Hello, Siriusy89 here with your criminally late review, for which I am so sorry!
Anyway, I’m here, and ready to review!
Oh! This is from Lily’s point of view! I like I, I like it very much. The subtle beginning, just her talking about her summer flowed nicely into her talking about her relationship with Severus, something I really like!
She sort of see’s Severus as the innocent person in all this, in the sense that she seems to think that Severus didn’t know what the others were capable of, and then again maybe he didn’t, but I just think its Lily’s way of justifying her staying friends with Severus despite it all.
The memories were such a nice touch. I loved the one about James and the grapes! Or then Severus protecting Lily from Petunia (because lets face it, Petunia was a nasty piece of work!) Then, when the cracks begin to show in the relationship, and you can see them both floundering to try and salvage it, when really there’s nothing they can do.
Sorry, I just have to mention it, the memory of James and Lily in the library, priceless!
Severus probing around in Lily’s mind was beyond creepy. If it had been me, I would’ve run a mile, but I suppose she was his best friend and all that jazz . . . still. . .
Urgh, Petunia. She just needs to get over herself! But hey, at least Lily’s meeting up with Alice, so that might take her mind off of Severus and what a rubbish friend he is!
And we’re back to James’ point of view! I love Tibbs, and him/her giving poor old Sirius a mini heart attack. The banter between Sirius and James is something I always enjoy, but especially in this story, as you seem to have gotten their relationship balance just right! Gah!
Oh? James is a right brainiac isn’t he? I like that he didn’t just get ‘Out standing’s’ in everything, and I felt as if you really had taught out everything! I love well-planned things! Yay!
And I will bet you anything they’re going to run into Lily in Diagon Alley!
And back to Lily’s point of view! I like Alice, she seems like a very level-headed individual, and she didn’t sympathise with Lily, telling her that her actions towards James were right considering how upset she was, she told it like it was, and I greatly respect her for that!
I can’t wait to see what she says to James!
Another great chapter, feel free to re-request! Report Review
This is great! Looking forward to the next bit :) Report Review
WRONG WINDOW, DURSLEY!! Haha love it! This is really good! The part with Lily's dream was great. You had me believing it was real for a while there! I like the descriptiveness and the creativity in this chapter especially. In my opinion, it could be moving along a little faster though...
but I am enjoying it a lot :)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for enjoying the chapter. I know the story runs slower but I don't want to rush the characters, hopefully you'll keep reading though :) Thanks again. Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here again! :)
Once again, I really like the descriptive details you include, such as this visualization of Lily and Severus's tree: "Its leaves often formed a trellis that filtered the sunlight into small patches of gold while we would sit in the cool shade reading..." I'd love to see other senses worked into the story. What do they hear? Smell? Taste?
I caught one sentence fragment that I might fix: "It was a long time before he realised this and when he did. A few weeks before our OWL exams began he confronted me about us..." I think on this case I would join the two sentences together.
I really like the confrontation between Lily and Severus, especially: "he tried to put a small coy smile upon his face hiding the rest safely behind a mask he'd recently adopted." Could this be a reference to him learning occlumency?
There was one spot in the dialog that seemed out of character for Severus: "Cos I've been dying to tell you about this new spell-" To me, "Cos" just seems too casual for him, even when he's talking to Lily. I think he would pronounce the entire word.
I love that you worked Petunia into the story. She's so rarely mentioned, yet is important to Lily's development. This line is especially funny: "We both hated the holidays for the exact same reason. Each other."
There was one aspect about Lily's POV that I question: "The guilt I felt was threatening to overpower me." I understand that Lily would regret being so harsh to James after he'd helped her, but considering all the bullying he'd done over the years, I think her feelings about the whole situation would be more conflicted.
The chance encounter between her and James at the end has me interested to keep reading and find out what will happen between them next. :)Author's Response: Hey again!
So sorry for the late response. Wow I really love this review :) Thank you so much.
I am trying to work in more sensory detail into the chapters but keep editting them out because it just seems so long and distracting. I'll try to find a balance though! Thanks.
Thanks for pointing out the kinks, I will try to iron those out with my next edit.
Haha thanks, I think Petunia is a great character and we shouldn't let our personal feelings about her get in the way of her getting interaction in the story because her past is largely unexplored and it would be interesting to see how she got from Lily's childhood best friend to Harry's horrible aunt. :S At least I think so.
Thanks so much for this wonderful review! I shall return hopefully to your review thread soon :) Report Review
Hello, Elphaba here with your requested review.
The first thing I noticed in this chapter is your great use of descriptive words, especially the sense of touch: "My finger trailed along the vane of my quill letting the barbs brush past. The Anti-cheating quills provided were always very scratchy and blunt." I love to see sensory details like this. :)
There are also some occasional moments with awkward phrasing that I might change, like this one: "My mind wandered boundless." Is his mind boundless? Or is its wandering boundless? I might rephrase this as "My boundless mind wandered..." or "My mind wandered boundlessly."
Here is another example of something I might tweak: "Falling back into boredom I returned to my parchment sitting in front of me wondering how slow time moved."
I think commas or a period could be used to break this thought up, and instead of "... how slow time moved" I might try "...how time could move so slowly."
In the scene at the lake, I really enjoyed your description of James with the snitch, "like a giant holding a tiny little person." It's something that I never would have thought of, and it is entirely fitting.
My favorite scene in this chapter is James and Lily studying together in the common room. Your describe the setting in way that I could clearly picture it, and their dialog feels natural. I think this is the most well-written section of the chapter.
"If you didn't exist, he'd still be my friend." -- Wow, I wasn't expecting Lily's anger at the end, but I like that she didn't give in to his charms so easily, even after studying together all night. :)
Sorry for my tardiness with this review! I will definitely be back to review more chapters very soon. :)Author's Response: Hi dear! Thank you so much for coming by to review! I'm so sorry about taking forever to respond. I just needed the time to sit down and type out a thanks.
Firstly I'm really thrilled that you like the sensory detail. It's hard to get the balance between just enough and overzealous, so thank you for that! And also thank you for all the tips on sentence construction, I shall be mindful of it in the future.
I'm really glad you liked their 'studying scene', I wanted it to be a little heartfelt.
Thanks again for the review :) I'm glad you liked it.
AAARGH! James and Lily need to get together!!! I can't wait for the next chapter :DAuthor's Response: Oh my! Don't you worry it's canon and therefore will happen :P Please let me know what you think of the rest of the chapters when you return! Thank you so much. Report Review
Hello there, Siriusly89 with your very, very late requested review. I am so sorry about the wait, and hopefully, should you choose to request again, it won’t take quite as long!
Anyway, I’m here, ready as ever to review!
I like that you showed us this specific scene through James eyes. To be honest, I never really understood how Harry didn’t get what ‘L.E’ stood for in OOTP. Now come on, really?
One thing I really liked was that you made sure to describe James’ fascination with Lily in a way typical to teenage boys. I don’t care what anyone says, no fifteen year old can be in love, yes it can grow into love when they get older, but it’s just not possible. And then sometimes you read these stories where James is professing his undying love for Lily, without even explaining how he came to feel like this about her and it just annoys me. Whereas in this, while it is obvious James likes Lily a lot, it’s because she’s a pretty girl whom he annoys to get her attention, but who he secretly likes. The end.
Poor James’ conscience finally seems to be catching up with him. Lily’s competitive side is also very endearing, because sometimes she’s painted as a bit of a saint-like figure, you know, loved by all, hated by none, whereas in my mind at least, she’s a bit like Hermione. You know, can’t really handle not being the best at something, and if she’s rubbish at something, she writes it off as a waste of time.
James is a secret smarty! I loved their discussion on the Transfiguration question, in a way, it was sort of him showing Lily that he’s not the worst person in the world through a common interest. And it was just one of those ‘awh’ moments.
Gah! Well Lily’s mood has done a 360 turn around, hasn’t it? I know that, theoretically, it is sort of James’ fault, but in all fairness it did show her what type of person Severus really was. I can understand her being mad at James, but her last comment was just harsh.
I am now very intrigued!
Feel free to re-request!Author's Response: Hi there! Thank so very much for coming by to review my story.
I'm really glad you liked James's point of view and his thoughts towards Lily and I really love that you enjoyed the Transfiguration moment.
I do really hope you wouldn't mind my requesting again! I would really love to hear of your opinion for the next chapters as well :)
Thank you so much once again Report Review
LOVE IT! When is part two coming! I like the fact that James is friends with a Slytherin.. kind of.. And that he will eventually get close to Lily too. (Enough to cry all evening about them as told to Sirius in a letter in book 7) Of course you all ready know that!!! **Excited to hear rest of the story**Author's Response: Hi :) Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I'm currently writing part II so I can't unfortunately predict a date but I will try to get it out sooner than last time :P Hopefully you'll enjoy the rest. :) Report Review
Oooh, I really liked this first chapter! I actually loved that you included that whole scene from the books, from James' point of view because, for me, it somehow made this whole chapter seem a lot more real.
Your characterizations are great, especially of James and Sirius, and Lily has just the right amount of sweet and sour.
Nice first chapter!
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for the review :) I'm really glad you liked James's POV of the Mudblood Scene, it was interesting to write :)
Thank you so much again! Report Review
I'm here with a requested review!
I really liked this chapter! I loved the fight between James and Lily, what she said was well writtened.
You kinda left a cliffhanger since the chapter titile has 'part one' so the reader is into the story. Good writing!Author's Response: Hey Carolynn,
Thank you so much for all the reviews :) I'm glad you like the characters and where the plot is heading. I hope other readers will be equally happy with the update. Thanks again for taking your time to review. Report Review
I'm here with a requested review!
Good chapter, it was intersting to read in a new point of veiw. It gives the reader new veiws on the story when the author changes point of veiws.
It adds alot of drama. So I suggest you do this often, it works good in a love story. Good writing! Report Review
I'm here with a requested review!
I liked the chapter, a bit of a filler, but still good. I liked the prank.
I also like how you're protraying James, he seems a little shy since he said 'err.' He seemed very confindent with what we saw in the books so good job making him have a shy kind of personality! Good writing! Report Review
I'm here with a review!
I thought 'the moment' was good. It's always nice to have the furture couple talk while you know that they'll get together. Good writing! Report Review
You're update was like a gift to me.^^ I had just finished my last university exam, switched on the computer and there it was. :D
Today I finally had the time to read it and I really like it!
This time, it is not the meetings of James and Lily that I like best, but the way you make James think over his attitudes and his behavior. You manage to describe it very authentically. Particularly the encounter with Teddy is very interesting.
And it's cute that Lily somehow always remarks that James looks good.^^
I really can't wait for the next update. It's unnerving if reviewers write that but your story is the one I check for updates most frequently - it's my favorite at the moment. If there wasn't any word count, I wouldn't believe that this part is as long as the last ones. I was done reading far too quickly. :)
I hope you take delight in writing on. ;)
Amira ;)Author's Response: Ah my dear, you always make my day with your reviews! I hope your exam went well.
I love that this is one of your favourites! I can hardly believe it but wow it's amazing to hear that it is! I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter love, and I hope you keep reading!
Thank you so much for coming back :) Report Review
I'm here with a review! Just for a heads up, I didn't get a good sleep last night so forgive me if I missed anything.
On to the chapter, this one had some drama in it which good because it keeps the reader intersted. That all I have to say since this chapter is a bit of a filler. Good writing! Report Review
I love this story and I was really happy when you posted this chapter! I can't wait for more!!Author's Response: Thank you so much love, I'm glad you liked it :) Report Review
I'm here with a requested review!
I liked the first bit of Lily's point of view, it was intersting reading about their friendship. Good writing! Report Review
I'm here with a requested review!
I love the detail! I don't see that often. Expressily in first person!
I like the characters, very much like the books
And, I like that you put some lines from the book to. Good writing! Report Review
AH-MAZING CHAPTER! such a good update, i completely loved all of the lily/james drama :)Author's Response: Thank you very much dear :) Much appreciated! Report Review
ARE YOU KIDDING?!?! thats all there is?? PLEASE keep writing! this is sooo good, one of the best ive read on this site!! seriously, PLEASE KEEP WRITING AND DONT GIVE UP. PLEASE. i beg you. (quote snape) heheeh xAuthor's Response: You don't even realise the difference you've made with this review of yours! Thank you so much :) I've been procrastinating and hesitating with the next chapter and now? well you'll be pleased to know the next chapter is in queue :D Thank you so much for reading and enjoying it! I hope the next chapter doesn't let you down. Report Review
I really like the James and Lily love hate relationship, but I really don't care about Mary and Mulciber, great chapter though!Author's Response: Thank you Malfoy ;) Report Review
This chapter made me laugh very very hard. You are very witty and it is refreshing to read. I'm very curious about Mulciber and Mary so please tell. I have a couple of suspicions but can't be completely sure. Keep writing!Author's Response: Thank you very much :) I'm glad you're curious about Mulciber and Mary hope you get some answers in the next chapter that's being written right now :) Report Review
Hello! I'm True Author with your requested review! =]
I love James/Lily! :) They're one of my favorite characters from the potterverse, so I'm always open to them.
Anyway, let's get back to your story. First off, I really enjoyed reading this, as this has an attractive summary, beginning and plot. You've re-written a scene from Harry Potter from your main character's PoV, which is something most people don't do. You've done a good job, but just try to make it a bit original. Well, I know that you added things of your own, but I'd be lovely if you'll add something original like you can explore the paper and James' thoughts about "L.E."
Your grammar and punctuation is good, but I found some small typos, so you can just check them out again. :) They're very very easy to fix, but clarity improves your chapter.
I loved some details from your chapter! For example- how James said, "Women" just like Harry; how you made his thought linger over lots of things at the same time- which is a very different characteriation of James Potter- and how he accidently wrote "L.E". :) Oh and I must say your story is quite interesting and makes the reader curious. It's hard to bring curiosity in a plot we almost know, so that's great!
A very good Jily fic! :DAuthor's Response: Hello dear, thank you so much for your lovely review! I must apologise for my incredible delay in response. Thank you kindly for your compliments they are much appreciates, as is your advice :) They will definitely help me better this story. Report Review
Hi there! You requested this review quite some time ago, and I'm really sorry I only got round to it now!
This story seems really interesting :D I love that its in James' point of view, but its different to any others I've ever read! I like how you started it in fifth year instead of say, seven when they are already going out, so now we get to see how their relationship evolved! I will most definitely be favouriting this story and reading it over the next week or two :D If you ever want any more reviews, you know where I am :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review Siriusly89 :) I appreciate your compliments I'm glad you liked it :D Report Review
It's about time to tell you that I simply love your story! :)
I think you're one of the few authors who are able to picture James' and Lily's behavior realistic and loyal to Rowling's idea of them. People tend to exaggerate if they write about James and Lily, especially because there are so many stories about them already.
Your story is special, I really enjoy reading it. :)
I actually had to laugh out laugh at some points, much to the confusion of my sister.^^
It's funny that all of them are simply NOT perfect and continue to make stupid mistakes, just like all people at this age do.
And you really are creative about the Marauder's jokes. They are really funny! I actually never achieved in writing about a Marauder prank that I considered to be this funny. ;)
I really hope you update soon, I really can't wait to read on. ;) The Mulciber/Mary-thing seems to be interesting.
Unfortunately, I'm a person who always needs to get rid of everything on her mind, so ... there is one thing about your story I'd like to draw your attention to. I recognized that you appear to plan to match Sirius with Quinn and Remus with Edith (and perhaps even Peter with one of Lily's friends). As mentioned previously, I think your story is great because it is reaistic, not exaggerated. It already appears to be an enormous fortune that Lily and James, they of all people, were chosen to be the DADA professor's assitants. If of all girls at Hogwarts Lily's friends miraculously start to date James' friends, I would judge it as extremely ... fluffy - it would be a bit like the endings of my Mum's romance novels. :D
I don't know what you plan in reality, I just wanted to tell you about my impression. ;)
Up to know, I think your story is among the top three of all Lily/James stories I ever read - and I occasionally read them since 2009, in English and German, on four websites. ;)
Thanks so much for that story, which made me good-humored, although the sky looks like the sun will never shine again at the moment - fall weather, urg. :D
AmiraAuthor's Response: Thank you so much Amira for your kind, honest and thoughtful review :) I cannot thank you enough for the lovely praise you've given this story! It's made me speechless! Thank you, so very much. :D
I really really appreciate your honesty and your concerns and to put your mind at ease I can assure you that everyone of Lily's friends will not automatically immediately be paired off with the Marauders and start falling in love with them and vice versa. There is much drama to come and while the chapter has been drafted I've decided to make some plot changes which requires a bit of shifting about of certain scenes of the next few chapters. But I will try to get the next chapter out before Christmas (You've inspired me!)
Thank you again. I hope HCW continued to honour the high regard you have for the story :)
~Cali Report Review
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