Hi, it's VioletBlade from the forums. Wow! I am very much impressed with your use of detail! That is incredible for any writer to accomplish, and you did so spectacularly. It really led me to believe I was right there behind that couple and following them. I'm very interested in reading the next chapter, if there is going to be one!
As for the flow, it was easy to read. It worked together well I thought, and that's always a huge thing for me. It wasn't choppy, and like I said up there, the detail REALLY contributed to that fact.
Great writing, it was a pleasure to read!Author's Response: Sorry for the late reply on this!! I haven't checked my reviews in ages and apparently this one slipped right through my nets. Anyways, thank you and I'm glad you liked it! It's good to hear the flow of it was alright and that it wasn't choppy. Glad the amount of details was alright.
Thank you again for the review! XD Report Review
It's Miriel here with your review...I know, it's been a long time, but I've been extremely busy...Sorry again!
You asked me to look out for possible grammar errors. As I wrote in my review offer, English isn't my first language, so I'm not too familiar with the finesses of grammar.
I think this is a very interesting start. I really like the description of the surroundings, it captured my attention.
You also built up some tesion, because the whole atmosphere is very mysterious and a bit scary.
I'd actually like to know who the couple was. But I suppose one gets to know that later.:) The location makes me guess about Lily and James, but I could be wrong.
All in all, I really liked it. Feel free to rerequest whenever you post the next chapter.:)
MirielAuthor's Response: sorry for the late reply, i didn't have internet for a while i'm afraid, but nevertheless thank you for reviewing!
I'm glad you liked the mood setting and that i was able to pull it off ^^ it's always nice to hear that i've managed to convey my feels for the scene at that moment so well.
lol, well that's secret to be found out later. ^__^ thank you again for the great review and you bet i'll stop by again when the next chapter is up! Report Review
Wow what a magnificent cliffhanger, I'm literally bouncing off of my seat to see who the couple was, what happened and who the intruder was and where the story is going to go. Your grammar use here was very good, I didn't see anything that caught my eye so good job. I'm eager to see what happens next.
Femme ^_^Author's Response: thank you for reviewing!
it's good to hear it's alright so far and
glad to hear that you like the prologue and the start of the story so far! XD
thank you again! Report Review
woah! what an amazing introductory chapter! there really wasn't a lot of substance to this piece (which is totally understandable because there really doesn't have to be when a story is just starting out) but nevertheless i found this very very enjoyable.
your grammar, as far as i can tell, is well in check. i can't promise that nothing is wrong but from where i stand i didn't see anything at all that you should be worried about. i thought your grammar was a huge part of why i like this story so far so that should make you feel better. when things are grammatically correct, the entire story flows better and when things flow better, well, that just makes the entire chapter all the more easier to get through.
overall, i thought this was a great start to a story. this has a lot of potential, especially because you left so much hanging. right now, it's up to the reader to say who they thought got married and who the intruder could be, and that's always a nice way to continue from. feel free to request again on my review thread anytime you wish, especially when you update this story. i would honestly love to see where you end up taking this. keep up the fantastic writing and have a wonderful week!Author's Response: thank you for the fast review! i'm happy you like it so far and that the grammar is alright so far. I'm rather terrible at my comma's i'm afraid XD
thank you again! i hope to update soon, so i'll back to your thread soon as well.
as i've said before, thank you again! Report Review
hello I'm here for your requested review!
I'm liking this story so far! I can see it being an original with an amazing plot full of twists. I loved how you haven't used any names yet (to indicate who the couple are) and I also love how you describe their surroundings. The imagery in the story is great- I could see myself as a spectator watching the whole scene. If an author can transport the reader into their story then that really makes you a great author! Anyway in your request your areas of concern said grammer for now. I not the best on grammer and spelling but I didn't spot anything that really stood out in your story that was spelt wrong or that was grammatically incorrect. I don't think that you really need any help on grammer at this stage because you seem to be doing fine on your own! I really liked it so far and keep updating because I want to know what happens next!
Grace xx (hermioneg566)
p.s. I hope this review has been helpful! :)Author's Response: it has really! thank you very much for reviewing as it made my morning...now i just need to get some coffee into me XD
thank you, i'm glad i managed to really pull you into the story! it's always nice to hear that ^__^
thank you again for the great review! Report Review
The way that you have used words to explain the emotions just grab me and draw me in, your flow is great. The way you have kept the character a mystery was great that really makes you think that you want to know whats happening next.
I am not great at Grammar myself, so I didnt see any, in saything that if there is any then the aveger read wouldnt see them.
I would like to know who got killed as who got married.Author's Response: Hahaha thank you! I'm glad you like it so far and I myself can't wait to work some more on it, but I like to pick my work apart, so I'm just waiting for a beta reader to set stuff in motion ^_^
Thank you again for reviewing as always! Report Review
Hey hun! I was so happy when you posted in my thread! It's been so long since you've requested from me! (I used to be Tinkerbell01)
I just have to say that I'm intruiged by your storyline. It's something that I've never seen before and I can't wait to see what happens next. You capture the emotion and intensity of the story very well. I could feel the eeriness of the intruder throughout the whole chapter. I have a feeling who they are, but I want to read more to know for sure.
I'm interested in finding out how you continue this, so please don't hesitate to request the second chapter!
xxAuthor's Response: hey it's good to see you! XD
i've had a rather solid writers block for a while that i tried several times to break down, but it all sounded terrible to me. i just hate when i've got an idea that won't word itself properly! lol
thank you so much for reviewing! i'd glad you like it so far and i'll definitely be coming back to you for another one! ^_^ Report Review
I like this a lot. I like the tone of the story very much.
I think that with all this talk about strangers and intruders things get a little confusing round about the middle of the story. You should find a better way of descerning between all of the strangers and intruders and what not. I loved your descriptions. You did very good with that.
Towards the beginning with the sentence: "…they had not been followed by drunks or different unwanted company…" things got a bit sticky in the reading. Just writing 'unwanted company' would do just fine there.Author's Response: thank you for reviewing and i'm happy you like it so far! thank you, i'll give that a look over and fix it up ^_^
thank you again! Report Review
Hey its musiclover,
So this is a great start to a potetinally good story! You are incredible at describing things. I could see it playing out in my head.
This chapter was definatly attention grabbing and had a definate wow-factor.
As for the grammar part you requested, there were mistakes but not enough to cause me to struggle with reading it. I don't know if you want me to point them all out so i'll point out some of the major ones:
Hasty foot prints left in the... --footprints is one word
Onward they trotted; climbing higher up...-- a comma would work better here instead of semi colon
...the church doors violently split open; smashing upon the hinges ... -- same thing here
Those are just some of the things. You could always get a beta :)
musicloverAuthor's Response: I see what you mean with the grammar. I actually have a topic up for a beta for this story, but no one's picked it up yet ^^;
thank you for reviewing as always and i'm glad you liked it so far! thank you again! Report Review
Hi there, this is WittleAna from the forums, here with your review. (:
Detail- You are absolutely BRILLIANT at this. I could really imagine everything that was happening, which made me that much more intrigued. My favorite parts probably had to be the second paragraph.
At the same time, I think the detail is hurting your story a bit. I'm a patient reader, so I found it enthralling, but I know that some readers might not. It might come across as filler, but that really just depends, I'm a stickler for detail so I really don't mind.
This sentence: "Cold December wind bit the skin and froze warm fleets of breath upon the air, as a couple, not dashing, but rather in a hurry, made their way up the somewhat empty streets of Godric’s Hollow" I think it would be better if you broke that down into two sentences. Maybe something like "Cold December wind bit the skin and froze warm fleets of breath upon the air, as the couple made their way up the somewhat empty streets of Godric's Hollow. They were not dashing, but clearly in a hurry." I think it just makes it easier to understand.
All in all, I think this was brilliant. Feel free to request more from me, I would be happy to read this again. 9/10Author's Response: thank you! you really made my day!
:) I remember to hit you up again when the next chapter is up! Report Review
Here with the review you requested...
In the first sentence, 'air as a couple,'- there should be a comma after 'air' here.
Okay, then I got a bit confused, in one line your talking about the drunks and then the next you skip to footprints, but who's are they?
Some stuff doesn't need to be there. Like, the couple huddled together for warmth, I'm sure it would be if it's snowing and cold out. So the “'maybe something more' is kind of off putting for the reader.
When they open the gate, I think it would flow better if there was 'their' before heads, because for a second I thought it was talking about other onlookers.
"'but not before one briefly looked about beforehand shut it behind them'- I don't know what you were trying to say in this sentence, how about something like 'one briefly looked about before shutting it behind them'-kind of sounds a bit better.
When the candles in the church go out, you said 'lone one'- lone what? Because in the sentence before hand you talked about the candlelight and not a candle, so you need to put candle in here.
'waited patiently'- should be 'waiting'.
'violently the church doors split open '- would it be better as 'the church doors split violently open'?
'Without falter wands'- comma between 'falter' and 'wands'.
It's not bad, some of your wording reads a bit awkward, but I like the mysterious feel it has.Author's Response: thank for the review. i went ahead and fixed a few of things you mentioned. thank you again, i'm glad for the help. :) Report Review
Hey there! Obviously, this is doratonks14 from the forums here with your review.
First of all, I just want to say that the imagery in here was incredible. I liked the way you set the scene at the beginning and when you were talking about their hands I held my breath. Especially the part about their fingers slipping between each others. Really, really beautiful.
Grammar-wise, I'm going to get a little nit-picky, but only because my English teacher would kill me if I didn't. You used a lot of semi-colons in here and in the first paragraph especially, they should pretty much all be replaced by commas. Semi-colons should only be used to separate two complete thoughts - it would have to be a sentence on both sides. Its not really distracting, and again I'm probably being nit-picky, but if you want it to be correct grammar wise, I'd change them to commas.
Overall, a very wonderful piece. It was short, but lovely, and I really want to know what happens to the couple, even though its an epilogue. Thanks for dropping by my review thread - feel free to drop by again whenever!
9/10Author's Response: I don't know how i missed it, but ended up calling it the epilogue when it was the prologue. goes to show my mind was on a different story at the time! XD
Thank you for reviewing! I did ask for grammar help as I'm terrible with comma's and semi-colons sometimes. I'll take what you've said and give it a fix. Thank you again! :) Report Review
Interesting. The imagery is flawless, along with the grammar. The flow was good, too. The chapter definitely grabs the reader's attention and pulls them into the story. Though, you should use names. The story needs at least one name drop to get the reader to continue to the nest chapter.
Though, overall it was very good. 8/10!Author's Response: First thank you for reviewing!
Second I'm glad that it flows well and grabs the readers attention. I wasn't too sure how it would be taken, but thank you for letting me know I was going mad. lol.
Once again thank you!
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