That was honestly amazing! I am speachless! 10/10
~ Eilidh xxAuthor's Response: Oh wow! Thank you so much - you really made my day! :) Keira :) Report Review
Hello, Siriuslover177 here,
This was an AMAZING story... oh my goodness. When you were describing everything in the beginning, that was absolutely amazing. It kept me on the edge on my seat the entire time.
And when everyone came in, to see if she was okay, I was getting chills, because she was in so much pain, and everyone was trying to help her, but there was nothing they could do.
And when her parents found out why she was freaking out, I felt so bad for them, because they seemed as if they were done with this phobia. That they just wanted it to end.
I understand why, because they most likely don't like seeing their daughter in pain, and because George, he had his best friend, his brother die, and now he is reminded daily about death by his daughter.
I feel really bad for Roxanne, because it is so hard on her. The ending truly broke my heart, how she was saying how she can fake it while it is light outside, but that once the night comes out, she is done for.
It was so powerful, and such and amazing story. I really, really liked this, great job.
Thank you for entering my challenge, and good luck.
XxxxAuthor's Response: Hi Sarah,
Thank you so much! I'm so glad that you really understand where I'm coming from with this one-shot. I was originally worried that it might seem too much - too much detail or over the top, and I'm glad you don't seem to think so.
With this kind of disorder, I think the main feeling is being overwhelmes - almost that you can't cope, but you have to.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this and I look forward to the results :)
Keira x Report Review
Wow, I think this was a really powerful and moving one shot.
You did an amazing job of really helping me feel what Roxy was feeling, and every sentence seemed to terrify me as much as it did her. I loved the repetition of 'I'm going to die' and 'just breathe.'
okay, so the next part I have is a bit of CC and it's totally opinion based, feel free to take it with a grain of salt. The Weasleys were raised by very loving attentive parents. Parents really understand their child, even if they might not know exactly what's going on, a good parent will always know when something has 'gone too far.' With that being said, I don't see her being in this desperate of the situation without some serious intervention from her parents.
Obviously intervention wouldn't cure it, bit I do see them taking some kind of serious action to gain the tools of how to help it. I think that George saying - you know what the therapist said, or - you know what the hearler said - you just need to _ . To show that they were taking this seriously, because I think any parent would regardless of if their child is trying to hide it from them .
Like I said, that's totally just an opinion and takes nothing away from your writing. This was a truly amazing piece that grew more powerful with every sentence.
JamiAuthor's Response: Hi Jami,
Thank you very much for reviewing! It was really kind of you both to offer! :D
Oh, I'm really glad you experienced this alongside Roxy (though hope you weren't scared too much!).
Yey, CC :D That's a really interesting perspective and I completely understand where you're coming from. In my mind, they're very aware of the situation but just not of how much its bothering her. Most people have never heard of thanatophobia - and therefore her having panic attacks or refusing to sleep could just be a way of attention-seeking (as horrible as it may sound). I think they'd be aware but just not fully appreciate how bad it has come.
There would be a stopping point at some point - a moment of realisation. From that, I imagine they'll seek help for her. This is kind of the 'calm before the storm'. :P
I do fully appreciate what you're saying and I was considering to extend this one-shot, so if I decide to continue then I will definitely address this much more!
Thanks so much for leaving such an in-depth review! Keira :) Report Review
Hello there. I'm sorry your review is a bit late, but you already know the result.
I notice this story instantly because of it's great description. You went deep into Roxanne's emotions, and this made me feel everything she felt. You transfer her emotions to me, and not many writers can do that.
I absolutely love how you show her dealing with this fear, rather than her running scared away. I think that gives this story a great message too: To face your fears rather than running away from them. The fear of death is really difficult to write, because I think that's something many deals with. I think we all feel that way sometimes. And you portrayed it amazingly. Your depth and your description makes it seem so real, and gives me shivers. I felt her desperation, fear and panic. That is writing at it's best :D
What makes this story so different from the others in the challenge, is that you transfer something to me, and the story give me something. It's hard to write about a fear, especially when you might not fear it yourself, but it's even harder to make the reader feel the fear that this character feels. But you did that!
Thank you for an amazing entry to my challenge, and you really deserved to win. I hope to see many great stories from you in the future as well.
LadyL8Author's Response: Hi! :)
Oh don't worry about that - we all have RL afterall. :P
Thank you very much - that was my original aim with this story. I really wanted the reader to experience what Roxanne was going through and how in her own way she attempts to face it without burdening anyone else.
Thank you so much for your kind review - I hope it didn't scare you too much! It was a great challenge - I had fun! :P
Keira :) x Report Review
This was a very gripping depiction of the phobia and how it deeply affected your character. I had never heard of thanatophobia before this. So thank you for that.
The repetition of your words was a really good choice. I could sense the panic... like a panic attack almost, but deeper, because logically, she knew where it was coming from. To me, that made it even more scary. And having her hide how it affected her physically was a good choice too, showing that she was trying, in her own way, to gain some control over it.
Well done!Author's Response: Hello :)
Well thank you very much... and I guess you're welcome? :P
I'm so glad that it came across that Roxanne was trying to fight the phobia - in her own way. I was very cautious that it might appear like she was just a victim to the 'monsters'.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! :)
Keira :) Report Review
It's InTheShadowsIDwell from the forums here with your review tag review! As someone who is interested in phobias I just couldn't skip over this one, I've actually read a few pieces for phobia challenges but I think what really stood out for me about yours was the fact that it was so different and so dark and almost scary. It really took the phobia and made me almost feel afraid as well, and that's something that really came out so wonderfully with the writing.
I loved your use of descriptions and how you really managed to capture that fear with them, it was like I was right there witnessing the whole thing. I also really like how you explained how the fear came to exist, and the link it has to the past and someone she never knew. This was really beautifully written and I noticed no grammatical/spelling errors which is great! :) I also loved your characterization of these characters, it was just so interesting to see how they all react to Roxanne's fear and how each responded to the situation!
Well done on a really interesting and really well written piece, I really enjoyed reading it!Author's Response: Hello! :)
Woah - ah that's brilliant! Well.. not that it nearly scared you... but you know what I mean! :P
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I love hearing what you think of this story! :)
Keira :) Report Review
Wow. That was really good!
My heart is still beating really fast. Woah.
Okay, I love this. The way you brought forth the emotions and incorporated a childish fear with a deeper more painful one. I love the way you used ethe memories and the monsters as well, and half the time you are overtaken by her fear and almost mimicking her actions. I started breathing quickly as if I could help her...
There is some intense emotions in here and I really love the way you wrote it.
It is so powerful.
Your a brilliant writer :)Author's Response: Wow. Thank you so much! That means so much! :)
I also reacted alongside Roxanne - and I was creating it! :P Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
This was such a great one-shot. I could really fell Roxanne's emotions and terror. At first I was confused as to what she was scared of, I thought the monsters were a memory of something that happened to her. I understood after a while though, after she continued to think of death. I loved the line
"It was funny in a way; I would die for them in an instant. I would take whatever punishment in the world to protect my family. I could be brave for them, but not for myself."
That line is just so touching, so Roxanne. I could see her saying that, such a Weasley. Great job, this was so touching.
Santa :)Author's Response: Thank you so much :) I'm glad you like it! I can't wait to find out who you are! Happy New Year :D Report Review
Oh my gosh.
That even scared me.
That was wonderful.
Definitely adding this to my favourites!Author's Response: Sorry about the scare :P
Thank you - I'm glad you enjoyed it! Keira :D Report Review
Hey, this is apocalypse, here with your review! Firstly! An apology for so late for your review. I have had very hectic schedule and was unable to review. I hope I'm forgiven =)
So starting with your areas of concern. Yes, you have done okay, or say brilliantly with the dark theme! =) It was a very well executed story and I have to tell you that I could actualy feel her fear. Thanatophobia. I knew there was a phobia of death just didn't know the name. Now I know that too =)
The emotion definitely did come over very well and I have to say that it was a bit overwhelming sometimes. I mean, yes, your story's emotions should touch us and make us feel the same but they shouldn't seem exaggerated. There were points, for instance, her shouting out, that made it seem like they were unnecessary and your story could have survived without them. However, that's just what I think and I believe that your story was very good just like it is.
The pace is okay. It's a one-shot so the pace matters more as you have to explain more and give more background information and keep the flow in check. With respect to that, the pace of the chapter was very good and all her thoughts and feelings flowed very well. However, the flow was disrupted by the frequent changes in tense. I don't think you did that on purpose as it was very disconcerting to read one tens in a sentence and then another in the next. It's not the biggest issue ever but it could be better if you work on it =)
The characterisation was also not bad at all! I haven't read many stories on Roxanne's character so it was good to see a story on her. I was very happy with your choice of character! Most next-gens are on Dom, Rose, Scorp, James or Albus and only mention character like Roxanne in passing. It was good to see her here. As to her parents' characterisation: It was spot on. There acted like parents and their confusion and uncertainty as to what to do about her was perfect.
A very well thought out story and and excellent way of executing it! Keep it up! Once again, really sorry for the late review! Until next time, good luck and happy writing! =DAuthor's Response: Thank you very much :) Nawh, don't worry about that :D
Oops..yep I tend to have a slight bit of trouble with tenses! I always tend to tense-hop!
Thanks for the really helpful review! Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! I am lame, but I am also here now, and hopefully will be forgiven.
First, I want to point out a few mechanical things.
You seemed to use "breathe" as both a noun and a verb, which isn't correct. "Breathe" is the verb, and "breath" is the noun.
You also occasionally jumped around between tenses. This chapter seemed to generally be written in past tense, but in the second paragraph, you wrote, "An owl hoots outside," which is present, and in the paragraph starting, "What if I wake up," you say, "My eyes dart," rather than "My eyes darted." It's not a huge deal, but it's just something to take a look at.
Your punctuation and phrasing was also sometimes a little off. For example, in the fifth paragraph, there should be a period after "moaned," and another one after "Please." You had a fair number of run-ons as well - not huge deals, but definitely worth looking over.
Bit of personal disclosure here: I do have panic attacks sometimes, and I had a crippling phobia that I only started to truly deal with after I turned 20, so my standards for dealing with this kind of story might be a little high. Feel free to take everything with a grain of salt. (Or more.)
It's very difficult to present a phobia like this, and you definitely didn't choose the easy way out by portraying it as a panic attack rather than avoidance. On the whole, I thought that you did a pretty good job - your descriptions of the setting really helped to set the mood and make the story come off very creepy.
However, I did feel like you could have gone a little deeper with it. You didn't really describe her voice, other than saying that she was moaning, and something that can really bring this sort of attack to life is the way a person sounds. Details about Roxanne's voice, or just describing her state of mind as she's talking, would really add to the realism and mood of the piece.
Some of that is just organization. In the fifth paragraph, for example, I'd suggest that rather than clumping all of her words together at the beginning, you try to spread them out across the paragraph. That would help add to the impact of each statement. The paragraph might then read something like this:
["Please, please just stop!" I moaned. But the images didn't stop, they pounded against my brain, forcing my to think of nothing else. "Please! Just stop!" The fear continued to spread and my hands shook. "Please."]
Maybe you don't think it makes a difference or that this is more awkward, I don't know. That's just my take. Because when a person is having a panic attack, their words are really loaded, I think that you should try to milk each one for all it's worth. What you have is good - I just wanted you to go the extra step.
There were also a few points where I thought that you took it a little too far. Roxanne's biting her blanket to keep from screaming in particular seemed too exaggerated - muffling her sobs, sure, but the idea that she has so little control and is freaking out so much that she's literally screaming seemed a bit much. It was okay later on, when everyone wakes up, because you built it up to that, but before that, it just didn't make sense to me.
I thought that her encounter with everyone else after the incident was fine, other than that I thought that you made them a bit too surprised. All of her aunts and uncles probably wouldn't come in either way, because the last thing you want when you've had a nightmare is to be surrounded by a million people. Additionally, if this has been happening for two years, most of them - especially her brother - would have probably been sympathetic, but not uncertain or confused. The conversation with her parents in particular, however, was great - they clearly weren't really sure how to approach it all, and that was excellent.
I hope this was helpful. Sorry again if I'm being hypercritical - I really do think you've got a great start here. If you have any questions, as always, please PM me, and I'm sorry again that I am lame and slow.Author's Response: You are officially amazing! Thank you so much for these reviews - they're always so helpful and I'm learning each time! :)
I've changed the 'Breathe' bits and it is now hopefully all the same tense - I have a lot of trouble with that! And.. argh, just remembered I haven't included the 'PLease' bit - I'm an idiot!
I'll put it in, in the next re-edit :P
I've got some experience with this aswell, so have to admit it freaked me out slightly writing this! Hm, I didn't think of that at the time, but looking back on it - I'd imagine that she got pretty good at hiding it?
Thanks so much for the incredibe review!! Report Review
Hi Keira, I've already reviewed The Mirror's Reflection so I'll respond to your plea for help via this fic!
First of all, does the uni you're applying to accept FF?
If it does, then I would send them The Mirror's Reflection. It shows better characterisation, plot and is the most original perspective ever.
If they don't accept FF, then submit this fic (if you don't want to write a new OF), but change some names around or maybe write a similiar fic to The Mirror's Reflection, because I genuinely think that anyone who can write from a mirror's POV is truly talented :P
The phobia Until the monsters came is a very clever, interesting almost creepy one. You describe it very well, but it sometimes lacks some of the depth it could have.
SO there's my op! Hope it helps! :D xAuthor's Response: Hello :)
Sorry for not replying immediately! It got a bit hectic!
1) the Uni never said not-ff.. so I assumed it was alright but have offered to send them something else if they wanted. I sent Mirror's Reflection off in the end, like you suggested!
Thank you so much for your help, and thanks for the compliments :D I've posted on your wall at the forums, so just say which fic you'd like :)
Thanks again :) Report Review
This is a really gorgeously-written one-shot. I personally never knew anything about Thanatophobia - actually, I don't know much about any phobia. I know what they consist of, obviously, but I don't have one myself so it's difficult to feel empathy when you have no idea what they're going through. That's one of the reasons I love this so much. You've completely delved into exactly what she was feeling, and I feel like I was feeling all of her emotions along with her.
This may sound a bit odd, but I loved the use of italics! It fit perfectly with the writing, and although I generally find that direct thoughts seem a bit out of place in writing like this, they absolutely didn't here.
I also love the use of "the monsters" as a metaphor for her fear, and how she tries to hide it from everyone she knows.
Loved it all, congratulations! I have to say, this was lovely to stumble across in a 'review for review' situation, and yet I'm so glad I did because it's not something I would normally have read! + favourites.
Megan xoAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! That means a lot! And I'm glad you enjoyed the italics ;)
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
It's me from the forums with your review!
So if you were going for something dark and creepy you definetely succeeded. The imagery of the owl and the creaking noises in the first paragraph did a great job of setting the tone, and all throughout you maintained a very good frightening and mysterious tone for the story.
You did an excellent job at portarying Roxanne's emotions, most specifically the pure, raw terror she was experiencing. You could really feel her fear and it relaly outs you on the dge of your seat. On a side note, I was picturing Roxanne being very young at the time of the story, and then when you mentioned she was 13 at the time I was a little surprised, but then that actually made the story scarier for me knowing that she should have been old enough to know better.
Great job writing a scray story, I definetely wouldn't want to be alone at night while reading this!Author's Response: Hello :)
I originally wasn't planning on it being so dark - if you can believe it, it got rejected twice for being too graphic, so this is a toned down version! :P
I'm glad you didn't read it at night and alone - some of the others have.. and I feel bad :P
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Hi! This is Chocolate_Frog here with your requested review! (Warning: Be prepared for a review littered with smileys and lame attempts at jokes! Oh yeah, and CC? That too.) :)
First of all, some nitpicky stuff, because that's how I roll xD :
+ Deep breathe in. Deep breathe out. Deep breathe in. Deep breathe out.
^ All of these "breathe"s should actually be "breath". The first is a verb, as in "Breathe in and out", and the latter is a noun, as in "take deep breaths". This is a pretty common mistake, so no worries. :)
+ The fear continued to spread and my hands shook, with a desperate attempt to escape,
^ The first comma is unneccessary; the sentence is actually better off without it. Also, the second comma is better off as a period. So, basically, I'm being a Hitler for commas in this sentence. Eliminate! xD
+ The younger children ran from the room eagerly, the older children stayed, biting their lips and swapping between looking at me and looking at each other.
^ This is currently a comma splice. Maybe you should add "while" after the first comma, or replace it with a semicolon.
That aside, I have to say that this one-shot was tremendously well written. Usually, at times like this, I'd say I 'enjoyed' it, but "enjoyed" doesn't seem like the right word, now does it? Not when Roxy is having such a terrible time... I'm not that sadistic. :P
Anyway, I really love your descriptions in this; I could almost feel like I was in the same room as Roxy and the others (My poor eardrums...) so great job on that! Something that could have made it better, though, was a bit of background on why she feels that way. Did something happen two years ago to trigger this? Somehow I think it doesn't seem likely that she thought up it all while on the swings...
Other than that, it was a great one-shot! Good job! :)
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hello! Yes, I'm finally responding! I've just sent the chapter off for validation - so thank you so much for your help! I've changed all your points!
This was a brilliant review, so thank you so much for all your help :)
Oh.. and as for her reason.. I'm working on it xD Report Review
Whoa. That was dark. Very dark.
Okay...this story is really scary. I don't fear death but reading this story suddenly makes me think how I'm going to die (not in the waters, I hope.)
The pace is perfect. I can't say much about it since the story is just a one-shot but the order of events combined with the dialogues and descriptions are great.
The characterisation is fantastic! Especially Roxanne's and the little voice/monster in her head.
I'm so sad that this is just a one-shot but I think that's a good thing. Having another chapter would ruin the whole 'dark' effect.
Overall, great effort and I love the story! 9/10.
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Ah! Sorry about that! I was abit freaked out writing it, I have to admit :P
Yes, I wondered about another chapter but have decided against it - just like my other one-shot 'The Mirror's Reflection', some things are best left as one-shots!
Thanks so much for the review :) Report Review
I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. 'I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to DIE. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I DON'T WANT TO DIE!'
Holy. That scared the stuffing out of me (I'd use a stronger word but I can't in order to keep this 12+). That section right there. I could HEAR her screams. You literally just made my skin crawl and I'm home alone. Figured I'd take a break from studying and this is what I read. Now, I'm afraid to be here alone and I'm terrified of going to bed tonight. Thank you for giving me nightmares.
I'm in the same challenge and I actually have the same fear and our stories couldn't be any more different. While you really delve into this at such a deep level I did not and I'm glad I didn't because I was freaked out reading this. I don't want to imagine how you felt writing this.
I think the descriptions were on point. You really got the fear across and then some. You went the extra mile and really poked inside her brain. I could feel everything she was feeling. I could hear everything she was screaming and I could see the reactions of her family.
I think the only thing I could critique is why exactly she has this fear. Did she fall off the swing and get badly injured so that's why she started to fear death? Because that's what I got from it. Or was it because of her day dreams and then the monsters got her? Did they actually go inside of her or something? I was a little confused on that part but other than that the emotions and descriptions were there. I think this was by far one of the most riveting things I have ever read of yours. It's so different from everything else you have written I'm just blown away.Author's Response: Oops sorry! Thinking about it, I should probably of mentioned that.. at least your nightmares would be HP themed? :P
Ooh! *scurries to read it*
- :O Yours is amazing! I was constantly like 'Not Hermione, Not hermione!' :P
I think I'll go back over it to add why she's so scared etc, I just *stupidly* assumed everyone would know.. without giving any hints (idiot moment).
Thanks so much for the review (again) :P Report Review
Wow, this was amazing. I really liked our characterization of Roxanne because she was such a deep character with her thoughts about the monsters and what she could see and I felt like everything was shrouded in a fascinating sort of darkness from how you wrote her. I was a little confused at first, but as the story developed, I felt like I was as scared as she was and the whole thing was fabulous. You changed tenses a bit from past and present, but other than that, I thought this was very well done. :)
AnnieAuthor's Response: Thank you! I've never really thought of Roxanne and was planning this story, and she just popped into my head! I wanted it to be like a darkness she couldn't escape from, so from the sounds of it - it hopefully came across!
Ah! The tenses - I keep doing this! I'll go over it now :)
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
This story was so artfully done.I love it. I love how the thoughts are described as monsters, and it's creepy, because in a way, these thoughts do cross my mind. Not anywhere near as bad as Roxie, but her thoughts come through the same...sorta. Definately a realistic story! And the emotion in it is so real...so easy to feel. And all of her cousins worrying about her was pretty cool too. The only part that effected the flow was you sometimes switched between present and past tense. But otherwise, your description of thantophobia was excellent and I loved the emotion! Great job!
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! The monster idea just kind of happened accidently when I imagined the thoughts filling her mind, sort of like attacking - hence claws and mosters :P
I think this phobia is so abrupt and shocking that it makes sence for all of us to have it so some degree! Freaked me out slightly when I was writing it :P
Oops! I always do that with the tenses! Will go back now to edit :P
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
I think your strongest points were character establishment,and how you showed Roxanne's thought very very well. Honestly,now I'm a little scared of death. One thing that should have been established is exactly why she's afraid of death,why she's afraid of death,and maybe something like she was going to drown,or she was scared Death Eaters trying to get to her,or being buried alive. There should have been a reason why she was so scared of death. Otherwise,this story was lovely. It was well written and the hysteria that was brought on by the fear of the death was conveyed marvelously. I enjoyed this so much! Beautifully written,messages were clearly conveyed,and I can tell you put all your effort into this. Great job! 9.5/10Author's Response: Oops sorry! I scared myself slightly whilst writing this aswell! :P
I think I'll re-edit this soon and add a reason for her fear, but ti was rejected a couple times for being too graphic so I got to the stage where I just wanted to put it up, but I'll definetly add that in!
Thank you so much for the review :) Report Review
Hi there! VividImagination here from forums!
Want to say that you did an excellent job on this one-shot. This is a really believable phobia for Roxanne, to be honest I freaked out a bit :P
10/10! Keep up the good work! (as always! I love your stuff!)Author's Response: Thank you so much :)
Aw wow, that means a lot! And I have to admit I freaked out writing it aswell! :P Thank you so much again :) Report Review
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