It's very rarely I find a twins story, but I'm so glad I found this one. I absolutely love it and you portray the twins perfectly. Can't wait for the next chapter :)Author's Response: thank you! :) Report Review
Awww, I really like Chloe as a character. She's like in-your-face-sucka and Screw you man... The flashback with Chloe kissing George on the cheek is so ADORABLE! I like this story cause the plot is interesting and creative.
I see you haven't updated in a long while... what's going on with that?
The beginning of the story is very good. It immediately catches your attention and the characters and the story draw you in. I wonder if Chloe and George will get together. They sure seem cute...
I like how Chloe came back with such a cool and collected personality. It surprised me cause I thought she would come back as some shy, sweet girl. I also like when Mrs. Weasley was telling stories about Chloe, Fred and Georges childhood friendship. The pranks were funny to read about.
There are really no complaints from me on this story. The grammar is very good and the story flows quite well. Update soon and keep on writing!
JKRowlingFan22Author's Response: i was usually worried about Chloe's characterization, but it's good to here she's coming along nicely. thank you for reviewing as always Report Review
Hahaha, George got caught staring at Chloe’s bum!!! Hahaha!! This was a rather amusing chapter. I especially liked the story with the leeches! Continue writing, and improving.
Author's Response: i'll try and keep it up and thanks Report Review
I liked the little quip about Chloe and Hermione being soul mates. It made me giggle. Aha! Intrigue! Both twins have noticed how much she has grown up, but one of them has a slightly more personal history with her….hmm…very….interesting…
I can’t wait to see what direction you take with this story!
Author's Response: thank you, i hope to get the next few chapters out of my head and onto paper soon. *crosses fingers* Report Review
Short chapter (totally okay though). Not much happened, but you have to get introductions out of the way so why not devote a chapter to it eh? Things sort of feel rushed, like you wanted to get it done and out of the way with. For future reference, slow down, take time to revise, and have fun with it!
I loved the originality and the incorporation of S.W.I. This is a really great start. I especially liked the contrast between Fred and George when they were young and Fred and George when they are older. Am I right in assuming this takes place during order of the Phoenix? If so, I have to warn you now that OotP is my favorite out of the series. So if I’m hard on you for details pertaining to the book you know why. Overall, a decent chapter, but you need to work on how you incorporate details and whatnot.
OH, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO UPDATE! I love this story already! Even though it's only four chapters into it. The childhood flashbacks made me squeal like a girl when I read them. I absolutely adore George and more so, your story. Please update soon! I'll be waiting for your amazing work!Author's Response: I\\\'ll try to soon. I\\\'m glad you liked it and thanks! Report Review
Hello, WeasleyTwins here to review as requested. Sorry for the extensive delay :]
You mentioned nothing specific in your Areas of Concern, so I assume you want a well-rounded review? To it then. Your plot idea is interesting and I like the silly antics of the twins, that is always a plus. You have characterized them beautifully, they are not OOC, so you've hit the nail on the head with Fred and George. The dialogue you employ flows nicely; words like 'yeah' really show that you have a decent grasp on natural dialogue :]
I do have one suggestion. "Bill and Charlie were staying for dinner because of the Order." - With this sentence, the word 'because' really screwed with the flow, interrupting that entire paragraph, however short it was. I know that you wanted readers to know why Bill and Charlie were at Grimmauld Place, but using the word 'because' is not necessary. I saw that you used this more than once. You can simply reword the sentence and it will flow better. For example, you can say, "Bill and Charlie were staying for dinner due to business with the Order." I know that is long-winded, but something along those lines sounds better.
I don't mean to sound nit-picky or rude, but I've always thought that the word 'because' really interrupted a writer's story, and you have such a lovely writing ability, I felt that that word really brought it down.
Overall, your idea is adorable and you did a great job with this, 10/10
ShelbyAuthor's Response: I'm glad you pointed that out, thanks for showing that to me. I'm happy I've kept the twins in their natural states as it were, lol and thank you for the great review!
Thanks again! Report Review
Hello! This was a very interesting chapter. I found it very amusing. I like how well you set the stage to introduce new characters! You have a talent there. Anyway, Chloe seems like she will be a good OC. I think that your portrayal of character could use a little tweaking, but this is fanfiction-so I don't find that issue highly important. Other than that, this was great! You did a wonderful job. Thanks for asking for the review. Keep writing!
9/10Author's Response: Thank you and glad you enjoyed it so far. I hope Chloe does develop nicely as a character and that I keep Fred and George on spot.
Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
Hello, this is imagine_the_magic with the review you requested! First off, I love how you are characterizing Fred and George! Well done with that! I also liked the introductory part with the memory. It was very cute and light and heartwarming to see as well as good background. When you stopped that memory and went to present tense, however, I felt that it lost some luster. I think part of it was that you sort of stopped describing so much and fleshing it out; the second half had a lot of dialogue. I think this would be helped if you described a little bit exactly where they are and what they're doing before going on to talk about the SWI.
Also, I felt there was some unneeded dialogue. For example, the ages bit. We only need to know Chloe's age against the twins' because that's all that really matters, forget about Ron and Harry. In the last half, you're bombarding your readers with SWI information. Most of it is interesting and really like how you've reinvented the school; made it very different from Hogwarts. Well done on that. However, some of it we don't need to know. For example, you could take out the brooms bit. Though interesting, not particularly necessary if you see what I mean.
I think your characterization of the twins is spot-on, and I'm looking forward to meeting the older Chloe! Just remember that if this is F&G's seventh year, we're talking Umbrige too. Also, your grammar and vocabulary were spot-on, allowing for easy reading. I especially liked your light, easy tone in the beginning. Well done!
-imagine_the_magicAuthor's Response: The brooms bit was actually needed because it will come up later in the story. ^_^ see i've got my reasons at times. lol!
still i understand where you're coming from.
SWI I've always taken liberty with and actually am thinking of writing a story based in SWI, but that's for another time...when i've the time. haha.
anyways, i'm happy I was am to keep Fred and George on target and in their respective character skins. haha.
Thank you again for the great review! Report Review
Wait a second, I'm confused. Is everyone British here? Forgive me, but I understood the situation to be that Deon and Roy were American. If they are, they sounded pretty British in the way they spoke. Things like 'reckon' and 'rather' aren't floating around very much here. But if they are British, disregard my previous statement and I apologize for not understanding.
Again, there was a lot of dialogue here. It's a good way to show their characterizations among other people, but I feel like this story has been going at break-neck pace since the beginning and I feel like I need a bit of a break.
Overall, this story is very enjoyable. I feel like it's fresh and very fun to read. I think you have a great writing ability. Keep it up!
Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: Yup everyone's British. I've never made any of my OC's American. Though I have had the move from England to the States then back again. ^^;
Thank you again for reviewing as always! XD Report Review
People on the forums usually want writers to avoid interaction with Americans, but I really like the way you did this. It's different than what others consider incorporation of American aspects, definitely. It's so interesting to read. I loved it when Deon and Roy were telling Harry how famous he was in America. That made me laugh.
I also think it's borderline brilliant to introduce a new set of twins to the mix. I'm sure that will ruffle Fred and George's feathers. It'll be interesting to see how they deal with each other.
But again, there was quite a bit of dialogue here. You don't have to have your characters tell the whole story. It's good to have your own voice come through as well.
Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: yeah i know there's a good deal of dialogue, but i suppose it feels that why because i've kept the chapters relatively short. its a bad habit of mine i guess. anyways, i'm glad you like the twins to far, the new ones that is.
Yeah Chloe and the twins aren't American. they just moved there. they are British. ^_^;
I'm glad I could get a laugh out of you and thanks for the great review! Report Review
I like this plot so far. I think it could be very interesting and it's unique. I haven't read many stories with plot similar to this one and I think you could do a lot with it. You've set up a lot of possibilities for yourself, but just be wary of any cliches that may come by.
Overall, this chapter had a lot of dialogue. It's usually a general good idea to keep a good eye on the balance between dialogue and description. I usually don't care that much but I felt like all I was reading was talking and dialogue tags. I could have done with some more narration to break it up.
I specifically like this as the opening chapter because it gives us a lot to work with right off the bat. It gets us thinking right away.
Good job! Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: I'm glad to hear that. the story actually started with the first piece of dialogue, truth be told XD a product of daydreaming. which most of my writing is. lol!
Nevertheless thank you for reviewing! Report Review
By far your best chapter, well done =]
Again, I feel like this isn't a chapter that greatly contributed to the plot, but it was cute and fun. The whole porn/vibrator conversation was brilliant, Sirius especially. It was great to see the lost youth coming out of the dark and twisty man he became.
Fred and George are still brilliantly characterised, you've done an absolutely fantastic job with them. And I like Chloe, I really do. Which I'm happy about, because I really did have some reservations about her. I think you'll need to make things a bit harder for her/them, they would have a bit of difficulty adapting to a new life. What about their friends in America etc.
This has been an interesting start to what could be a really cute little story. Thanks for requesting. Please come back when/if you update =]Author's Response: phew i always prefer to read that last review as people always are a bit reserved about chole. to tell the truth she's actually been dulled down from how she was. XD
But don't worry, I've got plans for her. Glad I've got Fred and George down and that you enjoyed Sirius' little moment there XD
Thank you again for reviewing and I'll make sure to stop by when the next chapters up! Report Review
I still have the same concern from the last chapter , they've fitted in almost too easily.
I thought you characterised Ron really well though, that slightly gormless staring is just so him.
I also really, really liked the bit with George at the end, you really got inside his head and worked him out.
So Chloe is incredibly smart as well as very pretty. What isn't she good at, where are her flaws? It's early days yet I know, but still.
This is a good chapter. Again, it's a bit of a filler, just revealing that George has a thing for her. All in all, it's good, light and entertain, but there are some things to work on =]Author's Response: Sorry to be a bit on the offense here, but I never mention that Chloe was pretty. only described her hair and freckles, but it's understandable that you'd get that impression of her from George maybe? Like you said it's still early days and I've yet to really flesh her character out; the boys included. *grins madly*
Still it seems i'm better suited at doing the canon than my own! *cries* jk. Nevertheless I hope to really flesh her out in the next few chapters. Yes I admit it's a filler of sorts, just for the reader to get an idea of the OC's and others.
I'll keep what you've said in mind and thanks again for reviewing! I always look forward to yours! Report Review
Here again to review =]
It's hard to properly critique a chapter like this, because it really is just a filler chapter, bringing your OCs into the mix.
There were a couple of things I think you could have improved on though. I honestly don't think everyone would have got on as well as they did. Especially with the guys, they would have been a lot warier around each other. You've got to remember that for Fred and George this is 'their' territory, and these other people are intruding on it.
The other thing I didn't entirely like was the amount of detail you gave about Chloe's appearance. I just felt that while you described it well, the sheer amount was a bit uncalled for.
A good filler chapter. I'm excited for the next one =]Author's Response: I understand what mean. I always seem to gloss over that not everyone is going to like a person.
I didn't think I gave alot of detail about her appearance. I simply said something about her hair and freckles I think, but I may not have realized it. Still thank you for pointing it out!
Thank you again for reviewing as always and I'm glad you enjoyed it so far. I hope you continue to do so! Report Review
Hey there, here to review as requested =] Can I just say thank you so much for writing something a bit light? I've been drowning in all the angst and tears!
I'm a little bit worried about this. American transfer students are risky at the best of times. Also, if they are so much more advanced than the Hogwarts students, why would they be going there? I've seen this in a few stories, so I was just wondering why you made Salem so much more advanced? I've never quite understood why a lot of authors feel the need to do that. Especially as Hogwarts is meant to be the best school. Or maybe I'm just imagining that =]
I'm also a little bit unsure about them joining the Order. It seems that it isn't really about ability or achievements, but about maturity and age. 'Overage wizards - wizards who have left school' I think Remus says.
I thought the memory was the best-written part of this actually, you really captured the essence of the twins. At six they would have been a nightmare!
This story is written in the Fred and George's Seventh Year right? Just checking because I don't think you ever actually mention it.
Good starting chapter, you've introduced the main cast and given us a real feel for their personalities. I enjoyed it, looking forward to the next chapter.Author's Response: Yes, I admit American transfer's are risky, but I needed a reason to bring her back into the twins' lives without a major occurrence. Like death or birth or something else along those lines, though I suppose at this point the best I can do it make it as original, while believeable as possible for their transfer.
When I came back to edit after first initially writing it... nearly a year or two ago, I felt trepidation about them being part of the order. How could I make it realistically plausible? Etc'. So I may take one of two ways. 1.) I completely ignore it and make a run for it. or 2.) Do a rewrite, which I seem to enjoy doing lately. Though it may be the latter of the two. XD
When it comes to Salem I've never read other stories where the authors described it as being more advanced. I guess I read books more often than fanfiction, even though I write it. lol. Still, I did that out of a stalemate (at least that's how I felt at the time. 3 yrs ago) to bring in a character for a completely different story and timeline. Now that you mention it, you make me want to rewrite it. Or give an actually reasoning as to why they're going to Hogwarts.
Anyways, before I ramble on anymore, I'm glad you liked the memory. It was what initially got the story going. Actually the first sentence of dialogue did. I do imagine they'd be a nuisance! And yes it takes part in their 7th yr.
Thank you for the great reviews as always and I always look forward to yours! Report Review
This story so far made me chuckle all the way through and that's what I like, a good laugh! :)
There's one thing I'd like to correct. When you wrote: while they were pasted out to see if they liked it. I think you meant to spell 'pasted' with two s' and not 'st'. Just thought I'd like to point that out! ^_^
Great story! Post a request in my thread when Chapter 5 is in! ;)
AliciaAuthor's Response: wah! thanks for pointing that out. fixed it! TA status is good. XD
I definitely will! Thank you so much for reviewing and I'm glad I could get a laugh out of you! Report Review
Haha. I loved it! :p
Especially the part with Big Bird! LOL And the part where the Chloe's mum saw Harry! *shakes head*
No critique! :)Author's Response: lol, thank you i'm glad you like it!
Thank you for reviewing once again! XD Report Review
Hey there, Padfoot! :)
I think you've got a really great start. I love how you have Fred and George pick on Chloe about which twin they are. That's always a classic when they did that with Molly! :)
I got a bit confused when I was reading the memory part and then it flashed back to reality. I'm always used to seeing the memories in italics. But no biggy. I still enjoyed it! ^_^
I also like how you had Chloe excited when her birthday always came up and said the decorations were for her! :) So cute.
I didn't see any major problems with your story. So that's a plus! :) I think you've got a really great start here.
Onward to the next chapter! :D
AliciaAuthor's Response: when it came to the memory i talked to my editor about giving it italics, but because it was a bit of long memory we decided that the readers would understand. plus i didn't want to kill anyones eyes that might be reading it in the dark. lol i know i do that alot and sometimes with long memories in italics it bothers my eyes.
Nevertheless, thank you for giving it a read and am glad that you enjoyed it so far! XD Report Review
This was the best chapter yet. Like I said in the last review, I thought you needed more emotion, mood, and colorful dialogue. I guess I spoke too soon!
I really like the trip down memory lane. Adds great amount of personality once again to your OC. I also like the tell-tale signs of George crushing on Chloe. It adds to the plot that you are working on.
I rather adore Chloe because of her conniving and avengeful persona. Not only is she like the twins, but she's smart as well. It might seem that her character is too perfect, but by adding her fear of bugs, you toned down on her perfection by looking at her fears.
I do like that conversation during breakfast, as if had given this story a light, airy, fluffy, and humorous sort of mood - exactly what I was looking for! Your use of the small subjects abd objects are used amazingly, going along with the nice flow of events. Overall, this was an amazing chapter, your best yet!
Please do not forget to tell me if you updated! I can't wait to see what's next.Author's Response: thank you so much and i'm happy you like it so far! i'll definitely let you know when it update it! It maybe soon! XD
once again thank you and i'm glad you think Chloe's coming along nicely! X3 Report Review
I really do like this. Even if it's rather short, it does change a lot of things and adds a new light that any reader would smile at. I do like your use of flashbacks and memories. It adds something to a fic that I really don't understand.
I think that since this is a somewhat narritive peice, that it does take away from feelings and thoughts, but this story is going fairly well considering it. This chapter was a great asset to the plot which I can somewhat feel that you're going on.
Once again, your dialogue works great. I would think of more colorful sentences, not in the matter of curses and innuendos, but adding more of a personality. Although, I must credit you for the sentence that Chloe says towards the twins: "Of course, babe."
I think it does add a certain spark of personality, no matter how small the sentence. Once again, I cannot really advise much but to add mood and emotion more. I'm sorry I'm not much help at the moment, but once this story is off and running, I'm sure I'll be able to help more along the lines of whatever is needed.
*9/10Author's Response: I enjoy doing flashbacks. my larger stories have several of them through out it. i like showing the unseen scenes. lol!
Again thank you for the great review!! Report Review
I like this chapter fairly well, as it brings in your new character. I love the personality you gave her - blunt and somewhat spunky. I also like the introduction of the twins. They are rather nice characters to throw into a plot with the Weasley twins. I must say, I also like your names. The twins' names - Roy and Deon - are rather original and cute.
This chapter was also somewhat of a filler, introducing your OCs into the mix with the Weasley's and OOTP. I think, if there's anything you should really work on, it would be your mood. As of right now, I haven't the idea as to whether this will be a light and fluffy fic, or a romance with angsty endings.
To be honest, that is all that I can offer at the moment. I know that I haven't read the rest of the fic, but I am slowly trying to read and review every chapter as if you hadn't updated at all. This was a rather straightforward chapter with no real meaning other than to introduce new characters, but I do like it and the dialogue is fun to read.
*8/10Author's Response: thank you for reviewing and though it's just a filler chapter, i'm happy you've enjoyed it enough. ^_^ Report Review
Hi, I'm Malia - FragileWords - from the forums.
I just wanted to say that I love the fact that you started with a memory when they were little. It was small and cute, but rather informative. I also like the fact that you pull back into the present, showing how everyone else felt about your character. It was a nice touch, adding to the information that we can infer about your OC, Chloe.
Since this is my first review, and you do have chapters up, it will be rather short, but hopefully helpful.
First of all, I like that you took the time to characterise Fred and George, both in the memory and present. I also like the difference in schools that you had thought up. It's rather creative and nice, going along with your plot.
Since this is basically only a fill-in chapter, there isn't much I can say. This was a fairly done chapter and I think that you had it all nicely thought out. I see that you've gotten everything down and ready to blast off into a rather great story.
I'll be going on to the next chapter now! I'll leave this with your chapter rating:
*9.6/10Author's Response: I really had fun with making up the idea of the school, though the school itself belonging to JKR, it was still too much fun to make up. X3
SWI is in one of the scenes that take place in one of my novel lengths that I can't wait to get to! To finally show what it's like and how I see it in my head. *squees happily* okay, i'm done. lol!
I'm so happy you liked it so far and I hope you continue to do so! XD Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Hi, this is Aiwe Saito from the forums with your review!
Ok, so here's the dealio.
I really like this story. I feel like you have a great plot line, and what you're saying pulls people in... but you just have this kind of awkward phrasing, especially in the first couple of paragraphs, and that's someplace that you really can't have it, you know what I mean? That first chapter, that first paragraph, it needs to be THE most on-it part, and there are some people who would see that and just click back; which is a pity, because I think it is an excellent story and you've definitely gotten better, strictly grammatically speaking.
On another note, I'm really impressed with your spot-on Fred and George; I personally struggle with writing them, so I know how hard they can be, but I feel like your interactions were just so natural; really great job.
Keep me posted on this; it's a great start and I'm excited to find out what happens next!
♥-AiAuthor's Response: thank you for letting me know and pointing those things out to me, really. I noticed I have the habit of doing. I sometimes write first then edit later and end up missing somethings. ^^;
Nevertheless, thank you for the great review! XD Report Review
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