That was incredible!
Such a dark one shot and the way you described Azkaban and the life for the prisoners inside was scary. Much more scary then JK Rowling had ever made Azkaban out to be, the way you described it is how I thought it might have been. There's a reason that people don't want to go there and you done amazingly to show that reason in this story.
I really like how Lucius thought about pride, like it's been branded in him and it's good to see that he still had some of that in him, even though he was becoming more and more broken.
I loved this, it was so haunting and dark. Report Review
This is incredible! You are so descriptive that I feel like I am inside Lucius's mind. I can see his cell and feel his despair. The confusion of his emotions and thoughts are priceless. He knows what he did was wrong, but only feels the regret of his son being involved. His mention of his own childhood makes me crave to hear more about it all. Great job!Author's Response: Thank you so much, what you've said is exactly what I hoped. To feel what Lucius felt and understand that his regret is only for his family was the idea I had when I planned this. So I'm really glad you liked it.
I have headcanon and ideas and all sorts on my characters, including Lucius, so maybe more will come one day.
Thank you so much for leaving a review.
Sam. Report Review
I like that you're taking on Lucius' POV for this. It's not often that someone really gets into Lucius' head and does it well. I really like the angle you've taken, where he's been brought low but hasn't yet been brought down enough to fully let go of his old self and his pride.
There was a couple times when you went present tense though this is primarily told in past tense. The spelling and grammar were otherwise fine. Characterization so far seems pretty solid.
I do wonder where you are going to take the rest of this story. Will we see Lucius transform?Author's Response: This was very new for me when I wrote this. This was how I saw him after everything and I kinda just went with it. :P
I will fix those. :)
Thank you. Report Review
This. Words cannot describe this. Reviews cannot describe this. You do an awesome job at writing emotions this was no different. The characterization of Lucius and his thoughts on pride seemed really spot on! Great job!Author's Response: Thank you so much! This review made my day! Report Review
Absolute awesomeness. I don't think I've seen a "Lucius in jail" story so well thought out and so Lucius-centric. The mix of regret and pride and thoughts of his family are just so well done. I am jealous! This is beyond 10/10.Author's Response: Thank you, your review made my day! Report Review
I really enjoyed this! The detail was wonderful, and Lucius' thoughts were so wonderfully written. His characterization was spot-on, and you did a wonderful showing how difficult it was for him to transition from a rich, powerful, and feared man to a mere prisoner. And the last line just sums everything up. So all in all, this was a wonderful one-shot.
~RosieAuthor's Response: Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
Sam. Report Review
I liked the detail on it. I could see the despair in Lucius' voince.
Overall good jobAuthor's Response: Thank you. :) Report Review
This is such a great idea and well presented here, I like the idea of Lucius's time in prison and have been toying with writing it for myself but you beat me to it! Pride is a lovely theme to have running through it and I throughily enjoyed reading this. The ending sticks with me, him ignoring the food but giving in, one thing i would say is that, though his resolve is soild, it is hard to fight the dementors, so maybe he could weaken a little more? I see him as a weak character to be honest, in his very core. he could slip a little and let them in, it's just an idea though haha. Great story! Author's Response: Thank you. I see Lucius as weak, but he tries to hide it, tries to be stubborn. He always gives in, though.
Thank you for the review. :) Report Review
Do you have one on Narcissias POV??Author's Response: No, sorry. But thank you for reviewing. :) Report Review
Well, I would just like it known that I am definitely that one! This was incredible. Very raw, very real, very depressing-yet-not. I especially loved this line: "My pride is creeping back, telling me not to lower my standards and eat it. But it will disappear soon and I will. I know I will." It just really expresses the fall from the throne that Lucius Malfoy once resided upon. He was once up there, so high that he probably couldn't see the ground clearly, and now he's so low that people keep stepping all over him. You wrote him really well, especially because you say this is the first time you have. I really enjoyed this--thank you!(:
-Katherine045 (Slytherin!)Author's Response: Yeah, it was my first time writing Lucius and my first time writing in first person. So, I'm really glad people thought it was good.
I'm really glad you liked this one, because it's actaully my favourite.
Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
Here is my review. One, because I like it :) And two, after that note in the authors note, how could I not? I don't want to be one of 10. I also know what its like to see that there have this many reads, but only this many reviews. And when the number of reads greatly exceeds the number of reviews, its not fun.
So about the story. I think you did great with first person. It's a great story, and I wish I would have participated in this challenge. Though on the other hand, I've signed up for a lot of challenges that never get finished, because I run out of time.Author's Response: Thank you :D!
I always sign up for too many challenges lol. Report Review
I loved the last line, it was truly a masterpiece and just summed up the whole story for me. I don't read many Lucius fics, so this was a whole new experience for me. This was immensly enjoyable for me. It was really interesting! I think you've pretty much captured Lucius's character. I think you've got into his head well, I can almost think of this as a missing piece somewhat. This is really good for your first time in 1st person!
In all, I loved it! Excellent one shot and I hope you do well in your challenge.
xAuthor's Response: The last line was my favourite, I agree; it just sums up the whole one-shot! Writing Lucius was a whole new experience for me too, so I'm glad I got him right!
Thank you for reading! Report Review
Hi! Thanks first of all for saying that thing about reviews at the end, so annoying considering i reveiw everything i read. Anyway, really glad I read this, I felt i understood malfoy. You really interacted well with the challenge, your last line (also in your summery) was like... wow. Well done!!!Author's Response: Hello! I was glad to post it; you can pass it along :)! I review everything I read too.
I'm glad you understood him. I loved the last line, it just summed up the entire one-shot in that one, small sentence.
Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
I really liked the ending of this oneshot! It just had such a strong message and it just kept the whole story together really well. It was an interesting idea to do this while he is in his cell. I also liked how you had him through out the chapter still a little prideful but at the same time realizing that that is what got him where he is and trying to get out on "good behavior." great job with the oneshot! i think he is a pretty hard character to write so good job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you! I thought the ending was perfect for summing up the one-shot. When I was thinking of how to write this, Lucius being in his cell just seemed to make most sense. I've never written Lucius before, so he was quite hard to write. I'm so glad I did such a good job, as I'm currently working on two stories in which he is the main character.
Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Hi hi! Here to review for my challenge. As I wrote in the thread, I'm going to leave my comments are your welcome to ignore them or use them for edits ;) I will be re-reading all the entries once the Challenge is over. I'm ready for some Malfoy Pride woot!
'And for that I cannot forgive myself, even if my family do.' -does
'I watched as two guards opened the cell and enter' -entered
Short and to the point, I like that lol. I think choosing Lucius was perfect for this piece! He is very pride and that last line (and your summary) really sums up the impact of Pride, which is the hardest sin to recognize. Because he could recognize it, I can definitely see the transition that he went through. I liked the details you get about Lucius from him keeping quiet and why he decides to do that -also that he couldn't bring himself to do what his family did and that he didn't get off easy for all the terrible things that he probably did as a Death Eater. I find this one-shot to be very believable and realistic in that aspect, which is great.
The only CC I have is maybe that bits where the Dementor does come around, you mention that he flickers into childhood memories, but you don't describe what those memories are...so I felt like I was missing out on those as a reader. Also, I thought all the Lestranges were dead lol. Maybe I need to check up on my canon, but I thought none of them made it through, even though that detail was nice -the infirmary part- because it gave us more of an insider's perspective on Azkaban. Which brings me to, Lucius has been there before so when I originally read this I couldn't tell which time he was in it for awhile, which confused me when I realized this was his second time because previous occurrences were never mentioned.
Overall, good job! Very pride-filled and I like your character selection. I think that was spot on and the writing was enjoyable as well. Thanks for entering my challenge & hope you had fun writing for it :)
nrbAuthor's Response: Hello! You know, I read through this three times before posting it and I still left errors lol.
As soon as I saw this challenge, my first thoughts were 'pride' and 'Lucius', it just made sense in my head :). I'm glad it was believable and realistic, this is my first challenge piece so I was a little worried.
I thought about adding the childhood memories but then I became worried that it would take away the point of the challenge, so I left hem out :(. Maybe after the challenge is over, I'll add more to it, make it a short story or two-shot? I had a feeling that all the Lestranges were dead, but I didn't have a computer with me to check the HP Lexicon. I can look and edit it if you want? This is after the war, so Lucius' second time in Azkaban, his first time in the infirmary was during his second time in Azkaban, not his first. Sorry for the confusion.
I had so much fun writing this and I'm so glad I entered your challenge. Thank you :) Report Review
feels good to be review #1 (unless someone beats me to it within the next few seconds lol)
love the one-shot! oh lucius and his prideful nature. just the idea of him not wanting the idea because it would just prove how low he's really been reduced to was a really nice touch! very believable i'd say.
btw, i loved the line "They were what caused me to shiver." after mentioning all the thigns that he could lose. it was a really good closer :)
all in all i give a thumbs up!
p.s. completley agree to your little author's note about reviewing. things would definitely be a lot better if people bothered to leave a review instead of just reading. :)Author's Response: Hello again :) it seems you're going through my stories lol, yay! And my first review, thank you!
As soon as I saw this challenge and saw 'pride' on this list, my first thought was immediately 'Lucius' it just fits!
I loved that line and the line on my summery page too.
Yay, a thumbs up, thank you :)
P.S. Yes, I agree with the note about reviewing too, that's why I agreed to post it. Pass it on :) Report Review
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