HAH! This was random, but I like it! Report Review
Before I say anything else, I just want to say that I had the problem with the white background and you can fix it by copying-and-pasting as plain text. When you copy from Word, sometimes it sticks in that little background :
This was such a cute fic! I loved how humorous Sirius was. It really added lightness and an adorable dryness. Also, when Peter snuck away from the Marauders I was like OMG PREMONITION ALERT!!
Putting the story in time segments was creative. It gave almost a diary or documentary (or reality show) feel.
Altogether, a very charming and day-brightening one-shot :) Report Review
Another great story =), I liked that way you have shown us a glimpse of Sirius' day, it seems very hectic. But hey when you are a maurader I guess life will never be quiet. This was a funny one-shot and I liked how you showed the dynamic between the group of friends =). I also like the way you structure your stories they are different from the ones I have ever read =).
Great job once again
SilverstarletworldAuthor's Response: Hahah, Sirius really has a lot on his plate doesn't he. xD And thanks, I like to experiment (a lot!) with writing so I am glad it turns out alright! Thanks hun!
Maya Report Review
Hello there! DemetersChild here from the forums with your review! Long-awaited, I know. So sorry. Must've drifted off to sleep...for a month or two.
Anywho! This was hilarious and cute! Definitely kept me laughing. While this is only one way to interpret James, I do enjoy when he's written as a bit of a dolt. He's an ace in school, obviously, but when it comes to Lily his mind goes completely numb and he loses all ability to think properly.
I was a bit confused at one point. Under 8:05am, was James awakened by screams? It seems to be talking about James, but I just think I am confused as to what happened. Did James give Lily degradable underwear and she woke up screaming? Agh! Haha, I want to understand!
And there were a few spots where you should add some commas to offset a few details. "Remus said, exasperated." Unless you're using the adverb form of the word "exasperatedly", it should be separated by a comma. Also, "Peter the rat managed" should be "Peter, the rat, managed".
Everyone seemed in character to me, maybe with a bit of a caricaturization, but just enough to make it funny and not absurd. Honestly, I just wish there was more! I did enjoy that it was set off in little time segments and that some of them were really short, but I want more funny! Hehe, poor Sirius has a bad day.
Well, I really enjoyed it!
DemAuthor's Response: Thank you for coming anyway, Dem! I had actually forgotten that I requested a review from you. :D
Yeah... that one-shot is a bit on the comical side and doesn't allow that much for characterization. :)) I pay much more attention to James' character in my other fic. But here he is, I am afraid to say, the comic relief.
Sorry to have confused you with this scene! The idea was that Sirius (and of course James and the other boys) were awaken by Lily's screams after she found out the underwear. She was awake when she found them and that's why she went to the boys' room to give James a piece of her mind. I hope that's clear. It wasn't an important moment to describe, that's why I skipped a bit on it. Maybe I should add something. ;/
Oh, thanks for the comment about the commas! Since I am lazy and have not yet edited the one-shot, they enter my list of changes I am about to do!
And I am glad you found it enjoyable. :) And as you said, there was a bit of a caricaturization. I am happy you caught on it. :))
Thanks again for the in-depth and lovely review, Dem!
Harley Report Review
Hello Maya *imagine the teddy bear from skype*
Your comic timing is brilliant! I love the 'She didn't', 'He wasn't' bits, it just added something extra to the narrative.
You really are converting me to a lover of the marauder fic! I love your characterization of all four of them.
James was hilarious, all that about using the bat gracefully was so funny. I could just imagine Sirius' face.
I loved Sirius in this (you may even be converting me to a Sirius lover as well) he was witty, all his thoughts about James were excellent. Also the fact that he wanted to impress that girl by reading 'smart-ass-books' such a guy thing to do.
I've said it in Seven Flowers and I'll say it again I love your writing. Everything is so realistic and the way you use humour is amazing.
This story is being favourited!Author's Response: Aw, Callie :) *imagine tenfold of bears*
I am so happy that you found this funny, especially considering that the Marauders are not your favourite era. :) Comic timing is a bit difficult when writing... but I am overjoyed you found it right. :)))
And yey! Of course you should be a Sirius lover, he is amazing. I am glad you liked his character and found him witty because that was pretty much my goal. :)) Oh, and make people laugh of course. ;)
Thanks a ton for reviewing and considering that you study creative writing, you flatter me beyond possible (beyond IMPOSSIBLE) when you say that you like my writing. :) I am happy that my sometimes strange humour comes through.
Oh, and thanks for the fav! *Hugs* Report Review
Unfortunately for James, he had long ago discarded his box, stepped on it, burned it and probably hexed it into oblivion.
That made me laugh so much. I like crazy James. :)
FleurAuthor's Response: I like that line, too. I think it describes our wonderful James very well. xD
And I am glad that it made you laugh. That was the purpose of the story. :)) Thank you for the nice review. :)
Harley Report Review
This is hilarious. Very witty without being overdone. I loved the little comments in the 8.05 section: 'She didn't' ... 'He wasn't' ... 'It... you can probably guess.' They really made me laugh!
I also really liked your characterisation of the boys, especially Sirius and Remus. Sirius was his good old conceited self but you made him seem real by mentioning that he actually does study, reads occasionally, and that there's one girl he knows he can't get. Remus was perfect too - the way he tried to keep the peace is spot on and I believe that's how he would have acted. It would have been nice to see more of Peter, but of course it's only a one-shot so you can't fit everything in.
I noticed one little grammatical error in the line 'Sirius was still moping that he was awaken so unpleasantly'. Since you are writing in the past tense it should be either 'awoken' or 'awakened'. 'Awaken' is the present tense. I think someone already tried to correct this but I'm not sure that what they suggested is correct.
This may seem like a silly thing to mention, but I was really happy that you made up a book from the wizarding world for Sirius to read. So many people stick real-life books, singers, TV shows, etc., into the magical world, so it's always nice to see a bit of creativity, especially for a character like Sirius who would probably have no access to muggle literature.
Happy Holidays!Author's Response: I am sorry for not replying to your lovely review sooner! New year and everything...
Glad you liked the characterisation of the boys. :)) I put a lot of thought in it, I think. And I am super happy you found funny lines :))
Yes, I know about the error (and some more) and I'll put up the edited version when the queue reopens. ;)
And not - it is not silly to mention it! I think that sometimes it's good to have real life books (like Lily reading some muggle book), but when I see one of the Malfoys with a Muggle book in hand I die a little bit :DDD
Thanks again and have a lovely new year!
Harley Report Review
I got hit by your snowball! I must say, knocking me right into this story wasn't bad at all. This was extremely witty and gave me a laugh or two! You had some great lines, all the sarcasm and jokes were spot on. This is exactly how I picture Sirius's mind working, and it was very amusing.
The spacing was a little distracting (you can fix it by using the simple editor instead of the advanced one while submitting) and there were several minor grammar errors that might be fixed with another read through. This detracted from my enjoyment a bit.
The only part where it fell flat was when Sirius described his need to impress Leila. I have no doubt that even a confident pretty boy like Sirius would feel that way, but the way you put it felt a little off. I am a girl, so I don't claim to know the ins and outs of the male mind, but I just can't see Sirius admitting these things to himself. I think he would act on this need to impress, but I'm just not quite sure if he would allow himself to think such vulnerable thoughts.
Other than that, it was hilarious! Nice work here, it was a highly enjoyable read.Author's Response: Hey! Glad that you find Sirius similar to what you imagine ^^
Ahh, the spacing. In my next story, I got the hang of it :DD When I'm editing, I am definitely fixing it - it's a definitely distracting.
As for the vulnerable part - I am not sure about it, but I needed it for the sake of the hmm... "plot". I now more confident boys than Sirius that had these insecure thoughts in them, but we can never be sure xD
I am happy that you found it funny and thanks for the thorough review :))) Report Review
I'm here for the snowball fight; hopefully I won't get sniped midway through this review. At first I was tempted to read you Lily/James story, but spotting that this little One-Shot was based around the one and only Sirius Black made me change my mind. Now I will be honest, stories based around the marauders era more often than not dissapoint me because people just can't seem to write them properly. I have to say though, this particular One-Shot kept me laughing throughout, and I think you characterized the marauders very well indeed. One particular line that had me in stitches was:
"...it was an immutable fact of life that James could bring Lily to hysterical anger by simply sitting quietly in the next room..."
Sirius's voice came across to me as quite sarcastic, which I really liked. Not many people choose to characterize him in this way, but I personally liked it because it added a touch of originality and also it was realistic, because we all know Sirius was a very intelligent bloke.
There were some small typing errors here and there, but nothing too major that I could spot.
Overall a very 'clawesome enjoyable read. -Lol at my stupid unfunny joke.
KatieAuthor's Response: Katie, I am happy that you found this funny even though the Marauders are not your usual cup of tea. :)))
And yes, Sirius for me is a bit sarcastic in his youth or at least likes to joke around a lot xD I think we can safely assume that he was quite intelligent indeed.
For the errors - yes, it's full of them even though I checked it so many times (fail :D) After the queue reopens, I am definitely editing it ;)
And clawesome sounds... clawesome - I quite like it :DD
Hey Harley. :) Here for the snowball fight!
How come the background on your story is white? I've never seen that before . . . o_O
Anyway, moving along to the good stuff! I'm not a Marauders fan. At all. It's my least favorite era by far. I'm not particularly interested in the characters, and most of the time, stories about them just annoy me. However, I found this story to be hilarious! Seriously, I was chuckling throughout the whole thing! I loved the sarcastic voice you gave Sirius.
Some of my favorite things (there are too many to choose from!): The manly palette of basic colors. Ballerina requirement for beaters. Dissolving underwear. Ex-person. The novel Sirius checked out from the library. Going to bed at eight. Firewhiskey at ten in the morning.
Haha. Yeah, I really enjoyed the tone you wrote with. :D
I also know that English is not your first language, and I could tell while reading. It's not that you have any huge errors (there were a couple of typos, I think, but I didn't note them down . . . one was awake instead of awaken). However, sometimes your phrasing is a little different than I would expect. There is a slight something missing with the flow of the language.
Not to worry, though! I'm just commenting on it. I didn't feel distracted by the language as I read, nor did I find you at all difficult to understand. Your writing is better than that of some native English speakers.Author's Response: Yey! I see that someone sniped you before you could post in the forums, but I am glad that you reviewed anyway. :))
The white background - I don't know how that happened. It's got something to do with the pasting from word I think. :D
I am so happy you found the whole thing funny. I cannot lie - I enjoyed writing it immensely. :)) And yes, only Sirius can think of firewhisky at ten in the morning. :D
As for the typos... I know, I know. There are also some other things I'll edit when the queue reopens. I am also glad that the 'odd flow' of the language is not... very unpleasant. I am aware that I'll probably never be able erase completely the traces of other languages in my English, even though I genuinely try. Problem is that I speak several languages and they constantly battle in my head for dominance. I swear, even my native language writing is beginning to sound odd. When I go home, I constantly make people cringe at the expressions I translate from English and German. >_> That's why for my planned novel-length story, I am definitely getting a native English speaking beta. :)))
But I digress. Thank you for the lovely review and merry happy wonderful holidays! :)))
Harley Report Review
What a lovely story! I really liked it, especially Sirius' oh so modest narration. :P It was light and pleasant to read. I enjoyed it.
The Marauders seemed in character for the most part. Though I don't think Peter would run away from the Marauders in Hogsmeade but rather trail after them. Just my thought oh Peter, though. ^_^ I liked how you included the times, as well. It worked pretty nicely for your story!
Over all, I enjoyed it. It was funny, and very Sirius-like. ;) Great story!Author's Response: Hey! Glad you liked it. And yes, Sirius is definitely not winning any awards in modesty xD
Ah! I actually have of a bit of a reasoning for Peter's leave (though other people have pointed it out too). My logic is that usually he follows them around. But in this case his losses (aka James' incessant ramblings) outweigh his gains (plus he's sure that in 7th year they are already friends and wouldn't leave him). It's a bit of foreshadowing that he is not that loyal (and we all know what eventually happens).
Otherwise, I am really happy you enjoyed it! Thanks for the review and Very Merry Christmas! :)
Harley Report Review
Ha, this was really funny! :) The thing I love about Marauders stories is that they always seem to have the best lines in them! This certainly had a lot of really good lines (too many for me to name) and you had me laughing during it. Ah, you just have to love the Marauders! ;)
I really liked the way your described Leila, and how Sirius thought she was perfect even though she wasn't. You also seemed to really capture the goofy side of the Marauders, especially with Sirius' vanity. I never would have thought that Sirius would enjoy reading, as he doesn't really seem like a studier, but I liked how you added that in. It makes him different from all the other Marauders stories I've read.
Overall, this was a really good one-shot and you had me smiling and laughing during the whole thing. Great job and keep up the good work! :) Oh, and Merry Christmas!Author's Response: I am glad you found this funny. It always puts a smile on my face when people find my ramblings about the Marauders funny. :))) And yes, certainly the Marauders have great comic value :)
Yes, although Leila is not a big part of the whole ordeal, I wanted to show through her that despite everything, Sirius was not some shallow idiot who will fall only for the Queen of the castle. And from what we know about Sirius he is certainly a capable and smart wizard and natural ability can only give you so much. In my mind, he paid attention to his studies (although he tried to give the impression that he didn't care much).
Once again, I am really happy that the story made you laugh and smile. Thanks for the super nice review which in turn made me smile :)))
Harley Report Review
Ha ha. I loved this! I love lines such as: 'Unfortunately for James, he had long ago discarded his box, stepped on it, burned it and probably hexed it into oblivion.'
and ' "Start!"could probably make even Voldemort himself suck on his thumb and go cry in the corner of the pitch asking for his stuffed toy Fluffy'. They are brilliant lines :D
Good humour throughout with the right timing.
Happy Holidays :)
Sophia xAuthor's Response: Thank you for the nice review! :))
I am glad you found the story funny, after all that was my main goal.
Happy Holidays to you too! *hugs*
Kail Report Review
“Hey guys, do you think that since we are both awake so early Lily will go with me to Hogsmeade?” She didn’t. “I think I am finally making progress with her!” He wasn’t. “And it’s such a nice day outside!” It... you can probably guess.
I loved this quote, You're really very good!Author's Response: Thanks hun :) (hugs)
Merry Christmas! Report Review
Hello! It's Broomsticks from the forums with your requested review :)
This was hillarious! The comedy was not over the top, but the timing was perfect. I was laughing aloud at lots of parts. The light tone was comedic throughout and it was really easy to fall in love with Sirius' mind haha. The young warlock Dorlin? I was cracking up all over the place :D
As for structure, I didn't find the breaking up of hours made this hard to read. In fact, it improved flow. I know that sounds a bit weird (breaking it up improving flow?) but this is a one-shot in which the location and Sirius' mindset changes a lot so it's much easier for the reader to be gripped by the story in this format than the traditional format. It added humour because it emphasized that this was a day in Sirius' life, it was almost diary entry like... but of course, much more macho manly ;)
As you said you were going to edit this in the holidays, I thought I'd go over the little things I spotted:
Sirius was "awaken" not "awoken"
He reffered to "Voldemort" - whilst he would later become a member of the order, I think it's much more likely teenage Sirius would refer to him as you-know-who?
"People were often the impression" Missed an under I think?
Also, I noticed Sirius referred to her as Lily at the beginning of the piece and Evans later, so perhaps decide between the two for consistancy purposes.
Those are just little typos and stuff, but I thought it your going to edit this it may help! The only real issue I noticed in this piece was tense changes. Swapping between thoughts and past tense is hard, so I understand why the tense slipped sometimes, but around hours later and more hours later (hehe) especially I seemed to notice it slip into present tense, so watch out for that.
As I mentioned I found this hillarious! I had so many favourite moments. Worst of all Peter had me laughing out loud, simply sitting quietly in the next room, the comic timing on the "It didn't, she didn't, it... you can guess" was brilliant, I loved that. Too many funny moments to mention! It brought me a lot of joy to read this so thanks for posting!
I hope this review gave you some useful feedback, cheers for requesting!
~TallestTower/BroomticksAuthor's Response: Broomsticks!
That's exactly what I needed. As I often say, it sometimes becomes hard to spot one's mistakes after writing and reading it a thousand times. So thank you for the corrections! Especially for slipping into present tense. I usually write in past tense, so I don't know why i committed a fail this time. -_-' And yes, about Voldemort, maybe it's better to be You-know-who after all. I didn't even think of that. And for changing b/n Lily and Evans - argh! I am writing a Lily/James story and I always do this! I'll be careful with it in the edit. Thank you so much for all the points you made. You helped a writer in need!
On another note, I am glad that you found the story funny because... that was kind of the whole purpose of it. xD I love comedy and I enjoy writing humour!
So, thank again for the amazingly helpful review. Everything you pointed out will improve the story immensely! *hugs*
Kaileena Report Review
I thought that this was a extremely good one-shot, it was creative, funny and different, but i wanted more! I really liked the way you portrayed the characters, especially Sirius.
You left me wanting to read more about everyone! Have you every though about expanding it?
Congrats on a great one-shot, have a great Christmas and a happy new year,
James2009Author's Response: Thank you for the nice review! It made me really happy :)
On the question of expanding - I am now writing a Lily/James story, then I have to finish a few stories for challenges and prooobably around February I'll be posting my very Marauder-centric novella. I also have a story called "Hogwarts Haunted Horrors" which is basically the Marauders and Lily sitting around the Gryffindor fireplace and telling each other horror stories. Funnily, it is also not horror, but more comedy. But I also have work, so I am not sure in what order I will be posting stuff. :D And now that you say, I may have to do more of "A very... day" chapters, I was inspired! Oh, the writer's dillema :DD
Thanks again and happy holidays!
Kaileena Report Review
I actually rather enjoyed this and am glad you shamelessly plugged into our conversation. It's a fun little snapshot into it and I think you did rather well with it. Very nicely done, indeed. :)Author's Response: Haha, I'm glad. I am doing a bit of "professional reviewing" right now and then I'll see yours. Sirius and Dorcas < 3 Report Review
Hi there dearie! Requested review as follows:
It is funny, but in a more tongue in cheek way than what I expected. I enjoyed that aspect of it :D
However, the flow of it is veeery choppy. It really feels like you are fast forwarding. A lot. Maybe add some more detail or something? It's good, it's just the choppiness that stuck out.
WELL DONE! 10/10!Author's Response: Ooh, thanks Olwyn :))
I am glad you enjoyed the humour. Otherwise, yeah, I know it's a bit choppy but I partly intended it to be as such... maybe I overdid it too much ^^' Oops. Well, after some time I'll be editing it and I'll definitely take in mind your remark to make it more flow-y.
Kail :)) Report Review
Haha I loved it =D Very well written and nice and funny =DAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review, caomoyl! I am really happy you liked it :-)
Kaileena Report Review
Here to review as promised.
My first thought when I finished your story was, what an entertaining read! You've got some very funny lines in there, and it was a well written fic!
I loved so many of your lines, like "...it was an immutable fact of life that James could bring Lily to hysterical anger by simply sitting quietly in the next room." This is such a realistic line, and really gets across Lily's personality and opinion on James. And this line here, "The manic glint in his eyes combined with his battle cry "Start!"could probably make even Voldemort himself suck on his thumb and go cry in the corner of the pitch asking for his stuffed toy Fluffy..." Quite humorous! By the way, there should be a space just before could. "...you will become an EX-PERSON!" This one made me laugh, I haven't heard this line before! Usually it's the cliche toe-rag Potter thing, so I loved how you made yours different.
The plot is great, it seems like an average day for the Marauders, but when you focus on Sirius, and the way you wrote it, made it more interesting then just an average day.
Characterisation is great! For the first half, I thought you just had the stereotypical cliche Marauders, and though I don't hate that, better characterisations often mark a good writer. So I was loving it when Sirius started reading books and attempting to impress a girl! I was just wondering what happened after Leila Crowley talked to Sirius? Sirius thought something, but we didn't get to hear his reply! That might be a loose end you might need to tie off, because it was a bit sudden that Leila suddenly disappeared. Typical James, and Remus was great in this story, their personalities make for the arguments! I totally didn't expect Peter to bail on James, if I had a guess, I would have said Sirius, so nice work on that too!
Spelling is great, as is grammar, and punctuation is fine too. Nothing big, but I noticed some tiny mistakes - "Ah... Degradable underwear." In here, degradable doesn't need a capital D. 'Really slow? In agonizing pain?' This doesn't need the quotations, it's the same type of line as, "So much for sleeping in then", and it's not speech. And lastly, "...Sirius decided that he was going to do the Unspeakable..." Unspeakable doesn't need a capital U.
Finally, I think maybe the times you have, 7:30 am, 8:00 am, might be a bit unnecessary. Some people feel that writing Sirius' POV, and James' POV indicates bad writing, and using times is similar to that. I don't think the times enhances your fic, in some places, the time isn't needed at all. The story would flow much better in those places. Perhaps instead you could use line breaks where they are needed or simple breaks with asterisks *** or dashes ---.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this! Quite a unique one shot on the Marauders, which is hard to do, so good job! Gosh, this review is really long! Hope this review helped though!
- maskedmuggle / Charlotte :)Author's Response: Oh, such a long review! Thank you for sparing so much time for it :)))
I am glad you enjoyed it. Actually, I kind of used it to "test drive" my Marauders since I couldn't just rush into writing long stories about them without kind of easing into it with shorter things. :))
I am very glad you enjoyed the characterisation of the Marauders. I consider myself I character-development oriented person rather than a "plot" person and I am happy I got them right. :) Of course, this was a bit on the comical side, so they couldn't be too deep. James, especially comes out a bit flat here, but I needed him to be (he is a great comic relief). I think I rectify that in my next fic (I felt the need to "apologize" for making him such a walking doodle here... he he).
Thank you very much for pointing out the mistakes here and there! That's exactly what I needed, since I spell check and everything but after reading my own story a hundred times, the neural pathways in my brain get accustomed to it and I become unable to spot them anymore. When I edit the fic after a week or two, I will go back to your review and I will correct the things you pointed out.
Once again, thank you so much for the lovely review! I cannot stress enough how helpful it is. :))
Kail Report Review
hi, i'm surprised this doesnt have more reviews, its really good. your characterisation of Sirius is fantastic - he's more the way I see him from the books, rather than the fanfic version. He actually seems like a real person for a change lol. Brilliant job!Author's Response: Oh, *blush* thanks :)))
I was actually starting to think that I committed an epic fail with this fic, so i cannot describe how very glad I am that you like it. :)
Kaileena Report Review
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