72 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Secret Santa Killian Earhart Vs Teddy (Potter (Weasley)) Lupin

17th December 2014:
I realise that quidditch is the only sport we ever play and that it might not be representative of one's physical abileties afterall. Maybe I could be a good athlete as well if I tried some muggle sport? Or maybe I could just stay the same and not even try to find out? Yeah, I'll do that and keep on mastering chess. -- Okay, I love this, because Quidditch really isn't representative of all athletic talents, I'm sure if the wizarding world had more than one sport, that people even with bad hand-eye coordination can find themselves to be good athletes. It is quite weird that they only have one sport in the wizarding world, and I love that Hugo acknowledges it. AND he not only acknowledges it and then also admits that he doesn't care either way because he wants to just go on being excellent at chess. Classic :D

I love that both Teddy and Hugo were clearly thinking '21 history questions' haha, aww.

Was not expecting that plot twist at the end, either! I can't believe Killian planned the whole thing, he's quite a sneaky one and really great for Molly.

The last line was pure gold, what a great way to end this story. This was such an entertaining fic and I loved reading it! Nice work!

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Review #2, by MERRY CHRISTMAS Killian Earhart Vs Hugo Weasley

17th December 2014:
Uh oh, he wants to see Hagrid. Please don't tell me Hugo is thinking of facing off against a Blast-Ended Skrewt or a dragon or whatever new scary animal Hagrid has obtained?

Ok, Diricawls. That's good. I think. At least it's not a Blast-ended Skrewt.

Oh, that was hilarious, having the Diricawls announce the challenge, and even more hilarious that they got out of control. Poor teachers, being constantly interrupted by birds appearing and disappearing! But I thought the birds were really cute :D and I'm sure the teachers are used to interruptions anyway as Peeves probably does his fair share.

They ARE dealing with the skrewts!! Aaa, wow this was quite the setup and multifaceted challenge, and it's going to be interesting and by far the most dangerous. Mostly just because it's something that neither of them have any experience with.

Good for Killian - I guess a couple of eyebrows isn't that significant in the long run, but his win on this one seemed fair and square! And I loved that Killian offered to play chess against Hugo in the end, like he sees him as an actual competition which I'm sure made Hugo feel much better about the previous day's challenge.

Onto the last chapter!

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Review #3, by Santa Killian Earhart Vs James (Weasley) Potter

17th December 2014:
I like being evil; itís a new style for me. I think I can pull it off. -- hahaha!

I love how Lily and Eliana team up against him too, when he won't tell them who's next! XD

Wow! Was not expecting James to challenge Killian to a game of Chess! Man, they all should have talked about their plans a little beforehand so no one ended up taking someone else's. What is Hugo going to do?!

What I think is that James actually respects Killian and wanted him to win, and Hugo can't really process that as he's so into the competition and wanted to prove himself - he is only twelve after all. An interesting turn of events here - can't wait to see what Hugo thinks up!

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Review #4, by Happy Christmas! Killian Earhart Vs Louis Weasley

17th December 2014:
I really adore Hugo's internal monologue. It's what really makes this story - I just love reading Hugo's commentary about his housemates or his cousins or the owl or just anything in general.

Hahah! Don't question Molly's assertion! Hugo, when someone says you are a god, you say YES! ;)

I loved how you mentioned that the professors even including Binns are aware of it all, and that Hagrid was willing to help Hugo! He so would. :D

Is it bad that I think it's hilarious how Hugo keeps predicting his imminent death at Teddy's hands for failing in the challenge? Poor thing, but... lol.

Dance off! Yes! That's my kind of challenge :D It sounded like a lot of fun and Killian is quite smart to analyse the styles of music that Louis might like and then pick something well outside that genre.

I'm also enjoying how Hugo is slowly starting to cheer for the underdog Killian, despite the fact that he's competing against his family (and eventually Hugo himself). It makes for an interesting dynamic!

Well done on this chapter, loved it!

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Review #5, by Secret Santa! Killian Earhart Vs Fred Weasley

17th December 2014:
I love that Hugo's friends come up with the idea of him playing chess, as I feel that's the way it often works sometimes, your friends know you better than you know yourself in some respects. And of course Hugo would be great at Chess given that his father is Ron, I imagine Hugo wouldn't have had a choice in the matter and would basically have to be good at it! :p

Ahaha, I love that his friends/cousins are so manipulative as well and know how to surprise the information out of Hugo, asking him when he's least expecting it or wearing his defenses down hah.

Gah, every time one of them mentions what it takes to join the family, I just feel really awkward for Killian, as he's just dating Molly, he's not trying to marry her yet! But I guess that's partly just Molly's Gryffindor family just making a big drama. Silly Gryffindors. :p

What do the professors think of all this? I'm sure they've noticed. At least they can get away with this in the next generation rather than Hogwarts era because can you imagine how Professor Snape would react to someething like this? haha Ok, sorry, getting sidetracked.

Shrinking his shoe! That's brilliant. Ahaha ew and the mucus spell would have been so gross, I'm glad that missed XD

I loved the end when they ended it on really good terms saying it was a great duel, and even exchanged a bit of duelling advice! That was neat to see.

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Review #6, by Secret Santa Killian Earhart Vs Lucy Weasley

17th December 2014:
Hello again Akussa! I'm back to read more of your excellent story :D

Hugo's interaction with his owl Romulus at breakfast is hilarious, I love how he wonders why the owl would be interested in drinking out of his goblet when it has his spit in it, haha :p and the way he judges Rose for actually liking his owl. Actually I really just love all of Hugo's observations - he's an observant kid and points out all these funny things. Like 'kidney pie', I can understand why he finds the name unappealing!

Ridicule it is, I think before falling back a foot behind with my elbow out and inadvertently hitting him in the ribs with all my strength. Merlin, what an unlucky accident. -- ahahah. Unlucky accident indeed. This is another example of why I love Hugo's narration.

Killian is such a champ though, I would be embarrassed by that kind of attention! And he's just like "whatever, sure!" That alone should be enough reason for them to think he's okay for Molly! :P

Ha, that was a mean trick Molly played. But I guess it's totally fair of her, considering that they're making her boyfriend go through all this, that she can manipulate the contests as she sees fit! :P

Great chapter!

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Review #7, by Santa Killian Earhart Vs Albus (Weasley) Potter

13th December 2014:
One thing that's cool about this is that the main pairing in this story isn't the main character- if anything, the main character Hugo is more of an antagonist! (at least in the eyes of Killian). It's especially neat as really none of the action so far has anything to do with Hugo - he's been primarily a bystander but it's so interesting to see everything through his eyes.

Killian is so chill. I like him, and given the little glimpses we've seen of both him and Molly so far, they seem to be pretty well matched as he's so calm and she's intense! I can sympathise with her though as it must be so embarrassing to have all these duels going on because of your idiot cousins.

Loved the bit about how James and Al both became Beaters, haha! That's quite funny. And while I'm sure they fight between themselves as any brothers do, they're unstoppable as a team!

Al certainly didn't come off too well in that beater duel. I'm curious to see what the rest of Molly's relatives have in store :p

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Review #8, by Santa Claus is back in town Chapter 1 : The Opponent

13th December 2014:
I'm back!

Ahahaha. This is such an interesting premise for a story and I loved Hugo's narration! Introverted characters are often really fun to read about. You've given me so much to love about Hugo in just the first half the chapter as his day is particularly amusing: he sits by himself and talks to his owl, does twice the amount of homework than is required, then spends the rest of the day overthinking this meeting and planning out who he would save from certain death. You've given him such a great voice and it's really entertaining to read.

Wow, this is a pretty intense proposition of Teddy's! I do not envy poor Killian Earhart having to deal with all these crazy, overprotective Weasleys! Haha. Especially if he's just started dating Molly and then all these crazy relatives come out of the woodwork and he probably isn't anywhere near ready for that yet.

Great setup, this is an excellent first chapter. :)

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Review #9, by Freda_and_Georgina Chapter 1 : The Opponent

11th July 2014:
For the (100th!) House Cup 2014 Review
Hugo's in Ravenclaw? How interesting, I think this is the first time I've seen him put there. Heehee "Rose always gets the crazy ones."
What a manly thing to do. I wonder how Teddy's getting into Hogwarts.
Hugo's thoughts on who to save are amusing, especially since it keeps switching. Teddy winking at Lucy is starting to boarder on strange.
Wow indeed. Haha!
Awesome story! I'd love to read more but the power just went out, so I can't post this review until we get the wifi back. :P
--Freda

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Review #10, by potterfan310 Killian Earhart Vs Teddy (Potter (Weasley)) Lupin

18th May 2014:
Me once again!

I'm a bit sad to see it's the last chapter but I'm excited to see Teddy's challenge.

Hugo and Romulous are just brilliant, and they never fail to make me laugh.

I love that Teddy's proud of them and their challenges they did against Killian. James is cute in how he doesn't want Molly to lose Killian, such a sweet cousin.

Teddy's whole speach on the Weasley girls made me smile, if any one would need to scare Killian off, it would be the Weasley girls combined.

"I deserve a nice lay in don't I?" - Try 'lie in' instead of 'lay in' at the very start.

Oh. my. god. I was seriously not expecting that!! It's so fluffy and Molly is such a lucky girl. I can't believe it was Killian's plan all along rather than Teddy's, the crazy kid. He's certainly Weasley material.

The last line made me giggle and it was the perfect way to end I think.

Again there were a few little spelling errors but nothing major.

I loved reading this and it's put a smile on my face :D

-Potterfan310

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Review #11, by potterfan310 Killian Earhart Vs Hugo Weasley

18th May 2014:
Hi!

Hugo's time to challenge Killian, should be very interesting!

Hugo and James aren't the only ones rooting for Killian, I am too and as I said before I think he is the perfect addition to the Weasley-Potter family.

I think you've gotten writing Hagrid done to a tee! It's amazing how close your characterisation of him is to the books, I'm always too scared to write certain canon characters including Hagrid for fear of not doing them justice but you've done it wonderfully!! :D

Ahh so maybe Molly did help James come up with stealing the chess challenge from Hugo.

The Diricawls are adorable, where can I get one? :p And as for Hugo using them to announce his challenge, was very creative. I'd say Hugo's definitely the animal lover out of the Weasley boys. I think I love it when Hugo's talking to them (much like he does with his owl) and they answer him ever so politely.

Blast Ended Skrewts!! I love it! I got annoyed they didn't appear in the films (along with a whole bunch of other things) so I love that you've used them. Especially as they're a creature you don't really hear of much.

Killian's definitely got brains, his skrewt catching technique was great. Surprised Hugo didn't think of it. Killian is going to be a great honorary Weasley, I think it's really nice of him when he asked Hugo if they could play chess one day. He's a sweetie and Molly deserves him.

"chess are too sacred for me." - Try 'is' instead of 'are' so it flows better. There were one or two little things that needed an extra letter on the end of the word, but it's easily fixed after a read through.

-Potterfan310

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Review #12, by potterfan310 Killian Earhart Vs James (Weasley) Potter

18th May 2014:
Hey!

I feel a bit bad for him being the only one in Ravenclaw, it's like he resents it a tiny bit.

I totally forgot about the teachers, oops. It's interesting to see how they actually stay and watch the challenge. I'm surprised none of them have put a stop to it or something. Poor, poor Hugo. I feel terrible that James stole his idea from him, the meanie. I couldn't believe it when he conjured it, but trust him to not just enlarge a regular sized board but to turn the tables into it. James better have a good reason which made him choose Hugo method of testing Killian.

I'm, really intrigued to see James reasons for choosing chess (maybe Molly told him too?) and why he was letting Killian win and eventually beat him.

Hugo's passion for chess just adds to his character I think, and he's a lot like his father too.

There are still a few spelling errors where letters are missing but it's nothing that can't be fixed :)

Two chapters left, I can't wait to read them!

-Potterfan310

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Review #13, by potterfan310 Killian Earhart Vs Louis Weasley

18th May 2014:
Hey!

Your take on Louis is really intriguing and I find him really mysterious. A dance off? I love it! I'm guessing Louis is the sort of creative, arty sort of Weasley, which is fascinating!

Hugo and his inner thoughts are so great! You've written him so well especially as he is one of the more under-loved characters of the Next-Gen kids.

It's no surprise Louis is so popular, I mean he is part Veela after all and he has Bill and Fleur for parents, that kid is bound to have a lot going for him in the looks department!

Being muggle-born, Arthur's bound to love that! I still think Killian is a great addition to the Weasley family despite having to go through these tests. I love the whole idea of the dance off, it's so original (much like the whole story :D) and sounds so much fun.

I am super glad Killian won!

CC - "In fact, every single armor shout this little speech" - At the very start of the chapter, try adding an 's' on the end of shout.

When Elaina is speaking to Hugo I spotted that you missed the 'y' of any more - "I can't take those coats of armor's shouts anmore!"

Onto the next chapter. I'm excited to whether Hugo does get to do his chess match after all.

-Potterfan310

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Review #14, by potterfan310 Killian Earhart Vs Fred Weasley

17th May 2014:
Hi!

Hugo and his owl! I love it, it's brilliant and I think it just adds to Hugo's character about how he talks to him. I also love the bit about how he thinks Teddy is still likely to kill them, it amuses me :D

I like how Lily and Eliana work out what the letters are, perhaps they should have been Ravenclaw's too :p Although I'm guessing Eliana already is?

Seeing Fred as the captain of a duelling team is very original! I always see/read him as a prankster type, not too bothered about school or extra curricular activities so it's so nice to see him in a different light.

Hugo playing chess! I love it when there are small inklings/facts that link them to their parents! It still incorporates the books and I think it's great as it's still the hint to the series we all know and love.

Poor Hugo worrying about what his challenge will be. Not too mention the others can think of something before him. It's weird to say but the duel sounds fun, I like the rules you came up with and the way you wrote it.

I feel so bad for both Killian and Molly. Killian because he has got to be crazy for putting up with all the Weasley family and their tricks, but then again he must love her to do so. And Molly because if Killian breaks up with her, boy oh boy will she have a hard time getting another boyfriend. Saying that any of the girls will have a hard time.

CC - "their heads held up high like a king and queed" - When Molly and Killian arrive, all you need to do is swap the 'd' for an 'n' on queen.

And when Hugo is on about them just before the duel, don't and know run together - "I don'tknow who I'm rooting for any more."

-Potterfan310

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Review #15, by potterfan310 Killian Earhart Vs Lucy Weasley

17th May 2014:
Hi!

Ahh Hugo has never failed make me laugh. His comment on Rose eating the Kidney pie, I mean why would you eat that? More to the point why is that even a food, yuck.

The fact they call Molly G-mum really makes me smile. Molly definitely sounds like a fun grandmother.

The thought of Little Lucy having to demolish as may hot-dogs in the space of one lunch time is horrifying. Throwing the Quidditch commentator into the match was great as well as the detail of his personality and how Hugo is thinking of his future rather than paying attention to the match.

Ewww gross, poor,poor Lucy. Although I can understand that Molly's mad at her cousins for trying to see if her boy will be for keep, that's still such a mean thing to do. Go Killian, well played Molly, well played is all I can say. I'm a bit surprised she hasn't really that their all going to challenge them but it shall be interesting when she realises.

CC - "The owl allows itself to drink in my pumpkin juice," - It could just be me but it sounded a little off, maybe try 'from' instead of 'in'.

-Potterfan310

Author's Response: Thanks again for such a nice review!

I know right? Kidnew pie? I had to google it to find out what it was and, surprisingly enough, we call it something else over here and eat it as well!!

Molly would be a great grandma; the name came from another one of my story, where George called her that at a family party and she got so mad, the kids decided to that it would stick. In the end, she likes it tough!

Haha, I just loved the idea for Lucy! And thinking about Ron and even Harry who gets served two or even three helpings of food whenever he goes there in the books, we can imagine that the Weasleys must all have a good appetite!

And yeah, Molly is pretty angry at her relatives about all this and she knows Lucy has way more appetite than Killian. She had to try everyhing and, although it's gross, it's fair. She's not just going to sit by and wait, is she?

Thanks again for pointing out the comment, it does sound better this way, I'll make sure to change it!


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Review #16, by potterfan310 Killian Earhart Vs Albus (Weasley) Potter

15th May 2014:
Me again!

I was really intrigued after reading the first chapter so here I am :)

Oh dear, well Hugo's friend Eliana definitely sounds interesting. Hugo and his owl are brilliant. He's such a great character to read, not too mention realistic as well. His nervous-ness makes him cute and I can't help but feel for him when he's worrying about his own confrontation with Killian.

Eliana is certainly right, I think I'd hate it too. I'm glad she pointed it out to Hugo, made it will make him think a bit more in the future before he tries it out on another cousin. I definitely like Al's little speech about all Wealey's (related or not) must play Quidditch, it's a fun rule and it'll bring the family closer together.

James and Al's story of they became beaters made me laugh. There's nothing like a sibling war, plus it goes with their personalities. Although Al would probably rather be a seeker much like his father. Ha! The fact their plan backfired and he's already a beater is too funny.

I think Killian is certainly going to make a fine member of the Weasley family. He's got such a laid back personality and happy-go-lucky nature that he'll fit right in, personally I think he's a good suitor for Molly.

Hugo's mental commentary is fab, I think my favourite has got to be "What a gentleman; he just won and still want to take care of his adversary. He should be taking his lover into his arms, giving her the victory kiss and walk away in the sunset. "

My only CC is - "Al eyes are rolling" - I think you missed the apostrophe and s off his name.

I suspect that I'm probably reading way too much between the lines but in the first chapter James says 'mollify The Captain' and then her boyfriend is called Killian well I'm wondering if this a reference to Once Upon A Time (Love it!) and to Captain Hook whose real name is Killian Jones?

-Potterfan310

Author's Response: Hi again!

Eliana is a good friend. A muggleborn who just accepts things as they come. She only recently discovered magic and Hugo's family and has learned that she can question it but it will not change no matter what she thinks!

I'm glad you like the story behind Al and James spots on the quidditch team! I thought it was so fitting to have them battle it out every week on the pitch.

Killian is a good guy; a really good prospect for Molly and would definitly fit well within the Weasley bunch. Will he take his spot though? The cousins will definitly push him to the extreme!

OMG are you serious? I don't watch OUAT so I didn't know this little info but it's amazing! This story has been written since before OUAT came out so, no, he's not named because of that but this is an amazing coincidence!

Thanks for the great review, I'm glad you enjoy you read so far!


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Review #17, by potterfan310 Chapter 1 : The Opponent

15th May 2014:
Hi!

Here for the Gryffie Review Exchange :D

I never see/read Hugo as the main character often so it's a nice change. So far I really like your characterisation of him, especially where he's interrupting his owl's every hoot into actual words and actually replies. I think every pet owner is probably guilty of this :p

One thing I absolutely love is when Lily and Hugo are best friends! Hugo's inner thoughts about her and keeping the secret about the 'male meeting' is fab as is him wishing she was born a boy.

Hugo in Ravenclaw? I don't think I've read a story where's he been a Ravenclaw, normally it's Rose so it's refreshing to see and as for his homework and doing it in advance. He truly is his mother's son which is nice because he's normally characterised to be more like Ron than anything.

I'm guessing he's pretty close to Al if he's the one he'd save if Teddy went on mass killing spree. The whole idea of him trying to avoid Lily, doing ninja moves and hiding as well as having all these crazy thoughts in his head as the time goes on, is brilliant. Hugo is super original and a tiny bit insane!

Hmm I wonder what Lucy's been through in short life? I don't suppose having Percy as a dad helps, or a huge crazy family? I'm intrigued.

The Weasley/Potter boys through Hugo's eyes is very interesting. As are their own personalities. Very different to see but I love it! Teddy is certainly the boss of the family who they all look up too.

Whilst I've never seen Scott Pilgrim I think the jist of it is he has to go through a girl's seven(?) ex-boyfriends. I could be wrong? But this story is super original and I don't think I've ever read one like it at all.

My only bit of CC would be that there's a three in brackets in the middle of the story. I'm not sure if it's meant to be there or just a typo. It's when Hugo is saying it's six o'clock and speaking about his stomach. And when Fred is asking about James' plan for him, there's a missed 'c' off the word curious.

I'm really intrigued now to read the rest :D Poor Killian indeed, he truly has no idea what he's got himself into.

-Potterfan310
Sophie

Author's Response: Hello!

I know this isn't your choice of story to review but I hope you appreciate it nevertheless!

Hugo is very rarely written as a main character isn't he? People seam to forget about him or just write him like a Ron x 2. For some reason, he just happened to become my favorite next gen character. I find him full of possibilities since, mostly, he isn't written about !!! I'm currently writting his first year in another story (although it's not the same tone at all!) so his life story is pretty much written in my mind!

Yeah, I based his relationship with his owl on the one I have with my dog...

Hugo is a pretty intense boy. It's been tough on him being Sorted out of Gryffindor but his cousins were there for him. Albus helped him understand that he was different and Lily was always his best friend; loyal to the core.
As for Lucy, well, I have an idea, in my head canon, that something happened to her at the beginning of that year which will change her a bit. I hope I get to write it some day. But it is true that being Percy's child must be pretty hard!

You've gotten it right. Scott Pilgrim has to fight the seven exes of his new girlfriend. I twinked it a bit in order to see the story from one of he enemy's point of view.

I am currently getting this story betaed by the amazing Kenpo and we will look this point out. Thanks for noticing!


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Review #18, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs Teddy (Potter (Weasley)) Lupin

25th March 2014:
Alrighty! We are here at the end!

I'll start by summarizing my thoughts about style and continuity (AKA what you actually requested). I think aside from a change in Chapters 5 and 6 that I actually ended up preferring, your style was pretty consistent. You seemed mostly aimed at using dialogue as the primary driver and then using either description or internal thoughts to supplement that. There were chapters where that worked better than others, but you were consistent overall.

In terms of continuity, I think you have no concerns. The plot flowed naturally and there didn't seem to be anything that jumped out as out of place to me. I would reiterate that if you are planning on edits, I think you might benefit from replacing the Hugo/Lily/Eliana scenes later on in the story with some other content that paints a better image or uses more powerful language/ideas, but that's up to you.

In terms of this chapter, you definitely pulled a plot twist on us there at the end. If you were aiming at a fluff ending I think it's fine, though I might make the actual proposal a little more detailed and refined. Really drill in on that moment and make it epic with your word choice, description, everything because it's crucial.

I hope my reviews have helped! Feel free to PM if you have any questions!

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Review #19, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs Hugo Weasley

25th March 2014:
This chapter seemed to go a little bit more back to the style of the earlier chapters. I think having seen this return, I definitely prefer what you did with Chapters 5 and 6 and I'd work to stay with that from here on out.

Again, I'd say that I didn't think Lily and Eliana were necessary and I would add that I'm not sure I understand the necessity of introducing this Connor character last chapter and referencing him this chapter since we are not going to learn much about him.

One of the things I thought was a shortcoming was probably the portion of the chapter involving Hagrid. I thought you did a pretty good job with Hagrid before (he's a character I just shy away from because I don't feel I could do his habits or the speech patterns justice), but this time with more extended dialogue, the speech patterns just didn't work as well for me.

What I did like is that there was some more interaction during the challenge between Killian and his opponent. I think that's something that could be included in some of the earlier sections, particularly with characters who would be likelier to taunt their target. I thought the very end came back to being a little bromantic like I mentioned before, but that's just my opinion.

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Review #20, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs James (Weasley) Potter

25th March 2014:
Ahh! So you stole chess from Hugo. I'm interested to know why you didn't want to have him lose, but perhaps this chapter with James deliberately failing speaks either to the family just coming around to him or Molly getting to people behind the scenes. It raises questions, which is almost always a good thing.

As for the style, this kept more in line with last chapter, which I think is a bit more effective on the whole. Your descriptions have improved versus before and you are not forcing characters into scenes to make dialogue happen.

The one thing I will say, is that now that we know plenty of Hugo's character, I'm not sure why we are still having these interactions with Lily and Eliana. By this point they seem a bit unnecessary and just a comfortable way to ease into the chapter. I think the story could be made more effective by ditching some of these once Hugo has been developed in favor of a more dynamic or interesting chapter intro. It would draw readers in a little more to each chapter and could be used to really set a scene or tone nicely straight from the top.

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Review #21, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs Louis Weasley

25th March 2014:
Howdy!

I did notice a little difference in this chapter compared to the others - that being the balance of dialogue versus other mechanisms was much more in favor of internal thoughts and description than in chapters past. I think part of that was down to the nature of this challenge being more "visual" and the need to explain the game, but it was just something I picked up on.

As far as content, I liked that we finally got some one-on-one interaction (even a small amount) between Molly and Killian. Even if it was Hugo eavesdropping, I thought it was a nice touch to get a little of Molly and a little more of their relationship into the story.

I wasn't particularly a fan of the challenge involving a conversion of muggle technology, but at least you explained it unlike many fics, so that was a good thing.

You also continued to develop the whole aspect of Killian noticing people's flaws and capitalizing on them to win, which was a good thing too - I'm interested to see how this comes into play in the chess match (if that is indeed what ends up happening).

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Review #22, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs Fred Weasley

24th March 2014:
Hello again!

What you really did a great job of here is showing more of Killian's character. We have seen flashes before, but I liked how you tied things together for us with Hugo's analysis of the outcome of the duel so that we really get a definitive trait of Killian's at this point.

One thing I have started to note that seems a bit off to me is Hugo's reactions to Killian. Perhaps it's a response to the difficulty of developing Molly and Killian's relationship or getting across the idea of what she sees in him, but Hugo seems to have a bit of a bro-crush developing on Killian as written and as a male reader it just seems a bit odd to me the extent to which he projects Molly's love onto her boyfriend and thinks of how great a guy Killian might be for her. Just a thought.

The bigger thing for me is the Reductor Curse. You have Fred use the incantation "Reducto" (which should probably be italicized incidentally) to shrink Killian's shoe. In reality this is the exact incantation for the Reductor Curse, which as I'm sure you know, blasts things into pieces. So be careful!

Stylistically though, I think you are still staying consistent. You're still taking the same basic approach of balancing dialogue against other writing devices like description or internal thought and I think that works for you.

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Review #23, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs Lucy Weasley

24th March 2014:
Alright! So the hot dog competition was an inventive battle especially given who the "challenger" was and I think you made the most of it by injecting the Quidditch commentator into the mix.

I did feel that everybody crowding around before that point was slightly unrealistic, as was the almost palpable tension in the air when Lucy arrived. Presumably people would have heard about the confrontation between Albus and Killian, but I'm puzzled why they would expect one between Lucy and Killian, so I guess that's why it felt a bit off for me.

Unfortunately we also didn't get a whole lot about Lucy's character (despite the fact that Hugo seems to have an affinity for her) aside from her ability to eat large amounts of food.

Stylistically, this chapter seems consistent with the others as well. I would be careful going forward with editing and proofreading though. We'll see how that develops over time (we all have the occasional extra letter or un-deleted word, but I'll just note I've noticed it multiple times in each chapter so far, so just be careful. You never want readers to get distracted by that while reading (or worse, if they're harsh enough to abandon it for this amount).

See you in Chapter 4!

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Review #24, by TidalDragon Killian Earhart Vs Albus (Weasley) Potter

24th March 2014:
Hello again!

I was intrigued to see how you would develop Albus while sticking with Hugo's POV here and I thought you did a pretty good job. I definitely enjoyed the section where Albus "calls out" Killian for the beater competition. It was amusingly theatrical.

You also did a good job in this chapter maintaining balance in use of writing tools, this time more using dialogue and description rather than dialogue and internal thoughts, but still effective.

I did think the ending was rather abrupt and very suddenly reintroduced Hugo's inner thoughts into the chapter. It probably could have been avoided merely by describing how things ended without any dialogue or inner thoughts and seemed to flow better, but that's just my opinion.

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Review #25, by TidalDragon Chapter 1 : The Opponent

24th March 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by in response to your review request. Per that request, I'm mostly going to focus on style and continuity, but I'll point out other positives as well!

I definitely enjoyed the bit with Romulus the owl. I thought it was amusing the way you characterized each hoot as having a different meaning and used that to set up some of Hugo's character and the transition to the next phase of the chapter.

I also found the hour-by-hour breakdowns of Hugo's day leading up to the meeting useful. They took us a bit inside Hugo's head. By the time the meeting rolled around he clearly came across as a studious, slightly-tense/over-anxious character.

I thought you did a good job of blending internal thoughts and dialogue in this chapter for the most part. One intriguing thing I did notice in terms of style however was that a lot of your dialogue tags use verbs in the present tense. Most of the time, even in first person, my experience is that the language is still past tense here because the person whose POV you're writing from is commenting on the behavior after they have noticed it or after it has occurred, making their retrospective thought about it or description of it a past tense one. Just something to think about.

The only part of the chapter I was not particularly a fan of was the meeting. This is the point where (understandably) dialogue comes out of balance with the Hugo's thoughts/observations. In my mind, when you get a large number of characters together, there are a couple of main approaches to take. First, if the dialogue is going to be really substantive, you may just go heavy dialogue and let more characters get involved (especially if you are not really needing to develop those characters). The other approach is to just have a few crucial speakers and keep the balance between dialogue and observation. I think I would have preferred the second approach here, because given the structure I can see in your chapters, I think we'll get enough development of the other characters in their featured chapter. There are other mechanisms to lay out all the persons who are present (see the scene where the D.A. is organized as a fine example).

All in all though, you accomplished your main goal of explaining what the story was about with good balance, decent mechanics and only a few typos I noticed.

See you next chapter!

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