Reading Reviews for Not Another Fairytale.
  
79 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Rumpelstiltskin The one with chaos and realisations

16th March 2014:
Hey there, I'm here for Blackout (number 16/20).

Plot/plot arch: So, it seems there's a little trouble in their already troubled pseudo-paradise, if that's what you could call it. Information does have a way of traveling through schools, especially once it turns into more interesting misinformation, so I like that you added that little element. Fate certainly doesn't seem to be on their side in this chapter, landing themselves in detention and all. To top it off, Daisy ends up becoming partners with Albus. This can only end disastrously. Frenemies with benefits? I stand by my disastrous ending comment ;).

Characterization: Oh Daisy, such strange thoughts on a consistent basis...that's why she's a fun character. It takes a special kind of person to speculate about the impracticality of carrying coins in a bag, rather than paper money.

Other/Notes: Again, I love the interactions with dialogue, especially when your characters are arguing. You do a very good job with that.

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hey Rumpel,
I would call it an already trouble pseudo-paradise. They're in trouble and they love causing more. Yes, rumours spreading is the worse thing in school, nothing is ever what you heard.

I'm glad you like Daisy and her crazy thought. And I'm glad you enjoyed the dialogue, I hope that I can keep it going an keep you interested.

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #2, by Rumpelstiltskin The One I Where I Give Into Temptation

14th March 2014:
I'm back (Blackout 4/20), with a brand-new reviewing style to prevent me from rambling too much!

Plot arch, so far: Whoa boy, Dom is right when she's talking about tension ;). From the beginning, what a better way to wake up than in a slightly embarrassing situation that involves your sworn-enemy-made-ally as your pseudo-pillow. Of course, that was just the beginning of what would be the hilarious misadventures of the pancake-making extravaganza. Speaking of, just wow. I'm truly at a loss for words for that segment, it seemed like one hysterical disaster after another. The arguing over how to make the pancakes, the flower catastrophe, how the batter turned out, pouring a ton of batter into the pan, dropping the glass bowl, the disgusting pancake... it was all amazing.

Characterization: I'm going to narrow this down to only Daisy and Albus for now, because I'm limited to character numbers. Daisy, of course, is an interesting character. She's slightly insane, but that makes her all the more fun. Albus is a typical teenage boy, and seems to take pleasure in annoying the halibuts out of Daisy. As teenagers, with hormones, they seem to be playing their roles nicely.

Style: I'm just making a quick note on the story style here, because I really enjoy it. First of all, you always begin with "Once upon a time...or--", which I really just love because it's not meant to exactly be a fairy tail, although it is, and I think that reiterates the fact as well as adds a little flare to the style. The structure is also quite nice, there is a situation, and then some fantastic quirky bits of dialogue, and I love dialogue. Nobody could ever say that this story lacks conflict, because it is jam-packed with some fun conflicts. I especially like the Daisy and Albus versus Pancakes conflict, but you probably already know that. Of course, all of this inevitably end up in a kiss, even if it was the smallest of kisses, and James' intrusion. :D

Emotion: Daisy's annoyance and anger did shine through, though I've been wrapped up in hysterics throughout the entire chapter, so...yeah.

Other/Notes: Out of all the fabulous lines in this, I have to say that this one is my favorite: "The apocalypse is nigh, were all going to die." --What a fabulous afterthought to the kiss and Daisy's almost-feelings for Albus.

Fantastic job!

-Rumpel

 Report Review

Review #3, by Lululuna Once Upon A Time...

13th March 2014:
Hello! :)

This seems like an interesting start! :) I quite like Daisy so far - she's very sassy and snarky, but I think there's a more vulnerable interior which seems interesting. I liked how she introduced herself through the fairytale story, as if she were trying to make herself feel better about her difficult life and situation. Also, how she seemed very confident and nonchalant throughout the evening, but then is hiding bruises and emotional scars which few get to see.

I'm so curious about why she hates Albus so much! He doesn't seem so bad, perhaps it is a way of dealing with a crush. :P The truth or dare game made me laugh with how systematic it was, what with the Hat and all the fearsome dares. I thought it was so clever how she drew from the Hat to refrain from kissing Albus, then went to having to kiss him for longer and in a closet because of Roxy, and then to actually wanting to kiss him! :P It was just great.

This prank seems quite interesting. I feel like this crew would get up to some very strange and entertaining shenanigans, and this was a wonderful beginning to that! :) I enjoyed this a lot!

Blackout Round 3 - 15/20

 Report Review

Review #4, by TidalDragon That just happened.

9th March 2014:
Thank you for walking back the blackmail! I think Daisy probably got over it too quickly, but I'm glad to see that you withdrew that dagger before it could poison things for long - a very wise decision. I think you also did a good job with Daisy's initial feelings about the arrangement before it was taken back.

A couple of things I did notice for editing - I think you changed the name of one of the step-sisters and you definitely changed the spelling of the other. Characters always have to be consistent so make sure to fix that. Additionally, the manner in which Albus asked Daisy to Hogsmeade and the follow-up with the friends just didn't feel right to me. It seemed like something that would definitely be addressed in private given their situation, especially given their apparent concern for their friends and family's opinions.

Outside the plot, I thought it was nice that this chapter was a bit more streamlined and well-structured than some of the others.

To summarize some of my comments from throughout the story though, I would definitely work on using description and internal monologues as vehicles to advance the plot and let us see what is going on with different characters more so than dialogue. Though it has improved somewhat, dialogue is still dominating the story, partly because some of what I mentioned before is missing and partly because you're still driving each character present into some conversations unnecessarily. Finally, if you feel that you can't cut dialogue significantly as a driver of the story, I would really look into refining your language in dialogue tags. You can make a public setting contain a private conversation, convey vital body language, actions, etc. all with effective use of dialogue tags. If you carry that carefulness into the rest of your descriptions and into the spoken parts of the dialogue themselves as well it will only keep your story getting better and better.

Good luck as you go forward! Hope I was able to help!

Author's Response: Hi again,

The blackmail was never going to stick, blackmail is a serious thing. I had no choice but to take it back, it's a hard thing to comeback from it. It would have inevitably have ruined any chance they had at a 'normal' relationship.

The spelling of the step-sister always confuses me as there is two different variations of that name. I didn't change the name of the other step-sister, she's always been called Anastasia.

I will try to use more dialogue tags to convey certain things, if you think that that will help. I am working on description and inner monologues as part of my creative writing coursework and hope that I'll be able to use it improve this story.

I want to thank you for taking the time to review all mu chapters and give me CC for each and everyone. This will really help to improve my writing and this story. You have been a great help. :D

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #5, by TidalDragon The One With The Question

9th March 2014:
Okay! Seems like you recaptured something from Chapter 6. I thought the interactions here were more believable again, especially Daisy's reaction to being blackmailed.

I am concerned for the long term plot based on the blackmailing though. While the subject of the blackmail is relatively innocuous, that Albus would do it is very problematic both for his character and any future relationship he and Daisy would have. It's the height of manipulation and would realistically be incredibly toxic to a future relationship developing if you do intend on going through with that.

Before that point, it was nice to continue seeing a different side of Albus. Even if Daisy did not acknowledge it, prior to the blackmail he seemed like he was turning out to actually be a decent guy underneath it all which would feed the idea of relationship developing well.

Author's Response: Hi again,

I'm glad that you like this chapter too. No one would react well to blackmail, that's what I tried to capture in this chapter. I'm glad it worked. The blackmail is part of the plot but not a major part. I only comes up a few more times. Albus isn't as terrible as Daisy makes him seem and it will take her a while to see that.

Anyway thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #6, by TidalDragon The One With The Party

9th March 2014:
Starting right in, while I appreciate a good first-person story, I think with the scenario you set up it is realistic to get Albus's perspective on the situation, so I think it was a great decision to delve into his POV. It also gave us a little bit more realistic look at the type of person he really is, which was refreshing.

I did find the end of the chapter to be a bit unrealistic in terms of the childhood flashback. The only way I can picture it really working is if you set up some way in which Albus is similar in appearance to her father (or at least young photos of him), but unless she was thinking about her father while drunk (which it didn't seem she was from the rest of the chapter), it's unlikely she would project him onto Albus, at least in my opinion.

You might also do well to cut down on some of the attire descriptions and preparation for the party by the girls. It seemed like something that would realistically happen, but I think covering every moment of it may have been slightly excessive given that no character's attire was really important to the chapter's plot. Just a thought.

Author's Response: Hi again,

I'm glad you liked Albus's POV, I felt iffy about using it.it. I'm glad it wasn't a total bust. As for the childhood flashback, that is explained further down the story. It's not due to what you suggested but due to something slightly different. I will see what I can do about the clothing description, I will try to cut it down if I can.

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #7, by TidalDragon The one with Carlos the Pygmy puff

9th March 2014:
Howdy again!

I thought this chapter was probably the best so far on a lot of levels. It was by far the most believable for me, you broke up the scenes naturally and at logical points, and it we got to see a little deeper into Daisy and Albus's characters than in previous chapters.

There are two things I would work on in this one. The first is the description of the common room. It's good to have it laid out, but it will be even better if you use some vivid language to really paint a picture in a readers mind. Generally, I also always force myself to modify what I'm calling something or how I'm describing it if I have to use slashes at any point because that is usually a signal to me that I could be clearer on the page about what it is or clearer in my own mind about what I'm really trying to describe.

The other item was the pygmy puff section. If the pygmy puff has a point to the story in the future, totally ignore this, but as the scene was described, it didn't seem necessary and it took up a decent chunk of space in an otherwise focused and well-structured chapter.

Author's Response: Hi again,

I'm glad you like this chapter, I will try to change the description of the common room to build a better picture. Describing rooms has never been a string point for me but I'll change things around and try to make it better. I'll try and use different words to describe things without using slashes,

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx



 Report Review

Review #8, by TidalDragon The one that came next

9th March 2014:
Okay! Though I have a soft spot for the playing of Quidditch getting some page time if it's brought up (even practice), I like even more that you used time lapse language to skip portions of practice if nothing significant was going to happen.

I was also glad to see that you put the brakes on Daisy and Albus for at least this chapter. I am however missing follow-up on the bruising Albus saw. I thought that was going to be an interesting plot point carried through the story and I think it would be nice to at least get the real story from Daisy if it is too soon to address with other characters. I know this could be difficult ground with the ToS depending on whether it is really what I suspect, but despite that, I hope you pick it back up at some point.

The biggest thing about this chapter that was problematic for me was probably the language again. I recognize these are teenage characters and that IRL some or a lot of them would probably cuss like sailors (I did so more than I'm proud of when I was younger). At the same time, in reading a story, it's just a bit off-putting. The frequency with which Daisy has began to do it also seems a bit remarkable given her back-story and the way she initially seemed to be a bit more refined than some of the other characters in the first two chapters.

See you at the end of Chapter 6!

Author's Response: Hi,

Yeah I thought Quidditch was well over due. The bruising on Daisy's arm is part of the whole plot, it will be back just not yet. It will be back soon, I need to work out a way to write it and make it ToS compliant. I can guarantee that it will be back though.

I am going to remove the swearing, I re-read this and I don't like it either, it makes the text seem more crass. I try to make these characters seem like real teenagers but it's hard without them coming of as unrealistic.

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #9, by TidalDragon The one with chaos and realisations

9th March 2014:
First, I liked that you used less dialogue again and broke up the speech with some more reactions and internal thought processes. Keep doing this.

Two things that jumped out at me immediately were the f-bomb and the misspelled incantation. I understand that the relationship between Daisy and Albus is very fractious, but I thought the f-bomb was over the top. Realistically, even amongst teenage students, such language should only be used in extreme circumstances or if swearing is a serious part of the character's regular speech patterns and personality (see Pulp Fiction). Like I said in my earlier review, people look past typos and spelling errors if they are unimportant and rare, but an incantation for a spell really stands out, so it's vital not to let your mistake happen there.

Also, from last chapter to this one, there is a stark difference in length. Some of that is because you covered a longer span of time and had more characters involved, but I would be careful to focus on only what you truly need. Once you have those scenes, use time lapse language to skip through the day so you aren't creating superficial scenes where nothing really happens simply to avoid having gaps in the day. Readers understand that not every moment of your characters' lives is exciting and that even weeks at a time can be relatively mundane - so mundane that they can be dismissed away in a single sentence using time lapse language. Skipping ahead using that language also ensures that in a plot like this, things don't feel rushed.

Author's Response: Hi again,

The f-bomb! I forgot about that, I was meant to remove it, I thought it was a bit much too. The time lapsing this is an issue for me, I tend to show way too much into the characters life, I will try and remove some scenes that aren't required for the plot. Slowing things down is an isse for m, I'm trying to work things out so that they don't see rushed.

Thanks again :),

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #10, by TidalDragon The One I Where I Give Into Temptation

9th March 2014:
Cutting to the chase, I like that this chapter contains significantly less words. Obviously that's easier with less time passing and fewer people in the room, but you also streamlined the scene better and seemed to focus in on the important moments more so than the previous two.

Since I am going in order, I'm not sure how quickly this is going to end up going, but I'm feeling that the Daisy/Albus feelings are a bit rushed. Part of that is that you set up the bet as a cliffhanger in the end of last chapter. To me that seemed like a device that was going to slow things down and we were going to get a bit more into Daisy's head or break her into some dialogue with different characters to let her growing feelings get some play. Instead, she caves on the bet at the end of this chapter. One danger with this is that it risks diminishing both Daisy and Albus's complexity as characters. I hope we'll see them develop more slowly and independently going forward so that we can get a little more depth.

Author's Response: Hi there,

I totally see where you are coming from, the story and there relationship is moving faster than I predicted, I'm currently revising EVERYTHING and debating whether the time line suits the story, I'm working on taking their relationship back a notch, as it moves forward. In the nine chapters I've published I am trying to take things back a little and slow things down, to give everything more depth and more reason.

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #11, by TidalDragon Then one with the bet.

9th March 2014:
Howdy again!

I think you started the chapter well by drilling in on the details of the cliffhanger you left us with at the end of Chapter 1. You also went the extra mile in the portion of the chapter to give us better descriptions, using more adjectives and describing distance, sensations, etc. This is the kind of writing you want to aim for in critical moments and a heavier form of the amount of description I think you want to mix in throughout your writing.

The main thing that hindered this chapter for me was the dialogue. While dialogue is very important for both moving the story along and conveying information, it's dangerous to let it completely dominate a chapter, which is what seemed to happen here. You also want to make sure that when you're using dialogue you use more nuanced words in the speech tags so it is clear not just whether it is a question, exclamation, or statement, but also more the manner in which it is said and action or posture that accompanies the delivery. You did this a few times and it is more effective at getting the reader in the scene, so I would make it a point to do it more often.

My last comment is more a personal preference than an objective critique, but I know it is one that some other readers on this site share, so I figured I would offer it. I think it's important to be very careful with the introduction of new technology or Muggle culture into the wizarding world. For me, I don't like it unless you make very clear how it is believable because, if you look at canon, I think you clearly see how unique and separate the two worlds are in this area in particular.

See you in Chapter 3!

Author's Response: Hi again,

I'm glad that you liked the into of this chapter. Describing scenes is also something that I'm currently working on, I do hope I manage to incorporate into my writing throughout the story. Dialogue is a main issue for me, It usually dominates most of my writing, I am practising how to convey things without speech. I try to stay away from using to many speech tags, as I feel it overpowered the scene but I understand what you mean the writing doesn't take character if you don't know what the characters are doing, (did that makes sense. I try and change muggle technology and make it more wizardy, it's hard to incorporate muggle things into Harry Potter, but sometimes ( for the sake of the story) it needs to be done. I'll do my best to make it seem more natural though.

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #12, by TidalDragon Once Upon A Time...

9th March 2014:
Howdy! I'm dropping by in response to your review request. Since some of your chapters are longer and you're almost 40,000 words in, I'm going to go ahead and leave a briefer review on each chapter as opposed to leaving everything to the last chapter that's posted.

For this chapter, I thought it was interesting how you started off with a little "story-within-the-story" to give us some of the background we needed on Daisy. A lot of time is often spent with OCs that are the main character just laying out their entire history in either a very short, blunt burst or paragraphs and paragraphs of mashed together back-story. I'm glad you didn't take either of those routes.

As far as the writing goes, one thing I noticed is that you did take the trouble to make the dialogue used by your MC and Albus reflective of their personalities. I would recommend trying to vary other characters' language more like this so that the members of the group still become more separate and distinct as the story goes on. The last thing you want is to have readers feel like important lines used by one character could just as easily have been delivered by another.

Another simple fix I noticed is just to be very careful proofreading your story. Most people will not begrudge you the occasional typo or word accidentally left undeleted, but this chapter contained several misspellings or misuses of words that could be corrected.

Last, while I'm not a big fan of judging chapters or stories by word count (since I largely ignore it myself as an author), I have noticed that your chapters look to be longer than average for a multi-chapter fic. Some of the reason for that could be that you extend conversations that do not need to be extended or make too many characters participate in a conversation simply because they are also present. An example of this is in the dare portion. You went to a lot of trouble to have a lot of characters speak when an exchange between a few would suffice. You can also save words and have more impact as a writer by not telegraphing what you're going to do. I can't link in a review, but they discuss how to avoid this in the Writer's Resources section of the forum.

The good thing with the fact that you have a lot a words though is that you aren't the type of writer who is going to omit critical details. Channel that when you edit and proofread before posting and hone in on what is really important in each chapter or scene and I think that will help you a lot.

You clearly have a vision for this story, so keep plugging away.

Author's Response: Hi thank you for the response to my request,

Thank you for the advise, I understand what you mean about the dialogue and character language, it's something I'm trying to work on and improve. I'm still trying to improve my character building, it's quite difficult to get a certain personality through without dialogue. I know about the typos, I'm currently re-reading and editing this story in hopes that I can fix all the typos and grimmer mistakes. The word count is something I have an issue with, some people dislike it when the word count is below 3,00 and other's prefer it that way. I always find myself writing more than I planned as more always comes to me as I write. I will try to keep the word count to a minimum though. I'll be sure to check the forums for the thread you mentioned.

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #13, by Rumpelstiltskin Then one with the bet.

6th March 2014:
Back for more! (Blackout; number 2/15 for square 2.)

Oh goodness, the wild thoughts of how stupid it was to kiss Albus to get him to shut up made me laugh. That was fantastic. "...what kind of idiot makes out with their enemy just to shut them up? Stupid!" I have to admit, it probably wasn't the best of ideas, but it certainly was amusing, so I'm definitely glad that it happened.

I can't stop laughing. You have some great dialogue exchanges here, and I do love dialogue. Where do I begin? Everyone's disbelief that Daisy and Al became allies against them for locking them in a closet was great, then there's the winking and the, "Stop winking at her!" --Aha, yeah, I'm dying a little.

Twilight hating &heats; thank you! Nobody likes sparkly vampires. I wonder if Harry ever saw that and wondered how the hey Cedric came back from the dead as a flamboyant, sparkling vamp. It might give him nightmares.

You've got some more nice dialogue exchanges at the end, they highly amuse me :D.

Great job again!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hey Rumpel,

Ah, famous last words. That's all I can say. I'm glad you find this funny, there is nothing better than hearing that people are enjoying your work.

Yeah, that "Stop winking at her," scene was one of my favourite to write. It was so much fun. The Twilight hating, you are actually the first to pick up on that. It was only briefly mentioned, but it was fun to write.

Thank you for the feedback,

TheGirlOnFirex


 Report Review

Review #14, by Rumpelstiltskin Once Upon A Time...

1st March 2014:
Hello dear, I am here for Blackout Bingo! :D

I loved the beginning, it was fantastic. It's a fact that if you begin something with "Once upon a time," I become exceedingly excited. So Daisy (thank goodness she has an easy to remember nickname) was given to "the evil Queen", Wizney (which is brilliant, if I may), and Albus as a nemesis. This has definite promise.

I would imagine that the Potters would be quite wealthy, given Harry sort of saved the world and was already well-off via his parents inheritance to begin with. I would also imagine that a sleepover with teenage boys would include horror and action movies, but that's what my sleepover movies included too, so.

Truth or dare...that's just asking for trouble. I love how she attempt to get out of being in the closet with Albus. That really made me laugh.

The evil plan to become friends with her nemesis also made me laugh. Gosh, this is so funny and silly and just really fantastic, I'm glad I decided to read it. She kisses him?...to get him to shut up. Whoa boy.

This was awesome, I'm going to add it to my list so that I can continue to read it when I get more time.

I have a little dialogue-tag relation CC for you, if you'd like it. When the spoken sentence ends with a period before a tag, then said period should be replaced with a comma. Otherwise (as with an exclamation point, question mark, dash, etc.), you're doing it right :D. If there is no tag and the sentence is ending in a period, then use a period. Er, here are some examples if that isn't clear.

This is what you're doing with the tags:
"Speech speech." said character A.
It should read, "Speech speech," said character A.

You have the others (with question marks and exclamations) correct:
"Speech?" asked character B.
"Speech, speech speech!" shouted character C.

However, when there is not tag, then use the period.

"Speech speech." Character A did some action. "Speech," character A said.

Hopefully that was helpful!

Great job again!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hello, good luck with the bingo.

Thank you for the review. Any CC is very much appreciated. I am working with my beta to get rid of the dialogue errors and other grammatical errors.

I'm glad you enjoyed the start. It took many different drafts to get the one I have now. Wizney, that makeys me smile too.

What sleepover is complete without a horror movie. Those are the most fun. Truth or dare = trouble. That should be it's unofficial slogan. I had fun writing those scenes.

Daisy isn't the smartest of people when it comes to high pressured situations. I'm really glad you enjoyed reading this and I hope you enjoy reading the rest of his tale.

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #15, by CambAngst Once Upon A Time...

1st March 2014:
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room!

I want to get the constructive criticism out of the way first, because judging from the other reviews on this chapter you've seen most of it already. This chapter needs quite a bit of editing. Grammar, punctuation, and typos are all issues that disrupted the flow of the story. Some people can read right past that sort of thing, but for me it tends to knock me out of the narrative flow. It's a shame, because you have a pretty good premise here. If you cleaned up the little things, my guess would be that you'd have a lot more luck pulling readers into the story.

I really liked the way you started the story. Recasting the events as a fairytale beginning was clever and it made a really nice contrast to the character that Daisy turns out to be. Or maybe Daisy's "inner narration" of her life really does go like a romantic fairytale. That would actually be neat, I think. I also like how the allusions to abuse in the opening section tie into what Albus discovers at the end.

For my taste, I wish you'd worked a little more of the back story into the dialog rather than having Daisy's "narrator voice" tell us about the Potters, their posh life and how she came to fit into it. That said, it all makes sense. They seem like a very normal -- albeit magical -- group of teenagers doing normal teenage things. I was a little surprised that Harry and/or Ginny never appear in the chapter. They don't seem like the sort of parents who would leave a group of teenagers completely to their own devices.

Not a lot obviously as we've got school tomorrow and turning up hangover isn't the best idea ever. -- This struck me as kind of odd. So they've left Hogwarts during the school year to have a sleepover at the Potters' house? For me, I think it would make more sense if this was set during summer vacation.

The fact that the entire group of friends, except for Albus and Daisy, believe that Albus and Daisy belong together is something that, again, I think would have been better explained through the other characters' dialog. That said, it definitely creates an interesting dynamic. I think a little more elaboration would have helped. Why do the others think this? What is the history between Albus and Daisy?

I had some trouble following the devious plot that Albus and Daisy concoct in the closet. Who is supposed to be the victim of this grand, amazing prank?

Lastly, there's the bruise on Daisy's arm. I'll be completely blunt here. Without that one moment, I probably never would have given a second thought to this story. With that moment, I felt an instant connection to your main character. I wanted to know who did this to her and why. I really hope you're able to explore not only Daisy's troubles but also how she tries to hide them and ultimately how they bring her closer to her friends.

Not a bad job for a first chapter. My heartfelt suggestion is edit, edit, edit!

Author's Response: Hello,

Yeah I've had a lot of comments about the grammer and the typos. I've gone over it myself but some have always slipped through. I've now got a beta to go over my chapters and hopefully they'll be gone soon.

The start is supposed to be like the beginning of a fairytale whrich is always told from the perspective of a narrator. But that isn't Daisy's complete story. The rest of her past comes out in later chapters. This ties in with the abuse. The story of that links into her past which like I said will be revealed in to future.

I'm sorry if it was confusing but they are in their summer holiday just the end of it. It's probably my fault that you didn't get that. I'm happy you thought it was okay. And thank you for your CC

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #16, by maraudertimes Once Upon A Time...

8th February 2014:
Hi! Gryffie tag!

So I really like how this doesn't start like a normal fairy tale (quite like your title suggests). Your premise is really good and I think the plot develops nicely.

There are things I'm a bit concerned about, though.

After dialogue tags, unless it's a full sentence stop, the next letter shouldn't be capitalized. Ex: "I love you," she said. And when it's not a full stop, it should be a comma and not a period.

Also, you have quite a few typos and other grammar mistakes. Your semi-colon use is a bit scattered and several times you repeat things. Perhaps you should think of getting a Beta.

Last CC: Theodosia is starting to seem like a Mary Sue. She has quite an exotic name, but the thing that really gives off the Mary Sue vibe is that she's apparently the only girl in her year that hasn't dated Albus Potter - other than Albus's cousins of course. Even though Al is good-looking, it seems very improbable that no one else but Theodosia would reject him.

Other than that, I think the premise of the story is very good. The prank idea is quite funny, but I think the 'Albus and Theodosia getting stuck in a closet' is utterly hilarious. I approve of their friends' decision though - that sort of thing should happen more often. ;)

I hope I wasn't too harsh, as I quite liked the plot and idea of this story. There are just a few areas to polish up (not change, just polish) and they're easy fixes, and I'm confident that you can fix those and continue on, because I think you can go far with this story.

Good job!
Lo:)

Author's Response: Hey, (apologise for not replying sooner)
*looks at feet*

Thanks for the feedback. I realise that there are a lot of grammatical errors. I've been lookin for a beta and I've just found one. *cheers*

Theodosia 'Daisy' is named after her grandmother that's where the name comes from. As for the rejecting Albus thing she only rejects him because of the mutual hatred. She is attracted to him (as shown in the other chapters).

Thank you for the feedback honestly, this does more good than harm and you weren't to harsh. Sometimes negative criticism is required and I get that. I'm glad you took the time to tell me what was wrong rather than just say 'that's wrong'.

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFire :)


 Report Review

Review #17, by PB That just happened.

6th February 2014:
I LOVE THIS, CAN YOU UPDATE LIKE NOW. PLEASE, I NEED THIS. ITS LIKE MY HORMONAL SUGAR DOP.
LOVE YA.

Author's Response: Aww thank you. I'm looking to update soon. (hopefully) the next ones a big 'un so hopefully that makes up for the wait.

Thank you for reading,

TheGirlOnFire :)


 Report Review

Review #18, by newgenerationlover That just happened.

2nd February 2014:
Love it, please update!!

Author's Response: Thank you. There's an update coming soon.
Keep reading and enjoy. :D

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #19, by queenwombat That just happened.

20th January 2014:
OMG thank you sooo much for updating!!! Great chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you and your welcome. I'm happy too see that you are enjoyingy story. Keep reading and enjoying.

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #20, by Shay_Gryff That just happened.

18th January 2014:
Hello! I still really enjoy this story. I think once you get going a little more it will be really great. However there are some missing words and major typos that detract from the story. I would recommend getting a beta or having someone else look over it before you post the chapter.

UPDATE SOON!
Shay_Gryff

Author's Response: Hello, thanks for the review. I'm currently on the searchoice for a beta and I'm trying to work through all the typos. For some reason they always see
To slip through. I'm glad you're enjoying the story. Keep reading,

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #21, by Navera The One With The Question

27th December 2013:
Okay, so I am really enjoying this story! This is a fun plot line that I never find boring! I really like how you are progressing the story. I feel like i'm really getting to know your characters (even though this is just the beginning).

I love the confrontation between Al and Daisy, it gives them a reason to hate each other to cover up how much they are really attracted to each other (at least that is the way I see it!)

I had two favorite parts in this chapter: The part where Al asks Daisy to "fake date" and then the part where she tells him that she hates him and seeing the hurt look run across his face. I liked that last bit because we know he actually really, really likes her from what we saw last chapter when he got jealous when she was dancing on the table and in the way he took care of her after getting her smashed.

I only have one thing that I have seen that needs to be addressed in your writing. Let me first say this, I like your style of writing. I enjoy humor. That said, in ever chapter so far I have noticed little word mistakes. Example from this chapter "I made my way to the door very lowly" from up near the beginning. I understand typos (trust me I make them all the time), so I would just recommend going back and reading it through several times before submitting (I also understand that it is hard and time consuming). So hopefully that wasn't too harsh, I don't want to be mean or anything. I just really like your story and want it to be better and a little bit easier to read. Sometimes I'm having to guess what a word is supposed to be when the incorrect word is there (Example from this chapter: "Why bit ask someone who'd actually want to date you for real?")

Anyway, little spelling/word errors aside, I'm going to keep reading because I like the story so far!

Thank you so much for sharing!

Author's Response: Hello thanks for the review. Discourse there is some underlying tension between Albus and Daisy. There is a lot of attraction there and hopefully the relationship will begin to move along in the next few chapters.

As for the grammar/ spelling errors that's just the story of my life. Currently I'm searching for a beta and editing my previous chapters. Hopefully I can get all of the mistakes down soon.

Thanks again. Keep reading and enjoy the rest of it. ;)

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #22, by ihate coming up with usernames The One With The Question

5th December 2013:
I love it. (In the liv from liv and maddie on Disney voice) Love-ee it. Wonderful. She has a lot of misfit, a touch of caring, and a touch of evil. Love it.

Author's Response: Thank you I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far.

TheGirlOnFirecx


 Report Review

Review #23, by LittleMissStoryteller The One With The Question

4th December 2013:
Omfg!! I need more!! This is so bloody good! I can't wait till you update! Just one little thing, sometimes you write a word that doesn't fit in with the actual sentence and it really confused me, so is it possible for you to fix it?? Thanks Hun! OMFG! I ACTUALLY CAN'T WAIT TILL THE UPDATE! I BLOODY LOVE YOU, MY SWEET!!! xxx

Author's Response: Aww thank you this honestly made my day. I'm glad you're enjoying it so much. Hopefully you'll continue to enjoy it in the future. I'm currently re reading and editing the previous chapters to get rid of anu mistakes that slip through. So yeah I can fix it. :D

Thanks again. Keep reading and enjoy.

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #24, by Shay_Gryff The One With The Question

22nd October 2013:
Still lovely!

KEEP WRITING :D
Shay_Gryff

Author's Response: Thank you,
Keep reading. :)

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review

Review #25, by Lilyandthepotters The one that came next

22nd October 2013:
I love the idea of McGonagall making them do therapy. That was hilarious. you are an amazing writer.

Author's Response: Thank you, that was funn to write.
Keep reading and enjoying. :)

TheGirlOnFirexx


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>