Your chapter was kind of, all over the place. It was like you were trying to focus on too many things at once but you were darting from place to place trying to tell your readers everything.
You could've made the chapter longer by devoting maybe one or two or three or more paragraphs describing the setting and what was going on. Things wouldn't have seemed so rushed or messy.
Draco and Hermione sound very posh, Hermione has never referred to Ginny as Ginevra before, it seemed OOC to me. Good job on getting Ginny's name spelled right though, many people don't know the proper spelling.
Very little grammar mistakes and it was all in all a good chapter so congrats on that! It was really interesting to read.Author's Response: Wow! Thank you for this unexpected review! This is one of the very first stories I wrote... ever. So thank you, I am actually REALLY surpised you found it, for it tends to get burried under all of the ScoRose stories here! But thank you so much again for reviewing! :) Report Review
Tears are in my eyes. I am going to write one. Now.Author's Response: AH! I know, this was deffenintly my favourite to write! Glad you liked it! :) Report Review
Granger danger.AVPM if im correct right?Author's Response: Duh! haha, not very creative I know :) Report Review
Why does every scorose end up being ravenclaw
still its a 10Author's Response: Eh. Just what I wanted to do, but thanks girl! :) Report Review
Hi there, I'm back with the second review!
I felt that this chapter was a great improvement! :) I really liked that you put in some background for the two characters, and that we got some insight into Rose's homesickness for home!
The only thing that was really confusing was just the fact that you didn't really include who was speaking, so it was a little bit hard to follow.
And aww, I'm so glad they could bond over the library, it made me smile! This fic is shaping up well!
Thanks for requesting from me!
~VioletBladeAuthor's Response: Thanks! I am glad you liked it! Report Review
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review, and I'm sorry for the wait! I'm excited because Rose and Scorpius stories are one of my favorites! :)
Anyway, here goes!
Grammar: I think I would have to advise you to see if you can find someone to beta your story. The grammar issues don't necessarily take away from the story in a terrible way, but there are parts where knowing who is speaking could be helpful! So yes, there are dialogue punctuation issues and knowing who is speaking that really got to me! Other than that, this area seemed to be alright!
Characterization: I am sad we don't really get to see who Rose is at all hardly in this chapter. There's not much about her life, or how excited she is to be going to Hogwarts. And the bit where she takes orders from Scorpius was a little bit... weird. I would think Rose wouldn't take orders that easily from anyone, especially having just been in a compartment where she felt like she didn't belong, so she left. That I guess is the biggest thing for me!
Plot: Though there wasn't much going on in this chapter, I'm interested in seeing where it goes with Rose and Scorpius, and how their friendship develops. I'm also interested to see how she reacts to the fact that he's a Malfoy-- although at the end of the 7th book, her dad points him out to her, so there is that inconsistancy. I was also a little bit disappointed that there wasn't much interaction with the other family members that Rose has! I was interested in seeing your interpretation of the other family members.
All in all, it was an interesting but short read, and I can do the next chapter but because I'm behind in reviews I can't promise anymore than that! :)
Thanks for requesting from me!
~VioletBladeAuthor's Response: Thank you for your time. I really appreciate this review. Report Review
Hello, it's classicblack with your last review!
I have to say, this story was chock full of cliches, but that's what made it sweet and a pleasure to read.
I like the scene of Scorpius throwing rocks at Rose's window and that Ron and Hermione were watching them.
The ending, by the way, was beautiful. Really, I thought it was perfectly done. Those last lines: "That's all they needed. That's all they ever needed." were wonderful.
It was confusing sometimes because occassionally you switched from third person POV to first person POV and back again.
I think, as I said before, all this story really needs is some editing.
It's been a pleasure reading a reviewing.
classicblack from the forumsAuthor's Response: Okay, so let me just say, this was my absolute favourite chapter to write :) I know the POV are funky... I am actually in the process of just going back and editing so thank you for all your help! :) Report Review
Second to last review!
I must admit, I saw that coming- Rose's boyfriend cheating on her, that it. What I didn't see coming was that Scorpius knew about it. It takes a lot to surprise me, so well done! I never understood why a friend wouldn't tell their friend that their significant other was cheating on them, you know? It only makes it worse when they do find out and discover that you knew all along.
I loved your inclusion of the Potter/ Weasley cousins in the beginning.
classicblackAuthor's Response: Cliche right? I guess Scorpius didn't want to hurt Rose, by telling her, but I guess that back fired.. haha :) I had been wanting to incorporate the cousins for a while so I am glad you liked it :) Report Review
I here with your review- it seems I accidently skipped this chapter, haha.
I liked Rose and Scorpius's little Hogsmeade escapade and that Scorpius was chivalrous and bought Rose's things for her.
I think it's interesting that the Malfoys were tight on money when Scorp was growing up. It must have been a change for Draco!
I think that, overall, the main thing that this story needs is some editing. Just come back and fix that grammar mistakes, make some things a bit clearer, and all that jazz.
classicblack from the forumsAuthor's Response: Ah, I know. I occasionaly read them threw and am just like these are TERRIBLE gramatical errors! Thank you so much! Report Review
I'm back with your review!
I'm just going to come right out and say it: awww, poor Scorpius. He was so close to telling Rose how he felt and then she went and told him she was dating someone else!
A bit of confusion: how old are they now? Because obviously some years have passed. Sometimes things are a bit unclear in the chapters. A good way to make them longer, if that's what you want to do, would be to explain things more fully.
With Rose being bullied, I thought it was a nice touch to show that animosity in Hogwarts didn't just go away after Voldemort was killed. I liked that Rose stood up for her family.
I found some punctuation and grammar mistakes, but they weren't too bad.
classicblackAuthor's Response: I am deffeninty working on description with my new stories. Thanks for the reviews! :) Report Review
Hey I'm here with your review!
It's a bit strange, Malfoy falling for Rose when they're 11/12, but I suppose that Ginny fell in love with Harry at that age. Maybe it isn't so strange?
I like how Draco is nice, but it seems a little off to have him rambling on about how Ravenclaw is the best House and being so pleasant and nice to Rose. I don't think he would have changed so much, Scorpius is more the changed Malfoy. But I do like that Astoria isn't the calm and collected and nice mother that many fics have portrayed her as. Sometimes she's the polar opposite of Draco and it was nice to see that you didn't do that.
Otherwise, I liked this chapter a lot and the fact that you're really moving the story along nicely, which is difficult to do in a short story without it being choppy.
Nice job overall.
classicblack from the forumsAuthor's Response: I guess I just wanted Scorpius to have this strong bond, right off the bat. Thank's so much! Report Review
I'm back with your review!
First off, let me say that I like how you gave two different perspectives on the Scorpius/Rose friendship- one from the Weasley house and one from Malfoy Manor. It added variety.
That being said, it feels as if you're treating Rose and Scorpius as people much older than they are. They're 11, in their first year of Hogwarts- or rather just finished it- and they wouldn't really be thinking about how beautiful the other is. And Rose's moral advice to Hugo was a bit... grown up? It doesn't feel like the kids story I think you meant it to be.
Otherwise, I really liked this chapter. I think that you've got a cute little fic here, especially for your first one.
classicblack from the forumsAuthor's Response: Yes. One of my biggest regrets is the actual pacing of this entire story. I totally agree with everything your saying :) Report Review
Hey I'm back with your review!
Although this chapter was short, I think it was very well done. I liked that you had Rose and Scorpius taking a tour of the castle together.
That being said, I was a bit confused throughout this chapter. In the beginning, it said Scorpius was a lanky teenager. He's eleven, so it was sort of odd. Also the switch from the prefect to the Head Boy was a little off.
It felt a bit strange to me that Rose and Scorpius didn't have at least a bit of a hatred towards one another at first. Afterall, their parents weren't particularly fond of each other and Ron even says in the epilogue of DH that Rose should stay away from Scorpius. Ah well, it's probably because I'm used to Rose/Scorpius bickering. Everyone has a different interpretation. I think your way is nice too.
Also, isn't it a bit too soon for them to think about the fact that the other is attractive? At this stage in my life, I was still thinking the boys I wasn't friends with had cooties.
The chapter felt a bit choppy, especially with some of the dialogue, but the general gist of it was very childlike and happy. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
classicblack from the forumsAuthor's Response: Uhg, I know this chapter was choppy. It's one of those things where your like, I don't know what to do...bah! kind of moments, you know? :) Thanks again for the review! Report Review
Hello, it's classicblack from the forums with your review!
So far, I think you've got a great start to your story. You've really captured the innocence of eleven year olds, the nervousness of the first day of school, and how people would react to Rose's parentage. I wonder how Rose will react to Scorpius's parentage?
I like that Scorpius has some of his dad's pride and crassness, but that he's a bit softened, which allows him to become friends with Rose. I wonder if it'll be a bit like Severus and Lily except that they work out in the end.
It was also superb that you had them join together in Ravenclaw instead of having an inter-House relationship. Nice one!
I also like that the traditional Scorpius-Albus friendship wasn't the first thing that we were introduced to. It was nice that Rose and Scorp came first.
I must say, I laughed then Lorcan and Lysander called their mum looney. Looney Luna Lovegood, haha ;) It's a nice change to the usual Lorcan and Lysander who are just as barmy (yet awesome) as their mum.
I really liked that you began this with their first year, essentially picking up where JKR left off.
I found a couple grammar/ punctuation mistakes, but nothing too bad.
I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your story. So far, you've got a promising start.
classicblack from the forumsAuthor's Response: Thanks! I really appreciate you reviewing all of these! I really enjoyed reading them all!! Report Review
This has a nice premise to it, but it seems like there's just something lacking. Slow down the pace of your writing, don't skip between scenes so fast and really try and focus on what you're writing. Be sure to describe things in full and elaborate on a scene or situation as much as possible. The scene where Rose and Scorpius met was nice, but you could've definitely expanded on it more. When writing, remember to focus on the five sense: sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. Use them whenever you can, and you won't be lacking in descriptions. Don't overkill, though!
The initial dialogue sounds a bit awkward. It sounds too formal and unrealistic to be a conversation between a family, and you should really interject something other than just what they're saying. It's fine to only have dialogue for two or three lines, but going on for so long with nothing BUT dialogue can quickly go downhill if you're not careful.
When writing, be careful not to use too many commas. It's a really common mistake that many authors make. Too many commas create unnecessary pauses in the writing and make it look and sound messy.
Lastly, you've got a few typos. When the Scamander twins are talking about their last name and say "over rated," it should really be "overrated." Also "quitich" is a proper noun that's spelled Quidditch.
Thank you for requesting a review!Author's Response: Thank you very much some very good advise. I am deffenintly going to go back and edit, becauase it needs some work. Thank you for the help! :) Report Review
AW that's so sweet! I can't believe this is over. I really do hope you make a sequel.
~DramionedrunadrinnyAuthor's Response: Thank you so much. Thank you for your loyalty and reviewing of every chapter. I may consider doing an epilouge type thing, just for you. Thank you so so much, this means the world to me! Report Review
Hey and well done for an amazing story, I've enjoyed reading it so much and want to say thank you for writing it :)
I actually grinned when I read the line 'Rose Weasley loved Scorpius Malfoy' I really just felt so happy :)
The sweetest ending, it really was and just so happy as well. The last line was beautiful and, yes I just want to congratulate you really on a wonderful story :)
-Lizzfizz (100/10) :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I really appreciate you reviewing all 8 chapters! For me, this last chapter was my absolute favourite, so I am so glad you liked it! Thanks again, I loved your reviews! Report Review
Hey me again,
Loved the first bit about the planning of the holidays with the cousins :)
I do love this story now, and another long chapter :)
I like the way you split up the chapters into sections, makes the story really easy to understand and can I just say that you've got some great chapter titles and I know sometimes it can be hard thinking of them (or at least for me :p) Anyway, you've managed to introduce and dismiss a character in one chapter and you've pulled it off! I don't find myself wishing for loads more about Charlie, Rose's now ex-boyfriend but yeah :)
Another fab chapter, :)
-Lizzfizz (10/10) :DAuthor's Response: Thanks! I had been reading some other next-gen fan fics and realized I really haven't incorperated them at all! Me either, Charlie has been hard to write, but it was necissary, for the plot. For chapter titles, for this story at least, I tried to find something directly in the text, but for the last 2 that totally just went out the window :) Report Review
Hey again, it's me,
Oh, my heart broke a bit when Scorp let that flower smash, though i really liked that bit, just the efecct that it brought to the chpter. The punching in the nose, was great, reminded me a lot of when Hermione punched Draco in the nose (I'm guessing thats where you got the idea from) Also, well done for writing a long chapter, I throughly enjoyed readng this one :)
-LizzfizzAuthor's Response: Oh my gosh me too! It was so hard to write! AH! You're the first one to pick up on the parrallel of the punching with Hermione and Rose! Congrats! I put that in there to get a taste of a more fiesty Rose, but also that there is alot of Hermione in her! :) Report Review
Hmm interesting chapter, liked it. Short, but sweet. The end really showed Rose at her moodiest, it did make me laugh a bit though. Is this their second year? Or no it must be at least their third becasue they're in Hogsmeade right? One thing, when you said 'bangs' I think you mean 'her fringe' Just thought i would mention it so you know :) But that doesn't matter to much anyway, I really like reading this chapter :)
-LizzfizzAuthor's Response: I know it was short, I had a bit of writers block in the sence that I had written a different chapter four and as I was about to submit it, I ended up feeling that it wasn't right, so I had some troubles getting back after that. However, I did incorperate some of the orriganal chapter 4 into chapters 6/7, so I was happy with it. I totally overlooked how they can't go to hogsmead until 3rd year! Thank you so much! I will fix that right away. Also, the fringe, since I'm not brittish I tend to overlook some of those things, so thank you! Report Review
Really enjoyed this chapter, very sweet.
Up until now, I thought Mr. Malfoy's niceness was a bit creepy but now I think I understand, since he never got the chance to just be a kid, he feels he wants to give his son a chance and try to make others feel welcome, even if he does end up going on a bit. Also I like that you've still kept some meanness at Malfoy Manor with Scorps mum. Also really sweet ending :)
-LizzfizzAuthor's Response: Yeah, but when you think about it, Draco is just a bit creepy. Anyways, thank you for understanding why I did that. I felt at the time that it wasn't exactly relevant, but I see where you are coming from now, and have helped me change my own mind. I absolutly LOVE Mrs. Malfoy, because I didn't really see a true antaginist in this story, but she was a nice touch :) Report Review
:) You've captured the main characters really well: Hermione Ron Harry Ginny George, the one thing I'm not sure about is that would Hermione really accept that so quickly when everyone else is so suprised, in my mind Harry might convince Hermione but then that is only my opinion so feel free to ignore that. I do like the way you haven't dragged on about their year at school, but maybe one short chapter about it might have been nice, like I said though, these are only suggestions for you to think about.
Anyway, I am really looking forward to see Malfoy and Astoria's reaction to Rose and Scorpius' reaction to his parents around Rose. :)
-LizzfizzAuthor's Response: I actually did feel that Hermione would react like that, because she is the most level headed in this story, but I deffenitnly see where you are coming from. I feel like there are some loose ends, such as what in the world are they doing at school! So I might go back and add in a chapter somewhere. Report Review
I actually quite liked the short-ness of the chapter. I really like the idea of them both being in Ravenclaw and it's a really sweet story so far :)
The library bit really summed up the two of them didn't it? It was great. I really do like your characterisation of them, you can definitely tell that Rose is Hermione and Ron's daughter.
Really enjoying reading this :)
-LizzfizzAuthor's Response: Thank you so much. It's great to see someone seeing it the way I did! :) Report Review
Hiya here with your review :)
Nice start, I liked it. You've introduced about the right number of characters and also some friendships. I like your characterisation of everyone, Scorpius Malfoy's personality interests me. Quite different to other versions, I'm looking forward to see how he turns out. Good ending to the first chapter as well.
Great start, can't wait to see whats going to happen :)
-LizzfizzAuthor's Response: Alright, so the thing with Scorpius is I intruduced him as this almost mean and unfriendly character, but I feel like I didn't quite acheive what I wanted to in the following chapters. But I guess, if you liked it, than I did it well. :) Report Review
i like this.please update soonAuthor's Response: Thanks! I will try! :) Report Review
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