Poor Hugo... He's so tortured!
The mysterious event that got him to Bright Minds and Quiet Souls intrigues me... I'd like to know what it is!!
In the future, are you going to establish his age/year at Hogwarts?
I would like to think that he's a teenager, but he could be younger instead.
:)Author's Response: Another review! You're super great!
Yes, I am planning this to take place during the summer, so I will make refrence to his year, and yes he is a teenager. I just wanted to say thank you so much for these reviews, they totally made my week :) Report Review
I love it when Harry Potter characters are musical, especially when they play the piano, and especially when they are guys that seem as sweet as Hugo is. :)
A few things: When you said "Flew," I think you meant "Floo."~~I'm a bit picky about spelling, sorry.
You had some other spelling mishaps, but they weren't any big deal. :)
It's an excellent chapter, but the ending is kind of sad. :/
I can't wait to read the next chapter!Author's Response: Oh my gosh, thank you so much! That's so kind of you! :) I really do appreciate the CC! I am a rubbish speller, so I think i'm going to go through some HARDCORE edditing :)) Thanks again for reviewing, you rock! :) Report Review
It's Rosie from the blue vs bronze review battle! :)
I really enjoyed reading something about Hugo. Most Next-Gen stories are either about OCs, Rose, Scorpius, and Albus. So this was very refreshing!
I only noticed a few, tiny mistakes here and there.
You said they were traveling by "flew." I'm assuming you mean "floo," the powdery substance magical people throw into their fireplace to travel.
"I knew that this would last ages so I sat down on the bench next to them, and pulled out my book." You don't need a comma after "them."
"There is a huge window and a couch and chairs scattered." The wording is little bit awkward in this sentence. Maybe you could re-phrase that like: "There was a huge window along with a couch. Chairs were scattered throughout the room."
Also, when Hugo adressed Luna, I don't really think he would have just called her "Luna." I think he'd adress her as "Mrs. Scamander," or something more proper, as Hugo is younger than her.
These were some very minor mistakes, and they honestly didn't bother me. I still really enjoyed the story. Luna's characterization was wonderful, she clearly is the same Luna we know from the books. I don't think she'd change much as an adult. :p
I also think the flow of this story was wonderful. Good job on this!! :DAuthor's Response: Wow! Thank you so much! This is very much! Darn auto correct with Floo, that always happens no matter how many times I save the word! :)
Thanks for everything! Report Review
Hey there! I'm manno-malfoy from the Ravenclaw Common Room, here for the Review Battle.
First of all, I'd like to tell you that I am very glad I got to stumble upon this story. It's quite tranquil, and your descriptions, though simple, set a very calming atmosphere for the reader. Nonetheless you could have combined some of these shorter sentences to make them a bit more complex so the thought doesn't stop at every full stop... Other than that, I think you set the right mood with the amount of description you've put in.
I love Hugo's character: the quiet, passive bookworm who's just in the background all the time. Though you didn't have him think something like, "I am always in the background and no one cares for my presence", you just showed us that. I really liked that because it's always nicer when you just let the reader infer the character's personality, especially when the story is written from a first-person perspective. Or I feel good while reading when that happens anyway!
You had a couple of spelling, capitalization, and punctuation mistakes here and there, but not too many, and nothing too grave anyway. And at one point, you started shifting between past and present tense. For example, "Lorcan and Lysander, work there at night sometimes." I think "work" should be in past tense. But problems as such should be easily avoided through proofreading and such.
I'm also quite intrigued to see how you'll have Hugo know about the brown-haired girl's presence further on in the story.
Anyway, I think this story has lots of potential, and you've written a very nice first chapter that makes me eager to see what will happen next. I'll probably be coming back to see more of this.
Well done so far, though! And keep going!
-MannoAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! :) I really appreciate all of this! :) Report Review
Hey, it's ShieldSnitch3 from the forums finally here with your review? Let's get started, shall we?
Characterization - so far, I like your portrayal of Hugo. We don't know terribly much about him thus far, but I've gathered that he's quite down-on-his-luck and a rather sad sack, if you don't mind me saying (I'm assuming this was the point). I really liked how you included little aspects of Hugo's personality without drawing a huge amount of attention to them. Like when you mentioned how he was none to spend hours in the book shop - it makes it obvious that he loves reading and solitude, but you didn't outright say it (that's a good thing). I also liked Luna's character; she seemed to be very much in character even though we haven't heard much from her yet.
Flow - this is where it gets tricky. Some of the sentences were good, others were not so good. I think you could improve your flow by varying sentence structure a bit more. You seem to write fairly simple sentences, and some of them are a bit choppy. This example is from your first paragraph:
"It was a bright day. Full of sunshine and warmth. I opened the windows that morning, to birds in performance and the wind dancing. I basked in the sunlight, dreading the moment I had to break the trance. I sat on my bed and pulled out a book from the book shelf, then proceeded to sit on the window sill."
I think it could be improved by looking something more like this:
"It was a bright day, full of sunshine and warmth. I opened the windows to birds in performance and basked in the sunlight, dreading the moment I had to break the trance. Sighing, I pulled a book off the book shelf and proceeded to sit on the window sill, burying myself in the pages of the book."
Or something like that. :D See what I mean? Also, if you look at my version as compared to yours, I don't repeat the word "I" at the beginning of each sentence like you did in your last three. If you vary the sentence structure more, it will engage your reader and keep them focused on the story. Beginning with the same word (unless your doing it for rhetorical purposes through anaphora) bores the reader and makes them want to skip ahead.
Also, there were a few grammar mistakes in here. It wasn't a /huge/ amount, but it was enough that I noticed. At certain places you switched from past tense to present tense and you had some missing commas, misplaced commas, and other incorrectly used punctuation marks. Like here: "I had gotten Scorpius a book about plants; he was looking at 2 weeks prior." You don't need the semicolon here, you can just say: "I had gotten Scorpius a book about plants that he had been looking at two weeks prior." Grammar mistakes like that tend to pull the reader out of the story, taking away from the flow. Also, notice that I spelled out the word "two" - you should always spell out numbers, as actually seeing the number (ex. 2) pulls the reader out as well.
Plot - well, this is the introductory chapter, so usually there isn't a ton of plot to be found. I don't think this is something I can really comment on right now because I don't really see a plot, except for (possibly) the last few sentences. I'm guessing that this story is going to revolve around the brown haired girl, am I right? I hoping that you have a good plot lined up because if you do, then I think you've set it up quite nicely. Also, while I'm on the subject of your last sentence, you might want to consider fixing it up a bit. It was kind of confusing (this goes back to my comments on flow). Here's what you have: "Hiding from view, taking in the sounds and beauty of it all, never knowing it would one day, be taken away." Here's what I would do, so it's grammatically correct and flows a bit more: "The girl sat hidden from view and took in the sounds and beauty of it all, never knowing that one day it would all be taken away."
Anyway, I hope this review helped. If it did, feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter up. By the way, I noticed in your review request that you have two chapters up, but when I went to your story page there was only one chapter posted. You might want to look into that :DAuthor's Response: Wow! Thank you so much! I really appreciate this, it was really help full!!! Thank you thank you! I will certainly take another look at this and revise it... Thanks :) Report Review
Oh gosh,this whole thing is quite haunting.
The descriptions were subtle,and gorgeously done. Very good. This was very good, and I loved the little Scorpius/Rose description. I adore the name Estella. It's quite lovely. You've really got me hooked. Great set up chapter,and the characterizations were done extremely well. 10/10Author's Response: hey girl, first, thank you! I love the name Estella too! This is what i'm really looking forward to working on right now, thanks for the encouragement! :)
Okay i just loved it. It was really well written, easy to get into. A bit short maybe ( I WANT MORE haha).
I always wanted to read about a invisible and tortured Hugo, and how he would fall down. I tried to write a one-shot about it but apparently i'm not good with finishing stuff :/.
Anyways, i like your Hugo, and i can't wait to read more about what will happen. The last phrase was really intriguing.
I really hope you are not going to give up on this story- i'll stick around!
Ps; maybe you should have a banner for the story, so it stands out more :). xAuthor's Response: Hey there! This chapter just got validated today, so I am so happy you found it! Yeah, I am actually currently writting this story, so that's good, and am putting in a request for a banner right now! :) Anyways, thank's for taking the time to review! :) Report Review
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