Hi there, again so sorry for the delay, but here I am with your review!
Okay, here goes. I absolutely loved your opening paragraph. I thought it was brilliant, the idea of the train as a red ribbon slinking around the landscape, that was just brilliant, so vivid and clear. Great stuff.
I thought the fight between Sirius and Regulus was really great. You see Sirius, the concerned older brother, but also the slightly hot-headed guy we know he is. He reacts to thinks without thinking and has trouble controlling his temper. Everything was great there. Lily giving them detention and asking for their help in cleaning up. I am so glad you had her help clean up too, not just order Sirius and Regulus to do it, you know? That's her character all over. She does not think herself superior to Sirius and Reg because she is a Prefect (though she does disapprove of their behaviour). Then James and Remus coming to find Sirius and Reg calling Lily a you know what and James's reaction was just pure James. Then I loved that it was Remus who explained everything to Peter while "James and Sirius simply ignored the entire conversation." - that was such a great line, because it conveyed so much information, how they are both angry and stubborn. Very well written there I must say.
Just one thing that was sort of off a little bit was Dumbledore saying so early on that he wants to use Sirius as a spy if he joins the Order when he leaves school. It is a bit too early for Dumbledore to be voicing intentions like that... I think anyway, but I could be wrong, it's just me here and my gut feeling, you know?
Anyway, I loved how you had Sirius wanting to go down to Hogsmeade and spy on Reg at the meeting with the Death Eaters, that is so typically him. He is going no matter what, no matter how dangerous it is or not, he will use the cloak or his Animagus form.
I also loved the ending, where you expressed Reg's pride at finally joining the Death Eaters and the small tear running down his cheek - that was such a great imagine and the perfect way to end this chapter.
I can't wait for more now. Have you got chapter 5 written yet or are you still working on it? You will have to let me know when it is up. I do hope this review is helpful, I tried my best to make it as good as I could.
Oh yeah, I just spotted a few typos:
"Regulus sat in alone in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express" - I don't think the first "in" should be there. Should be "Regulus sat alone in etc."
"Your [You're?] not still thinking about all this Pureblood mania are you?” He questioned.
But they are only minor things really. Also, I have a suggestion too, could you use line breakers or those three stars to indicate when you are changing POVs? It just gets a bit confusing with the large gaps between sections of the text and I have to pause for a moment and think for a moment, because the POV suddenly changed, so if you could use those three stars or a line break that would make things a little easier. It's a very tiny thing that really does not matter overall at all, but I just thought I would suggest it, just in case you thought it was a good idea and you don't have to listen to me at all if you don't want to.
Anyway, a really great chapter, looking forward to the rest now. Good job.
TLM Report Review
So sorry it took me so long to get to chapter three. Things are just absolutely mental at the minute in school, and I wanted to make sure I had enough time to devote to this and do the best review I possibly can.
Anyway, to business, I really liked how you had James race Sirius to the bathroom and how Sirius swore when he lost. It was just something small, but it just captured their characters so well. Great job on that.
I do have one thing I want to point out though, when the boys are talking to Mr Potter, it is the first time the reader meets Mr Potter, but you haven't told us what he looks like. I think a bit of description there would really help the story come alive, because he is just this faceless being speaking to the boys at the moment, so a bit of detail would be a good addition.
I loved the idea of James and Sirius sneaking off and of Sirius's frustration of not being able to follow the Death Eaters further and James pulls the cloak out, it's just so brilliant and so James, I really loved that bit.
I loved the fight scene - I think you captured that very well, it was really well written. The only problem I can see is the fact that Voldemort and the Death Eaters are meeting in Knockturn Alley, I don't know, it doesn't seem to fit really, because they are meeting in broad daylight in a crowded place and Knockturn alley has the reputation for being a place associated with the Dark Arts, so I am think that the Aurors would be watching the place very closely, and the idea of Voldemort and the Death Eaters meeting there just seems a bit unlikely, to me anyway, and I could be completely wrong and feel free to disagree here. All that said, I think you wrote that part of the story wonderfully and I really enjoyed it, it was just that little issue was nagging at the back of my mind as I read.
I really loved the conversation between James and SIrius and Mr Potter where they discuss what happened later on. That seemed spot on to me. And I loved when the other Marauders arrive and you have Remus feeling uneasy when Sirius mentioned that Regulus called his friends filth - you still have his fear of losing his friends there and I think that came across so well. It was just something small you added in, but it worked so well.
I just spotted a few typos:
"as they were done with there [their?] shopping" - you want the possessive pronoun here.
"Their [They are/They're] alright Albus,"
Also, just in general, is there any way you could fix the spacing in the story? It just gets a bit annoying having to scroll so much while reading. This isn't a problem at all and it is only something tiny and it really has nothing to do with your writing at all.
Anyway, I really did enjoy this chapter and I think you capture James and Sirius so well and your writing is great, it really drew me in, the stuff I point out are only minor things really and you do not have to listen to me at all, it is just my opinion.
Anyway, I am really looking forward to chapter four now, I want to know what Dumbledore wants them for! I will read it as soon as I can, I promise!
Thanks so much for your review, I will also reply to that as soon as I can, I just want to make sure I have enough time set aside to do a really good and well-thought out response! Thanks so much again, and well done on this story, I am really enjoying it and can't wait for more!
:-) Report Review
Hi there again! Sorry for the delay, things just got a little mental over the weekend.
I loved this chapter, I thought it was great you gave a real insight into Regulus's conflicted emotions and portrayed that very well. I loved this line particularly, it was brilliant: "Even though they didn't see eye to eye, they were still brothers nonetheless. Sirius had been a senseless idiot at times, but having him around meant that it took the pressure off Regulus to be perfect." - that was such a great line, because even though Regulus is mad at Sirius you still see elements of that brotherly relationship that Regulus won't openly admit. He likes Sirius, deep down, but comments like the one above is as close as he will get to voicing such feelings.
I really liked the end where the two boys have dreams and Regulus's leads him to smash up Sirius's room, and Sirius's leaves him with a terrible pain in his heart that he cannot explain. (oh yeah, James falling back asleep instead of going on a walk to talk to Sirius is spot on characterisation, just perfect!)
The only problem I could spot was with this line: "we would love nothing more than to join in his ranks." - yeah, it was just the word "love". I am not sure that it fits here, just death eaters using that word doesn't seem likely, especially because Voldemort does not see any value in it and despises it in a way. Maybe say something like "nothing would give us greater pleasure than joining his ranks" - something like that maybe?
Anyway, I really like this chapter, it's very good, keep it up, looking forward to reading chapter three now, I'm really interested to see where you go with this! :)Author's Response: Again, I have taken time to think about how I want to respond to your wonderful reviews! I always try to make sure that I cover every point brought up and sometimes an immediate response doesn't happen right away.
I am super happy to hear that you liked Regulus's string of conflict. You hit the nail right on the head when you say that he likes Sirius, but won't verbally admit it to anyone and not to mention that he has a hard enough time admitting it to himself. He strives to be different from his brother, but it sort of feels like that he wants so much to be able to look up to him. It's that classic love/hate relationship.
I am glad that the dreams between the two boys worked. I wanted to really show their differences, but show how they were connected at the same time. Hahahaha James! I loved writing that because it is totally something that he would do. Whenever I think of him I always think of Severus saying that James was lazy. Not in a bad way, but a litterally I don't have to be anywhere so why do I have to be up early kind of way. :)
You know...I have never even thought of that being off like that. Now that you mention it I couldn't see Lucius saying Love. Hahaha!! It doesn't fit at all and I will have to change that!
Again, Thank you for all of your awesome feedback and terrific reviews! I look forward to seeing what else you think about the next two chapters.
-SR17 Report Review
Okay, I've read this about three times now, so I think I've got a good enough feel of it to give the best review I can.
I like how you capture Sirius and Regulus in this story, the fight seemed something that two different brothers would do. I really loved this line that Regulus said: "You’ll find out soon enough that choices make a difference in this world Sirius. Not flying off at the moments when you’re mad" - that is just such a brilliant line!
Okay, I've tried to come up with CCs for you. Just when Mr Black says "Where do you think you're going", Sirius replies with: "Anywhere is better than here." But that does not really make sense because it's not responding to the question posed. He should say something like "I don't know, but anywhere is better than here".
Also, this does not really make sense to me, these two lines: "With Orion upstairs still trying to comfort a distraught Walburga, Sirius looked at Regulus." and "Regulus ran up the stairs to a now bawling mother." - Why is Walburga distraught and bawling? I don't really understand why, because she is giving Sirius all this verbal abuse and it just does not add up why she would be distraught, I think you need to explain that a little bit more. I know Kreacher says that Sirius's departure broke his mother's heart, but it doesn't really add up in this scene if that makes sense.
Also, when Sirius arrives at the Potters, I don't know, I just think if he is going to tell someone what happened, it would be James, he wouldn't just tell all to Mrs Potter on the doorstep. He'd say something like "Is James around?" and Mrs Potter would ask if he is alright, but he wouldn't answer. I think he would tell James first, then James would tell his parents, if that makes sense. Then again, it could just be me here.
All that said, I think the conversation between James and Sirius at the end was really nice, it really made the piece because you capture the reasons why we love the two characters, they are just a bunch of fun-loving trouble-makers.
Oh yeah, I spotted one typo:
"She called out ss [as?] she climbed the stairs to look into the face of her son."
Anyway, this is really shaping up to be a really good story. I love the idea of exploring Sirius's and Regulus's relationship, it's something I never thought about before, and it sounds very interesting. I am really looking forward to the rest of it!
I'll review the next chapter either tomorrow or Sunday! Really looking forward to it! :-)Author's Response: Hi there!
So I have been thinking a lot about this review and how/what I wanted to say when I responded to it. I would rather it be a thoughtful one since you took time out to read and review it to give your feedback and help with this story.
That line I loved too! I thought it fitted Sirius so well and for Regulus to pick up on it and point out Sirius's flaws works with the overall character display going on here.
Ah yes...the very dreaded Orion Black... hahaha :) I will have to change that line to because you're right Sirius isn't answering the question asked he is just speaking and it doesn't seem to flow as well as it could.
I am glad that you pointed out the flaw with Walburga. I have always felt that something was off with her character wise here and I think you really did a great job bringing that to the forefront of my mind and what I have to change.
I already have a couple of changes that I am going to make to those lines you pointed out. Those were very helpful!
That is a good observation that you pointed out about Sirius and who he tells first. I think you're right that he would tell James and then James would relay what he learned to his parents. I will have to change that around a bit.
I am really excited that you like the way the relationship between Sirius and James is shown.
Darn it! Yes, that is a magnificant typo! :)
I am glad that you like the story so far and the story line/idea. I really like exploring where and what the minds of Sirius and Regulus could take a story and when you put the two together, it really shapes up to be quite a journey. I really appreciate the wonderful, very helpful review! I really want to finish this story and I adore the motivation that your reviews have given me to trudge onwards with it.
Thank you so much again and I look forward to all of your wonderful reviews!!!
-SR17 Report Review
Hi, I'm here from tag.
Your characterisation of Sirius is spot on, and I like all the little things that totally could have happened: a relative (I assume) of Seamus' being this story's version of Stan Shunpike, and the constant repetition of the word 'pureblood'. I don't know if that last one was intentional or not, but it definitely made me see why Grimmauld Place could be so overwhelming.
I've a couple of critiques, nothing too big:
a) Orion and Walburga speak fairly informally for someone of their social status, and it's a bit odd.
b) The giant spaces in between paragraphs are a little jarring.
Apart from that, though, well done. I do have a soft spot for Regulus. :)Author's Response: Hi there!
Thank you for reading and reviewing. I am glad that you like the way I portray Sirius and all the details. Yep, a distant relative and it was intentional. I wanted you to be able to see how Sirius felt. I'm glad that it worked. =)
I plan on fixing those spaces. This was written before I knew how to work with the spacing. I think the reason why I made them so informal is because they were angry and had too many emotions to know how to speak formally when they were mad.
Yay!! A fellow Regulus fan!! He is my favorite! =)
-SR17 Report Review
I really like this! You have to update soon!Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! I'm glad that you like it. I will be updating sometime soon! =)
-SR17 Report Review
Adding to favorites...
I love you portray them it's wonderful. The characterization and effort you've put into it is absolutely delightful.
Your flow is wonderful, and I love it. It's beautifully done.
I think you did an amazing take on the whole Sirius and his pureblood issue. I'm sad Sirius didn't originally just be a noble,Slytherin pureblood. It's such a waste,but that's just my snottyness kicking in(;
You did a good job, and I'm immediately liking Sirius(; haha!
I really like how James was close to driving his mom insane, and then they were going to join up and officially drive her off the edge. I love it, it's just how I imagined them.
You've done brilliant,and while I don't see any grammar,spelling,or wording issues, if you'd like a beta,let me know(: I love betaing stories that I love because I get to read it a few days earlier;D
EverAuthor's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
I am happy to know that my grammar, spelling and wording issues are better this time around with this story. I was a bit worried about how this story would be perceived, but I am glad to know that it flowed well despite the meaness of the chapter.
It is disappointing that Sirius didn't follow the grain, but I don't think he would have made for as interesting of a character if he hadn't. James and Sirius are a combination of crazy. I thought of Dear Old Mrs. Potter as one of those parents who can't wait until summer vacations are over and their kids go back to school. Add Sirius on top and the pranking ensues. =)
Thank you for the positive feed back. I greatly appreciate it. I also PMed you about Beta-ing. =)
-SR17 Report Review
I loved this chapter. I think that it was very well done. It's nice to see the interactions on Sirius and James. I think that they work very well together, and I think that you did them really great.
There were a few formatting issues in there that would have made the chapter a little bit easier to read, but overall I think this was a great chapter and I really enjoyed reading it!Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I am glad that you liked this chapter. It was really fun to write. I really enjoy writing Sirius and James so it makes me quite happy to know that I made them fit well together.
I had a tough time with the formatting of this chapter because of the spacing issue when you post a chapter. It made me very upset because I knew it wouldn't look as good as I wanted it to.
Again, Thank you for Reading and Reviewing. It is greatly appreciated. Report Review
I think it would be very hard to be a family when things were being torn apart, and people were having to chose different sides. I think that you are doing the emotions very well here. I think that you are doing a great job having both Sirius and Regulus as characters.
I love how you did, and are doing this. I think having them both in the story is a great idea. With the two of them you get a story that is more full.
Love very much how you did this!Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. This chapter was by far my favorite one to write because you get to see the differences in characters yet see how much they are both alike.
I am glad to know that I am expressing Sirius and Regulus together well. I was worried that it would come across poorly, but I felt like by balancing the pair it would give the story substance.
I am glad that you enjoyed this chapter and again thank you for reading and reviewing.
I don't think that I have ever read a chapter about when Sirius left home. I think this was done very nice. I can just imagine Sirius standing there having to listen to their wonderful stuff.
I can't wait to see what is in store. I love reading this era, and I think that this is going to shape up to be a great story. You have given a little bit, and then left some to be given at a later time, which really brings me back :)Author's Response: I really enjoyed writing about Sirius leaving home. It felt like the best way to start the story. I don't know if I could have kept my temper in check as well as he did.
I am really glad to hear that you like this story. Its been my brain child for a few weeks now and I really enjoy how the characters are playing out.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. Words cannot express how grateful I am to know that you took time in your day to read this and that you like my story. =) Report Review
Great chapter :) I loved all the action with the Voldemort in Knockturn Alley scene, especially the inclusion of the Prewett brothers. I think it was very well written, and I was glad to see some Lupin :) Even for the brief moment he was mentioned I liked what you did with his character. He's my favorite, so I always like to see him(: )
I'm going to take a guess that Dumbledore wants to see the four boys when they get back to school about joining the Order of the Phoenix?
Even from the first chapter to here, I can see a huge improvement with the little punctuation stuff, so great job on that. Like I said before though, I really like think taking one extra readthrough of your work before you post it helps loads :)
I hope these reviews helped at least a little! You have a lovely start here to this story, so keep it up! I'll be looking for updates for sure :)Author's Response: I figured I would have to include something with Voldemort in it considering the Era of the story. I plan on including a lot more Lupin throughout the story as he is a key player in Sirius's life. =)
Your guess is spot on. I wanted a chaos situation to tie the boys together with the Order + pull at Dumbledore's interest with James's cloak.
Your reviews have helped me a lot with not only helping me think of what can be changed when I write/edit before posting, but build my confidence that the story is displaying in words as I see it in my mind.
Thank you so much for reviewing my story and it's chapters! =) Report Review
I enjoyed this chapter. I think the detail you put into Regulus' thoughts of how he and Sirius had grown apart over the years was lovely. I could already get a sense of Regulus being unsure of joining the Death Eaters within this chapter.. great job on throwing in little bits of that.
Oh the christmas! and the wedding.. I felt so bad for Sirius. Although the part about him purpously bringing up Andromena just to annoy Bellatrix was fantastic; I think it honed in on Sirius' rebellious side.. completely wonderful.
Awesome, totally awesome how Sirius could feel the burning from his mum burning him off the family tree. That's a brilliant idea!! Seriously, (siriusly :p) kudos. I loved it :)Author's Response: This was my favorite chapter to write. I am glad that you enjoyed it and I was able to make you feel for Sirius and Regulus struggling with his thoughts. =) Report Review
I really enjoyed this start. I think you caputred Sirius and Regulus so well. Knowing that 'Sirius running away' is a canon part, I loved how you interpreted the leading up to it.
I did notice a few punctuation and spelling things, and I'd suggest doing one final readthrough before posting. What I personally like to do, is go through and slowly read my chapters one sentance at a time. (which I know can be hard to go slow because you know what you are reading, because you obviously wrote it; just bare with me :p) Most of the spelling and punctuation mistakes I noticed were things like "the" instead of "then" and other things that Spellcheck wouldn't catch. If take the time to go through and give your story a thorough readthrough before you post it, it helps loads :) Otherwise take a look at the Beta section on the forums, and you could find someone to go through and edit stuff like that for you.
I thought the pace/flow of this worked brilliantly. I liked how it started the action of the fight right away, and I really got a fantastic sense of his feelings. I loved your characterizations of each of the characters, I think they stayed very true to canon.
I thought it was completely adorable how nice Mrs. Potter was to Sirius. And then he wants to go prank her anyway! shame on you Sirius Black! :p oooh, I wonder who the certian red-head could be :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing. I can see what you mean about taking a bit of time to slowly reread through each sentence and make sure everything is in order before posting would help. I really appreciate your insight to what things I could improve on and what is liked. It helps me a lot. =) Report Review
Great story :))) i love the bond between these two characters and would love to read more. :DAuthor's Response: I am so glad that you like it. I am in the process of writing chapter three and should have it done soon. I Always thought that there was more that met the eye with these two. =) Report Review
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