At least she won't get fired now! This was a lovely chapter. I really loved how real your writing is here. When Luna was worrying about 'shouldn't have eaten that cake last night' and her thoughts when she was hanging from the tree; the way you wrote it was unemblished and very believable.
Oh, and in regaurds to the previous chapter's note, I think the chapter length is up to you. I personally like really long chapters, but that's just my opinion. The length you have now works as long as you are alright with it. :)
the nargles sound way too adorable. I'm just glad she won't lose her job, and Rolf as well. I had it completely wrong, I was thinking they weren't going to be nargles and the pair would run off together :p I shouldn't doubt Luna! Great chapter! I really liked at the end how she wasn't concerned about the news articles, just proud of herself. Great work!
(moonyxluna, hufflepuff)Author's Response: I'm sorry for not responding before now!
Thank you! I'm glad you like it so much. And run off together...that would be great ;) I'm not so sure they know each other well enough at the moment to do anything like that though. Again, thank you for the review!
oh wow, so Luna's job really depends on finding the Nargles. I hope she's right! And Rolf as well; this was a really great plot set up :)
I liked the bit of background on Rolf being raised by his grandfather, and I thought it was really sweet how fast Luna fell for him. Again I love the way you write her as a normal person with quirks vrs the overly strange personallity people often pin to her. Great chapter! I'm looking forward to reading more!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you like it! And the history with Rolf and his granddad :) So, you don't think the chapters are to short, do you?
I'm glad you like my interpretation of Luna. I mean, she seems really weird through Harry's eyes, but that's Harry. She's got to be normal...so thank you :) That's a huge compliment. I really worry about her character.
Thank you so much! I'm going to try and have an update every weekend when at all possible, so you know when to look. Again, thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
Ooh yay! I wasn't sure about the start of the chapter because I thought Luna was going to be all alone...however I think the very last sentence definitely made up for it!
Though this was a very short chapter it was a great introduction to the characters! I shall read the next chapter as soon as I can. Apologies for the short review.
I didn't spot any grammatical or spelling errors either just so you know =]Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it :) Report Review
I love Rolf already (: His personallity is exactly how I always pictured, he's so wonderful to her already. Luna's characterization was fantastic.. I loved how she simply shut down Hermione trying to disprove her findings. It really accented the tension that JKR wrote for the two girls; it was great to see :)
The part where he agreed they were nargle eggs... my heart just melted. I love this so much already, I can't wait to read more. Great work, as always!Author's Response: You like my Rolf :) Yay! That makes me.happy. I didn't want him to be just like Luna, orher total opposite either. With Luna and Hermione, I see them as friends,.but at odds with a lot of things. So I'm glad.that was good.as well. And Rolf is a very its-true-until-proven-otherwise type person. Thank you, and I'm glad.you like it so much! Report Review
Oh my god. You are seriously my hero at fanfiction. Every single one of your stories is one of my favorite ships, and now I get to read a Luna/Rolf by you!? Seriously, this just made my day.
God I sound like some sort of crazy person. I just love your writing.
Ok.. anyways.. an actual review! :)
I loved the way you wrote Luna. So many times I read her personallity go overboard-humorous-strange, but I think you captured her intellect and pasion so well here. I always love to see her written well, and this was just wonderful. Even in the small amount of words I just loved this beginning so much; brilliant work :)Author's Response: With Luna, I think I'm working on haveing the level of strangeness she had in Hogwarts tone down.as the.story goes and she grows up. But slowly, so it isnt like...she wasnt like that! So I'm glad she wasnt overly strange.
Thank you for the review! I'm really glad you like.it.and my writing so much! Report Review
This was a pithy, effective first chapter. You have a few minor typos. You might want to consider submitting this story to a beta reader, so they can fix the few mistakes that are present. Good job!Author's Response: Thanks! Glad you like it! Report Review
Cute! Any idea when chapter 3 is up?!Author's Response: It'll be up as soon as I write it :) I have a lot.of RL stuff right now, but hopefully soon. Report Review
Potentially a good story. It lacks substance and descriptiveness; it narrates what happens and what they say but some sentences describing the environment and their feelings would give it more life.
"I'm done, Luna, I can't do this." ... He Disapparated. Erm... wow. Like abrupt. After months of working together? I'd expect that if they had just had a furious row but there is no clue to his feelings so we assume he's not particular bothered about the eggs. Yet he quits without a goodbye? Doesn't even pack his bags?
The solution to that sort of thing doesn't need a page of description but just a sentence or two, eg,
'Luna could see the annoyance which had been simmering in him for weeks coming to the boil. He slammed his book down on the table. "I'm done, Luna, I can't do this anymore!" Luna became aware his bag was already packed and lay on a chair in the corner. He grabbed it angrily then disapparated without another word.'
You see all I've done is add a tiny bit of extra description but it brings the scene to life more I think. Hope that helps anyway.
More thought needs to be given to how another person reads your work. Not easy perhaps. Read it through and think how it sounds to others. Some examples:
The word 'partner' is over-used and out of context is ambiguous. I thought you were talking about a romantic, live-in partner for quite a while. And this is puzzling to me: "she wasn't sure he would be able to leave their partnership that easy, since he was the only person who hadn't been her partner." What does that mean? How can he leave their partnership if he's not a partner?
The waitress asks her name? This just doesn't happen. Waitresses just don't ask people for their name without any reason. It jolts the reader. At least add, 'Luna was startled by the woman's familiarity but Rolf quickly explained etc. etc...' (I'd like to hear that explanation myself.)
"That's a great name," the waitress said. "I'm naming my daughter that." Does this mean she's just seen Luna and spontaneously decided she'll name her daughter 'Luna'! Or does it mean she'd already decided and it's an amazing coincidence? Neither are believable to me and will it even be relevant in the story? The only way it would work for me is if it were, eg,
"Oh! You're Luna Lovegood!" squealed the waitress in delight, suddenly realizing who Luna must be. "I'm a big fan of yours! I'm even naming my baby after you!"
You see, you can do these things but you need to explain to the reader. The example also makes it relevant to the story because it tells/reminds the reader that Luna is famous after the Battle of Hogwarts. She's probably got the Order of Merlin. She's a freedom fighter - a war hero. Hell, now even the reader wants to have a baby so they can name it after her. You see? Give some substance and power to the cold facts. Make the reader believe.
Hope you don't mind this feedback and thanks for this story.Author's Response: 1. I'm really sorry this has taken me so long to answer.
2. The reply:
First, I'd like to say thank you so much for the review. I love CC and anyone who gives it. :D
On this part:
""I'm done, Luna, I can't do this." ... He Disapparated. Erm... wow. Like abrupt. After months of working together? I'd expect that if they had just had a furious row but there is no clue to his feelings so we assume he's not particular bothered about the eggs. Yet he quits without a goodbye? Doesn't even pack his bags?
That's actually what I wanted. It was just a sudden split second thing where he decided he just couldn't be Luna's partner anymore. (Although I still need to put in more description with it, because they are actually standing in a field...). Description has never been a strength of mine though, and it is something I work on improving, so thank you for showing me the examples you did, they'll help a lot in the future.
After reading over the chapter, I can see what you mean by partner, I'll try and use other words as well. I suppose I should have started it off with co-worker or something. I'll watch for that in future chapters.
The waitress asked her name only because she was with Rolf, who has sort of turned into a friend and so she was interested in who he's there with. I can see what you mean on the name thing, and I had intended for it to just be a happy coincidence, but I'll go back and change it when I edit the chapter.
Thank you for the amazing help! I really to love it when I get random reviews like this, which next to never happens. I think for the most part, people on here would love to improve, but that'll never happen if people don't tell them what they are doing wrong like you've done for me. So thank you for the review, and I'm glad you liked the story. And hopefully you'll see improvement if you keep reading the story.
Hello deary! Ooh I love me a good Luna/Rolf story! :D I haven't read one in a really long time, and I feel they are a really under appreciated pairing! :/
I had wanted to read this, but am now just getting to it! It's a thank you for the post in my MTA ;) (Nobody's ever posted anything before haha!)
Anyway, I like the fact that you make Luna true to her nature and that she still believes that all these weird creatures exist, but that she's also grown up some and realized that they all don't. I also really liked the vampires mentioning, tee hee ;) I wonder why!
I'm excited for more of this to come! It was short, but sweet and well-written! :) Adding to favorites now!
~VioletBladeAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it :) It's new for me, as I've never really tried to write a good Luna :P
I wonder why you liked the vampire reference...hmm, a mystery we'll never solve...
~Lily Report Review
This is a lovely prologue, short but effective :) I think you keep Luna in character well, and it's a great premise for a new story.
Just a couple of errors I spotted:
We're fable's too - should be "fables"
I'm Rolf Schmander - should be "Scamander".
MarinaAuthor's Response: I'm glad you think it's good :) I'll fix those mistakes soon, thanks for pointing them out :) And thanks for the review!
~Lily Report Review
Interesting! I love how Luna is always insistant on her personality and beliefs...she makes for such a fun and unique character that you can do almost anything with. I can't wait to see where this goes and what type of character Rolf turns out to be. Keep up the good work; I look forward to reading more! =)Author's Response: Thanks :) I'm glad you like it :) I hope you like Rolf :P
~Lily Report Review
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