good chapters. I wonder what will happen now. Update again soon! =]Author's Response: :D. Next chapter is up! I'm glad you like this story!!! Report Review
Hey, this is fauxthefox from the forums with your second requested review!
This chapter was entertaining, but I'm kind of put out by Emery's character again. She doesn't seem to have much substance. Now I can see that her mother is irresponsible, etc, but I think that a more believable character would want to distance herself from her mother, and would learn to take care of herself.
I'm also having trouble with the fact that the Marauders didn't know who she was...as they go to school together. I mean, I'm guessing they don't travel in the same circles, but there can't be more than sixty people in their year. I can't imagine James and Sirius going to a camp like this, anyway, but I guess that's a character choice.
Pretty good / interesting!
FauxAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review :). Emery is...Emery. Hopefully her character will be more developed as the story goes along. James and Sirius are here for certain reasons that are to be specified later. ;) Report Review
Awwh this story is brilliant and Emery just needs some self confidence. Author's Response: Thank you!!! Emery definitely needs to get her act together. Report Review
"I used to fancy my dog" - thumbs up what a nice idea :D
I like your story and can't wait for an update.Author's Response: lol, thanks. Emery really needs to get her social skills together. :) Report Review
Alrighty! Another really good, really entertaining chapter.
There's just one thing I want to throw out there before I dive into the substance. I've noticed that you have some to/too issues in this chapter, and I'm pretty sure I remember them from the prior chapter, as well. Just something you probably want to pay attention to, because aside from that you write really well, which makes little issues more distracting than they otherwise would be.
So Emery's inner dialog was a lot less confident and rebellious in this chapter, which makes sense in the context of the story. It sounds like the camp is starting to wear her down. Then Sirius delivers that gut-punch assessment that seems to hit way too close to home for our anti-heroine's comfort. It's not the way that I like to think of Sirius, but he's much younger than when we meet him in Prisoner of Azkaban and I'm also still guessing that we're going to find out that he's here against his will, so I can get my head around it. He simply has no time or patience for somebody who hides behind their vices as Emery seems to.
The line about Emery fancying her dog was kind of out of left field. I know you had to come up with something awkward, but, eww... Anyway, if the gist of this chapter is to have Emery get broken down so that she can begin to rebuild herself, I'd say you did a great job of it. Hard to see how she'll sink much lower from here.
So in summary, although there's still plenty of black humor (no pun intended) in this chapter, things are starting to get more serious (dammit, the puns won't stop!). I think you're managing the transition well. The first two chapters make you fall in love with Emery and her "I don't care" attitude covering up for her weakness and vulnerability. Now we get to find out what she's really made of, and I'm looking forward to it.
And just like that, I'm out of chapters to read. I'm adding this to my favorites, so I can keep up!Author's Response: Thank you for the great review!! I sort of have a problem with the to/toos. I always get them mixed up. Sirius is really young and he definitely hasn't grown into the man that he's later portrayed to be. (but part of that growth will occur in that story.) Emery is definitely cracking. She's not as rebellious or as care-free as she tries to be. She's actually one of the most insecure people ever. Sirius and Emery will definitely be pretty wacky. As for the dog thing, lol XD. She has a big problem with her social skills obviously XD. Report Review
So I wasn't sure that I would enjoy this story as much if I was completely sober, but I really do. Emery is a fantastically nuanced character. She reminds me a bit of the way that a lot of people write Rose Weasley, with a strong, bombastic, self-deprecating inner dialog that occasionally gets out. The touches that you added this chapter, the awkwardness, the vulnerability, really helped to round the character out. I think you've created something really special with her.
The Lily-James dynamic is also getting really interesting. Most people choose to write that as Lily being merely annoyed, not repulsed. Can't wait to see what sort of fun you have with that one. And Sirius-Emery, I think that is going to be a treat, indeed.
This is a really enjoyable story you've created. I'll definitely tag you again if I get a chance, or I may just do the next chapter for the enjoyment of it.Author's Response: I'm glad you're enjoying this story! I'm enjoying yours as well!!!
Emery is unlike any character I've ever written before (I've probably already said that), so I'm glad that you find her interesting. Sirus-Emery will be pretty crazy. It's going to be humorous, dramatic, romantic, and heart-wrenching at times as well. James-Lily will definietly be a laugh throughout this story. :)
Thanks again for the awesome review! Report Review
First off, I loved your drunk Emery. You portrayed the drunkeness really well and continually made me laugh. I also liked the contrast between drunk Emery and sober Emery though I have a feeling lots of those differences are brought on by Emery's own mindset rather than the alcohol.
The camp is portrayed really well. The infirmary in the tree gives the camp a slight magical feel and takes away the muggle aspects of summer camp. I like Emery's feelings on the fat purple lady. The musings are really well done.
Emery's entire monologue is wonderful. You keep up with her thoughts in a way that is believable yet doesn't lose the reader. I like her as a character and can't help but wonder at what happened to turn her into an alcoholic.
I like the inclusion of the mauraders. It is nice to see them in a place where their misguided behaviour is being addressed. Also I can fully see Lily being a student helper. She fits perfectly into the role of wanting to help everyone and anyone.
I can't wait to see where this story goes. You certainly have me hooked.Author's Response: Thanks for another lovely review :)
I'm glad that you find it entertaining.
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.
OK, in the spirit of full disclosure, it's Christmas Eve and I had about a liter of nice Belgian ale before reading this chapter. I feel like I can relate to Emery on a very deep level.
Your characterization of a teenager thrown into a rehab program against her will was so perfect that I wonder about you. Which means that I think you'd be really fun to hang out with right about now. Seriously, you nailed it. Every reaction, every impression, every little detail was spot on.
By the end of the chapter, I felt like I had known Emery for ages. I knew a fair number of people like her in college, although very few of them wound up in wizarding rehab camps for obvious reasons. I can't wait to see why all of the Marauders are vacationing at Club Morgan. My guess is that they came to keep Sirius company while allowing James to continue his pursuit of Lily, but I suppose I will find out soon...
I did notice one or two small typos near the beginning. I think you put "flash" where you meant to say "flask," but mistakes like that seem so eminently forgivable in my current state of mind.
It's awesome to read a story that shows that the wizarding world also has its share of drunks and screw-ups. I think I'll be coming back to this one soon! Bravo!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the lovely review!!! I love writing about Emery, although this chapter is undergoing some editing to make the drunken scenes a bit more realistic. :)
The marauders are there for reasons that will be revealed eventually :D. Report Review
Yellow! It's apocalypse here again! =D
Firstly, w-o-w. Where did you find the Sirius Black from? =P If this is the one in your story, I have to say that the swooning girls is what he deserves =P
I loved the conversation between Sirius and Emery! The way he threw everything in her face and caught her off-guard was just brilliant! =D I think that this is exactly what she needs to pick herself up from where she has fallen because of her drinking. I did think though that somewhere in there he sort of contradicted himself. I mean on minute, he tells her all about herself and then says that you're not worthy of being noticed or remembered. Guess he did remember her, eh? =P Nevertheless! I still think that it was an awesome way to begin their partnership (I'm being so mean, hehe =P) and that it might have very fruitful implications! =D Good work there!
I don't really have much to say on the characterisation as I addressed that part in detail in the previous review. However, I do think that James/Lily are going alright together but sometimes I feel that you slightly overdo it. I mean, Lily looking at the point of murder in just a few seconds? That sort of sudden change is slightly unrealistic. I hope you know what I mean. =D
Overall, this was a very entertaining chapter! And hahahaha! What an awkward thing to say! I really liked that part! Really very good job! And the part where she imagines Merlin screaming her welcome at her is just pure genius. Me loves it. =DDD
Really very good story and I can't wait for you to update it! it may sound very stupid of me but I have to ask you definitely rerequest when it's updated! I really wanna know how you carry this forward! Until next time, Good luck, Happ writing and even Happier Holidays! =DDAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing this!!!
Sirius does contradict himself a bit. Not everyone is perfect though XD.
The James/Lily interaction won't get any worse than it does now. It'll actually get better :D. I'll definitely re-request :) Report Review
Hello! =D This is apocalypse, here with another review for your Emery!
I must say that I really like her! =) Her character's rubbing off on me =P Hehe. I love the way she thinks and how she's not a very happy person. The fact that she thinks so less of herself and has almost no self-confidence draws your readers in. I think that every other person has one or another character trait that Emery has. You've written her in such a way that she has a sense of reality to her and I think that whoever would read your story would feel a connection with her and an of her insecurities in one way or another. This may sounding very confused to you but I'm hoping that I delivered my point =P
As for James and Sirius, I think that their characters came off very well. Whenever I read a Marauder story, I tend to observe the Marauders with scrutiny and try to spot the differences between what I have already read and what I'm reading. In this story, I felt like you've recreated James and Sirius all over again, which is truly an achievement. They're arrogant, yes and they're extremely full of themselves, yes but they're also rude, mean and even hurtful here. Plus, they seem to be prettty dumb =P Now, don't think this in a bad way, I mean well =D My point here is, that mostly authors that I've read do not go to such a point where these guys are genuinely and a pain in the you-know-what. =P (Sorry, have to keep this 12+; not sure if I can say what I wanna. But you get the meaning, I know ;) =P) Anyway, I really really liked how you portrayed them as you did! It's quite different from what I usually see and I had fun reading them! =D
About the plot: HoHoHo! Your plot line just got incredibly awesome incredibly fast =P I guess I should've seen something like that coming! But that's what I have to mention here, your writing style and your plot is so unpredictably awesome that it just surprised and made me rub my hands in anticipation for what is to come! =D I'm glad I have another chapter to read after otherwise I don't know how I would've survived without. I love the excitement and the fun here. =D
The pace of the chapter was very good too. There wasn't any rambling and there definitely was a balance between the dialogues, the descriptions and the thoughts! So good job there! =) I can see a lot of potential in this story and I can see you doing it justice! =) Keep it up!
And I spotted one mistake in here! "but you'd have to live under a rock to not realize that Lily 'Potter' detests the marauders." =P It's Evans. If James could've heard Emery's thoughts, he would've been ecstatic =P And I really like you chapter image! =) She's a gorgeous Lily! =D
Moving on, one teeny little thing I don't think I caught in here. Why are the Marauders in this camp? I mean, as far as I know, they're pranksters and rule breakers yes, but is that such a crazy thing that they need to go to a camp where drunks ans druggies come for help? If you just clarify that, then that would be great! =D
Okay, I think I'm done for the moment now! I'm really liking the story now! Hope this review helped.. I'm off to read the next chapter now! =PAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review again! I'm glad that you thought this chapter was pretty good. I definitely felt like I did a better job on this chapter than the first one and I'm glad you thought so as well.
Ahhh!!! I was specifically trying to make sure that I did NOT put Lily Potter. I guess, I let that one slip when I went back to edit it. I'll just fix that :). Again, thanks for the review againa dn i'm glad that you're enjoying it :). Report Review
Hey, this is apocalypse here with your review!
Let's start with your areas of concern, shall we?
The plot of the story is actually very very good. I really like the idea that there is a way for people like Emery to get help. It makes the magical world seem more realistic and gives your story a feel of normalcy. It's good to see that there are people even in the wizarding world who could have normal human problems and have to deal with those just like they should. I really liked the idea of Morgana Wood and I'm really looking forward to see how you execute it. =)
It was interesting to see how this camp differs yet is similar to a military camp. It has its own unique story so it's different from most camps which is very good =) I think it doesn't even sound like a camp right now. It sounds like a very nice place to me. Your writing style made it sound like a very peaceful place (but then again I don't have any problems like the campers do; maybe that's why I like the concept so much =P)
I like how you've incorporated the Maruaders and Lily Evans in the story. Though I think that having Lily there wasn't really necessary. I mean, what then, would be the difference between here and Hogwarts if almost all the characters that are mentioned at that time end up here as well? I just think that to make it and let it stay unique you have to think off the page. However, since she's here, I think that it was a good way of showing her character and her generosity by making her a volunteer instead of a camper. Really good job there.
Pace: To be honest, I think that that needs work. The pacing in the start was quite off track and quite frankly if you hadn't grabbed my interest by the idea of Morgana Wood, I would've started getting bored. Emery's thoughts were getting too disconcerting and her rambling would have gotten annoying if you hadn't made her stop just in the nick of time. Also, I think that her drunk stupor was sort of unrealistic and sligtly dragged. It could've been shorter and could've easily been wrapped up without losing any important eventful detail.
For the next half of the chapter, I think the flow and pacing got better. The description got way better and you began focusing on her thoughts and feelings. However, I still think that there's room for improvement in case of description. It would be nice if you stopped to describe the surroundings and the general atmosphere with more detail so as to give you readers the vision and the feel of what you want them to see. You should write it in a way that they are able to imagine what you are imagining effortlessly. I hopw you know what I mean.
Emery's character is a very well thought out character and I think that it has been quite developed. I like how she feels about herself, confident yet not confident. It was good to see the contrast between her and Lily and the fact that she's not comfortable with her own body. It show that she has room for improvement and is human and normal after all.
Overall, a very good start to a very good story. It's a very good plot line and I'm hoping you do it justice =) Hope this review helped! I'll be back soon, with the others! =DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the long insightful review!!! I've gone back and edited the chapter to make the drunken scenes more realistic and I've shortened it a bit so that the pace doesn't drag as much. Lol, I just had to have Lily in this story. I just have this thing where I can't have a marauder's story without Lily and James action. I know it's sort of stupid, but I love Lily/James :3. So I had to find a way to incorporate her in the story and I couldn't make her a camper, obviously. It's not in her character. lol, thanks again for the review :). It means a lot that you took the time to write such a long one :D Report Review
It's me from the forums with your review!
Lots of interesting developments this chapter that really moved the story along and gave us some really strong insights into Emery's personality.
It was interesting that Emery and Sirius are going to have to be partners for the whole summer, and there's a lot of potential situations that could set up. I like how this is very different from most Sirius/OC stories. He always seems to end up with either a quiet girl that's never been noticed or an honorary marauder, and all cases they always seem to be Lily's best friend. I like seeing him potentially paired with somebody troubled like this.
The characterization was very good in this chapter, especially Sirius' playful arrogance and the way that girls would swoon so easily for him. The James/Lily dynamic is pretty good, but i would be careful not to overdo it too much.
The conversation between Sirius and Emery was great, and the way he called her out may have been exactly what she needed. He did it in a horrible jerk like way, but there was definetely an element of truth in what he was saying. It was funny what Emery said about fancying her dog, and I wonder if there is a possible double meaning with Sirius' dog connection.
This chapter flowed very well and was just about the right length.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! This chapter was definitely enjoyable to write. The rest of the chapters will probably be around this length, maybe longer or shorter depending. Emery is definitely a character I have never invented before, so it's interesting to write about this character's POV. I loved writing Sirius' and Emery's coversation and I'm glad that you liked it too. Again, thanks again. :D Report Review
Wow. That was a long chapter. But that's besides the point XD everything was very good,very strong,but the drunken symptoms were lacking. I've never been drunk,but I've been told about it. I reckon it could use a few details. I was really surprised to see the marauders,but that's because I jumped into the story before reading the summary. I liked the characterization of emery,and how she didn't realize she was saying everything. It was really great,and I laughed quite a few times(: good job! And this is EverMalfoy here(:Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! :)
Yeah, I tried doing the whole drunk think from Emery's perspective, so she might not be realizing that she's actually tripping or stumbling or how awful she looks. Everything's a bit warped. Emery is a character that I've never invented before. Again, thanks for the review!!! :) Report Review
LMAO! What an awkward thing to say and kind of creepy! I feel so sorry for her but at the same time I really just want to call her Emily ;D
Anyway I love the story so far and can't wait to see what happens next!! I love your writing style =D
Btw who is that super duper gorgeous guy used for Sirius? As I would love to drool over him some more ;D
~BlameItOnTheNarglesAuthor's Response: lol, thanks for the review!!! :D
Yes, Emery is just such a torrential mess isn't she? Poor girl.
And I'm glad you like this story.
The guy I used for Sirius is Tim Urban. He's sooo gorgeous XD. Report Review
Hello, this is fauxthefox from the forums with your requested review! Sorry it took me so long to get around to it!
The first thing that I noticed is that you spend a lot of time writing in Emery's head (like, writing her thoughts..?). It gets a bit confusing because Emery's thoughts are in persent tense but the narrative is in past. I would either change the narrative to present tense or italicize all of Emery's thoughts.
It's definitely cute so far, although Emery doesn't seem to have a very grounded personality too far. I'm hoping she won't turn into a cliche rebel (right now, you could take it either way). You wrote something about her being uncomfortable about her body, which I liked - it makes her more realistic as a character. I would just be careful about going to extremes with the rebellious drinker thing.
Speaking of drinking, the drunkeness at the beginning is a bit unrealistic. I would spend less time making her a funny cynic and a bit more time having her trip or get dizzy, so that we can see that she actually does have a problem. I'm not sure how she got drunk on the way to the camp/clinic thing anyway, though? I'm assuming her mother hides alcohol from her because she knows she has a problem - so how did Emery get her hands on all this Firewhisky?
FauxAuthor's Response: Thanks for taking the time to review! I will edit her thoughts to make it less confusing. Emery is definitely not that much of a rebel. She actually isn't outgoing, confident, or mischievous. She has a problem and douses her insecurities with alcohol. Throughout the story, she will be sober so we'll get to know the real Emery. As for the drunkeness, I'll go back and edit some of it so that she trips a bit more or something :). Emery's mom hides the alcohol, but Emery knows the loopholes so she can get her hands on it. Plus, as revealed in the second chapter, Emery's mom isn't as stable or caring as she seems. Anyway, I appreciate the review :). I may re-request :D Report Review
I loved reading your Enchantment of the Redheads story so I thought I'd give this a try while I waited :P
Your idea is really cool and unique.
And I liked Emery, but i like her better sober.
So far so good!Author's Response: Thank you! I have great plans for this story!!! :) Report Review
Back for Chapter 2!
There are definetely a lot more insights into Emery's character here, and her family history helps explain why she is the way she is, you've definetely done a good job of developing her character.
James and Sirius are coming across really well also. You really captured their arrogance and how it effects everybody around them. One might object that it seems like a bit of a stretch to have them at the camp with all the druggies and drop outs, becuase from what we know they seem to have done pretty well in school aside from all the detentions and pranks. However, sometimes you just have to bend things to make a story work and that's perfectly ok. The James/Lily dynamic was captured very well.
Overall I think this story has a lot of potential and there's a lot of interesting directions you could go in.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing!
Yeah, I was trying to stretch it a bit to have the marauders at the camp, but you don't necessarily have to be a complete druggie or failure to go to the camp. You just need to cause enough trouble to reform a behavioral attitude (since they caused a lot of trouble at Hogwarts), and judging by flashbacks in the original books, they were pretty mean kids to be honest. but they are out of the norm there and the most normal. I have big plans for this story and I'm excited to write them. Again, thanks again for the feedback :). Report Review
It's me from the forums with your review!
First of all, I have to say this is a very unnique and original idea for a story, and I don't think I've seen anything like it before. Emery is definetely about as far away from a Mary Sue as you can possible get. She definetely has an intersting attitude. She kind of tends to ramble a bit, which does fit her personality, but you might want to be a little careful not to have her ramble too much to the point its distracting.
You had a nice transition in first showing Emery's trouble making drunken side, but then showing her veulnerable insecurities. She clearly has some depth to her character that you have done a god job of developing so far.
I was also very interesting to see the very obvious contrasts between her and Lily, and how that might come into play. There also seems to be great potential for mischief with the Marauders being there.Author's Response: Thanks for the review!!
This story is very new for me and I don't know where the idea came from, but I'm glad you think it's original. I liked developing Emery. She's not a character I would normally come up with, so I'm excited to keep writing. I'll watch out for the rambling part and the marauders will definitely bring mischeif ;) Report Review
Lolz, Emery better be glad she isn't attending Collbran Job Corps. This place is about 5 times as bad as that camp. =PAuthor's Response: lol XD, yeah.
This camp in my story really isn't tat bad, but Emery is just a complainer :P Report Review
I have to say I really like this idea for the story :D Its different and unique :D I only came across this because of your other story and I have to say Im so glad they kissed.
anyway back to this story :) Great start to it and I can't wait to see what happens next! :D
~BlameItOnTheNarglesAuthor's Response: Thank you!!! I have big plans for this story ;), so stay tuned to this one and The Potter Boys XD Report Review
Keep writing it!! I love this story and the "Potter Boys" oneAuthor's Response: I'll try and update this one soon! It might be a while though since I'm working on the other one :D. But I have big plans for this one! Report Review
I really do love the beginning to this chapter. The whole idea of her being a carefree teenager is one that isn't seen at Hogwarts with many people just being conformists to the rules however the fact that she's drunk gives a totally different spin on the Hogwarts pupils.
The idea of a wizarding reform camp is also one which is exceptionally unique which I think is why it draws the reader in to the story making them want to read on as to why she actually got their.
Her mind as a young teenage girl is also shown very well here by illustrating the fact of the fact of a teenage mind and her tendancies to rebel. I especially like the reference to Dumbledore :D
The fact that she's drunk also makes the chapter more interesting to read as she procrastinates over small subjects but also enables her to give a descrpition of her surroundings or the surroundings as she sees them which seems to delay the action a lot more.
The 'man lady' as you put her reminds me in more ways than one of Umbridge which I really like. She seems to be flying of the handle at Emery already over small little things so it will be interesting to see how they get on through the rest of the story.
It seems that there's an underlying problem of alcohol abuse with Emery which is shown by her saying she hates being sober which makes the reader want to find out more about why she feels the need to drink so much and why she was more angry with the world which also gets the reader to speculate on her circumstances.
I also love the idea that the 'man lady' burns the things that Emery seems to rely on most which gives an insight into her temper but also the idea when Emery backs down from her when she asserts her authority by telling her to get out also gives a sense of vulnerability to her character which I think will be interesting to see develop over the course of the story .
The vivid description you give of the infirmary gives the reader an oppotunity to actually see what Morgana Wood is like and whether it was going to be completely doom and gloom.
I love the way you've just thrown Emery into a whole unfamiliar situation for her, already going back onto her dependancy on alcohol which gets her to know her personality a little bit more but also to know shes not as bolshy as she makes out to be when she was with the man lady.
The fact that Emery has been placed with Lily Evans is certainly interesting.
Please feel free to re-request any further chapters because I really like the story and the uniqueness of it.
GinevraMollyPotterAuthor's Response: awww thanks :D.
I love this review alot and I'm so happy that you took the time to make one.
Yeah, I'm proud of myself for the concept and I can't wait to keep writing it. I actually really like Emery. She isn't like most characters I'm used to writing, but then again, I never write marauder's fics either. :D. So this'll be interesting.
Again, thanks so much :D. Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! Sorry for the delay - I think I'm going to have to give up on NaNo. The state of my queue is deeply depressing.
First off, I can be a little obsessive with mechanics, so I want to mention a couple things that stood out to me.
There were a few points where your word choice seemed a little odd. For example, in the first paragraph, you say, "Oh my irony." I'm not sure if there was supposed to be a comma after "my," or if you meant something entirely different, but it felt a bit confusing to me. Another example was in the seventh paragraph: "Otherwise known as... drug-induced insane" was oddly phrased - it read like you were calling her an asylum, which doesn't really make sense.
You also made some mistakes with the way you formatted your dialogue - I would recommend going through the article in the Grammar Guidelines section of the forum for a quick refresher. They're pretty easy changes to make, and at least for me, it makes the story seem much neater.
I personally also think that the first half of the chapter could use a little work. Your prose is good, but while I understand that you probably meant it to be kind of stream-of-consciousness, I feel like to make it seem really realistic, you need to describe what she's feeling, not just what she's thinking. That's a huge part of the experience. Just writing what she's thinking makes her come across as more lucid than she probably should be. For example, writing that she giggled and said, "Spin, spin, spin," rather than saying, "Spin, spin, spin. Hehehehe" would have come across as more real.
In general, I wanted you to show us more of Emery's dysfunction. It felt like you were often telling us - she hexed James on the Quidditch pitch, she felt like she wasn't fun sober, etc, and I wanted more than that. I wanted to know more about how she felt, and whether she was angry at being there, and whether she felt ashamed for her actions or convinced that there wasn't anything wrong. Toward the end, you were doing that well, but I wanted a little more earlier on.
Everything I've said so far probably reads like criticism, and it may be making you think, "Well, God, did you even like the story at all?" And the answer is that yes, I did. It's a very interesting concept, and not one I've really seen before. If you decide to rerequest (though if you do, please wait until I've posted that my queue is clear - I have a huge backlog), I'll be interested to see how you execute it. Your prose is overall good (which is very, very important to me as a reader), and I think that your dialogue flows naturally. Once you reached the other campers, I thought that the story was really strong.
However, you spent so much time on the scene in the cabin and in the infirmary that I feel like I don't have much to comment on other than that - your flow was natural, but it just moved a little too slowly for me, and I felt like by the time you reached the rest of the people in the camp, it felt underwhelming because you'd spent so much time on the set-up. Does that make sense?
I did like this, and I do think that the concept is interesting. I just think that it could use a little bit of condensing and elaboration in sections. :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. I really needed that. Grammar isn't my biggest thing, but I'll probably go back and fix it soon. I've always had a problem with pacing so I'm glad that you caught that and commented on that. I'm happy that you took the time to leave this ginormous review :D. It makes me really happy and it's something I definitely needed. (As I said before) Report Review
Loved the chapter. Emery was a bit annoying at first, but i guess it was her drunken state. Its a really good concept and I'm enjoying where it's heading. I hope to see Emery act a little more guilty about her mother, i just didn't really believe that she felt bad.
Update soon! :)Author's Response: Thanks :).
Yeah, Emery is one of those annoying "falsely confident" drunks. When she's stripped of her alcohol, she's actually a really self concious and shy girl with insecurities. There's more evidence of that in the next chapter :). I'll update it soon. Report Review
Chapter image is awesome and the idea is cool. I never really read maurader stories but i love this one. Update soon please :DAuthor's Response: Thanks :). I'll update it soon :) Report Review
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