Reading Reviews for Forbidden Dreams
  
44 Reviews Found

Review #1, by 227743Weasley The Burrow

23rd September 2012:
I like it, except i think ali is a not so nice word at the moment :p, shes a potter she should not be a slytherin and she should certainly not get so upset about it. what is wrong with this chick. good job so far :)

Author's Response: Just because Alli is a Potter doesn't mean she has to follow in the same steps as Harry and Harry's parents. She's her own person too so just keep that in mind. I'm glad you are enjoying my story though! I enjoy reading reviews so please let me know what you think! Thanks!

Shelby


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Review #2, by Mona The Burrow

3rd May 2011:
Another good one! Getting very intriguing.

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!!

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Review #3, by Mona The Only Remaining Witch

3rd May 2011:
Wow! Grabs your attention from the first word and doesn't let go! Great writing, great imagination!

Author's Response: Thank you!

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Review #4, by Chiquita The Burrow

24th March 2011:
Great caption with the readers attention... I was really amazed at how they were so alike..

Author's Response: Thanks again for your review!

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Review #5, by Chiquita The Only Remaining Witch

24th March 2011:
Falling into your mystery story. Its nice how Harry shows up. Keep on and surprise me with more. The beginning just sinks you all into the story..

Author's Response: Yay! I'm so glad you liked the hook. Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #6, by Daniel The Burrow

30th November 2010:
Good overall. However, character behavior seems uncharacteristic in some places. Additionally, Dudley's description of Allison seems unnecessary and showy.

Author's Response: Mmk. I've gotten a lot of people saying that about Dudley's reaction. I kind of just wanted to try and make it humorous but at the same time kind of the way it comes about. But thank you for the review!

Shelby


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Review #7, by Daniel The Only Remaining Witch

30th November 2010:
A good write. Characters act believably and story is original without being over the top. Interested to see where this goes.

Author's Response: :) I'm so glad you liked it. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!

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Review #8, by qtbaby88 Nothing's Wrong

8th July 2010:
aw poor Ginny but i hope something clicks in either Allis head or Dracos head that things need to change but love the story

Author's Response: I'm so glad you like it. I work really hard on my stories and I love getting reviews. So thank you. Haha. I'm posting another chapter right now. So after a couple days it'll be up.

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Review #9, by Potter_Princessx3 The Only Remaining Witch

3rd July 2010:
Ahahaha, i love this story...
So far it is really great!
I love this part:
“This doesn't make any sense,” Harry told her.


“Does anything in your life ever make sense?” Allison reminded him.
hahaha.
Great job,
* I added you and this story to my faveroites...
Im readin gyour next chapters now (:

Author's Response: cool haha. thanks for your review. i'm really glad you like it!

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Review #10, by daydreamingofdraco Slughorn's Invitation

9th June 2010:
Again.I loved it ! keep writing very enetertaining..
x

Author's Response: :) Thank you. I really appreciate your review. Keep reading!

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Review #11, by daydreamingofdraco It's Not Real

9th June 2010:
I abselutly was laughing all the way throuh this, I also loved your previous chapter! VERY humerous and witty...clap clap to you.
x

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you like it.

Shelby


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Review #12, by frodolove12 The Only Remaining Witch

24th January 2010:
really interesting first chapter!!

Author's Response: Merci. I really need to get working on re-writing the rest of the chapters. haha.

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Review #13, by lifyndra Diagon Alley

8th October 2009:
Ah ha! So she's a Slytherin, eh? Nice twist. I like how she and Harry have an almost twin-like connection, even with all of their differences. I also like the witty banter in this chapter when Harry and Alli first arrive at the burrow. :)

Author's Response: Thanks. If you have any further comments just email me and i can revise the chapter. If not, go me!

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Review #14, by muinthil Diagon Alley

6th October 2009:
Great continuation and development of the plot. The chapter is well written and I like the dialogue between the characters. I do find it a little hard to believe that they all seem rather accepting of Alli being Harry's cousin. Typically, I think Hermione would be a bit more suspicious and Draco wouldn't be as attracted to her. He most likely would have been more repulsed once he found out she was a Potter. That would actually add some interesting conflict into your story if Draco starts falling for her despite Alli being related to Harry. Something to consider but overall it was a pretty good chapter.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review and for the time you took out to read this chapter.

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Review #15, by muinthil The Burrow

6th October 2009:
The story is progressing nicely. Your story flow is very good. You don't rush too much with the details. But what kinda has me wondering is how Harry is so accepting of Allison. He just lets her, a stranger, spend the night? I would think Harry would be a bit more suspicious since he doesn't have much proof she is his cousin. It may be something to consider.

Author's Response: I'm actually reworking this entire story right now. So everything should be changing very soon.

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Review #16, by muinthil The Only Remaining Witch

6th October 2009:
Hi there! It's Muinthil from the forum with your review! I like your intro paragraph. It works to grab the reader's attention and to get your plot moving from the start. Keep an eye on Allison though. She seems to be rather Mary Sue and you will find many readers tend to not like that. I think the biggest part that makes her a Mary Sue is how she also has a scar and survived Voldemort. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but you may find some reviewers commenting on the same thing. Also, I noticed some very minor grammar and spelling errors but nothing really big. I suggest getting a beta if you don't already have one!

Author's Response: Thanks. I just got a beta so she's helping me with everything.

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Review #17, by lifyndra The Burrow

1st October 2009:
I like the way you write the Dursleys, haha! I also like that Harry and Alli are developing a sort of temperamental friendship. :)

Author's Response: That's good. And yes they start to build it, but as I am revising I'm going to try and get them to build on it more as the story goes on as Harry starts getting pushed out of the story because of Alli and Draco's relationship.

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Review #18, by lifyndra The Only Remaining Witch

30th September 2009:
Hey! I really like this so far. I've never read a story with any OC relatives of Harry before; I think it's got potential :) I'm checking out the other version right now, heehee...

Author's Response: Thanks so much, lifyndra. I love ur beta-readingness. It's awesome.

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Review #19, by Rose_Weasley123 Diagon Alley

24th September 2009:
Okay second last review

No major problems with spelling and grammar. Pay attention to punctuation.

The one thing you need to focus on is characterization. Harry is far angrier than he is in the book. He does have occasional strops, but he doesn’t get angry at everything. Maybe say his lines to yourself, and then compare them to the books. The thing is, it would be okay if he was an OC, but as he is a Canon character you should try and make him true to the books. Allison is an interesting character to read. The other characters were done better in this chapter.

The plot is picking up now! It’s interesting so far, and it’s not as cliche as it could easily be. However, I’m finding it hard to swallow the fact that Draco Malfoy would immediately kiss Allison on the hand, especially after he finds out who she’s related to. It just doesn’t fit in with his character, and his prejudice towards Harry.

Again, try and add some more description. It really makes a story come to life when it has well-written description, and it gives a good idea of the setting.

The dialogue was still believable for the most part. As I mentioned before, I still don’t totally believe the romance between Allison and Draco.

So, this chapter was fine, but try and work on the things I pointed out.

Author's Response: Yeah that makes sense. Thanks.

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Review #20, by Rose_Weasley123 The Burrow

24th September 2009:
Hey, it’s me again!

Pay attention to tenses. You switched between third and first person a couple of times. You had a couple of sentences which should have been broken up with commas, but apart from that, everything was okay.

I think the main thing you should focus on is the characterization of canon characters. The characterization of your OC is fine, she’s a well rounded character, and as she’s your own, she can be what you want. However, with canon characters, think about how they behave in the books. Then think about how your Harry compares to J.K Rowling’s Harry. Also, none of the characters in the book swear very much. And pay attention to minor canon characters, as well. The Dursleys are a little out of character.

The plot seems to be flowing well, so far. Each scene feels in place. Always remember to focus on showing, not telling. You’ve done this quite well, so far, but try not to state the obvious. It’s a lot better if you can portray this through dialogue and description.

This is quite a short chapter, and I think you could have used some more description to set the scene, and really frame the chapter. The setting of the scene at the beginning was lovely, and it would have been nice for that to continue.

The dialogue was sharp and quite humorous. It’s naturalistic, although sometimes I think parts of dialogue didn’t suit the character who was speaking.

All in all, a good chapter, but pay attention to characterization and description.

Author's Response: Characterization seems to be my weakness in this. So I may just end up rewriting the entire story revising things here and there and adding paragraphs or different dialogue.

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Review #21, by Rose_Weasley123 The Only Remaining Witch

24th September 2009:
Hey, it’s Rose_Weasley123 with your requested review.

There were a couple of spelling mistakes, but nothing major. Well done!

Harry seemed quite out of character. I think it would be, again, unlikely that he would let a strange girl into his house, and start swearing at her straight away. Harry doesn’t really swear. Alison seems like quite an interesting OC, she seems to have more attitude than most OCs do.

This looks like it could be quite an interesting plot. It’s been done before, but there are still ways to spin it well. It flows well, so no worries there.

The description was very good in the first paragraph, it set the scene well. But you described thunder as screaming twice, in a very short space of time. Perhaps try using some other words. When you were describing the girl, I think Harry wouldn’t have been able to describe her in such detail. She would be obscured by the rain, He’s above her, and his window is dirty. It is very unlikely he would have been able to see her eyes. Maybe you should focus on what she looks like when she’s at his door. The description in the rest of the story is good. You can really imagine the scene.

The dialogue is realistic, but watch Harry swearing so much. It just doesn’t seem quite right. However, it works with the story, and reveals the characters personalities well.

All in all, a good beginning to a story. Just remember to pay attention to the small details, and focus on the characterization of cannon characters.

Author's Response: Thanks for the help! I'll really consider revising this chapter after your review.

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Review #22, by InvisibleWitch19 Diagon Alley

16th September 2009:
Nice chapter, I liked it. It's good that Allison's going to Hogwarts too and the shocking plot twist of her being a Slytherin was rather unexpected. I like the plot development so far; I wonder if Harry needs Alli for defeating Voldemort?

Characterization was great. I expected the Trio to be shocked by Allison in Slytherin and Malfoy- haha, evil charms all the way. Your writing style was good here, too. Descriptions and dialogues were well done and no errors so far. You only have a few punctuation issues that don't matter and disturb the story much.

Keep up the good work! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I really enjoy getting them. I'm also very pleased that you loved the plot twist there.

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Review #23, by InvisibleWitch19 The Burrow

16th September 2009:
Here's my second review. Okay, first of all, I'd like to say that I'm starting to like Allison. She may be going a little bit Mary-Sue this chapter but you make her quite likable. Harry is also his usual self though you sort of got the Dursleys wrong. They ought to have not allowed Harry and Alli at the table.

Characterization is great so far, Dudley is hilarious! Don't tell me he has a crush on Allison. Anyway, your writing style improved a bit. The descriptions are great, so are the realistic dialogue. You have a way of playing with words, which is good.

Keep up the good work; I wonder how the plot develops. :)

Author's Response: Thank you. I'm glad you like Allison. And Dudley's attitude in this chapter is also one of my favorites. I will try to get more into character in my future fan fics.

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Review #24, by InvisibleWitch19 The Only Remaining Witch

16th September 2009:
Hey, it's InviWitchie019 from the forums here for your review. First of all, I'm only going to review the first four chapters of this story unless it gets too intriguing that I may want to continue. Now, for the constructive criticism.

The first paragraph was rather long; you could cut it down. You also use full stops and periods a lot, commas, colons, and semi-colons are useful too. Your grammar was great and the story is triggering my curiosity.

I wonder where the plot goes; your writing style is brilliant too but it could improve. Use descriptions well, which you do and also write dialogue carefully, as if you are hearing people have a conversation in real life.

Characterization is great so far and I do hope you don't make Allison too Mary-Sue. Harry is good; he has a temper and heroic instincts but my only concern is Allison. Great chapter!

Keep up the good work! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review and btw what is a mary-sue character?

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Review #25, by Remus The Burrow

16th September 2009:
I'm back!

Ok, so I REALLY like Allison. Good, rounded character. Your story definitely has some potential and I wish I could continue reading if it weren't for the list I have up. Anyway, grammar and punctuality did definitely improve between this chapter and the previous one and I'm glad!

Ok, on to a little criticism. Harry and the Dursleys sound a bit Out of Character. Yes, Harry is pissed in the 5th book but I don't know...think back when he met Sirius, yes he was mad at his godfather but he was glad that he had a family and the prospect of a home. As for the Dursleys, well, I like how you wrote Dudley for I do think he would've woken Harry up that way but Petunia and Vernon would not have just let Allison, a witch, eat with them no matter how slow they are. Look at book six when Dumbledore came by...they were frightened yet pissed. All of them.

Anyway, I've enjoyed the two chapters so far so don't hesitate to re-request! :) I want to see what happens.


--Perelandra/Remus

Author's Response: I'm so glad you love her character. She's my favorite to write about just because I feel like i can make her whatever I want to. But thank you so much for the criticism. I will definitely try to improve on that in my future fanfics.

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