I'm here for the review battle (I've got nothing better to do).
This was intense, that's the only way to put it. I liked it though, I liked how you gave insight into what it must've been like to join Voldemort's ranks; what everyone had to do in order to be accepted.
Throughout this entire thing I thought it was being told from the perspective of Regulus but probably not.
The only thing is you spelled Lucius's name wrong (I'm picky, I know)Author's Response: LOLOLOL I know i spelled it wrong, i just haven't gotten around to changing it :P
Thanks though! Haha no it's just a faceless death eater, which was really fun to work with. I'm really into that kind of stuff :)
Thanks again for the review! :) Report Review
Hello! Here's your requested review:
Just off the bat, Manor is misspelled in the third or fourth paragraph.
Didn't notice any technical errors in your story, so I have nothing to say there.
I liked that your character remained faceless. It really enforced the idea that they didn't care who joined their forces, as long as they had body count. It reaps more sympathy, in a way, that we know nothing of this young boy, yet he's being forced into this. Even worse: that he knows his parents would be celebrating his induction, from afar, not even attending with him!
It was a quick read, so there's not much analysis I can give, but it was well written, however short.
-ashleydelacourAuthor's Response: Thanks for your time! Report Review
Holiday Review Extravaganza Event Two
This was such a despairing story. I felt sad reading this. The emotions and thoughts of your main character were expressed quite well through the narrative. The way he described the "ceremony" was a bit different from the way I had imagined it to be but nonetheless, it was chilling. The ending was powerful, the last line hit me with impact. I was quite absorbed while reading this, so good work.
There were some grammar/spelling errors in your writing though. For instance, you misspelled Malfoy Manor as "Manner" and carted as "charted", and Lucius as "Luscious". I suggest going over this carefully again, or getting this edited by a beta to improve the grammar. Apart from that, it made a good read.
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Wow, you used this for Holiday Review Extravaganza? That's awesome! Yeah, I thought I fixed those but obviously not. *hides in the corner* Haha! Anyways, thank you so much for the review anyways, and Happy Holidays! :) Report Review
Hey it's Whiskey from the forums! Sorry it took me so long to get to you!
All in all, this was a great one-shot, although I would advise you to go over it sometime and polish up some grammar and word-choice issues (for example the use of "arm" in two consecutive sentences towards the end). In a one-shot, this sort of thing stands out much more.
I liked how the narrator in nameless. It's a very poignant choice in a story about surrender to authority. It's also good that you didn't try to tell us his whole life story but threw in several sentences that would present just the highlights. In a way, I ad the impression he was intended to be completely normal in order to represent the others in that line with him. An everyman character is something not to be underestimated and can be very useful, but there is the danger of him loosing something in the process. For example in this story, I felt like his emotional world left something to be desired:
If I could advise you to change one thing, it would be to find a way to make his motivations/feelings clearer. Is he being forced into this? It seems like he made a choice to join the ranks of the Death Eaters...I don't remember anyone ever being forced to take the Dark Mark in the books, even when Voldemort was controlling the Ministry. He would only take the most loyal into his inner circle of Death Eaters, the rest would serve him without the mark. Either way, I missed a deeper emotional conflict. Somewhere at some point, he must have wanted this? Clearly, he is changing his mind now, but did he always think this way?
Besides that, I really did enjoy this :) Good luck and happy writing!
Cheers!Author's Response: Wow! Thank you! You brought up some really good points, and all through out the review I was like oh! that's right! So thank you for that! I really appreciate your time, and once again, thank you for the review! :) Report Review
Hello! I have come from the nearby forums to leave you a review for our review battle in the Corvarium. :)
First, I must begin by saying that this one-shot was absolutely marvelous. You only wrote 500 words, bit you said a whole lot more than that.
The emotion you conveyed, the symbolism that you employed... Everything was perfect, as well as effective. I only regret that I do not know who the character is.
All in all, this was very, very well done, and when it comes to constructive criticism, I can think of nothing to add or subtract from this that would make it any more wonderful than it is now.
Much admiration, for being so awesome! :)
~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: Haha! Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
:) Report Review
I was extremely intrigued by the summary of this story, and I'm glad I clicked on it; I don't think I've ever read another story that describes the process of becoming a Death Eater. I especially liked how you kept the narrator nameless, but still managed to give him a little bit of a past and a personality. It definitely takes talent to establish a character in such a short amount of words, but I think you've managed that fairly well here.
A couple of nit-picky things:
- in the sentence, "Malfoy Manner, in the dark of the night was not the most pleasant sight," Malfoy Manner should actually be Malfoy Manor. A manner is a behavior; a manor is a large house.
- in the sentence, "Luscious Malfoy, a friend of my father looks down at me," Luscious is actually spelled Lucius.
- in the sentence, "He grabbed my chin and forcing my face up at him," your tenses are inconsistent. It should be either, "He grabbed my chin and forced my face up at him" or "He grabbed my chin, forcing my face up at him". Does that make sense? If you're confused, there are some really great topics in the Grammar Guidelines forum that might help!
There are a few other similar mistakes in here (not too many), so I recommend going over some of the topics in that forum or even getting a beta reader. It's really nice to have an extra set of eyes to read things over (:
Aside from those minor errors, I didn't see anything wrong with this story structurally wise or anything. At parts, your writing was really strong. I think my favorite line was: "I imagine my father, safe at home, drinking away the lies". The phrase "drinking away the lies" is so short, so simple (just four little words) but it's so powerful, and it really tells you so much. I think one of the many challenges of writing is capturing stories in few words, and you've done that wonderfully here.
That being said, I would've liked to have seen this fleshed out a bit more. It seems almost too rushed. I know Voldemort was probably trying to get as many followers as possible, but it still seems fairly abrupt and I think there's more you could do here. I think you could even include more of the character's inner thoughts, because his mind is bound to be overflowing. It is, of course, an author's prerogative; it's merely a suggestion (:
All in all, I thought that this was really unique and I'm definitely interested in seeing you continue this story. It says it's a WIP, so does that mean you're going to follow this OC through his Death Eater days, or are you going to switch between different Death Eaters? Either way, I'd be interested in seeing what happens next. Good job!
Cherry BearAuthor's Response: WOW!! THANK YOU. This is probably the best Review Battle review i've ever gotten. Thank you so much for the CC, and everything, it is very much appreciated. :) Report Review
Hi so this one shot was short, but sweat.
I think that you've captured the experience of becoming a death eater quite well. Your character seems scared, and nervous, but at the same time he seems sort of resigned to the fact of becoming a death eater. He could be anyone of the Death Eaters who weren't so in love with him like Bellatrix.
I only saw one little typo, you spelled Lucius, Luscious towards the top
Other than that I really don't have any complaints or CC for this. I guess I could ask for more right? Maybe some kind of vivid description of the room of the Malfoy Manner or something?
Anyway good job and hope to see you around another BvB battle :)
-BoOkWoRm24Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for this review! :) Report Review
This is a really interesting story. I kept trying to guess who it was that was being branded with the Dark Mark. My first guess was that it was Regulus Black. Am I right? Its interesting that the person is really scared and unsure of what they are about to do. But once he has been given the mark he is not that unsure.
MystiqueAuthor's Response: Thanks! I actually had him be just a faceless death eater. Thanks for taking the time to review!:) You made my day! :) Report Review
"Luscious Malfoy, a friend of my father looks down at me."
I know some people like the elder Malfoy, but isn't that a bit much ;).
I rather like the tone and perspective of this story. Not many stories are written from the view of an unknown Death Eater and Death Eater stories in general are scarce. It's moody and dark, hitting despair at all the right moments and then acceptance at the end.
The only thing I would advise is tense confusion. You start off in present, but then some sentences indicate past tense while other sentences have present tense. Without a definitive cue for a flashback, it's hard to discern which is which. You also slip on some parts and refer to things in past tense even though you actively started in the present tense.
But besides the tense issue, it's a good one-shot.Author's Response: Thank you very much, I don't know why, but I always stuggle with tenses... it's rather strange.. Thank you for your time. Report Review
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