This is brilliant! It's so well written. I love how you showed glimpses from other years to get a sense of where their relationship stands, and the ending is perfect, just enough to leave you wanting more. Thank YouAuthor's Response: Thank you! This is probably the sweetest review i've ever gotten. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This means so much to me. Thank you. :) Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! (Which has taken too long, but hopefully you will forgive me.)
A few mechanical notes first:
The first line of the fic is "Dancing in the Moonlight." I'm not sure if that's intentional or if it's the title and just got copied and pasted in with the story, but it feels a bit out of place as is.
In the beginning, you mention detention as a catalyst, but I never really understood how. You mention that they both got detention, but you didn't say anything more about it (unless I missed it). That left me feeling a little confused.
I also noticed a few typos:
- In the fifth paragraph: I think it should be "stops and stares at her," not "stops a stares at her."
- Not exactly a typo, but in the ninth paragraph: you say "She still caught my breath all the while." I wasn't sure about "all the while" as a description there - "all the while" is usually used more to mean "at the same time as," and typically over a significant stretch of time. I think that this would have been stronger if you'd changed your wording a bit and perhaps added a few examples of when she caught his breath. Was it in the hallway? In the Great Hall? By the lake? A few specifics would have really helped give it depth, you know?
- In the first paragraph, you didn't have an ending quote at the end of the question.
- In the sixth paragraph, you should have had a period (or an ellipsis, which might have worked better here) rather than a comma after, "Actually, Professor," because "I knew she would say that" isn't a dialogue tag (something that helps identify who is speaking and how - "he said," "I called," "she replied," etc).
- In the ninth paragraph, I wasn't really clear on why you capitalised "Red Haired." It's not a proper noun.
- In the eighth and thirteenth paragraphs, shouldn't it have been "Rosie," not "Rossie?"
I felt like you didn't always make your section breaks in the cleanest of ways.
For example, the italicised bit in between the intro and the scene in Potions class was a little awkward and unnecessary. It's not that it's bad to have any label, just to clarify things a bit, but having the three lines with so much information just felt excessive. I honestly think you probably could have done without any of it, but you certainly didn't need the "Gryffindor and Slytherin," and you probably didn't need the professor's name. It's just unnecessary detail that weighs the story down without really adding anything to it.
The break between the second and the third section, on the other hand, came off abrupt and awkward to me. I feel like you didn't really need it - you could have instead just included a transition, "After class, Rose came up to me," or something, which would have helped the flow a lot. Alternatively, I think that you could have summarised it in he third one - a mention of him correcting her in Potions and of her being offended would have been all you'd need, and then you could have gone on to the rest of the section. As is, the second section is just so devoid of description and anything really substantive that for me, at least, it just weighed the chapter down.
Similarly, I felt like you could have easily just summarised the first part of the fourth section rather than making the awkward jump. A simple, "She gave us two weeks worth of detention, and sent us off to class. The moment the door closed, our read haired beauty was gone," or something along those lines, would have made the story flow much smoother.
The problem with all of the section breaks and jumps is that they're often not really separating much substance. My general rule of thumb is that no more than one section break should be used per 1000 words in a chapter. That doesn't mean you need to wait a thousand words to use it, but that if you have a two thousand word chapter, you shouldn't have more than two section breaks throughout it. Now, the nature of this fic gives you a bit more leeway, but still, all of them were starting to get excessive. One for the intro, one for fourth year, one for fifth year, and one for seventh year would have felt much smoother to me.
I also thought that the description could use a little work. Especially around dialogue, there often just wasn't enough to break it up - I don't think that fics required long flowing descriptions, but something more that just facial expressions and dialogue tags would have been nice. Use more detail - for example, how did Rose say, "No ma'am." Did she glare at Malfoy? Did she look at the floor? I mentioned it above as well - details give a story life.
I also want to make a quick note about characterisation. The way she reacts to him in their seventh year and the fact that it's only then that he started to think, "Maybe I could love a Weasley after all" didn't really seem to fit with me if they were kissing in their fifth year. I don't know about you, but when I've gotten involved with people, it hasn't taken two or three years for our dynamic to change. That felt unrealistic to me. For him, it would have seemed more natural if you'd had him wondering if he could love a Weasley after all in his fifth year, and then deciding that he did in his seventh year. For her, it would have been nice if she'd been a bit less unfriendly and standoffish.
I think part of the problem for characterisation for me came from a few of the cliches I noticed. In their fourth year, you mention the entire class disliking Scorpius (or at least, thinking that he's "dirty") - that wasn't really relevant to the rest of the story and felt out of place to me. Similarly, the way Rose goes off at Scorpius for chasing after other girls… I'm not saying that you can't make it work, but I do think that you need to include some explanation for why what happened in their fifth year didn't stick.Author's Response: I totally see where you are coming from. Thank you so much for all of it! It means alot to me! I will certainly make some revisions to this! :) Report Review
Perelandra from the forums here with your review!
You said you wanted to go with flow and description. Well, honestly you're lacking in description and therefore it kill the flow. You have a cute story but the way its written, it's lacking "beef" as I like to call it.
Description is what paints the picture, not just the actions the characters are doing.
Her eyes bore into mine.
"“Do you trust me?”
I kissed her then. I didn’t want to stop kissing her either, until she pushed me away".
What did Malfoy feel at never being trusted by the girl he didn't think he fancied? What kind of look did Rose have? Adding extra details helps the reader become engaged. When it comes to painting a picture, all you have do is add the setting, otherwise the readers are left with a blank canvas with two people talking.
Suppose that's all I could point out.
PerelandraAuthor's Response: I deffenintly see where you are coming from..this was very helpful, thank you! Report Review
Hello! I'm here for your review.
Overall, I think the flow of the story was good. You did a good job of choosing incidents that were important to their relationship and you left out any extraneous details that might cloud things up. While your focus on what happened was good, I think that to make this more lyrical (that was the general effect I got as for the style), you might want to tighten up your descriptions a little bit. So, instead of saying Rose reached a 'supreme level of beauty' describe in what ways.
I have a few things to say about formatting too, that I think might help the pacing. Since you switch between years of school, try to pick one way to show the transition, and stick to that way. You used lines, italics, and headings to do so. I think the lines work the best, to separate unrelated incidents, but in this case, I think maybe just bold and italic the year, so it would be *Year Seven.* That makes the time change stand out more.
Only a few grammar issues. One I just happened to notice:
"I didn't know "spontaneous" was part of the Malfoy facade"
You need a period at the end of the sentence. Also, the word "spontaneous" should be in 'single quotes' because it's a quote inside a quote.
While your characters do develop, there could be more, I think. There is a lot of dialogue, and I think the one shot would benefit from a bit more introspection in the case of Scorpius, especially in places where there is mostly dialogue. That is, however, just a stylistic thing. Mostly that depends on how you want your story to read.
Overall, you did a pretty good job. The general feeling of the oneshot was nice, but I think a few things could be fixed to make the language you use match the feel of the story.Author's Response: Thank you! This is so great! I will defenintly work on the afore mentioned topics, I am very aware I screw up grammar alot! :) Thanks again! Report Review
That was beautiful :) All the descrition was perfect and you got all the characterization spot on, Scorpius' narration of the story was really good. This really cheered me up and make me feel all warm and happy :)
Truly beautiful read, I loved reading it :) 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! That makes me so happy! I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
Hello there, its AC here for your request review!
There were some really lovely parts about this story which really made me smile. I particuarlly liked the bit when they were sat out by the lake, that was realy nice and well thought - I liked it. Then on of my favourite lines was definately "Come at me, Darling" which I found, quite frankly, hillarious.
Then I thought the structure was really nice, and I liked the progression of time and how you also sort of saw them growing up together... that was really sweet. The only thing I would say on that point is that I found the first couple of bits slightly difficult to follow - it took me a couple of minutes to work out whether we were at the same point in time and for me that disrupted the flow of the whole reading experience a little bit.
OH A COUPLE OF GRAMMAR THINS:
McGonagall was a kind person, but when she was really mad(,) her voice got shrill.
^ I don't think you need the comma I put in brackets there. I don't usually pick up on grammar things but I've just been beta-ing, so now i'm in that sort of mood. And then, also, you wrote the entire thing nearly all in the present tense, which was really lovely but particuarlly towards the last section I noticed a couple of moments when that wavered slightly. Its ever so easy to do, with the present tense - but it's slightly unerving to go from 'looked' and 'were' in one bit and then be back to the present in the next moment. Just give it a look over and read it out loud and you should be able to spot it :)
You said in your request you wanted a focus on flow and description. Well, I've mentioned flow up there ^ so description wise I thought you created a nice sort of air about the piece. It seemed slightly up in the air, ungrounded and more er. floaty (man, I need to sleep more before reviewing) which I really liked - but I didn't think there was a large pieces of description within the story. The main focus was quite rightly on their relationship and the dialogue. Saying that you had a couple of lovely lines of description that really added to it. If you wanted to make it a more description-centric one-shot I think that would be fairly doable - but what you've included is usually lovely and very pretty language use.
Anyways, I think I've rambled on enough now. I hope that this review was helpful and I enjoyed filling this request for you. Thank you very much!
-ACAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Yes, I've been trying so hard with grammer (it is certainly not my strong point) Yes, I am aware I totally jacked up the ending with switching tenses! AH! This is totally going on my editing list! Thank you so much for your help! :) Report Review
Hey! It's BeaJerry, from the forums. Since this was a One-Shot, I thought that I'd do it right away ;3
First of all, I love the scenes. I think they're romantic, but edgy, and even though they're a stereotype they're still classy, everything Rose/Scorpius is about.
But I think your scenes should have been more descriptive, and maybe explain more about their relationship. It's quite short for a One-Shot, and although it's very good, it's quite brief.
I also think you take for granted that we all know about the R/S (we need to come up with a name for them! How about Rosepius? Scose? Scorpirose? Ergh...) love/hate relationship, but maybe you should dive a bit deeper in, and describe the scenery a bit more, to really set the scene.
But overall, I think this is brilliant, and I really enjoyed reading it! 8/10.
-Bea xoxoAuthor's Response: Thanks! As to the S/R thing, Scorpius is such an awkward name! haha :)
Yes, I think I could deffenintly add more detail/description. There was a detention scene in there, but I decided to cut it out. I'll probably go back and edit some more in there.
Thanks for the help! :)
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
I think that this was an interesting look at Rose and Scorpius' relationship and I enjoyed watching the progression of their relationship through the years.
I think that you did a good job of making sure that the scenes flowed from one to the next well and the small italics showing the years were great in helping to keep track of their ages. However, I was a little confused when one scene ended in Rose kissing Scorpius and the next started two years later with intense dislike on Rose's part. Though you explained it a little later on in the scene (kissing her and then running away), I think that it would be nice to have a little more explanation about what happened after their first kiss- perhaps a scene of their sixth year, with Scorpius watching Rose from afar?
I liked how you focused your description on Rose's hair and eyes because it allowed the reader to see the evolution of his feelings for her as his observations about her eyes and hair changed. Though there wasn't too much description of settings such as the classroom and the hallway where their fight occured, it wasn't difficult to come up with my own visualization. However, I would suggest including a few small references to the location of the scene, such as "the corridor was dark" or "Rose's hair contrasted nicely with the grey stones of the wall", something that you did very well with the setting out by the lake.
I also liked your characterization. Scorpius' voice really came through in his narration and he was likable, a typical teenage boy who liked to tease girls. I liked how you made his character almost childish and quite funny with his little comments during the conversations. Rose herself was good- I could definitely see hints of her parents in her, with her studying and constantly answering questions in class. The "know-it-all"- a next generation Hermione!
I did notice a few small grammatical errors/typos that can be easily fixed. With the phrase "shant be smart" I'm unsure if "shant" is the right word... Would "couldn't" be a suitable replacement? As well, with "red head beauty" it should be "red-headed". Finally, I noticed that you flipped between past and present tense in your writing. I would chose one and stick to it- in my opinion, this story works very well in present tense.
All in all, I think that this is a very good one-shot and a very enjoyable read. Your characters are fun and interesting to read about. Thanks for requesting and I hope my comments are helpful!Author's Response: Thank you so much! Yes, I will defenintly work on the description of the Halway and such. This is my first time doing lots of description like that, and had a lot of fun with it! As to the gramatical errors, yeah, that could use some work :) Thank you for your solid advice, I really appreciate it. :) Report Review
Aww that's so sweet. Is it done cuz it should have another chapter. I wanna know more :) you are truly a great writer. Keep it up
~DramionedrunadrinnyAuthor's Response: Aw! Thank you so much! That means so much to me. Yes it is done. I left it that way, because I wanted you as the reader to imagine the rest. :) Report Review
Well...I liked it :) it ends as if there's an unfinished side to it ... :) good job XxAuthor's Response: Thanks :) That's sorta what I was going for! Thank you for traking the time to review, it means alot :) Report Review
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