Wow. Your introduction was powerful. If the first several paragraphs were any reflection whatsoever of your writing style and abilities in the chapters to come, then I am completely blown away. This is, by far, my favorite first chapter of a fanfiction.
I enjoyed reading about the original characters you established, the unique setting, and the odd storyline. I did notice that you had one or two grammar or spelling mistakes, but they were minor and didn't affect the quality of the fanfiction.
I was a little lost at the beginning. And in the middle slightly. The hasty appearances of the characters was a little overwhelming and I struggled originally to keep them straight. I think I've got it figured out now, though.
This chapter didn't contain a great deal of plot, which is expected in the first several chapters of a story. However, I didn't find any evidence that this was a fanfiction. If I hadn't come across this story on Harry Potter fanfiction archive, then I would have assumed it was an original book. The main characters, or at least the ones we have been introduced to, could just be your average teenage muggles. There is nothing defining them as witches or wizards.
Superb job!Author's Response: Oh wow. You've made my heart soar, I swear it! I always think of my style as a bit of a mess, the grammar and spelling mistakes come from the way I write; it all just sort of dribbles out and I try not to reread and edit too much because it changes the heart of it if it's over thought-I will look over again though, to see what needs fixing (mistakes aren't nice).
I'm sorry to hear I lost you a little here and there, in a way I think that's what I want to do with this story. The reader will never know everything, and everything is warped by Evie's eyes, albeit she sees a great deal.
As for the rest, the Harry Potterness WILL come in in future chapters, but I'm not a fanfiction writer, not is the essence of this particularly dependant on being in JK's world. All my stories, all my characters...they're mine, I just don't think I have the bravery or ability to make a world of my own for them. And if I did, lovely people such as yourself would never lay eyes on them. I suppose it's the only place there's a chance people will stumble over my words.
I can't thank you enough x Report Review
Hello! I'm True Author with your requested review! =]
I'm really sorry for missing your request dear! Thanks for reminding me, or I would have been very ashamed of myself later...
Anyways, I read your story and actually liked it. =] you have a powerful plot with lots of characters to explore. Your characterization sounds good in this one, but please always be careful about your characters because your story is actually based on them. Hestia, Felix, and main of all Evie was good.
Your flow could do some work. Your story sounds stiff at some places like the opening paragraph. I really think you should begin your story with something attractive rather than- "Sometimes I’m struck by a monsterous lucidity." I'll suggest you to search and find lyrics to fit the plot or you can use quotes or a thought something like that. An attractive beginning always improves your story. =]
Anyways, it was a nice start. sorry for missing the review again... =]Author's Response: Thank you so much for coming! No problem on the skipping over, I'm so glad I did the awkward ask after it and you came! =]
I'm so glad you like my little collection of chums, I'll do my best to be fair and careful with all of them-it's their flaws and strengths I depend on for the plot ahead. It's always a relief to know that Evie has passed her initial test though, she's what keeps it all together.
As for the rest, I thank you for the criticism and the idea-I'll consider looking for some lyrics, but it isn't something I've ever done as it seems a strange distraction sometimes. The opening paragraph(s) are how this story came about, and for me it fits-I'm sorry for you it didn't. But despite the fact it's a bit sudden and lumpy perhaps, it was a carefully written beginning. Evie herself says it's a rotten way to begin, but the story is about rotten things, and hitting the ground running and not knowing where to stop. I'm rambling, aha, sorry.
Thank you so much for taking the time, and I'm sorry I took a while to respond! Report Review
Ooo, I wondered what was going on between Evie and Felix ... :)
After this chapter your characters are still mysteries to me, but I feel like I'm starting to get a feel for them. Evie especially seems to struggle with her identity, and from her conversation with Reg it seems like leaving her home behind for Hogwarts, and leaving the muggle world for the wizarding world is a major source for her angst.
I found this passage near the beginning to be especially interesting: "He always played his cards well, because as much as he didn't comprehend me, he somehow managed to understand me better than anyone, save a single soul." At first I assumed the "single soul" referred to was Hestia, but after getting to her conversation with Reg at the end I wonder if it is referring to him? More mysteries! :)
So far I am intrigued enough to want to keep reading and see where the characters' relationships go. I have more questions at this point than opinions. :) Will a love triangle develop? Will Evie eventually have to choose between muggle and wizard society, or will she walk the line between the two? ... and also how will Lucius and Narcissa fit into the story??Author's Response: Ah yes, Evie and Felix are rather unorthodox. Aha. Felix has some demons though, if that much isn't already obvious. Demons always get in the way of things.
Mysteries they are. I'm glad you said this though, that you're at least getting a feel for them. Evie's a blessing in the fact she's perceptive, but the essence of the group is pretty much reliant on that fact alone; they don't know one another in the most genuine sense a friend might, but they're still one another's most important people, because they understand at least, and take things at face value (this is important if the truth is barely whispered).
As for your questions (they made me all bubbly inside, it's lovely to know you're really thinking about it!). Love triangles? It's safe to say, yes, although probably not in the most usual sense-there's already a jumble going on now. I worry I'll say something silly, so I dare not say much. They've all got a few choices coming, Voldemort is beginning to recruit, and being ambiguous will be less easy when it comes to that. Evie's got her sister too, who's as much as a ball and chain as a safety net-whatever decision one makes, the other will face consequences in turn. The last, well, they both make an appearance in chapter four =]
Thank you darling thing! You've made my day! x Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!
First of all, I'm intrigued by the ambiguous relationships between your characters, and I'm interested to see how they develop. I feel like I need to read more and get to know the characters better before I can comment more on how I feel about them. They seem cut adrift, as if they're struggling to figure out who they are.
I assume that Evie's sister Hestia is Hestia Jones? That would seem to fit with the year 1970. I would like it if there were a couple more period details worked in to help establish the setting, maybe songs that they hear at the muggle parties they frequent, or snippets of political discussion they overhear?
I do like your first person stream-of-conscious writing style. I don't always like sentence fragments such as: "To become one of them." But they work well with this style of writing. :)
I don't mind that the story is more character driven than plot driven, but there is one question I have: Is Evie telling/writing this story to anyone in particular, or is this her interior monolog? I ask because of the sentence: "This was a rotten way to begin." It makes me think (I could be wrong) that she is relating this story to someone. I think it's totally fine that the "who" isn't revealed right away, but I hope to find out, eventually. :)
I went ahead and read the second chapter right away after this one, because I was so intrigued by the characters, so I will review it now... :)Author's Response: Oh this was a lovely surprise to come home to; thanks so much for finding the time!
I'm so glad they've sparked a little something for you-and you've caught it exactly, they are all have their reasons for being what they are, but none of them are in control-even if they fight for it/think they are.
When I began my first sketches of this, Hestia was indeed Hestia Jones, and I hate to admit what a mess I am in general when it comes to such things, but as yet the surname isn't important. She's still Jones in my head, but I worry it'll be a bit out time-wise; the only information on her was that she was young and kind (bad summary). It fits, depending on the definition of 'young'. She'd be edging on 50 (or so), which wizarding wise sort of is youthful I suppose. But yes-she was planned as such =] I hope later chapters will start to better confirm the period they're in; but I will keep this in mind and see if a few more references can't be dropped-but I hope it'll be clearer soon anyway.
As for the last, you actually made me think at that. In a way, I think it's safe to say it's inner monologue; she's reflecting on the truth, it's what she's say if she could speak, it's what she would say, if she could. That isn't to say she isn't eventually able and that it isn't meant for someone.
I'm sorry I'm doing such a bodgy job of this! I adored your review, and am flattered you read on! I'd have come and asked for another anyway, which I will-if you're so willing. Thank you! Report Review
Hey there, I'm from tag.
You've got a lovely dreamy way of writing, with the ribbons and so on. It's gorgeous. I could've read that all day. And you've managed to blend it well with the harsh, profane dialogue too, which in itself sounds natural and realistic.
Speaking of which, this line:
>They must think we’ve got some wicked good spliff.
is the best description of a wand ever. XD
These four seem a lot like our Marauders, and I'd be interested to see how the two groups interact.
There were a few typos - maybe get a beta, or proofread or something - but apart from that, I can't really find fault with this, and you might see me again reviewing just for the fun of it, so watch this space.Author's Response: Oh this is a bit lovely, and by a bit I mean a bunch; thank you. I'm so glad you think the two contrasts managed alongside one another. I always worry one or the other will put people off; my writing is too airy for some, and the language too crass for others. Which makes me even happier you enjoyed it, combined and all! Aha.
Evie makes it pretty easy for me, she's as loud in my head when I'm writing her as my own voice is sometimes.
I shall have another read through and make some corrections, I tend to make adjustments and fixes over time rather than when I should-but I will! Thank you again for reviewing, sweet thing. I'd love to see you again, aha. Report Review
Hi electricfeel here with your requested review.
First, let me start by saying I really like the premise of this story. It feels really unique and it's an interesting time period. It also feels like a very adult story which, in my opinion, makes it all the more intriguing. As a reader, I know you will have a lot more freedom when it comes to your OC's antics; you can make them shocking, outrageous or memorable and that's exciting.
As for your OCs, I really like the narrator, Evie. I feel she will be a very complex and deep character, mainly through your writing in this chapter. But, I like that about her, despite living a life that many might deem to be shallow, she is actually a very layered character, I'm extremely interested to see how she develops.
Now, your style of writing can at points be utterly beautiful; the first few paragraphs for example, the descriptions of the morning after silence, the descriptions of her watching them in front of her and again at the sea. And then, at other points it feels slightly rushed. For example, the scene where they are playing in the sea, I feel you went on a little too long. I feel your whole style of writing changed here, which felt a little disappointing because your writing is beautiful! You are really fantastic at showing instead of telling, there were times were I was completely lost in your writing. Because you do have a real talent, you just need to play to your strengths because that is when your story truly comes alive. Another example of this comes with the dialogue after the party, again, it felt a little rushed too, yet the dialogue towards the end flowed perfectly. It seems in that last bit of dialogue you added a lot more descriptive narrative, I think that's whats missing from the conversation after the party.
And, I must say, your descriptions are really another real strength. It's all so vibrant; I can see the colours and the beauty, I really, really loved your descriptions.
You asked if there was anything endearing that would make readers want to keep reading and the answer is yes, there's plenty. For a start, all of your characters are great. Evie is interesting (as I've mentioned) the male characters seem fun yet we're getting hints that they may be quite different, and the friendship between Clara and Evie is incredibly endearing. But there's also you! And your style of writing! You really are a fantastic writer. Genuinely, you have a real talent. It just feels at times like you're losing your way a little. I feel like I want to tell you to take a deep breath and have a little more faith in yourself!
Hope this review helped, and I hope to see your requesting again soon ;)
P.S - I've added this to my favourites to keep an eye on it :)Author's Response: Firstly, I feel as though I might mention this is the second time I've written this reply, haha, a slight mac-spaz attack managed to lose the first. So this might be a bit patchy, if I think I've already said something that I actually haven't? I'll do my best.
First off, I can't tell you how incredibly grateful I am. This review is one of the loveliest I've laid eyes on, and I can almost promise you've made my soul sing. It's so so lovely, because it feels like you've truly understood my approach, I think. Usually with my writing, I think people get annoyed because it's a bit floral, but I can't help it-the words can be just as attractive as the thing they're describing, and if someone is willing to just sort of dive in...Ah, it makes me happy that you could, anyway =D
This will be a mess, I'm sorry-but I hope I cover everything you touched. I think your mild concrit is what's made me feel the most lightheaded, because every bit you've mentioned, I already sort of stared at those paragraphs with vague distaste. The ocean scene was incredibly hard for me to cough out-it was serious splutters, over a period of time..and then I'd go back and poke it around a bit..and bleh.
That leads me to the morning after silence-I'm thrilled it caught you a little-it's one of my favourite snips, and unlike the ocean, I can't seem to change a single word if I fancy it-it's so solidly become it's own..little piece. I don't even know if it's mine anymore, haha.
I'm rambling to buggary, but honestly. This is ridiculously encouraging, and I can't thank you enough. To hear that you're fond of my floristry gives me some courage to have a look through my text and add some more to the bits that might lack-people who dislike description will run away from the very first paragraph anyway-so I shouldn't care to cater to them too much, aha.
I'll stop myself here-with a firm promise I'll be back with another request as soon as you're free =] You've earned the place as my writing-self-esteem-angel, or something of the sort. Thankyou lovely, very much indeed.
I love your characterization and vibrant discription! Beautiful story, can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Ah! Thank you so much! I'm always scared I'm too flowery-this is lovely. =D Report Review
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