oh my goodness I don't know why it took me over a year to realize you updated. I'm sad it's only been one chapter but i was just as happy to read more. I cannot describe to you how much i love this story. It's the innovative nature of it all and I love it. I really hope you'll continue. No matter how long it takes I will still be here.
You're writing is also pretty darned good haha. i can tell it's well thought out Report Review
Ooh, new love interest! I like Clio already.
Sorry this is short, I really want to see what comes next! Report Review
Awww, I like the little side story of Duke's crush on Sigrid. Makes him seem much more like a regular 16-year-old to see him panting to impress her and worrying over his looks. I'd like to get to know Ivan a little better--so far, he seems like the more level-headed, quiet and brainy of the two, but there isn't too much detail or definition to his personality as yet.
Also, I'm curious to see what role "Nimbus" plays in the naming of Ivan's and Duke's future broom company! Nice detail there. Another excellent chapter! ^_^ Report Review
Whew! I'm starting to see a few more of Deucalion's faults here (how do you pronounce that by the way? Duke-A-Leon?). He's definitely more than a bit arrogant and a little greedy. I did like the way he and Ivan dealt with Abraxas though when he tried to buy Lucius' way onto the team. Like son, like father I suppose!
I'm definitely looking forward to seeing Ivan and Deucalion at Hogwarts, and meeting a few more of their friends. Glad you seem to be taking your time with the fic though--the pace is nice, not too fast and not too slow. Also, your grammar and writing style is excellent. Nice use of vocabulary, I like that you rarely repeat words and phrases in your descriptions.
Anyway, looking forward to the next chapter! 10/10 Report Review
I found this via the "Original Idea" recommendation thread on the forums, and I'm so glad I did! It's definitely original--I've never read anything about the founders of the Nimbus company before. You've done a wonderful job with characterization as well, both Ivan and Deucalion seem like very three dimensional, complex individuals. I like that they are Slytherins...it presents a completely new view of the house to me, one that I haven't considered before. Both boys seem to display typical "Slytherin" characteristics, like secretiveness, ambition and the ability to manipulate people, but not in a negative way. I also thought it was interesting that Ivan's father was so down on Slytherins...I'm guessing that he was in a different house? Great to see how the biases and stereotypes also function in the reverse direction.
Anyway, I love where this is headed. 0n the the next chapter! Report Review
Awesome chapter. If Duke could only see it. Girls are easy to understand. all he needs to do is find one he likes and treat her with the same care and respect he would show for his favorite broom. I'll bet he doesn't have trouble coming up with loving words to say to it. Happy writing. Report Review
There are so few original stories on this website that I'm always pleasantly surprised when I stumble onto a story with such a refreshing plot as this one. For once, this isn't a story about love or heartbreak or treason or anything like that; it's about broomsticks, and it's pretty brilliant if I do say so myself.
I'll get the few nit-picky things out of the way, first:
- in the sentence, "Clearly, she only considered him responsible only in dealings with broomsticks", you use the word 'only' twice, which sounds a bit repetitive. It'd probably be best to cut one of them out.
- in the last part of the sentence, "He’d received loads of post from the league teams practically begging him to leave school early and become a professional player, to which his mother, the well-educated Healer, disagreed to immediately", the "to" before "which" seems a bit unnecessary since you already have "disagreed to" later on in the phrase. I think it might sound smoother as, "He’d received loads of post from the league teams practically begging him to leave school early and become a professional player, which his mother, the well-educated Healer, disagreed to immediately", without that first "to".
- in the sentence, "There was a certain amount of prestige prestige as well, since almost everyone in Slytherin had parents of some wealth or social importance", you repeated prestige twice on accident ;)
Those are about all the silly mistakes I saw in this chapter. On the whole, this is extremely well-written and you can really tell that you put a lot of time and effort into writing this. All of your sentences seem almost perfectly constructed, and the words flow almost effortlessly. I know that, sometimes, I struggle with balancing dialogue and description, but here it feels like you've achieved just the right amount of background information and plot. This almost feels like it was actually part of the books - a backstory that J.K. Rowling might tell us. Yeah, your writing is that good to me (:
Another thing that I really loved about this was your beginning sentences. I'm a huge fan of sentences that hook readers into stories and, while I normally when authors use abhor lengthy descriptions, I think you've done a really fantastic job here. Your description of the store and Diagon Alley was so unique, and it had a certain quirkiness to it that makes your writing style seem memorable. I really enjoyed that.
Additionally, I like your characters so far. Obviously there hasn't been much time for characterization and whatnot, but somehow you've managed to tell me a lot about these two boys without telling me anything at all. That probably sounds confusing but, for example, I liked Deucalion's description of Ivan and how he says that he notes the similarity between father and son with their scowls. That says a lot about how perceptive Deucalion is, and it also says a lot about Ivan that he doesn't like to hear that. It's only really good authors who can take small details like that and twist them to actually show something about the characters.
I also really liked how you made the Deucalion not ashamed about being in Slytherin. It's rare to read a story that doesn't have evil Slytherins in it - especially one that's not Next-Generation - so it's nice that you did that. I like being able to see the other side of the story, since, obviously, Slytherins don't consider themselves evil. They have house pride just like everyone else, and it'll definitely be interesting to see it in action.
The only critique I really have for you, except for the nit-picky things, is that I feel like this chapter ended somewhat abruptly. It's almost as though there should be another sentence after Ivan's response to his Father, something to say how they left his Father and headed off to wherever. Or maybe I'm just being silly. It's up to you, anyway :P
I'm definitely interested in seeing what happens next; this story is really intriguing. Good job! (:
Cherry Bear Report Review
Laws Prohibiting Referee Damage and Disfigurement, ha! I love the rules for brooms, honestly, it's just like Muggle product warnings. "Caution: Food will be hot after heating." No, really?!
They need a financier. Seems like doing experiments on the current broomsticks might be helpful - is reverse-engineering legal in the UK? - and for buying supplies for new brooms.
I like the continued backdrop of the Slytherin attitude toward Muggles in this chapter. I love the broomstick invention storyline, but I'm glad you've appropriately set it in the whole HP universe of prejudice and the timeline and such. Nicely done.
How many Malfoys are there? Three? It's unusual to see a story set pre-Marauders that featured multiple Malfoys.
I really love Ivan in this chapter. Duke is a great character, but there's something about Ivan for me :) Report Review
I don't know why I'm so entranced by the idea of a story about two guys inventing the world's best broomstick. I'm really not a sporty type. But it's so fascinating. I get the same lovely feeling of history from this story that I get from reading works of history. Despite this being invented history in fanfiction, you are pulling off the sense of a historic moment, and I love that.
Is Professor Binns still alive? I love when people write him still alive.
Arthur and Molly! They're my favorite couple, I'm glad they're making an appearance in your story. And Ludo Bagman!
Clio's mom makes me laugh. Posters of a Quidditch player all over the house, how funny. I like her as a character, she adds a nice element to the story and is a good foil for Duke. Love the Quodpot discussion they have. Report Review
Duke's mocking of Lockhart shows off his Slytherin qualities quite well I think. I like that Ivan is the prefect rather than Duke. I think it would've been a little too perfect if Duke had been. I also like seeing a smart Slytherin, I might add - forgot to mention it last chapter. He could almost be a Ravenclaw ;)
I really love how obsessed with Quidditch Duke and Ivan are. They've studied team histories so much and know obscure details of teams from 120 years ago, it's just so cool. Such a neat facet of their characters and the story.
Lucius and Selwyn are such jerks. Gah! I think you really nailed Lucius's character at this age.
Is that Bellatrix laughing behind Selwyn while he hints about killing Muggleborns? Nice.
I love that Duke and Ivan, though quite Slytherin-y, are not evil. It really is a refreshing change. there was nothing clever about outright violence. Fantastic line.
Ah, Slughorn. Loved the interaction between him and McGonagall, brief though it was.
I can't wait to see how they make a broom. Report Review
Well, I see that I reviewed the first three chapters of this, but not the rest, so I'm re-reading.
First I wanted to say that I was so glad to see you were continuing this story! I hope you finish it. It's so original and so well-written.
Now for this chapter:
I think I've said it before, but I really love the names you choose for your OCs. They sound so very wizard-ish. And they really fit the characters and the time period. It's nice to see a story with a not-evil Slytherin, too.
I like Duke's status as a celebrity at Hogwarts. I think it will tie in nicely with his founding of a popular broom company. It's a small detail that meshes nicely, and it really fills out your story, makes it breathe and live.
Nimbus the incompetent owl! Not all of them can be perfect message delivery systems I suppose. Those kinds of little details are some of my favorite parts of stories.
Loved this chapter. On to the next :) Report Review
Yes another review.
Here I was thinking that Ivan and Deucalion would end up missing the train due to their Quidditch obsession. That was not the case.
Just a couple grammer mistakes but, you know that didn't really take away from the story. This story is still very unique, and I love the fact that Abraxus was trying to pay to get Lucius on the team. Just as in the future he did to Draco (although when Lucius bribed the syltherin team it actually worked to get Draco on.)
I can't wait to see the two friends at hogwarts. Report Review
And the plot thickens...
Anyway so I just had a question pop into my head. How does Deucalion have all this money? I know most sixteen year old boys have about twenty dollars in their name...anyway I'm sure you have a clear explantaion for it that I am missing. This story is getting more interesting by the minute! I am for sure going to keep reading!
P.S How do you pronounce that poor boys name? Duec-cal-ion? Thats what I'm thinking in my brain. so, yeah.Author's Response: Hey Hailey!
I'm finally back into writing my story here, so I'll answer some questions. Duke's earned some money playing Quidditch during the holidays, but his family is pretty wealthy considering his dad is one of the top international referees.
Now as far as pronunciation is concerned, it's something like this: Doo-KAY-lee-uhn. If that makes sense phonetically. Hope that helps and thanks for reading! Report Review
I started to read this story, and so far it has been great. No action packed start, but you have a nice writing style, that kept me interested. I am going to keep reading and reviewing so by review number six you most likely be sick of me.
I also think it's refreshing that these two friends are in slytherin, and like quidditch, unlike most authors you didn't take the easy route and make them be gryffindor characters. I'm going to read the other chapters right now :) Report Review
Ah! i'm at the last current chappter and now i'm just going to spiral into a deep depression that will only be cured if you posst a new chapter. pleaseAuthor's Response: Ah, the depression can be lifted! I finally submitted a new chapter. More to follow. Thanks for reading (and enjoy and reviewing)! Report Review
nimbus?! i just love this story and i'm getting closer to chapter six! you should update soon so i won't have to be depressed for to long Report Review
on to the next one! i'm excited for this malfoy tension (i can never get enough malfoy tension lol) Report Review
man this is really getting exciting for me, and its odd cuz i normally don't read fanfic with out most of the main original characters but i just can't seem to resist thinking about this story. but i'm worried cuz even though i keep reading there is steadily becoming less for me to read Report Review
i'm really liking this story so far. and the reasons the Duke likes slytherin are the exact same reasons why i like it Report Review
Wow! I'm loving this story :) it's really refreshing to read about something and some people completly different but with familiar charcters :) I absolutly love Duke! and Clio sounds great too. Looking forward to more already, i wonder how the rest of Duke's house will react to his tolerantion of a certain Gryffindor? :) PG
P.S I heard about this story fromt he Story Seekers podcast, i really hope other people check this story out too :)Author's Response: I'm so glad you learned about The Fasted Yet from the podcast. I was so excited to get the story mentioned! I like having younger cameos of the "older parents" from the books. It's fun to write because the characters obviously don't need to be true to their 45-year-old forms.
If I have time, I have ideas for lots of different Duke and Ivan-related sagas, so here's wishing for time! Thanks again for the review. I appreciate it. Report Review
I like this, it's different then any other stories that I've read here at HPFF. It's unique and it's definitely piqued my interest. Keep up the great writing.Author's Response: I'm glad you've enjoyed the story so far! I hope to get up the next chapter pretty soon. I'm about halfway through, I think. Report Review
Clio is awesome! he's finally a freind with a Gryffindor! I get the feelingthis won't be their only encounter. keep up the good work. Happy writing.Author's Response: Thank you for all the reviews! I really appreciate it! Chapter Six was quite fun to write because I got to introduce a bunch of characters that we only see as adults in the HP books. The Weasleys had to make an appearance at some point, one of the many joys of writing in this time period. Report Review
How to make wood fly. sounds simple enough. Right? loved the tension that took place ove the whole pure-blood issue. I couldn't help but think how funny it would be for Duke and Ivan to request to be transfered to Hufflepuff instead of Slythering to gt out of that threatening issue. it would leave the Slytherin scrambling to pull a quidditch team together. Meanwhile, Duke and ivan can completely revolutionize the Hufflepuff team and make them the new quidditch powerhouse. oh well. I can't wait to find out how the new broom flies for him. Happy writing.Author's Response: That's an interesting thought indeed! I'd guess Duke and Ivan would feel too superior to be in Hufflepuff. Hahaha! There's that old Slytherin superiority, even if they can't stand some fellow members and their beliefs. They'll have to find a way to deal with the Malfoys. If they've put up with them for five years, two more should be fine. Hopefully. Report Review
Oh. a little romance. don't worry Duke. you'll get the girl. right? happy writing. Report Review
Nice. Now fly that broom. Did he get a dud? happy writing. Report Review
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