Howdy, leaving a review for team bronze! :)
Gunna say in advance, I wish to god I hadn't read this with such a bad migraine cuz it was really distracting me from the words and it took me a while to actually click onto the plot behind the scene unfolding. I feel like a moron for that, boo migraine :(
I enjoyed this little snuff peice lol. Bad terminology, I'm sorry. Brain fried.
You had a very nice use of description throughout this and whilst second person narrative is not my favourite, you did a very nice job maintaining it throughout the story, so well done. I liked how you captured a lot of description and put very vivid and clear images in my mind, particularly the falling to her knees in the esence of his life (blood), that was good.
One thing I will remark on is that the only way we know it is the characters you've listed in the chapter summary is because of the chapter summary... :S Without names etc, you do add the mystery but I think given it's in second person too, it makes it a little more open to interpretation, rather than "yes, it's those three" in the readers mind. I could have envisioned it being any other character due to the lack of information regarding the characters identity beyond the chapter title, for example the era or a nod to a characters lineage etc. If it's just I missed it due to the migraine, ignore that and I give you permission to whack me about the head with a fish.
I did enjoy this peice though, looking forward to reading more of your stuff which I'm sure I will throughout the BvB battle :) Have a good one!Author's Response: Hello! Sorry it has taken me FOREVER to respond to this!!
I imagine that, as confusing as this story already is, it would have been slightly boggling with a migraine. I can't believe you were even in a state at all to read fanfic, hehe, when I get migraines I'm sick in bed all day. That's quite impressive dedication ;)
Also, don't be hard on yourself because this piece is confusing! This was my first real go with second-person, though it did come pretty natural. Someone running away from the law for murder would tend to identify with their outside world if they couldn't retreat within themselves. The moment Rose does it becomes overwhelming and she becomes a little crazy.
I know the piece isn't exactly character specific. That's something I've been working on with my writing. I did talk about red hair and teddy being a metamorph/werewolf but it was verrry subtle so there will be no fish-smacking from me :P
Thanks so much for the review, I appreciate it, and though it's months and months later I hope that you did manage to feel better soon :) Report Review
Right. so um, NOT FAIR LILY!!
this is a stunning piece - a total WOW moment when i worked out just what was going on. nicely set-up by the way - i was convinced for so long that rose had done the naughty deed...
anyway, plot wise i loved the darkness in this. i adore a good dark fic and this is one of the best i have read. it is not steeped in gore or blood but the darkness lies inside rather than out, i think. does that make sense? I know what i mean in any case, lol.
your command of language in this is staggering! i am downright jealous right now because this is beautiful writing and i really hope people find this story and squee about it all over the place because it is a complete work of art.
you handle the second person beautifully - one of my favourite POV's to write in and read, when it is done right and boy have you handled this correctly. i was involved from the first sentence, totally pulled in and as the story unfolded and your language swept me away...just wow, Lily.
i love how you have used the senses and colour to create such a realistic atmosphere and to establish place and emotion. if i were to quote my favourite lines i'd double the size of this review so i won't, only tell you that you are an amazing writer and i want to see more of this style from you!!
Kate xxAuthor's Response: AH! I can't /believe/ how much positive feedback this is getting! I knew I liked it myself, but this is just...more than I anticipated :)
It means so much to me to hear all these compliments from you! I like more of a psychological thriller myself--and although this is far from, well, a /thriller/, I decided I'd go with saturated emotion and observation rather than getting right into the bloody action.
Also I'm sort of just gaping at the rest of this review--I think it's probably a bit kinder than I deserve, BUT I WILL TAKE WHAT COMES MY WAY. :)
Thank you so, so much for the review, and I'm more than pleased that this was a good experience on your side of things as well!
Hi there, it's Atomic from the forums responding to your review request!! I'd like to apologize for how long it took me to get to you. I'm having time management issues with school at the moment.
So, I absolutely loved the second person narration. You did a wonderful job with it, and your descriptions were absolutely brilliant. I could really smell the sea and hear the waves the way you were describing it. It really helped the the second person narration, too. Everything just seemed so realistic. You are a wonderful writer.
I will admit though, I had trouble figuring out the plot. I knew that someone was murdered, but I had to go back and read the ships in the summary to figure out who killed who and why. I know you wanted to be ambiguous about it, but a little more detail would definitely help the flow. I think I was following pretty well until you wrote "you had a hundred thousand fingerprints and you could choose any of them to be yours." This made me think that the story was written from Teddy's perspective. But if you tweak things just a bit I think it would be more clear what is going on.
Overall though, you did an amazing job! Especially with just a quick little one shot! Great job, and keep up the good work! =DAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reviewing :)
I'm glad you enjoyed the second-person; I was just so unsure of it! Also thank you for the compliment :D
Yes, the plot. Oh, the plot. I did make it ambiguous on purpose--AND I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THE FINGERPRINT THING -facepalming over here-. It makes sense that that would allude to Teddy. Grr. I meant it as more of there are a lot of characters in a book that you could chose to be--and also all the other fingerprints of people who had read it. Thinking of all of them--how many times you touch a page, the cover, etc--is a bit overwhelming, but I think would be a comfort for someone who wants to be anyone but themselves.
Thanks so much, I'll take your advice into consideration :) Report Review
This is quite a story. I've read it over a couple of times to make sure that I paid attention to the "plot" rather than the words and their arrangement. Your writing is beautiful here, and it's easy to become lost in its current, even once one reaches the scene of murder. That moment doesn't jar at all, and that's disturbing, but brilliantly done with that long sentence that pushes the reader onward.
The setting is also very powerful - your use of colour and the elements was excellent in creating visuals. Abstract visuals of colours and light and shadow, but they suited the words - to see anything clearly just wouldn't work as well. One has to dig through the words to read between the lines. It's a story that requires all of one's attention, forcing the reader to think through what's going on and what it all means. And that's what makes it amazing.
Your work deserves so much more attention that it gets! It's been a long time since I've read something quite to this calibre, and I hope that you'll continue to give us more brilliant stories to read. ^_^Author's Response: I think I'm fangirling over this review right now--I never though this fic would receive half the compliments it has! I knew that I had created something that I liked to read out loud--imagery has that effect I think--but sometimes what I write surprises me, with all due modesty. I think this was one of those.
Thank you so much! I think I don't write very popular ships/genres so I don't get much traffic, but reviews like yours make up for that completely :) I appreciate them so much and am always excited to see that such a great writer as you is dropping in on my stories. Report Review
Huh. I like a good dark fic and this was very dark to say the least.
You had excellent descriptions that rival Jo's. I was very impressed. Those first few paragraphs were superbly amazing. I really could see, hear, feel, and somehow smell the setting.
First and foremost, do you understand the story?
I think so. Teddy killed Rose to be with Dom. Is that correct? That's what I think it is... Am I close?
Also, my first serious stab at second person--how do you think it works?
Wow, I didn't even notice! I think that's good as it didn't distract from the story and fit in well.
Is it too dramatic?
Perfect amount I believe.
Do you get the feeling of the narrator?
Very much so!
Do you understand who the characters are?
Teddy is the narrator. He kills Rose. He leaves with Dom. I think.
Perhaps at the end in an A/N, you could summarize what happened or something to clear up what happened.
YES! This was a very good dark fic and I'm going to favorite it! :DAuthor's Response: Glad twas dark enough for you :)
The story is a little different: Rose walked in on Dom killing Teddy because both of them loved him and she was jealous etc. The murderer was never caught and Rose decided to get away to forget about the whole affair, but then Dominique apprehended her and came with her. They're in Marsa Alam, Egypt :)
Glad the second person worked as well!! Also your other positive responses are very encouraging to me--only Rose is the narrator, Dom kills Teddy, and Rose leaves with Dom. I know it's confusing but I'm not sure if I should clear it up or leave it kind of up to interpretation.
I'll think about the A/N, it could be helpful! But I sort of like it where it has some fluctuation in explanation...it's interesting :)
Thanks so much for your review, and also of course your fav :D Report Review
Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow! This was amazing.
Like, I can't even write this review because I'm so jealous and proud and a hundred other things because this is beautiful. I want to shout so many rhetorical questions at you right now, haha, like, WHY IS THIS SO GOOD? and, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
Even from the first sentence, I was just like, 'this is going to incredible'. How did you make this come out of your brain, seriously? (rhetorical!) It is astounding. And I can't think of any other words to use. I think this is a hint that maybe I should get on with the review you requested, and not a review I could ramble on with for 100 years.
I thought the second person thing was amazing, and really well done. I mean, you were talking to ME, and so that carried me away with the rest of the piece, and, although (for me...probably not for others though, haha!) this was kinda shrouded in mystery, it didn't really matter, because the sheer quality and beauty of the sentences you had put together was enough to make this so enjoyable. The atmosphere was just a bonus, just another factor to make this amazing. You could have been writing about chickens and it would have been amazing. I think I am, right now, your biggest fan.
You asked if the second person thing suited the tone, and, of course it did, you silly billy! I think it heightened the tone by a million percent. It was more secretive, something only I could know, something told only to me, which boosted the atmosphere and made this more eery, more strangely beautiful and poetic. This was just super.
The actual words you used, too, were just amazing. Every detail was paid attention to, every movement, every emotion, every touch, every shade of light and dark and in between... It was just beauty. All of it.
You've only had one review?! Outrageous. Blasphemous. Request a review from EVERYBODY. Get EVERYONE to promote it in their sig. Get EVERYBODY to change their usernames to 'Crystallized'. Honestly. People need to read this, because it is a piece of literary genius. It reminded me of 'My Last Duchess' a little bit, the way in which the Duke keeps it all a secret and builds up the tension. (I have over studied that poem in school, hahah!) SEE! You MUST be good, for I am comparing you to Robert Browning! :D
Okay, I've resorted back to rambling, so I don't wish to spam you any longer. This was honestly so wonderful. Keep writing. You're a star.
Laura xxxAuthor's Response: Speak of amazing, look at your review! I'm floored by how much you love it! So grateful :)
I'm so glad second person worked! It just sort of--happened for this story, which is unusual and I thought something maybe went horridly wrong with my brain. I like it myself, so I'm glad it doesn't look all smarmy or anything from your pov !
Also I'm really giving the chickens comment serious thought. They're severely underrepresented in fics these days. BIGGEST FAN YAY!! presents for you :D
I can occasionally describe things intently enough to cause damage to my story, but I did try to pull it back a little for this one. I think maybe because the psychological already borders on physical description or something like that.
V. honored to be compared to Browning :D Also your review is so kind and fangirly, thank you so much!! Report Review
Lily. This is SO beautiful. I know it's Horror/Dark, but I don't think it's that in the classic sense. It's kind of romantic and almost yearning, in a way. You can relate to Rose (minus the knives) and everything she's feeling. It's Horror/Dark, but it's not so far fetched or dramatized. You have so much fantastic imagery in here - I really savored it. And the second person POV, which I generally am not a fan of, seems to work really well in this genre, because it kept this feeling plausible, and not some fantastical scenario. Despite this being Horror/Dark and I'd like to think horrible things don't really happen day-to-day, I can imagine this happening perfectly. You captured all of her emotions beautifully without ever really feeding them to us.
At night you shed your salt and the stars reminded you of how much there was apart from this single thread, apart from this beach, apart from this planet spinning towards its own death in time. The starlight, he once told you, that you see right now happened eight minutes ago in space. And you know how quickly light moves. Eight minutes ago, when the sun began to set, you never really knew where it actually was.
I loved that bit. So pretty. Loved it, Lily ♥
NishaAuthor's Response: Aw hi nisha! It's more of a psychological thing, I like to think :) HEEE yeah I'd understand how the knives might not be something everyone can relate to ;)
I'm also generally not a huge fan of second person. In my supremely humble opinion I think a lot of authors use it when they want to sound fancy or really talented, even when it doesn't always fit the tone of the story. With this one it sort of just came out that way--I went back and attempted to write it in third-person, but I thought the secrecy of it all didn't come across as well.
Your compliments are so apt because you're describing things I hoped would be the results of this piece--thank you SOOO much for reviewing!! (h) Report Review
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