Dahhh amazing Y U SUCH A GOOD WRITTER??!!Author's Response: Thank you!! :') Report Review
This is good, very different from everything else I have read before :) The only thing I would say is that you rushed a bit over the memories and the bit after...but otherwise really good :) I like the idea that Walburga turned, rather than just being horribleAuthor's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
Hi! Lily here with your review. I think your story is great. I mean, it's really sad, but still, you got your point across. I think it's believable. I love the opening, with Sirius' thoughts flashing around like that.
Describing Reg as the spare was great, and showed part of why the two brothers probably hated each other. All in all, It's a great story!
~LilyFireAuthor's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
hey! this is AditiDraco95 from the forums with your review =)
Well, this fic was good. The idea overall was pretty nice. I liked your plotline.
However, there are some spacing mistakes like "thehowler", "hervoice" etc.
So it would make the story more readable if you could get those fixed.
Also, there is a kind of abruptness in your narration, especially during the start of the chp, which aint quite good 'cause the introduction and conclusion to a story, especially a one-shot, needs to be very good and impressive.
"Sirius ran from the Great Hall, embarrassed due to thehowler. He couldnít understand why his mother couldnít leave him alone. He ran and ran until his stomach hurt. He had reached the base of the stairs leadingto the Astronomy Tower. Without a second of hesitation he raced up those stairsout to the bone-chilling air.
The cold didnít bother him. Soon his body would go numb andlose all sensations. He jumped over the wall and sat on the small parapet. The Hogwarts Grounds looked beautiful from up here. Covered in a sheet of snow it looked like a Winter Wonderland. He could see the frozen Black Lake and theso-still Whomping Willow." - here the sentences are very abrupt. there seems to be hardly any flow here.
I would suggest you to get this re-phrased in such a manner that it becomes more understandable and impressive. The narration needs improvement.
Also, there are some sentence formation/punctuation/grammatical errors. For example: "You filthy no son of my own". Here, what you're trying to convey is said better as - "You piece of filth, you're no son of mine!"
Similarly, in many places, such small fixatures and finishing touch could make your story more impressive.
Overall, the story has a fair sense of believability, it seems realistic enough, so the plot and scene is good enough.
Just some small improvements are needed which I pointed out above, and then your story could be up for a 10/10. I'd advice you to find a beta-reader who could proof-read this for you, and then I'm sure he/she would polish the fic in the right places =)
For now, this story could be given a 7.5/10 =)
I hope I was of help and didn't come off as too harsh.
Thanks for dropping by my review thread!
ADAuthor's Response: Actually I went through the spacing errors the day before yesterday and edited the chapter, but it has still not been validated!
In that paragraph I'm actually trying to show the randomness of the thoughts in Sirius' mind and how everything he is doing, like running, is without putting any thought into it and it is just spontaneous.
And those lines which Sirius' mother writes to him, actually I don't know why but I felt it conveyed it better off in those words. It shows some sort of resentment towards Siruis, like kind of she doesn't even want to form complete statements and she is even disgusted to write to him in the first place!
Yeah I need a beta, I've PM'ed a person and as soon as I get a reply I will send it over for beta-ing!
Thanks alot for your time and valuable comments. I will make sure I make the necessary changes!
Thanks once again for the review!
~CessZ Report Review
'due to thehowler...' 'leadingto the Astronomy Tower' 'raced up those stairsout' 'go numb and lose' 'Black Lake and theso-still' 'whole months?Hadnít she' 'nevergiven birth' 'heir of the Blackfamily' 'hervoice breaking' 'Lemme telly ou a story' 'Petunia hadnever' 'place.He had been' 'responsiblefor the' 'A man ofhis bloodline' 'didníteven exist' 'Arenítyou cold' ... I think someone has a wee bit of a spacing problem...
I think you need to also scatter a couple of commas about the place to make the reading smoother. And just as a general rule, it's usually best to spell out numbers under one hundred!
And in some cases remove commas, e.g. '...punishing him for a mistake, which wasnít even...'
'Than why was he so hurt' than is not the right word there! Try then, but or yet, just to name a few replacements.
'at on epoint of time' at one point in time?
'He braced himself for company, when the company shocked him' again, when is not the right word here; yet or but work tenfold better.
Your characterization seems fine! :) I loved your description of Regulus as the spare heir!
This was certainly a very interesting premise for a story! There were little things in the plot I'd like to tweak but I did enjoy the idea! I don't however see Orion getting angry over having a girl after already having two male heirs. After all, weren't Narcissa and Bellatrix just adored by their parents? I think that maybe it would have been better if he had got angry at something else, like maybe the child wasn't his or something? Anyway, I think this story has LOADS of potential and with a bit of fine tuning it could be really fantastic! :)Author's Response: Actually When I copy pasted the whole thing into the site from word some of the spacing was automatically removed. I read through it twice and got rid of many spacing errors, so these must have slipped my attention. I'll get to it ASAP!
Actually here I'm showing the issue of female foeticide. I know it must be a bit difficult for you to understand as this doesn't happen much abroad but from where I come from this is very common and it happens usually in the "big families". So this is my way of combining my world and the magical world! :)
Thanks a lot for your review. I think I'm going to copy paste this into word and have a spellcheck and make the necessary changes.
~CessZ Report Review
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