Are you ever gonna update this story?? It's an amazing story, I love it! :) Report Review
Can you please update this story? That would be so great! Report Review
Please update soon! Have been waiting for so long :(Author's Response: I know :( I'm so sorry! I'm trying to finish this incredibly long one-shot I've been working on for months. I think I may finish it tonight, and then I can go and work on Reverse :) Report Review
original story with Rose in slytherin! Please update soonAuthor's Response: I'll try to! I've been so busy at TDA and school, I haven't had any time. I really want to :) Report Review
why haven't you posted anything in a while?! arnt you going to finish the story?Author's Response: ah I'm sorry :( and yes I am! :) I have a few chapters already finished, I just need to rewrite something in chapter 8 that I've been too busy to work on. It should be up in about a week. Report Review
Just reread it. And bro, you need to post!Author's Response: I'm glad you like it that much :) haha! And I'm going to! I promise. I have a few chapters in the can, I just need to rewrite a scene in chapter 8 that I've been procrastinating on...I've been very focused on TDA. I'm going to try and get that going this weekend. Report Review
Love this story! are you going to make more chapters soon?Author's Response: glad you like it!(: and yes! I just need to re-write some things in chapter 8. I've been very busy but it should be in the queue at latest on sunday! Report Review
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your review request. I hope I helped with my two other reviews. This will be my final review. Thanks for requesting and feel free to request again in the future. Now, lets get on with reviewing!
I'm sorry I'm in love with cheesy pick-up lines so Tristan is my favorite character so far. I mean honestly, men and their train of thoughts.
You make a few basic mistakes concerning spelling like writing 'to' instead of 'too', a quick read through would do the trick to weed out those errors. Again you repeat yourself in a few portions throughout the story. However, I'm not sure if you do or do not have one but getting a beta might help. They really do work wonders and it's always better having a fresh pair of eyes read your work.
I really enjoyed this whole chapter, we got to see more of Rose and learn who she really is. Not that we haven't before but it was nice that the focus was on her and not other characters.
Her inner dialogue is amusing but sometimes a little excessive because she questions every little thing that is going on around her or what someone says. The kiss in my opinion was very life-like because it wasn't perfect at all (the first kiss led by Rose anyway).
Thanks for requesting!Author's Response: haha, first I adore you username(: and your other reviews have been helping! I'll work on the repeating and excessive inner dialogue. I just have so much to say about Rose that it's hard to limit myself sometimes!
thanks again so much! this was really helpful(: Report Review
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your review request. I hope I helped with my first review and I will be doing one more review after this. Now, lets get started!
It's interesting as I read the beginning paragraphs how you have her family reject her. Although it's not everyone I can't see that happening. Ron, Hermione, Harry and Ginny all know that Snape was a good Slytherin and Draco wasn't an entirely terrible one either, nor was Regulus towards the end of his life. Also I would think that the four of them would really go for House Unity especially because Harry didn't care if Albus got into Slytherin or not. Ron seems like the type to love his children no matter what and it's more of a joke that goes back to their rivalry why he wants Rose to beat Scorpius. So it's a little surprising to me that her family wouldn't be behind her. Then again I guess because of the age differences they are not all that mature to begin with.
I've noticed a pattern in your writing, you add unnecessary wording and tend to repeat yourself a bit. For example:
And then, after a while, I became just as bad as him. I didn't know the words to say. I was tongue-tied, at a loss for words. I didn't know how to express myself to him...pathetic, I know, considering that we were best friends.
It's not necessary to have the two sentences: I didn't know the words to say. I was tongue-tied, at a loss for words. I didn't know how to express myself...
You make it clear from the get go (the first sentence), she doesn't know how to express herself. You don't need to repeat it twice.
I'm not trying to be mean because I feel like that reads really mean...sorry! But I can say that I LOVE the conversations and the interactions between characters. It really shows the girls characteristics because it's one thing pointing them out but it's another being able to show them through conversation and their actions. I also adored James, he only played a small role in this chapter but it's refreshing to not see him as this over-protective and annoying git.
Now, on to chapter three!Author's Response: I totally understand what you mean. For me personally, I've been writing the darker responses of the previous generation as a way to subtly indicate that not even heroes are perfect all the time. however, this is something that her parents get used to and by the time we see them, they've accepted it.
and hahaha ohhh I've noticed that repeating thing. It bothers the hell out of me but for some reason I don't have the heart to change things. I'll try harder though!
and honestly, it's not mean at all!(: I love constructive criticism and I know my writing isn't anywhere near perfect. and don't be too certain about James yet(; he's may seem perfect at first, but he definitely isn't Report Review
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your review request. Sorry it has taken me a lifetime to get to you but real life has been quite stressful. I will review three chapters because all your chapters have a semi-high word count. Now, lets get started!
I normally start off doing a running review. So far I'm enjoying how you're writing Rose. She seems different compared to any Rose I have ever read. The inclusion of Murphy's Law is clever, I actually really like that line. I also love the descriptions/wording you use. For example you say she has been left 'naked and cold' and then those words compliment the next part where she's standing alone 'in the freezing chill' of mid-Autumn. I love when sentences compliment each other subtly, I normally wouldn't have noticed if I were just reading instead of writing a thoughtful review.
I'm enjoying the interaction between Rose, Scorpius and Albus on the train as first years by the way. Your writing is very clear and easy to read, the whole setting flows wonderfully.
I've never seen Rose sorted into Slytherin but I felt like she would be the way you have characterized her. That's not a bad thing because if she had been nicer on the train to Scorpius and not as dark and depressing in the beginning of the chapter I would have said it didn't work. I've seen Scorpius sorted into Gryffindor before and I figured that was going to happen but your characterization for him is also something I've never seen which makes your story truly unique.
The introduction really pulled me in and the sorting was believable. I will say that you have to be careful with the words you use because you are describing eleven year olds. Rose, Scorpius and Albus all sounded like they were much older.
A few things since you did mention grammar/spelling:
- whhom should be 'whom'
- as I had seen its legitimacy proven time and time
should be '...as I had seen it legitimately proven time and time again.'
- As stepped outside of the compartment
You're missing an 'I' so it should be: As I stepped outside of the compartment
- actihon should be 'action'
- The headmistresses slowly lowered the hat
'headmistresses' should be 'headmistress'
- For which house, I'd didn't know
Should be: For which house, I didn't know
- She smiled quietly as me
Should be: She smiled quietly at meAuthor's Response: hey there! I totally understand, life can be insane. thanks for the review by the way, and taking the time to actually put thought into it! that means a lot. and I make silly errors like that sometimes, even though I read over my chapters a thousand times, I always miss those. I'll make sure to edit that. thanks again!(: Report Review
I love it! Can't wait for the next chapter! :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! glad you're enjoying it! Report Review
Oh how I love the Rose/Scorpius hatred! I sometimes wish it would just stay like that, and never evolve into anything more than hatred. So much funnier when they dislike each other!^^
Well, I loved this chapter, and the other one before. Chapter five made me burst out laughing because I couldn't handle the awkwardness of it in any other way...
Which is a good thing. Kind of. Anyway, I loveloveLOVE Scorpius, James is an annoying brat, and Rose is just about as mature as I am. (Which isn't really a compliment, but hey, it makes people laugh! (though most often OF me rather than WITH me in my case. Nobody's perfect!)) So really, it was very good! My only CC would be to not add anymore characters who are children of Hogwarts Era people. There are a lot as is, and it's a little unrealistic, as I doubt they'd all suddenly have children convieniently at the same time. It's not overwhelming though, just don't add anymore!^^
Keep this up and UPDATE SOON! :P
PS: Absolutely loved that part about the birds in chapter... eh... not this one anyway! Oh and every single one of the Rose/Scorpius arguments! :PAuthor's Response: Haha I'm so glad you liked it(: and chapter 5 was kind of awkward, I meant it to be. give James a chance though, he's still pretty immature but he's not all bad. and I've already written the next 4 chapters and I don't think I write any more so yay! thanks again! Report Review
Hey! I've been kind of busy lately, so I hadn't read this until well, now, and seriously wow. Well done! I really, really loved it! I'd leave a longer review but... I want to read the next chapter! So, I'll just leave a really long one for chapter seven, where I'll talk about all chapters! :D
-LLAuthor's Response: Yay! I'm so glad you're enjoying it!!(: can't wait to hear your opinion! Report Review
I loved it!! i can't wait for the next chapter! (=Author's Response: aww thanks for the review!(: Report Review
I love the beginning to this chapter! It's sweet, Rose getting to experience Hogwarts with Albus like it's the first day of their first year all over again.
The part with Rose and Sir Cadogan was awesome! Really funny :) I was a little confused by the lunch thing, though... I thought Hogwarts students all ate meals at the same time? The idea of multiple lunch blocks reminds me more of the American public education way of doing things. Anyway, Rose's little bit of banter with Flitwick was hilarious, too.
The latter half of the chapter dragged a bit for me -- still a little too much snappiness between Rose and Scorpius for my liking. I felt that a lot of the conversation was filler and didn't hold too much meaning. However, I like the tone of humor much better than the drama from older chapters. I'm interested to see what will happen with Viv and Roxanne, and detention with Flitwick should certainly be quite an event! :)
AmandaAuthor's Response: hey amanda!(: thanks for the review! and oh SHOOT! I totally KNEW that some time or another some of my Americaness would find it's way into the story. I didn't even consider the double lunch thing. oh well(;
and yeah, this chapter as long. I was worried it was getting a bit boring! and I'll work on the banter(: glad you're enjoying it! thanks again! Report Review
I loved all the Rose/Scorpius fights, will we get more?
Please udate soon.Author's Response: Thank you so much! and yes, you will get more(: keep checking back! Report Review
Hey, this is SamMalfoy93 with the review you requested... In July? LOL.
I see there are more chapters since then and I've already favorited this. :)
I'm very intrigued. It's a great start and I'm already looking forward to clicking the next button and seeing what happens (yay for more chapters!).
Sam.Author's Response: Haha oh I forgot about this!(: Thanks for review! I can't wait for you to read more! Report Review
Poor Al - it wouldn't be any fun to referee between Scorpius and Rose all day. It is good to read Rose and Al as friends again in this story. Hopefully James will get his act together again soon. Poor Viv. Roxannes thing with the Profesor is uncomfortable. Rose's encounter with Sir Cadogan at the beginning of the chapter is hilarious. Thanks for the update!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I feel bad for poor Al too. To bad he doesn't exactly have the courage to do much about it! Update will come soon! Report Review
But I do disagree with the reactions bit.
From a long line of Slyrherin's and Gryfindors, they're was going to be issues.
So I think that it was totally appropiate.Author's Response: Thanks again(: haha Report Review
This story is fantastic.
Though, I do agree with the points you made.
I'm just not much of a reviewer.
MadisonAuthor's Response: Thank you!(: Report Review
Whoops, I think it's logged me out. Oh well, this is Beeezie! :)
- Idea: I'm not sure I've ever seen Rose sorted into Slytherin and Scorpius sorted into Gryffindor, and I've certainly never seen this sort of characterization accompany that. It's different, and looks like it's going to be a very interesting story.
- The sorting ceremony: You captured the tension these kids are feeling perfectly.
- Intro: The bit before the flashback is good. It pulled me in and made me want to read the rest of the chapter, without giving away too much.
- Narrative: This is written in first person, which constrains you a little more than third person would in terms of what you can and can't reasonably describe. However, you often include more than you really should. For example, when you're describing Rose just after she'd gotten on the train, you say "wild innocence gleamed in my eyes." Rose is describing herself. I don't think there are many people in the world who would describe themselves as having wild innocence gleaming in their eyes, and I'm almost certain that none of them are eleven. There are several instances of that, and while in some ways it's minor, it definitely jerked me out of the narrative.
- Overuse of adjectives: This is something I'm also actually frequently guilty of. Some of the adjectives just aren't necessary, or are actively confusing. Two examples are "freezing chill" and "disapproving glare." You don't need either adjective, and the story would be better off without it.
- Grammar: I'm not saying it's bad, because it's not, but it's not great either. There were places that the word "and" would have helped the flow ("He looked pained, regretful, almost as miserable as I felt"), and there were a fair number of misplaced commas ("I smiled, lying, "Yeah"").
- Reactions to the sorting: Some of the reactions to the sorting didn't ring true to me. Scorpius is the first Malfoy to step foot in Hogwarts in, what, twenty years? Kids are kids. I don't think enough of them would know enough about family drama or think of it in the moment for there to be a hush when Scorpius is sorted into Gryffindor. For Rose it makes a bit more sense, but the pity in the Head's eyes didn't.
Overall, I think that the story is strong. Your only real weakness is in the mechanics. I would recommend being extra careful with your punctuation and use of adjectives, and that would improve it immensely.
I did like the introduction of Alice, and I thought that your emotional descriptions were mostly fine (other than the issues I identified above).
I may post another review once I meet the O.C.D. Ravenclaw, but the biggest thing to keep in mind is that the character needs to be extremely inconvenienced by it. It can't just be good for a laugh occasionally--it has to really make the person's life exponentially harder. I would also keep in mind that it's not all about handwashing and germs, which is the only thing that's really portrayed in the media. It's about routine in general. You might have your character freak out because a lesson is canceled, or because they oversleep and can't bathe in the morning like they usually do or fix their hair. You could also have your character avoid certain things because they're triggering--like flying, for example. Does that make sense?
I hope this was helpful, and I really enjoyed your story. :)Author's Response: Ahh thank you so much! Your review was insanely helpful! Hahaha I've been writing a 3rd person story for over a year so I kind of made the mistake of Rose describing Rose!(: hahaha oops! And I'll work on all the grammar and overuse of adjectives. I know I have a problem! hahaha
And thanks for the tips for Roxanne! I'll definitely keep that all in mind(: for me, that's one of the hardest part so far.
Thanks for the review!! It was insanely helpful and very much appreciated! Report Review
I don't mean to bother you, an all, but when do you think you'll be posting again?Author's Response: Oh it's not a bother(: I put the next chapter in the queue yesterday! It should be up in about 2-3 days Report Review
Still love this! can't wait for the next and Scorpius! :)Author's Response: thank you(: next chapter will be up soon! Report Review
Lots of fighting in this one! But I'm glad to see her and Al on good terms again & I can't wait for some Scorpius interaction!Author's Response: I know! And you'll get it(: Thanks for the review! Report Review
ahh i love this! i love the way you portray rose, shes so unique! cant wait to read moreAuthor's Response: glad you like it! Thanks! Report Review
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