Reading Reviews for Unhinged Boys
  
44 Reviews Found

Review #1, by RosieQueen Frank and the aftershock

27th February 2012:
NO NOT A CLIFFHANGER! Just discovered this story today and I noticed that you haven't updated in a long time. Don't make this an abandoned story please!

Author's Response: Hi! And thanks for the unexpected review!
I assure you that this story isn't abandonned; I simply have not had the time to type down the next chapter (it's acutally written in a note book) I'll get to it very soon, I promiss!
I'm glad you enjoyed it so far and I hope the next chapter won't disapoint you !


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Review #2, by Zora Weasley Lily and the plan

30th January 2012:
I think it is really good how you managed to let them think that they changed the future, but that it didnt work, altough I wanted to shout "dont do it" when they were choosing Peter as the secret keeper. You made it an belivable time travelling story so far. I think that is often hard to do. im glad that you made it so that it could still be canon.
I also really enjoy your writng. i think you have a great style.

Author's Response: You know, they really thought they had the perfect plan! I tried to keep this in storyline and really to make this as believable as possible; like it could have really happened.

Thanks again for your kind words, you really made my day by saying you like my writting style. I'm glad you like my little story so far, I hope you will stay for the rest :)


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Review #3, by Zora Weasley Neville and the pendant

30th January 2012:
this chapter is incradibly amazing. So sad and happy . I started crying somewhere in the middle, but also had to smile, because I was so happy for both of the boys to finally meet their mothers.

Author's Response: Thank you so, so much for this review, you have no idea how happy you just made me!

I am always worried that I didn't really manage to get all the emotions to pass through the words with this chapter and I'm glad you seem to find I did ok! It is hard to write because one can never really know what it would be like to see a loved one you never got to know before.

And to me, it was essential to have Neville live that as well; afterall, his mother might be alive but he never really got to know her either, right? Thanks again for this review and sorry to have made you cry; at least you also had a smile though, right? :P


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Review #4, by CambAngst Neville and the pendant

26th January 2012:
OK, I couldn't resist one more chapter.

This was just a beautiful, emotional chapter. So much pain and deprivation culminating in a single moment for Neville and Harry. Such a terrible realization for Lily and Alice. It just heart-wrenching to read and imagine what the characters are feeling.

First off, I really liked how you let this chapter develop slowly. The way you took Harry and Neville and let the conversation develop and their emotions build was much better than just jumping headlong into using the pendants. It all flowed so well and sounded so natural, just very well done.

Then the actual trip back... like I said, a masterpiece of a tear-jerker.

I think this is where I stopped reading last time. I'll keep an eye out for you in the common room...

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Review #5, by CambAngst Harry and the vault

26th January 2012:
You know, it's coming back to me... I read this chapter once before and I didn't review it. My sincere apologies!

So I'm tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread and I am reviewing this well and properly this time.

The idea for this story is amazing. It's just wonderful to imagine Harry and Neville both having this avenue into the lives of the parents they never to to know. It offers insight and a connection and closure. In a word, it's magical.

I thought that Harry, Ginny and Neville were all very believable and in character. Neville coming into his own, but still being slightly deferential to Harry and a bit unsure of himself. Ginny being so patient with Harry, being there to listen, but almost making sure that he listens to his own feelings. And Harry, still tortured by all that he's been through yet unwilling to let his friends down by showing weakness. You did a great job of taking all three of them into the days and weeks following the battle.

I guess if there was one thing I found a little off, it would be the goblins' "retribution" against Harry. It seemed kind of pointless, as if to say, "OK, we're going to torment you for a few seconds... Ah, there you go, on about your business. Thanks for banking at Gringotts!" I would have found that part more purposeful if they had actually demanded something from him, like restitution for the damage.

Anyway, terrific start to your story. I may get weak and have to read and review chapter 2, even though I'm at work!

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Review #6, by DracoFerret11 Frank and the aftershock

2nd January 2012:
Me again!

I can't believe this is all you've written! Please return to the review thread if you post more. :D

Terrific job with this chapter. I really liked that you wrote from Frank's point of view. Though, I finally realized that we haven't any clue what Alice and Frank look like. You haven't given us any description. So that might be something to consider adding. :]

Wonderful job with the emotions in this chapter. I was really feeling what they were. It was quite sad. I enjoyed all the characterization as well. Good job with that. Everybody seemed pretty good. The only one that was a little tough to believe as canon was Moody, who didn't seem quite as gruff as he should've.

I enjoyed the plot here. I thought you did very well moving things along. I can't wait to see what happens when they talk to Sirius. The only thing that was a little off was the fact that they realized a LOT of things very accurately, very quickly. That was a tad unrealistic.

I forgot to mention this last chapter, but that one and this chapter both have several spelling/grammar errors that you might want to read through and catch. They weren't terrible, but they were a bit distracting. :P

Other than that, wonderful job. I think you have a terrific story here. I'm excited to see just what changes in the future because of Alice and Lily's choices. Please return to the review thread when you post more!

--Emily (DarkRose on the forums)

Author's Response: Hi again and thank you so, so much for all of this.

This is all I've written SO FAR. Then next chapter is practically all in a note book, I need to take the time to type it and finish it.

I laughed so much at myself when I read your comment; Alice and Frank are so clearly present in my mind's eye that I didn't even describe them in this piece! Wow, that is bad!! I will definitly go back and correct that!!!

Moddy is bad. Horrible, I know. I'm really working hard on re-writting him. I had to send the chapter in last time though, because it was for a challenge but now that the challenge is over, I can take the time to re-work it.

You think the realized things too fast? They are smart!!! No seriously, you are right and I was thinking the same thing when I wrote it.

As for the errors, the two last chapters had not been betaed so that is the problem. You have quite the good eye my dear!

I want to thank you very much for those reviews. You really helped me realise things about my writting and openend my eyes to other things I had willingly chosen to ignore. I will go back and make modifications to this story and, as soon as the next chapter is up, I'll get back to you for sure! Thanks again!


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Review #7, by DracoFerret11 Lily and the plan

2nd January 2012:
Me again!

Wow...this chapter. Just...wow. I knew this would happen, but I still can't believe it. It was necessary for the plot...but they tried so hard and that's just depressing. They really thought they could change things. They thought it would be different, but it wasn't. So sad... :[

So, characterization: I really enjoyed Lily, Alice, and Frank. I think you have them spot-on. James was a little iffy to me. I thought he seemed a bit too emotional a lot of the time which I wasn't too fond of. Sirius was great though, and the one part with Peter was solid. Good job.

Description-wise, there could have been more. I would have liked to hear more about their emotions and surroundings, as well as their expressions.

The plot...oh my. I just...I have no words. It's going so beautifully, but also so depressingly. I know what's happening, of course, but a part of me was still wishing things could have been different. Even though I knew that they couldn't or else Harry never would have been the Chosen One. Because Lily wouldn't have died to save him, he wouldn't have been The Boy Who Lived, etc. It's still sad though.

I think you did wonderfully here. I'm excited to read chapter five. Good job and you'll hear from me again soon. :D

--Emily

Author's Response: Hi again and thanks so much for this review.

It was a very hard chapter to write, you know? Because I didn't want to change things and I knew people wouldn't really like it since they expected everything to change. Well, little things will change but not the big picture.

I have to agree about James; I wasn't really sure about him and how he would react to learning these new information. I'll go back on it and try to make him less soppy. You are right, he wasn't necessarily the emotional type but in my mind, he was the passionate type, the one that wants to protect the ones he loves so much, it must hurt him to know that, at some point, he will fail.

I'm very happy you seem to like how the story is progressing no matter how depressing it is. Thanks again for those helpful reviews!


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Review #8, by DracoFerret11 Alice and her boys

1st January 2012:
Hullo! Me again.

Wow! This was another great chapter. I love reading this story. It's sad in a lot of ways, but there's hope there too.

The characterization here is spot-on. It's perfect. I've decided that I absolutely love how you've done Alice and Lily, as well as Harry and Neville of course. I like the way the mothers act towards their sons; it's very sweet. And I am very curious to see what they decide to change. If they want to live and be present in their sons lives, it will literally change everything that's happened. Harry won't be the Chosen One; he won't have the power to defeat Voldemort; Neville won't have the same personality, etc. Everything will change.

I like how the story is progressing plot-wise. Good job moving things along nicely. It all flows very nicely.

You're presenting emotions incredibly well, but I'm seeing a bit of a lack of descriptions elsewhere. Their surroundings or expressions, for instance, aren't really described. So maybe add something about that in? :]

Good job, overall. I'm on to chapter four!

--Emily

Author's Response: Hi again and sorry for the delay in my response!

I'm glad you like this chapter and that you like Alice and Lily! I went and re-read the first chapters after you reviewed and they are definitly stronger, character-wise, in the last chapters. I will go back and change little things about them.

You are right, there aren't a lot of descriptions in this story, which is kind of strange since it's usually what I do the most. But this time, I had so much to say, I didn't want the chapters to feel heavy because of the descriptions. I realize now that I might have cut too much of it though, I will go back and give a more "homey" feel to this story, thanks for pointing it out!


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Review #9, by DracoFerret11 Neville and the pendant

31st December 2011:
Hey there! This is the ridiculously-slow DarkRose from the forums, continuing the reviews you requested months ago.

I'm so happy I've continued reading this story...it was tough catching up on my review thread, but I'm making progress and this is a great story to spend my time with.

This chapter was absolutely magnificent. I was surprised to realize it was in Neville's POV, but I think you wrote it quite well. I like the idea of him and Harry being better friends than they were in canon. Good job. :]

I bet it would be really difficult NOT to ask the other one what the letters said. I would want to see what my mom had written, if I were them. But you handled the awkwardness well and then they went back in time! :o I've never read a time-travel story, so we'll have to see where it all goes. They had better not try to change the past. That would ruin absolutely everything!

I like where things are going, plot-wise. I think you have a good story idea worked out. Your characterization of the boys is solid, though I wasn't sure about Alice and Lily's. It seemed a bit shaky, like you weren't sure how to write them. Maybe with time, that will improve. :]

Overall, I liked this chapter a lot. Great job! Sorry I've been on hiatus so long. I'll continue reading ASAP!

--Emily

Author's Response: Why hello there! I did not even remember I that I was still on your review thread so this came as a very nice surprise on this New Year morning!!!

I do agree that Neville and Harry should have been better friends, considering everything they shared but, personality wise, when they were younger, it didn't work. So I wanted the new and improved Neville to fit with good old Harry.
Lily and Alice were a bit shaky at the begining, you are very right. I had a clear idea how to write them but I couldn't get it right and since this was for a challenge, I had to post the chapter quickly without really giving those characters the time they need. I hope I did a better job with them in the later chapters but I'm honestly not so sure. I will go back and work on them as soon as I'm done with the two last chapters.

Thanks for this lovely and unexpected review! I hope you had a good holiday and that the toll of life isn't wearing you down too much!


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Review #10, by Your Secret Santa :) Harry and the vault

26th December 2011:
I like this story so far. It's a nice idea, and I love how Neville and Harry are so close. I always liked the two of them as close friends. They both have so much in common with their parents and all, they need to be friends. I loved the letter too- sounds just like how I pictured Alice to be. This has such a feel of mystery and sadness, it's just an amazing story.

Your Secret Santa!

Author's Response: Hi again Santa!

I'm glad you liked this first chapter, it was the hardest one to write because Harry is such a known character, it's easy to fall out of character with him.
I do agree that Harry and Neville need to be friend, which is why I included him in this story. Most time-travel story you read only involve Harry but Neville would enjoy it as well, wouldn't he?

I'm glad you liked the letter, it was the first thing I wrote and Alice really is one of my favorite character in this story!

Thanks again for this review and happy holidays!


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Review #11, by Secret Santa! Frank and the aftershock

19th December 2011:
Hello :) It me again - ho ho ho! ;)

I LOVE this story! I think the plot is brilliant! It's just wow! :D I really enjoyed how you didn't do the typical 'time-turner' idea! The pendant idea jsut worked amazingly, and I could really imagine Lily and Alice planning something like that!

I really enjoyed your characterisation - it was spot on! My only slight issue was with Ginny, I've always imagined her to be a bit more feisty, but otherwise she was realy canon!

Ooh Frank is going to see Sirius! My guesses are
1) Sirius will be slightly crazy and won't be able to answer their questions.
2) Sirius tells Frank, Frank gathers proof.. but then gets tortured before he can pass the message on.
3) Moody will believe Sirius and go to the court in Sirius' defence.. but they will say Sirius is crazy and discount the evidence.

That's just my theory.. :D

Really enjoyed it and will favourite it after Christmas (it will be slightly obvious who I am, if I do it now)

Merry Christmas,
Your Secret Santa!

Author's Response: Wow, that laugh made me believe in you even more!!!

Oh you have no idea how happy you made me by reviewing this story! It's not for everyone because of how different it is with the changing points of view and all but I'm so glad you gave it a try!

I have a hard time writting Ginny, especially Ginny just after the war. I will work on her characterization and make her more fiesty after the holidays!

Chapter 6 is almost done and the, even though I love your suggestions, I'm surprised to see that you did not spot where this is going!! (insert evil laugh).

You really made my entire holiday just by revieweing this story Santa and I thnak you so very much for your kind words!


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Review #12, by anonymous diva Harry and the vault

16th October 2011:
Hey I am from the forums with ur review . I m soo sorry this took forever but I just got really busy with life . So now about the story :

Wow . Thats the word that comes to my mind after reading this chapter . It was full of emotions and I love it. I like the way u potray the inner turmoils harry is going through and also u putting him as a first person. I also liked Alice's character as she is not portrayed much in the movies . I'll surely read the next chapters . Feel free to ask for reviews. 1 thing I would like to say that I m a sucker for romantic fics so I would love if u add a little more chemistry bw harry and ginny . The rest was perfect

Author's Response: Hi! There is no problem with the delay, I really don't mind, especially if it's such a nice review!
I'm glad you liked the first chapter; it was hard to write. I wasn't so sure if Harry would sound out of Character because of the emotions he is going through but this is the way I picture he would feel, after the war so I'm sticking with it!!
The coming chapters are a bit different actually. See every chapter is from a different character's point of view and Alice definitly gets her own chapter. She is such a great character.

As for the romance, well I am pretty bad at writting it so no, there won't be more romance in the story and certaintly not between Harry and Ginny (Ginny wil not come back for the rest of the story so,..) but I guess I could add a bit more chemistry between the two of them.
Thanks again for the review, I really appreciate your comments and will look into it for sure!


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Review #13, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Frank and the aftershock

29th September 2011:
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your final requested review! Don't forget to respond to my reviews please and let me know if I have helped you, it's good for me to get feedback as well! Haha!

Once again I don't have that much to say. I don't think the chapter has been edited so I've listed a few things that need to be changed. Other then that the story is flowing wonderfully and you really have an interesting plot line. It's more of a what if--what if they could change the future/the past?

The only advice I can say is to make sure you re-read the story a few times before posting and even use spell-check so it'll recognize the common spelling errors you make. Other than that, there's not much to say because the story is quite interesting.

Thanks so much for requesting! I hope I helped!

A few things:

- grabing should be 'grabbing'
- grabed should be 'grabbed'
- as should be 'was'
- droped should be 'dropped'
- nigt should be 'night'
- avoir should be 'avoid'
- loosing should be 'losing'
- That answer brought a light small

Small should be 'smile'. And it would read better it it was like this: That answer brought a small light smile...

- Or course should be 'of course'
- Suddently should be 'suddenly'
- Scelling should be 'sealing'
- they we will get to see Harry grow up

they should be 'then'

- mostlty should be 'mostly'
- reasuring should be 'reassuring'
- that's a bit change

bit should be 'big'

- desert should be 'deserted'
- murdered should be 'murderer'
- an autorization should be 'authorization'

the an is not necessary
- our of bed should be 'out of bed'
- avoir should be 'avoid'

Author's Response: What is there to say to such a review? Thank you so, so, so much for this. I really recognize and appreciate all the time and energy you put into reviewing this chapter and I will make the corrections you suggested.
I do read my stories a couple times but the problem is that English isn't my first langage so most of the errors you noticed simply sounded good to me or, if not good, they do sound ok to my ears (like I know that something is wrong with the sentence or the word, but I can't see what it is). And you are correct, my beta had not looked this chapter over before I posted it!

I thank you again for you wonderful critics and appreciate your review a lot!


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Review #14, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Lily and the plan

29th September 2011:
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your requested review! Lets begin!

I have barely finished sentence one and I would like to say that I really enjoy how you switch point of views for each chapter. We really get a sense of all the characters this way. It's funny how you have Alice question about Potter men and red heads. I see a lot of that lately around HPFF. It's not a bad thing because everyone has their own twist on it.

This review will be relatively shorter compared to the others because I don't have much to say. I do appreciate the back-stories you give and how you incorporated so many different characters and touched upon what happens to them. I could see Neville and Harry trying not to 'over share' because it would pain their mothers if they ever actually got to meet them. I really felt for Neville though, his story made so much sense. Very believable the way you explained it.

A few things though (and it's not in order of the chapter):

- blocking the view of everyone behing her

'behing' should be 'behind'

- be alcoolics or something of the sort

'alcoolics' should be 'alcoholics'

- so she'll be ready to step in when he will retire

should be 'so she'll be ready to step in when he retires'


- periode should be 'period'

- Remus went on the be a teacher?

'the be' should be 'to be'

- mentionning should be 'mentioning'

- I gasped, completly flored by this revelation.

'flored' should be 'floored' and 'completly' should be 'completely'

- trying to console him in an ackward way

'Ackward' should be 'awkward'

Author's Response: Sorry for the horrible lateness in my respond, I've been kept away from my computer and this place for almost a year!!

Thank you so much for pointing those errors, I will look them through and fix them now that I have finally seen it :P

Thanks none the less for taking the time to review my story, I'm glad you liked the feeling of it!


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Review #15, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Neville and the pendant

28th September 2011:
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here again with your review. Lets get to reviewing!

I'm not doing a running review this time because I so desperately wanted to get into Neville's head. I LOVE how you wrote him! You added just the right amount of humor, pain and clear maturity in his voice. I feel like Neville is such a complex character and you really explained things to me that I never thought about through his head.

I got extremely teary-eyed when Harry called him his brother. That was beautiful because it's so true, they have been through so many similar things and why wouldn't he feel that way considering Neville did technically save his life when he killed Vold's snake.

I also like how you foreshadowed in the first chapter that Harry thought in his head...well, I don't remember the exact words but he knew now not to play with magic or spells that he knows nothing about and yet him and Neville do that with the pendants. A Death Eater for all we know could have cursed them!

I also like the option that you give them; they could obliviate the memories that they are going to now acquire of their mothers. It brings up an interesting subject. Do they or don't they? I honestly don't know what they would decide, I mean it might fill the 'void' that they talk about but think about how much more painful it is to just have only bits and pieces of their parents. Especially Neville because his parents are still alive. This was a wonderful chapter.



Just a few things:
- "What am I doing done here?"

Should be 'what am I doing down here?'

' We never talked about my parents at home so it was a real shock to come here and have people told me about them all of the sudden.'

Should be 'we never talked about my parents at home so it was a real shock to come here and have people tell me about them all of a sudden.'

Author's Response: Hello, second late, late, late response (but I am getting them done!)

I am so glad you liked Neville! It was so much fun (and much easier then I expected) to write from his point of view. He is such a deep and conflicted character; one that we didn't see much of but his evolution is very nice to explore!
I always found it a bit sad that he never got a lot of friends and certaintly never one so close as how Ron and Harry are. But Harry and Neville do share a very similar life experience and they did end up sharing a heavy burden during the war; making them closer then before. And Harry knows how important family is; he has to know that it would mean the same for Neville at this point.

The option is important here, not for the characters but for me and the readers! I honestly don't know how I would act and you seem to think like me; it's more meant as a reflection for the reader as you will see later on.

I will correct the things you pointed out now that I have the mind power to get back to this story. Thanks again for the insight, the comments and for making me rethink some of my choices for this story, I appreciate it a lot!


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Review #16, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Harry and the vault

28th September 2011:
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your requested review. Sorry for taking so long but real life has been quite hectic. Now, lets get to reviewing!

I start off usually doing a running review and then towards the end I stop because I'm lazy. Haha. So, far I like the characterization of Hermione. You really have her true to canon because she's being a bit snarky (not in a bad way) about the cooling charm, I can definitely see her saying 'did you guys learn nothing over your six years here?' It's also extremely believable that Harry, Ron, Neville and the others that you have mentioned so far would go back and reassemble Hogwarts after the battle.

Personally I do not think that Neville would be so outright as to call his Mum 'crazy.' I was a bit taken back by that, I think it's a very painful thing for him to talk about and it is very serious. I would use a different word but that's entirely up to you. Also the internal feelings of Harry. I don't think he would feel so empty, I think after the war, especially right after he would have been filled with love. I mean he has Ginny, the Weasley's and Neville just to name a few. It seems very unlike him. I suppose because he's thinking of his Mum at this exact moment that he feels empty but he's not completely alone.

But I do rather like Harry's struggle that you write about, it's a struggle for him to get up and see these people that are all broken. It makes sense because if we think back to Harry when Sirius died and when Cedric died he was the same way. Every death impacted him in such a way where he just became a shell of himself.

Again I feel like you have kept towards the character of Ginny that J.K. Rowling created. She would have definitely helped Harry out with his problems, listened to him no matter how she was feeling. You are really able to describe the emotion that the two are feeling quite beautifully.

It sounds a bit awkward to add in the letter 'to get pissed with you' and even the 'yeah, you boys cuddle.' It seems a bit out of place with the emotion you are going for in the letter and it seems out of character for Alice to be saying such a thing. It was a different darker time, the cuddling seems to me that youre trying to make it seem light and sort of funny but it's not necessary in my opinion. This is a hard thing for Harry to read and it takes away from the shine of the information.

I think it was very sweet the letter and the pendant obviously will allow Harry and Neville to travel back in time. You really have an interesting story going on here and the only true criticism I can say (because everything above was just opinion) is that you add some unnecessary wording sometimes. It's not a big deal because it doesn't take away from the story but since you're writing such long chapters you might want to go back and just cut some excess.

Hope I helped and I will go on now to chapter two!

Author's Response: Alright, this is ackward... I'm really sorry for the delay but can you believe I am finally getting to your review almost seven months later? Yeah, things got a bit out of my hands in the last couple months and I'm really sorry about the delay. Can you ever forgive me for it? I hope so... It may not look like it but your reviews always make me so happy!

Alright, on to the response and not just my lame-ness... First off, I'm glad you find it believable that these people would go back to Hogwarts to help fix it. I personally think that the members of the DA are among those that got the most involved with their school, not just classes and activities but the actual well-being of the establishment and the students within it. They must have a stronger bond to the place. Plus, I think some people lost pretty much everything there; friends and family members so this is a way to deal with their loses.

The point you make about Neville calling his mother crazy is definitly valid and from the moment I wrote it, it felt wrong but I couldn't find another word to replace it with in order to really represent his feeling there. I will keep looking though, because I believe you are right and this is out of character for him.

The emptiness... well this is up for debate :) I like your points and I understand where you are coming from but I still can't imagine him feeling any other way then empty. Not because he doesn't have love or anything more because he doesn't feel like he deserves it. More because he is struggling to find peace with himself and doesn't want to hurt anyone else because of it; he'd rather be alone and empty rather than full of conflict and generating pain around him (not sure if that makes sense or not though). I imagine him being so full of emotions and ideas all the time that he can't concentrate on anything for too long; like he doesn't have strenght anymore.

Ginny was hard to write; I never really grasped that character because she doesn't make sense to me. I do not understand how she could have become what she is considering what she went through. It doesn't work for me and this is why I can't write her. Harry's pain, no problem; Ron's clulessness, bring it on! But Ginny? I'm lost! But you think I got it right, well thank you so very much for saying so; I appreciate it a lot considering how hard this part was for me!

The letter... Well, you'll meet Alice later on, you'll tell me if you think it's still out of place then!

I know that this response comes very late but I am working on what you told me, the unnessary wording. I'm trying to slim down the story and the vocabulary as well. Thanks again and I apologize for the delay. I can't explain to you why this took so long; there is a valid reason why this got out of hand but it isn't 12+ so you'll just have to trust me. I hope you will forgive me though...




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Review #17, by DracoFerret11 Harry and the vault

17th September 2011:
Hello there! It's the ever-slow DarkRose from the forums, here with the first of your reviews.

I want to say that the writing style that you carry throughout the chapter is absolutely wonderful, especially at the beginning. Though this was very long (which made it a bit hard to get through), I liked it and I think you've set up a very interesting story.

Loved the characterization for everyone. I really think you did well on those grounds. You've got a talent there. As well as for descriptions. Great job!

A couple of things that I might change though: when Harry arrives at Gringott's, you say that a goblin makes a chair appear from thin air, but goblins don't have magic...so that wouldn't be possible. At least, they don't have the type of magic that could make a chair appear.

Also, in the letter that Alice wrote Harry, the sentence where it says, "I will be there to get pissed with you on the glorious day you turn 17." seems sort of awkward. I don't think the phrase "get pissed with you" works well for Alice's characterization, but of course: that's at your discretion.

Great job with the chapter though, and I think you're doing well. It'll take me a while to read the other chapters, but I'll let you know what I think as I go.

--Emily

Author's Response: Sorry for the horrible lateness in my respond, I've been kept away from my computer and this place for almost a year!!

Thanks none the less for taking the time to review my story, I'm glad you liked the feeling of it!


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Review #18, by Lady of Tears Harry and the vault

14th September 2011:
What a unique idea! I really like it. :)

I thought Neville was well characterized. You don't get to see him with such deep thoughts and emotions, that he would surely have. It's all on a surface level. I think, overall, that that is a strength of yours. You really have a handle on what you want your characters to feel and you're not afraid to make them feel it.

Ginny was another gem, I thought. That's one reason I think Harry fell in love with her; she's the only one he can really talk to sometimes, with frankness and honesty.

The only part that seemed out of place was the "useless shadow of a man" part. I am all for Harry being emotional, and having a lot of problems after the war, but I think that he would have found great strength in love, and wouldn't have thought something in that vein. Maybe confusion and fear about what he was going to do next in his life, but not so mid-life crisis.

Good job! I hope I helped some.

Author's Response: Sorry for the horrible lateness in my respond, I've been kept away from my computer and this place for almost a year!!

Thanks none the less for taking the time to review my story, I'm glad you liked the feeling of it!


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Review #19, by Phoenix_Flames Harry and the vault

5th September 2011:
Hi there! I'm here with your review as requested. :)

This was a great start to the story. You seem to have a very unique and original story developing here. I can't wait to see where you take it. I'm sure it will be wonderful.

You did a good job with starting the story off well and pulling the reader in from the very beginning. You had me captivated and intrigued from the start. I wanted to know more as soon as I could. Well done. Also great job with all the descriptions! You really did a wonderful job with that. You brought the story to life and gave it feeling and emotion all in one. I felt as if I were there.

I think storires told from Harry's POV are actually pretty rare because he is so difficult to write, but so far I think you have his character spot on. I can't wait to see if this will remain so as the story develops, but I'm sure you will do a great job with him. :) He seems just wonderful so far. I loved his conversation with Ginny, and I'm glad you put that in there. We know Harry is the type to bottle all of his emotions up, but I'm so glad he was about to open up. I love that change you made!

And making Alice his god-mother! Wow! You know, I always wondered if he had a god-mother. I found it odd - but completely plausible, I guess - that he didn't have a god-mother. And while thinking this, it didn't even occur to me that Alice could have been it. I think you are so clever for making her his god-mother because it could easily be true. And that note to Harry from Alice was wonderful. It was very touching.

I can't wait to see where you will take this story. I'm sure it will be wonderful.

I am going to empty out the rest of my queue. THen I will be back for more. If I'm not back within a few days, feel free to come request the next chapter. :) Thank you!

Author's Response: Sorry for the horrible lateness in my respond, I've been kept away from my computer and this place for almost a year!!

Thanks none the less for taking the time to review my story, I'm glad you liked the feeling of it!


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Review #20, by Atomic Frank and the aftershock

4th September 2011:
Oh, I am absolutely loving this!!! You have a marvelous plot and I really hope that Alice and Frank are able to change Sirius's fate in some sort of way.

For critiques, the only thing I noticed was Moody. His dialogue seemed very OOC. I know a lot has happened in between now and when the books are written, but he seems like a completely different character.

Otherwise though you definitely have me on the edge of my seat. I can't wait to see where you take this story! It has so much potential. Feel free to re-request!!

Great job!

Author's Response: Thanks ! I'm glad you like the plot! I know a lot of time-travel stories have been written but I like to this that this one will be different (or so I hope).
I'm taking your critic into account and will look at those dialogues again for sure. Thanks for the nice review!


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Review #21, by Atomic Lily and the plan

4th September 2011:
Hello again!

Your story is absolutely heartbreaking. I think it's even worse for Lily to have known she had the chance to change everything and yet she failed once again because Harry didn't tell her enough. That is so sad. I literally felt my heart drop when she realized what had happened.

The only critique I have is some minor spelling and grammar issues. But very tiny, a quick reread should fix them.

Again, I love your story. The characters are great, and I'm so, so glad you decided not to change the future. Harry's life needed to happen the way it did. No matter how traumatic it was.

Can't wait to read the next chapter! Wonderful job!

Author's Response: Thanks so much. I have to agree with you, it's horrible to think that she knew it was coming and that she really thought they were going to save their lives (and Harry's future) by acting this way but that it failed again.

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Review #22, by Atomic Alice and her boys

4th September 2011:
Hey there!

Great chapter as usual! Very emotional and descriptive. I love it! Alice is a great character, too. Not really how I imagined her but definitely very appropriate.

Again, I know this story was written for a challenge, but I honestly think if you wanted to improve it you should pick a perspective and stick with it. Switching first person perspectives is sort of confusing.

Otherwise I have no complains. It is extremely well written and very entertaining. I love the plot line and I can't wait to see what Lily has up her sleeve.

Author's Response: Sorry for the horrible lateness in my respond, I've been kept away from my computer and this place for almost a year!!

Thanks none the less for taking the time to review my story, I'm glad you liked the feeling of it!


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Review #23, by Atomic Neville and the pendant

4th September 2011:
Hello again!

Oh, this chapter is so, so sad. I literally cried while reading it. You captured the emotions beautifully. Everything felt so realistic.

I wish I had some critiques for you! But I really don't. Everything was great. The dialogue was good, the flow was good, and I'm loving the plot!

Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this review, I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter, it was a lot of fun to write, mostly because of all the emotional toll this story is taking!

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Review #24, by Atomic Harry and the vault

4th September 2011:
Hello there, it's Atomic from the forums responding to your review request!

So, I think you have a marvelous plot line here! I think the whole coming of age gift is a wonderful idea, and that it's really touching that Lily and Alice were Neville and Harry's respective godmothers.

Now, I know that the story was written for a perspective challenge, but really my only critique is the perspective. I'm not a fan of first person. I feel like it severely limits you. But I totally understand that this was a challenge.

This was also very sad, and I sort of teared up at the end. Although I felt Alice's writing was a little immature for the age she would have been, it was still very touching.

You're doing a great job with the story and I'm excited to read the next chapter!

Author's Response: Sorry for the horrible lateness in my respond, I've been kept away from my computer and this place for almost a year!!

Thanks none the less for taking the time to review my story, I'm glad you liked the feeling of it!


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Review #25, by HartOfARebel Frank and the aftershock

24th August 2011:
Please please please let them survive to have that interview! If Sirius was released that wouldn't change the future too much!! Actually I have no idea if it would I'm just hoping he gets out 'cause I love him and I want you to get him out! =]
And it would make such a big difference even to Remus' life if Sirius was out. He spent 12 years thinking one of his best friends was a traitor! o.O
Ooo! Can the interview with Sirius be from Sirius' point of view? That'd be cool =]

Author's Response: Sorry for the horrible lateness in my respond, I've been kept away from my computer and this place for almost a year!!

Thanks none the less for taking the time to review my story, I'm glad you liked the feeling of it!


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