I think this was very good, overlooking the few grammar errors, especially where commas are concerned. I especially liked Voldemort. It was simple yet he sounded his usual calm and evil self. There was the typical "Am I not merciful?" bit that always gets to me, so really good job on him.
Your descriptions were swift and flowed nicely with the one-shot. Somehow through your writing I could imagine the scenery, although I'd suggest adding just a little bit more next time. Snape and Dumbledore were well-written too. Maybe the transition from the first scene and the second was too quick. It starts with the same line, I have information by Snape. Maybe it would be good to have Snape think for a while, show us more about the situation from a new angle.
But overall it was very good and I really liked it. It made me feel all sad again when reading it. Keep up the great work. :)Author's Response: Thank you for your review!
With Voldermort, though his is very evil, I have always felt these has been something of a calm elegance while he remains in control of the situations. Combine that with his narcissistic ego the dialog just flows.
One of my favorite things to do through my writing is transporting my readers to the scenery that I picture in my imagination. I am pleased to hear that you did experience this while reading the story.
I will defiantly take another look at the transitions between the first scene with Voldermort and the second with Dumbledore and see if I can come up with a transition I feel flows.
Thank you again for your review and I am glad you enjoyed reading my story! Report Review
Hi, there! Thanks so much for doing your part to help Gryffindor take the cup! Here is your review.
You picked a really interesting moment in the chronology of Snape's sad story to write about. It's odd, isn't it? A man who seems as ruthless and calculating as Snape could make such a simple, thoughtless mistake. You not only captured his horrible moment of realization, but also presented a reasonably plausible state of mind for him just as he commits the second mistake that would define his miserable life.
Your descriptions of the manor where Voldemort was holed up were chilling. Just including Bellatrix is always a sobering detail in a story like this. The fact that Voldemort was torturing a man who displeased him added even more gravitas.
Then Snape is before him, and he compounds his mistake by letting his feelings for Lily become known to his master. We all know that Voldemort is not one to coddle any sort of weakness in his followers. Rather he tends to use that weakness to extract even more fealty from them. Snape clearly knows this, and he's immediately regretful.
I thought that the second part of the story, where he contacts and then meets with Dumbledore, wasn't quite as strong as the first part. Snape's meeting with Dumbledore felt kind of rushed to me. In the first part, you went into so much detail about Snape's feelings and reactions, as well as so many physical descriptions of Voldemort and their surroundings that really fleshed out the picture in my mind. A lot of that was missing from the second part.
I thought Dumbledore's reactions to Snape were pitch-perfect, however. He sees right through Snape's false heroism to the possessive heart of his obsession with Lily. He would have happily left James and Harry to their fates if Lily could have been his. It is rather disgusting. Snape never realizes, of course, that Voldemort's offer to spare Lily's life was ultimately his undoing, allowing her willing sacrifice to protect Harry.
I noted several things along the way that looked like typos or grammatical problems:
-- "They had entered a large sitting room, the light from the large fire and candles casted eery shadows across the floor." - I think "casted" should be "cast" in this context
-- "Snape made sure his mind was calm and clear before made his way over to his Master." - "before he made his way"?
-- "Voldermort pause, 'except, yes they have been quiet the nuisance.' Voldermort mused." - I think "pause" should be "paused" and there's something not right with the clause that follows.
-- "Snape heart stopped." - Snape's heart
-- "Dumbledore seemingly annoyed turned to go." - I think you need to separate "seemingly annoyed" with commas
-- "Then way ask that only she be spared?" - Then why...
-- "Snape fell to he's knees pleading once more. " - Snape fell to his knees, pleading once more.
-- "Without a word Dumbledore disappearted" - disapparated
-- "Snape fell forward his fingers clutching the grass as heavy cold rain began to battered his body." - I think you need to separate "clutching the grass" with commas and also change "battered" to "batter".
Overall, I enjoyed this. It took me mentally through a very interesting and poignant part of the HP chronology. I think that with a little fine-tuning of Snape's encounter with Dumbledore, it could be great!Author's Response: Thank you for the review! Always happy to do my part to help out Gryffindor!
I took your advice and went back over the story and fine tuned a few things and added to the ending. Initially I had wanted to stay as close to the original interaction between Dumbledore and Snape as possible. However after taking all the reviews into consideration I decided to add.
I attempted to continue on with the emotional and metal description via Snape. Hopefully it turned out well.
Thank you again for your review! Report Review
I think this is a very well written one shot, you focused an an extremely difficult time frame, and a very interesting one. I loved the imagery pertaining to the screaming coming closer as Snape entered the Manor, it really made it all very eerie.
We know that Severus never wanted to get Lily killed, so I couldn't image the feeling going through him when he realized that those were the ones he had sent his master on.
My only CC is to really put in that tension that was hovering around everything from the moment Snape heard the prophecy until meeting with Dumbledore, maybe just a few more descriptive words about exactly how Severus was feeling. His steps could echo in the terrified silence of his own ears as he walks form the manor, he could hear his own breath catching in his throat while speaking to Dumbledore - those kinds of things so we get a strong sense of what exactly was going through him.
This was a very captivating one shot! Thanks again for being a wonderful Gryffie and reviewing the Podcasts!
JamiAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review! Happy to help out Gryffindor!
I am happy you enjoyed my story! I took both yours and Dan's advice and made a few tweaks to the story, including extra imagery in the end scene with Dumbledore. Hopefully my additions did the trick!
Thank you again!
Hi again! I have arrived with your review! :)
First of all, the images are GORGEOUS. Just lovely.
So you definitely hooked me with a Snape fic, and doubly so with a Snape/Lily pairing, because they touch the sentimental, soft spot in my heart every time :) I really like that you chose to focus on this moment, which is surely one of the most important and most devastating in Snape's life and yet is explored so infrequently in fanfiction.
For the most part, I think you nailed Snape down pretty well. I hesitate a little bit to think that he would openly admit his feelings for Lily to Voldemort, though; I would have expected him to sidestep those details and make his case for her based on her usefulness as a witch and potential for helping to further Voldemort's aims. You touched on that, but I would have focused more on it. I think that you did quite a good job with him otherwise; he seemed very much like he did in canon. As for the other characters, I thought both Voldemort and Dumbledore were done pretty well. I wasn't sure if Bellatrix was being a little too nice to Snape, but it's plausible that maybe she didn't turn totally cold toward him until later on, after he'd been spying for quite some time.
I did spot a number of technical errors, so I would definitely recommend that you get a beta to look over this just to smooth out the wrinkles a little. I think the story flowed fairly well, and your imagery did a good job of helping to keep me engaged in the plot throughout the whole thing. All in all, this is a very good piece, and I appreciate you exposing me to it!
Nice work :) Thanks for requesting again, and as always, I hope my feedback is helpful to you.
academicaAuthor's Response: Hello again!
I will pass your comment about the images on to Jazzi at the TDA! :)
Of all the plots I have thought about tackling this had never originally been one of them. But when I was given my quote this moment just sprung to my mind and out came this one-shot!
When it came to Snape openly admitting his feelings for Lily to me it was not so much a willingness thing, but a realization that he had no other choice as he had accidently allowed Voldermort to slip into his mind at that moment. Bellatrix was a little tricky for me. We know how she was after Azkaban but not too much from before that other than her devotion to Voldermort which never changed. Though I am glad you did find how I portrayed her to be plausible for her at that time.
I will defiantly look into getting this story checked. However I am happy to hear that despite my technical errors that everything else about my writing kept you interested in the story and that you enjoyed it so much!
Yes your feedback was very helpful! :) Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested!
Very interesting story here! I've never read a story about Snape's betrayal to Voldemort, and in my opinion, you made a very good take on it. Job well done.
You did this very well. The dialogue seemed pretty in character, and I think it could have very well gone this way. While reading this story, I just kept thinking: now why would Snape do this? He was so in love with Lily. So ultimately I never understood why he betrayed them in the first place. Yes, he could have been extremely selfish and wanted Lily all to himself a if Lily would ever be with him after he did something as terrible as this, but he should have known from the start that Voldemort wouldn't have kept his word. :( but! We can't change what JKR wrote down, and you did a great job portraying it. :)
I really thought Snape with Dumbledore was fantastically done. Everything Dumbledore said to him was just brilliant and I think spot on. Awesome job!
A really nice little one-shot. :) Thanks for requesting!Author's Response: Thank you for taking time to review my story!
When I was writing this I was trying to figure out why Snape would betray Lily as well. My thought was that he did not realize till it was too late that the prophecy meant that Lily would more than likely die. I think that Snape was so excited to be able to deliver such important information to Voldermort that he never paused to think what that information meant.
I am happy that you liked the part between Dumbledore and Snape. I really liked how JKR wrote that part and I really tried to stay true to her vision of what took place that night.
Thank you again! Report Review
hi there! I saw your story on the forums and thought it sounded interesting...so here I am! :)
This being the first time you've wrote about Snape, you had his character very spot on. Hell, even Voldemort's too. I especially like the scene with the two of them together. Snape is one of my favourite characters, and it pains me to see him walking to his demise (because honestly, was he ever the same after Lily's death?). In the books, I skimmed over this part because I was still getting over the shock that Snape was in love with Lily. But Merlin's beard, it's simply heartbreaking to read it now :(
Your writing was good. I didn't have any problems reading it and as far as I could tell, you had no grammar errors. I skimmed through it very quickly. One thing to improve on: description. Your story would have been perfect if you used a little more imagery (Snape is very scared; is his body convulsing, breathing quickening, pores perspiring?). You focused so much on your wonderful dialogue that the story passed by too quickly and it felt like you were regurgitating Rowling-ish dialogue.
Finally, Dumbledore. He's a bamf, fo sho. I was honestly scared of him in that moment. It was wonderful that he wasn't overly understanding ("You wouldn't save her husband and son?") but it was a good build-up to their future relationship over the 16-odd years. You did the book justice, so great job.
"No I-" Could he really say that deep deep down in the blackest part of his soul that he did not wish that?
This part absolutely tore me to pieces. And simply because Lily's death was partly Snape's fault and all he ever wanted was to love her.
Great job. If you have any questions or you just want to talk with me about your story, feel free to contact me on the forums. My username is the same :)Author's Response: Thank you for taking time to read and review my story!
I am really happy that you felt I was spot on with both Snape's character and Voldermort's. I don't think that Snape was ever the same after Lily's death. Personally I think he never really move passed it. I too was shocked to discover that he had been in love with Lily, but it explained so much of his hatred towards James.
With this story I really did not want to detract too much from Rowling's original writing of the part between Dumbledore and Snape. Obviously we cannont write more than three quoted lines so I attempted to write my version as close to her's as I could. Though I could have done a bit more with the description.
With the part you quoted, I could see Snape in my mind pausing realizing that somewhere deep within him he wanted James and Harry dead. She was the only good thing he ever had in his life that seeing her start a family with another killed him. Or at least that is what I thought.
Thank you again for your review! Report Review
good story nice details of what happenedAuthor's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Brilliant! You've done very good with the quote I gave you. I thought this would be something of a James/Lily, and James would get mad about Lily being near Severus, etc...But it wasn't.
You may want to look back, love :) You have a few many typos. And I'm wondering...Didn't Lily already have Harry when Severus had told Riddle about it? I may be wrong, but it doesn't matter.
You did very well, and I like the way you incorperated the quote into your writing. Snape(obviously) happens to be my favorite character ;) Nicely done, love.Author's Response: You're totally right she had already had Harry when Snape told Voldermort the prophecy! Lol that totally slipped my mind. I'll have to fix that.
Sorry about the typos. Normally I don't have so many, but I had to use wordpad instead of word because my computer is having issues with Microsoft office. I'll see what I can do to clean it up more.
I'm really happy you enjoyed the story otherwise. The minute I saw the quote I just envisioned Snape realizing Voldermort would kill Lily. I really wanted to make Snape look human in this story. He always seems so cold and emotionless, other than anger, lol. Report Review
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