magnificent. absolutle perfection in every single solitary way. Report Review
I like your idea for this very much, but I think you could work on it to make it even better. I don't think the "*Tomorrow* " are necessary. The reader should be able to figure out those things for themselves, and I thought it was pretty clear. Also, you switch between 1st and 3rd person, which makes it a bit hard to read, it would be clearer and flow smoother if you tried to stay in one or the other. I love the letter Scorpius gave Rose with their Essay. I think you could add a bit more to the part where you explain what happened/ what Scorpius' Dad said to make him break up with Rose. I understand what happened but more info would be great. Like why did he say it now? Did he just find out about their relationship? Over all I really liked reading this!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: thanks for the constructive help. I don't see what you mean by switching between first and thrid person. I took out the time updates like *tomorrow*. i like the letter as is. Report Review
I'm sorry to say this but this is complete crap. Your capitalization is completely off throughout the entire fic. Example: Rose Just leaned in and kissed him passionately. What's up with the random capitalization of the J in just? Or this: "Show me that you aren't Over me," said Rose. The capital O in over! It's not supposed to be there! There's about one of these mistakes in every sentence so I strongly suggest you re-edit the whole thing.
Your punctuation has somehow disappeared, and you fluctuate between past and present tense. Please stick to one, instead of constantly switching. Your characters need far more development, even though it's only a one-shot.
One part that particularly bothers me is:
They sat there well Rose ate. It was silent.
"I finished our essay." said Scorpius
"You did. Can I see? " said Rose
"Sure." said Scorpius
And then after that it switches to Rose and Scorp's detention. What happened to Rose looking at the essay? It just doesn't make much sense. And the detention! *shudders*. You didn't write /why/ Rose decided to forgive Scorpius. It just seems like they randomly kiss and makeup. And you never properly explained just why the two of them decided to break up. All I got was something Scorp's dad supposedly said.
More description would improve everything greatly. Oh, and another part that kind of bothers me:
Scorpius leaned in and kissed Rose passionately. Then he leaned away.
"Are you over me?" said Scorpius
Rose Just leaned in and kissed him passionately.
I see two "kissed passionately"s. To avoid repetition please try and think of other words for "kissing passionately".
I'm sorry for leaving such a negative review but these things must be said. The plot is good but your writing needs to be improved. And it's JK Rowling, not JK Roweling.Author's Response: Hopefully, I fixed all the problems. I like your review it was constructive, not that negetive. I made me want to fix it. Some times I need to hear were the flaws are. So thank you. Report Review
you can't even spell "said" right? this is crap.it'd be a lot better if you a) had a hella lot better plot.b) could spell even SAID right.and c) had a lot more belivable characters.howevever, i do like the general idea of it...i would just really rework with it a few more times mkay?Author's Response: thanks for the review. It was extremely help full. Report Review
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