Reading Reviews for New Beginnings
  
30 Reviews Found

Review #1, by DarknessIsMyOnlyFriend The Blackened Hat

14th September 2014:
The punctuation and paragraphs were much better in this chapter!

I'm glad you still make Kai so surprised about all things magical. After all it is new to him, but you point out the right things. Like the missing oars on the boats. Or that the name Potter would cause such reaction.

And you had Luna bring them into the great hall. I love Luna. I'm glad she is a part of your story.

Slytherin is fitting for the way you have described Kai so far. Very interesting! I like that you made him become friends with Albus on the train. It shows that there is more to someone than the reputation of the house. People usually make it very obvious to which house people belong, you steered clear of that. Even though this was not out of the blue either. It really fits with the way you've written Kai so far.

There were some small typo's:
- When the hat it talking to Kai : 'you can talk to me though thinking'...I think it should be through?
- the sentence: The rest of the sorting went by...a old women: this should be 'an' old woman.
- Thank you Miss Lovegood, know then...: now then?
There were a few more, but with another look over I am sure you could easily find them.

Author's Response: Hello thank you for your review. I am glad you like Luna and that Kai is in Slytherin. Spelling is a little bit difficult but i'll take on your advice and check more clearly for typo's.

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Review #2, by DarknessIsMyOnlyFriend The Train

14th September 2014:
You missing some punctuation in the beginning paragraphs. It makes it a little harder to read through and not miss anything.
Also when you write speech for a character, this start on a new sentence. Not in the middle of a paragraph.
It made the introduction of Albus a little jumbled. As was the speech unclear, who said what? I think I got it right, but more punctuation and less jumbled paragraphs would help immensely.

Now I am not a devout Christian, but how is Chritsmas less important than Easter? Are they not both important Christian 'celebrations'? And why would Kai not come home for both?
And more than one suitcase? Don't the students usually have the one?

I think this chapter has got plenty of potential, but right now it's not showing yet. I would revisit it and add some more space in-between sentences.

Author's Response: :) Thank you for another brilliant review! Punctuality for me is rather hard so I am working on improving that. And in terms of the Christmas/Easter holidays I believe that Easter was when Christ was ressurected I do hope I am not incorrect. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story. :)

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Review #3, by DarknessIsMyOnlyFriend Diagon Alley

14th September 2014:
I can only imagine just how excited Kai must be to be a wizard. I too would have been at the door, ready to go the moment Neville arrived. I would have probably been ready for hours already :P
I just wonder; why did his mother not accompany them to Diagon Alley? Why did she look bothered?

Why didn't Neville take Kai to Gringotts first? Would he not have to exchange his muggle money for wizard cash? Why would Neville pay? Why won't he answer Kai's questions.

And would Draco be this impatient with his son? Coming from such doting parents himself, I would imagine he and his wife would act similar.

I do love the owl's name! I love the mythology surrounding Medusa.

I don't know if I like Kai yet. He seemed a bit bratty in the first chapter and a little smug in this one. I am, however, curious about him.

In the previous chapter I said something about speech in the first chapter, only to see here that you have already improved it so much in this second chapter!

Another thing I have to say is; great keeping the information to a minimum! You create questions. And as a reader, you want those questions answered. Thus you tune in for the next instalment. I put all the questions in this review, simply to show you which you raised with me. I like it when a chapter leaves me with questions, so good on you!

Author's Response: Wow another large review thank you! I think after the whole episode with her fainting she would want to spend as little time around Neville as possible! Also I believe that Neville would try and make it more exciting for Kai by not answering his questions. Also I think Draco would be a busy man and have other things to do. :)

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Review #4, by DarknessIsMyOnlyFriend The Letter Arrives

14th September 2014:
Your very first hp fanfiction...I'm very curious :D

There is a lot of speak in this chapter. I am prone to this as well, however for a reader it is usually better to have more descriptive writing. Describe the room they stand in or the feelings, the situation, without having the characters say it. Not to say it is bad to speech write, I've just found that most readers like it less than the descriptive writing.

The large amount of presents? Is he spoiled like Dudley? Having that many presents without anyone but his mother even there yet...He does sound a bit bratty.

It does seem odd for Neville to tell the boy to leave his mother laying on the ground. Also is there a special reason that Neville came by with the letter? Is this standard for muggles? Other than that I think Neville was done just right!

It's a relatively short chapter with only minimal information, which is perfectly fine for a first chapter actually. In fact it usually makes people go to chapter 2.
I like that you did not give too much information about Kai yet. You've got plenty of time to get to the details of his character.
All in all a good first chapter! And great considering it's your first ever hp story!

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for your long review :D I'll try to add more descriptive writing and I think a teacher would of come to explain all the information about being a wizard as they would not believe it otherwise! I'm so pleased you enjoyed it!

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Review #5, by BLONDEbehaviour The Letter Arrives

9th September 2013:
Hi there! Blondie here with your requested review :)

This sounds like it can be an interesting story! I think you have started it well, and it gives an air of mystery around Kai, as we are yet to know more about him, which is exciting!

I like how he seems to have been a muggleborn, and I'm interested in knowing how his moth handles this significant change in her son, as it is something that is not really touched on, so that would be interesting to see.

Something that I think you could improve on if you liked is the description, both character and imagery-wise. So the readers can get a feel and image of the place and Kai's thoughts and involve themselves more in the story :)

When it comes to grammar and such I did see a few mistakes, but just having a read through (reading out loud helps a lot) will fix those easy as :)

I like how you portrayed Neville! Seemed very like him, so no problems there :)


Feel free to re-request for chapter, Its a great start, well done!!

Please respond to this review, thanks :)

Grace

Author's Response: Hi BLONDEbehaviour thanks for the review I am very pleased that you thought that I got Neville right. Thanks for the tips as well!

Thanks again!


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Review #6, by Half Raven Prince Denial

28th February 2012:
great story hope to see more soon

Author's Response: Hi Thank you for your review:) I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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Review #7, by Sheriff The First Day

23rd February 2012:
I think the concept and ideas here are really well thought out and quite intelligently realised, but this chapter really, really needs proof-reading from the first sentence onwards.

That first sentence has 81 words without any punctuation of any kind, and that makes it very difficult to read and follow. The same applies to the directed speech later in the chapter; punctuation is essential for clarity in your work and it often needed re-reads to tell who was speaking here.

New speaker = New paragraph. Always!

Author's Response: Hello Sheriff I'm sorry about the grammer and when my beta catches up it will be much better in grammer and punctuation throughout the story. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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Review #8, by magicmuggle01 Denial

12th February 2012:
Wow. Kai certainly let rip with the demand to change house. I don't think that McGonagall has ever been spoken to before like that. And Anton sounds like another Filch. 10/10 and plz update soon.

Author's Response: Hi:) I hoped you enjoyed this chapter and I hope I got McGonagall's reaction right and I will update as soon as my beta catches up with the story. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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Review #9, by magicmuggle01 The First Day

12th February 2012:
Nice chapter. I wonder if you'll somehow have Albus and kai as friends, which in turn (in a way) will kind of unite two houses. 9/10

Author's Response: Hi :) thank you for reviewing and giving 9/10. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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Review #10, by Lizzfizz The Blackened Hat

30th January 2012:
Awesome descrition, As well As it being detailed it also talks about Things almost like it is from Kai's perspective. It makes me feel As if i'm there at Hogwarts As well:)
I loved the idea of portholes in the slytherin dorm to See in the Lake :)
Really enjoyed Reading this :D

Author's Response: HI I'm glad I got the detail right that was a challenge for me and for it too make someone feel like their at Hogwarts is a real achivment for me. I also liked the porthole idea if I do say so myself :)

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Review #11, by Lizzfizz The Train

30th January 2012:
You have charactierised an eleven year soon to be Hogwarts student really well and his mother. :) teehee I hope they pull more pranks on Scorpius >:)
looking forward to Reading more :D

Author's Response: Hi :) I am glad that I got characterization right for both Kai and his mum. I like you enjoyed the prank :D. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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Review #12, by Lizzfizz Diagon Alley

30th January 2012:
Hi again,
Yay! I love Diagon Alley. Your description of them apparating was really amazing, you described it really well and I like the idea of Neville almost throwing up after that because I can so imagine that happening. Also liked that Neville wouldn't tell him much about Hogwarts which was nice, I can see why he would do that so it is even more magical for Kai.
Thw wand, hmm I really want to know what Ollivander meant when he said Yet or course, especially as he is muggle-born. Also I have the feeling that Scorpius Mafloy will be a bit of an enemy to Kai. I like how you have potrayed him, very like Draco in both looks and mind. Looking forward to seeig what happens at Hogwarts :)

Author's Response: Hi, again a great review thank you so much for liking my ideas and I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story. :)

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Review #13, by Lizzfizz The Letter Arrives

30th January 2012:
Heya, ahh that was really fun to read. I think you all the reactions that people would have spot-on. You 've captured the birthday very well. Nice questions, maybe a little obvious but then when you already know the answers it does make the questions seem simple and obvious. While it is a simple start, I quite like it because it makes me want to read what will happen to Kai. Good start :)

Author's Response: Hi Lizzfizz thank you for your positive review especially the reactions. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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Review #14, by magicmuggle01 The Blackened Hat

29th January 2012:
Well that sorting took me totally by surprise. I actually gasped with shock when you placed Kai in Slytherin. Now I find myself wondering what other surprises you have in store for your readers. 10/10 and plz update soon.

Author's Response: Hi I'm am very happily surprised with the fact you gasped with shock. WOW thank you for your perfect 10/10. I will update as soon as possible.

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Review #15, by magicmuggle01 The Train

29th January 2012:
I have a funny feeling that Kai and Scorpy are going to be enemies. Another good chapter. 9/10 and moving on.

Author's Response: Wow another 9/10 thank you. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story

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Review #16, by magicmuggle01 Diagon Alley

29th January 2012:
I do like the wand choosing part of going to Diagon Alley. Another good chapter and 9/10. Must move on.

Author's Response: Hello another 9/10 thank you very much :) glad to have got the wand choosing part to somebody's liking.

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Review #17, by magicmuggle01 The Letter Arrives

29th January 2012:
Sounds excellent. I like stories where people find out their magical for the first time. I must move on so 9/10 for your opener.

Author's Response: Hello thank you for 9/10 I hope it stays entertaning for you.

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Review #18, by Sheriff The Blackened Hat

19th January 2012:
A big improvement on the last chapter (which needs a proof-read, and re-submitting) in terms of grammar and syntax - well done for taking that on board (and to your beta reader). The only significant thing I noticed was something of a lack of commas, moreso later in the chapter and particularly around reported speech. Every instance where a sentence leads into speechmarks needs punctuation.

Otherwise, well done - the plot's advancing and you're set up to take your story in your own direction - the Albus/Kai/Scorpius dynamic has potential. Having done "mudbloods in Slytherin" in my last fic, it'll be interesting to see what you do with it. I'd like to see a little more body language and emotion, just to explain their actions, and give a little more character depth. Keep it up!

Author's Response: Hi Sheriff thanks for reviewing. I'm glad I got the grammer and syntax right this time. Sorry for the lack of commas. I will mention more emotion and body language in the future. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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Review #19, by SilentConfession Diagon Alley

15th January 2012:
Hi, i'm here for your review request

So you have a nice chapter here, it's still has a good balance between dialogue and narrative. You're style of describing things is very simple, which makes your work very readable and enjoyable to read. I like the style of this, it reminds me a bit of JKR herself.

As i'm reading this, i'm really unsure of Kai, mostly because i don't really know what to make of him. He seems a bit bratty and aloof at times, but than others he acts in different ways. Also how would he know that was a wizard name?

I feel like Neville wouldn't have gotten annoyed, i mean, if he does this with all the new first year muggle born, than he'd be used to and even open to the questions. Or, is there something especially annoying about Kai? If there is, i'd suggest showing it because, to me at least, simply asking questions about a world you know nothing about isn't annoying. Which makes me think of why his mother didn't go with him, isn't that what they typically do? Think of Hermione's parents, they were always with her in Diagon Alley, if she's such an overprotective mother, i think she would have insisted on going to keep him safe.

It would have been really great to see some of Kai's reaction to the magic as well, he's never seen it before, i'd have thought he'd be a little more awestruck by seeing the tape measure measuring him or these people with the long robes. I feel like if we had some of his perspective on things, it would make the story more alluring, i have read stories that come from no one's perspective, and they are great, but it seems that in the style you're writing, that would be beneficial.

I like however that you seem to be foreshadowing his house? He seems inquisitive and questioning everything so are you showing his place in Ravenclaw?

Would Ollivander still be alive? He was ancient already in Harry's era and even if he's a famous wand maker, it doesn't mean he lives forever.

Generally you have a nice start here and i think your plot is slowly unfolding now into this chapter. I'm curious about the conflict that will push this story further and i wonder what is in store for Kai. Thanks for requesting me.

Author's Response: Hello omg I can't believe I remind you of JKR that is such a complement to me thanks. I will aim to put more detail in and everything else you have mentioned. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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Review #20, by HarryPotterGeek The Train

14th January 2012:
I LOVE this story so far!

Author's Response: Yay at least I know someone loves my story I hope you review the rest of my story chapters. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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Review #21, by HarryPotterGeek Diagon Alley

14th January 2012:
Awesome! Keep writting! I cant wait until the next chapter!

Author's Response: Cheers for saying my story is awesome I will indeed keep posting my chapters. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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Review #22, by HarryPotterGeek The Letter Arrives

14th January 2012:
This looks like its going to be a great story

Author's Response: Thanks for thinking this is going to be a great story. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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Review #23, by Beeezie The Letter Arrives

10th January 2012:
Hey this is Beeezie, here with your (delayed) review!

I think that this story has a lot of promise. I think I've only ever read one other story about a muggleborn on their eleventh birthday getting a letter from Hogwarts, but I really love the concept and think that it's a great way to start a story. I think that you have the beginnings of a really good story here - but I also think that there are some issues that you might want to consider looking at, because right now I think that they're dragging the story down.

First off, I noticed a few mechanical errors. You didn't always capitalize the word at the beginning of a sentence ("now" in the third paragraph and "when" in the fifth, for example), and you sometimes capitalized words that you didn't have to ("birthday" in the first paragraph, for example - as it is not a proper noun, it really shouldn't be capitalized). Additionally, you occasionally had issues with punctuation and dialogue formatting - there's a great article about dialogue formatting in the Grammar Guidelines section of the forums if you need a refresher, and it's really helpful. :)

I also thought that there were points where you overused adjectives and/or verbs, which made some of your descriptions fall a little flat. A few examples of this are "clear mock annoyance" (third paragraph), "said Mum with a sigh and a shake of her head, smiling exasperatedly" (seventh paragraph), and "Mum said teasingly with a frown and a very annoyed voice" (ninth paragraph). Squishing all of that together tends to just come across as awkward, especially when it's not really clear what the person is feeling.

I'd cut some of the words out entirely (for example, I don't think that you need "clear" in the third paragraph - it just weighs down the sentence without adding anything to it) and split others up (for example, in the tenth paragraph, I think you could have slowed down a little and described one thing at a time, rather than sticking it all together, so it might have read instead, "The boy sighed and with his bowl of porridge in hand he went into the living room. The usual large amount of presents were wrapped in shiny blue wrapping paper, and they sat under a bright, glowing sapphire-blue banner that read, 'HAPPY 11th BIRTHDAY KAI'" - do you see the difference there? I didn't really change what you'd said, but I split it up a little, which really helps the flow, at least in my opinion).

I'm kind of of two minds about your narrative style. On one hand, I'm actually a huge fan of just jumping into a story rather than spending a lot of time on explicit introductions, because I feel like they usually come off as awkward without adding any useful or essential information. You have just jumped into the story, and you get across a lot of information without coming out and saying, "Kai is turning eleven today" or "Kai is spoiled" or "Kai's mother is energetic." That's a good thing, and a lot of people can't do that when they're first starting out.

However, I did wish that you'd had a more consistent narrator throughout - there were a few points where you showed Kai's thoughts, but other than that, the narration was just kind of impersonal and lacked something concrete to really tie it to the scene. That's not necessary - I've read great stories that aren't really told from anyone's pov - but for this kind of story, I think it really would have helped, particularly in the beginning. The first five or six paragraphs came off as a bit awkward - just inserting some of Kai's perspective would have helped that immensely. Rather than, "said a gleeful voice on a bright sunny day," you could have written, "Kai heard a gleeful voice say." Does that makes sense?

Again, I don't think that you should change the way you just jump into the story, because I think that that's great. I just think that restructuring a few of your descriptions so that they included more of Kai's perspective would have helped strengthen the story and make me more invested in his character as a reader.

Author's Response: Thank you Beeezie for your very and long review I hope that my story does hold promise in your's and other people's views I am pleased with your feedback and I will aim to improve what you have mentioned. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story

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Review #24, by Sheriff Diagon Alley

6th January 2012:
Hey there.

Anything with the word "Slytherin" in usually catches my attention, so you can thank your username for this review! I think you've got a good starting point here, and a lot of the excerpts do feel authentically similar to JKR's original text - I particularly like the example of "teletration" in this chapter. The spelling and grammar seem generally good - I've not noticed anything that's stuck out (but that might be because it's 1.24am and I should have gone to bed some time ago).

Anyway, a couple of points that I'd suggest you target in the upcoming chapters are the pace of the plot and (linked with it) the development of the characters.

I'm not sure exactly what to make of Kai at the moment - a couple of things have made him come across as slightly arrogant/aloof/cold, but other sentences (namely the exchange with Malfoy) have hinted that this isn't the case. From my perspective, it's been difficult to tell as important events have happened "off camera" - such as what exactly happened after his mum came around on the day he received his letter. How did Mum react? What are Kai's emotions doing at the moment? I'm interested in what happens to him... but I'm not on his side yet.

I feel this is all summed up in the last sentence: "Kai with the smuggest face that is remotely possible got even smugger and was so ready to gloat about this later." It strikes me as a little rushed, and the language/syntax becomes a little childish - that's fine when it's an 11yo speaking, but not so good in the narrative voice. Hope this makes sense - I'll keep reading and I look forwards to the next bit: bringing a new OC to Hogwarts is a great opportunity for writing!

Sheriff

Author's Response: Hi Sheriff this is my first review of my second chapter (Thanks!) and I am happy with it. Sorry if I missed any events that you would like to know more about and if the syntax and language seemed childish in the narration. I will aim to improve what else you have mentioned. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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Review #25, by SilentConfession The Letter Arrives

6th January 2012:
Hi, i'm here for your requested review!

Okay so i really liked the mother's reaction to getting the letter and it's how i imagine how some people might react to having this person with crazy robes come into my home. It all just seemed really shifty how he wanted to come into the house. I'd honestly be scared out of my wits if that happened to me. And then to say that magic exists. It would be rather surreal and unbelievable honestly. So i think you captured that well. Also it was nice seeing how getting the letter might be for a regular family and how they might react to this.

I think you have a pretty good balance between description and dialogue which is great because not many new ff writers can get that balance and it's even hard for some older and more seasoned writers so honestly, great job! One thing I'd point out is that there are more effective ways at describing characters than putting it into a blocky paragraph. You did great in that it wasn't a large and long drawn out paragraph about every last detail about your character but was quick and to the point. But if you drop the characters appearance in as the story goes along, it makes a more interesting read. For example, as hes getting up, have him ruffle his long dark hair. Or blink the sleep out of his hazel eyes. Something like that.

I can't comment too much on characterization since this is the first chapter. He seems, at this point, a bit like someone a little disdainful and ungrateful with the way he approached his presents. Perhaps it was because he and his mum don't have the greatest relationship. I think the way he reacted to things seemed like he was resentful of her, which i think would have fit with a 14 or 15 yr old teen who doesn't want to have anything to do with their parents. Again though, this is so early on in the story i can't comment too much on him.

Neville seems to be pretty well written as well. I liked that he seemed to sort of forget to tell him some things like the houses and was more like 'this is what it is' without explaining much. One part of me feels like he would explain the wizard thing a bit more and that he should be a bit clearer with his explanations. Another part of me liked the vagueness. Although, i don't think he would say you need to wait and find out, i think he'd be ready to answer all the questions. Or at the very least give an idea of what is being taught there. If you find a balance between vague and detail I think it would be great.

You have a few grammar issues here and there, i'd suggest a beta, they are wonderful creatures :D I always get beta's for my stories it's so nice to have a second pair of eyes. Also, make sure that every sentence you write means exactly what you mean for it to say. I was a little confused with a few sentences, for one, when his mum said teasingly with a frown and a very annoyed voice. I think i understood what you were trying to say, that she tried to make it sound light and funny but she was really irritated that he wasn't excited about his present and was being a right pest about it. But it was just worded really awkwardly.

Would Slughorn and McGonagall still be working at Hogwarts? Wizards are still people and they don't last forever.

I do think you have a great start here, especially for a first chapter for your first hp story. I hope you don't get disheartened with anything i've said, you really do have a good start here and everything i've said is simply my opinion. Thank you for requesting me :D

Author's Response: Hi I am pleased with the fact that I got the description and dialogue right. I will get a beta soon so that will help with the grammer. I am so happy with this review and I will aim to improve what you have mentioned. I hope you enjoy the rest of Kai's story.

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