo's reasoning for why James did what he did. It makes sense, and especially if he knew that chess was too sacred for Hugo to let Killian win. Clever, James! But still, I don't blame Hugo for holding a bit of a grudge for now. James did hurt his feelings and cause him stress even if it were for the greater good.

The Diricawls were adorable, I have no idea how you came up with them! There are all these lovely little details in this story and this intrinsic fun innocence which makes me love the story all the more. When they kept saying "yes, yes" and Hugo had to ask them to go back to their cage I was smiling because they seemed so polite and helpful. And they got a treat at the end of it! Yay! :P

I'm sorry, I have a bit of a soft spot for animals as you can tell. :P

The Skrewt-catching competition was great, and I like how Killian maneuvered it to win. A well deserved win, this time around!

And aw, Killian asked Hugo to play chess sometime! I like the idea of Killian getting along so well with the cousins and being a sort of big brother/cousin/friend figure to Hugo. And the last line made me laugh as well - Hugo has the most random thoughts.

Loved this, I'm sad that it will be all over next chapter! :(

Blackout Round 3 - 4/20

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Review #12, by Lululuna Killian Earhart Vs James (Weasley) Potter

13th March 2014:
Hello again! :)

Before I forget, I really like all the chapter images for this story. They suit the mood perfectly and the face claim for Killian is so funny! :)

Ahh, poor Hugo! :( I'm very curious to hear James' explanation and why he would have let Killian win, hmm. Perhaps Hugo isn't the only one rooting for Killian and Molly (Kolly? Millian? Earweasel?).

Ah well, it's worth it; at least it keeps the mystery alive for these two. Haha, when I read this I imagined Eeyore saying it in his melancholy voice, it was great. I like how Hugo is working so hard to keep it a surprise, and then he's the one who gets surprised! The banter between the friends and who is his best/smartest friend was so fun as well.

Teachers, do as you wish. I was glad to see the mention of the teachers and what they thought of this whole thing. It's too bad Dumbledore wasn't still alive, I feel like he would have enjoyed the whole challenge!

I was so shocked when James conjured the chess board! I swear my mouth dropped open a little, did not see that coming! I trust that there's some method to his madness, but Hugo is definitely justified in being peeved. Also, it's quite cool and seems very James-ish that he would turn the great hall into a chessboard rather than just play with an ordinary set. I liked too how Hugo and Killian were the only ones to realize that James let him win, and it shows how much Hugo cares about chess!

I'm glad Hugo called him out at the end, and the idea that he might have been the one to end the competition. It's great to see him standing up for himself and being so confident. I can't wait to see what he'll do instead! :D

Blackout Round 3 - 3/20

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Review #13, by Lululuna Killian Earhart Vs Louis Weasley

13th March 2014:
Hello again! :)

A dance off! I love it. The enchanted suits of armour were great as well and I liked how Hugo deduced it was Louis as he's more poetic. I guess he got the artsy skills in the family.

The costumes the boys wore and how snazzy they were really made me laugh. I think this would be one of the funniest challenges to watch, if only for the comments of the girls who fancied Louis. I love how poor little Hugo was so innocent and disgusted as well by the girl's words - you do a really good job of changing up gender stereotypes in this story which I love.

It was great how Hugo had a moment of confidence when he overheard Molly and Killian talking, but then went right back to being worried. The poor kid. Hmm, I wonder what his plan is involving Hagrid as well!

You wrote the dance-off really well, I was slightly concerned for Kilian for a while! However, his sneakiness with the song choice and the fact that he dances with his sister (aw!) made me laugh. He's so clever, and I'm glad someone else called him out on being Slytherin-ish so I didn't have to. :P The song names were great as well.

Another hilarious chapter! :D

Blackout Round 3 - 2/20

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Review #14, by Lululuna Killian Earhart Vs Fred Weasley

13th March 2014:
Hello! :)

Yay, I love reading this story and especially Hugo's inner monologue. Him and his friends are so funny together as well, I like how they know just how to maneuver secrets out of him, while his commitment to secrecy and self-preservation in not being killed by Teddy is funny as well. He's such an endearing character, and I love how he's good at chess! That's perfect for Ron's son, and I like how he has the epiphany of realizing it, and then is relieved for like 10 seconds, and then starts to worry about what will happen if he loses. Typical Hugo. :P

The duel was great! I thought you wrote it really well and the spells were quite creative. I'd love to have witnessed this duel as well, it seemed so exciting. And of course I was happy that Killian won! Hugo is quite cute in how he's starting to root for Killian since he's such a great boyfriend for Molly. Hmm, I wonder what will happen with their duel, and how hard Hugo will be trying to win...

There were many other details in here that I loved. The idea of Killian having to prove himself as a duelist because the whole family is brave made me laugh. And I liked how he and Molly entered like a king and queen, and how the rest of the school thinks the Weasleys are just crazy. :P

I loved this chapter! It was so funny and witty, as usual. Can't wait to see what happens next!

Blackout Round 3 - Review 1/20

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Review #15, by Lululuna Killian Earhart Vs Lucy Weasley

9th March 2014:
Hello! :)

Right away: hahaha. Hugo actually kills me, I wish he was real so we could hang out and I'd laugh at his inner monologue all the time (in a nice way, of course!). His relationship with Romulus is quite entertaining. I also love how he just thinks Rose is insane and keeps making these little comments about her.

This actually makes so much sense, that Killian has to prove himself as a good eater. Molly the First would not stand for anything else! Haha, I loved the competition so much, and how Lucy is a girl who can eat despite her tiny size. I loved the moment when all the cousins said "yes she did" at the same time as well, it was such a Weasley solidarity moment though I feel a little bad for poor Molly. I really hope she and Killian like each other a lot and that the Weasleys don't actually scare him away. :P

Go Killian! Haha, Molly dd indeed play that very well. She almost seems like a Slytherin with all her sneakiness. :P Poor Molly, she should really realize by this point that all the Weasleys have to challenge him! I'm quite excited to see what Hugo comes up with as well, he's so small and timid and fretful about it, but I'm sure it will be epic.

Great chapter, I can't wait to see what happens next! :)

Author's Response: Hello again, I'm so happy you came back and that you like Hugo! He's just so much fun to write; I'd definitly be his friend as well!

Rose is his big sister, which automatically makes her weird. But he's a good boy and she's more of a wild child, so, a different speacie to him. And she chose Romulus.

The eating contest was one of the first ones I decided upon because it was just so fitting. Like you said, Molly the first wouldn't accept a picky eater at her table, she'd be offended.

I think you'll find that Killian really loves Molly; the first proof being that he came back after that first challenge and didn't just dump her!!

You'll have to wait for Hugo's turn, obviously, I had to make him one of the last ones but, fear not! The others have good ideas as well (at least I think so!) and you should be entertained, just as Killian is!

Thanks for such a great review and for coming


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Review #16, by Lululuna Killian Earhart Vs Albus (Weasley) Potter

6th March 2014:
Hello! :) I was going to read the next chapter tonight anyway, but the battle gave me the perfect excuse! This story is so cute and funny, I love it! I've had "mollify the Captain" ringing in my head for the last few days and making me giggle. :P

I have to ask, how did you come up with the name Killian Earhart?!! It's so brilliant, and I love how it really suits Killian's character. He's just so calm and resigned and cool, in comparison to how crazy the Weasleys are.

Poor Hugo, I suspect he's going to be stressing about his confrontation for a long time! He's such a lovely character with his nervousness and his observations on his family and friends. He feels really real to me, I would totally be his buddy if he was real! :P Hugo's little comments, like "Kudos Al," are just so endearing.

I like the story of how Al and James became Beaters! It's so funny and fits really well with their clashing personalities in the Epilogue. That being said, I'm glad Killian won as I'm totally rooting for him and Molly! I officially ship them! It made me laugh when they realized that Killian was a beater as well - those silly schemers haven't been doing their homework!

Molly's fury is amazing, and I'm excited to see her reactions when each of the other challengers take the plate. Hugo's inner monologue, however, steals the spotlight throughout the whole story. I really giggled at the last two lines as well.

I feel like this is going to turn into my story that I come and read whenever I'm feeling a little down and need to read something fun and witty. I love it, and will hopefully be back for the next chapter soon! :)

Gryffindor vs. Slytherin Blackout Battle, Round 2 - Review 3 of 15

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Review #17, by Lululuna Chapter 1 : The Opponent

1st March 2014:
Hello! :)

I love this so much! Your writing is flawless and so witty and silly and I was giggling all the way through. This is such an original idea for a story and I love how each chapter talks about a different opponent for poor Killian.

The way Teddy calls everyone together for a meeting and how it's perfectly natural for each of them to want to test their cousin's boyfriend is so wonderfully Weasley-ish. I can tell I'm going to like this story a lot.

I decide to do the manly thing and spend the day in hiding in the Ravenclaw common room. Haha, I loved this and Hugo's idea of "manliness." The paragraph following was great as well as it showed exactly why Hugo fits in Ravenclaw so well. I also like the fact that he's an early riser and quite the over-achiever.

In that moment, I decide to change my plan; Lucy is the one I'll save. Haha, I love how Hugo is so conflicted about who to save! And, for that matter, whether he needs to save anybody in the first place. His suspicion is really making me laugh and I love how you've written him - he's quite the character and I'd love to read more about this quirky, witty yet rather strange Hugo.

"Like I care about the smell of dungbombs," Fred snorts, "it's a permanent fixture at my house." Ahaha, I have to say I would not expect anything else from George's home! I love the idea that this would be quite off-putting for the ladies, however. I really like how you've given each of the male Weasleys a distinct personality - Fred is laid-back, Al is dreamy, Hugo is paranoid and Teddy thinks he's awesome. And Lucy, the smile-whisperer, is wonderful too.

I loved the phrase about Killian being able to "mollify the Captain" and it's making me excited to meet Molly as well and see how she's been won over!

There were so many funny lines and characters here that I wish I could quote all of them back and express my appreciation. You did such a lovely job with this so far and I can't wait to come back for the next chapter! :D

Gryffindor vs. Slytherin Blackout Battle - Review 6 of 10

Author's Response: Wow thank you so much for this review, you just made me so very happy! I can't stop smiling so much that I'm pleased you liked this story!

The Weasley boys are a bit too full of themselves and really think they can take over the world. Well except for Hugo, he doesn't think much of himself and is kind of paranoid!
I find it absolutly hilarious how you described the boys, especially Teddy, because you are spot on. Teddy really thinks he's awesome and that everybody likes him (and they do) and he has very little shame as well...

I'm just so happy about this review and the fact that you really seemed to enjoy it. I hope you'll come back for the challenges and let me know what you think and what your favorite will be!

Thanks again!


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Review #18, by maraudertimes Killian Earhart Vs Albus (Weasley) Potter

8th February 2014:
Hello! Gryffie tag!

Ooh a confrontation! Yay! Well, you've certainly written it extremely well. I really liked 1) how Albus challenged Killian to a duel, 2) how Molly was outraged, 3) how Killian decided to give Albus his fun, and 4) how Molly gets angry when they let it be known that it is not the only confrontation, and Hugo freaks out and wants to go away.

I guess that poor boy definitely isn't Gryffindor material, like he said. Although I do think he will pull out the big guns when it comes to battling Killian, so I'm excited to see how he does!

One thing I couldn't get over was how Killian was a beater for four years and none of the Weasleys bothered to realize this. Typical Weasley male behaviour. Although, I guess Teddy and Lucy aren't technically Weasley males, but they seem to share the same traits when it comes to planning things.

This was a really good first confrontation and I liked how Killian was a gentleman at the end, telling Albus that they were going to the Hospital Wing together. I think he's a good candidate for Molly's heart, personally.

Anyways, this was really good and I'm excited for the other duels. Guess I'll have to read on as soon as I can!
Lo:)

Author's Response: Hi again!

I'm so glad you kept on reading this story and that you continue to enjoy it! The confrontations are a blast to write and yes, they make the Weasley traits come out in a not so great light at times !

Hugo, poor Hugo definitly isn't a Gryffie but he is still a Weasley; he's full of resources and idea he just doesn't always have the boldness to act out his plans.

Killian is definitly a good sport as you'll see if you keep on reading. He's a perfect match for Molly and a true Hufflepuff.

Thanks again for the review, I'm really happy you enjoyed this chapter!


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Review #19, by maraudertimes Chapter 1 : The Opponent

1st February 2014:
Hiya! Gryffie tag!

This was really cool! I love HP (I guess that's why I'm here :P), I love Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, and as a result: I love this!

I absolutely love the whole Weasley dynamic, especially Hugo's little inner struggle about which cousin to save if Teddy was really about to attempt mass murder, and I definitely approve of Lucy as his choice. I also loved how she was very outspoken when faced with her cousins' sexist remarks, and I think out of all of them, she'd prove to be the toughest Killian would have to face! It was cool that instead of Ramona/Molly's love interests, you used her cousins, and that Lucy, as her sister, was also invited (it was a really cool mirror and I loved how you played with that!).

I was also really happy to see Lucy becoming part of the conversation when talking about who Killian is, especially when she grouped her cousins' smiles and explained them, and that she wasn't fazed by Teddy! I really like your Lucy! :)

I'm really excited to see where this goes, so don't be surprised if I'm back soon! This was a really good idea, it was wonderfully written, and thus, amazingly well executed!
Lo:)

Author's Response: Hello fellow Scott Pilgrim fan! I'm so happy to see I'm not the only one in my weird fandom! Therefore, your critics will mean a lot more to me considering you know where this is coming from.

Hugo is a strange one; definitly not Gryffindor material but with the Weasley strike... and a lot of anxieties!

I'm just so pleased that you like my choice for the opponents and especially Lucy who's become another favorite of mine as I wrote this story. I hope you'll like what I've come up with so far! There is only one chapter left to write... after a year long hiatus... but it's half written so if you keep on reading, do not lose faith, it will come to an end at some point!!

Thanks for the review, I really appreciated it and it really gave me a new motivation to keep on working on the last chapter!


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Review #20, by Jchrissy Chapter 1 : The Opponent

31st January 2013:
Hi m'dear! I am here for the review swap, and I know it was up in the air whether your new lil baby would give you any time to review, so don't worry at all about trying to and we'll just see you the next month you're able :)

Anyway! This was an incredibly humorous first chapter, which I can just imagine sets the whole scene for the novel. I love the idea of the group (and Lucy, haha) all banning together to plot exactly how they were going to go about finding out if this guy is good enough to be part of the legendary Potter Weasley clan.

All your characters had little hints of their own personality, though you obviously couldn't spent too much time on that considering this was from Hugo's perspective. You're also throwing Molly and Lucy both way out of stereotypical head canons, and I absolutely love that. I really love Molly as The Captain.

This was an adorable, fun first chapter. You had a few typos, so whenever you get the time I think you could give it a read through to iron those out. But it was still very enjoyable :)!

Good luck with your new lil sleep destroyer ;)!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this review, I know I haven't been around for a (very long) while and just remembered that I still owe you a review and will get to it right after I'm done with this answer!

I'm so pleased that you enjoyed this opening chapter. It's a very new style for me and I'm really happy you enjoyed it. I do imagine the Weasley cousins pretty clearly in my mind and Molly and Lucy are fun to play with. Molly especially :)
The cousins would definitly get into their girls' lives in order to make sure they get with a good lad. Just look at how the Weasley brothers acted toward Ginny. This is the kind of thing they would teach their children, I have no doubt about it!

Thanks again and your review in on it's way!


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Review #21, by MargaretLane Killian Earhart Vs Fred Weasley

5th January 2013:
Oh gosh, if Fred is anything like his father, this could be a tough one. *goes to see what Fred's challenge is*

The constant references to Hugo's owl are beginning to amuse me.

And that comment that Hugo has to learn to lie in the next minute is a nice touch. It gives us an insight into how difficult he finds it to lie.

When Lily is saying she wants to be kept in the loop, it'd sound better if she said it "leads me to believe that only THEY are involved" instead of "only THEM".

Hugo has a thing about Teddy killing people. It's like a recurring gag and like the owl, it's quite amusing.

The comment about needing a representative of Uncle Percy's family should have a full stop at the end, before "Lily shrugs it off".

And you misspelled "strength" as "strenght".

It's pretty unfair to expect Killian to beat them at something they're the best in the school in in order to date Molly. If they are looking for somebody who's best in the school at everything, then nobody is really likely to pass their tests and what are they going to do? Sabotage every relationship she's in just because her boyfriends are good at different things than her cousins are?

And it's rather amusing that Hugo's friends can think of something for him to challenge Killian at when he can't. It makes sense though. It's often easier to see what other people are good at than what we are ourselves, because it's considered arrogant to focus on what you are good at.

*laughs at everybody saying it's typical of them* I'd say both good pranksters and simply crazy. Expecting somebody's boyfriend to be able to beat you at whatever your best at isn't being protective of them; it's not like eating a lot or playing chess well makes you a good boyfriend. It's just crazy.

You've written "quarter till seven" when it would be more usual to say "quarter TO seven". I've never heard "till" used in that context.

And you've described Molly and Killian as being like "a king and queed" instead of "a king and queen".

Good question, Killian. What will it prove? I think at this stage, even if he loses a challenge, he's proved himself worthy of their approval. Most people wouldn't have been such good sports and honestly, if he didn't care about her, he'd just have said "this is ridiculous, Molly. Either you sort things out with your cousins or this is over."

I like the rules you've established for the duel. They make sense.

And Umbridge kept the class silent for entire class periods, but luckily for Hugo, he hasn't experienced her.

You've said Hugo can feel the "excitation" when it should be "excitement".

I like the way you've given Killian a reason why he won both the duel and the Quidditch battle - being good at capitalising on his opponents' weak spots. He could come across as a bit of a Gary Sue if he just outplayed them every time, but I think you've avoided that pitfall by drawing attention to the fact that Fred was better than him in a lot of ways; he's just good at noticing and taking advantage of weak spots.

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Review #22, by MargaretLane Killian Earhart Vs Lucy Weasley

5th January 2013:
The question about who would eat something with "kidney" in it's name amused me.

A hot dog eating contest? *dies laughing* Yeah, right, like eating less than Lucy really proves he's a poor boyfriend. They do come up with the most insane things.

It's would probably be better to put a full stop after Killian says "Sure I do" instead of a comma, since he doesn't exactly smile what he is saying.

Love the detail about the first years climbing up on the tables.

I also like the insight we get into the personality of the commentator.

Honestly, though, it'd be pretty nasty and spiteful to try and ruin your cousin's relationship just because her boyfriend doesn't eat enough.

When you've written "Louis never mumbles", you've run "Louisnever" all in together.

And wow, I hope that wasn't true. That would be dreadful - eating poorly transfigured slugs.

Molly is clever though, to get Killian to win the challenge that way. That was an amusing solution. I was expecting him to just best them in each of the challenges, but I think this is better, because it means they aren't all just ending the same way.

That comment about measuring how much they've each eaten if they stop at the same one amused me for some reason. Just how seriously they are taking this, I guess.

When Killian is finishing his sixth hot dog, you've said that "the crow now encourages him loudly", rather than "the crowd".

And in the following paragraph, you've written "Killian Earhart has begun IS seventh hot dog" instead of "his".

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Review #23, by MargaretLane Killian Earhart Vs Albus (Weasley) Potter

5th January 2013:
Just occurred to me that this story is from Hugo's point of view as well.

Oh, wow, the wizarding world is in the dark ages, here isn't it? Even when I was at school, it was only the older teachers (the ones approaching retirement age, so they'd have qualified in about the 1940s) who thought learning to keep house was important for girls. The middle aged and younger ones were all like "ye can be whatever ye want nowadays. It's not like when I was young and we were expected to be nurses and teachers."

I bet Hermione is having a fit over those lessons. I'd imagine she's starting a campaign to have those same spells taught to boys.

That part about sitting in the long grass and how they weren't exactly doing homework amused me.

I'm with Eliana here. A guy who rolls his eyes and tells them it's none of their business who Molly dates and that he's not going to get involved in their silly games isn't necessarily unworthy of her. And I'm not sure what playing Quidditch is supposed to prove.

Plus I wonder what they intend to do if Killian fails their tests. Are they going to go to Molly and be like "you can't go out with him because he failed our tests." I'd say she'd laugh in their faces. I mean, seriously, "don't go out with him because he can't beat a Beater with Bludgers". *cracks up* I really don't think they've thought this through.

I like the way Hugo sees himself as the weakest link and is kind of unsure of what he's doing. I'm guessing something is going to happen when he challenges Killian

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Review #24, by MargaretLane Chapter 1 : The Opponent

3rd January 2013:
Opening sentence sets the scene here well.

I also like the way you tell us the character is in Ravenclaw without labouring the point.

One mistake I've noticed: you've written "next time I get and owl" rather than "next time I get an owl".

The part about the owl being mischievous amused me.

*laughs at Binns being predictable* That's very much in-character for him. He's so boring, I'd imagine the homework he sets would be boring too. Wonder if he'd notice if the students didn't do it. I rather doubt it.

Wonder what Lucy has been through. Having Percy as a father, perhaps!

And Hugo's being a bit dramatic, assuming Teddy plans to murder them.

I wonder how he got permission to enter the school though. If a teacher knew he was coming back, they'd probably think it a bit weird. Especially if he then just disappeared.

We're learning quite a lot about the various cousins from Hugo's ponderings on whether or not to save them. That's a pretty clever way of introducing them to us.

*laughs* The Weasleys look after each other, all right, but it's also pretty dismissive to assume that they know what's best for Molly better than she does. If I was Molly and I found out about this, I'd be pretty annoyed. And if I were their parents, I'd be having a talk with them about sexism and how it's respectful to wait and see if somebody wants or needs your protection rather than just assuming you know best.

*laughs at the comment that Louis's smile indicates that he's untrustworthy* I'm interested in his character here. He is one of the characters that fandom doesn't seem to have pinned a personality on. I mean, James is often portrayed as being like his grandfather, Albus as insecure, Fred as a prankster, Lily as rather like Ginny, Lucy and Molly as either taking after their father or else as feeling like failures because they don't live up to his expectations. But Louis doesn't seem to have a stereotype.

Yeah, I wouldn't like to be Killian either. I sort of hope Molly finds them out and makes them suffer for the way they are treating him.

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Review #25, by magnolia_magic Killian Earhart Vs Lucy Weasley

19th December 2012:
Hi! Maggie here from review swap!

So I picked this story hoping that it would make me laugh, and so far it's definitely accomplishing that. I love that you picked Hugo as the narrator, because his voice is great fun to read, and I like experiencing this from his point of view. I can't wait to see what happens when Hugo has to confront Killian :)

As for Killian, he seems like a great guy and a good sport, so I think he'd be the perfect choice to join the Weasley ranks. But of course the boys have to make sure of that in the most hilarious way possible.

Thanks so much for swapping with me! I loved reading this, and I'm so glad to have found it. I'll definitely be reading on!

--Maggie

Author's Response: Hi and sorry for the late answer!

I'm so glad you chose this story to reivew, it's one I enjoyed writting a lot and definitly one of the most humoristic I have :)

Killian is a great guy, he just fell in love with a girl that has a crazy family, that's all! But he's a good sport so he'll play along. The boys (and Lucy) are all testing him to make sure he'd be a good Weasley and that he will fit in well with their family.

I'm really glad you enjoyed this story so far, thanks again for the review!


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