Hello! Here with a very late QTR review!
I really loved your take on this. Lily's thoughts while she was studying have to be my favorite part. It was spot on, and it was a bit comedic too, to be honest, because you could really tell how focused she was on her studies which then made her a bit Hermione~ish xD She did seem like a really "good girl" especially with the bedtime watching and wanting to report James.
I also really love how Lily wasn't screaming at James the entire time. That always irks me in Marauder era stories. There's no reason she can't be perfectly civil to him, and there's no reason she has to be yelling at him everytime she sees him. All your interactions in this were great.
I think you wrote a lovely first chapter that grabbed my attention for this story!
-Naida Report Review
Seriously, when is James going to stop being lovey-dovey about that Jennifer girl, and fall for Lily again?? She is the best! Please tell me :DAuthor's Response: Ha ha ha! Well I can't make any promises about when that will happen but I can tell you James is going to feature a lot more heavily in the next several chapters so I hope that will keep you going for now! Report Review
I love the dynamics in this chapter, just Lily's interactions with Remus, James, and Peter seem so naturally played out. I think you did a great job characterizing Lily, and I especially like your take on James and Mary. The chapter was well written and flowed smoothly and the dialogue was very natural (something I always have trouble with :) )
Great job!!Author's Response: Hey hpgrl, thank you for the lovely review! It's great to hear that you thought the interactions were good. I always try to make dialogue sound realistic. Report Review
Wow..this story is really amazing =D I absolutely love it =D You write so amazingly =D I can't wait for more =D =D
10/10 =DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much caomoyl! I'm so glad you like it and I hope you'll keep reading. :) Report Review
I thought you did very well with this as an opening chapter!
You introduced the characters well, they were realistic and well developed and written. I didn't find any mistakes, grammar or otherwise and I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter!
I was very intrigued as to what James was doing and may read more when i get a chance :)
I thought you did very well with this, well done :)
Hannah xAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the lovely review, Hannah! I'm so glad you liked it. :) It's great to hear you liked the characterisation because it's really important to me to get it right. I hope you will keep reading and let me know what you think :D Thanks again! Report Review
Your story is brilliant. I'm sorry I didn't review any other chapters, I was to entranced to take a break.
Your story is much different in that James doesn't seem to be slobbering all over himself for Lily, which to me, is much more realistic. I love that you included some romancing bits between Lily and Sev, very sweet, if not awkward.
As well, thank you, soo much for including Peter in your story. It drives me absolutely insane when marauders era stories just forget his existence. He was one of their best friends and was a major part of the story.
I hope to read more soon!Author's Response: Thanks very much for reviewing! Hehe, I'll take that as a compliment :D
I love that you found that realistic. I'm hoping it's going to be much more fun building up to Lily and James's relationship when he isn't asking her out every two seconds.
I'm planning to give Peter a big part in the story, and I hope I can give him the attention he should get.
Thanks again for reviewing! I hope I'll hear from you again :) Report Review
Well, this chapter was really interesting! I am by no means a fan of Snape/Lily, but I don't mind it at all when it's written the way you did in this chapter. I think it's likely that they probably had some kind of "moment" like this at some point, and you wrote it brilliantly. The last few paragraphs had me right on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what would happen.
Anyway, here I am at the last posted chapter! I'm probably repeating myself, but this story was really a pleasure to read. It's unique from many other stories in the same genre, and your writing is so fluid that it's easy to get completely wrapped up in it. Throughout the story, I really felt like I was in Lily's shoes, seeing everything from her perspective, which is really a mark of your skill as a writer. It's a great story so far, and I hope you continue writing it! Report Review
Haha, it made me giggle a bit when they were talking about THE cloak, and Lily thought they were just worrying about making a fashion statement. Her mirror plan seems to be working a bit better now, although as with any good mystery, she's still not putting the pieces together fully yet. At least now she can try to stake them out when they use the Floo Powder to listen in on Dumbledore's meeting.
I thought this line was interesting: James's voice suddenly entered into the mix and Lily's pulse sped up. Well, of course it did: she was about to hear them explain this grand plan of theirs to James. It just lends itself to what I said in the last review about subtlety!
I do feel bad for Lily, having to live in a dormitory where she doesn't get along really well with the others sharing it. It does seem more realistic to me that way, given how close she was with Snape, but I still felt bad for her when the other girls were teasing her. Report Review
Well, I'm glad that no harm came to Lily! At least in the physical sense--after that walk up to the castle with James, I think her pride may have been injured. I really like that you had James accusing her of being a snob. It's a nice change from many other Marauders-Era stories where James worships the ground Lily walks on and never has an ill thought against her. Everyone has unattractive qualities, and it's nice to see James recognizing one in Lily.
And on another James/Lily aspect of this story, I really loved the scene where she saw him looking at Jennifer, because she didn't come away from it fuming with jealousy or having some dramatic realization of her suppressed love for James. At the same time, it does plant the seed for her to start having feelings for him at some point. You've written their relationship so subtly, and it's really nice to read! Report Review
Yikes, the whole time Lily was following them out of the school, I just knew what she was going to run into! You've written her with such an interesting personality that really shines through in situations like this chapter, where she's determined to go tell Professor McGonagall about what's happening, but instead decides to follow Peter and Sirius. She really does want to follow the rules, I think, but her curiosity gets the best of her!
Now to jump to the other side of that cliffhanger! Report Review
Lily's realization about James not changing his socks every day made me laugh. :D Too bad the mirror isn't really helping her out much at this point, but hopefully it will later on.
I'm curious as to why Remus wouldn't go with her to Slughorn's party. At first I thought that maybe the boys had some kind of mischief planned for Saturday afternoon, and that Lily was going to suspect it and follow them, but after reading to the end of the chapter, I decided it was probably because he didn't want to upset James. He was probably a bit terrified, thinking that somehow Lily had started liking him! :P Report Review
I like how this story seems to be just as much about the friendship between Lily and Severus as it is about her solving a mystery. This chapter really seemed to get to the heart of the problems between them--namely, that Severus wants to become a Death Eater. It was interesting to see Lily ask him to back out of it and then him refuse to agree to do so. I've always thought that was really the big question about Snape: if he loved Lily so much, why didn't he stop?
I also liked the part where Lily broke into the boys' dormitory, especially the assumptions she formed based on their cleanliness. :P That was a smart plan to switch the mirrors, and it was also neat because it explained how the mirrors had come to exist in the first place. Report Review
Lily is really stepping into the detective shoes now! This was a pretty action-filled chapter; I was so convinced that they were going to burst into that bathroom and find her. The boys are certainly putting up a good fight against her sleuthing skills, and it's going to be interesting to see how Lily adapts to their advanced methods of sneaking around. It's certainly not going to be easy for her to figure out what they're up to.
Again, I really like the way you portray Remus. He's fully involved in the mischief, and really doesn't seem to feel guilty about lying to Lily or breaking rules. It makes him a much more interesting character. Report Review
In addition to James not being obsessed with Lily, I also really like that Lily's immediate reaction when she finds out James is dating another girl isn't livid jealousy. It makes her seem like a real person and not some kind of caricature with emotions swinging back and forth from one extreme to another.
It's interesting that she and Severus are kind of becoming friends again. I feel like it's sort of a glimpse into what their friendship would have been like before they had their falling out. Lily's thought about laughing with him after the confrontation with his friends really made me think of that, because she probably would have had to do a lot of that in the past. I don't think I've read too many stories that really focus on their friendship, so it's neat to read one that does. Report Review
I feel like I'm repeating myself, but the conversation between Lily and Snape sounded very authentic. I just can't imagine that they would shift from best friends to completely despising one another, and you write their relationship in a very nuanced way.
Now, somehow I'm thinking that this detention situation is going to lead Lily to unraveling a bit more of her mystery...I guess I'll have to go on to the next chapter to find out! Report Review
I just realized something that's unique about this story...James isn't completely obsessed with Lily! It's really nice to read him portrayed that way. I feel like he's much more human here than I've seen him in a lot of stories.
I'm also really intrigued at how you're including the Marauder's Map. It's a standby of all Marauders-Era stories, of course, but very few explore how it was actually created. It seems like such complex magic, and I would find it intimidating to write about, but you're doing it really nicely. Report Review
Lily's disregard for the established rules in this chapter really reminded me of Harry. I like that her determination to see the boys brought to justice supersedes her desire to abide by the rules. I like picturing Lily as someone with a bit of a mischievous side, rather than a straight-laced do-gooder.
The second half of the chapter was pretty tension-filled, especially with the cliffhanger at the end! I was as shocked as some of those students when James and Sirius swore at Professor Flitwick. :P Poor him. It's interesting that Lily's been implicated somewhat, and I have a feeling it's going to be pretty difficult for James and Sirius to do whatever they wanted to do in Dumbledore's office while Lily is with them. Report Review
Oooh, the plot thickens! Of course, having read the HP books, it's not too much of a mystery to the reader what the boys were doing, but it's interesting to see Lily trying to figure it out. The part where they realized she was right next to them made me laugh. She seems to be pretty quick on her feet, which is always nice in the protagonist of a mystery story. :P
Once again, I think your style of writing is really nice. It makes me feel completely immersed in Lily's thoughts and actions. You've made her a really relatable character, too; so many of the things that she says or does are things that I've said or done myself!
Great chapter; on to the next!Author's Response: Hi again Penny! I promise I'll get round to replying to all your lovely reviews eventually :P It's really fun making Lily so clueless while the reader knows exactly what's going on. I'm so happy that you can relate to Lily. I'm trying to make her seem like a normal girl. Thank you again for another wonderful review. Report Review
I really like the way you write Remus! He seems very much like he is in the books--kind of introverted and quiet, but not necessarily a perfect student. The fact that he's taking NEWT-level Care of Magical Creatures was a nice moment of dramatic irony.
There's also something really authentic about they way you've portrayed Snape and Lily's relationship in this chapter. It's different from how I see most people write it, and that's quite nice to find when so many people tend to write characterizations and interactions the same way.
Another lovely read! (I hope these reviews don't seem ridiculously short! It's actually been a while since I did much reviewing, and I feel a bit out of practice at it...)Author's Response: Thank you Penny! Remus is one of my favourite characters in the series so I really want to get him right. I thought Care of Magical Creatures might be a subject close to his heart so I'm glad you picked up on that. :) I'm so happy you liked my version of Lily and Snape's relationship, too. It's so complicated and there are many directions we can take it when we write about it. I'll be honest and say that I'm not writing what I truly think happened - I think Lily would have severed all ties with him after the 'Mudblood' incident - but it's fun to throw them together and see what happens.
Your reviews aren't short at all! I love reviews of any length, to be honest, but yours are definitely a decent length! Report Review
Happy Belated Valentine's Day from your fellow 'Claw and staffer! :D This story really jumped out at me on your author's page, partially because I'm a big fan of Marauders-Era stories, and partially because it seemed really unique.
My favourite part of this first chapter was the way you wrote Lily's thoughts as she was studying--it sounded all too familiar to me. ;) You also did a nice job at planting a sense of mystery with Lily's curiosity about what the boys were up to.
Don't freak out as I say this, but I can tell that you wrote this durig NaNo--but not because it's poor quality or anything like that! It just has this very fluid quality to it that is really grounded in Lily's mind. It's a nice effect and very relaxing to read.
On to chapter two!Author's Response: Hi, Penny, and thanks so much for reviewing! It honestly made my day to see all these lovely reviews from you. :) I'm sorry for taking a while to respond.
It's so wonderful that you think it's unique! That's definitely what I was trying for.
That's really interesting about the flow. It never occurred to me that writing quickly because of NaNo might actually have a positive effect on my writing! Let's hope you still think that after ten chapters of rambling... Report Review
Awesome!!! Pleaseee update soon! ;DAuthor's Response: Thanks very much for reviewing! I will keep the updates coming as fast as I can :) Report Review
LOVED it. your writing is so good! it makes me feel like j k rowling's writing it again :) please upload soon!Author's Response: Thank you for the kind review! That's such a nice thing to say :) I'll try to keep the updates regular from now on. Report Review
Hello there! This was a very interesting first chapter. For one thing, you portrayed James very well, he was just as clever as I imagined him. Although I would expect he and Lily to be going at each other's heads more, perhaps. Remus also seemed himself, and I liked the idea that as fellow prefects he and Lily were on good terms.
Honestly, my favorite part of the chapter was when you described the seating arrangements by the fire. It was fascinating, and completely spot on, the way the seventh years got first dibs, then the Quidditch team, then the prefects. Makes perfect sense, but it's not the type of detail many writers think of!
The only thing that nagged at me a bit was the huge bedtime issue. I get it, there's a curfew, but Lily seemed really worried about it. Was McGonagall coming in? The Head Girl? I just wanted to know what clock she was fighting against.
You had a really great flow going throughout, it was definitely an enjoyable read. I only spotted one tiny grammar mistake:
feeling a swell a gratitude --> should be a swell of gratitude?
Otherwise, brilliant job. Can't wait to see what James is up to!Author's Response: Hey, LLLB, thanks so much for a really nice and honest review. It's great to hear which bits of the chapter worked and which bits I need to look at again to improve them.
I'm glad you liked James. You're probably right that there should be some more friction between them. I was scared of making it too much like other marauders' stories where they are screaming at each other every time they're in the same room, but maybe I made them a bit too civil. In my mind, things had settled down a little since their fifth year: James was less arrogant, so Lily did not get as angry at him as she did in the canon scenes. I'll definitely include a bit more James/Lily confrontation later on, and try to show why they may or may not be getting along better.
I liked the bit about the seating arrangements too :) I always wondered how Harry and his friends got such good seats in the books!
I definitely see what you mean about the bedtime issue, I think I was putting too much emphasis on it for reasons that would be important later on in the story. The idea was that yes, McGonagall might check on them and the prefects were meant to enforce the bedtimes, but I probably didn't make that clear enough.
Thanks again for the incredibly helpful review! Report Review
Awww... I really enjoyed this. You've written the Marauders and Lily exactly as I imagine them. I am also glad that you didn't write Lily as stuck up as people usually make her.
I cannot believe that Lily mistook the Marauder's map (that's what is in James' pocket, isn't it?) for studying material. xD She has noo idea what James is up to. :DD
Anyways, your writing is really nice and I am wondering what exactly Lily will "investigate". I think that after the snowball fight I will be coming back to read it all. I am definitely interested. Good job!
HarleyAuthor's Response: Sorry for the late response time, Harley. Thank you so much for the nice review :)
I'm definitely trying to show a different side of Lily and it's great to get some feedback on her. You're right, it was the Marauder's map (and the cloak), I'm glad that was obvious because I wasn't sure. Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
First of all, I want to give you a giant THANK YOU for your inclusion of Peter, and for characterizing him as something more than an annoying, sniveling coward. It always annoys me when people seem to forget that he was a Marauder too, no matter what he ended up as.
Lily's characterization seems pretty spot on as well. I don't read a whole lot of Marauder's Era, but this seems like a really interesting introduction. I must say that I am intrigued and will probably be coming back to read more. I really want to know what James is up to. Something tells me that he's not going off to study...Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! (and sorry for the very very late reponse). I really want to give Peter a big part in the story and show his good qualities as well as what might have made him turn bad. I hope I can do him justice.
I'm really happy you like how I'm writing Lily. I'm trying to keep her close to the canon version of her that we saw but without including the usual cliches. I hope you'll keep reading and let me know how the story is turning out :) Report Review
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