Gah, I thought this was finished, that'll teach me to read the description more carefully! I really, really want to know what happens so please update soon, you've done a great job building suspense and curiosity in this chapter. More soon please! Report Review
Hello! I really do love where this is going! Is there any chance that you'll be continuing? I'm still available for beta, if you would like me to continue =)
-Isabelle Report Review
I'm sure you know by now that I'm a first impression person. Although your beginning wasn't flashy with fireworks and loud music, it had the same effect on me. You painted such a beautiful picture for me there, that I just lost myself in the page. Seeing Oliver standing alone in the stadium is just... such great imagery. You really pulled that off nicely and put me into the scene. Great job on that. Wonderfully done.
I actually really like that not much happened here. This kind of has the same effect as a first-person story that starts off 'Hi, my name is SomethingCliche and this is my story!" except this one has so much more taste. I respect this as an opening chapter, whereas the aforementioned opening would not sit well with me. I like that you had only two characters in this chapter. It's important to not overwhelm your readers with too many people at once, and you took this one nice and slow. Thanks ^_^
The characterization of Oliver is pretty good, but that of Fiddel is much more interesting if you ask me. You have him described so perfectly that I could just see him there, talking to Oliver. You used the perfect words to describe him to us, too. Like telling us that he still wore those glasses with thick lenses. It's a cliche that writers wear glasses like that, but it worked really well here. And I love that he called Oliver 'pretty boy'. I think that one little line added a lot of depth to his character and it told us more about him.
Great job! Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: TwilightPrincess,
thank you so much for this amazing review. I'd first like to apologize for how long it has taken me to respond. I want it to be known that I appreciate the time you took to write this review and I hope I haven't annoyed you with my delayed response.
Fiddel actually became my favorite character to write and I was even thinking of doing a spin-off after I finish this story. I'm glad to find others enjoy him as much as me.
Thank you again for the review!!!
♥ OneoftheWeasleys Report Review
My inner editor is turned on at high gear tonight, so i hope you don't think i'm being too harsh. I am in this odd mood. But anyway. I have some nitpicking first.
HERE: "It had been another great game: every pass had been perfect, every catch spot on, and the saves of the opposing teams goals had been plentiful."
I think it would look better if you said: "It had been yet another perfect game (the wording sounds better there): Every pass had been caught (better choice), every single catch was spot on, and the save sof the opposing teams shots (you mean shots there? Not goals. ha) had been saved (i think saved is a better wording than plentiful. plentiful means like a lot.)
here- "He had stepped up and showed his teammates and fans he was there for them."
It would be better if you said: "He had stepped up to the plate, and showed his teamates and his (you forgot the word his) fans that he was capable. (He was there for them? how can he be there for his fans? i just think the wording is a little off there.)
here:"His hands were shoved deep within his pockets as so many thoughts consumed his mind."
- get rid of the word: so
consumed- is not the right adjective. I would say: whirled around his mind, or filled his mind would work better
Here: "He never thought he would get to this point, where he was one of the top players of the league, and admired by many for what he had accomplished. "
He never would have thought that one day, he would be where he was standing now. He was one of the top players in the league, and was admired by many fans and spectators for what he had acomplished.
There are other things i could point out to you, i'm in a major inner editor mode right now. I apologise for being so harsh. This definitely is a great start. I'm just trying to help you make it wonderful!Author's Response: No need to worry about being harsh, I appreciate all of the help you could give me. I agree with some of the sentence changes (I think I'm going to keep that first sentence the same). But again, thank you so much for the help and there is no need to apologize. :D
♥ OneoftheWeasleys Report Review
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