Reading Reviews for Snow White
  
27 Reviews Found

Review #1, by heyImcrazy37 My Insanity's End.

21st August 2012:
this was really good and I loved it. I found it really depressing and at some points kinda scary. but I love how you worded it and you have almost 99% perfect grammar :))

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Review #2, by Heather G. My Insanity's End.

25th September 2011:
I love this! Keep it going!

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Review #3, by leannemariesnape My Insanity's End.

4th September 2011:
I love this story. It is very dark, and sucks you into the story, which is great! I loved your character of Hesper also and I'd love to read more about her. Well done! This story is definately going in favourites! :D
Leanne

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Review #4, by Singerinwhite My Insanity's End.

20th August 2011:
Haha, Hesper wasn't the only one that was hoping for a show from the Potter boys. XD Oh well. I was hoping to see a full blown verbal fight and the rest of the family going O.O 'OMGGG' XD The way you wrote James and Albus, I was picturing both of them with absolutely FRIGHTENING tempers, but James was the one that lost his temper much, much quicker than Albus. I dunno XD I always saw James as one of those charming, happy-go-lucky charismatic guys that unapologetically wore his heart on his sleeve. He was a total gentleman (because we know Ginny would have raised him to be one XD), but he had a bad habit of being about as thick as Ron from time to time, Albus has always been a bit of an enigma to me. I always saw him going so many different routes as far as his personality went.

Hesper commenting on James being her puppet, and I was picturing something like Hesper actually falling in love with Albus, since she called him her "dark prince" and everything like that, and then she would take advantage of poor James wearing his heart on his sleeve and everything like that (you did paint a James that looked like he did do just that).


I like your Albus. And your James. This was great. Dark stories like these are my guilty pleasure.

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Review #5, by Sharryhanker My Insanity's End.

20th August 2011:
Well I for one would love a sequel. Maybe with a happy ending? Maybe James getting her? Who knows... xx

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Review #6, by rich_blonde marauder23 My Insanity's End.

20th August 2011:
Hey!

I really liked the concept of this story, the revenge and everything, it was great! It was a pretty dark story, and I enjoyed reading it :D

Haha, not to sound arrogant or anything, but I can see that you used some lines from the one-shot I did which you read :3 I'm really glad you liked it so much that you used some of my sentences in your story. Never had that before! Haha :)

xxx sofia :)

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Review #7, by Singerinwhite My True Love

20th August 2011:
*pokes gently* I've been following your story since day 1. Any chance you know when the last chapter will come up?

Author's Response: The last chapter has already been posted. Thank you for reading this story!

-Vi.


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Review #8, by Loaclne My True Love

12th August 2011:
Continue hopefully?
10/10

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Review #9, by HarryPotterGeek014 My True Love

18th April 2011:
Please update soon! Hahaha, shes so evil. I love it!

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Review #10, by Nightshade My True Love

4th April 2011:
That was the end? I must say I'm disapointed, I was hoping to see her destroy the Potter family.
I would hope that there would be sequel, this end I did not like at all. I hoped for something great like death and killing and her getting thrown into a mad house.
Otherwise it was good writen.

Author's Response: It's not te end :) There will be one more chapter.

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Review #11, by gingersnape My Dark Prince

12th March 2011:
Hello again, gingersnape here with your reviews for Chapter 2 of Snow White as requested! :)

So, before I begin, I should say that you are doing a fairly good job of showing that Hesper is crazy. It's not a raving lunatic sort of mad, but I can tell that she's not thinking normally and you are doing a great job of keeping her not all there yet somehow relatable and likable. That combination can be difficult to achieve (I read many a story with characters like Hesper and I can safely say she is very well balanced between creepy revenge driven ness and relatable MCness.) but I think Hesper's characterizations is one of my favorite parts of the story.

The rain is really interesting because it does represent Hesper on many levels and even though water is usually (here we go again with the symbols that English teachers beat into me) represents being cleared of something or settling a matter, but it is also really destructive, and going back to Hesper's characterization, comparing her to the rain is really fitting for her.

As for Hesper loosing her cool (I'm not doing a good job of going in order, but it seems to make sense to have the review go like this. I'm not sure why, but it fit better than when I wrote it earlier going in order.), I thought that was another great thing to have in there because it put Hesper in a position that was, for lack of a better word, human. No one can really be in charge of emotions like she was hoping she was, and I felt like someone like Hesper would really have had the reaction that she had to her plans not going as she had planned that they would go.

Again with Al, it felt like he had fallen for Hesper a little too quickly and that she seemed too beautiful. Considering how she was described, I could sense that her beauty might be realistic, but then combined with her immense drive to succeed, I also felt as though she must have used some sort of love potion or the likes to make herself more beautiful. I don't think that her beauty is necessarily a bad thing, but it did make me think of it as possibly not being natural.

Spelling and Grammar: There were a few typos in there, but other than one wee mistake here or there, they were not terribly noticeable or really major.

Pacing and Flow: It was very fast paced, but in the hanging-on-the-edge-of-your-seat fast paced rather than a skip-over-important-details fast paced, so that was really a treat for me to read.

Overall, I'm still very much enjoying rereading this as much as I did when I was working on your review a few days ago. Very lovely story that has gotten me to think a lot about revenge.

Have a great day, and Chapter 3's review will be up soon! :D
-ginger

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Review #12, by gingersnape My Little Soldier.

27th February 2011:
Hello, gingersnape here at long last with your reviews as requested! :D

My, my, my! Let me tell you some of my favorite things to read: Slytherins. I may be a Gryffie, but Snakes are by far the most interesting and captivating characters to read about! Revenge. It makes people do funny things, and the stories that come from revenge are always good! Stories that turn the tables and good is bad and bad is good. It makes you think, and that's really what I'm after when I read a story. I want ti to show me a new way to think about a character or a situation, and nothing does that better than those strange times when a story isn't how I've always known it to be. Now that we've gone over that, can you see why I like this? :D

Alright, let's dive into this, shall we? First I'll just give you my comments on things in the story as I see them, and then I will do a section on spelling and grammar, a section on pacing and flow, and I'll end with my overall opinion! I'll go ahead and warn you that I have issues with rambling and cannot for the life of me talk in non run-on sentences. Even when I break them up, the poor sentences are daunting! Let's get to it, shall we?

I liked how you started and ended with the fairy tale of Snow White because it showed that Hesper (great name by the way!) had always felt like she was on the other side of things and it also made me feel sympathy towards the dark side of it all. By having her be able to relate to the other side, I felt like I could too because it's something I know from reading Harry Potter and Snow White.

I also found that Hesper being a reporter was interesting because something in me made the connection to Rita Skeeter. I don't know if that was there on purpose, but I did like thinking that there was a sort of similarity between them.

One thing I wasn't sure about was how fast James appeared to have fallen for Hesper. I can imagine from how you have your James written that James would be the superficial type who could easily like a woman like he likes Hesper simply because she is beautiful. However, Hesper did seem to have him just turned into an absolute fool for her rather quickly. I don't think it's a problem, especially since it is a short story and does move fairly fast, but I would say that it came across as moving quite quickly.

Spelling and grammar: I really didn't notice very many problems at all! I do have to say that your writing was quite captivating, with how you used the sentence lengths and references to Snow White over and over again to show just what her situation was like because there was something about how you wrote the actual words and had your paragraphs and everything that just made me fall into the story and be rendered speechless by the end of the chapter because of all of the emotions conveyed in everything! (I told you I have a sentence length problem!)

Pacing and Flow: The pacing seemed just right for a short story. Coming from someone who's used to novels and the likes, it started out a bit fast for me, but then when I got used to how the story was told and reread it, I felt a lot more comfortable with the pacing and flow of the story.

Overall, you've got me quite interested in this and I can't wait to read on with it! Between everything that you have going on in it, from the revenge to Hesper's back story to Estera (another great name!) has got me very intrigued and it was a wonderful first chapter!
-ginger

Author's Response: Yay. Thanks. When I wrote this chapter I thought the story will be only 3 chapters long. It had to be fast. Now when I read this chapter I find it hard to believe that James fell in love with Hesper so fast. It annoyes me, but still I really love the Jmaes character. I'm glad you liked it. Ahh and YAY someone finally likes these names! Thank you for the lovely review.

-Vi.


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Review #13, by Sharryhanker My New Animal

7th February 2011:
Loving it all so far, really looking forward to seeing how it will turn out. I suppose it's too much to hope for a happy ending. :(

Author's Response: I wanted this story to be different...So this can turn out to be very surprising~

-Vi.


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Review #14, by The Notoriu My New Animal

7th February 2011:
this is really good. its so different to any story i've ever read. and trust me- i've read a lot of stories. please keep writing because i cant wait for your next chapter.

Author's Response: OMG. You just made my day~ Thanks~

-Vi


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Review #15, by kaileena_sands My Dark Prince

25th January 2011:
I loved this! It's strangely beautiful and haunting and your writing is amazing. :) Also, the whole idea for the story is very original. I cannot wait to see how this goes!

10/10

Author's Response: Thanks!

-Vi.


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Review #16, by hermione.madeleine My Dark Prince

24th January 2011:
a very dark story, perfectly portraying the attitude of a broken child who has lost herself due to a lack of parenthood. the connection to Harry Potter is tangential but the development of very minor characters is fantastic. great job and this would be really good illustrated or as a poem.

Author's Response: I love writing dark stuff. It's atually relaxing :). Thank you for the review!

-Vi.


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Review #17, by inspiredl My Dark Prince

23rd January 2011:
Heyy again (this will be my last review for now since there are no more chapters *sniffs* but feel free to re-request once you get a new one up!)

Ok, I will quickly address a little thing that is irritating me before I begin, she says she's 19 years old, but in the last chapter you said she was 7 when he parents where put into Azkaban at the end of the wizard war. This would make James a maximum of 12 years old, and Albus less. I think you just need to sort out a way of making the time frame make sense...

Anyway, onto the story... which is FABULOUS! There are a few weird mistakes here and there but over all I really love your writing style and the abstract way in which this story is told. If I were you I would definitely ask for a beta though! :)

The plot is really intriguing and individual! I can't wait to read how it is going to end! Is she going to fall in love with one of them? Is she going to tear them apart like she plans??

I really like your Hesper character, even though she is clearly quite crazy and pretty evil. She is written really well and it seems like she has a lot of depth (though she could have even more I think if you add in more bits about things like her childhood maybe). Her character comes across really well in the narration and you use some really good language. I especially love the constant referral's to Snow White.

I do feel like some of the other characters lack this depth however and maybe they could be expanded on a little (for example Estrella is an intriguing character that way more could be written about!) Though I do understand that it is hard to expand other when you are writing in first person.

I really love this story so far and am going to add it to my favourites! Please do feel free to re-request reviews once the next chapter is up!

Hope my reviews have been helpful!
Lily ^_^

Author's Response: Again, the same thing. Hesper's parents were wannabe Death Eaters. In think I shoul make that clear in other chapters.It's quite hard for me, I planned this story to have only 3 chapters...Now it's going to have 5. Well, I'm glad you like it!

-Vi.


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Review #18, by inspiredl My Little Soldier.

23rd January 2011:
Heyy, InspiredL here from the forums! Sorry it took me so long to get round to this (I won't bore you with all my boring excuses.) I will try to write you a long review as compensation... :)

Ok, first off, I really LOVE the idea for this story! I mean, it makes perfect sense that someone would want revenge on Harry Potter since he put so many in prison and stuff!

My only CC of the plot is that I was a bit confused about your character, Hesper. If she is a Lestrange, why wouldn't she mention the loss of any of her brother's as well as her parents? I think maybe you should just use the last name of a random death eater we don't know much about, but it's up to you obviously. Also, if she was seven at the end of the war then she would be significantly older then James/Albus. My only suggestion on improving this is that maybe her mother could give birth to her whilst in Azkaban (she would have had to be pregnant when she went in obviously) then maybe the ages would be a bit closer...

The plot seems a bit rushed and I'd love to read a longer version of it but I get that you might not want to enter into writing a Novel/la if you don't have time and it still works like this.

The characterisation of Hesper is really good and after just one chapter I really feel like I know her and feel for her. It's good that you're writing a story from the point of view of the descendant of a death eater, because so many people just write next gen fics as being all happy and perfect now that Voldemort is gone, when in reality there would still be a lot of evil witches/wizards around out to get Harry.

There were a few spelling/grammar mistakes but it's a lot better then other stories I've read that are written by people who speak English as their first language so well done! (Maybe you could get a beta though, as that would help to improve the flow of the story greatly!)

This is a really great first chapter and it has pulled me in completely. I really love the idea and the characters and you're writing style is really easy and enjoyable to read!

On to the next chapter!
Lily ^_^

Author's Response: Thank you! The idea about Hesper's parents is that her father was probably son of Rabastan or Rudolphus Lestrange. Hesper was born after the second war. And I already found my beta (YAY!) Again, thank you for reviewing!

-Vi.


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Review #19, by Singerinwhite My Dark Prince

19th January 2011:
So, something's just occurred to me that I want to alert you to, since you most definitely have a fan in me with this story and I'd love to give out my help in any way I can. =)

It seems that you've got both Albus and James embedded with Harry's idealistic outlook on love, and have quite possibly made them different types of romantics, which I think is all kinds of awesome and very cute.

But here's something to watch out for: Both boys are going to be using her first name when talking about her, right? I mean, there's going to be a point when one of their very observant relatives will go, "Yes, yes, your girlfriend. What's her name? Is it really, 'girlfriend?' Because if it is, I feel pretty sorry for her." (because you know the Wotter clan would lace their concern with humor, they're the kings and queens of doing that. XDD).

I'd say she's going to have to give out two different names to the boys. Given the settings you have them meet her in for the first time, I'd say she'll be able to get away with giving a different name to James MUCH better than to Albus. Albus met her in her office - her name would be on the door, or on the desk, or he'd have to give a name of whom he was looking for. And fake names wouldn't work in the office setting. As far as names? She can go really simple, and tell James that her name is Callidora, since you've stated that she's doing all of this for her parents.

I will, of course, leave it all to you, but I really do think name-dropping is going to have to be addressed. Since James said that Albus talks nonstop about Hesper, just like James talks nonstop about her, their family will be demanding a name for each girl, or they are going to get a bit suspicious.

Good luck on the next chapter, and I will be anxiously waiting for an update. =) I would love to see this story move forward, you've got something very original here. Not many people go as dark as you're going with love on this website.

Author's Response: I really never thought about a fake name. Hesper instructed them not talk about her and of course Albus broke that promise. Still James doesn't talk about her. So It should be all good if Albus won't start talking about her. But now that i realized I'm in a quite sticky situation...Well I'll think of something. Thank you know for the review!

-Vi.


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Review #20, by Singerinwhite My Dark Prince

17th January 2011:
Other than some blatantly obvious spelling/grammar errors (which I see have already been picked out), this is a ridiculously intriguing story. I figured that it wouldn't have an entirely happy ending - perhaps it can have a bittersweet ending?

Bittersweet ending meaning= No one dies and Hesper lands in Azkaban, but there's one psychologically damaged family that has a very long road to recovery.

And I agree with a previous reviewer that this really should be expanded into a novella of sorts - what you've got here is a ridiculously big concept that needs to be stretched over a long period of time - something like having Hesper's deception last 10 months at the absolute minimum.

There's also a very selfish side of me that wants this to be kept as a short story so I can see a chapter 3 asap. XDD. But like I said, that's a very selfish side of me talking. =)

And don't worry. You did a good job showing that Hesper doesn't have all of her marbles. Personally, I think someone like Rose should say to James, "You called her your poison and she didn't take offense to that?! James, are you sure this girl has all of her crayons stored properly in one box?"
XDDD

Author's Response: I really don't know how I could expand this. But I'll try. And yes it's going to have a bittersweet ending. Thank you!

-Vi.


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Review #21, by LovelyMioneWeasley My Dark Prince

16th January 2011:
Back again- found some more grammar issues.

My brother and father are the ones who get. --- Get what? Asked? Interviewed? This is an incomplete thought.

This is not how I planned.-- Planned what? Planned it, perhaps?

The old lady said that the Snow Whites room is here. -- add an apostrophe after Snow White

Speaking about familyÖis that old lady your sibling?-- Sibling is very much the wrong. Just ask if they are related to make it less awkward.

These were just a few of the mistakes I found in this chapter. You had more, but I think you need to get a beta to really read this and give you some tips for improvement. Your ability to write in English is very impressive; I cannot even imagine you not living in an English speaking country! Crazy!

Hester definitely grew as a character in this chapter. I'm glad to see that she is failing to take the perfect "ice" form that she is after. It gives her much more humanity and shapes her to be a better character to read about after all. I really liked her fight with the hag.

Albus was particularly intriguing; you introduced him well and gave the readers just enough information to make it interesting. James' appearance was well placed and well thought out. I like his gift for her; the bitten apple necklace definitely puts an interesting spin as the story continues.

I still affirm the earlier thoughts I had-- I think this idea is too big for simply a short story. I think this sotry needs at least a novella length to really give it enough time and enough words to allow the plot, characters, and emotions develop in a thorough manner. It is ultimately author's choice of course.

I really love your metaphors and the enivronment you created in this chapter. The raging storm is a really great parallel for the storm raging inside of Hesper. Please continue with the good work; it was a pleasure to read.

7/10
Lindsey

Author's Response: I think I'll might get a beta. I don't really want it. But I should. Again you gave me great ideas. Thank you.

-Vi.


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Review #22, by LovelyMioneWeasley My Little Soldier.

16th January 2011:
Hi LovelyMioneWeasley from the forums and your request. I picked out some obvious typos or grammar issues first.

My parents were nor happy with Harry Potter, The Chosen One. -- change nor to not.

And one day the old had showed up and took me with her. -- old "hag"

I didnít know that the interview will be so late. -- You probably me I didn't know that the interview would be so late.

It has been two weeks after I met James. --Again it has been two weeks since I met James.

I heard as he stepped out of his morning shower and made his way back to bed. -- A better way to put it would be I heard him as he stepped. Just all suggestions.

I would reccomend getting a beta off the forums to read everything; there was places of awkward phrasing and odd diction.

As far as characters goes, Hester's aim is perfectly clear and her obsession is also clear. She seems to fall a little...flat though. I don't think you have given her enough complexity. Describe her emotions of feeling small and scared in the face of Harry Potter. Or maybe the anger she feels. James is perfectly innocent and written as well; he is not a very dynamic character either, just a lovesick guy.

Your best section was definitely the end-- your metaphor for the game of life was very evil and manipulative. It was fantastically done! I loved that idea that Albus and James are her own cards to play.

Hester and the hag seem to have an interesting relationship; I really enjoy the rambling and slightly erratic and crazy nature of the hag. Including the hag would make things certainly interesting. You definitely have an idea that is intriguing enough to keep a reader engaged.

Your descriptions are well done and well placed; I just think that for the first chapter Hester and James need to be a bit better developed even if it is only a short story. It seems to me that you have too good of an idea to just smush into a short story.

7/10
Lindsey

Author's Response: Uuuh I made such stupid mistakes :D. You gave me something to think about. Thank you.

-Vi.


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Review #23, by carinaa My Dark Prince

15th January 2011:
is this story going to end up as a romance? or tragedy?

Author's Response: The story will end up as a tragedy. I want thiss tory to be different.

-Vi.


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Review #24, by GinnyPotter25 My Dark Prince

14th January 2011:
FIRST!
=)
I like your writing a lot, it's very descriptive without being in-your-face. I'm looking forward to more!

Author's Response: Yay! Thanks! I never wrote anything like this story but it's really fun to write it.

-Vi.


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Review #25, by xAstrax My Little Soldier.

7th January 2011:
Amazing. Literate. Story-telling. To the point and with feeling. I'm in love with it, and was extremely upset when this chapter was over. Pleeease continue!

Author's Response: Thank you. Chapter two is in the queue now :D

-Vi.


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