This introduction to Aliana was a good start. I think her reaction is very believable, considering the trauma she was witness to. It reminds me a lot of real life school shootings. The idea that a place of safety and familiarity can become a place of nightmares is very disturbing.
The jump from Aliana sobbing in her mother's arms to Aliana sitting at the mirror and thinking she was alright was a little abrupt. That being said, it really didn't bother me that much, so I wouldn't worry about it.
I did really enjoy the article. I think it was a good way of conveying the information you wanted to, and it was written well. This chapter does a good job of drawing the reader into a safer place, but the article reminds them that all is still not well. It's a creative way to write, and I enjoyed it.
Again, doing well! Report Review
Great start! Your description is really rich and vivid, it really seems like your strength as a writer. The beginning was very intriguing. I feel like it would be difficult for someone to stop reading past the first chapter, because the first draws the reader into the second so well.
There were a few points where I was a little confused and had to go back a sentence or two, which I think was tied in with your descriptions- they're lovely, but be careful not to get so wrapped up in them that you forget to make yourself clear. I think part of my confusion was due to my own tendency to read fast, and definitely not all the writing, but just something to keep in mind.
All in all, a very solid start. I don't have much to say besides that, and will reserve further evaluation for later. I like it so far!
Good job! Report Review
I am writing a story about drac/oc and i would love for you to check it out. Its called 'Forbidden' by Seriously_Sirius_Luver Report Review
it was so sadd.!
i teared up.
i like how you didnt make it the unlikely happy ending someone would get when chosen by voldemort.
an i like how you stuck with dracos charecter for the most part.
:]Author's Response: awe, thank you so much for the review. i'm so glad you enjoyed the story.
its great that you appreciate my unhappy ending. i think some people don't understand how necissary they are sometimes :P
This has brought a lump in my throat and tears to my eyes! It is an amazing story! So sweet, loving and sad. I agree, the middle had some chapters that weren't as interesting (to put it nicely) but on the whole, it is an amazing story with a great plot! I just wish she didn't have to die! :( I think you did a great job! Well Done! xxxAuthor's Response: thank you again Report Review
this is SO good! so sad but SO good! awww!
why did she have to go? :( really good though!
You have made Draco into someone he is not. Well, a different Draco. Someone we don't see often. But that's the beauty of it.
"As her eyes closed Draco lowered her onto the ground blanketed by his strong arms. He sobbed a sweet goodbye her laughter still ringing through his ears." That is so sweet! I Love It! Well Done! xxxAuthor's Response: AWE!!! thank you! i'm so glad you loved it... i love YOU!! haha, :P
throughout the whole story i had her, in the back of my mind, ending her life like she did. By killing herself she was, in her mind, saving everyone else from her mysterious and unstable control over herself and her powers. In a way it was her succumbing to her weak self image and doing what she thought would make it better for her and Draco. Because now she wasn't his, or anyones, burden.
and yes draco was not truly draco towards the end... i couldn't help myself :D Report Review
OH MY F*CKING GOD, i absolutely LOVED this story.
i read it all in a day, your style of writing is amazing. i liked the fact that it was discriptive and u described what was happening rather than just using dialogue. however, i found that your characters could have been planned out a little better and that you could have made Alli's character a little less confusing, without your a/n, i feel that some readers would be confused. overall, 10/10. KEEP WRITING!Author's Response: awe, thank you so much! your review truly means a lot!!
and i completely agree that aliana was confusing. i continuously had to go back and look things up while i was writing :P but thats probably because it took me so long between chapters to write another one!
there's nothing wrong wiith a short chapter as long as its a good one, and well written.Author's Response: haha, well i'm assuming that you think this is a good and well written one :P
and thank you for the review Report Review
i absolutely loved this! i love how you kept a common theme throughout this chapter, as well as the common theme throughout the whole story. The writing and descriptions and characters were wonderful. it was just all fantabulous!
-NessAuthor's Response: thank you lovely!! Report Review
Oh wow! Powerful!! Cant wait to read the next chapter!!Author's Response: Awe, thanks so much for the review. Please let me know what you think of the rest of the story!! Report Review
Ok.. wow.. that was so good. Poor Draco.. I'm not a fan of unhappy endings.. >Author's Response: I know, I know. Happy endings are never good. But i just didn't feel it was a story that could be ended with Draco and Alli living happily ever after.
I have been reading through the chapters and i just want to say i really love the way you have started this one. I love it! keep up the good work. (Y)
P/s sorry for not rating & commenting on every chapter Author's Response: Awe, I'm so happy that you like the story so far. Thank you so much for leaving ANY review at all. Haha, it truly means a lot. Report Review
oh wow. she killed herself! That's friggin insane! i liked the way you did it! I can kind of understand... she didn't want to be forced to hurt anyone. but where did these great powers come from??
Excellent work!Author's Response: Thanks Ness... glad you didn't see it coming ;P
And the powers. Well i guess that was never explained. In my mind she was born with them and only when she lost control like she did with her anger towards Saber did they truly show themselves. Report Review
uh oh! this is just so awesome. i'm loving all the descriptions and thoughts and such. Report Review
Oh no! This isn't good at all! Report Review
Okay so I will admit that I don't like this chapter at all. Not just because she ended her life, but because it doesn't make a whoel lot of sense. Yeah, sure, now there's no more what if's, but that's crazy. I'm hoping that you do soemthing HUGE and completely unexpected for the last chapter, because Draco would never for the life of himself go along with her killing herself like this. No way ever. And I don't think (at least I'd hope not) that she'd kill herself like that. DOes she know just how much she means to Draco.
Okay so I'm done with my mini rant, but I could have said more.
I'm expecting something unxpected on the next chapter.Author's Response: I'm glad to hear a different opinion on the ending. And I completely appreciate that you don't like it. Aliana throughout the story was a very unstable and unbalanced character. Even with Draco she never felt completely alright with herself. She also felt like he deserved much better than her. By killing herself she was, in her mind, saving everyone else from her mysterious and unstable control over herself and her powers. In a way it was her succumbing to her weak self image and doing what she thought would make it better for her and Draco. Because now she wasn't his, or anyones, burden. Report Review
Wow, I can honestly say I never thought it would end like this! Poor Draco.Author's Response: Ahh, yes. Poor Draco... left all alone. But i honestly thought this ending to be too predictable. Thanks for proving me wrong. Make sure to come back and read the epilouge it should be out within the next week!
Thank you again for your wonderful reviews. They truly mean the world to me!! :D Report Review
It's fantastic how you're trying to keep Draco in character. So far, you seem to be doing an all right job. [: And it is true, jerks for life!
I enjoyed the first bit about sleep & what it meant to Aliana. She's slowly becoming more realistic. Nice work!Author's Response: Woot! Realistic is what i'm going for, glad to know i'm almost hitting it!! Report Review
I had this first impression of Aliana, and you're certainly proving me wrong so far! (It's a good thing. [: ) The description & background is adequate and paced quite well. Wonderful!Author's Response: Thank you so much! It's lovely to hear that i'm changing your first impression of Aliana for the better... hopefully it'll still be held that highly towards the end :P
Thank you again for the review Report Review
Beautiful writing! You have me hooked, even if there is little knowledge of what is truly going on. I'll definitely be reading & reviewing the following chapters!Author's Response: Awe! It's great to have a new reader... Can't wait to hear what you have to say about the rest!!! Report Review
Love Draco so for. Make sure he doesn't turn into a softie! But remember that he is also kind of a pansy at times. This cockiness while talking to Blaise actually made me feel stuck up like I'm ,"all that"!
Beautiful so far!Author's Response: haha, yes. i believe his character gets twisted around a bit before the ending... let me know what you think of him then :P
thank you so much for the review Report Review
All I want to know is why did she take it so much harder than the others? I know that when my best friend died not long ago that I took it harder than pretty much everybody except for his girlfriend. Was the situation more personal to Aliana? Is she, as some would say, "weaker" than the other emotionally and/or mentally?Author's Response: If i answered that, it would ruin everything... Report Review
The detail is fantastic. I know you are already 22 chapters in but I'm going to (maybe) say something about every chapter. the ONLY probablem I had is that in the third chapter you said that the roles were reversed. You said that the teachers were the ones freaking out. In the fouth exercise though you said that the teachers were the ones trying to calm down the which seem unlikely to me if they were the ones freaking out.
Anywho, I really like it. Even with the mishap I'm giving you a 10/10Author's Response: Wow, i see where the confusion is coming from. To be honest it's been so long since i wrote that chapter i'm not even sure what i was thinkning :P Hopefully you'll find that the writing gets better as the story progresses. But thanks for catching that.
Anyways, thanks so much for the review. I would adore it if you gave me feedback on all of the chapters. But even a few is apreciated. I cannot wait to hear what you have to say. Report Review
Good start :)
Can't wait to read the rest now..
Got a little confused bout characters but I'll try to keep up moreAuthor's Response: yeah the beginning is hard to keep up with the characters. they're all kind of thrown at you :P i can't wait to hear what you have to say about the rest!!!
thanks so much for the review! Report Review
cant belive its nearly over, im just excited to keep reading (:
great story btw
x xAuthor's Response: awe thanks so much. your review really means a lot to me :D can't wait to hear what you think about the ending!! Report Review
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