First of all, I adore the chapter image, it's absolutely stunning. Who is the model you use for Rose?
I'm blown away by this chapter and by the story in general. What draws me in completely is the language you use which is almost pretentious (especially during the beginning with Rose) but it fits the era and fits the story well. I love the old feeling of it and its smoothness. That's definitely something you should be proud of.
The description itself is incredible, especially in this chapter. I felt like my brain was being assaulted by it. There was just so many vividly painted scenes and moments that made this chapter seem real and close. I think my favourite scene with that would be the Romeo/Juliet-esque balcony scene with Rose's red hair blowing about. It seemed almost right out of a fairytale in that moment, almost whimsical. It did seem like a place outside of Hogwarts and I liked a lot was that you described the place and showed the readers this Hogwarts. I find that many forget that because there has been 7 books inside those halls and thousands of fanfictions that sometimes how the place looks, feels, sounds gets neglected.
Your characters are interesting too. I think they are mostly differently from the counterparts (Juliet or Romeo). Juliet seemed a bit of a 'i'm in love and that's all that matters - butterflies and sunshine' to me when i read the play. I like how Rose has this extra depth, this cleverness, this brain that needs to prove everyone wrong and needs to be the best at everything. There is something almost scary about that to me. I'm thinking this may come into play later on in the story. I do like though that, at this point, she is tied to Juliet because she is focussed on this love at the moment and seems to just be drinking it up. Whether this will stay is yet to be determined because you also have a lot of negative imagery here that seems to foreshadow something later in the plot. Scorpius is interesting too. He seems at the moment like he cannot distinguish where his infatuation (or truu luuve ;) ) end and his devious plan begins.
I'm just really jealous at the moment of how good this is. It absolutely stunning. You can wield the senses so well that make a person feel incredibyl captivated by a story. Really well done job and i like the stubtle hints of darkness and evil that is coming into the story. It gives this 'love' they have a dark feeling, something to be feared rather than basked in.
Really well done!Author's Response: You are the best Secret Santa ever! Thank you for all of these glorious reviews - I hardly know how I'm going to respond in the way that these reviews deserve. It means so much that you took the time to read and review all of these stories!
The girl in the chapter image is Ruth Wilson from her work in theatre - her character in "Luther" was one of the inspirations of Rose's portrayal in this story. :)
Haha, I'm glad that you said the language was pretentious - I wanted to exaggerate the romantic scenes to show just how ridiculous they could be, particularly in the context of a Romeo & Juliet type story. But one other thing I was trying to do throughout this story was make it seem theatrical, somewhat unreal, or even super-real. It's great to hear that the language and style suit the story well and that the descriptions were almost overpowering. Sometimes it's a bad habit of mine to go overboard with descriptions, but in this story, they are meant to almost overwhelm the characters and plot. Their lives and actions are small and petty compared with the world around them. That particular scene with Rose was too much fun to write because the Romanticized description contradicts her personality - the description is imposed upon her, but it doesn't quite fit - perhaps I meant it as a sort of irony that this cold, ambitious girl was still described using conventional romantic language.
I love being able to find new ways of visualizing Hogwarts. It's such a familiar "sight" to readers, and familiar things are the most exciting to re-invent in stories. It's not just a magic school or ancient castle - it has a complicated history that allows it to be many things at once.
I'm not going to give away anything else about Rose. :P The ending is too good for me to spoil. At least, I think it's a great ending - it's one of the few times I've been pleased with how I ended a story. Rose's character was a challenge to develop - in this and the first act, there are only hints of what she's capable of, the cleverness and the distance she maintains from others. How she develops from here depends on the kind of world she grows into. She loves the idea of being in love, but it doesn't necessarily mean that what she actually feels for Scorpius is love - it's something, but what that something is is never certain.
I'll stop now before I keep analyzing my characters. :P Thank you again for your fantastic review! It's wonderful to hear that you enjoyed this part of the story! ^_^ Report Review
I usually steer clear of ScoRose because they seem ridiculous to me and too many people like them. That turns me off and I usually don't give them much of a chance. However, the summary was intriguing and it made me curious to know how you were going to handle a re-telling of Romeo and Juliet (which is one of the Shakespeare play's i don't particularly like very much either). But the combination of them made me curious because if anyone can pull it off, i'm sure it's you.
I'm glad i clicked on because this was a really lovely way to start the story. All passion and fire, the dark vs. light. You set up typical plot lines here, the Slytherins vs the rest of the school each one wanting to prove itself greater. However you are able to pull it off so beautifully and make it so believable. I'm just incredibly envious of that skill to turn a cliche into something worth your time. Which just points to the fact that it's not the cliche that matters, it's how you write it. You clearly make something that some authors completely butcher and make it into something that is just good. (that's bad wording who uses the word good for something? i wish i could be more eloquent here but that's as good as i can come up with at the moment as it's late here and well past the time my brain turns to royal mush.)
I think the strongest part of this is your language. Your ability to make it sound sort of Shakespearean and told in that air. If that makes sense but it add so much to the story and captures a spirit of woe and foreboding. Which i love. I'm a huge fan of fluff but this makes me feel on edge because of the fate of the star crossed lovers in R&J.
There was some confusing parts however, not plot wise, but I think it sometimes happened in you descriptions where there were a few longer sentences piled together and a lot of characters around where things got a little convoluted. Like when you describing Hugo's hair? I initially thought it was James who had the red. That's an example anyway of some tiny distracting things throughout the story that brought me out of your tale. Also when Rose revives her queen, epic moment, but you say white queen... wasn't she playing black? Or did i miss something there?
Anyway, honestly, this is a lovely piece of work. I just finished reading and reviewing The Mark of Cain and then i came over to this and it's just remarkable how you can go from that style to this!!! I'm blown away because the tones are so different and you are able to write them both so well!
I think the ending was my favourite but too the scorpion imagery and the piercing of her heart which let in this poison. It's such strong imagery and it's incredibly haunting because it points to a sort of fear of what is to come for these two if love is likened to poison.
Another great job Violet! This is excellent work and I loved how Hogwartsy it seemed. With all the chess, gobstones, and homework. It actually felt like a school! I hope this review makes sense, as i said before, it's late and i feel my eyes getting cross-eyed and i fear it's gibberish. :D
-zayneAuthor's Response: Oh my gosh, Zayne! Two super long reviews in one night! I wish I had your reviewing abilities - this is brilliant! Thank you very much - as always, it's a great treat to hear back from you. ^_^
This story came out of my own dislike of Scorose - that ship might have been interesting once, but now it's just overdone and so laden with cliches. I've been writing it all the same, both to try it in new ways and to take out my negative feelings in a productive way. :P If you get to the end of this story, you'll see how that works, haha.
For some reason, I love working with cliches to try and recycle them - perhaps "restore" is a better term, like an antique that needs fixing up. There are many in here, but they needed to be told in different ways, often subtly, but in the case of Rose and Scorpius's characterizations, drastically. In this story, they're exaggerations of how they often appear (I seem to always do this to poor Scorpius, but he is a Malfoy, after all :P). I'm so glad to hear that the cliches are believable - that's exactly what I tried to do, and it's wonderful that it proved successful! *blushes* There are parts of this story that feel pretty butchered to me, but not in this first chapter. If I may say so myself, it turned out better than I expected - writing school scenes is always a challenge, but for some reason here, it just /worked/.
I've adjusted a few of the sentences to make it clearer who is speaking, and I corrected the colours of the chess pieces. It was primarily the length of the sentence that was confusing things, I think (I made the changes not long after you reviewed, so I can't remember exactly what it was). The old fashioned linguistic style I used in this story more often than not got in the way - I like it, but I kept losing control of it. XD Thankfully I've been able to fix it, though there are probably still places that need work. It became a more complicated story than I thought possible for something only meant to be three chapters long. ;)
Oh, your review makes perfect sense - and it's perfect too, with all the things I love to see, including some good old CC. :D Now I only hope that my response makes sense, as it's getting late on my end too. Thank you so very much for reading and reviewing this story - it means a lot that you've admired the imagery (particularly that one at the end - it's a favourite of mine). ^_^ Report Review
I don't even have words for this. Susan... You're incredible. This is honestly one of the best stories I've read on this site and I'm in awe at your talent with words. It's heart wrenching, and the way you spun Rose was just remarkable. I'm still struggling to articulate my feelings.
Beautiful, Susan. Absolutely beautiful.Author's Response: This review has left me breathless! It came at an opportune moment when I needed to hear such words, and I cannot thank you enough. Writing this story proved to be a far stranger experience than I expected, and by the end, I wasn't even sure whether it was any good. Hearing from you that the opposite is the case is just amazing.
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing this story! It means a lot to have heard from you. ^_^ Report Review
It's Rosie from the review tag! :)
Wow...this was an amazing start. The detail leaves me speechless. Of course, I've always known you're a great author, haha. ^^ The general idea of having it based off of Romeo and Juliet, as well as having elements from Wuthering Heights is so creative! I mean, they're both wonderful stories, and putting them together is sure to create something even more wonderful.
I loved how you made a simple game of chess so suspenseful. Rose definitely inherited her father's chess talent. The detail of lightning and rain made everything much more dramatic, and I really enjoyed it.
A wonderful first chapter, with such vivid imagery and an intriguing plot. Great job! :)
~RosieAuthor's Response: Hi Rosie! Thank you very much for the lovely review - I'm just sorry that it took me so long to respond to it. It's great to hear that you enjoyed the first chapter! :D
Strangely enough, I haven't seen many stories about Rose that have her inheriting that particular skill of her father's - she often turns out to be much more like her mother, so I wanted to add an extra twist to her characterization. And the atmosphere! I have way too much fun writing about storms and crazy weather, so I'm glad that you enjoyed it! Report Review
I love, love, love your writing style. It really captures me into the story.
I like the comparison between Rose and Montague, because they really do remind me of one another, both so calculating. I feel a little sorry for Scorpius, to be honest. I have decided I like your characterization of Rose - of the two of them, she's really probably the "villain" in a sense, and that's not the way it is normally portrayed. At the same time, it doesn't seem that many in the story see her thorns for what they are. Scorpius does, but he's still captivated, and the hatred the Slytherins have is because she's a Weasley.
I'm really anxious about pushing that "next" button.Author's Response: Yay! Thank you! It's always wonderful to hear that my writing is captivating. I wondered whether the style for this story was too heavy-handed and elaborate, so it's great to hear that it was instead quite effective. :D
It was interesting to come across that realization while writing - I hadn't planned for Rose and Montague to be similar, but it emerged strangely, entrapping Scorpius between them. He's so connected to them both that, no matter how much he may be repelled by their cruelty, he is still attracted to the strength and power they wield. They're both extraordinary people, and Scorpius, while not ordinary, lacks that spark, be it passion or ambition.
I agree with you that Rose is the "villain" of the story, or at least as close to that role as one could get. Montague is more of a red herring - though he does, at times, take on that role too. To be honest, it's really very complicated, and I'll leave it at that. :P
Thank you very much for all of your reviews! It's fantastic to hear that you've enjoyed the story thus far, and I hope that you like the ending as well. ^_^ Report Review
I'm trying to decide how I feel about your characterization of Rose. It seems like she's somewhere between captivating and conniving - perhaps exactly as she should be, given her name.
Scorpius is also interesting - at least, I like his reaction to the Slytherin taunts, rising above them rather than letting them get to him. He seems a bit above his father in that regard, but at the same time has a hint of foolishness, which is probably appropriate in this particular story.Author's Response: You've described Rose right there - she's a cross between the two, a highly ambivalent character with no clear loyalties, no clear ties except for that she shares with Hugo. She's difficult to pin down, which is why Scorpius finds her so interesting - she repels him as much as she draws him in, and so he wants to learn more. She captures his curiosity, and that leads to far more.
Scorpius is a bit of a noble figure here, taking family pride to heart in a different way from his father. Instead of gloating about it, he simply lives it - he can rise above the taunts because he's very self-confident and assured of his place in the world. It does lead him to over-confidence in many ways, which, like you said, suits the story - he suits the role of Romeo, the true reckless, feckless Romeo of the play, quite well.
Thank you again for reading and reviewing this story! :D Report Review
So, I got on HPFF for the first time in ages and went to your page, saw this, and thought it was exactly what I was in the mood to read.
I wasn't disappointed. I'm not a Rose/Scorpius fan, but I love the concept of a twist on Romeo & Juliet. I love how your entire style/descriptions this chapter was such that one could almost literally feel the tension going on.
I also like that you introduced Montague first of the Slytherins. I've thought for a long time that someone should tie the Pureblood last name to the play while avoiding a cliche, and that did it for me.Author's Response: I remember you! It's great to see you around again, and a wonderful compliment that you checked up on my stories. :D
I'm not a Scorose fan either, but I'm so curious as to why others like it so much that I keep writing it (usually with the result of sinking it completely). Often Scorose is equated with Romeo and Juliet, which gave me even more fodder to work with - this story didn't turn out quite the way that I envisioned, but I'm very pleased to hear that you've enjoyed this first chapter - it's style and its content alike. It was really interesting to write, with a lot of intricate parts (such as the chess game - I don't write those things usually for a reason! They require a lot of research) and many OCs. Haha, it was perfect to come across a Potterverse Montague! I couldn't resist giving him a significant role here.
Thank you for reading and reviewing this story! ^_^ Report Review
This is definately, by far one of the best romances I've read. I'm not a big Scrose shipper, but this one appealed to me, and I love the darkness to the story combined with it's passion. It has a different feel to it, and I admire how you incorporated "Romeo and Juliet" to it as well. I haven't studied "Wuthering Heights", but I'm pretty sure you nailed it.
I must say, I love how you retold "Romeo and Juliet" in this format; everything just seems to fit so perfectly, with the whole family royalty issue and the tragedy. What I love about your Rose is her undying loyalty to her brother and her being compared to the likes of a queen, her inferiorities being just mere pawns. It brings out a lot about her character.
But it isn't just Rose you developed well, you made all your characters realistic. Your way with descriptions and dialogue breathed life into them, making them real to us readers. (Something I wish I could do in my stories.)
From the beginning, you made me sense that the bond between Hugo and Rose was strong and indestructable, something that no force can break.
Anywho, this was a lovely story and I congratulate you for winning "Best Short Story" at the Golden Snitch Awards, even though that was last year (Pardon me for being a tid-bit late). You very well deserve it, and I hope you know, your work is admired by many!
10/10!Author's Response: *jaw drops* This is incredible! I really don't know how I'm going to coherently respond to such a review as this, but I'll try my best. I can't thank you enough for your compliments - it means a lot to hear them, especially for a story that I worried over for months, uncertain whether I could finish it, and later whether I had done so as well as I ought. So thank you for boosting my confidence! ^_^
Rose's loyalty for Hugo was something I wasn't sure about because it seemed to go against everything else in her character, but maybe that adds some realism to her too - a natural contradiction. I'm very glad that you loved that aspect of her character. It changed the focus of this story from a tragic romance to a family tragedy, and now that I think about it, Rose's loyalty to Hugo makes her a true Weasley - she still has a grain of that deep-rooted family connection, even if she only feels it for her brother.
I wish I knew how my characters end up like this! Then I'd happily share it with everyone. Most of what I do is just let them grow on their own with little pre-planning - let them develop as the plot develops. How much do they control their world, and how much does that world control them? In this story, it's like they're all stuck on this track to inevitable doom, but that's the Shakespearean influence coming through. It's wonderful that you like how all of the characters turned out in this story! :D
Thank you again for this day (year?) making review! I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to respond to, but it doesn't mean that I haven't appreciated it or the time that you've taken to read and review this story. ^_^ Report Review
It's interesting that you compared Montague's mask-like face to Tom Riddle. This chapter then made everything come to full circle after the revelation that this is a war. This is much bigger than Scorpius and Rose now, a lot of lives are at stake. It's the ultimate game of strategy - a real life chessboard, and we are all pawns.
The end was inevitable. They both knew it was too dangerous for Hugo to go with them, but she still insisted. I knew that if there was one person she would love more than him, it would be her brother.
Like you rightly said, it wasn't love. I believe that Scorpius loved enough for both of them. If she believed in him then surely his life would've been spared, as well as her brother's. It's sort of a vengeful end, you've turned the ScoRose fandom on its head with this one, I think.
Part of me doesn't think the last line - the quotation - is necessary. Certainly I understood why you put it there, but to me it sounds better without it. It breaks the flow even if this is the end of the story.
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this story! Taking points from the play, you created your own tragedy, one that I never saw coming actually.
LiaAuthor's Response: If I remember correctly, I wanted Montague to be a shadow of Tom Riddle - in possession of a Riddle-esque yearning for power without that next step into madness (the desire to live forever). Montague just wants to rule and take back the world for purebloods. (This is why I could have done a novel - it's too easy to write about him.)
The story broadened out more than I'd originally planned, taking in this whole complicated Cold War of sorts, leaving the romance in the shadows. What it does, however, is show how immature especially Scorpius is because he holds onto this adolescent love even while the world is falling apart around him. He doesn't care about the war, only about love - I ended up making him as stupid as I've always regarded Romeo. Well, maybe stupid is too harsh - naive and idealistic might be more appropriate. By this part of the story, he's almost entirely lost his reason in the face of his passion - as the chapter goes on, he loses even more.
Oh my gosh, you've said the most amazingly perfect thing that I hoped someone would say because it was what I was trying to do all along. *gasps for air* I wanted to turn the ship on its head. I wanted to write a Scorose that totally destroyed the ideals of that ship, showing how absolutely wrong that relationship could go.
I'll take a look at that quotation. I was probably stretching too much there. Endings are the hardest thing for me to write because I'd love to end with something incredibly profound, but never can think of the right words when I get there. *sigh* Thanks for pointing that out!
And thank you for these reviews! It's been a pleasure to follow along as you read through this story, and I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed it! :D Report Review
Hey again! I'm reviewing this as I go along, so please bear with me :)
The introduction of Act Three Scene One makes me think that you had something else in store for these characters. All based on that semi-ominous line in chapter 1, and Montague and Malfoy's plan.
You're always hinting at a darkness surrounding Rose. As I read her conversation with Scorpius, I keep hearing the words 'every Rose has its thorns' in my head. They are polar opposites here. One wouldn't expect Scorpius to be so cautious, but here he is. Rose is definitely the dangerous one, and you don't even have to "tell" us. Every word use to describe her, all the things she says, proves that she'll hurt you one way or the other. I thought those were good contrasts to show as well. Scorpius obviously wants a simple life, out of harm's way despite his talents and usefulness. Rose always seems to place a barrier between them. He may have her, but it doesn't seem like she's truly his. Like her ivory tower is a pedestal, and she's just out of reach.
The most telling part of this chapter was the scene with Scorpius and Montague. The latter is shown in a much different light than before. Like the danger alluded to earlier in the chapter, it has now manifested into the words and actions of one Dorian Montague. It's much more frightening that he doesn't kill his cousin right then and there; obviously he has much bigger plans.
I like the allusion of Scorpius being the white knight - the saviour, one that was always pure (like his Nan's family motto suggested). He brought them glory, but now he wants none of it. I never understood the significance of that from the first chapter, until you brought it back now. From the perspective of the Slytherins', he's the black sheep.
LiaAuthor's Response: Now I'm trying to remember how much planning I actually did put into this story. XD I honestly can't remember whether, in chapter one, I was already thinking about chapter three. I might have let it build naturally in some ways too, particularly with Montague, who is a strong personality and thus it makes sense that he would do something radical like try to take over Wizarding Britain. >< It's less certain, though, why Scorpius lets himself get involved - he's a strange character, very slippery because he's incredibly smart, quietly waiting for his opportunity, yet also naive, believing in something (Rose's love) that doesn't actually exist. I still can't really make sense of him.
Oh yay, it's fabulous to hear that Rose's personality came through without me having to explicitly say that there's something just plain /wrong/ about her. She certainly is dangerous, an example of genius that has gone too far, overwhelming sympathy and feeling, and it makes her impossible to possess. She is perhaps as close to a sociopath as I could write. Scorpius is fascinated by her because of this - his cautiousness finds its equal in her recklessness. He wants to own her, whether as a curiosity or because she fulfils his lack, I'm not quite sure.
The scenes between Scorpius and Montague actually ended up being my favourite to write. It was a surprise, as I rarely write Slytherins in starring roles, but this group ended up being so interesting, very complicated and confused in their motives, constantly and obsessively planning the impossible. I could have written a whole novel about Montague's coup.
Thank you again for reading and reviewing each chapter of this story! As I told you before, I never expected so much, and I really appreciate it. ^_^ Report Review
The unfortunate thing about me reviewing this is that I never read Romeo and Juliet before tonight - well, a brief wikipedia synopsis. And honestly, you've meshed things together so well! I find it can be very difficult to convert these plays or novels to fit the fandom, but really I am impressed (not that I expected anything less from you anyway). I'd love to see the notes you had when preparing this.
This chapter perfectly introduces the balcony scene, which I thought you pulled off quite well. Even if you are emulating Juliet through Rose, and Romeo through Scorpius, they are still their own people (relatively speaking). It actually does sound like it belongs to that era! The way the characters speak to each other, and how you've written the tone of this story.
The flow of this story was good too. Quite a number of things happen, and you haven't drawn it out to add more to the story, and nothing is squished together so that you can get to the important parts quickly.
If I hadn't read the synopsis, I would've thought that Scorpius and Montague were up to something sinister. One of the last lines of chapter one played on my mind as I read the end of this one too - 'the idol with a heart of black', in reference to Rose? Could this possibly be foreshadowing?
LiaAuthor's Response: Just having a general idea of Romeo & Juliet is all that's needed - I only chose it because often Scorpius and Rose are portrayed along the same lines, and I always have fun exploring and pushing the boundaries of cliches. It's been a while since I've read R&J too, but I'm glad that this story follows it so well! I seem to be doing a lot of classic literature conversions lately, but it's hard not to be inspired by those books (especially since I pretty much read them for a living) and want to adapt them in new ways.
To be honest, this story never had notes. Some of my others do, but with this one, it was all kept in my head, and even then, I only had a strong impression of the very end of the story - everything in between was done on the spot to get me where I wanted to go. Notes are something I know I ought to do, but often I just keep a very loose notion of the story in my head.
I'm very glad to hear that, even with the influence of Shakespeare's play, Rose and Scorpius do sound like independent characters. I had to do some revisions on this chapter in that regard, so it's wonderful news that those revisions paid off. :D But I also wanted to keep a certain formality? in their speech and in the narration. I don't know how better to explain it. In some ways, I found it added to the atmosphere, as though they're on stage rather than actually existing in real life.
They /are/ up to something sinister. :P They just don't take Rose into consideration as much as they should - she's way smarter than all of the combined and has some tricks of her own up her sleeve. There's definitely foreshadowing in that last line, but what it foreshadows? I'm not telling. ;)
Thank you again for the fantastic review! I'm enjoying following along with your journey through this crazy story. :D Report Review
Your description is something that always draws me to your stories. It's simple, and in that way, it makes the scene more vivid. Most authors tend to overdo it - in my opinion anyway. You took the audience from the castle grounds, and sort of panned in to the goings on in the Great Hall - like something I'd see in a movie. I thought that was a nice touch. At the same time, you've set up something with the environment, it makes it seem like if this change in weather was beyond nature's control of it. Maybe I'm reading too much into that.
I love that you used the 'old guard' of Slytherin house instead of creating completely new characters. It reminded me of the earlier books where the parents of these boys were on the Quidditch team, carrying out the same types of strategies, and probably making the same kind of deals. I thought picking Scorpius mirrored when his own father was picked for the Slytherin team, and this information was revealed to the others.
I must admit, I got a bit confused as to who was talking at some points - namely after Montague's reaction to Rose's selection. Whether it be Albus or James. I dunno if I read it wrong, but I figured I should point it out anyway.
Again, you mirrored similar scenes that the characters' parents would've been in when they were at Hogwarts. Draco's shrewdness, and Ron's eye for chess. At first one might have thought it was over for our Rose, but the chapter wasn't quite finished yet. It always seems like if the entire world is against Slytherin House - maybe I'm biased.
What I found most interesting was the interaction between Rose and Scorpius after everyone else left. It was one of those moments when you can quite honestly say "but there was something about her/him", and it would be true. They're not sure how they are drawn to one another, but there it is.
LiaAuthor's Response: These reviews! I'm sorry to have left them for so long - they're amazing and detailed and everything I ever could have wanted. However, that makes it ten times as hard to respond to them. :P
It's fantastic that you like the description in this story, particularly in this first chapter. I wanted to set the tone of the story relatively quick, and although I have a tendency to overuse pathetic fallacy, it suits this introduction incredibly well, and the entire plot falls into place around this one moment - a game of chess. It's not only a game between Rose and Scorpius, but also between two sides of what would become a war, all starting with a stormy afternoon.
You know, I never thought of the Slytherins as mirrors for their parents. I developed Rose around her mother's logic and father's talents with chess, but I never even thought of Scorpius reenacting what happened to his father. It's so cool, though, because it fits - all that's different with Scorpius is his personality, but he's still the privileged Slytherin pureblood, treated well by his fellows because of his name. I do talk about history repeating itself in the final chapter, but it's interesting how that was already appearing here at the beginning.
I'll take a look at the dialogue for Albus and James. I think I was trying to hard to maintain a formal syntax and when it came to having two Potters, it just fell apart. Thanks for pointing that out!
That's just it about Scorpius and Rose. It's somewhat cliched, but in this story, it works because it was the same for Romeo and Juliet. It's not necessarily love, just this strange attraction, like something forcing them together against their wills. It was an interesting aspect of this story, writing that kind of moment.
Thank you again for reading and reviewing this story! It means so much to hear from you! ^_^ Report Review
So remember that time when you won a challenge and I promised you five reviews? Well, I never forgot about it, honestly. I just had to get through exams and whatnot. Now I'm here. :)
What jumped out at me here was how you described falling in love at the end-- It really sounded like something sinister, or dangerous. I can see how one might think that, but it's rare to see it down on paper, so blunt, and without any mention of the better parts. Which I guess goes along with what you warned in your summary to be a pretty dark story.
You did a really nice job with the characters in this as well (not much of a surprise). Rose in particular stood out in about five seconds as a strong girl, not to be ignored or crossed. She oozed a sort of energy, too. She was extremely likable.
Speaking of likable, that adjective can pretty much describe the rest of the chapter as well. I'm not the biggest fan of the whole head-over-heels in love at first sight, but tied into your Romeo and Juliet theme (and helped by a hearty dose of good writing), I'm happy to go along with it here and see where it takes me. Nice job.
Four more reviews to come (hopefully) in all due speed.Author's Response: Haha, I think the one who forgot about it was me. I was surprised to see a new review for this story (it's been so long!), so thank you for being able to leave feedback. It's a story that I really have to finish this year, but it's been hard, not only because it's a Scorose, but also because I'm not getting enough feedback to feel confident about it.
Anyway, I am planning on changing that falling in love scene at the end to make it less drastic, instead showing Scorpius to have an unhealthy obsession for Rose. She's a strange character - and I'm glad to hear that you like her - and I'd like to emphasize that Scorpius is drawn to her. He can't help it, but something about her personality is just magnetic - dangerous, overwhelming, but magnetic. That's why there's that ominous note to the falling in love - for Romeo and Juliet, it's the moment that seals their fates and instigates the tragedy, and it's much the same for Cathy and Heathcliff. There's going to be very little happiness and fluff here. :P
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing this story! I'm going to be editing it soon, and hopefully I can get that done before you read the rest. ^_^ Report Review
“I wouldn’t cross Rose Weasley, not if I were you or anybody else.” After a pause, watching Montague closely, he added in a lower tone, “You know what they say: every rose’s got its thorns.”
when I read this. It made me smile. I always love reading Romero/Juliet Harry Potter style stories. And yours is superb! The detail in the writing, makes me feel like I'm there! I can't wait to read the rest. and more of your stories!Author's Response: Thank you very much! It's good to hear that you enjoyed it! :) Report Review
Hey, this apocalypse back with your review! =)
I went into more detail for this chapter as you had mentioned it in your areas of concern. So, let's start off with the areas of concern, shall we?
Characterization: A very interesting interpretation of both Rose and Malfoy's characters with the Romeo/Juliet perception. I liked how you portrayed them with such intensity; you gave a very detailed description on their characterization. However somewhere in between, I felt that, you lost the real Malfoy/Rose. You should have mixed Romeo's character with Malfoy's instead of CONVERTING him into one. Your POV is not wrong, just that you seem to give more weightage to both Romeo/Juliet part rather than to Rose/Malfoy. The dialogues: they seemed to be lacking the Weasley/Malfoy touch; however, I was glad to see that you put their dialogues in a way that made YOUR idea and perception of them very clear. So good job with that =) Both their characterization seemed a bit off track which disturbs the picture; I hope I'm making my point clear. I really want you to achieve just the right balance while characterization; it sure will add more fun while reading your story. =)
Montague: A very impressive character. I like the dominating quality of his personality; it complements your scenario. Using the big 'Tom Riddle' name to reflect him? Worked well for the story; smart move. =).You were successful in portraying him as the ultimate Slytherin =P
Plot development: You were, to some extent, successful in further developing your plot. But the thing that shadowed your progression was Rose/Malfoy scenario. You dragged it a bit or maybe it seemed so due to the details you wrote regarding the weather. The atmosphere is already set; you don't always have to give in SO much detail. You wrote paragraphs of description which could have been summarized into one or two; you could have focused more on the dialogues and their actual feelings. However, the second scenario seemed to be more appropriate in contributing more towards the progression than the first one. You have the potential in you, work on these minor things and your story will rock it. =)
Style: The style you've adopted is very rare these days; it has almost all the characteristics of an old novel writing style. You've got a very strong weapon on your side: description. LOVE it! Seriously, there are some places where I actually feel as if I am reading an actual classic. As I mentioned earlier it's very hard to replicate classical novels but your writing, in terms of style, seemed flawless. Well done! =)
Thankyou so much for requesting! And I just read your post! I'm SO happy that you liked my reviews. Hope you like this one too and it helps you just as much =) Goodluck! And Happy Writing!! =DAuthor's Response: Thank you for returning to review the third chapter! I really appreciate your opinions and critique - it's going a long way to renewing my interest in this story, which is something I definitely needed.
I understand what you're saying about the characterizations, and this chapter actually went worse than the last in that regard, especially with Scorpius. He's a very difficult character to capture correctly for me, and my struggle with both him and Rose is one reason I started writing this story in the first place, but my weakness is showing through way too much.
Montague, on the other hand, I'm almost surprised at because I also wasn't sure about him, especially whether or not I was overdoing his characterization - whether he was too evil, in other words. He's a ghastly sort of person and terrified me while writing him - Scorpius comes through best in the scenes with him, I think, when one can see the similarities and differences between the two cousins. I'm pleased that Montague worked out so well, though! ^_^
I'll work on the plot and characterization for Scorpius and Rose, hopefully fixing the latter will, as you said, make the former flow much more smoothly. I see what you mean - that section was one I added because I worried that the romantic bits were... absent, but I'll edit it out again. :)
It is a very old style - I made the mistake of reading Wuthering Heights while planning and starting this story, so the Bronte influence is definitely heavy. Whatever I'm reading really affects what I'm writing, so all of that Victorian stuff I read in the summer is squished into this story. XD It's good to hear that it's not taking away from the story in any way because it's something I had fun adding to this story. :D
This review did help a lot, too! Really, you're an amazing reviewer and if I need help with this or another story, I'll definitely ask you. ^_^ Report Review
And I'm back for round 2!
Woah, I never imagined Hogwarts in the way you described it; it's like an entire different place. Who knew description could change the entire perception? Makes your story different or should I say makes your Hogwarts seem different? Haha. It's a good change =) Well most of the stories I read had this same old description of Hogwarts and now you're actually the first one I know who has actually created a Hogwarts that can be known as the next generations' Hogwarts. Well done! =)
I would like to mention some things that call for some attention. I like how you reflect your characters' feelings through weather but in order to maintain some realism in your story try describing their feelings directly instead of taking a longer route; instead of depending on the weather you really should focus on what they're actually feeling. I hope I'm making my point clear. I mean even though it's inspired by classical novels, mix it up with the modern literature; actual Hogwarts scenario and give it your own touch. I hope you give it a thought and work on it. =)
I loved the replication of Shakespeare's Balcony scene. The transition was simply amazing and the best part? It actually seemed appropriate in a Hogwarts setting. Good job! Though, I felt that you got carried away. Well actually? I won't blame you. The scene got me absorbed in it as well. I mean while reading it I almost forgot that it's Rose/Malfoy and NOT Romeo and Juliet. Just make sure you don't lose yourself to the extent that you forget who your actual main characters are. Though, you sure seemed to be realizing it in the upcoming scenes and fixed it to some extent =).
I am glad you didn't drag the whole Malfoy/Rose relationship by keeping it a secret; I actually enjoy seeing both of them being so open about it. Especially Malfoy, his answers were very entertaining. =). Also, Rose for having the guts to tell James, now that's her; bold and confident.
Really well done up till now! I hope my review helped you! =)Author's Response: I'm very sorry for not getting back to you sooner with these responses - these are the best critical reviews I've gotten in the long time, if not ever, and I wanted to give them the time and effort they deserved... but then I forgot to come back to this story and edit it as you suggested. I'll still have to do that before I write the last chapter, just so that everything ends consistently. That won't be as soon as I planned, but I should respond to your reviews before they sit for another ungracious month.
Your points on overdoing the Romeo & Juliet theme (or foundation) are excellent, and I'm very glad that you mentioned them, as well as explaining exactly where they occur. Even without looking back into the chapter, I know what parts you're referring to - they're ones that I got carried away with while writing, a kind of automatic writing, I suppose, and it both jars the flow of the action and immerses the story in too much Shakespeare, making it less... mine. It's one thing to recreate the balcony scene in a new way, but quite another to force the characters into roles that don't exactly suit them. It isn't doing them justice, and perhaps that's why I've been struggling to finish this story off. I wanted Rose to be a dark, selfish character, but if she's too busy being "Juliet-esque", there is going to be a clash resulting in too many inconsistencies. That will be the hardest edit, but one that will make the story much better and easier to make sense of in my head while thinking about this story. You lighted on the one thing I think that I needed to feel more positive about this story again. :D
Thank you very much for your compliments as well! I'm really glad to hear that you liked the descriptions of Hogwarts - more like gratified actually because I so rarely write stories taking place there. That's probably why it seems like a different place because I'm not used to writing about it, nor am I used to placing so much emphasis on its description. In this story, though, the castle is almost a character, a living entity that works to help Rose and Scorpius foster their romance. I would have loved to have made this chapter into something longer, if I had the time, further developing the romance and the atmosphere. However, it could have become more cliched that way, too.
Anyway, thank you again for your wonderful help! When I finish the ending, you're definitely going to get credit! :D Report Review
Hey, this is apocalypse, here with you review!
Let's start off with some appreciation.
The beginning was a very visual introduction to a chapter; the start was described in a classic manner that grabbed my attention immediately! It's hard to replicate stories like Wuthering Heights and Romeo and Juliet but you were pretty successful at it. Well done! =). I like the idea of chess at Hogwarts; you choose a really suitable substitute for Quidditch. Irrespective of the change in the competition, the rivalry between the two houses was maintained pretty well. Good job.
Description: An amazing description! It's bees SO long since I saw so much description and do not have to advise you to add more! I feel really good about it. I look for description a lot and I have to say that so far your description level was really good. The description of the chess game got me absorbed in the scene to the extent that even I could feel the tension. Making your readers feel the way your characters feel? It's a huge achievement! Excellent job! = ). The details regarding the weather added to the intensity of the scenario. Keep it up! However, I'm afraid that I have to say that it went slightly overboard. It wasn't wrong but it would've been a teeny bit different and better if you would have cut down on it only a teensy bit. But that's just my opinion; you can ignore it if you want because despite the suggestion, I still think that your description was amazing =)
Rose: A very impressive entrance; made me like her character that very second. Though, I'm afraid I have some issues with Malfoy's character. I mean he being a Malfoy, I would expect him to complete disregard a Weasley's appearance and not notice it in as much detail as he did; not yet anyway. It just sounded abrupt.
Also in reference to Rose you wrote, 'who now loved her' it was a big jump to the conclusion, don't you think? It's been years and a chess game made Malfoy notice and fall in love with her at the same time? The flow doesn't seem to have established. Maybe if you explained how it's been a while since he started noticing her, in the past few years; summarizing it would have made it sound more appropriate. The part where Malfoy's blushing, hiding and admiring Rose, do you think that's what a Malfoy would do? Sure, a Romeo would. =). Not that your new perception of his character is wrong, you just need to work on the transition of Romeo being a Malfoy. These are merely suggestions and I don't intend to offend your anything =) Just saying what I think. Of course, your idea of Romeo being Malfoy would have a special meaning to you =)
Towards the end. The ending paragraph was the highlight of the chapter for me! =DD That is what a Malfoy-ish description should be like. I was very glad to read it =)
I hope my review helps you! Again, no offence intended =)Author's Response: Your reviews are extremely helpful! It's wonderful that you took the time to read the chapters so carefully and make such detailed recommendations for improving them. This story is a troubling one for me because it's one that I challenged myself to write - mostly in terms of being Scorose and focused more on the Slytherins - but written in a style that I'm very familiar with, a style that's not really used for Next-Gen stories. It's meant a strange confusion of things, though. XD
I really like your point about Scorpius falling for her that quickly. It can happen, but it's not so much "love" as "attraction" or, as in his case, an infatuation. He never really loves her, but rather finds himself fascinated by her vitality, however much he is repelled by her innate cruelty and emotional distance. I think that by saying "love", I was half-making fun of typical romance stories, particularly those in the Romeo & Juliet line. Instead, I'll change it to infatuation, and hopefully that works as something more realistic.
Your point about confusing the Shakespeare characters with Rose and Scorpius is true, and I really have to watch for that - it's something that I'll be editing over the holidays before finishing off the story. I'm really glad that you mentioned it because those parts of the story were the ones I was having most trouble with. Scorpius and Rose on their own, separated from one another, are easy to write, but when I put them together in this story, they melt into their R&J roles and lose their individuality - it's definitely a weakness of the story.
On the other hand, I'm extremely glad that the descriptions (of other things) turned out so well! I let myself go wild with descriptions in this story, and it's so much fun to go into that much detail to evoke atmosphere. I was reading Wuthering Heights while writing this chapter, and the Bronte style is really laid on heavy. It was very interesting to write a chess game like this, but wizard's chess is intense, and thus it required a very tense atmosphere. :D
Thank you again for the wonderful reviews! I've found your suggestions very helpful and not at all offensive - it's great to get a strong critique, as there's always room for improvement and a second or third or forth opinion is very helpful to have. ^_^ I'll respond to the other two reviews soon! Report Review
I read the abridged version of Shakespeare in 5th grade or something. I forgot most of it. The balcony scene was beautiful. I almost forgot that this story will have a tragic ending until I read the conversation between Montague and Scorpius. The story is amazing and i wish it didn't have to sad ending. But i know it will be great. so it will be so worth reading it. I am huge fan of both your writing and graphics designing. You're too awesome. :DAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm glad that the balcony scene worked out - it's so famous in the original play, and yet making it work in the Potterverse was an odd challenge. At least I got to include Quidditch somehow. ;)
I have to sadly admit that it will have a tragic ending - not sad, though, more just violent. I have some editing to do before writing it of what's already posted, but it'll be soon. Thank you very much for reading and reviewing, and for the lovely compliments! ^_^ Report Review
love it! please update soon!Author's Response: Thank you very much! ^_^ Report Review
Ah! I love this! Is dark and mysterious and I get chills reading this. The good kind. This is amazing. Something I've never read before. I can't wait for the next chapter!
Slytherin Review Brew.
(I wish I cold give a longer review but it's 1am and I'm falling asleep. :()Author's Response: Aww, thanks for staying up so late to read this chapter, Sam! I'm very glad that you enjoyed it and that it was chilling - just the kind of reaction I was hoping for. It's been interesting to write a dystopia like this, more like writing science fiction than I've done in a very long time.
It means a lot that you're looking forward to the next chapter. Hopefully I'll be able to get that done soon! ^_^ Report Review
You know? Your stories are perfect to be read out loud. I have this tendency to read books out loud, because it's a totally different experience than to read them to myself. That's why I sometimes read really slow =P
Your writing flows so well, that is impossible to read it other than out loud and with the appropriate enphasis - or the enphasis that I think you meant to give it. I'm impressed you don't have anything on HPPC yet.
Anyway, I never thought that reading about a game of chess would be so exciting, or that someone could write an entire chapter on it, so I commend you. =D I really enjoyed reading this.
Next chapter...Author's Response: Becca! *jaw drops* How do I respond to this? There's going to be a lot of gushing here, so brace yourself. Seeing you reviewing my stories is amazing and it means a lot that you've done so - that they're such positive reviews only pushes me over the edge into extreme happiness. ^_^
So they read aloud well? That's interesting. The one story of mine that was done for HPPC was an old thing, and my wordiness back then was making poor Alex gasp for air. Getting the right rhythm is something I've been working on for my more dramatic stories - this, "Out of Time", and the last few Lily one-shots - using a poetic structure (very much like Dr. Seuss's, actually), which has really affected my word choice and syntax, seemingly in a very good way. :D It's fantastic to hear that this style is working out!
Haha, it's wizard chess that makes this more exciting - it's a far more brutal game, like a real battle rather than the slow, very deliberate games that Muggles play. It's more fun to write than I expected, and I'm glad that you liked it too!
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this story! I hope that you enjoy the rest! ^_^ Report Review
Ah! I can't believe I forgot about this! I feel the need to apologize! Sorry!
Anyway, I'm so excited with this story. I don't read many ScoRose's, so this is my favorite. :D
I got goosebumps reading the interaction between Malfoy and Montague; won't fail what? I'm so excited!
Slytherin Review Brew.Author's Response: Why should you apologize? You've got a huge reading list - even longer than mine (which, to me, is saying something - I can never keep up!), and I really appreciate that you're able to read so much. That you can include mine on that list is a wonderful treat. ^_^
It's great to hear that you liked this chapter and found it exciting - it felt to me like one of those annoying transition chapters were there's build-up to the ending and not much else. XD I hate writing the middle chapters, I think, almost more than writing the end. Montague has become one of my favourite characters to write, though - he's so devious and wonderfully enigmatic. It's a big difference from writing my normally good characters. :D
Anyway, thanks again! Hope you enjoy the rest of this story as well! It means a lot to hear from you. ^_^ Report Review
First of all I love the balcony or should I say tower scene. AIt was written really well, whilst both relating to the book but with also your own twist to it.
I also like the idea of it beig a forbidden relationship because it gives it more action and especiaally with the mention of Hugo guarding the door, it gives more eerieness.
The idea that Montague is somehow restarting the death eaters or people like the death eaters is interesting as it gives the reader a need to read on to see how the plot ends up as well as if Rose and Scorpius end up together
GinevraMollyPotterAuthor's Response: Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! It's wonderful to hear about the things you liked - some of them, like the tower scene, I wasn't at all sure whether it was suitable, or whether it was forcing the whole "Romeo and Juliet" similarities too much. I liked the image of it in my head, but often putting those images to words can backfire. Thanks again! ^_^ Report Review
Wow, this is rare xD Never thought i'd see the day when you'd be asking for reviews. But I'm always happy to read one of your stories!
I have to admit that I was a little skeptical when I saw that this was a retelling of Romeo and Julliet. It seems like half the ScoRoses out there are trying to mirror it. But the way you wrote the first chapter of this made me forget all of that. It was genius. All the metaphors you sprinkled throughout this are gorgeous. Even while you were describing the chess game, you did it so poetically! I felt more like I was reading about a real battle.
Since this is just a short story, I do like how you had Rose fall in love with Scorpius in the first chapter. You managed to set the scene well at the beginning, and since you didn't specify that the two of them hated each other previously, the idea that Rose fell in love wasn't unrealistic at all. And that metaphor of the scorpion's tail stinign her was absolutely gorgeous. One of my favorite lines in all the fanfiction I've read.
You should never have to worry about reviews! Your stories are too perfect >.<
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Hi, Naida! Thank you so much for coming by to read and review this story - it means a lot! Yes, I'm not the type to request because it's just uncomfortable to go begging like that, but desperate times call for desperate measures, right?
It's been exciting to find a new way of writing Scorose - I personally dislike the ship, but the more I try it out and rewrite its cliches, the more it starts to have a greater appeal. I'm so glad that this story is successful at reworking that cliche. :) I hadn't thought about how soon they fell in love, actually (which I should have - it's a huge issue in romance stories), but you're right that they didn't hate one another before. They would have operated in different worlds, she following her father's advice to be the top student, and I don't know what Scorpius would be doing - he's more of a follower in the beginning of this story, which is also different from his other portrayals in fanfiction.
Thank you again for this review! It's definitely a day-making review. ^_^ Report Review
okay here i am, reviewing out of order, lol.
a re-vision is correct, because this is so much more than a rewriting! this is pure genius and i love it so much. i actually read this chapter ages ago and it has taken me so long to post a review on this.
i adore the characterisation and the way you have opened this Act. it is ambiguous and abstract and i really like that, as you know.
there isn't too much more i can say - i think i said/gushed it all out in the review for chapter 2, only that this chess game - brilliant and what a perfect introduction to your world and your characters.
Kate xxAuthor's Response: I wonder if the story doesn't make more sense backwards. XD I came up with it in the wrong direction - from the ending to the beginning, then the middle. With the source text, the ending is the showpiece, and I want mine to be the same way - won't say anything more on that, thought. ;)
It's fantastic to hear that you like how this story is turning out so far and it means a lot to receive such compliments from you! ^_^ Report Review
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