Hi, it's your review tag review again!
So I loved the insight into what Lucy was like, especially as Molly didn't seem too hate her for being popular which can happen all too often. It seemed to me that Molly disliked herself for not have the courage to speak out and be loud like Lucy, though of course I may be wrong. I also loved Molly's conversation with Dominique because it sort of showed how relaxed she is with her family compared to everyone else and it was really sweet to seem them being really close despite not being best friends and having to hang around with each other all of the time. This was another very good chapter and I can't wait to find out what is in the mysterious book!
BethAuthor's Response: Hey there - thanks so much for stopping by again! :)
Yes! Wow, you're a really, really insightful reviewer, I love it... Molly does wish she was braver, kinda like most of her family, but at the same time she's happy just being her... if that makes sense (it probably doesn't :P).
Yeah, I like Dom and Molly - I think they fit well together, because they both feel a bit like outsiders. But yeah, I don't think anyone is 'best friends' with all of their family, but they'll talk perfectly happily and they get on well :)
Ah, the book... you may have to wait a while for that - but feel free to let me know any theories you have about it! ;)
Aph xx Report Review
Hi is your review tag again!
I really liked how obvious it was that Percy had really influenced her in things like how she organised her time and though she didn't always agree with them, she had been told so many times that they were always her first thought and her own opinion on the matter seemed more of an after thought. I like how she wants to blend in and 'slip under the radar' most of the time and I feel bad for her because she seemed quite isolated which was shown really well at dinner when the only person she spoke to was her cousin Louis and how she was surprised when the boy knew her name. From the way she analyzed what the knocker on the ravenclaw common room door said to her I sort of think that maybe she had been given false compliments in the past or maybe people had lied, pretending to be her friends just because she was a Weasley? I really like your story so far :)
BethAuthor's Response: Hey there - thank you so much for continuing to read, I'm so glad you carried on! :)
Thanks - not many people have picked up on things like that so I'm so glad you mentioned them! Molly is very much here dad's daughter and I imagine the two of them to have a fairly close relationship. She's also very pragmatic about things and very logical, so yeah, she doesn't really think about her own opinion if it doesn't fit in.
Part of Molly's character was formed from sort of trying to avoid all of the Next Gen cliches which are around - like having hugely popular OCs/main character, etc. I just wanted her to be normal and sort of average - so she's a bookworm who doesn't really want to be noticed, lol.
I have never heard anyone theorize like that about the doorknocker riddle! It's a brilliant theory, tbh, and I kinda wish I'd thought of it and could say 'yes' to that question, lol, but I just picked it at random from a list, tbh :P Maybe next time I'll choose one for a reason ;)
Thank you so much for this review! :)
Aph xx Report Review
Hi, I am you're review tag person, thingy.
I really like your description of the library, I think you really captured the essence of it! I also really liked the perspective, it's uncommon but I think it made the story better. I'm really intrigued to find out what will happen and what has happened to Molly though I have my suspicions!
BethAuthor's Response: Hey there! Thanks for stopping by! :)
I'm so glad you liked the descriptions - I know that it's a bit of a boring prologue in terms of action, so I'm glad you liked it! Haha, I like to hear you have suspicions... let me know if you think you're right or not if you carry on ;) I'm so happy you liked the perspective - it was a totally new thing to me, so I was a bit scared it wouldn't work! :)
Thanks so much for the review!
Aph xx Report Review
Ooh, so I was scrolling through your Author Page looking for something to review and voila. I came across this. I've been following it for quite some time now, and was excited to review it. (I must admit, I'm bad at reviewing unless I've someone specifically telling me they want one, haha).
Everything about this drew me in. The summary made me want the chapter, the first few lines had me craving the rest, the everything made me want everything more.
The style you have of writing is unique. (Not just your use of second person.) There's just something about it that is different.
Your flow is fantastic, and your characters really come to life. You almost put me in the story along with all them. (Haha, ironic) Well, actually, you made me realise that Molly and I are exactly alike. Yenno, minus the whole Witch-y thing and all that jazz.
The prolouge totally makes me want to come back for more (which I totally have done and am caught up and LOVING IT)
Liz Report Review
Team Blue for the win!
I have decided that Molly and I are kindred spirits. First of all, we love libraries, love the same authors and have the habit of delaying revision for something more preferable. Iím already liking this girl! And sheís intriguing, the way sheís ready to get rid of her good reputation, itís so unlike Percy. Iím sure he wonít be too happy when he hears about this!
And you made Lucy her twin, Iíve never seen that done before, but I liked it. Whatís this mystery potion, and the people crying? Iím guessing itís some kind of illness she has, youíve already got me intrigued though, and Iím hoping itís not too bad as I donít want my kindred spirit to die.
I liked how you made her friends with Vic, as I tend to see people make her and Lucy the nerdy girls, compared to the cool Weasleys, so I was glad to see it wasnít like that here, as I hate that stereotype.
I was right about her having illness, but I didnít realise it was so serious that she might die. Iím really curious to find out what it is, as I generally assume that magical people can cure most illnesses, and itís always interesting to see when magic and medicine are combined.
And the mystery narrator, Iím hoping heís going to be like Mr Bingley and come and sweep Lucy off his feet. We can forget about Mr Darcy telling him to leave her alone, because this guy does seem pretty keen on her.
Sorry if this review isnít very coherent, Iím currently very hungry and that addles with my brain a bit. I really enjoyed this prologue though, and felt it was a great start to the story!
-Kiana :D Report Review
Oh my gosh, that was intense, holy crow. This is so interesting, I'm not completely sure what's going on yet because this is the Prologue after all but it sounds like a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde thing.
This sounds so interesting and cool. While I was reading this it occurred to me that it was like being hypnotised and you were being told what was happening. It actually felt like I was Molly Weasley. I felt like I was the character in the story and that everything that was happening was happening to me.
Great, great job on this! An obvious 10/10Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks so much for dropping by!
I'm so glad you liked it - I was never sure when I wrote it if there was actually enough information in the prologue, so it makes me so relieved to hear that! It is a bit Jekyll and Hyde, yeah, hold on to that thought ;)
Wow, thanks! No one's ever mentioned that to me before, but it's a really interesting thought. Hypnotism is really fascinating... I like that a lot, thanks! :)
Thank you so so much for this review - it was really lovely to get and has given me a few interesting ideas! :D
Aph xx Report Review
Hey Aph, how're you going? Here to give ya some love for the BvB battle :)
So, this is not what I was expecting!!! I think I only glimpsed the "characters" before going ahead and clicking on the link for the first chapter and as a result I spent the majority of it until Victorie was mentioned thinking it was Molly Weasley (Ron's mum...) and was going to correct you and say that wasn't her maiden name at school, as it had me very confused until that point (seeing how I'm sure I saw Andromeda and Bellatrix in it), but ah well, clearly been attacked by baby brain and will therefore shut up lol. Sorry about that.
So, I'm starting to think, now that I've read everything and it's making a bit more sense to me being a next-gen than mauraders (lol), that it could be a type of time travel fic, explaining the "her" in Molly Weasley (JR's, lol...) head, and I am keen to find out. Very mysterious. Is it like Tom Riddle's Diary kind of situation where Molly talked to someone from the past like that? Keen to find out.
Will admit, it's been a LONG time since I've read a story in 2nd person, but you carried it through beautifully and it didn't drag. On the contrary, it read seemlessly and "fast", if that made sense? Yes there was a lot of description (at times, a little too much towards the beginning? Some sentences I had to re-read - could also be from being tired...) but for the most part it didn't drag the flow of the story down at all, and the plot is very interesting already, very mysterious.
I am very interested to find out who the "her" is, and how she came into being. Very sinister, love it! Will definitely read more (after a nap I think, hehe!) Bobby xx Report Review
This was a great prologue, it really was. It was honestly everything that a prologue should be-creating questions, rather than asking them and creating mystery and suspense. I already have so many questions flitting around my mind, and now I am desperate to know more!
I have never read a story like this but it is stylistically brilliant, and definitely the sort of thing that I'd like to start reading a bit more of. I'm wondering where this place Molly goes to is-I'm thinking inside a book, at least in her head, but I've never been very good at guessing.
I can't wait to read more!
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hey there - thanks for dropping by! :)
Thanks so much! I always find prologues really hard to start because it's difficult to know how much to put in them, you know, and how much to leave out - so I'm so glad that you think it worked! As for the questions... well, I couldn't possibly give anything away, so you'll have to read to find out ;)
Mm... part of your comment about the 'place' and Molly is pretty good... can't say which part, of course... thanks! The whole style and voice and person was a completely new thing for me, so I'm happy you like it!
Thanks so much for this lovely review!
Aph xx Report Review
Wow. This is so amazing. I had to put it in my favourites straight away. It's beautiful, haunting and intriguing -everything a prologue should be, or so I think. I really liked how it was written in second person, it really adds to the atmosphere of the story, and I haven't read a lot of second person stories here at HPFF so I'm really loving all of this so far.
Molly's illness intrigues me so much. I'm thinking a spirit in the book she's always carrying around has decided to live in her body or something like that. But then, it could be something totally different from that. Argh. The possibilities are limitless.
This was such an amazing read! Everything about it is just so perfect. I'm definitely going to back for more really soon! ♥
16th review out of 100.Author's Response: Hey, there! Gosh, thanks so much! :) I'm so glad you're enjoying it - it's still kinda my baby, even though it's been up/in progress for a while. The second person was difficult at first, but it's got a lot easier now... and I know, there's hardly any! I'd never read or written anything in second person either before writing this, so it was a bit of a learning curve... I'm glad you think it works, though! :)
Mm... you know, no one else has suggested exactly that, I don't think. Curious. Of course, I can't say if you're right or not, so... maybe yes, maybe no ;) But it is a good theory. I like it, lol.
Thank you so much for the lovely review! :)
Aph xx Report Review
Hey there Laura (I just had this moment when I was debating whether myself about whether it was Laura or not, I was almost entirely sure but I couldn't remember where I knew this from, but I checked so it's all fineee)!
It's funny, because today at uni we were doing the sceptical argument from dreaming and the basic idea is that we never know when we're dreaming until we're awake, and this just really reminded me of that when I started reading again. You write this so beautiful, but the premise is so sinister and I'd almost forgotten about that until this chapter when Molly has like... a slip and loses track of who she is a little bit with the business about the Slytherin table...
it's terrifying. Do you know that? The idea that a book could absorb you like that, and you package it all up in this beautifully written second person and I'm genuinely in awe. I mean, I've never read a story where second person worked for longer than a chapter or two... but your decision to have half of it in 2nd person and half in 3rd person is definitely genius and just... ack, I love everything about your characterisation of Molly and just this .
This has still got to be one of my favourite WIPs on the archives.
Anyway, lovely to be back! And I hope to return again soon. Happy writing!
-Helen Report Review
Review swap ♥ ♥
Hehe I'm so excited to read this! I've been meaning to for a while- hopefully I'll be able to read and review the rest sometime when it's not the middle of the night ;)
Ooh I love how its second person! This was so haunting and lovely. Not lovely in an ooh fluffy way but lovely in a making me feel all strange and wrapped up in your plot. It had this strange kind of organized confusion to it... I can't really express exactly what is so fab about it (helpful, I know!), but really it was wonderful.
I think partly it was because it was, stylistically, very much my thing. I've always been fascinated with texts like this haha!
I also liked how she was losing her time to books- I have a tendency to do that, too, as I think many do on hpff, so that was a bit of an empathizer there, which I think allowed such beautiful and complicated writing to be more accessible to the everyday reader.
Thank you so much for giving me the chance to review this,
CharlieAuthor's Response: Hey there - thanks so much for stopping by! :) Yeah, reading things at midnight is not always the best, and I know I write pretty long chapters, so if you tried you'd probably be up for a while, lol, and sleep is precious. Yeah, second person was kinda weird for me when I started this - I'd actually never read or written anything in it before, but it was fun, so I continued... haha, don't worry about it - thank you so much! :)
I'm so glad you like the style - it was a completely new thing for me and I did worry that there was far too much description in it and not nearly enough stuff happening, so thank you for enjoying it!
Yeah, I do that to and I think it's pretty common on hpff, lol. I always wanted her to be fairly average and normal, and the books definitely play a part in this so it worked.
Thank you very much for the lovely review - seriously, it's just lovely :)
Aph xx Report Review
Ack this is getting so good and I'm still woefully ashamed that I'm behind on reading and reviewing when this is one of my favourite stories I've read in a really really long time! So this was a really interesting chapter and Molly's getting paranoid and ahhh I'm not sure whether I can hold in my excitement about this to levels which are appropriate for the amount of work I have to do (this is a revision break, damnit) but I LOVE the way you slowly have Malea beginning to take a bigger hold over Molly and the second person/third person stuff you have is just so clever and original and exciting.
Yup, this remains as one of my favourite stories and I can't wait to be reading on again soon (maybe after my essays completely finished I'll catch up properly!) Thaaanks for wriitng such entertaining and gripping brilliance :DAuthor's Response: Hey there! Thanks for stopping by and sorry for taking so ridiculously long to reply :)
Thank you so much! Yeah, she's getting paranoid - and I can tell you without spoiling anything that that's not going to ease up any time soon ;) Haha, I know what revision breaks are like - almost more stressful than doing actual revision, lol. Thank you - I never know if things are too subtle or too not, you know, so I'm so glad you mentioned that!
Thank you so much for the lovely, lovely review! :)
Aph xx Report Review
Okay so now that I'm all up to speed this is officially going in my favorites :) I just love this story! It's so interesting!
I cannot wait to see what you have in store for us next. Update soon! (:
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Wow, gosh, thank you so so much! :) I'm so glad you liked it - enough to review all the way through and also to add it to your favourites!
Thank you so much - updates on the way ;)
Aph xx Report Review
Oh my, it appears this book is really taking over. I really like how you're alternating between the two characters. I find Malea very interesting. I can't help but feel bad for her :/ It seems like she doesn't really have any friends, not to mention her infatuation with Rodolphus is worrisome. It's perfectly normal to have school girl crushes and all, but this seems obsessive and unhealthy!
Question: Is Narcissa significantly older/younger than Andromeda and Bellatrix? I was under the impression that she's only about 4 years younger than Bellatrix, but I'm not sure. I'm just wondering because you haven't mentioned her at all, so I can only assume she's not at Hogwarts at the same time as her sisters.
Anyways, as always I'm excited to read on! Excellent writing :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Haha, yeah it kinda is! Alternating is kinda hard - I lose track of where I am with one side and have to go back and check or whatever - but I'm glad you're enjoying it! Malea is... odd but nice, I think is the nicest way to put it, lol. And yeah, her obsession with Rodolphus is a bit creepy - but it's meant to be, so that's good ;)
No, Narcissa's age is the same as in canon - I think it's about four years, like you said - but she just hasn't really come up yet because Malea doesn't really notice her as such. I think she'll come in later, at least in passing. Thanks for mentioning that, though - I hadn't really thought much about Narcissa!
Thank you so much for the review! :)
Aph xx Report Review
Ah, I want to know the meaning of the headaches! Is she becoming almost addicted to the book, like she needs to read it? Or is it because Malea is intruding into her mind? Or both? Also, the bit about the lying at the end...are Malea's personality traits starting to rub off on her?
Must read more! haha
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Gah, this is so annoying! Honestly, I love your reviews so much because they make me smile and dance round the room because people are picking up on things, but then I hate that I can't answer any of your questions without giving things away... seriously. This is making me so so happy (again) :)
Aph xx Report Review
It appears things are heating up! I still can't get over how interesting and original this story is. I absolutely love it. I like how we're progressively finding out more and more about Malea Flint and this past world Molly is diving into every time she picks up the book. And I like how the strangeness of it all is slowly accumulating, almost like symptoms of a disease.
Malea seems an awful lot like Molly...is this perhaps why the book is affecting her so much?
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: It's kinda weird at times, writing two different eras and remembering what has and hasn't happened in each storyline, tbh, but it's kinda fun at the same time... you know, you've actually picked up on quite a lot in this chapter... hold onto those thoughts for later on ;)
Mm... possibly, possibly. I honestly can't say, but it seems like you're fairly well on the way to figuring it all out for yourself, lol :)
Thank you so much for the lovely review and for picking up on so much! :)
Aph xx Report Review
I loved this chapter! It feels like things are really picking up and getting to the heart of the story. I'm so eager to find out what's going on with this book! I like how it has to do with characters we already know from the past, such as the Black sisters and Rodolphus Lestrange. I wasn't expecting that at all, and my curiosity is through the roof now!
Can't wait to read more :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hey there and thanks! :) Yeah, things are beginning to pick up a bit, although you won't get answers to a lot of it until a bit later on. Haha, I love the Black sisters and that whole era, so I just had to include them and they seem to fit in all right... O.o
Thank you again! :)
Aph xx Report Review
Once again, lovely chapter :) Your writing style enthralls me. I must keep reading!
I thought it was interesting how you made Louis and Dominique twins, though I'm not really sure why, haha. In most of the fics I've read they make him the youngest, I think. One of the things I like about Next Gen is that you have so much more artistic freedom when it comes the characters and relationships and whatnot. I like how you portray all of the Delacour-Weasley siblings. You've given them each a distinct and original personality. I enjoy reading and learning about them more and more with every chapter. :)
I'll admit, I laughed out loud at the bit where Molly gets so horrified over the thought of talking to a boy. It reminds me of myself to be honest, since I'm already anxious over the thought of talking to people I don't know, let alone boys! It makes her seem like such a girl, haha.
I'm excited to read on and see what this mysterious book holds in store for Molly! The diary bit interests me, was it inspired by Riddle's diary, perhaps?
Thank you for writing such a lovely story (:
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Yeah, I dunno, just they seemed to work so much better as twins - and Louis was the name listed last on JK's family tree, so he's technically the youngest in canon. In this, he's youngest by about five minutes, lol. Gah, thanks again! I do love writing the Next Gen kids because, yeah, you can take them anyway you like and yet it's still a similar enough world, you know? I'm glad you like them all, though.
Haha, I know! It's such a typical response, I think, so I just had to include it. Besides, she's a fairly solitary person so it wouldn't have made that much sense for her to just march up to a boy and start talking, lol.
Ooh... yes... no... maybe ;) Yeah, it was inspired by Tom Riddle's diary - the idea that a book, although obviously we know it was a Horcrux, could hold that much power I thought was pretty fascinating, so I kinda wanted to use a similar idea. Similar, not the same, though ;)
Thank you for leaving such lovely reviews :)
Aph xx Report Review
Lovely, as usual. :) I love how you can keep me as the reader so invested so easily, even when there's very little going on. You just have that way of writing that makes me want to read more! I don't usually like reading chapter that are over 5,000 words long, but I love this story so much that I'm reading them diligently!
Once again, lovely writing! Can't wait to continue on :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Gah, thank youuu! :) Haha, yeah, I tend to write really long chapters where not much happens... I often go overboard with description, so I think that's where the word count goes, mostly... ;)
I don't really know what to say to this apart from thank you so so much! Seriously.
Aph xx Report Review
I'm back! Still really enjoying this story :) You write Molly excellently, it's very believable and you give here an interesting twist. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my previous review, but I really like how you're using second person. It's not very common in writing but you've done it wonderfully! Gives a whole new feel to the story and makes it stick out from the rest.
I must say, Molly really reminds me of Luna, especially since they're even in the same house. She's quirky and always off in her own mind just like Luna, except it seems a little more severely so. It almost seems unhealthy sometimes, and makes me wonder what exactly is to come in future chapters, especially after the little preview in the Prologue. The bit at the end about her being nervous and getting butterflies around the boy was cute, though. It made me smile, since it's almost a little reminder that despite all her oddities, Molly's still a normal girl. I'm interested in seeing where you take her character!
Lastly, I enjoyed the piece about James' strange tendencies at the dinner table. It seems very Weasley of him, to be so clumsy and loud, and it also serves to define him as a character, separate from all the other countless Weasleys. I think it's very important to try and do that with the Next Generation, since a lot of people tend to just focus on a select few and kind of mush the rest of the family together into one big entity. Defining interesting characteristics is good and helps definie him as a person!
Keep writing! I'm really enjoying this story (:
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hey there! Thanks for stopping by again - and I'm glad you're enjoying the story :)
They are kinda similar, I guess - they tend to stick to themselves, have their own little bubbles, etc. It's a comparison I've honestly never really thought about as in my mind she's really mostly a highly romantic and slightly dreamy version of Percy, lol. Mm... hold onto that unhealthy thought, is all I'm going to say on that ;) Yeah, haha, I liked writing that bit. I'm sure every girl has been like that when a boy talks to them, you know, and I'm so glad you think she's very much normal - as that's what I really wanted her to come across as!
Hehe... James comes up a bit later on as well ;) He's funny, I like him a lot. Besides, I'm sure we all know that one person who doesn't necessarily fall over a lot, but has a tendency to knock things over. So yeah, in this, that's James, lol. He gets a bigger spot in a later chapter, though, so hopefully if you get to that you'll enjoy it as well ;)
Thank you so much for the great review! :)
Aph xx Report Review
Wow. That's all I can say at the moment, wow. This is such an original and amazing idea... So intriguing! I love how you slowly reveal more and more information throughout the chapter, not giving too much away at once and leaving the reader craving for more by the end. I absolutely love this! Your descriptions are beautiful and I love how you're focusing on a character that doesn't get very much attention usually.
Must. Read. More!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Hey there! Thank you so much! :) I'm glad you liked it - it's my first real story (the first one I really like, at any rate, and are genuinely proud of), so it's kinda special to me. I know - I've seen so many stories about James or Al or Rose, but not many Molly stories... then again, that was probably a good thing, since I like writing about minor characters ;)
Thank you so so much for this lovely review!
Aph xx Report Review
Ahhh! I donít know why I keep taking long breaks between reading chapters! Honestly, it makes no logical sense cause every time I come back Iím always so drawn into the story and wanting to know whatís going to happen nextÖitís crazy.
This really is one of those stories that is so addicting once I get into it. I love the use of the different tenses, the two stories in one, how each flows into the otherÖyou really have a phenomenal style in this story and it gets to me every time. Between the style and your charactersÖthey so come to life in my head and itís so easy to forget which time period the story actually takes place in, though really it does occur in both time periodsÖ
And this chapter? My number one compliment is your imagery and the real life connections you add in. My favourite section of this chapter is: ďItís as if you think they canít possibly be showing the right time and that if you blink theyíll change back to the right time. They donít change at all, and, as you watch, the second hand ticks round past the number twelve. Another minuteís passed. Time marches on, relentlessly, unaware of your disbelief.Ē Like seriously, this is me every night. Iíll start working on something and Iíll get so absorbed that I lose track of time. I then usually end up looking at the clock around 1:30 or 2 in the morning and am like, seriously? I should have been in bed hours ago! I have early classes tomorrow! Itís just really awesome how you put in such simple connections like that, as it really helps to solidify Mollyís character in my head. I can totally imagine her character.
One thing I did notice a couple times, as the nitpicky reader I can be, there are some places in the chapter where it seems like you use commas when you really donít have to. And Iím not saying you have to fix them all and theyíre distractingÖbut they are something I notice and sometimes I have to reread sentence to make sure I understand them the way you intend the sentences to be ready. One example I have is this sentence: ďShe hadnít even blushed too much when Rodolphus had spoken to her, or made a fool out of herself.Ē It may just be the organization of this sentence but the pause that is supposed to be after Ďherí with that comma is just a bit awkwardly placed. You could probably just take out the comma but I donít knowÖit may just be the way Iím reading it too. But a little revision in comma use may be a good idea?
Otherwise, as Iím sure youíre sick of hearing from me, this was an excellent chapter! I really enjoyed it and may yet review another chapter before bed! Great job!
~Grimmerz Report Review
Hey! Back again. :)
There were a lot of little details in this that I really liked and that made the story rich and vibrant to me. I loved the mentions of her family members in the beginning - you worked them in in a way that felt realistic and natural, and through a short mention of the last time they were all at the Burrow you gave me a good sense of Molly's place in her extended family. Later, when she's at dinner, I also felt like her thoughts about James and Fred as well as her conversation with Louis helped expand on what was already mentioned in the library.
Your portrayal of Molly from the start was also quite strong. You didn't make the narrative so overpowering that I felt like you were hitting me over the head with it, but there were a lot of subtle little comments that went a long way. Little things like how she has practise and discipline in abundance, how she'd prefer to be anonymous sometimes, how she's not interested in the family meetings (which, incidentally, are a neat idea), how she tries not to read when she walks because she tends to walk into people... you've really painted a thorough picture of who Molly is as a person.
I also like the fact that you haven't just leapt headfirst into the plot. I like the fact that you have taken the time to just develop Molly as a character, especially since from the prologue it seems like it's going to be a fairly character-driven plot.
There was really only one issue I saw in the chapter.
While I liked second person in the prologue, the fact that you seem to be sticking with it for the rest of the story gives me pause. In some ways, I do like it - it keeps a removed, eerie kind of feeling that I think works well with Molly's character and with the subject matter - but in others, I think that it's a bit awkward. Some of your descriptions in particular don't really flow naturally (especially around the scene in the Great Hall), and I think it's in part because they're being told in second person.
I'm going to assume that you chose second person for a reason, especially since, as I said, I think it probably will work well with the overarching plot, so maybe there's a way you can rephrase your descriptions to make them work better for the pov you're using. As it is, I feel like you're just writing the way one normally would, and just switched "she" or "I" to "you." Because "you" is a different perspective, I don't think it really works as well as it could.
What would someone talking to Molly - who is fixated on Molly - be paying attention to? What would they be saying? As you talk about Louis - saying that his voice told her he was grinning, that he rolled his eyes, etc - why does this person care? Personalise it. You're doing a great job of characterising Molly, but I think the narrator should have some sort of character, too. Otherwise, what's the point?
That aside, though, this was another great chapter, and I really enjoyed it. :) Report Review
Hey! Sorry it's taken me so long - life got away from me. Ugh.
This was a great prologue. The prose was haunting and beautiful, and I thought that this was an excellent introduction to both the story and Molly herself. As a lit freak myself (which is oh-so-uncommon on HPFF, I know), the description of the library and Molly's feelings about books immediately pulled me in.
There were a few things stuck out to me as being a little awkward, though. As I said, the prose is lovely, but there were occasional mechanical things that felt a little awkward. For example, you capitalised "library" throughout the chapter, and I didn't really understand why - it's not a proper noun anymore than "dormitory" or "classroom" are. If it had a name (like the Forbidden Forest or the Great Hall), it would be capitalised, but as is, it just seemed unnecessary.
You also didn't always use dashes correctly - when you use two, it indicates an aside, and the part of the sentence before the first dash and the part after the second should fit together. In the third paragraph, Your exams are in just under five months, but you don't feel like it doesn't make sense. I think the second dash should be a comma.
I was also a little confused at the idea of Muggle books being in the Hogwarts library and especially the idea that Madam Pince is especially familiar with them. I always got the sense that most wizards know very little about Muggles or Muggle lit - I can see some books being included by Dumbledore or McGonagall, but not so many and to the extent that they'd be seen as "worn romances."
Okay. Those minor little things aside (sorry - you know me, I have to point them out. It's like a compulsion), this was amazing. I'm so intrigued and glad that this is for review swap so I have an excuse to read on, rather than adding it to my ever-growing "to read" list.
I think the thing that impressed me the most about this was how perfect it is as a prologue. For me, a prologue is supposed to reveal just enough to give you a sense of the world while still leaving many questions unanswered, so that you come back for more. The use of second person, the undercurrent of eeriness throughout the chapter, the few paragraphs about "she" - I just cannot praise this highly enough. I want to know where "there" is, and I want to know who "she" is, and I want to know what's going to happen to the girl and Molly. It's perfect.
As well, other than the couple minor issues I pointed out with the prose, this is beautifully written. There's a disconnected, slightly confusing sense to it, which IMO is a really good thing, because I feel like you're doing a great job of getting the reader into Molly's state of mind.
I'm glad that we were matched up. I think I'm going to enjoy this a lot. Report Review
It's True Author from Bronze vs Blue review battle! =]
First of all, I must say this story is kind of diffrent. You wrote it beautifully, creating the suitable atmosphere for your plot. This plot is different and maybe hard to understand in the first chapter but maybe I'll be linked to this after reading the next chapter. =]
Oh and I think you should work on Victoire's charachterization in this chapter. You can do small changes like you should describe her a bit more. I mean her expressions.
Otherwise this is an engaging story! Well done!Author's Response: Hey there and thanks for stopping by!
Gah, yeah it is a bit hard to understand at the moment - mostly because this is set about halfway through everything, so there's loads which has happened/is happening which you won't understand (and that was intentional, don't worry!). Sorry! I'm glad you liked the style though - it was just a whim when I started writing, so it's really great to hear that you think it works.
Yeah, Victoire's a bit weak in this one. She'll come up a lot more later, but I might end up coming back and fleshing her out a bit more... thanks for pointing that out! :)
Thanks so much for the lovely review!
Aph xx Report Review
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