Ahh I never imagined a rift between the twins there, I'm glad you made Fred alive for your story. Keep on writing!Author's Response: Thank you and I'll try to update soon! Report Review
Hi there!! I'm here with your review!
I'm so very sorry it took so long for me to get around to. Life goes on, but I won't bore you with my reasons and excuses. :) I will get right to it.
I really loved this story. It was cute and intriguing and I love the setting in which you have opened this story. Your plot is great, as well as your descriptions, emotions, and characterizations. You are a great writer.
However, I have to agree with Rachel before me. You structure is a little odd and threw me off course a few times. I think you could give this a read over and chop out a few words as to not confuse the reader so much. A few times I thought a sentence was two separate ideas.
I believe this story is really excellent, and with a little help on structure, it can be perfect. I don't have much else to say! Really great job!
9/10Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing and I'm glad you pointed that out the same as Rachel as I had a feeling it was going like that here and there. I've a habit of sometimes wondering off on a slight tangent unknowingly. But I'm glad you enjoyed it even with some of the problems there!
Nonetheless, thank you for reviewing once again! XD Report Review
I’m here to review, I hope you don’t mind me getting over my nitpicking stuff first, then I end with the good stuff?! It’s always good to end something on a good note.
Firstly, I feel like the flow could be a lot more improved in this already. I think I can help you out and help smooth out some of the choppiness.
Right off the bat, your first sentence is very awkward. If you don’t see that, I would suggest reading it aloud.
This is what you said: ““Is it just me or has Fred gotten all mushy and lovey dovey since he started going out with Annie?” George Weasley asked from the confinement of his bedroom at the Burrow”
I think you could get rid of the is it just me, and change this sentence entirely. You need something to drag in the readers more.
I think you should say something like this:
“Do you think that Fred’s became all mushy and lovey-dovey like, since he began going out with Annie?” George Weasley asked, as he sat within the confinement of his bedroom at the burrow.
Next thing I noticed: you shouldn’t say he and his best mate.
The sentence would be much better if you reworded it as so or something like this: His best mate besides his brother, Lee Jordan sat in an armchair as he worked on a new item for the joke shop that the twins had began at the start of summer break.
Get rid of and “work alone” in that sentence. It has nothing to do with this.
There is something in writing, where it is good to write what you mean with less words. More words can lead to choppiness and unflowy sentences. You need to work on being more efficient.
Also Fire Whiskey, isn’t one word. It’s written in two. And when you talk about how George would sooner kiss Snape. It should be Than instead of Then. It’s making a comparison.
I could point out a lot of other things, but I recommend getting a beta.
Okay, good stuff. I definitely don’t want to be too harsh on you. I can be really harsh haha on people sometimes and not even mean it. Anyway, I think you have a really strong idea here. You could use a lot of work on sentence structures and working on being more efficient with your words. There are a lot of redundant sentences and those could be a turn off for readers
I like the characterizations of the characters, but I suggest adding some more descriptions.
This is a good start, please don’t get discouraged by me. I just think there is a lot to work on. And know that you don’t have to listen to anything I say either.
Remember, as a writer you can only improve with practice.
- RachelAuthor's Response: What an in-depth review and I thank you for that! I do like simple, and my editor is always telling me its better to get to the point quickly with short quick sentences. but i always hear my creative writing teacher in the back of my head telling me to describe, describe, describe.
Thank you for all the pointers and I'll definitely take them into consideration when editing this chapter myself and sending it off to her. Once again thank you! Report Review
I belive the green-eyed monster has red hair and goes by the name George Weasley.
Though it must be weird for George, not having Fred there. They grew up together and caused so much mischeif together and now suddenly Fred is gone.
Or George just needs a girlfriend, like Lee said.;)
I can hardly wait for the next chapter.Author's Response: thank you for the review! i'm glad you like it so far! XD
i'll try to update it soon, i swear! Report Review
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