Lovely story!! I am totally loving it!! :)
James and Sarah are sooo adorable!! I hope you put lots of flirting between the two in the future chapters.please update soon! Report Review
So I decided to wait until the end of the chapters thus far to review. Overall, I enjoy the story, though some of the writing seems to be a bit juvenile, but that's acceptable assuming your age to be late teens. The story is far more enjoyable than not.
My most important comment here, WHICH I THINK YOU SHOULD DEEPLY CONSIDER, is finding yourself a betareader (or just beta). They are there to help you read over your work and critique it for spelling, grammar, contextual, and other such errors before you post the story for the general public. And not to be unkind, but you my friend, have several spelling/grammar errors. And your story gets to be a bit repetitive in places, and a beta can help you paraphrase words or ideas as to make them seem more original.
That's it. Overall, good story. :] Report Review
It was a nice surprise to see that you had updated this story! The date seemed to go too well for James to give up on messing with Sarah. And why wouldn't he rub the date in Brisco's face the next time they got into a fight? Report Review
Argh, I should have written this review as soon as I read the chapter because now I've forgotten what I was going to say! But I did like this chapter, I always love a good Quidditch chappy :) And I LOVE that Hufflepuff lost (but only just) because it's going to add some nice drama to the story :)
On a side note, I sent you a message on the forums about Beta-ing so check that out if you'd like me to have a look at your chapters.
xx Report Review
I cant wait for the date to happen 9/10 : ) Report Review
Oh poor sarah. 9/10 : ) Report Review
Wow that last line was dramatic 9/10 : ) Report Review
This is a good story. 9/10 : ) Report Review
This story is interesting although a bit slow at this stage. 9/10 : ) Report Review
Great first chapter!! 9/10 : ) Report Review
Another good chapter, I liked the way you really focussed on Sarah, we learnt a lot more about her in this chapter. I really like Sarah, she's a great heroine, she's likable but not in an over the top way that makes her seem to perfect. She's got flaws, which makes her more realistic. If I was at Hogwarts, I'd want to be her friend :) The tension between her and James is really good, it's not too much but it's enough to make you think there's something else going on there...at least on James' behalf!
I'm not sure how I feel about Briscoe yet, I know we haven't met much of him but I get the feeling he's a little too perfect. I'm not sure if that's what I'm supposed to feel...maybe I just have a soft spot for James, even if he is a git :)
The spelling/grammar/punctuation thing still bothers me (sorry!) but I'm such a grammar Nazi so it probably bothers me much more than other people. Do you have a beta? I'd be happy to look at your chapters if you want.
There were also two inconsistensies that bugged me. Firstly, the ipod: electrical items don't work at Hogwarts, there's too much magic around and it messes it up. Hermione explains that in Order of the Phoenix and I doubt that would have changed since the Trio were at school. I guess you can ignore that but I think it's kind of important and she doesn't really need to have an ipod...you could always invent some sort of magical music device I suppose.
Secondly, you said that Dom and Avril were both beaters but then Sarah's trying out beaters? There's only two beaters on a Quidditch team...did you maybe mean that Avril was a keeper? Also, the idea of two female beaters seems a bit far fetched...being such a strength-based position I would think it leads itself more to male players.
Ok, I'll stop there, I really hope you don't mind my suggestions or my long-winded reviews. I really do like this story and I can't wait to see where it goes from here. I'm a bit sad that there's only two more chapters until I'm caught up though...I'm really enjoying having something to read! Keep writing! xxAuthor's Response: Yeah, well, Briscoe's kind of just a secondary character. He's there just to add more drama to the whole James/Sarah stuff. He'll have a bigger role later on in the story.
So, the reason the grammar isn't the greatest, is because I usually write my chapters early in the morning, so there are bound to be some mistakes, and then when I go through them later on, before I post them, some of the mistakes I don't seem to catch. So, if you're serious about beta-ing this story, I would love for you do to that. Just send me a message, or something, and we can get it all settled out.
And, as for the inconsistencies; the i-pod was just something that I added, because in all honesty, I was really tired, and couldn't create something more 'magical' and wizard-like. I don't see the issue in it now, but in the future, I will think about going back and changing it to be something more fitting.
and as for the beater situation, again, it was way to early, so I must have accidentally added that. Avril is the beater, Dom is a chaser, and Briscoe is the keeper, like dear old dad. ;) I've gone through it though, and edited it, so it should be good in a couple of days.
You're reviews mean a lot to me; as a writer, I feel like I really need the constructive criticism that I get here. I don't have much of that in real life, so it's nice to see it here. Report Review
Omigosh it's ridiculously late and I'm yawning like crazy so I'll have to read the rest of the story tomorrow, but I'll leave a review for this chapter before I go to sleep :)
I liked this chapter, it's nice to see Sarah developing a backbone, it fits really well with the whole 'let's make this a great year' concept, she's really trying to be more confident. I also have to say that I LOVED the flashback. It was perfectly placed, flowed beautifully and was exactly what was needed to explain Sarah's relationship with James. It was also a good reason for Sarah to hate James so much. It's exactly the sort of thing an 11 year-old would use to develop a grudge against someone. Sorry, I'm gushing, but I really liked it :)
Just a few things that didn't sit right with me:
*Grammar/spelling/incorrect word usage. Sorry, I keep mentioning this but it's my pet peeve. I find it very distracting, which is a pity because I actually think you have a lovely grasp on language and write really well but it sort of gets overshadowed by those little errors. Editing/Beta-ing is a good idea.
*I didn't quite understand why the other Gryffindors came in and sat down. If they were just looking for James, surely they'd leave once they found him? Usually tormentors don't hang around, they pick on someone and take off. I dunno, that bit just felt a bit strange to me.
*I thought her description of her uniform was a bit long-winded and redundant. It didn't really add any new information because the majority of the people reading this story would have seen the movie depiction of the uniform and already have that image in their mind, so when you've got this paragraph descibing something you already have a detailed image of in your head, well your mind starts to wander a little. Does that make sense?
I hope you don't mind the suggestions, it's meant to be constructive and helpful and of course you're welcome to ignore it :) I really think this story has so much potential though and I'm definitely starting to get into it. I often have trouble finding fan-fics that I enjoy reading but you have a lovely writing style and I'm hooked! Can't wait to read the rest of the chapters. xx Report Review
A good second chapter, it flowed really well and you introduced the characters really naturally without it sounding like you were just listing off their characteristics (which you unfortunately see in fanfics a lot), so that was great. I like that each character is different but not in a stereotypical way, you haven't just gone for the stock standard 'funny one' 'pretty one' 'clever one' etc, which makes your characters so much more believeable.
I personally LOVE that you've put all of these girls in Hufflepuff. So often people think that all Gryffies have to be super brave and adventurous, all Ravenclaws have to be geeks, all 'puffs are boring and shy etc. But if you look at the canon characters, there are so many examples of characters who don't fit the mould: Neville Longbottom, Cedric Diggory, even Hermione! Good on you for making 'puffs who like to pull pranks and make trouble, or who enjoy reading...once again I think it adds realism.
There are still a few grammar, spelling issues etc, which could be sorted with a good edit, and occasionally the details are a bit hard to follow. do you have a beta? It might be handy to have someone else look over things for you. Just a thought.
Overall, I'm really enjoying the story and I still want to read more! Sorry about such a long, rambly review! I can't help myself :) Report Review
A good start, you've done well for your first story. It's a good concept and it's always nice to see the 'Puffs getting some attention :) I wouldn't worry about the length of this chapter, it's actually relatively short. I notice the other chapters are longer, which is good.
Your writing is fluid enough that the story reads quite well, my only suggestion would be to really take the time to properly edit because there were a few instances where the wrong word was used (such as 'was' instead of 'were' or 'exciting' instead of 'excited') and I found that stopped the flow while I stopped to understand the sentence.
Otherwise, I think this story looks really interesting and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter! Well done :) Report Review
ANOHER SUPER MEGA FOXY AWESOME CHAPTER!!! I'm upset that it took so long but you definately made up for it!! :) :) :)Author's Response: I'm glad you though my chapter was SUPER MEGA FOX AWESOME. Sorry it took so long, life's been kind of busy. But, I'm working on the next few chapters now, so there shouldn't be that much of a wait. Report Review
Haha, love it! This story is really funny, it's nice to see a Puff in these stories, they are always a Gryffie or Slytherin: it gets boring.
Yepdidoo, so I have like, just read the whole story, but I (don't hate me!) couldn't really be asked to review every single chapter, so I thought I would just do it for your most recent one, YAY!
1) It's nice to see Puffs as main characters (like I said before) because no one would have really expected Dom to be a Hufflepuff, good choice *thumbs up*
2) Rival Quidditch Captain, I'm surprised I haven't seen this in any James/OC stories before, because it's a good idea. Especially as she is a 5th Year so it's not like she would have the confidence that say... a 6th or 7th year would have.
3) James' cockiness, I've always said that (well I have said to myself, in my head) James /has/ to be cocky, it's in his nature. So snaps for you!
And so far, that's all I have to say!
Loving it, especially the fact that Sarah is Bridget Mendler O.o
x xAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like my story; I agree, there aren't enough Hufflepuff stories out there in the world of HPFanficion.
I could never hate some one who liked my story, especially if it's over some silly reviews. I'm just glad you were able to at least review one of the chapters; I love hearing that people like my story!
1.) I didn't expect people to see Dom as a Hufflepuff, so I figured it would be a nice surprise. Glad you like it.
2.) I'm glad you like the idea. I've read a few stories that have James/OC as rival Quidditch Captians, but usually it's their seventh year. But, I didn't want my characters to be that old (they were in the original story idea I had, but after writing out a detailed plot, I realized younger would be better). However, I didn't know if people would think 5th year being to young to be a captain, or something...
3.) I'm glad you like James's cockiness; I agree, James doesn't really sit well with me, unless he's at least a little cocky.
I'm glad you like Sarah's play-by; I wanted her to be blonde, but I didn't want to use all those play-bys that people use a lot. Plus, she still had to look young enough to be fifteen. Report Review
I really love this story so get a writtin`plz hurry i wanna see her have quite the epiphany cuz u sure r playing this one bigAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like it, and hope the next chapter is up to par; I really wasn't planning on making it such a big deal (well, I was, but I wasn't going to make everyone wait for so long to see what happened). Report Review
This story is so good! i cant wait for more (:Author's Response: Aw, thanks! I'm glad you like it. Report Review
Darn it I was really looking for that date. I'm really glad you put it in the challenge. Im just kind of upset that I'll have to wait so long again. But love your story!!!Author's Response: I promise, it'll be up soon; I'm working on the chapter right now, so I should have it up in the next couple of days. Do not fret!
Ah no date yet, but I have this mysterious feeling that she's going to break up with her boyfriend or him break up with her... But as ever BRILLIANT!(:
~Pottergirl04Author's Response: *shrugs* we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?
thanks, I'm glad you like my story. Report Review
Oh. my. bubbles. What is her boyfriend up to?! This is so goingg to be intresting!(:
~Pottergi04Author's Response: I dunno, I guess you'll just have to wait for the next few chapters to find out! (actually, I can tell you, nothing is going to happen... at least, not yet). Report Review
Oh my god! You have to keep writing adm i must say this so far is my Favorite. I mean she already has a boyfriend, so what happens of gryffindor wins!? Ohh suspension(: lol
~Pottergirl04Author's Response: Well, if Gryffindor wins, then Sarah's going to have to go on a date with James. I wonder how that'll work out. Report Review
I honastly didn't see that one coming haha. I thought there would be at least one fued, but hey I still enjoyed it!(: Report Review
I'm still excited to see what Pptter has up his sleeve, but I absolutely love how different all three girls are and the pranking war!(:
~Pottergirl04 Report Review
I like the beginning it really gets me wondering about what Potter is up to(:
~Pottergirl04 Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection