Ah. An Adele song-fic! I haven't had the chance to read much of these in a while.
I've only read maybe three or four Dom/Lysanders fics so I'm not really familiar with the ship, but everything goes in Next-gen anyway. Ahaha.
I really like the way you wrote the one-shot in a kind of dreamy way but I think it's just a bit confusing when the Dom and Lysander are arguing so you might want to go back and have a look at that again. Though, other than that I really enjoyed your bittersweet story.
I liked the ending very much and it made me realise how convenient it is to be a witch/wizard. With one wave of you wand, certain memories can easily be extracted from you mind! I wish I was able to do that.
Great job! I really liked it! ♥
89th review out of 100 Report Review
Wow, what imagery! I loved the ending, it was really wonderful - and great to see such a bittersweet Dom/Lysander! I hardly ever see this pairing, and you've done a brilliant job with it.
My only tiny criticism is that it is a bit confusing to read - I love the style of the writing, and I think it's gorgeously dream-like and ethereal, but at times I was wondering if it was the past or the present; especially the beginning part.
All in all, lovely one-shot! I really enjoyed reading it.
Megan xoAuthor's Response: Thank you! :) Report Review
Oeww A Dominique/Lysander story. Most of the time Iím not really fond of songfics but I really thought you did a great job with this! I thought the song fitted the story and that the story was really lovely! But I admit sometimes I got a bit confused but Iím sure that was just me.
So well done!Author's Response: Thank you! :) Report Review
Hi, darling, my dear, whatever. I'm going to start of with something maybe a little direct: why is it centered? I had some trouble focusing due to that since it's hard and rather annoying to be honest.
On to the story! I loved it... it was well, written, I got a little confused by the pairing at first but, hey, confusion is sometimes a good thing! No? Yeah! *ahum*
There is one part, that's a little confusing. The part where she talks to him and she talks.
'"For all you have done?" He nods. "blah blah."' Maybe it was just me, but I at first reading thought he was talking, not she. I had to re-read it a couple of times and letting people re-read is never a good thing. Just tellin' you! ;D
For the rest, I think you let the song come out so lovely, it really fitted and still the story was readable when you don't pay attention to it!
xOSBAuthor's Response: OSB!
My style is centered ;) Sorry though, I love centered text actually. Then you've got reading problem! :P
Readable when you don't pay attention? What? xD Thank you though!
Hi there, blueirony here with your review as per your request!
First of all, I want to congratulate you on how well you used the song into this and how it flowed into the writing seemlessly. Too often, song-fics just don't 'fit' writing. They might make it choppy and don't really add anything. Yours did. Some of the descriptions you used were beautiful and they just worked so well with the lyrics of the song. Really well done on your part in that respect.
Your plot is well executed. It's a bit sappy and dramatic but, you know what? I think it suits it. You really dig into Dominique's mind and emotions in this and it really suits the writing and, again, works very well with the song. You took a very simply concept (her relationship with Lysander) and turned it into an emotional journey. So your plot is good. I will say that the timeline and flow of this can be a bit confusing. I'm not saying that I don't understand it, I just did sometimes have to read a sentence again to fully understand where exactly Dominique is in terms of time. I know there is not a really linear plot to this or anything that requires signposts but I did get a bit lost and unsettled because I didn't know where Dominique was. I don't know if that makes sense. But it did add to this, in a way. Dominique is lost, hurt and confused. And it kind of complimented that, I think? You could work on it but you could also leave it as it is. It's raw and emotional and I think that it works well.
Dominique's character was also really well done. I really felt for her in this. It wasn't your typical sad story where the girl doesn't get the guy but I felt for her. I really did. And that is something hard to do because this type of story has been done over again many times. But you did well and that is largely due to how well you wrote Dominique.
Now, a few things I did pick up on:
1. Your first sentence is not a sentence. I know what you're trying to get at but maybe you might consider putting a comma after it instead of a full stop and joining it to the paragraph below?
2. After "I told you, I told you", you need to add a comma or a full stop or the word "and", depending on how you want it to read.
3. Your choice of vocabulary in the dialogue is very mature. "I shall murder you" and "never ceases to impress me" and "best be going" and "plead you" all sound good on paper but you might want to think about the characters and the era in which you are writing. This type of dialogue might have been expected of teenagers many years ago, but in the Next Generation era?
But, really, those three things are me being really picky. You can leave this one-shot as it is and it will still move people as it moved me.
Well done!Author's Response: Oh my gosh! Thank you for this amazing review!
I'm surprised I actually 'moved' someone. Sorry about the time confusion! - yeah you're right - it's supposed to compliment that Dom is lost, hurt and confused (and carried away) at times.
1) Not sure I get that. My sad brain for studying.
2) Sad grammar mistake :(
3) I was actually a bit basing it on myself, that part. When I get frustrated and angry and want to be ultra-sarcastic I start with the "Do not touch my stuff or I shall murder you with my singing." etc. And thought that this small habit be with Lily (who developed it from Dom) and Dominique. Lysander mimicks her style and says "Your humour never ceases to impress me."
Thank you :) Report Review
Hey! Perelandra here with your review!
This was good! However, in the line "A boy sat there, piercing his eyes"...that sounds rather painful...piercing his eyes...Also in the line "for I shall murder you once I get untangled.Ē When did she get tangled to begin with? Lastly "Lysander, my savior who he was never, true who he was never, a real person who he was never." That line was rather...weird. Unless I'm really lacking on sleep that was definitely off putting.
Other than that, I felt bad for Dom, poor girl. However, I can relate to her feelings and forgiving Lysander.
Anyway, I didn't spot any grammatical issues, only some 'technical' like the ones I pointed out but no biggie!
Keep on writing!
--PerelandraAuthor's Response: a) LOL HAHAHAHAHA - not literally piercing his eyes.
b) She dumped by her ex, so she became all angsty and sat in the rain. 'tangled'
c) Weird as in? :P He refers to her ex-boyfriend. It was more of a challenge for me not to use EX-BOYFRIEND or ex as a matter of fact. Basically its saying "Lysander was my savior (remember he kissed her, she got her self-esteem back [which i don't mention]?) who my ex-boyfriend was never, a true person (before she got to know the truth!) who her ex-boyfriend was never (he constantly lied) and a real person (more like real boyfriend) who my ex-boyfriend was never."
Thank you :) Report Review
It's javct45 from the forums here with you review :)
First off, I loved this story. I found it a tad hard the first sentence after the lyrics (I don't usually read song fics). There were a few small grammatical errors but nothing too big :)
Just one question though, what exactly did Lysander do? Did he spread rumors about Dominique or was it just that he wasn't being 'himself' in the relationship? Because Lily didn't really explain it, she started to but she never got around to it.
I love the past two paragraphs of the story when Dominique met Lysander again when he was just about to get married. It made me feel really sorry for Dominique. AND that last scene where she washed away all of her memories of her and Lysander was just perfect!
It was very angsty, but I loved it! The description that you used to set the scene was brilliant. Simple, yet effective.
9/10Author's Response: Woohoo! Thank you :)
Firstly, song-fics are amazing if well written and I've read so many of them.
You mean these lines? like: "For the few days before my sixth year ended and the day he left me." & "For the blazing winter that was approaching and the bells ringing."
Its like Dom is saying "This part of my life is for my few days left of sixth year ends and for the time he (ex-boyfriend) left me." Usually its like a riddle-ish thing that you can get by reading the selective part :)
You're right, Lysander wasn't being himself in the relationship. He was all 'almost all the girls now like me, yay' so he was being loose with and bunking the relationship. But Dominique was too in love and obsessed to notice that and played it off with herself.
The ending scene is also my favourite, I thought it was the best and simplest way to (try) to end her love for someone.
Thank you for the review! :) Made my day! Report Review
Wow! This is seriously good! I love your style, the vocabulary (I'm a stickler for interesting words!), the pairing, the situation, the characterisation, everything in fact! These are a couple of things which I have noticed.
I do think that sometimes Dominique goes a bit far with the tragedy, making it just something that keeps getting her down or making one of her friends tell her off for overeacting might make it more believable. In it was intentional than do excuse me! There are a few grammatical and spelling errors to perhaps running it by a beta next time might be a good idea. Lastly, you switch between present and past tense at the beginning, so it might be worth going and sorting that out.
I really like the way that you use the song, it fits in beautifully with the storyline, and it's such a beautiful but tragic song that it really emphasises the mood of the story. Well done!Author's Response: Thank you! :)
I was thinking of editing some parts of my story, and I'm happy I can take your advice on the few points, definitely made me happy now! Report Review
This was a nicely written fic. I liked how you used my situation. There were a few grammatical errors here and there but overall this was a well-written piece. The angst really came off well. I liked your characterizations too. Overall, the plot and the narrative was good. I liked reading this.
P.S. The challenge results come very soon :)Author's Response: Thank you so much Aditi! ;) Report Review
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