This was such a joy to read. I never imagined I'd accidentally stumble upon a one shot this good. I don't usually make use of the "search HPFF" or the random story features but maybe I should start doing so. They're worth it if I find hidden jewels like this one.
I loved every little word of your story. The imagery was very well handled and it exposed a great setting for character development for Narcissa. If only all of these brilliant stories could be considered cannon. Narcissa has always intrigued me because she is the "middle" sister. Not as evil and cruel as Bellatrix, but neither the entirely positive force Andromeda has been portrayed to be. You have allowed us access into the workings of her mind and showed a fleeting look into her feelings. It was a nice surprise (and a funny clash) to see her fluttering for James. I did not expect that but I can't say I disapprove of it. It brought a nice twist to what we usually see of her and I must guiltily admit some plot bunnies :D
Bellatrix was as always charmingly deadly with her mudblood hate and her desire to hex everyone into the world beyond. She is always great to read about, more so in interactions with her family.
Well well done!
Holiday Review Extravaganza Event TwoAuthor's Response: Aww, thank you, it makes me so happy to see that somebody is still reading this XD I had so many plans for this fic, but unfortunately that was right about the time I dropped off the face of the planet (the HPFF world at least). I've considered trying to re-work it because I love Narcissa so much, so we'll see ;)
And ohh, Narcissa/James. I love love LOVE crackships, especially ones involving Narcissa! I think you should take those plunnies and run with them ;) Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
This story has a lot of beautiful imagery. I loved that I got the chill winter feeling right away. Something about Cissy's rabbit fur boots really stuck out at me, because it both reminded us of the weather and it also showed their wealth in a really creative way!
I also really enjoyed the hints you've made with Bellatrix's character. She is one of my *favorite* bad characters to write. And here she is less crazy than the Bella we know, but still well on her way to losing it to the Dark Lord.
I also liked that you didn't show Narcissa as particularly caring about Voldemort. She isn't disgusted by his quest or anything, just simply not bothered by it. I hate when she's made into an overly sympathetic woman, because it just doesn't fit. Here she isn't exactly cruel, just more like Draco in the sense of being a bully who knows she's too good for everyone else. I think your comparison to her being an ice queen was absolutely perfect.
I did find myself wanting to know what exactly happened to Bellatrix, but that's just me wanting to pull more story out of you, and not a CC towards this story ;). I also had fun with your characterization of the Marauders. To me, once that group really places themselves in your head, they are so much fun to write. And I could tell you put a lot of thought into each character's actions, which I think absolutely paid off.
I also was happy that you made it clear Bella wasn't a student there. I think it's fine to push the ages a bit for a one shot with this group, but keeping Bellatrix out of Hogwarts (as a student at least) really gave it an authentic feeling.
You also managed to give us strong personalities in such a short about of words, something that I feel can be difficult.
Awesome job and story, darling!Author's Response: Thank you! I was just recalling this story the other day and wondering if there was any possible way that I could poke around the coals and get things going again. I will have to look over my notes, but I reaaallly love writing as Narcissa, Peter and Remus. Hopefully my love for them will convince me ;)
I imagine Narcissa as kind of a trapped bird in the family, much like Sirius in his own--which will/would have come out later in the fic. And you're right, I do tend to write her exactly as I write Draco.
Thank you very much for the kind words. You've inspired me to look back into this fic ;) Report Review
Sorry I've taken so long to review! I haven't been writing anything lately due to lack of inspiration and I didn't want to spew out some useless drivel trying to call itself a 'review'.
Anyway, wow. I found the start of the story really captivating. Secrets are always a great way to capture a reader's attention!
You have some really lovely descriptions. So often people rush over things without really describing them, but you did it really well and it really drew a vivid picture in my mind.
I am so glad that Sirius came to the rescue! Totally my favourite character, by the way. I love anything Marauders Era, honestly I do.
You write very well, I didn't pick up any mistakes while reading. All your descriptions are just wonderful and really create a nice setting for your story.
The flow of this chapter was just fine, there was no jumping and rushing. Everything progressed logically and it worked well.
For a first chapter, I think you did a really good job. You set the scene well, and set up all the characters (the characterisation was fine, by the way. I especially liked James'), though I'm not really sure where the story is going to go from here.
On the forum you asked for my opinion. I think it really depends what you want to write about. Do you know at all what you want to do with it?
You can PM me on the forum any time you like and tell me any additional information and I can help from there. If you have another chapter to put up soon, please PM when it's up! I'd really like to continue reading this, and I am more than happy to help you out with ideas... just sort of give me a background of what you think will happen... if that makes sense.
Sorry again for the late review, and hope to hear from you soon.
NellieAuthor's Response: not to worry! i haven't written anything fanfic-wise in months. it's kind of sad. but i really appreciate your review and i guess it would be kind of hard to say where you'd like the story to go if nothing's really happened yet. but thanks a lot for your offer and i'll definitely PM you if anything comes up. thanks a lot :D Report Review
marvolous (of course). I look forward to more!Author's Response: thank you! i really do hope i get more time to devote to writing soon. i'm so busy, really, i just don't have the time. but i'm glad you're sticking with my stuff :] Report Review
Hi, you have asked for a review on my review thread.
Here I am to give a you review.
First of all, it's a brilliant story.
I like that you chose Narcissa's point of view and also you did it well.
You managed to balance between the cruelty of her kind and the sensitive creature she happened to be inside. That's very well done. You gave her depth and subtlety and that's what I think a character really requires.
I also liked Bellatrix, you depicted her very well. She's cruel and maniac. She acts exactly as one would expect.
You gave the story a fine twist with Narcissa's affection towards James.
It wouldn't have worked so well without it.
Congratulations, your story stood the test. lol
Go on writing,
wingsAuthor's Response: yay! i was very worried about narcissa and james. i mean, i think it's been done before, but still. i'm a sucker for random ships like that. thank you! Report Review
Brilliant. Love the James/Cissy, hope to see more. Beautiful Cissy characterisation ... and brilliant banner!Author's Response: thanks! i'm really proud of that banner... it took me forever. graphics = not my forte. and i thought james/cissy would make sense and be fun... glad you liked it! thanks for your review! Report Review
This is a really well-written chapter. I love your descriptions of things. I literally feel the cold of the outdoors and see Bella, dark like an ink-drop, in the snow. Lovely image. I really enjoyed the way you characterized Narcissa and Lily, as well as many of the others. I'm favoriting this because I'm interested to see where it goes! :-)Author's Response: yay! i don't think it has any favorites yet... i'm glad. :] thanks so much. most of my stories take place in the winter, just because i love it so much. glad you liked it. Report Review
Me here! You requested a review! :)
The first part is very interesting. You draw the reader into the story without many words. That is very well writen.
When you actually start the story I love how the teachers gave up or gave homework but were ignored. When I am in school and it is close to winter break I fell exactly the same way. I ignore my teachers. :)
I loved how you introduced Narcissa and Bellatrix. It was an interesting idea to have Narcissa and Bellatrix dislike their mother because I have seen so many stories portray them as being loyal to their family and just... loving their mother, though not in a easily seen way.
And even though J. K. Rowling hinted it, I really liked how you made how Narcissa not so crazy about the whole Dark Lord thing. And you made Bellatrix so Bellatrix which was great!! Sirius was great to. I loved how you portrayed him.
This was a interesting and well writen story with no grammar or spelling mistakes I could really find! Good Work!
- W -
PS Sorry if it took so long, I've been VERY busy!Author's Response: not a problem! glad you could find time to review. :] i agree about narcissa not being so obsessed with voldemort. i don't think that she's actually that concerned; at least not always. and i like the idea of lucius and narcissa not being the most understanding of couples. sure, they tolerate each other and there may be a physical factor, but i like the idea of them not really being in love. then again, i'm a sucker for a tragedy. :] Report Review
This was really well-written, and I can tell that you put a good deal of thought and work into this story. No grammar or spelling mistakes jumped out, the pacing was good, the characterization was excellent. Bellatrix is just as she should be, although I'm not sure she would have wasted her time even paying attention to the Gryffindor girls. But the way she hurt Alice and tried to hex Lily behind her back definitely showed her personality. Your portrayal of Narcissa is very realistic and true to her character in the books, but I think she would have been more likely to prefer even Malfoy (who she's being pushed to marry in your story) to James Potter (who she would undoubtedly consider a blood traitor). Also, I think that if you follow canon, Narcissa is slightly older than the Marauders so she would not be at Hogwarts when Lily is Head Girl. But if not, then just ignore that!
Great job, I really enjoyed reading this!Author's Response: yeah, i edited the story yesterday and deleted my author's not on accident... this is slightly AU, since narcissa is still in hogwarts, though she is older than the marauders. :] and i think that narcissa would be willing to ignore blood; just because her sister is crazy doesn't mean she is. thanks so much for the review! Report Review
I really like this a lot so far. :) It's well written, and I love your characterization. This is going to be very unique, I can tell already. ;)
"I am going to kill you."
I shivered. No joke, lol! But just like Sirius, he let it roll right off his back. The only thing I caught was that Alice would be "Prewett" not "Longbottom" seeing as she was not married at the time.
But yes, you should continue. I like this quite a lot so far. :)Author's Response: WHOA.
did not even notice that. thanks a lot, i'll fix that soon. :] Report Review
Quite an unusual start to a story. If Narcissa is supposed to be the main character many authors would have done more to portray her in their first chapter to kind of introduce her character. It didn’t bother me though they way you did it here, I felt it was very original and somehow it also gave a good picture of her that she was just observing, it says just as much about her as it would have done if it had been seen from Bella’s point of view.
Oh, and I like how you’ve made Narcissa have a thing for James, that’s funny. And somehow that doesn’t seem all too unbelievable to me, actually it makes a whole lot of sense.
I can understand if you have no areas of concern here, because I don’t find much to criticize here, it was well written in a sort of ‘old-ish’ language that sounds very formal and makes a good contrast to the type of text that is almost friendly towards the reader, this is more like my Danish teacher would say ‘an arm’s length away from the reader’. It’s an interesting use of the language, which I think you mastered well, also bringing in comparisons and metaphors and such.
Bella’s character was scary but to the point here, she already at this relatively early age shows signs of the fanatic pureblood obsession we so clearly see throughout the Harry Potter books and her strong dislike for Sirius only adds to her character.
Really this was in interesting piece of story, but of course it’s hard to judge from only one chapter.
/D i a
Author's Response: heyy. i figured narcissa would narrate with this sort of dialect, since in this case she's brought up by really snobish and elitist parents who probably really chide her for not speaking with dignity, on the rare occasions she doesn't.
but yeah, there really is no main character in this story. there are several that are more prominent in the fic but i just chose to start off with narcissa since i'm kind of in love with her. :] so each chapter is going to be from a different person's perspective with different dialects, etc. i actually think it's going to be really hard... :[
anyway, this is long enough.
thank you so much for your lovely review! Report Review
Well! Where to start? Firstly many apologies for the late review - I've been running around crazy lately.
The first thing I want to discuss is your imagery, which is delightfully evocative. Quite simply I adored it. Particularly your use of the colour white and the snow - I think it reflected Narcissa so incredibly well.
Your writing is very refreshing, and I'm a firm believer in using short sharp sentences here and there to keep the pace - which you did very well.
My face lifted to the snow that fell like tiny pale butterflies. It drifted over my face, sticking to my eyelashes until my vision was blurred white.
This was such a simple description and yet I had the most wonderful image of Narcissa standing there with the snow clinging to her eyelashes. Gorgeous.
As for your characterisations - I thought they were very much in keeping with characters even as you put your own touch on them.
This really is a glowing review! To be frank I don't really give out a whole lot of those - I suppose something in you're story just struck me.
xox KylieAuthor's Response: yay! :] don't worry, i haven't even had time to notice anything being late. it's been crazy for me too. i'm glad you liked this, though! i was worried, since nobody had reviewed it. i wasn't sure if it was just because it was new or if i hadn't done a decent job. thanks for your kind words! and yes, narcissa love! :D Report Review
Hi, this is andromeda from the forums :)
I think this is very well-written in terms of characterization. Everyone - Bella, Narcissa, the Marauders - they all are totally in character.
Sirius grinned wildly and lifted his shoulders. "I await the day, dear cousin."
This is so Sirius.
"Of course," he bowed his head. "I hope you’ll apologize to her for me, and also for the rogue snowball that somehow managed to find its way to the back of her head."
And this is so James.
And oh! Remus! The fact that he knew all the answers but never raised his hand - it's just a brilliant idea. And you're gonna have some Narcissa/Remus - now that is something interesting! (As the whole Narcissa/James thing, by the way.)
I also loved the fact that Mrs. Black always told her daughters that it was a Mudblood thing to do to hex somebody from behind. I hate it when authors deprive the whole Black family of any princles or dignity, so I'm really glad you didn't.
There was a pause and then spat nastily at his feet. I think this sentence is a bit awkward... maybe "she spat . . ." would sound better? ;)
P.S. well, Sirius disliking girls is not really shocking to me, but it's a rare thing in fanfic ;)
So definitely keep writing, this is a very original piece.Author's Response: chankyou. :] i've really avoided marauders stories before now because it's so hard to characterize them, since we don't really know about how they were when they were younger. but yeah, i'm glad you liked it... i love writing remus, he's so fun. and i think narcissa/remus will be very fun :] and actually that thing about "she spat" is a typo. i didn't even notice it. thank you for your kind words! Report Review
Good job on making this different. It seems like you will have a nice plot going on here. I like how you wrote Narcissa's character--trying to be something different, but knowing that she has to to stick with being on the wrong side. Good job.
9/10Author's Response: yay, a review! haha. it really sucks how you can post a new story, and within an hour it's on the 10th page of "recently added." i'm glad you liked it... and i'm actually very fond of narcissa, in canon and fanon. not sure why. :] Report Review
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