Another good chapter. One of the biggest grammar things I noticed was that you tend to mess up the different forms of there, their, and they're. I also think that you could use a little more detail in your story. Perhaps have Love describe what things around her look like more, or describe her actions in order to show how she feels more instead of simply having her state how she feels. Report Review
Another good chapter. Again the grammar mistakes weren't that big a deal. So far I think the story is believable although one thing I have to wonder is how Love got to Kings Cross. In the first chapter you said that she lived in New York City, and she's clearly American as she said. If she were in New York City when she woke up how did she end up in England at Kings Cross Station to take the Hogwarts Express? If she apparated with her parents I think it would do well to put a simple sentence in there that says that since everything seems kind of sudden this way and a little more detail can only enhance the story. Report Review
Interesting start to the story, I don't generally like reading FFs that are in the first person POV but for some reason I feel like it really works in this story. I hardly noticed that the chapter was written in the first person, it flowed very nicely and was easy to read instead of tripping me up like first persons usually do. You have a very fluid writing style and you made it very easy to connect to Love in this chapter and feel her confusion at her decision. You've made Love's personality show through in such a small chapter. Your grammar mistakes weren't that glaring, i noticed a few but they weren't so bad that they hindered my reading of the story, but even still a good once over before posting or even finding a beta reader on the forums can only help your story. Report Review
Good chapter. Not much to critique here, but it was rather short and a little patchy with the detail in some places. Keep writing. Report Review
Alright. This chapter was an improvement from the last, I like the characters and the giggling girls. I'm glad that Love didn't completely look down on the girls, that would make her quite a Mary Sue. I would recommend getting a beta, because you have a few grammar and spelling errors in here. Report Review
Hi, this is WittleAna from the forums. Sorry for the late review.
I like the concept of the story. It's not often that you find a character like Love, and your characterization of her is perfect. I can tell her personality quite well. I'd be careful to watch for cliches though. The opening is kind of unoriginal, as many authors choose the 'Hi! My name is so and so' route. Maybe have a dialogue to open with someone calling her love, and then her explaining? Other than that, I thought it was a good read.Author's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
I really loved Love's character (plus points for the name :D)
I agree you need to work on your spelling and grammar but the plot is not really boring...and this is just the start so I can't guess how the story will turn out to be...but i think you are doing a real fine job and you should continue writing 'coz i really really really wanna noe wat happens next!!!Author's Response: Aww thanks for the review Report Review
Ronsgirl29 from the forums (:
You said you are already aware of the grammar mistakes so I won't mention them. But I would suggest getting to that soon. If you didn't already know, you can edit chapters already posted even if you have a new chapter in the queue. You just can't have more than one new one.
on to the story;
I think this chapter is a good start to your story. It definetly isn't boring; it gives the reader a good taste of the character and what could possibly be happening next.
I like your characterization of Love. She is a bit of a loner, which I like. But I also think it's good that she was willing to leave her comfort zone and go to Hogwarts, even if she's not sure why she did it.
I'm interested to see how she handles Hogwarts, and how she falls in love with sirius. This a good start, just keep working on it and I think this could be a really nice story!
-ronsgirl29Author's Response: Oh Thank you I didn't know that. I'm glad you like it and I'm glad you like Love :) Report Review
what a beautiful addition to the previous chapter! i thought it was great how this one started and ended. again, this was a very short chapter but enough happened to keep me interested and upbeat with your plot and the situation at hand. it was interesting how you made the 'popular girls' sit with Love. it makes sense, as does everything else in these first two chapters, but it's a risk in a way. some readers will like that and others won't. personally, i think it was a very wise decision on your part. i've read so many stories where on the train, the new kid meets their new best friend who's a complete outsider like they are so this is quite refreshing!
once again, this story is not boring at all. it's only getting better! i've read a lot of stories on this site and it is my great pleasure to inform you that never have a read a story quite like this. i know every story is different but when i tell you that i haven't seen anything like this before i mean anything that struck me in the same way. every story hits a reader somehow and this one is having a very positive effect on my core today.
understand there still isn't a whole lot for me to work off of here but so far i think this story is very realistic and well written. you have some mistakes (which i know you are already aware of) but everyone has mistakes and in my opinion they aren't taking away from your writing hardly at all.
overall, i thought this was another wonderful chapter. i had a great time reading this and do hope to hear from you again with a request to your third chapter or another story because, as you are probably already aware of, in my rules i have a restriction of two chapters per request. i hope you have had as much of a pleasure writing these first few chapters as i have had reading them. you have amazing potential as a writer. there is always room for improvement as you know, even from the most experienced of writers, but i think you are off to a very wonderful start. have a fantastic day and keep on writing!!Author's Response: Your so sweet I could hug yo, thanks so much for the amazing review :) Report Review
You need more segue in between the part where Love is on the carriage and the part where she is in the Great Hall gaping. The wording there makes it sound like she is still outside.
I love Loves annoyance when Sirius calls her Ďloveí and pushes her aside. Very nicely worded there, that could have easily gotten confusing.
I really like Loveís annoyance at Beth and Gigi. I was thinking about jumping off a cliff myself when they started talking.
This chapter seemed too short. Maybe finish it out to the end of the day?
Areas of concern:
I still donít think itís boring or poorly written. Again, there is room for improvement, but like I said before, this is almost entirely in the spelling and grammar department. I really like your pacing, though the general flow of the chapter is disrupted by the mistakes. Love has a very strong voice as well. First person POV is working out very well for her.
I still donít find this believable, but I think thatís something youíre probably just going to have to embrace and be okay with. As far as the whole ĎAmerican exchange studentí (this is a form of that cliche) thing goes, this is one of the better representations Iíve seen.
Iím interested in whatís going to happen next. I want to know what Sirius is going to do thatís going to make Love like him.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review it's very informative and helpful, thank you :) Report Review
i thought this was a great start to a story. very short and very sweet. definitely not a bad thing at all. this introductory chapter gave us all just enough to work off of, to see what is to come, but wasn't overwhelming in what it contained. that's a very very good thing. it's nice when you can find a balance between offering up too much information and hard facts and not giving up enough at all so i'm glad you did this as well as you did. it goes to show that you have a lot more potential than maybe even you realize.
i didn't find this story boring in the least. sure, it was short and i didn't learn a whole lot, but that's to be expected when you are just starting out a story. does that make sense? so to answer your question, no, this kept my full attention and wasn't a pain to read. i rather enjoyed it.
this is very believable so far. at first, i was a little concerned. why is a girl fifteen and just starting out at Hogwarts when she's from America? plots similar to that are usually cliche and overused but this one wasn't at all. it made sense that she was already introduced to the world of magic and that makes me appreciate this story even more. it's good when you make your plot interesting, following the same lines as other stories but yet changing them up a bit to make them completely your own. great job with that.
i think this story is very well-written for this only being the first chapter. it's pretty difficult to tell with this just starting out and all as it usually is but i still think you have a great start to this even with that. your plot has been well introduced and executed and your main character has been sized up and taken it; there isn't anything to complain about.
overall, i thought you did a fantastic job with making this start to a story fun and original. i'm not exactly sure what will become of this as it continues but i see that you have a lot of potential with your writing and are open to trying out new ideas and that should make this a very fun and exciting story for me to read and review. i can't wait to see what else you have.
onto the second chapter.Author's Response: thank you so much for such a great review. I'm so happy that you found it enjoyable. :) Report Review
ďI knew these girls, well I didnít know them personally, but I knew their type.Ē Great line!
I like image of the castle being alive. Thatís something Iíve often thought while reading the books. Good job picking up on that.
I liked the banter between the Ďpopularí girls. So far Lily and Tara are the only two who donít seem entirely conceited. Tara is heading down the Mary-Sue road though. I know sheís supposed to be the clichťd popular airhead girl, but you donít want to take it too far.
I also like that youíve already established something about Siriusí character. Putting it into the dialogue is a good way of telling the reader what heís like without the exposition.
For your areas of concern:
I still donít think itís boring, or poorly written. Like I said before there is room for improvement, but your working on that by trying to get a Beta. It just isnít believable. Report Review
I really like your style. Youíve done a good job portraying Love as your typical teenage girl. Like every girl her age, sheís a little sarcastic and unhappy with her parents. The part about them following the Grateful Dead was good. I like the ex-hippie aspect of them.
You did have a lot of spelling, grammar and wording issues, but I wonít go into those since you already know what Iím talking about.
Itís really nice to see a main character that isnít insanely gorgeous or popular. Love is not a Mary-Sue (so far) and thatís good! Iím glad she has some flaws.
There is a continuity error with the train leaving at one. It leaves at ten (I think) in the book. And where are they leaving from? New York? Where exactly are they living?
Watch the ĎAmerican exchange studentí clichť. Youíve got to be careful with this one. Iím not saying it canít be done, and you certainly have every chance in the world to make it good, but these rarely turn out well. Just be aware of that.
Normally I would say your chapter is too short, but this chapter length works very well with the information given.
I like how you talked about where she had attended school before. I think you should mention this earlier in the chapter though so it doesnít sound like sheís starting out as a first year at age 15.
Which brings me to your first area of concern; this isnít really all that believable in my opinion. The fact that Love is a student from America, and 15 years old when sheís starting Hogwarts, just doesnít strike me as at all possible, especially if youíre going for a canon story. You might be able to pull it off if you go entirely AU with it, but youíve got to be careful either way.
However, this isnít horribly written. Thereís room for improvement (mainly in the spelling and grammar department) but thatís true of any story. And I donít think itís boring.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lovely review, it makes me smile :)
I see your concerns about the train, I probably should have given that more thought and detail, and will son be editing.
I suppose I see your point about the how believable the story is, I don't want to go completely Au with it, though and her parents did go and meet their, which will soon be told, if that holds any credibility. Report Review
Hey glittergirl, icefirelioness here with your review from the forums.
Really sorry it's taken me so long to get around to it - I'm officially a bad person! :(
So normally I don't like to take on OC-centric stories, and in particular I don't like Sirius/OC, so I'll warn you of that before I continue. The reason I took this, by the way, is just because I felt bad for leaving it and not even having said anything. So.
The prologue is fine - not anything particularly special, I'll admit, but fine. Your grammar and spelling do need a lot of work, but you said you're looking for a beta, so I won't go into any detail on the subject.
Apart from grammar and spelling though, my main issue with the story is simply cliche. You haven't turned the OC into a Mary Sue yet, and you've kept it at bay a bit by giving her a good amount of flaws. However, the cliches that are smattered throughout the prologue just make it difficult to read.
I'm very sorry to be harsh, but I think it's necessary for an author to have constructive crit on their work or it will be impossible for them to grow as a writer - I have personal experience with it, and I know for a fact that I'm not a perfect writer, so I'm only saying this from the level that I'm at. :) I hope that makes sense and doesn't make you feel bad.
You obviously have potential, but you need to keep practising and practising; it's the only way to get better.
Good luck!Author's Response: Ha ha your not a bad person I'm the same way, and it means a lot that you even took the time to reviewed especially as you stated before that this is not one of your favorite parings.
I fully understand the clichness of my story because it is quite common, but if written well I've some times enjoy a good cliche, and this story in particular simply can't do with out them. Thank you for your constructive criticism it's is well heard and greatly appreciated :) Report Review
This story is starting to seem a little clichť right now. It seems that you're making out Sirius as a playboy. That is done a lot, Sirius being a womanizer, so you might want to be careful there.
Overall, I think it was quite well written and it's starting to get more interesting. I like how you have Love in hufflepuff and not Gryffindor.
One thing I wanted to know was why was Lily part of the popular group? It seemed sort of out-of-character for her. She seemed kind of none-canon.
Oh, and just a reminder to capatalize people's names. Report Review
I think that this story is interesting so far, even for a prolouge. I think it is pretty well written, and is an interesting idea, though some people might consider a transfer student cliche.
It seems pretty believable so far. Love doesn't seem like a Mary-Sue. She has her faults and quirks, but is still interesting. I can't wait to read more of this story! Good job and keep writing.
(And don't worry, I irresponsibly start WIP's too!)Author's Response: Thank you for such a sweet review :) Report Review
Hello. It's eternalangelkiss from the forums here with your second review.
First I want to say that this chapter is much better. The grammar is better and the development of your main character has brought a uniqueness to her. I love that you have given her a gawky awkwardness and paired it with the perfect, popular girl crowd. I also liked that you branched out and put her in Hufflepuff instead of the usual Gryffindor.
Now for this chapter, I have a feeling that these girls, especially Lily, are going to have a major role to play in this story. Since this is the first chapter we are introduced to these characters, I think there should be more information layered into the scene about them and it could be done subtly. Maybe one of the girls tends to get overexcited and talks over other girls, but is quickly kept in check by Tara. Maybe one of them has a nervous habit or something. Now you don't have to give all the details away about them, but I think a little more will really round out these characters and show the reader the dynamics of the group. We know who the leader is, but who are the lemmings and who are ones who can think for themselves?
As for Lily, I think there should be more information given on your interpretation of her character, since she is the first character that is familiar to the reader. The reader will latch onto her and will wonder why more hasn't been said about her. Why is she apart of this group? What does she really feel about this group? I never got the impression that she was a mean girl or would be apart of the mean girl group, which is the impression I had of the type of group of girls she is apart of. This seems out of character for her. If anyone would be open to the new girl, I would think Lily would be since she doesn't seem to judge people by looks or background or what house they are sorted in.
Another issue I have is that I am starting to see this story lean towards the playboy Sirius cliche that is often in a Marauder fic. Just be careful not to make him too much of a playboy. Too many stories have Sirius a relentless flirt who gets any girl he likes and tosses them aside. You can use the cliche, but give it a different twist of your own and make it unique. Like maybe there are more rumors about him than there is truth. Maybe he doesn't intentionally mean to flirt or he gets a bad reputation because of some exaggerated claims. Maybe girls assume that when he is alone with a girl, he has hooked up with them, when he could just be having a conversation with them. This is something that you could really play with, the theme of what is really the truth and what is the appearance of the truth. These are only suggestions though. Use them if you like.
Other than those few things, I think you did a good job with this chapter. You've given your main character insecurities that most girls can identify with and that is a good thing.
eternalangelkissAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for another review. Not enough detail tends to be one of my weaknesses. I am planning a few more bump ins between love and this group and will make sure to add more detaiuls then.
My characterization of Lily was slightly out of character, I admit. Lily is one of my favorite characters and I assure you I will be looking for new ways to play around with her character.
I openly admit I'm using the playboy Sirius Cliche, at the very least that is his reputation, I do hope to make my story somewhat original though among the many cliches :)
Hello there. It's eternalangelkiss from the forums here for your review.
First, let me say what I liked about this opening chapter. I liked the somewhat antagonistic relationship the mother and daughter seem to have. I think this is a good set up into understanding your main character. I also liked how you gave her and her mother a very alternative background.
Now on to the things I had some questions on. I know you said not to comment on grammar, so I will leave that be. The questions I had had to do with Love herself. First, I wanted to know why she was going to Hogwarts to begin with. I don't think it was very clear as to why she had decided to go to a school that is across the ocean. This brought up a few questions. 1.) If she is so interested in singing and seems more of the artistic type, why would she choose to go to Hogwarts? I was never given the impression that Hogwarts was an artistic type of school. I think you could really play around with idea and give the reader a clear reasoning behind her decision to go. I was also wondering if she is more of a transfer student (a student who goes to a new school and stays there) or an exchange student (someone who goes to a new school for a short period of time and then goes back to their original school.) This could also factor in in her mentality about her new situation. If she is an exchange student, then she wouldn't be thinking of making too lasting of friendships because she knows she will eventually have to leave. These are just some things to think about.
2.) What do her parents do that they could afford to send their daughter to Hogwarts? I would imagine that living abroad would be expensive. So far we know that the mother was a former marijuana user who followed the grateful dead around the country, but not much else was said about her or Love's father. I think if we knew more of the background that Love came from, we as the reader can connect with Love more. Is she a Muggle-born? Is she a pure-blood? Maybe her father is a pure-blood wizard who wanted his daughter to have a more serious education and is heavily in favor of her going to Hogwarts. Or maybe he is a Muggle-born and the mother is the witch. Maybe the father had never accepted Love's ability. These are only suggestions.
Which leads to my next topic. There are a lot of stories in the Marauder's era category where a exchange student (who usually has an unusual name and is from America) comes to Hogwarts and falls in love with Sirius Black. It's fine to write a story like that, but what you need is to have something that will really set this story apart from the rest. I think the way to do that is to really dig into your character and show the reader how unique she really is. At this point in my reading, I'm a little bit more interested in the mother and her alternative lifestyle than I am in the main character. The main reason is that I know more about the mother than I do about the main character. I don't really feel like I know what Love really likes. What are Love's favorite subjects in school? What's her favorite color? Is she a Muggle-born? Does she know a lot about what is happening in England during Voldemort's first war? These are all food for thought for you.
Other than those few things, I think you have a promising start. Love could be a really intriguing character. Good luck with your story.
eternalangelAuthor's Response: Thank you for the through review. I will answer your questions here and will hopefully be able to find a spot to answer them as the story progresses.
1. Love has no idea what she wants. She's really trying to find herself. She does not no if she wants to stay or not. Hogwarts popped out her I think because it was the same school her parents met at and her father, as you'll hear later, has been pressuring her to go for a while now. I'd really like to incorporate in to the story Love's journey of self discovery, through going to Hogwarts.
2.This has topic admittedly has not been as looked in to. Love's parents are both Wizards, who after Hogwarts spent their youth as hippie muggles did at that time period. The Marauders were born in 1960 and are a year older than Love. Love was born in 1961. Basically her parents got out of school and began their way to America, and in the same time had a love child, love. Now they live an almost conservative lifestyle, which is in high contrast to Love's childhood. I imagine her mother working as an woman's rights activist or a barrister, and her farther working for the New york time's ,maybe. I imagine at least one of her parents was from a high class pure blood family, and got involved with the hippie movement to spite their parents.
I totally agree with what your saying, in Love's case I believe she's going through a highly dramatized point in adolescence where she's not sure who she is, and I hope Hogwarts will sort of help her on a path of self discovery.
Thank you again for the lovely review, it has helped me to think more about how exactly I want the story to end up :) Report Review
This was a nice edition to the story. It showed us more of Love's trepidation toward Hogwarts, and her doubts about her decision. This will provide a nice tension throughout the plot.
I could do with a bit more length to get to know the other characters that she meets a bit more. Still, I am glad that you didn't pile on a whole bunch of descriptions and details all at once when characters first appear in a story, like some writers tend to do. The fact that she couldn't remember a lot of their names was a realistic addition. I hate it when characters are introduced to a narrator in a new situation, and they instantly retain all the details about them.
I like that Lily was not mean or pompous like some of the other girls seemed to be, but I expect her to have a bit more say. She seemed to be a fiery young girl in Rowling's flashback and memory scenes, so I wouldn't expect her be called sulky about James in front of everyone and take it so lightly. She would at least have a response. Your idea of a 'popular' crowd is a universal element that everyone is familiar with.
All in all, I am happy with this story and would be eager to read more when you post again. I will surely keep an eye out :)Author's Response: I can see what you mean about Lily and will, in the future, keep her charecter more in mind. Thank you so much for the lovely review, I'm glad you enjoyed it :) Report Review
One pointer: we capitalize names and read through to avoid most mistakes.
Other than that, this is a good chapter, though too Marauder-ful. It is starting to smell of a cliche coming and I'm not liking that. Have her be completely unknown to the Marauders despite all the rumors (such as: she's unable to pin a face to the name or something). Have her find a dorky friend in the Library (a Ravenclaw, maybe?) and draw by the lake a lot.
I hope you don't turn this into romantic mush, but keep it intelligent and captivating! Good luck writing!
AdrielneAuthor's Response: Oh no I'm sorry for my awful grammar and will soon be approving it. I think the chapter I'm currently writing is less cliche, thank god fully. As of right now she is completely unknown to the marauders, and I have kind of taken your idea of friends and morphed them slightly, to what I think seems appropriate and far away from cliche :)
Thank for another lovely review. Report Review
Hello, Adrielne from the review thread here!
How are you on this fine day when I got to begin reading your story, which happily surprised me? "Finally a story about a transfer student with some background information on the person!" I thought to myself. I hope the next chapter proves me right in that!
This is a good starting point for a story. Not too much information so you still have more to uncover as you go along. Make sure you don't turn your story into the cliche "transferred-girl-falls-in-love-with-popular-guy"... I absolutely loathe those (along with many a person, I like to believe).
This transferring will only be as believable as you make it be: have her keep in touch with previous friends, not make new friends (especially the popular guys and the good girls) on her first day. Make her be as in awe of the castle as first years, possibly introduce the little girl who says "shush!" whenever she says a word during the Sorting or the boat ride (like that little ballet class girl in "Step Up 1" - have you seen it?).
I like where this is going. Keep writing and most of all have fun with it! Develop your characters, make them have problems with schoolwork, parents, career choices... Not just love. Make the story captivating by avoiding cliches and being original. Good luck!
I'm fine thankyou,
Oh thank you very much for the helpful review. I'm afraid this story does stand in with the cliche transferred-girl-falls-in-love-with-popular-guy, ha ha but hopefully it will ave a few twists here and their. In my next chapter love is not having many run ins with the popular girls so I am doubting they will be the best ofg friends but I can see them playing an important role in the story. Thankyou for the lovely review :) Report Review
Here to begin your review! Since you said that you were not interested in hearing about any grammatical or spelling issues, I will get right to the point. I really enjoyed this story, and if you have any fear about your ability as a story-teller, have no fear. I see the makings of greatness here :)
Your main character was introduced in a vague, yet realistic fashion. It was nice to hear you describe her in a way that makes her seem very human. She has all of the faults and doubts that any of us carry with us each and everyday. An approachable main character is key in hooking in a reader. If you provide someone they can relate to and understand, you keep them wondering, what is going to happen to this character next?
I also thought you did a nice job in the small interlude with her mother, drawing out clearly the lines of tension that lay between them. At the same time, you showed how quickly we shift between love and hate with our family. How it can happen so many times in the span of a few heartbeats.
I think that this is a very believable story so far. I have always wondered about magical institutions in America, being an American, myself. I think a magical school of the arts is very plausible. I do think that they would have more, well, magical arts, besides singing and acting. Perhaps you could give future references to more magical arts. Such as, magical instruments, magical light shows in the twilight sky, magical paintings that shift and move like photographs...That would be intriguing. All in all, I was impressed with this fic, and will be reading more shortly with reviews to follow. Thank you for your request :)Author's Response: Thank you thank you so much for such a nice review. I met end up stealing a few of your art ideas later at this chapter I was focusing more on Love who is their of course for singing and acting. :) Report Review
I don't think I mentioned in my last review that I like how you put quotes in the beginning of the past two chapters! (: I enjoyed this chapter far more than the first one (though not much happened). I learned more about Love's character! A drama geek, huh? Cool!
There were much less grammar mistakes in this chapter, but you are still missing some commas here and there. I recommend you go back and check over this chapter for them! Or if you get a beta, show them this chapter so they can work their magic on it (:
~foundriapenguinAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for a second review. I'll make sure to add much more excitement in the third chapter. :) Report Review
Hello! This is Foundriapenguin from the forums.
You have a good start here and you cover all the grounds for an introduction. But I really really encourage that you get a beta for this story by going to the Beta Needed forum. You often leave out necessary punctuation and you mess up your homonyms sometimes. Also, you continually spell "father" wrong, spelling it "farther" instead. I hope you don't think I'm being mean because I'm really not :O I strongly recommend that you have others look over your story.
I can see the makings of a great story under the wrappings, but you need to tear off the wrapper that says "Grammar" and the one that says "Spelling" first! That will tremendously make this story better than it already is :D
~foundriapenguinAuthor's Response: Ha ha thank you, no I'm aware that my grammar completely stinks, and I am looking for a beta. It just takes so long to get my chapters validated so I tend to put another to put another one in before I edit. Ugg father I know my English teachers hate me for that one. Anyways thank you for the feedback it's tremendously helpful. :) Report Review
You have writen it well for the most part, there is only two things that I think need your attention is the get this beta'd- which you said that you are and also you might want to make the next chapter longer, like have more than one thing happen in them, I like chapters that have two diffrent things happen at the same time, other than that this story is coming along well. You could even drop hints about what the main thing that well play out in this story before it even starts or before Love figures out what is happening. I did enjoy the way you portrayed the 'popular' girls. Hope this helped if not just let me know if I can give you any help in the futureAuthor's Response: Thank you so much, it's very helpful. :) I will definitely take your views in to account for the next chapter. Report Review
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