Hi! Here I am for your review swap!
I thought this was so, so powerful and well written! I just love your writing as it is so convincing and beautiful! Your language in this is just so well done - as is your description! This is so original and amazing! I really enjoyed reading this and I'm glad I chose to review this one!
Emma xxAuthor's Response: Hey :) Thank you for the review
I'm glad you liked this as it was for a challenge and as most people know I am awful with my challenges! This was meant to be a very descriptive piece as usually I lack with my description.
I'm glad you thought it was original... Thank you! Report Review
Hey, I really, really liked this story.
I could feel the pain, sadness, and anger coming off from Talen.
It was heart breaking, reading about how his family abandoned him, and refused him because he wasn't the 'perfect' son.
It was a really good story, I really like your writing style.
Good job in all.
10/10Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked this story as I found it very difficult to write because of the sheer emotion I knew it would take.
His family were of the typical pureblood status which I hope came through, but really he wasn't too much of a bad guy!
Thanks for saying you like my writing style, I can get very insecure about it so it's nice to know that some people do like it!
Thanks again for the review! Report Review
This was a powerful one-shot. I loved the imagery and how you tell Talen's story.
It reminded of Ariana Dumbledore in a way, still to the lengths people will go to hide something they consider to be a family shame, instead of accepting Talen they hide him.
I especially loved the last line, it was a really good closing line :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!
Talen was a character in which I was given the name for and then had to create a story around him which at first I found difficult to do although I did rise to the challenge.
Ariana Dumbledore did cross my mind whilst writing this and you can hopefully see that with the idea of Talen being locked away.
The last line was designed to be thought provoking and quite powerful so I'm glad that you thought it was
Thanks again for the review! Report Review
I thought I sent this earlier, although I tried to submit it from my phone so that might explain why it didn't go through, sorry about that one! Okay, so my initial thoughts on this came from the title of the story itself the words: Unwanted,Abandoned, Alone themselves are powerful, and I think it gave me a powerful sense about the stories content before I even began to read it. I was actually intrigued by the situation the main character would find themselves based upon these words, and as one that really examines the relation between a title and a story I loved your choice, particularly as you began and ended the story with it as well with is always a bonus in my opinion!
I was intrigued by Talen, not only is the name amazing, I've never heard or seen it used and it's wonderful, his past and his present situation were also (while incredibly sad) interesting in the sense that the actions and words of a seer caused this. To have been left entirely alone because you would become a Hufflepuff is a horrible thought, yet you've portrayed it so wonderfully! I loved the emotion, although at times there were small grammatical errors or spelling mistakes the story itself worked well and was interesting to read something so unique!
While I felt at times it could have used slightly more description, and Talen's feelings could have been explored as well as his relationship with the other characters, it was overall a nicely written story with a very unique take on the actions of wizarding Pureblood families and I enjoyed reading this for the different perspective of the wizarding world as you've portrayed it.
~ ITSIDAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review! It doesn't matter that it didn't go through. I'm glad you thought the title was powerful, that's exactly what I was going for when I created it. The whole idea of making it appear both at the beginning and at the end of the story was to add more power and feeling to it so I'm glad you thought it was effective.
The name Talen was actually given to me through a challenge but I thought it would be good to use as it was so unique for a unique character that I'd created. I thought the encorperation of a seer into this would portray the power they actually did have over belivers of their ability when in reality we know that it probably wouldn't have been true. I love Hufflepuff but as they were a pureblood family I felt that that was one which would have the most impact on their family due to it been seen as the 'weaker' house.
I tried to encorperate as much description as I possibly could however as it was a one shot I didn't want to make it overly long to put readers off.
I'm glad you enjoyed it :) and thankyou again for the review Report Review
I really enjoyed this! I thought you gave us a good descriptions and I was able to connect to Talan. I felt for him on a deeper level from the small descriptions and insights you gave us into his life. The needles, well, I understood why they were there and it just disturbed me because I don't like needles and stepping on one or two or more just made me cringe.
The last sentence made my heart call out for him. It was really very interesting to see that his family didn't want him from the start. He never got a chance unlike Sirius who had a chance and once he went to Hogwarts that chance was just thrown out the window. I wonder if he actually went to Hogwarts and was sorted if he would be sorted into the house his family would have wanted or sorted into another. I think you could really branch off from here and write a sequel perhaps because this doesn't seem like a one-shot but more of an introduction to a story. I'm wondering if perhaps if he could make a fake identity or something but then again the fact that I'm left wondering more makes it a one-shot if that makes any sense.
The only thing that confused me was the beginning. Why does it say: The Mallington family, at the very top? Is that the title of the story? If it is you may want to underline and perhaps make it bold too so that the reader can know that this is the title and not part of the actual beginning paragraph.Author's Response: Hey thankyou for the review. This story was really difficult for me to write because it was about a situation I could only begin to imagine and I was completely worried about how it would actually come across. I;m sorry you felt disturbed about the needles!
I'm glad that the last sentence really made you connect with him and I just thought it would be better that he didn't have a chance rather than go and be further shunned by getting into Hufflepuff. Other reviewers have said that it sounds more like the beginning to a story rather than a one shot.
I was writing this for a challenge and I named the family the Mallington family but forgot to remove it so I will have to do that!
Thank you for the review Report Review
Hi, this is blue.knight from the review tag.
So, I really liked how this story took a completely different perspective that we don't often see. The writing itself was well done- I do think, however, that you could have detailed Talen's feelings towards the middle a bit more. So when he first storms out, be a little more clear; you could say something like 'and he thought to himself, not again' (or 'not now/not here'). That way it won't be such an abrupt change, but it won't give away too much right away. I loved the premise of this story and sincerely wish there was more to it. To me, it reads more like the first chapter of a really amazing novel, than a one-shot. I don't feel like I got closure with Talen. It would be so cool if we he got a fake identity, or something like that, and snuck into Hogwarts and maybe confronted his parents? or saved his new village? Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. But great job! I don't often have this much to say about a story, but your story did that for me :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review!
I was actually considering turning this into a longer story but I really don't have time at the moment with more of my stories. I actually like the fact that it's a one shot because it does leave people guessing.
Thank you for all of your comments and your review though :D Report Review
so, this was really, really original and you gave a great sens of character in such a short piece. I also LOVE the name Talen. I've never heard it before, but I think it suited your character. oh gosh, this was also very sad and you captured all the emotions so well. Too much Hufflepuff abuse goes on in the HP world! We must end it once and for all! Anyways, great work, this was an awesome read!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. This was actually for a challenge so I was given the name!
Too much Hufflepuff abuse does go on but Im a proud Gryffie :D Report Review
WOW. thats all i can say. i really enjoyed this story. i loved the emotion in the story and i just love the idea. well done 1st place.Author's Response: Thankyou:D I really enjoyed writing it too! Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! :)
Before I start talking about the actual story, I want to mention the summary/chapter summary. The latter has a few typos (you don't always have spaces between the comma and the next word, and there's no period at the end of the second sentence). The former is a bit vague, and it just generally didn't grab me. How did he get where? Is segregated the right word, or abandoned? I'd suggest taking another look at it, and maybe asking for help in the summary thread on the board if you're having trouble.
Okay, on to the actual story.
Why is "The Mallington family" at the top? It's confusing, and I don't think it's necessary.
First paragraph: I wasn't really sure what you meant about the words filling Talen's head when he dreamed - he actually dreamed about the words? That seems less real to me. What I would have liked here would have been some allusion to his family problems there - you could have mentioned dreams about a cellar, about being alone, or something along those lines. It would have made for much stronger imagery. I was also a little confused by the reference to the sun rising, even though you later said his room was pitch black; even if the sun is rising, should you be using it as a reference point?
Second paragraph: The mention of the needles confused me for a few reasons. First, I wasn't sure what kind of needles they were, and second, I wasn't sure why they were strewn all over his floor if he didn't want to step on them. Why did he have so many rather than just one, and why did he carelessly leave them in front of his bed? One might make sense, but more than that, and it starts to feel implausible. (Also, "sheet less" should be one word, or you could just say "bare" instead.)
Third paragraph: The last sentence should probably be combined with the second-to-last sentence, with a comma instead of a period between them. I liked the detail you added in about his big toe - that's always where my shoes get worn out, too. However, I wasn't sure how a needle was pricking him... was the hole on the bottom??
Fourth paragraph: You do a couple very important things in this paragraph. You describe his room for us in a very intriguing way that tells us a lot about his life, and you set the mood of the house on the whole by the reaction to the creak of the door. I did want to see a little more explanation for the woman's extreme reaction, though - does she do this every day? Is it just an occasional thing?
Fifth paragraph: This is really good - you're giving us a nice look into his psyche as well as into his everyday life.
Sixth paragraph: It should be "Talen's," not "Talens." "Another small boy" should really just be "a small boy" - "another" indicates that you've already mentioned one.
Seventh paragraph: I liked your comparison between Talen and the floor (though I would suggest changing the comma after "place" to a semi-colon) - it really helps to give a feel for the circumstances he's living in. I would have liked to see a little more description of it, but it's a good comparison. In the same paragraph, I would cut out the "his mouth" from "... his mouth was still eating," because his mouth presumably isn't a separate entity. :P
Twelfth paragraph: Why is he angry? Where did the apples come from? This is a very abrupt change, and I wanted you to spend a little more time on it. While later I can gather that the magic probably upset him, as is I just wanted more of an explanation.
Thirteenth paragraph: "pitch black," not "pitched black." You also shouldn't have a comma after "long." Otherwise, I thought that your showing his anger so tangibly was a good thing, though I wished he'd had more of a reaction to breaking the mirror.
Fourteenth paragraph: "hoping to find more..." feels awkward to me for a few reasons. He would probably know whether he still had some, and the generic use of the word like this feels odd. I wanted more of a transition between his being fairly happy to his being so frantic, and I would have liked it if you'd described his frame of mind a bit better.
Sixteenth paragraph: it should be "dingy," not "dinghy."
Seventeenth paragraph: it should probably be "shunned," not "shunted."
End paragraphs: All of this is great. It tallies with what we know of some pureblood families perfectly, and really made me feel sympathetic to Talen and interested in his story. I wish that you'd spaced the explanation out a bit more or alluded to some of the details in earlier paragraphs, rather than just answer the question you pose in the story summary at the end, but as an explanation, it's good!
Also, throughout the entire story, your dialogue was a bit messed up in places. There's a great article on dialogue tags in the Grammar Guidelines section of the forums, but in short, you should always have some punctuation between the final word in the dialogue and the closing quotation. If a dialogue tag follows (he said, she called, etc), it should not be a period.
Those specifics aside:
This is a good story. It's interesting to see what happened to a kid who didn't fulfill his family's expectations because he wasn't even given the chance to, and to see how important your House at Hogwarts was to some people. I also loved how much weight was given to the seer, who was seen as infallible, when we know otherwise - but most of the wizarding world doesn't.
My main issue was that while I typically liked the details you gave, I wanted more of them. I wanted to get inside Talen's head a bit more, and really feel what he was feeling and experience what he was experiencing. Does that make sense? It's a good story that I wanted to be a little richer and smoother, so it could really cross into great. :)
If decide to edit this, feel free to PM me the edited version if you'd like my thoughts on it. :)Author's Response: Sorry for waiting so long to reply!
I love this review as its so helpful to the actual story and helps me develop as a writer.
I will definatly consider editing it at some point, well as soon as nano is over!
Thanks again xx Report Review
I like the way the chapter started out, with the three words, each of equal importance, which immediately creates an air of mystery. I always like how people start and finish the chapter in the same way, with the same words, which I feel is really effective.
I appreciate this is a one-shot, therefore is rather hard to include all the relevant information and description, nevertheless I think you made a great effort to do so. Although it is slightly confusing at the beginning what is troubling Talen, as you progress through the story all becomes clear, which I think wraps up the story well.
In the second-to-last paragraph, you have used quite a lot of fulls stops, which maybe could be sentences joined together by certain connectives? Other than that, the grammar is nearly spot on! :)
I especially like your use of paragraphs, it is much easier to read than a long, chunky piece of writing.
If I were to offer any suggestions of improvement, I would advise you to perhaps develop Talen's character a bit more so we become familiar with his personality, and a bit more description of how he ended up with Marguerite.
Other than that, this is a great adaptation of mystery in a one-shot, hard to do but you have done it very well. Well done, keep it up! :)
~ Happy Hedwig :DAuthor's Response: Thank you :D
This story was for a challenge but I felt that I really connected to it so I feel as if I need to try and put more information in. I may edit though Report Review
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