This was very difficult to read, mainly because Remus is in so much pain. It's sad to read. But awesome job though (: Report Review
It's a very insightful prologue that sets us up for something more from this character. It's short but effective in my opinion and hits the nail on the head for opening up this piece.
I liked how you didn't reveal who the character was until the very last paragraph as it helped to keep the reader wondering who this was who has this burden upon him.
The emotions that you gave this character were very real and well described.
A great piece in my opinion.
Thanks for entering my challenge by the way :D I will make sure I get the results out asap and have said to others that they will be no later than about mid February. I'm sorry for the delay, it's just that i had important science exams and have only just gotten round to reviewing most of the entries.
Thanks again :D
Sophie Report Review
Hello! I'm baaack for what I am sure will be another riveting chappie :)
Poor Remus! He really does get a trough time in this chapter! He's so sick before the full moon, and then afterwards he's bitten off half his arm and dislocated his shoulder! I have never really seen this happen before, mostly in stories that include Remus's transformation, they just talk about all the adventures with James, Sirius and Peter, and seem to leave out all the pain! So this was very refreshing to see! And Remus is so skinny! That almost made me cry a little! I don't care if he's a fiction character, I still want to give him a massive hug!
The title of the next chapter is very interesting! Cousinly Love applies to Sirius I hope, because who doesn't love a good old fashioned Black showdown! Although most of them will probably be gone from school won't they? So whose cousin is it? Questions that I want answered in the next chapter!
Another fabulous chapter! PM me when the next oneis up :D Report Review
Hey there! I'm here with your requested review! :)
This was a very insightful first chapter! You did very well with the descriptions and I was actually able to feel what the character was going through while reading it. I know what it's like to have life be so horrible and not fair (as most people probably do) and you made it seem really relate-able!
I liked how you kept us waiting until the very end to introduce the character. It definitely made me want to keep reading and I was actually surprised to find out that it was Remus who was telling the story. I don't read many fan fictions where he's the narrator/main character, but I liked it. He seemed pretty in character to me and I like the way he's talking to the reader.
I thought the flow went nicely in the chapter, but there wasn't too much to judge that on because it was a pretty short chapter. I think you know where you're going with this story though so that shouldn't be much of a problem in upcoming chapters!
The plot is very interesting to me. I'm wondering if the story will be all flashbacks, or if it will be his current time? It was a nice cliffhanger to leave it the way you did because now I'm on my toes and want to read on!
All in all, I thought it was a good first chapter and I'd be happy to read more! Feel free to re-request! :D
-Amanda Report Review
Hi there! cypress here with your requested review. :)
First of all, I liked the way you chose to introduce your story. This is a really good chapter as far as prologue's go, and I like that you wrote it in the Narrator's voice. I think you did a good job keeping me guessing, too, as to who it was that I was reading, so good job there. :) At first I thought it might have been James, but eventually I caught on.
Your pacing was really good and I also really liked your POV. The characterization was good, too, for the most part very Remus-like, in my opinion. There were just a couple of areas stuck out as places you could consider editing, but of course, these are just suggestions, so you can take them or leave them. ;D
At the end of your second paragraph, I like your simile. When you go on, though, it almost sounds like the "had seemed" revers to that moment in time when the absence occurred, and then you talk about him reliving the memory a thousand times, and that it's the type of moment that will never leave him. I'd recommend rewriting that sentence "It had seemed . . . waking moment" to emphasize the lasting nature of the effect that their absence had.
Consider italicizing "Why? Why me?" to make it clear that those words aren't part of the narrative.
I think the only part that sounded a bit discordant with the character you create with your vocabulary and syntax is the pair of phrases "whiny little kids" and "not-so-horrible, pathetic lives." I almost feel like those terms are too conversational or "young"-sounding, or maybe they just come across as sarcastic/wry. Either way, I felt like that sentence took away from the dark, somber tone of the rest of your prologue.
Last thing, with your phrase "overwhelmed with a pang of sorrow," I almost feel like "a pang of" would be better cut out or replaced with a more impactful word, or even a metaphor to sort of emphasize how huge this was. A "pang" to me has the connotation of something small that sort of makes you wince a bit, but is kind of the opposite of "overwhelming".
Hopefully that's helpful. I really don't have much to criticize really. You've done a lovely job and I did like it. :) Thanks for requesting, and definitely feel free to request another if this was at all helpful.
cypress Report Review
So, I love the way this is written, it totally fits with the prologue, and is told as a story. I am a sucker for Sirius Black, so I was literally grinning from ear to ear when I saw that the chapter began with him. And Lily. Fighting. Could it get any better? I'm really glad it wasn't James she was fighting with, since I feel that that would be slipping a bit too much into cliche-zone, which is best to avoid for an interesting tale - which this definitely is!
Another thing that escaped cliche was Lily being a quidditch player. She's smart, yes, she dislikes James Potter, yes. Yet in all the 'Marauders' fics that I've read people always seemed to assumed that since she was a smart muggleborn then she would be an earlier version of Hermione, and often she despises Quidditch. This certainly makes a change and it's one I most definitely like.
I love that we get little notes about everything from Remus, it makes it interesting and gives information in a unique way that Remus isn't just reeling info off paragraph after paragraph. He also mentions little things like Sirius' aversion to the hospital wing, this gives Sirius a little more personality and character, making him more interesting, rather than having them just go to the hospital wing, and then leaving. It also helps the flow, and gives the story more depth.
There is quite a bit of depth within your characters too(I'm thinking I could do with Sirius' thesaurus right now) and I'm seriously glad to be able to say that there is 0% danger of any of them slipping into a Mary-Sue. Although Sirius is often portrayed as a playboy, as he is here, I think you've done a good job with describing things from Lupin's POV; Sirius isn't constantly snogging his girl-of-the-week on the sofas, in fact, the closest we get to seeing him with a girl is when he feels attracted to some girl in the Great Hall, which led to a fairly amusing moment of Remus having to drag him from the room. The best part of this is that yes, Sirius is a playboy, but we actually see him having a life and doing things, rather than just being constantly with some random girl, which get boring pretty quick.
I did notice a small typo error on the paragraph about Fenrir, where you wrote 'no on' instead of 'no one', and also
here: Unless you were in the mood to be kidnapped, never venture outside after about 7:00 p.m. there's a small tense error here, I think it would flow better if it was written as: Unless you ARE in the mood to be kidnapped, or if you added in "you would" before the 'never'. That was pretty much all I spotted though - and I apologise if I missed any, I'm pretty tired at the moment :(
I love this story! I do not find it lacking in interest in the slightest, and it certainly has a very good plot going for it at the moment. You have a very good consistency with your characters - keep it up!
Feel free to re-request for later chapters, although I may end up reading them anyway if I get the time! :)
Thanks for requesting!
- Emily Report Review
Hiya! I'm here with your requested review! Sorry it's a wee bit late :')
As far as prologues go, this is pretty amazing. It's a brilliant intro - better than any I've attempted! - and WOW your description is truly awesome!
I like this idea of seeing an older Remus reflecting upon his life, so that when the story starts properly it's still almost like at the same time we're reading it, he'll be sat(in an armchair or something) thinking and recalling the very same events, rather than the story just starting when they're 16(or whatever age they are).
I don't know why, but I always love a story that starts sort of at the other end, if you get me, I guess it adds intrigue and interest. I know this has!
This is a very well written 500-and-something words chapter, and apart from flow and interest(10/10 for both by the way) there's not must I can answer from your 'Areas of Concern' - I usually only R&R one chapter per request, but since this is only 500-and-something words and a prologue, I think I can manage another 3000-odd words ;)
See you next chapter!
-Emily Report Review
Alright, here I am with your requested review.
Hmm, Tonks? So is this story a bit AU? I always heard that the couple was around fifteen years apart in age, when the most they could be is seven if they were both at Hogwarts. Nothing wrong with a little AU--sometimes it's what makes the fanfiction world go 'round! But it would help to leave a little author's note letting us know ;D Or maybe this was actually the story I read that had a note about AU somewhere in the beginning... in which case, ignore me!
Haha, I liked James convincing him that Doxy droppings would help him with exams. What a nutter. And the Fat Lady, one of the funniest and most overlooked characters in HP, drinking "what looked like a Margarita." hehe!
I really wish you had included Peter in this! I think I saw in one of your reviews that you decided to take him out altogether because you couldn't get his characterization right, but there's plenty of help for you on the forums... it just doesn't feel like the Marauders without all of the Marauders. I hope to see him in later chapters!
I like your description of the Yule Ball. It seems very Harry Potter; the funny little parts like the band conductor about to poke out the eye of the flutist. I laughed out loud at "Mama Get the Hammer, there's a Fly on Papa's Head."
I'm not sure about the "poor starving children" comment. It's just a matter of personal taste, but I find it really difficult to joke about something like that without sounding offensive. Maybe consider taking that bit out? I do like James's insatiable appetite, though, and his eating the entire supply of Pumpkin Pasties with no trouble at all. I don't think I've seen that characteristic given to him in HPFF before, so it was funny to read!
A cliffhanger indeed! Is coughing blood a result of the potion, or of his condition, or neither? Interesting! Nice work. Report Review
Hello again! And thanks for re-requesting:)
I really like the first paragraph of this chapter. It sets up the story line for this chapter very nicely and gives insight into what Remus' life is like, hanging out with James and Sirius who obviously like to cause trouble. I also liked the brief inclusion of Tonks-especially how Remus asked her to the ball, and she declined. I'm guessing Tonks must be in one of the first few years, seeing as there is an age gap between her and Remus?
I enjoyed some of the details in this chapter-details which slowed down the pace and made this chapter much more believable and at times, very funny. The Gryffindor passwords were a great addition, in my opinion. I think my favourite one was 'It's national 'Hug a Slytherin' week'-genius! I also really enjoyed the interaction with the Fat Lady-your characterization on her (even though she's a painting) was spot on, and I liked the little bit about the Margarita.
There were also some great lines and moments in this chapter that really made me laugh. I think my absolute favourite section was in the dorm, when Sirius was fussing about his hair-it was really funny and I actually laughed out loud at one stage! I think my favourite line was: '“Shut up! You’re disrupting my productive hair styling session,” Sirius whined, throwing his comb against the wall.' And this line: '“Maybe you should give it a try, then,” I told James, glancing pointedly at his hair, earning me a pillow to the head' was perfect as well.
While I do think the bits in bold and italics are a nice touch (and some of them are very funny) I would suggest going through them and seeing which ones you could incorporate into the normal paragraphs. Don't take them all out, because I think they make your story unique and interesting, just make sure there aren't so many that it interrupts the flow.
I loved the characterizations in this chapter, especially of James, Sirius and Remus. You've managed to make each one of them so realistic, just as I imagined them after reading the books! I think my favourite character at the moment would have to be Sirius. He has the funniest lines!
Another great read, thanks!
Courtney:) Report Review
Gabbie here again with your second requested review you greedy devil! ;)
I was so worried about Remus in the last chapter, I thought that he would be passing out in the corridor or accidentally shift in front of a crowd. Thank goodness neither of those things happened, though running into Lucius Malfoy is about as worse as I could imagine. Liked the little bit with him in there too, and Cissy, though I'm wondering if they're all around the same age or not. No one wants to be around him for another year or two! :p
Anyhoo, Remus! I'm starting to worry that he's losing control over himself too early, is there something more severe at work here? James was great for being by his side though, but playing golf and breaking a window weren't helping matters. :D
Hehe. Oh, and don't think I didn't notice the little added bit about Voldy-something! Dangerous times are coming and I loved that you gave just a hint of that in this chapter. We all know what happens with that guy later on! D':
But from that ending, I'm worried for Remus! He's coughing up blood and he's got a serious fever going on that has nothing to do with being around Sirius's ridiculous conversation! Hahahah. I'm really curious on how you'll follow this up, I didn't spot any grammar things and I liked the pacing of this, it was just perfect so great job! ;)
GabbieAuthor's Response: Thanks for the second review!
Remus was portrayed as exceptionally ill in this chapter. I was considering including his transformation in front of everyone in the Great Hall, but figured that would be unrealistic.
I honestly have no idea what age Lucius and Narcissa are, although I assume that information could be easily discovered. As there was no clear indication of their ages throughout the series, I decided to write as though they were both in their seventh year at Hogwarts.
I really can't say if something more severe is present, as that would reveal some of the later events in the fanfiction. James was a good friend when he helped Remus out, but he wasn't doing anyone any good when he decided to try playing golf.
I was trying to hint that Voldemort was slowly coming to power, even though many people weren't paying much attention.
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
Its Gabbie here with your requested review and I'm sorry that I didn't immediately attack it! I apparently lost internet connection and promptly died of boredom last night. :p
It was not fun!
Anyhoo, so we're back! I was wondering how you were going to continue on from that last chapter but you sort of steered it in another direction and introduced us to a worrisome problem. I feel really badly for Remus, firstly, because Potions sucks but then, because he's having such a hard time with his symptoms! D':
The poor kid! I thought that you might have added in a bit more about it in the beginning when this chapter started because I thought it felt a tad random in the middle but other than that, I was hoping he was going to be all right. Thankfully, he got a bright spot in his horrible Potions nightmare in the form of Tonks! How old is she exactly in this story? I wasn't able to tell but I felt a fluttering of something between them and I'm hoping you'll play around with that later! ;)
Will we even see her again at the Yule Ball perhaps? Hm...
And, oh, James and Sirius! They're quite a pair and I think I love the way you have their friendship and how protective they can be of Remus. :D
Where was Peter in this by the way?
I liked that you put Lily back into the mix too, but I'm afraid things just aren't going well for her. I'm not sure what's worse, having to take up so many Head Girl duties or being hit in the face with a water balloon. Thanks, Sirius and James. -_-
I'm starting to wonder if Sirius actually has a little crush on Lily though, his teasing seems more like he's flirting if you ask me. Maybe i'm just guessing though? James wouldn't like that and I'm sure that he's still annoyed with that whole Snape incident! Are you going to talk about that again soon? There was so much going on in this chapter though with Remus that I'd nearly forgotten about it! D':
I'm worried about what's going to happen with him now, I hope he'll be all right! I try not to read your sneak peeks though because I like being surprised and its sheer torture as well. ;)
There were a few grammar problems but they were very minor and didn't cause me to lose focus of the story one bit. I actually do like this story and was planning on coming back to it on my own but having you re-request was just an added bonus! So, all in all, this was a good chapter I think and that ending just makes me want to read the next chapter like, immediately. Which is just what I'm going to do actually.
Thanks for the great read!
Gabbie Report Review
Hey it's part 4 of your review!
I found it was an interesting twist you left us on last time with Remus so I was interested to see how you continued on with it. I think you continued it on very well and I think it was a great idea to introduce new side effects to his 'furry little problem'.
I liked the brief scene with Narcissa and Lucius it was quite different to other stories I've read about them but I still think it worked well. I liked the fact that the entire school new about their relationship as they were possibly the pureblood royalty.
One pointer is possibly include more depth to the characters. As I sometimes feel that what Remus says and does a bit disconnected so try and reallign this.
Other than that it was really good job. Sorry I can't say much as I've already said it in the other reviews. Kiana x Report Review
Hey it's patronus_charm with what I guess you could part 3 of the review!
I really loved the library scene with Remus and Tonks he's so cute when nervous. However I don't think Tonks would have attended Hogwarts at the same time as I think she was a toddler around that time as the whole idea of the realtionship was that he was too old. Any how I thought it was still really sweet.
Sirius is so vain isn't he? I have to say he's probably my favourite character out of this so far as you just caught his little quirks perfectly. He's so funny to read! One thing with though about him though. It seemed to me when reading this chapter Laura didn't like him at all yet in the previous one it claims she fancies him. That probably needs to cleared up to avoid confusion over whether she's putting on a facade or not.
I loved the Pigfarts password it was such a cool idea! I loved seeing links betweens Harry Potter fandoms so seeing this was great! The other password ideas were great as well especially 'Hug a Slytherin'.
Even though I said it in the last review I do feel something needs to be done about the sub headings as kinda ruined the flow of the story which makes you lose interest. Besides that it was good! Kiana xAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review!
I realize that Remus and Tonks had a huge age difference. However, I figured it would be cute to have them attend Hogwarts at the same time, as that is a rarity in Marauders' era fanfictions.
Sirius is one of the easiest characters to write, and it's actually quite fun. I was aiming for his relationship with Laura to be a love-hate one, where they hate each other one minute and like each other the next.
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
Hey it's patronus_charm with part two of your review:D
I really loved Sirius in this it was exactly how I imagined him to be! I also loved his jokes and couldn't help but laugh which received some strange looks from my family! I also really liked Lily and loved how she was a Quidditch player which was an unexpected but good move. You introduced her friends well as as it was detailed but not too detailed to get boring.
I like reading it from Remus's perspective as it provides an amusing overview. One pointer don't make him too downtrodden as though it provokes sympathy from the reader too much will make him out to be an attention-seeker. One quick question is Remus gay it's just the way he described James having 'quidditch toned-muscles' made me wonder.;)
Though I found the sub-headings useful at times they were a bit distracting and detracted from the overall flow of the story.
Peter seemed a little inferior comapred to Lily, James and Sirius which seemed a bit unusual in my mind as I would have expected that more from James and Sirius rather than Remus. Though we all know he's evil he must have been a good friend at Hogwarts so try and not forget that.
One tiny brit-pick we call locker rooms changing rooms :)
Overall I thought it was good as I loved the way the characters portrayed as it was realistic and believable but with subtle twists which made it interesting! Keep it up :D
Kiana xAuthor's Response: Thanks for the spectacular review!
I'm glad you enjoyed my characterization of Sirius and his slightly humorous side. The series never mentioned that Lily was not a member of the team, so I decided it could provide some...memorable moments between Lily and James. I was a little worried that I had provided too much detail about her friends, but your comments show otherwise.
You are one of many reviewers to comment on the subheadings, which, lately, have been considering removing due to several negative comments regarding them. They do interrupt the flow, which I realized only after I had written the first ten chapters (and they appear in all ten of them).
I have pushed Peter off to the side, mostly because I assumed he wasn't one of the most popular Marauders. I have also struggled to realistic characterize him throughout the chapter, and, therefore, essentially, removed him altogether.
Ah, thank you for the comment about the locker rooms.
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
Hey it's patronus_charm with your review:)
I found this story intriguing straight from the first sentence. I loved the way you make the reader guess who the person narrating is. I just assumed it would be James or Lily considering it's a Jilly story so it was a surprise to see it was Remus. I thought that was a great idea as we've seen the story so often through James or Lily's eyes so it's a great to add new perspective to a well told story.
Though the length is short I found it served the story well as it was short and sweet yet interesting enough to make you want to continue reading :)
You have a great vocabularly which works really well as it means you can describe Remus's thoughts perfectly. This is shown as you can really feel his pain for being the result of 3 deaths and the sense of foreboding he brings with it.
I thought it flowed really well and I couldn't spot any spelling or grammar issues:) One finally thing that last line is genius! As it's a short chapter I'll review the next one as well :)
Kiana xAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review!
I'm glad to see you enjoyed the prologue, despite its short length. I wanted to avoid writing a Marauders cliche, and, instead, chose to write this fanfiction from Remus' point of view, figuring it would put an old twist on a well-known story.
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
hello, hello, hello! i am finally here with your requested review, although very late! (and apparently the coffee has not set in and i am too lazy to use proper capitalization; forgive me.)
first of all, love for this story being told from remus's point of view. i can already tell from the beginning of this chapter, and the last, that you've got a knack for writing in his voice. one startling difference that i did notice was the drastic change in tone from the previous chapter to the next. it went from being very foreboding and ominous to one of the fun-to-read marauder scenes in which lily and james are flirting/fighting. maybe if you just mentioned something that would carry the dark tone over even in the subconscious of the readers; like that it had been raining for weeks or that it had gotten cold outside... or really anything, i don't know why i'm picking on the weather as the only ominous thing in the world XD
I love Remus's physical description of himself, and the freckles standing out like a ski coat in July. I do wonder, though, about his being so lighthearted about his furry little problem? I always thought he was filled with some serious angstyangstyangst. Maybe you are trying to juxtapose their lives before the "moments of impact" in this chapter by contrasting it with the first chapter... which would make sense. Personally I would like to see it made a bit clearer, if that were the case :3
Another thing that stuck out to me was Severus calling somebody geeky. I always imagined that he was so low on the totem pole of "cool" at Hogwarts that he couldn't look down on somebody for being "geeky;" rather he was more concerned with their blood line.
Hahahaha, I loved "When in doubt, Peter Pettigrew." Same with James's countdown until the next Quidditch match. Also your back-story for Remus and Peter particularly were very well done. I think the banter between Sirius and Lily in particular was very nice.
All in all, a nice job! :)Author's Response: That's perfectly okay!
I tried to choose the least-likely narrator for this story, and, evidently, settled for Remus. I didn't want it turning into one of those all-too-frequent Marauders' cliches. Additionally, there was very little information concerning his early life present in the original series. Therefore, I could be creative with his family, friends, and Hogwarts years.
I tried to insert pieces of humor here and there, even in Remus' description of himself. The basis for this fanfiction is Remus looking back at the past and realizing some of the mistakes he made and recounting the events leading up to the "Moment of Impact" that is referred to in the prologue. Therefore, I was aiming for two sharply contrasting chapters, and I shall attempt to edit this chapter to make that point clearer.
I wasn't sure that geeky was the correct word to use in this situation, and am still trying to come up with a substitute. I do have a beta currently looking at this chapter, so she can hopefully assist me with this.
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
Hi! I'm Courtney, here for your requested review:)
My usual rule is that I only read and review one chapter, but the prologue was very short, and immediately had me hooked, so I thought I'd give the second chapter a try too!
There's really not much I can say on this, apart from the fact that I feel like it was a great way to begin this story. I especially liked the way you didn't let the author know that it was Remus Lupin speaking until the very last paragraph. This is always a good technique to keep the reader hooked, and you definitely succeeded! After realizing the Remus was the one narrating this chapter, I looked back and thought 'Wow. You have really done his character justice, even in so little words!'
I think the first line, 'I never understood how important it is to keep your loved ones close and your enemies closer' was perfect. It's one of those classic statements that makes you go 'Okay. So now I have to figure out what has triggered these words!' And that is one of the reasons I decided to move on to chapter two-oh, and I liked the line at the end, by the way: 'Welcome to my wolfish nightmare.' Very nice:)
First off, I want to say that I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter! You clearly have a humourous streak and your characterizations, especially of Lily and Sirius are superb. I'd just be careful, at times, that you make sure to stay in one tense-I noticed that you switched from past to present and back again at quite a few points in the chapter.
Once again, I really like the way you start this chapter with the 'thwack' and then the later statement 'That would be two of my best friends attempting to decapitate one another.' It was a great way to hook the reader, and didn't give too much away-these lines also hinted at what the mood of this chapter was going to be.
I generally think the bits in bold, such as 'A Word to the Wise' were a nice touch, but perhaps a bit overdone? Don't get me wrong, some of these bits really made me laugh, especially this:
***A Quick Note About James Potter’s Infamous Plans***
1. Failed miserably
2. Succeeded Flawlessly
but you have so many in this chapter that I feel as though it interrupted the flow a little bit. Perhaps 'the conversation that ensued' could be just that: a conversation?
I really enjoyed reading your descriptions of each other character. Each and everyone seemed so accurate that I could almost picture the characters in my mind. I think you nailed Sirius-I also really like the banter between he and Lily. This was my favourite part: '“Would you care for a thesaurus?” Sirius asked politely.
“To beat some sense into you? Absolutely,” she replied.
“No, you appear to be running out of insulting adjectives to describe me.”
Some of the funny little details you have included in this chapter are great, and really made the story seem much more believable. I liked the fact that Sirius has this 'strange aversion' to the Hospital Wing and the idea of a mini Sirius and James running around together was very cute.
If there's one piece of advice I could give you it would be this: imagery. I know how hard this is-I struggle with it myself-but I've found that it really makes a story, though in saying that, I am really nitpicking here! So far I think this story is great! It has nicely developed characters, a plot that looks like it is going to be very intriguing and a lot of interest.
Thanks for the great read!
Courtney:)Author's Response: Thank you for taking the extra time to read the second chapter as well! It really means a lot to me.
The prologue was...quite short. Shorter than I had been expecting. But I didn't want to drag it out further because I feared that would bore readers. I'm glad you enjoyed the opening and closing paragraphs, as those were some of the hardest to write.
I really struggled with the humorous aspect of this fanfiction, as this was my first real attempt at writing within the genre.
I'm currently having a beta read this chapter, so hopefully she will help me correct the tenses throughout the chapter.
I have received several previous comments that the statements within the asterisks interrupted the flow slightly. I am considering removing them, or, in future chapters, trying to transition more smoothly between these statements and the rest of the fanfiction.
I struggle with imagery also, as you can probably tell. Whenever I try to include a sentence or two with more detail about the settings or characters, it turns into two to three paragraphs. I've been trying to find a happy medium between the two extremes.
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
Another lovely chapter, but I'm definitely glad that this one was longer. It gave me a lot of insight about the relationships that you've created for your characters. The way you introduced each character was pretty original--it wasn't too much summary and it wasn't overdone. I liked the little interjections with the stars in between each one, because that gave some more detail about their personalities without being overly summish. (If you know what I mean!) I also liked that you kept the action going in between the descriptions--it was more realistic that way, and not just "And now we pause for a word from the narrator."
I can tell that the story is going to build up into something really interesting. The Snily in this case is quite fresh, because they've made up from the little fifth-year incident. I found no wrong in the chapter at all. You seem to be very conscientious of structure and spelling, while also telling a wonderful story. Keep it up!!
~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: Thank you for all of the encouragement! I must admit, my prologue was much shorter than I was expecting, so I added quite a bit to this chapter with the hopes of counteracting the prologue.
I have constantly struggled with effectively introducing characters, while avoiding too much detail, yet providing enough information so that readers can relate to the characters.
I've received several comments that the notes with the stars around them have broken up the overall flow of the chapter, so I was considering removing those until I read your comments. At least one person enjoys them!
Thank you again,
Voldy Needs a Hug Report Review
Hello! sour_grapes_snape here, from the Jily Challenge.
First of, I would like to say that I love the basis of this story. I feel like Remus (and Peter) is often neglected amongst the Marauders, most of the focus being on James or Sirius. So I think a story in his POV is a great idea and you write it very well.
My only complaint, in regards to my challenge, would be that there wasn't much James/Lily interaction.
However, I did genuinely enjoy the story. Remus has a good "voice" and the story seems really interesting. And, by the way, I absolutely LOVED the prologue. It was very well written.
Thanks for entering my challenge! Results will posted on the forums soon!Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. I did try to avoid some of the cliches present in the majority of Marauders' Era fanfictions, so I decided to write from Remus' perspective.
With regards to the challenge, I had received jealousy to write about, and wasn't exactly sure how to incorporate that into a fanfiction. I thought this chapter, however, portrayed James' jealousy when he discovered Lily and Severus were dating, and the events that ensued.
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I like your writing style. It’s very personal and easy to read. I like the little narrative breaks you take- warning the reader about Lilly, for example. I haven’t seen it done that way before, and it’s really refreshing and a neat way to connect with the reader.
Also, your humor is well-placed and makes me chuckle. The bit about Lupin’s never ending supply of aunts dying was a great little tie-in to the introduction of his early werewolf stages. And, although I like these stories, I feel that there are some holes in them. I might be missing some book-orientated details about the Marauder’s, but I would like for the little stories to expand a little more, perhaps. For example, the story with Sirius and the chandelier. I was eagerly reading to see where it was going, and was left a little confused when it ended with the bones of the story: Sirius merely dropped a chandelier on the Minister’s head. We don’t know why he was, where they all were, etc, etc. It’s a stupid, little minor detail on my part, but you’re such a clever writer and I really would’ve liked to see where your back stories go.
When in doubt, Peter Pettigrew. I was left a little confused with this sentence, as I didn’t pick up on your meaning. Perhaps expand it a little more? I reread it just to be sure, his whole back-story, and still was slightly confused on what point you were trying to make.
Trees do not typically have a habit of sneezing. - LOL!
I didn’t see anything technical, and would be surprised to because it sounded like you thoroughly edited it. Overall, job well done! Good writing, solid humor, and an entertaining read. Sorry if I couldn’t be of much help, you had lots of previous reviews and not a lot of errors. Since it’s the first chapter, there’s not a lot I can compare to because we’re not that far in the story. If you chose to re-request, hopefully I can be of more help in the future. If not, your story has been added to my wish-list of fanfics to read.
-ashleydelacourAuthor's Response: Thank you for the excellent feedback!
I'm glad you enjoyed the comments in the asterisk, as you are one of the few readers who does. I didn't want to write a traditional old fanfiction, so I tried to make it a little more interesting with those interjections.
The humorous aspect of this chapter was the most challenging to write, as this was my first time experimenting in the genre. I'm glad I was successful.
There was some information that was left missing intentionally. For example, Sirius and James' catastrophe with the Minister of Magic and the chandelier is going to be explained further in an upcoming chapter. I was a little hesitant to include it here, as I didn't want the chapter to drag on and bore readers to death.
I did spend quite a bit of time editing this chapter and currently have a beta reading it as well.
Thank you for all of your comments,
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Amazing. I really have no CC for this chapter at all. I loved it from beginning to end.
...if you don't re-request for a review on the next chapter in 24 hours I will probably be back anyways, because right now I'm fighting not to keep going. I plan on hitting that "favorites" button up there, too.
Great job and it was a pleasure to read! ...okay I better leave and read the next story before I give in and get sucked into yours! ;)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad to see you enjoyed this chapter and decided to favorite it.
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Hey, hey, hey! Its me, Gabbie! Here again with your requested review. So, we're back to Remus and I have to honestly say that the first few bits of this had me going, "Wha?" cause I was expecting something so much darker from the prologue. Then again, you said that this was written differently but I sort of preferred the prologue a little, I had gotten really into it. :p
So, the beginning of this is hilarious. I loved that we got to see a lighter side to Remus and after getting used to it, I had to conclude that I might be in love. Again. Oh, the hormones. What I really enjoyed was getting a little bit into what his family life was like and uragh, his brother Neil can taste my foot! :p
Okay, I must ask you this: Why did you break up those few sentences like... *Word of Advice* instead of merging them into the paragraphs? Those sort of breaks in the chapter sort of took me for a loop for a minute and I didn't like them interrupting Sirius being beaten up. I'm not sure if this just the style you wanted but it took me a few minutes to get used to it but I'm not sure if I really like it. They're funny, don't get me wrong, just unusual and something that I have to get used to I guess.
So, onto the characters! (Aside from Remus) I thought Sirius and Lily fighting was something different, though I'm not sure I really picture Lily having such a temper. Then again, she's ginger...hahaha, just kidding. James really surprised me in this because he seemed alot more sensitive than he's portrayed in other stories and I think I liked that the most. I'm not really digging Sirius being a playboy thing because really, I'm the only girl for him and we both know that. ;)
This had a slight AU feel to it because we all know that Snape and Lily never happened and I wonder why you decided to change that? Its interesting though and added some conflict, though, not for Remus and more for James. Who, by the way, played a nasty trick!
And I'll have you know that trees DO sneeze! I take offense! Hahahaha.
Anyway, I think that this had a unique flow to it and the tweaks you've made versus canon is really original to me. Not sure why, but I like the way you've got your Remus, he's really funny and his sometimes dry narration is hilarious, though, oddly insightful. He's got some depth to him and I hope you play around with it later on. :D
Otherwise, this was a good chapter and thanks for the great read! :D See you on the forums!
GabbieAuthor's Response: Thank you for the wonderful review!
I'm sorry you didn't enjoy this chapter quite as much as the prologue. I was attempting to portray the drastic difference in Remus' personality before and after the "moment of impact" that was referred to in the prologue.
There was little information about Remus' family or early life throughout the series, so I had to create much of his background story. I definitely agree with you regarding Neil. He will be making a reappearance in the next several chapters.
I was aiming for originality and creativity when I inserted the comments between the asterisks. I have receive several comments about them interrupting the flow, and will be attempting to reconstruct this chapter within the next several weeks and will (hopefully) fix the issue).
Once again, not much is known about Lily's Hogwarts years, or her life in general. I figured I would give her a bit of a temper to prevent my fanfiction from becoming another one of the Marauders' cliches. I apologize for the mistake regarding Sirius. You two were definitely made for each other, and I take back everything I wrote about him in this chapter :)
I also want to apologize to your offended trees; I do not mind their abnormal sneezing habits.
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Hope that startled you! Hahah. Its me, Gabbie, with your requested review! What a powerful opening for this and why, why, why isn't it longer?! But then, I'm just complaining because it obviously says "Prologue". ~sigh~
This was a really dark way to open up your story and the way you've weaved the narration is really engrossing. I wasn't able to stop reading it for a moment and I enjoyed getting a little sense of the narrator (Who turns out not to be whom I thought!) and the pain of their actions was beautifully written. For some reason, I had assumed that this would be James reflecting on his last year at Hogwarts or even Snape but then as the story kept going, I had some doubts. I'm pretty sure that James wasn't just a joker but the way you have this written makes me think that this person had suffered and suffered alot. James wouldn't be the first person that I would think to have this level of pain and I think I might be happy about that.
There are alot of James fics out there and its good to see something a little different.
And its always lovely to see different perspectives on Remus! He was a favorite character of mine in the HP series and I was one of those people who was devastated when he and Tonks died. D':
Though, while reading this, I couldn't help but wonder what on earth happened for Remus to lose three people he cared about! It seems as if he made more than too many mistakes and I can't help but wonder and worry about what they might be.
The only CC I guess I could give was that on some paragraphs, it felt a bit chopped and that you might want to try smoothing your sentences. But that's about it! :D
This really drew me in and I thought that it was a great start to your story! :D I'm going to hop on over to the next chapter right now!
GabbieAuthor's Response: Haha, yes, that did startle me!
I was also a little disappointed regarding the length of the prologue. I was expecting it to be a bit...longer when I first started writing it. However, I didn't want to drag out the thoughts and bore my readers, so it has remained at just over 500 words.
I'm glad you enjoyed the prologue and were immediately drawn into the storyline! Many readers weren't expecting Remus to be the narrator as they read the prologue, which surprised me. I thought the majority of people would automatically know that Remus was narrating.
I will try and work on my flow a bit more throughout the prologue. I was in a bit of a rush when I edited this chapter, so that may explain the choppy transitions.
Thank you for all of your feedback,
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It's Roots in Water here with your review. I'd forgotten that I'd reviewed your story before, but your prologue quickly jogged my memory. :P
Your writing style makes for a very unique (and enjoyable) portrayal of the Marauders. I don't think that I've ever read a story before where Remus started coughing up blood in the middle of the Yule Ball or where Remus made such amusing comments in the middle of the narration. This story is definitely enjoyable and intriguing.
Since we only have stories and memories to base the characters off of, and not concrete sections of canon, I think that you've done a good job of elaborating on the basics of the Marauders-era characters. James and Sirius are funny pranksters and James appears to be interested in Lily... Remus, while certainly not a book-obsessed student, is shy/self-conscious enough in action to make his failure to rein James and Sirius in believable. And Peter's gone home for the holidays, so I don't really have anything to comment on about him. My only suggestion would be to try and relate Remus' thoughts more with his actions. As funny and interesting as his thoughts are, they don't entirely sync up with his actions because while he sounds completely comfortable and confident in himself, he doesn't act that way.
And, is it just my imagination or did you skip a month or so between this chapter and the last? If so (and I apologize if I'm mistaken), I would be careful to write a short transition at the start of the chapter that summarizes the months that have been skipped over. It allows you to move the story along quickly without seeming like you're jumping through time.
Other than that small thing, however, I think that you're doing a great job of moving the plot along while also describing the events in enough detail that it doesn't seem like you're rushing through them. You're also doing a great job of describing the dynamics between the characters (James' gaze after Lily in this chapter really makes me curious about his exact feelings for her...).
Your flow is also good. Now that I've gotten more used to the **headers**, they've become fun and amusing and they don't seem to break up the text as much.
On a smaller, more particular and canon-related note, you introduced Nymphadora Tonks in this chapter as a student at Hogwarts... Even though she doesn't start at the school until several years after Remus has graduated.
All in all, I think that you're continuing to do a good job of writing an interesting story about the Marauders. I'm interested to see where you will take their lives and what these "moments of impact" will be. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful! Report Review
Hey, it's sweetlovelygirl again.
Great chapter again! And again: a cliffhanger. I hate that! :P It's funny to see back Draco and Pansy's relationship in Lucius and Narcissa's. These couples are so much alike. :) And well, Draco is really like his father was. Loved this chapter!
-Xxx- SLGAuthor's Response: Thank you for the words of encouragement! Cliff hangers will appear in virtually all of my chapters. I do have to keep readers interested and on their toes, after all.
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