Hey there! Stopping by with your requested review! :)
Okay, first off, I love the fact that you've chosen to start this after the war. It's obviously a difficult time and most stories/authors don't want to try and deal with it because of that, so kudos to you for doing it ;)
You said about the switches between pov... first of all, I'd get rid of the 'Harry's pov' things and just use a line break. It really jars the flow and takes away from the story itself, you know? The first paragraphs after you switch povs always need to make it clear who you're talking about - you do that pretty much all the time at the moment, it's just something to remember :) I'd say the only other thing about pov is to consider how they view themselves, not how others view them. For example, Ron wouldn't necessarily consider himself emotionally stunted, Hermione wouldn't consider herself bossy, etc. Honestly, the povs are pretty good, and I kinda like the switches - it means we get to see more of what's going on, even if it can be a bit choppy at times - but it would help individualise the 'I', if you know what I mean.
Brit-pick wise, there was only one thing I could find, which was that a 'stroller' in America is a 'buggy' or a 'pushchair' here. Also, I'm a law student so I have to mention that if Cora and Sirius never got married, then she isn't his wife and forging a certificate is fraud. I don't know if it's a big part of the story, but if they never got married, then she's not his wife and isn't 'Mrs Cora Black'. It's just a factual thing, but it makes it a bit confusing if you say they're not married, but they are... either they are or they're not, you know? I'd just clear that up ;)
Your characterisation is great! I love how you're writing Ginny - with the whole 'must-be-strong' thing and hiding her emotions... and Ron is pretty great too, being a bit clueless and then occasionally serious and everything...
I liked the mention of the funeral service and the trio sorting out things that they needed to do after the war - like telling Luna about the Death Eaters going for her dad, and Harry and the others thinking about all those who had died, and Kreacher... the only thing I would say is that I'm not totally sure they'd put a graveyard in Hogwarts' grounds? O.o I just think a school isn't the best place for that - after all, it's populated by teenagers with access to ink and spells... I love the way you mentioned the differences between magical and muggle memorial services and funerals, etc. I'd never really considered that before, so it was a really nice touch.
I'd just suggest maybe going through it again (I know you've edited it!) perhaps with help of an online editing program (I use EditMinion, and it's great - and free... :D), to pick up on missing words/typos, etc. There are a few places where it doesn't flow smoothly, and it's easy enough to fix! It's just a little thing, though ;)
So yeah, I really enjoyed this! I think you're doing fine with the povs, the plot is great - and starts at a really interesting point in the HP world - the characterisation is lovely, and the flow is pretty good, too. There's no real weakness here... :)
Aph xx Report Review
You really do a beautiful job with the characters here; the story flows naturally as though the last chapter of Deathly Hallows really kept going. You clearly have a great understanding of the HP characters and write them very well, not to say that you don't write with a flair all your own. There were a bunch of lines and moments that stood out to me in particular. Probably my favorite is when Ginny is trying to remember the last time that Fred made her laugh. So heartbreaking, but something that rang so true. For anyone who has ever lost someone; when they;re gone, you do everything you can to try and hold onto memories before they slip away. It's horrible that memories fade, but they do. But the love never does. It was just a beautiful moment. Heartbreaking, but really and truly beautiful.
I've never been much of a Harry/Ginny shipper, just because Ginny sort of irritated me. I'm kind of in the "Ginny's a Mary Sue" camp, so I've always had trouble getting close to her as a character. But, since you took us inside Ginny's head, I feel like I get her a little bit more. You did a great job with her emotions and her split feelings for Harry. (Wanting to hug him and smack him at the same time.)
You did a great job with this chapter! I'm sticking this on my favorites so I can read more later!Author's Response: I'm sooo happy :D
I know what you mean about the Ginny Mary Sue.. I'm trying to break out of that mold and just concentrate on continuing the character I always saw her as. I'm glad you like her :D
Also, I'm glad to hear that I did her grieving justice. I've never lost anyone that close, so I was trying to give it my best shot. I have to admit by reading other stories it's really helped to grasp the emotions people can go through.
I did put a little of myself in Ginny with the split emotion, I know that's how I'd feel lol.
I'm really very incredibly happy with the review, and I hope to hear from you again soon :D Thanks for getting me that much closer to 100 reviews! Report Review
I love how you remember all the details from the book; there's so much going on throughout the Deathly Hallows and I'm glad you keep perhaps not the most immediately obvious things at the forefront of all of your character's minds rather than just making it about the romance of it all which it isn't. As far as credibility goes you have that down to a tee.
Your characterisation is, for lack of a better word, perfect! I have to admit that I'm ten times more in love with Ron/Hermione than Harry/Ginny which is why I enjoyed this chapter slightly more than the first one but your story on the whole is brilliant. And I'm so glad that this story is written from so many different points of view rather than just one; this method is extremely effective in providing the reader with an all-round clear picture of the aftermath of the battle.
That scene when Hermione woke Ron up with a kiss...I mean my heart just melted thinking about it. That is the single cutest thing that I've ever read!
I also like the way you've woven a touch of humour into the emotional context of it all; it makes for much more enjoyable reading considering the fact that I love anything that is even remotely humorous.
I also like the word 'prolly'; is this some kind of coinage for 'probably' because if so I'm thinking of stealing it for my own slang safe.
I look forward to seeing where this story will lead to.
THGAuthor's Response: OMM (Oh My Merlin lol) I (heart symbol) U
It's deleted my response if I try to do it manually the past 2 times... very annoying.
I'm sooo happy you love the Diff. POV's, most don't care for it, but I'm thrilled you do! I love those parts too, very cute. There's much more R/Hr later too, more than I thought, but it's working out that way. Go ahead and use Prolly :)
Again Thank you so much, tell me if you ever write anything :D
Welcome to the Forums!
-Owlpost68 Report Review
This was so lovely to read; I'm nearly crying myself just thinking about Fred's death now. I'm really happy that you've kept him in the front of Ginny's mind despite everything else that happened during the night of the battle. It seems realistic that he would be the first thing that she would think of (even before the love of her life). Your characterisation, in my opinion, is definitely spot on for both characters. It's clear that you've dedicated your time to doing an effective job of it so kudos for that.
I got really teary when Harry told Ginny about Fred's death and Percy's joke; that was such a creative and lovely way that he chose to console her.
I love the way you've portrayed their relationship. Three words: credible, sweet and creative. Good job.
I did notice a few typos here and there; they're all very minor but for the sake of being constructive I figured I might as well point them out to you.
"We we're looking at what she lost what we both lost.">>> After lost a full stop would work really well to emphasize the poetic effect.
"I just want my big brother to make me laugh like he has my whole life…">>>this should be 'like he has done my whole life'.
"I can’t always sit with my head on my mom’s shoulder." >>>Just pointing out the Americanism for the sake of characterisation
Other than that though this was a really good first chapter! Thanks for recommending it!
PS: I apologise in advance if the quotes have pasted strangely. Just pay attention to the errors that I've pointed out specifically in the annotations.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really appreciate both what you loved and the constructive criticism. I've always liked the idea of taking sweet memorable moments from the books and including them in my stories, that seems to be what people love, including myself! I'm so glad to have evoked some emotion from you, that's a goal any writer has :D I'm sorry it had to be sad this time, but it's realistic.
Thanks again for pointing out the errors! Report Review
ITS SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE! Now that's out of the way the baby Teddy was just so cute. It's also a nice touch that you decided to add in the fact that Ginny was also his Godmother, wasn't really expecting that and now they're together and all that it makes me really happy to see a ship flourishing like it is right now as you write it. I have now gotten used to your style and I love it very much, it was not a kind I had come across before, but now after reading three chapters of this really great story and enjoying them I am proud to say i have become a fan of your writing! :P
YOU KEEP SWITCH POV AND IT IS REALLY ANNOYING ME! I really don't like it when people suddenly decided to switch the whole POV on you when it could be perfect with only having one POV for the chapter. You can do it to have one character per chapter or something like that, but it really irks me when it changes in the middle of a chapter for no reason at all. You don't have to change it, but it was just something which annoys me.
Anyway, that's me done so thanks for the great review swap!
HuffleyPuff xxAuthor's Response: Okay, so maybe you haven't gotten used to the POV's. I really do try to make them flow from character to character, and have it make some sense. Would it be better to have it more subtle? Or maybe I could at least calm it down to one per chapter... I'll have to work with it. It has gotten a bit to the point where I'm almost annoyed with it, at least 2 per chapter is kinda a lot. I may start asking who readers liked better as a voice through the chapters.
Lol I'm glad you liked the fluffiness! I've always liked the idea of Ginny as Godmother too. I'd thought of it 'cause Tonks spent a lot of time at the Weasley's when she was having trouble with Lupin, and getting over Sirius' death. She might have gotten close to Ginny too.
OMM I have a fan :D Woot! lol. I'm happy you like my writing style, I just get worried people don't want to keep reading it because of it.. I do want to stick with it though.
Thanks for such great reviews. I hope to hear from you soon, and I will keep up with yours too, I'm curious :) Report Review
And another brilliant chapter of your first ever fic. You should be pretty proud of yourself for this, this is turnign out to be a really great story and for your first it would be something anyone should be proud of. Anyways I'm loving the fact that you can characterize people so perfectly in your writing, it's a skill I want for myself! GIMMY! *grabby hands*
Anyways I love the Ron/Hermione and Harry/Ginny ships you have going on, now that the war has ended and the castle is fixing itself it's good to see the young love flourish. And I love how Herminone instantly thought of Hogwarts: a History when she thought about the castle fixing itself. That is so her, but she should be too tired to even start to think about remembering things from books. That girl needs a nice long rest!
I thought this was another great chapter from you and I hope as I continue reading that they will just get better and better as I go on!
HuffleyPuffAuthor's Response: :D I love this review, it makes me so happy. Does this mean you don't mind the Multiple POV's? :O lol
I would share the skill if I could, but maybe reading it might help? shrug lol.
I don't know about resting for them yet.. it might still be a little while.
I hope to see you continue to read too! I'm so happy you like it :D This chapter was particularly difficult so I'm glad you liked it.
Thank you! Report Review
Review swap time!
For you're first fic you should be pretty proud of what you have here. It's rare not to find a soppy after the battle fic with Ginny and Harry without them falling into each others arms and everything being okay and nothing every happened, but how you did it was pretty impressive. Ginny had mixed emotions about Harry and about how she still loved him, but still wanted to rip his hair out for what he'd to her. I also think you characterized the characters you mentioned so far very well. I can imagine girls now fawning over Neville and him not even realizing what was going on, he's the character who would do that kind of thing however funny it is.
Your writing style is not something I'm that used too, but after awhile it certain does grow on you slightly and however hesitant I was about it at first had certainly worn of now and I am pretty happy with reading more of it as I continue deeper into the story.
One thing to do have to go around nitpicking about is the fact that you switched POV half way durning a chapter. I am not really a huge fan of people who do that in their stories, but that is really the only thing I am going to complain about as I did still enjoy reading the first chaper.
Nice length too,
HufflleyPuff xxAuthor's Response: Yeah, it's a mixed situation. I want to do something different with my writing style for example, writing in present tense, and with multiple POV's, but it's also something that's going to unfortunately alienate some readers...
I'm unsure about changing that, but since it's been over 6 months since my previous review before yours it might be something to consider.
I really appreciate you reading on and trying this. I do get very good reviews on the characters, so at least I'm doing that right.
Thank you so much for being honest and helpful. Report Review
Hey, it's Bex here for the review swap!
I liked Ginny's POV a lot and how sad she felt with the constant reminder of Fred. It seemed very surreal to think of Fred being gone and you portrayed Ginny's views very well.
I also liked her thoughts on Harry and how conflicted she was but maybe we'll see more of their relationship later on in the fic!
Overall there were a few missing commas here and there, as well as some spelling mistakes but it wasn't that bad. There were parts I felt seemed a little rushed like her meeting with Kreacher and how he was a little out of character. That's understandable though because I cannot write an elf in character for the life of me.
-BexAuthor's Response: Hi, sorry it took so long for me to respond..
We will see more of their relationship later on, don't worry about that :)
Yeah, I tried my best with Kreacher. I'm coming from the Kreacher who would be appreciating him helping Regulus, and now being supportive of him.
Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Hi! I'm here finally ^^ I never managed to get to my laptop yesterday and I hate reviewing with my phone, so sorry for the tiny delay.
But anyways, I think this was adorable. Your writing was beautiful and I could easily paint the picture in my head. Especially since it's your first fic! Excellent job.
I liked both Harry and Ginny, I think you did a good job with both of them. I could easily see characteristics that I could recognise in both of them.
I do have to admit though, I'm not the biggest fan of switching POV's, especially during a chapter. I wouldn't have minded that much if this one was from Ginny's POV and the next one was from Harry's, but when it's done in the middle of the chapter, it breaks the flow for me. But that's just a personal preference, nothing to do with your story (:
I did think it was maybe a bit too light, considering what had just happened and how much they had experienced during the past year. I did enjoy it, but I think their thoughts should've been a bit darker to make it more believable.
Few minor typos/missing commas here and there, but nothing big. I can't even remember where they were, so it wasn't a big deal.
Well done! I'll read the next chapters soon (:
~EleniaAuthor's Response: Thank you I'm glad you like it! Thank you for being honest about the POV's, it's just how the story started coming out, is there a way you'd think different POV's could be more subtle in the same chapters? Feel free to PM me if you have an idea, I'm glad the typos weren't big, 'cause I did just redo this and wondered how it went :) Thanks for the feedback! I can't wait for you to read the rest, I'm glad you liked it that much :D Report Review
I'm here for a review swap :)
I really liked this first chapter. It's difficult to find an after the battle story which isn't all angsty. Yours was perfectly fine. I liked the way this story flowed and the length! I love the length of it all. I'm now going off to read the other chapters because I really enjoyed reading this chapter. This is a great start to your story and I can't wait to read the rest of it. Nice job.
-VicAuthor's Response: awesome! I'm glad you liked it! This chapter was recently edited, I'll be getting to the other ones soon, so if you find the others not as well written, that's why. Yeah, I know what you mean, that's why I wanted to do this story, 'cause I don't like Angst all that much, I understand it's needed, but doesn't need to be driven into the ground. Yes, Fred :(
Thanks for the review! I hope to hear from you again :) Report Review
Hey Heather I'm here!
So, I just noticed that you have 'happiness' spelled wrong in your summary. Just so you know :)
Aw, so much love for Ron and Hermione! And they found her parents! *cheers* I still think they're so adorable together, Ron and his sleepiness and Hermione's frantic behavior. I hope everything goes okay when they pick up her parents!
Ron, put your pants on!
Oh my god WHY are you trying to make me cry!? I never cry! I really really loved how you incorporated that little movie memory to the first thing that her parents remember! I love how you write all of her actions, and Ron was adorable here! And her mum, I loved in the end how she was acting just like a parent; it was quite adorable!
No! What's going on!? I'm really skeptical, so I think I just kind of jinxed myself because I was kind of thinking 'oh wow, this is going really nicely' - and then this happens! I feel so bad for Hermione! I think Ron's patronus memory was pretty cute, though! I hope things get sorted out for them soon.
Oh my god I should have expected you to end things in a cliffhanger but I didn't expected it and I'm shocked! It makes sense, though! I mean, they think they are married with no kids so it would only be natural. I seriously cannot wait to see what happens next! I wonder how this will affect everything...
Keep up the lovely work! I can't wait to read more! *hugs*
-JulieAuthor's Response: Aww, I knew you'd like this one!! I was trying sooo hard not to blow it lol. I edited Happyness :P at first I thought you meant for this chapter, but then I saw it.
Yeah, I love how I'm really getting Ron and Hermione's relationship. I wasn't expecting to get it that well, but I am :)
lolol After I wrote that bit about Ron's pants, I knew you'd love it lolol :D
Well, it's reuniting, there has to be tears! It'd be abnormal if there weren't tears :P I loved the idea of bringing that back into this. plus I got to have an excuse to do the quintessential awkward Ron, I love it :) Plus, I know how cliche it is to have the dad look all stern, and be like I've always wanted to do that. In this case, it just seemed to fit so well, I couldn't help it :P Plus adorable momness, I loved that too.
Haha, yeah, I couldn't make it easy, it's a complicated process. I'm glad you liked his patronus memory, I wanted to do something I hadn't seen before.
Oh, when I had this idea, I immediately loved it, I can't wait to write more, I do have off tomorrow... I know I say that, and then I don't or something, but hopefully this time... lol.
Thank you for the great 90th review, I couldn't have asked for better!
-Heather Report Review
Ooh! A cliff-hanger! Sorry I haven't been around for a while. Real life and all.
First off, I love where you took Ron's character in the first section. He really is starting to grow up and realize that he has something special in Hermione, and that she's worth going out of his way for. Ha. He set the sprinklers off trying to cook for her! I love that image. His explanation to her just reinforced what I'm talking about. He's scared of losing her. Makes perfect sense.
And... she jumps him. Love the enthusiasm, but I'm not 100% sure that sounds like Hermione, at least in writing. It's a small thing, but I thought I'd point it out.
Ginny's frustration at not being able to use magic is a nice little touch that works really well with her character. Of course, her huge character moment comes later, but I thought it was worth pointing out.
Poor Harry! It's funny how he's so terrified of keeping Teddy by himself. In a lot of fics, he's written to be this completely natural dad where Teddy is concerned, which sort of glosses over the fact that he's only 18 and has no experience with children. I think your version is much more realistic.
Ginny does such a terrific thing for Cora and Molly, getting them away for a day. I felt some definite experience speaking in this section, so I'm guessing you have some memories to draw on here. Your descriptions of the hotel were very vivid, as well as the beach. The idea of Ginny and Molly frolicking in the waves fit so perfectly with their characters and the whole point of the excursion. When you mentioned Ginny hearing the twins' laughter in Molly's voice, it was very touching.
Ginny's explosion at Harry was a good moment for her, I thought. Not in the sense that she's worried sick and lashing out at Harry, but more in the way it shows how much she cares for him, in that intense, fiery Weasley sort of way. And something has gone amiss with the goblins? Now I really want to know what!
Overall, I thought your writing was very good in this chapter. I couldn't see any typos or grammar problems. Nicely done!Author's Response: I absolutely loved writing this chapter, so I'm oober happy you liked it so much :)
I'm lucky enough to have visited a beach in England so I had a vague idea how to describe it. Also since I found the actual place online that helped too.
I'm really glad you liked how I did their away for a day experience, it was hard to write at first, but then as writing does, it flowed through. I think it was important to bring up things that remind the characters of what they loved most about the people they lost, I'm glad I made that come through in my writing.
Yeah, I don't know why people sometimes automatically think Harry would be comfortable around kids. I also really tried hard with Ginny here, I think she has more to her personality than some authors give her credit for, I'm glad I'm hitting that point too :D
This was a chapter I really checked and rechecked the grammar for, your reviews have been so helpful with little pointers that stick with me while writing :)
Thank you sooo much! I can't wait for your next review :) Report Review
Hi there! Tagging you from the review thread.
This was a lovely read for a first chapter. After the battle stories can sometimes be too angsty, but you've managed to find the light in the darkness. It's always nice to see Harry and Ginny get back together.
The realist in me wants to complain about it being a bit too light, considering the timing was so close to the end of the battle, but that doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy it. The sandwiches and the levitation bit were very cute. Overall, a nice read!Author's Response: Thank you so much! Review 88 (it's my lucky number) Yay!
I know, what I try to get across is that I think they want to bury it for a minute, it's a big shock. But as the story goes you see it sink in bit by bit, there's definitely grieving going on.
I love the levitating :) it was fun to write, and the sandwiches were too lol, I guess I have a thing for sandwiches, my little J/L one shot has them too lol.
I'm glad you liked it, and understood a bit why I had some more light than dark to it. This is prolly the one chapter I edit most, and I'll probably do it again, but subtle, I like what I wrote :)
Thank you again! Report Review
Hey! Tagging you from the Review Tag.
I really enjoyed this. For your first fanfiction you really created an enjoyable story. I'm normally not a big fan of Ginny but you made her likeable here. She was caring, thoughtful instead of screaming and acting 'fiery' like everyone makes her off to be.
I think my only CC is that some of the sentences were a bit awkward when I read them and there were a few commas and words missing here and there. I would suggest getting a BETA because you really have something here it just needs to be polished a bit and it helps to have another set of eyes that aren't your own so they can pick up things you miss up on.
Other than that nice job! I'm glad you decided to start contributing to the archives. :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the great review! I'm glad you liked Ginny, some people say that it was OOC the way I did it, but they'll see her fiery-ness later :) I used to be very proud and didn't want to get a Beta for the reason of, well I want to do it myself... I've been growing a bit lately and have let that down a bit to accept some help. Staying in present tense is tricky and there aren't too many examples of it. So yeah I think I'll be getting help, and this way I can think more about putting the chapters out instead of juggling that and editing constantly.
I have been on the Archives 1 1/2 years, but I'm glad you got to read it :)
Thanks again for the review! Report Review
Well, I really liked this. I think you put a lot of good quality effort into it, and it shows! I honestly shouldn't be surprised you pulled off the multiple POVs, I know you're a wonderful author. I think you just made a monster who will stalk your story (x
EverAuthor's Response: :D squeee! yay, a new story stalker :D I need more of those lol. I know you'll like this story based on what you liked in the one(s?) you've read lol. All your reviews are so sweet and squee worthy, feel free to leave as many as you like lol.
Thanks so much!
Owlpost68 Report Review
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.
Sorry it's been a while since I've dropped in on your story. Life's been busy, but here I am again!
The scene at the Burrow was very warm and pleasant. Ginny's reaction to Harry's news about the goblins seemed about right. It is interesting that people seem to be finding their faith in the Ministry again. Kingsley has that effect on people, it seems.
I love the idea of Sirius James and Arthur trying to use the VCR together. The humor potential there is off the charts.
Poor Molly. One thing I wasn't sure about is exactly what triggered her reaction. But once it happened, Ginny was right. She needs to get out a bit and take her mind off of things.
Ginny's lunch with George felt spot-on in terms of characterization. George is still trying to dig himself out of his moping and Ginny is brooking very little of that. And look, it's Sybill, drunk on sherry! What a surprise! ;) She's great comic relief.
I did notice a couple of things that you might want to take another look at:
-- "The goblins that are from other Gringotts’ are trying to charge Ron, Hermione and I with murder of all the goblins that were killed at the one we escaped from." - This sentence is really awkward. You might want to revisit it.
-- "... and tare open the letter." - tear
So you left me with a cliffhanger! Can't wait to see what happens next!Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks for being review 85 :D I was waiting for it, lol. I checked to see what had triggered her reaction, it was supposed to be Sirius James' big smile at Cora trying to be stern with him being a little trouble maker sneaking the VCR on when he wasn't supposed to. I can see where that could be a bit more clear though.
I'm so glad you like Ginny and George's lunch together :) I've been having fun going through her relationships with each of her brothers.
Yes, definite cliffy, I'll be on review tag soon :)
Again thanks for review 85!! :D Report Review
A new twist? Ooh interesting..
Aw, hooray for the Ron point of view! He was very sweet here, I loved all of his concern for Hermione. And how he can just make her melt even if he expects her to continue shouting at him. He's just so sweet and considerate! Even after the news about the goblins how it almost seemed like Hermione was hinting towards something more in their relationship, Ron just is this awesome awesome gentleman and doesn't take advantage of her vulnerability. I love him here!
I also thought the Harry and Ginny nightmare talk was sweet. I just love how happy and fluffy everyone is with their concerns for eachother and helping eachother improve after the war.
The fight was really emotional, but I think you wrote Ginny's yelling and Harry's wanting her to yell really well. I loved this chapter, and I love the new idea with the goblins and the couple time. I can’t wait for the next chapter!
I want to be the first review so I'm crossing my fingers :DAuthor's Response: oh don't worry you are the 1st reviewer :D I was so unsure of the way I wrote Harry and Ginny's "fight" but honestly, there wasn't a second alternitive I had in mind, probably because it was an original thought I had, I didn't want to do it another way. I'm sooo happy you like the twist, and there are more to come :D lol now that you say it I'm realizing how many there are going to be I'm so happy to be managing to do this part of their lives so originally, it's hard to do with so many of them out there. This is why I wrote Ginny the way I did in the beginning, because I felt like she'd bury her feelings until someone pushed her hard enough. I think I'll prolly go back and emphasize her character that she's burying her feelings though or readers might not think she's reacting at all until this chapter... hmm.
Thank you soo much! Oh, and the story's hit 5000 + reads!!! :D Thanks again,
Owlpost68 Report Review
Hey! You're being tagged for the review swap! :)
I thought this was a very cute moment here between Harry and Ginny, and the fact that you've managed to get so far with your first fan fiction is impressive in any case. I can't even tell you the number of stories I've started (dozens upon dozens) before actually finding one to stick with, so that's really admirable.
Your writing style is very unique -- the description of the actions, especially. I've never read something quite like it (coming to mind as I'm typing this is that 'kiss' scene near the end of this chapter.) I do suggest getting a beta, if you haven't already had one -- and I really mean that with the best of intentions. I wasn't lying when I said how admirable of a first shot at fic this is, and it's definitely got potential. A beta can smooth away those rough edges and make everything look pretty and polished, and really, they're invaluable. I make all sorts of silly mistakes in my writing that other people catch. :3
I see that someone else mentioned this too, so I won't elaborate on it much, but perhaps reading a bit of canon Harry might be good to make some alterations to his character? I really like what you've done with Ginny's here -- I'm not the world's biggest fan of her, and you've made her likable, which I've enjoyed. Harry's just a more private individual and I would've loved to have seen that come out more here. :)
Thanks for the read, and keep working at this! ♥ You've got promise!Author's Response: Thank you so much!
I'm very sure Beta's are helpful, and I may ask for help on certain chapters, but the fact I've gone this far without one means that I'm not doing to badly :) I'm going back soon and re-editing, lol I can't tell you how many times I've done that to this chapter, but I definitely see the point people are making about Harry, and I'll keep that in mind for later chapters too. I'm so glad you liked what I've done with Ginny. She tends to not be characterized correctly in the view of a lot of readers, including me, so I'm trying to do her justice. I can't tell you how happy I am to get a review from you, I'm very sure I've read your stories and I know how much you do on the forums, so thank you for this and for all you're doing! I will certainly keep this up, I have a great idea for it :) Report Review
Hello! I got you in the review swap! I thought this one-shot was really very cute and sweet and just some nice H/G fluff. However there are some things I will point out.
A battle had just happened, dead bodies were still all over the castle and everyone has lost at least one relative or friend, I highly doubt any girls were concerned with flirting with Neville. I'm sure later, maybe after the PTSD they would be. But when JKR said admirers I think she meant that they wanted to hear more about how he killed the snake that in turn killed part of the man they so feared. Do you know where I'm going with this?Author's Response: well um, actually this is the first chapter of a novel lol. I'm glad you liked the H/G fluffyness :) I do know what you're talking about, I'll be doing some general editing to the story soon so that will probably be part of it.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
I am always interested in how authors choose to portray the time period immediately following the Battle of Hogwarts. There are just so many emotions and conflicting feelings and gahhh. So many things. I think you have a decent sense of this, but perhaps Ginny comes around to understand how she's feeling a bit too quickly? That aside, you did a good job of describing the scene in the castle. I've never really been a fan of fics that jump from POV to POV and label the narrator, but for a first fan fic and for this story being written in that style, I think you did a marvelous job. I'm just such a canon junkie and so I enjoyed this!Author's Response: . boo, the response didn't go through the first time :P
I'll prolly be editing this chapter again, Ginny needs to be slightly more emotional about things, but it's not for lack of understanding the situation, I think. I just always try and avoid the characters over reacting because then it seems OOC. I'm really glad you liked the scene, and the POV's. It's hard to keep a balance with emotions and characterizations, so I'm very happy you think I did it justice :D I'm such a canon junkie too, so I thought I really needed to do my own version of what happens. Thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.
So I have to say that I've only seen a few people try to write about how Hermione got her parents back from Australia. I have a plot bunny about it that's on my short list of projects to attempt after I finish CoB. I thought this was one of the nicest starts to the idea that I've read.
Ron seemed so genuine and happy and goofy... perfectly in character. He is so smitten. His love for her is reshaping him in so many good ways, yet the essence of who he is -- and why she loves him -- is perfectly preserved. Bravo!
For her part, Hermione is understandably agitated by the slow progress, yet he's helping her to find some peace and let the Australians do what they have to. Again, I think it shows an appropriate amount of character growth. You're pacing them very well.
I did notice three things that seem like you might want to look at them again:
-- "Sorry ‘bout that, Thomson and I are Animagus" - I think the plural is "Animagi", but I could be wrong.
-- "so bare with me here." - bear
-- "Harry’s looking smoothing over things with Gringotts" - I think this should say, "Harry's smoothing things over with Gringotts"
Overall, a very nice chapter! I will be looking toward this for insight and inspiration when I get to my own version of Ron and Hermione's adventure in Aussie-land.Author's Response: Hehehe :D Thank you so much for leaving my 80th review!!
Kay, now that that's out lol, I love how you notice all the things that I've been trying to get across to my readers, you've given me hope that my writing is doing it's purpose :D Also thank you for being so thourough in catching the slip ups I do have. Once chapter 10 comes out I'll start working on editing. It seems like a nice point to do it at. If you like how thier time in Aussie starts, I hope you like what I have in store for them :D I'm so flattered that I'll be helping you with this area. I think it's an important part to get right in stories after the war.
Again, I can't tell you how grateful I am for your reviews. I'll see if there's anything in behind the curtain I can review for you :D
Hi, WeasleyTwins here to review as requested!
For your first fanfiction, I believe you are doing good. Many first fanfictions are all dialogue and no description. But here, you've really put in descriptions and tried to set up the scene for your readers, so well done!
So, I'll just jump right into things and discuss the interest of the chapter. Honestly, I think that people are starting your story and then not continuing because of the grammatical mistakes and typos - spelling errors, tense confusion, and other such things. We're all not grammar geniuses, nor do we catch every mistake. I think that if you went over to the forums and requested a beta, your beta could help you smooth out these kinds of errors. I believe if you fix these types of grammatical issues, your chapter would be much easier to read and readers would be more likely to continue. I know that many readers on this site look for proper grammar because it makes for a smoother read and also so that they can focus on the plot and characterizations and overall feel of the story.
As for believability, I think what you've got is very plausible. But I would remind you to keep the characterizations and descriptions consistent. For example, at the very beginning when you describe Ginny's reactions to the tragedy, it seems a bit mixed. At one point Ginny says she doesn't want to be upset and at another she's very choked up. Of course, Ginny would be very distraught at the death of her brother. However, what I'm trying to say is that in your descriptions and dialogues, remember to convey this idea that she wants to be strong, but really can't be - you don't want to present a contradiction to readers.
Also, if you are planning on sticking to canon, remember to be careful with characterizations. I like how you've written Ginny because you've made her character your own, it's Harry that I'm a bit concerned about. It's only because I read the series and know Harry inside and out, but I do have a suggestion. Harry really isn't one to tell someone his emotions in depth. He will tell them, but not in an extensive manner. So, during the section with his POV, I think that some of the dialogues are a bit loaded. The descriptions of his emotions are fine. It just seemed to me that Harry wouldn't be that verbal with his love. I definitely think he would say "I love you" but maybe not in so many words.
I really liked your ending - I thought it was creative. Overall, for your first fanfiction, I think you're off to a decent start. I hope I wasn't too harsh. Please feel free to re-request anytime!
ShelbyAuthor's Response: Thank you very much. The first chapter I've re-edited over and over by now, but it still seems like I need to go over it. I can see how I would been a little inconsistant with Ginny's character, and then descriptions. It's tricky though, because I do want to get across that she's trying to be strong, but can't be all the time. So I'll have to go over it again to make sure that's happening like I imagine it.
Harry has been trickier than I thought, and yeah I can see some of the dialogues I put in are loaded, not just with Harry either. I've tried to stay away from it, but as a somewhat new writer, it is a hard habit to get out of.
No you were definitely un-harsh, just realistic, and that is super helpful when writers want to improve and not just write whatever comes to mind. Which I've definitely done my fair share of :P
Thank you for the tips! Report Review
Tagging you from the Review Tag thread.
Ron's section was clever and fun and heart-warming. It had that essential happy, goofy, slightly confused feel to it that is quintessentially Ron. I think you nailed his character perfectly. I did find it a tad hard to believe that he wouldn't have known what an "air plane" was, but I understand the spirit of the comment.
"Literally, Neville and his Grandmother are here," - Gold, Jerry, gold!
Moving on to Hermione's section, I absolutely loved the moment between Arthur and Molly that she overhears. Fred was such a huge loss for the two of them, but they handle it with such bravery and love for one another. A great example for any young couple. And then you highlight the way that Ron and Hermione have taken to Sirius James and vise-versa. They're already starting to seem like they have the basics of being good parents. Or at least a good aunt and uncle.
I don't think we've heard from Lee so far, and it was pleasant and novel. Nobody is likely hurting as bad as George from Fred's death, but Lee must have felt it a lot, being as close to them as he was. He's a very good friend, trying his hardest to cheer up the one guy who reminds him more than anyone else in the world of the friend that he lost.
I really, really love the way that the PoV shifts are working for you in this chapter. The transition from George cracking a smirk to Bill seeing it and feeling good for his brother was sublimely done.
You did a terrific job, I think, of capturing the responsibility that Bill feels for all of his younger siblings. He carries so much weight on his own shoulders, even though nobody has asked him to. And Fleur is right there to support him and make sure that he takes some time for himself. You did a great job of writing what makes them such a happy, loving couple.
You lay out some really interesting aspects of the relationships that the characters are building with Sirius James and the roles they might play in his future in Hermione's last PoV section. It did bring Teddy to mind, and made me wonder how he's going to fit into the picture. Harry has two godsons now...
And then Kingsley comes along and bang, out of the chapter we go. I thought your writing was fantastic in this one. Nothing distracting, nothing repetitive or singsongy. Nice mix of dialog, inner monologue and narrative. Well done!Author's Response: you know what would be really cool? having a hidden camera that captures the huge smiles your reviews give me :D I mean, I started giggling in happiness and everything lol. Thank you for being so detailed in your reviews, it covers just everything that I get worried about, and makes me sooo happy. These are the kind of reviews that gets me motivated to work harder to the next step in the story. I've recently been reminding myself that after their recovery there's going to have to be a Real plot line for the rest of it. I've gotten the idea for it, and I'll run with it. I'm just glad my idea of having different POV's are working for everyone, I get nervous about the story not moving forward enough. A lot happens though in these next months for everyone, and needs to be addressed I feel. Thank you sooo much for the lovely review :) Report Review
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.
In the midst of everything that's going on with Cora and young Sirius James, I liked the fact that you took a break to explore what's going on with some of the other characters. You even managed to segue into it smoothly, which is a definite plus.
Poor George. It's tough to even imagine the extent of his suffering. I thought you captured his thoughts and his need for solitude quite well. I also liked the way you set up his moment with Luna. She didn't come barging in, trying to get him to open up and spill all of his sorrows. Instead, she just offered to share a moment of pain and grieving with him. I thought that was very nicely done.
Following Luna afterwards, I enjoyed your take on her inner monologue as she makes her way to St. Mungo's. You did a good job of capturing the person behind the caricature and expressing her very real, human feelings of hurt and grief. It's very easy to think of Luna as a person who doesn't suffer, because she is so strange and mercurial.
And her scene with Neville was the high point of the chapter. I loved the effortless sort of way that the two of them were able to comfort one another as they both dealt with the toll that the war took on their families. There was nothing artificial or high-minded about it. It all felt completely genuine and heart-wrenching, but uplifting at the same time.
As far as constructive criticism, I probably won't have any surprises for you. You really need to get your spelling, grammar and typos under control. You have a really intriguing premise and you have a real talent for making an emotional connection with your characters, but it's so jarring as a reader to try to get past these little problems. Sometimes I'm reading along and really getting into the moment and BANG, a typo knocks me right out of the moment. It's a shame, really, because I want to just lose myself in this story.
So definitely keep writing, but I think you could really benefit from slowing down just a bit and spending more time proof-reading. If you can do that, the story is really quite lovely.Author's Response: aww I'm sorry my typos knock you out of the moment!! that's terrible! I'll go back over it and see what I can find. It's amazing that writers can miss so much when they think they've got everything :P
I'm very happy you thought Luna and George and Neville's moments real. Honestly I have no idea where these thoughts came from, but sometimes writing is like that and you chanel something and you have an amazing chapter. I'm very happy I can do Luna's character well, she's very unique and I'm honored to hear how much readers love her. I may end up doing a story based on her :)
Thank you for the wonderful feedback, very helpful to know I still have quite a bit to fine tune, I don't like the idea that you readers get interrupted by something as small as a typo :P
Thanks so much! Report Review
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room!
OK, it's all coming back to me now. I must have reviewed your first three chapters a long time ago, because I just had to go back and re-read them. It's kind of neat, rediscovering something like this.
The funeral evoked a lot of mixed emotions. It was sad, especially sad to see Ron and Mrs. Weasley so upset. But the fireworks that Fred's on teammates set off for him were a great touch. Very inspired.
The notion of Sirius Black procreating is fascinating and a bit scary. This kid is gonna have some crazy genes. I felt really bad for Cora. Here she is, coming back to England to reunite with her husband and father of her child and boom, he's gone. It made perfect sense that she lost it and had to go to the hospital wing.
And I really liked Ron and Hermione stepping up and taking care of little Sirius James. You brought out some great qualities in both of them.
OK, things I wasn't so wild about. It seemed pretty odd that Professor McGonagall would pick the Gryffindor common room as the place for Ron and Hermione to take the kid. It's pretty far from the headmaster's office and up a lot of stairs. I think it would have made more sense to pick some place nearer. Cora's trip to the hospital wing was also just a bit too convenient. The "calming draught" that instantly enabled her to get over her grief seemed rather deus ex machina.
Overall, you have an interesting idea here. I think you need to tighten up your execution a bit and you'll really have something.Author's Response: Thanks so much!
Yeah you've reviewed before :D
I guess I see what you mean about the common room, and the hospital wing, but I just thought of the magic that is in JK's world, I think they'd use the calming draught, but she didn't calm down all the way, she was just able to not be crying so hysterically. I personally loved how she wanted to spit out the potion, and Madam Pomfrey's reaction :)
The Common Room, I honestly didn't know where else to have them go, they needed to introduce everybody, but in a place that wasn't so public. It would have been fun to maybe go to the kitchens, but how would Cora and the others find them? The Great Hall's too busy, and everyone was grieving outside, not exactly a lot of places to go to that made sense to me.
lol he is gonna have crazy genes, and just think of all the people he'll now be around too!! lol
I really loved the fireworks idea, it's also some of what inspired my other story :)
Thanks so much for this review, and on this chapter! It's my favorite, I'm so glad you liked it :D yes the execution is a bit hard, but I'm slowly getting it, I'm proud of what I have :) Report Review
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