Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.
I thought you did a terrific job with this. This is an event that people seem to write about often on the archives and, umm... not always very well. :-/ For me, you captured Tonk's reaction as well as the realities of the situation very well. It's pretty easy to write Tonks so that she instantly jumps to the conclusion that Remus has left her, which just isn't realistic. They're in the middle of a war. You developed all of her doubts and anxieties in a believable way, and ultimately landed on the correct one. It rang very true.
Tonks's mental state was a very good combination of her character and the type of emotional struggles that all new mothers have. She's concerned about Teddy. She's worried about the future - hers and his. Those are very natural thoughts, almost biological in origin, I think.
Remus's two appearances in this chapter -- first in Tonks's memory of his departure and then in his return -- book-end his appearance in Deathly Hallows, and I think they fit very well around the frantic state of denial he seems to be in when he appears at Grimmauld Place. His self-loathing and self-doubt are so strong that he just can't see his own value in Teddy and Tonks's lives. He believes that they both would be better served by him running off to help Harry carry out his mission. If there's anyone who would perfectly understand the flaw in that thinking, it's Harry, who grew up unloved without his parents. So when Remus returns, he's suitably chastised. He's remorseful. And he's come to realize his true role if not necessarily his value and importance. It's a start...
Your writing was terrific in this. I didn't see any typos or grammatical problems. Everything flowed very nicely and it was easy to read. I especially liked the way you wrote your dialog. It wasn't sing-songy or filled with extraneous tag verbs, but it was always clear who was speaking. This added to the spartan feel of the piece.
Great job!Author's Response: Thank you for your review! You reaffirmed that I had succeeded in what I set out to do with this one shot, make it real. You are right about Tonks being easy to write in how she jumps to conclusions about Remus; but that also make her a challenge. If writers are not careful they can go over board and make her seem whinny or weak, instead of concerned and scared.
With Remus I wanted him to have been defeated by both Harry's words and the realization that his leaving would hurt them more than staying. Also to realize that he was once again fully accepted and loved by someone. At the same time I did not want his return to be just an "ok I forgive you everything is perfect once more" kind of scene, I hate those. I wanted it to be a confession, a forgiveness, a reminder of love, and a promise to be better while still understanding that damage had been done.
I am happy you enjoy the dialog. I try very hard to put personality into the dialog so each line. I hate having to write the character's names after every speaking part.
Thank you again for your review! Report Review
I love it!! Keep updating 'Just Breathe'.
KEEP WRITING :DAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review! Report Review
Thank you for entering my challenge! I don't really like Tonks, but this is a very cute fic. I wanted more than one shots, but as you've been a winner in all my other challenges, of course you're a wonderful writer. You're really great at making a one-shot very good. I think it's very sweet. But, wasn't it when Remus found out that she was pregnant that he ran to Harry? I don't remember vividly, but I'm pretty sure that's the case. Either way, it's very well written, dear. Thank you!!Author's Response: Hello there! You're welcome and thank you for creating another fun challenge! I was not the biggest fan of Tonks at first either but she grew on me. I think it was because she loved Remus so much and, while, I love the Marauders and always felt bad for how lonely Remus was. In terms of this being a one-shot if I missed where you asked for more than a one-shot I am sorry, that was me not reading your instructions very well. :/ However I am happy that you still found the story very enjoyable! ^_^
I did go back and look at the book and you are correct he had just found out Tonks was pregnant when he attempted to run. I had remembered that in the film they had attempted to tell Harry when they went to take him away from the Dursleys. Therefore, without even verifying, I thought "Oh she gave birth already!"... this is not the case. *^_^* Normally I would go back and change the story to fit the correct timeline, but this one I shall just leave as is.
Thank you again for a fun challenge and I am happy you enjoyed my entry! Report Review
Man! That was good! I loved it I can't wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for your review! And I am sorry to disappoint you but there will not be another chapter. :( This story is just a one-shot. Report Review
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