WHY?! Why have you not told me about this beautifully amazing wonderfully magnificent story that you wrote?!
Alright...so...This. This is wonderful and is a great example of what you are able to write. It was short and sweet yet filled with a lost hope of love and a dream of a different previous life. I love this to all the worlds end.
You display the characters emotions wonderfully throughout the entire piece. You have riddled the narration with a look on the past of kind hope and then it turns and it's a taste of the future filled with despair. I love how you used the senses in this with the rain and painted the picture so brilliantly.
Thank you for writing this lovely piece and next time remember to like nag me and go "KAYKAY READ THIS AMAZEMENT THAT I WROTE!"
Kaykay Report Review
Hi Mike! So I'm here with your first review that you won in the HPPC Challenge! So I'll jump straight into it!
This was a very interesting one shot. I still can't work out who it is about even after reading it through twice and having a think about it for a while! You said in the author's note that it's obvious, so now I feel stupid! The only people I can think of that had their memories wiped were Hermione's parents, and I know for a fact it isn't about them. So congrats to you on completely confusing me!
Whilst I did love this, I felt like sometimes the sentences were too long; like you were trying to use as many commas as possible in each one. It does give a nice effect though, but can get a little bit annoying by the end. It could have been intentional though; done specifically for effect in the same way I tend to use small sentences!
I love that the character is questioning and contemplating the decisions they made, thinking back to everything that had happened and wondering if it turned out the way they thought it would. I really feel sorry for them after reading it, especially since they had to make the choice to wipe someone's memory and leave them behind. That is never going to be an easy choice to make, and certainly not an easy thing to do. The way that they miss the other person made me want to cry at times; all the thoughts about how they used to be, all the things they miss and how they just want them back, despite the reasons they had pushed them away in the first place. I just want to know everything about them now; who they are, how they were, what happened to them. I just feel the need to find it all out; to find out the reason it all happened and to help them, even though I know I never could.
'Did I do it for you, or for me?' That line just..I don't even know. The whole thought that they could have made a mistake, or they could have done it for the right reasons. The thought that they might of done it out of selfishness or love. We'll never really know, but it puts so many thoughts into your head and makes you wonder so many things my brain just can't take it!
One thing; you wrote 'I felt tears as I felt about what I gave up..' I think the second 'felt' should have been 'thought'. That line hit me too. It's hard to put into words, but, in my head, the whole process of remembering and grieving are things that I love to explore and discover so I'm really glad you did it so well!
I absolutely loved this! Great job with it! Can't wait to read some more of your stuff!!Author's Response: Hey! :P I didn't even know there were reviews given out... Oops. Oh well.
Uhh it was spoilers for Greyback's story, but I really need to get rid of that An. :blush: It's rude. And it's not surprising that you couldn't figure it out, it's Greyback/OC :P
I did write this a long time ago, and maybe they are a but long but you could say it's just technique to make it cooler? ;)
Hehe, I'm glad you liked Sapphire's questions and regret. That would be a hard thing to do... Erase someone's memories of you... Awww, well... I dunno if I should be happy you wanted to cry or not xD You coulllddd find out if I write Greyback's Story and finish it. *whistles* ;)
Hehe, I never thought about that line really, usually it was a different line that people caught. I believe this story has a line about words on sand? THat's the usual eye-catching line but I like how you liked that line xD
OOps... That is a very glaring mistake. :blush:
Thanks!! :D Mystery Staffer ;)
Mike. Report Review
Mike, I'm here! I'm late, but I'm here!
This was pretty sad, and this was a major spoiler, but ultimately it made me want to read GS even more;P
I felt really sad when I read this, and Greyback is one of my least favorite characters, but you make me have compassion for him!
EverAuthor's Response: Hehe you didn't HAVE to read this ya know. And hehe :D I'm glad you liked this and you should be feeling compassion for my OC ;) Well... And Greyback but whatever :p
Mike. Report Review
Wow, Mike this was totally beautiful. I loved every single word of it, it was poetic and pretty and romantic and angsty.
The questions broke it up nicely and added intrigue- and I absolutely adore the last line: "But we don't always get what we wish, nor do we always keep what we have." that is so powerful!
*adds to favourites* this is so utterly gorgeous Mike! :D 10/10
lots AND LOTS of love, Jenny xxAuthor's Response: Ahh Jenny! I'm glad you loved all of it! And and and... What do I say to this? Really now? YOU ARE TOO NICE. There. Review response.
I LOVE YOU.
xD Mike. Report Review
this is by FAR the best thing I've ever read of yours. this was amazing...it made me feel emotional and sad. And it's so true. I loved the way you described thing, but my favorite thing was the questions that he asked himself...why have I done this...did I do this for you or for me? I can absolutely relate to this story, I feel like this story has happened to me, because you know, you can do this with the internet. It's like obliviate...if you only know someone on the internet, you can erase them from your life completely...and then wonder. lol
By far the last line is the most poignant, the one that is most heart breaking, and the one that is the most true.
I like that the character is in the rain...just letting it fall on him. Like he is trying to let it wash away the pain. So good.
I can't even...tell you how pertinent this story is to my own life, like you got in my head some how and wrote my own thoughts. How are we the same person?! lol
This was stunning and heartbreakingly beautiful. Amazing job, Mike. Amazing.Author's Response: Erm she's not a he :P Anyways,
Thanks Ash. I don't know what brought this on, but I'm glad you liked it! And yeah, I can see that... Always wondering. Hehe.
I like that she's in the rain too, but I wrote it so. :P
I don't know? Maybe I got lucky and just wrote something :P
Thanks Ash! It means so much :D *Best review I've gotten*
Mike. Report Review
Hey there! AC here with your requested review :)
First off, Mike, you've quite obviously been deluding me all this time. You've assured me on several occasions that all your stories are full of spelling/grammar/general mistakes and such... and thats very much not true. I actually thought, overall, this was pretty acurate most of the way through. Inevitably some mistakes will always slip through the craps... although I'd say that I think the biggest grammar issue is your love of the comma.
Now, I love the comma as much as the next person (and for awhile me and the commar were insperable) but there are quite a few sentences that are four commas in themselves. I completed understand what you're trying to do there and to an extent you are creating a poetic style by it...but, you just need to spice it up a little and add some more variety. Take one of the sentences in the first paragraph:
"I stood out in the rain, washing my worries away, washing my memories away, locking them up, and placing them in a secret compartment of my heart"
I personally think the first comma isn't needed at all and then I think prehaps a semi colon? I mean, grammar isn't my strong point so feel free to ignore it, but this is how I would punctuate that sentence.
I stood out in the rain washing my worries away; washing my memories away, locking them up, and placing them in a secret compartment of my heart.
(I'd also take out the comma at the after 'locking them up' but that's an oxford comma I believe and that's complete preference).
I'm sure there are better exampls throughout this but if you take some time and sit down with this you could get rid of some of the sentence fragments sort of floating around whilst keep the floaty-dreamy sort of feel you have going on :) But, saying that, I've seen things with a lot worse punctuation before. Anyway, just something to think about :)
You said grammar, spelling and goodness... so I'll get to the goodness bit now :)
I think you created a sort of mystical nostaligic feel around the relationship which I really liked. You've tuned into your characters emotions pretty well (from reading your other reviews I see she's one of your OCs) and I felt like I really understood the sort of regret she was experiences. You've definately managed to capture her emotions and pin them down on paper which is really hard to do, so kudos for that :)
I especially liked the last sentence, it was one of thoes types of sentences which really pack a punch. It was fun, actually. There few other lines I especially liked actually.
"I thought that maybe if I erased me from you that I could forget as well, that it would be like some words written in the beach that would eventually fade away, never to be remembered again."
^ That one, I really liked :)
The only other thing I have to say is... why was half of the story indented and the other not? That really confused me :P Other than that though, it was an enjoyable story and I'm glad I had a chance to read it :)
-ACAuthor's Response: I've been deluding you with bad grammar? ... Whoops xD That's not a good thing to make people believe... Glad I have good grammar in this story! :D ... Mostly.
Ohhh ok... I see your point with that. :D Commas... Too much xD
Thanks AC :D Glad you liked that sentence :)
Umm... I have no clue... I thought all of it was indented? xD Whoops...
Thanks again! :D
Mike. Report Review
Awww EMOTIONAL! I feel like crying now... Thanks a lot! No but seriously I loved this, you are amazing at writing Angst! I am going to guess it was Greybacks POV? I probably would have cried if 'Happy talk' wasn't playing on the radio (Don't ask why I was listening to it). You are an amazing writer and you get the emotion down perfectly! (Added to faves) xAuthor's Response: Wooo! I made you feel like crying! Mwaha! Anyways thanks! And NO it isn't from Greyback's POV. DUN DUN DUNNN... It's from my OC Sapphire's pov.
Mike. Report Review
I was headed off to read "It's a depressing world, Grayback's story" (Why does this have to have such a long title??) but then the clocks on your banner attracted me (I always liked clocks) and even if I have NO idea who's POV it is in, I have a feeling we were talking about Grayback?? Well, in any case, it was very well written, there was ONE cheesy line, but it was so unimportant that I forgot what it was, which is really good because often fics in the same genre are puke-inducingly cheesy.
However this was good enough for me to add it to my favorites!! :D I'm heartless but I bet i know a bunch of people who would've cried...
It's hard for me to say this since i don't want to encourage you to put angst in every single little thing, but...
You really know your angst.
So stop writing it, you make people cry and that's not very nice! (Oh shoot I almost forgot you were evil too...)
Fine then. keep on writing angst but... DON'T PUT IT EVERYWHERE! Keep some humor fics in between the angsty ones!! :D
-JuneAuthor's Response: I swear... BEST. REVIEW. EVER! :D
GAH! I'M HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPPY!
I know I know my angst! That's why I write it, cause I don't know my humor XD That's... Literally why... I'm not kidding...
I LIKE MAKING PEOPLE CRY! MWAHAHAHA! Jk, I like making them cry with awesome stories though :D
Mike. Report Review
Wow, very emotional. I think you did a great job with this is revealing our hero's pain and suffering. Quite moving.Author's Response: I'm glad this was emotional! As that was the point!
Glad you review almost everything I put up! Glad you read my stories!
Mike. Report Review
Helloo! (Yes, I am aware that I still owe you a review for Greyback's story, but I'm reviewing this now too =P)
THIS WAS REALLY GOOD! You portrayed the emotions of the character really well, and the descrption was great. I'm sad now. Which I suppose is a good thing, as it is meant to be sad? Maybe? Hopefully? I don't know.
ANYWAY THIS WAS AWESOME! =D 10/10
-Amy =DAuthor's Response: Well I forgot about this! XD I was just thinking that I don't get many reviews and POOF! Here you are!
:D Thanks! Yep you are supposed to be sad :P It's the point.
Mike. THHHAAANANKKKSSS Report Review
That was very, very sad.
The emotion you portrayed was so strong, and it sounded very realistic, and real.
I could feel the sadness coming off of the person, regretting what had happened.
Really, really good job on this, I liked it a lot.
10/10Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! :D I'm sooo happy it was sad too, cause that was the point.
*Phew* It was realistic... My first time writing from the point of view of a girl so I was worried!
Thanks :D So much.
Mike. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection