OOH! A lovestruck teenage werewolf boy, interesting.
I love how you have the Katie problem, it explaains a lot.
KEEP WRITING :DAuthor's Response: Thank you! Report Review
So I have found my way to this story, and I quite enjoyed it. First of all, it clearly portrays the words of the poem it's supposed to be based on. Secondly, it is easy to read and the jumping back to the flashbacks was not confusing; it is the kind of a story that you smile once you are done with reading.
Nonetheless, I do believe that there were certain parts that could have been a bit more elaborated. For example, that part where Remus told Katie about his secret, she believed it too quickly. And I think that, even though it's a flashback and an old memory, Remus would remember more details about the shock of the first person he tells his secret to.
Anyway, I must go ahead and say once again that I really liked this one-shot. Great job!Author's Response: Hello!
I am so happy you found your way to my story and enjoyed it!
I really enjoy working with flashbacks especially with characters that we do not know a ton about, such as the Marauders. I find it enjoyable to attempt to figure out what their lives would have been like and how they would react to certain situations. So the fact that my readers are finding the flashbacks easy to follow makes me very happy.
I can understand where you are coming from with elaborating on areas of the story. With my one-shots I tend to get inspired by something site down and write them and I am done. This one was slightly trickier. If I do choose to re-write it I will probably lengthen several parts. Not 100% sure yet if I will do this or not.
Thank you again for reading and review my story! Report Review
(Prize Review #1)
First off, I love that you wrote this in first person from Remus' POV. Not a lot of authors branch out and get into the guy's head during a story and I enjoy that perspective so much more. At first, I thought it was kind of weird to have two characters with Egyptian origin names, but then you said they were twins, so it wasn't weird, it was cute. I like the names. They're creative without being ridiculous. Are they actually part Egyptian or? Sorry for what is probably a stupid question, I know that they're part of a novel you wrote, but I haven't read it.
So...then what? Lol. Does this continue somewhere? Does he tell her?
This is a good one shot, I really liked it. And considering I'm breaking in on the middle of the story, I'd probably like it even more if I were smart enough to read the novel first. :P --JennaAuthor's Response: I am happy you enjoyed the fact that the story was written in first person. Jumping into Remus's head was not the easiest thing to do, so I am happy to hear that you feel I did a good job. :) No that is not a dumb question. Most people are not that familiar with Egyptian mythology. And to answer your question yes that are both a part of Egyptian mythology. Isis is the most well know of the two goddesses while Sekhmet is not necessarily as popular. Sekhmet is the goddess of war.
I purposely left the ending open for two reasons. 1) Because I just wanted to focus on Remus making the decision not the follow through. 2) To get people who read this one-shot to go and read the main story to see what happens! Part of my evil plan to gain more readers, lol.
I know I only get so many review for winning 2nd place, but if you continue reading the Twins Series as I call it I would love to hear what you think!
Thank you! Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!
First, just as a quick sidenote: while you can post a topic in the betas wanted forum for a one-shot, you can also just PM one of the people who posted in the one-shot beta thread that's pinned at the top of the forum. It might be easier that way. :) (I would normally offer to do it myself, if you liked, but this is a busy month for me - as a Gryffie, you probably know some of the things I'll be spending my time on. ;) )
So, onto the actual review!
There were, as you mentioned, some mechanical issues. I'm going to address these, because I'm me - if you request further reviews from me, you'll notice that no matter what, I can't help but focus on mechanics before addressing the rest of the story. (That's not to say that your writing is bad, because it isn't - I'm just obsessive.)
There were some typos, but I'm actually not going to focus too much on those, because for me, the occasional typo doesn't really detract from the story if everything else is solid. I actually thought that sentence structure was a bigger issue than grammar and spelling - it's not that it was wrong, per se, but there were a lot of little things that were just a tiny bit off. For example, in the first paragraph, Remus thinks, "They most likely would be frustrated" - it would flow better if you rearranged that to say, "They would most likely be frustrated."
There were also a few points where little details in the story didn't seem quite believable to me. A few examples:
- In the first paragraph, Remus is listening to the sound of words appearing on the parchment. That seemed strange to me - typically, when you write, there's not a whole lot of noise made to begin with, and it seemed like it would defeat the purpose (and just be plain annoying) to have the sound of a quill scratching out every word that any of your other three friends were saying, you know?
- The way Remus talked about Katie seemed a bit age-inappropriate. If he met her a few years before he started Hogwarts, he was probably between seven and nine. While children that young certainly sometimes get crushes on people, describing it as love - even puppy love - as a teenager seems strange to me. It's an important part of the story, but I think that it would have read better if you'd toned down the romantic undertones a little to make them more believable.
- In general, I think that your portrayal of Remus as a child is a bit too sophisticated. The way he talks and thinks isn't consistent with an eight-year old - the lack of contractions and words like "demeanor" give the impression of a teen, not a child.
I thought that your portrayal of Remus here was really interesting. You integrated the flashbacks really well - they flowed nicely with the narrative because they were so relevant to his feelings and thoughts at the time. That can be difficult to do with flashbacks, and a lot of people don't really manage it, but for this story it felt completely natural. I also liked the content of the flashbacks themselves - I didn't feel like you spent too much time on any particular scene or just presented us with a scene without grounding it and giving it some context. Again, excellent job in that regard.
I also liked the way you portrayed Remus's friendship with James and Sirius. My only difficulty was that other than initially acknowledging him, you often seemed to leave Peter out. That happens a lot, and it's something that I'm often guilty of (because let's face it: I'm a Gryffindor, I'm pretty much required to hate Peter for his weakness of character :P ), but it's still a bit of a problem, because the thing is, he was one of their best friends. If you just add him into some of Remus's thoughts, however, it would be perfect. I like the fact that they're only tangentially talked about - this is clearly about Remus and Sekhmet, and his personal difficulties with girls. It's short, and just mentioning James and Sirius without actually showing them at all worked well within that context.
All in all, this was definitely a nice one-shot. It needs a little polishing, but you really captured Remus's character and emotions and made me believe his struggle as he paces around his room. :) Please feel free to request from me in the future when I have open slots!Author's Response: Hi Breezie! Sorry it took me so long to respond to your review things got a little crazy.
Thank you for the advice about the beta forums.
I did struggle quite a bit with the wording for the story. I do not normally write stories that revolve around children. I also always pictured Remus as a more grown up kid, he has always seemed so grown up, at least to me. I attempted to find that balance in my writing to make it more age appropriate, but as you have pointed out that still needs some work. I will defiantly be going back and rewriting it as soon as I get the chance.
I will defiantly take your advice about Peter. I, too, often find that I forget him a lot because he is such a weak character. I don't mean in terms of how he was written, but his personal character. That being said I am sure their are parts in the story where he could be mentioned more.
Thank you again for reviewing my story and I am happy that you did enjoy it over all. I will defiantly request reviews from you again! Report Review
First, thank you for participating in my challenge, dear. Once again, you've written a great fanfiction. It fits the poem greatly. You had a few spelling errors, mostly in the first paragraph, but it was easily readable in my opinion.
The results will be in tonight or tomorrow, dearest. :) Thank you so much and you did a magnificent job!Author's Response: Thank you! As usual I enjoyed taking part in your challenge! I felt the poem fit Remus very well especially with his struggle as a werewolf from such a young age.
Thank you again for your review and for creating another fun challenge! Report Review
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