First, lets go over your strengths. For one, you know how to draw out your characters. Moth is very interesting, a bit weird, yes, but well who's isnt? She is projected very well and her replies are short and to the point, just like her. You've stuck to her character really well. For another, the others like Moony, Remus and Molly have been brought about really canon. As you mentioned in your AN that the grammatical structure was intentional, I wouldnt comment on that.
Next, your weaknesses. Firstly, even for a fast paced fic, this one is too fast. It elaborates the wrong details. If you want this fic as short, then give importance to the priorities. If you have a scene with War, explain the movement and the actions. Or else, it ends up seeming very dull. For a person who brings out her OC's this well, writing such scenes would be no problem, I'm sure about that. Secondly, in any fast paced short fic, attention is given to events that affect people in general. For eg. why dont you remove the part with Fleur gifting Harry and replace it with elaborating on the fighting sequences? Thirdly, the chain of events is very garbled and it puts off many readers. Why not let things happen chronologically? Less interesting to write but easier to read! Also, if knowledge is given through conversations, people tend to enjoy more (like, instead of telling readers that Death Eaters attacked on Grimmauld Place, why not have Harry discussing somthing with Fred and they hear something and then Death Eaters attack? more of surprise element). A lot of action is required, otherwise it seems like a dull narration. Involving the characters would help.
All in all, if you want to start on this fic again, start from the scratch. From the very beginning. The way you describe Moss's presence is very good. And, after all a little description never hurt anybody, did it?
Author's Response: oooh, yay, thank you for your constructive criticism! i'll definitely keep this in mind... if i do re-write this, i agree, i should start over. in fact if i ever get around to it i'm thinking of just making it novel-length, because there are scenes that are not key to the plot (such as the fleur scene) that i like too much to get rid of. thanks for your advice! Report Review
Intriguing but confusing. That’s my general reaction to this story. I read your author’s note in the beginning and have proceeded through the story with an open mind, but I’m having trouble understanding the choices you have made with the general structure. Setting aside plot and characters for the moment, I am not really sure I understand how this piece is laid out. What is the point of reference time wise? This is seventh year and on, I understand that, but what is past, what is present and what is future? It is very difficult to tell. The italics all seem to be references to past events, the moments Harry is “reliving” more or less, the only parts with actual dialogue, is that correct? Separating it out as you have makes it feel like a recollection, but I have no point in the present or future from which to reference his memories. I feel like I have to work too hard to keep up (or step back) to take in the more subtle details. I can appreciate playing with time, jumping around, and I think I got at some of that more disjointed feeling you were working at, but somehow things seemed to get a little garbled along the way. And by the time you reach Part IV, it seems you went in a whole other direction. Now we have our very first full out scene. It wasn’t poorly done by any stretch of the imagination; it just felt out of place. For three “chapters” we were getting nothing but snippets of Harry and his encounters with and/or thoughts about Moth, then all of a sudden there is an action sequence—with no Moth. My brain is having trouble figuring out how to categorize the story.
Okay, but enough about structure. On to plot. Hmm…is there really one? I am not sure. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are clear underlying tones that connect the pieces of this story together and move it along, but I am hesitant to say it constitutes a plot. Until Part IV I thought is was more or less a character study piece, which is great, but now I am not so sure. Perhaps Part V will give some insight
The meat of the story is clearly the characters. I like that the real intriguing character, Moth, is not the “narrator” of this story, and that we are in fact not even inside her head at all. I know I am personally more apt to like an OC if I’m not viewing the Potter world through their eyes. It is hard enough to warm up to OC’s let alone be forced inside their heads! I like Moth as a character, though I feel like I have only got to know her superficially. I know some of her oddities and quirks, but I don’t really know what makes her tick. Why is she so detached from her parents’ murder? What does she like about Harry? If she is so isolated, why does she warm to him and no one else? Where is the rest of her family? Why has she not turned to them in all this? She is an enigmatic character, but that doesn’t mean she can’t have great substance.
Sorry it took awhile to fill this review request. Hope you don’t mind I lumped it all together. It seemed fitting as, like you said, the story reads more like one long one-shot. Hope there is something helpful in my babble.
Author's Response: hey! no, it's fine, i'm glad you got around to it at all! yeah, i really don't think there's any plot in this story. :S i don't think i'm going to finish, though, haha. it was just one of my side-projects that somehow got some reviews. i'm glad you pointed out what you did, though; i hadn't really thought about a lot of that, especially how in not centering the story only around Moth, we actually don't know much about her at all. i think if i ever do continue this story, i'll group it into one one-shot and take out a lot of the stuff that doesn't really better the "plot." thanks for the review!! Report Review
The long awaited chapter four – and I bet you’re getting rather sick of reviews that push the 6000 character limit with reckless abandon.
I really like your reference to Sirius in this chapter – it’s quick and it really works with Harry. It gives a foreboding sense to the chapter – that everyone who is guiding him through his decisions is dead. I also really enjoyed the parallel to the scene in the North Tower with Hermione’s quick paralysis of Harry.
As I was reading through this, feeling that – perhaps because it was an active chapter – it was warmer than the past three, I caught something that I think is a discarded beta note toward the bottom center – “When his (real) landed on Harry.”
I can’t say I’m great shakes at writing action, so please take this for what it is, but I did notice an area in this chapter where the story, active as it needs to be, still seemed to move too fast – the prose at least. When Harry realizes that Voldemort has disapperated, the knowledge would be crushing for him, but it’s forgivable for him to rush past it because the battle is still raging and there are still people in danger and Death Eaters to be dealt with but the attention you’ve already given to the appearance, and subsequent disappearance, of Peter Pettigrew, I think you wanted to make this moment punch a bit. It might have helped to dedicate a few sentences or two to the actual disappearance of Pettigrew – maybe the expression on his face, that Harry managed to catch through the darkness and the trees. As another note on this scene and, again a bit off topic, the phrase “punched the air” makes me burst into raucous laughter every time I read it and, as I don’t think that’s what you intended, I’m going to suggest a different phrasing for that passage. Maybe something more like – “The battle temporarily disappearing around him, Harry ran his fingers through his hair and cursed loudly – Wormtail was evading him yet again.” (Note, I left the expletive out of my example – partially because it’s not appropriate for a review and partially because a lot of brit-pickers have a problem with that particular phrase.)
Sorry, this review is a bit shorter than the others but with a lot less Moth, there was a lot less to say. On the positive side – check it out, just one review :PAuthor's Response: i don't mind your reviews at all! yeah, chapter four was the one chapter i haven't edited and posted yet, so there are some mistakes and things. :) thank you for pointing them out, and i'm so glad that you took the time to review my fic! Report Review
**yet again, forced to leave a two part review :)**
With that having been said, if you’re interested in adding another flashback scene, including a passage to deal with the way that Fred’s death has impacted Moth, a person who didn’t know him very well but had still had the opportunity to see the impact he had on others, might add a great depth to the story and give her an opportunity to observe a family – biological or otherwise – experience the grief that she deprived herself of – perhaps to drag up some of her own emotions. I noticed in a review response on your last chapter that you mentioned finding her to be a lot like Luna because you think Luna and Harry would do well to be paired together, so I’m wondering now if, perhaps, where some of Moth’s detachment from grief comes from the way that Luna spoke of her own mothers death. On the off chance that it is where you’re coming from, there are a few things I feel honor bound to bring up – Luna telling Harry about her mother’s death is unique and different from Moth’s experience of her parents death for two reasons. First, Luna’s mother passed on quite a while before she was discussing it with Harry, meaning she’d had a considerable amount of time to deal with the issue, as well as to develop a strong relationship with her father that could help to compensate some for the loss of a parent. Second, Luna, odd though she may be and willing to put herself on the table without worrying terribly about what other people think, likely does hold something back, because everyone does, and perhaps what she was holding back from Harry at the time – and throughout their entire relationship – was her real feelings about the issue. If the relationship between Moth and Harry is going to develop, with her displaying no feelings about her parent’s deaths other than to dispel herself of the bother of feeling about them, it might be a good idea to, now that she is witnessing the death of someone else, allow her to share with Harry some of her more true feelings in an emotive fashion.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that they sit down together and have a good shared cry, but there are other ways for her to express the grief – through anger or violent determination. As a gauge on how human’s deal with loss, take a look at Neville Longbottom, who has, effectively, lost his parents and we’ve really been given the opportunity to see how he deals with it, both as causal friends and on a more in depth level. We see him afraid to tell anyone, and then we see him squirming at St. Mungo’s, but still desperate to cling to anything about them that he can with the bubble gum wrapper and, later, ready to give everything he has to protect his friends from his parents torturer. Author's Response: thank you SO much for your reviews, really, they were beyond helpful. i want to make pretty much every change you've mentioned, haha. please don't think that i'm not taking your advice to heart (because it was wonderful) if you don't see changes on this fic right off--i'm really trying to get The Wild written and done before i do much else. but really, i promise you that i will make these changes. they were so blunt and helpful, things i never would have noticed but things that would inevitably make the story better. thank you again for your lovely reviews!! Report Review
I’m on a roll
In the second passage of this story, you have a great opportunity that you may not have seen. As you are discussing the stories this man may have told about Harry’s parents, this seems like a really great chance to include some more of that emotion I mentioned in my last review which Harry can sometimes lack. True, you’ve stated that he’s choking on his grief, but colorful prose could really help to drive that point home in this area. I know, Harry’s not an OC, but if his character is real, it will be easier to make Moth seem real. If I were to try to rewrite that passage I think it might, offhand, come out something like this:
“The old man told wove almost fantastical tales, speaking glowingly of his mother and reverently of his father. For Harry, who had always heard his parents referred to in the past tense, it was painful to hear them spoken of so warmly - as though they might walk in the door at any moment, but he couldn’t bring himself to make the stories end and the neighbor was happy to oblige. He served hot chocolate and shared everything he remembered with his young guests, from the humorous stories of James’ first attempt to hang muggle holiday lights to the sad tale of his first sight of the wreckage the night they both died.”
Really, just something a bit warmer, but that still retains your style. Even if you wanted to leave that passage alone, the death of a major character like Fred would have rocked the world of Grimmuald Place. Molly, their primary source of warmth, sullen and depressed – the bulk of the order, making up Fleur, Bill, Ron, George, Harry, Ginny, Hermione, Charlie, Arthur, Molly, and Remus, to say the least, in a similar depressed or distracted boat – and the shock of their headquarters being compromised would have had a major emotional toll on all of them and, while I suspect they each would have reacted differently, the discussion here is so brief and expositional that you don’t give the reader time to really feel the aftershocks.
A bit further on from that first scene, you mention Moth as being “forgotten” and “ignored” and, perhaps it’s my attachment to the scenes at Grimmuald Place, but I find it hard to believe that anyone, even an anti-social, slightly odd, outsider would be ignored in a house so busy and so full of love and concern for one another. Molly Weasley alone could provide her with enough constant attention to make anyone’s stomach turn – at least, before the death of her son - and Hermione very seldom meets a person she doesn’t try to engage. While I can obviously understand Ginny’s aversion to befriending Moth, I think that, Hermione at least, would make an effort and perhaps even Tonks, being a bit quirky herself. Instead of going so strongly as to say she was ignored, maybe it might be more believable to say that, for all their efforts to include her when they were there, the near constant missions often left her alone with no one but Fleur for company. It will take out some of that drastic portrayal that makes it unbelievable and also impress upon the readers the sense of chaos within the Order at the time.
Moth, herself, seems to appear somewhat less in this chapter, giving it a heavier focus on Harry and how bedraggled he has become and I think that could be good for your story, as Moth’s development has been a bit Mary Sue-ish, Harry’s development beside her might help to explain why he is so attracted to her as a person. Still, I think warming up the language and portrayal I think will really help you to deal with both characters. Author's Response: i'm so glad you're really ripping Moth apart, there are so many little things i hadn't noticed--i'll be honest, she's the one OC i've spent the least time developing. like i said, this was supposed to be a one-shot and i really didn't put that much thought into it. thanks again, so much! Report Review
...and it worked :) excellent. your review, part two.
Lastly, I also noticed your authors note and your concerns that she’s too much like Luna. To be frank, and a little critical of JKR, Luna is a bit of a fantastical character – not a supremely real person in all cases and I suggested earlier some things that might help to make Moth seem more real – mainly in removing some of her more detached reactions. I think giving her more human reactions will help to differentiate her from Luna. I also think that, if you’re concerned people are bound to think they’re too similar, change some small details that don’t require a lot of text editing but will help to remove some of the similarities. For instance, perhaps instead of describing her eyes as protuberant, you might describe her face more like the one shown in your banner – angular lines, flat shapes rather than friendly rounds with large, sunken eyes. It should help differentiate the two characters in peoples minds a little bit because protuberant is a word so commonly associated with Luna among Harry Potter fans.Author's Response: you amaze me. :) really, thank you so much for taking the time to give these reviews, they are SO helpful--now i understand why you're only reviewing one of the stories i suggested; they're SO lengthy! and that's completely fine. thank you, again. Report Review
In the start of this chapter, I was greeted with a passage I think you intended to make paradoxical, but not quite as paradoxical as it was. You’re discussing that Harry has some sort of magnetic attraction to her, but mentioning that he doesn’t understand why, and you’ve seg-wayed into all of the things about her that are unremarkable and I think you missed an opportunity here. The odd sense I had about your last chapter came through here, and with a name. While the flashbacks are full of descriptive narrative – touching on their emotions, etc… - the basic narrative passages (which appear to be from Harry’s perspective) here lack that same emotive power. You say “it angered him” but don’t display any of that anger in the writing and, of course, I could be making a moron of myself (to find in four chapters that you reveal Moth was, in fact, the one telling this story, witnessing his every move through a crystal ball) but on the off chance I’m not, I’m going to say it – it seems completely devoid of feeling – expositional but not something that really grabs you. Maybe you could try taking charge of the passage by turning his lists of all of the reasons she’s unspectacular into more of a persuasive rant to himself – trying to convince himself out of being interested in her.
Now, of course, that I’ve advised that, I’m going to caution you that the relationship with Moth and Harry is going to a place, at this point, where the slight history you’ve given them can no longer compensate for his attraction to her and it’s rapidly approaching the realm of the Mary Sue, Harry/OC fic. The way he’s describing her in the first passages of this story is almost obsessive – and, even with Cho, that’s not how Harry reacted to a relationship. His character is more apt to run into someone, get the wind knocked out of him by their presence and then stammer something completely stupid. With that having been said, over the course of his relationship with Ginny and with the death of Dumbledore, we can expect that he would react somewhat differently to everything – including romantic relationships, and it’s even believable that he might be one to skulk a bit, but I think you’re leaving out a few key pieces. First, with Moth, Harry has been thrown into a dialogue with her in most cases, but as he encounters her in the library, there is no reason he needs to approach or talk to her. It might be prudent to give him a reason to do so – outside of his The Police obsession. Perhaps you might consider writing her to seem upset at the time – or maybe as it dawns on Harry that she’s here alone because her parents are dead, he feels sorry for her and decides that it is his duty to talk to her – to try and console her – even though he’s nervous because girls make him uncomfortable and because he’s convinced that everyone around him is in immediate danger of death. (You may already have intended the latter, but it didn’t read particularly clearly and, if you did already, you might consider punching it up again.)
Another thing I noticed during this scene was the honesty with which she answered him – about pretending to read a book. I find that most people aren’t that forthcoming with that sort of information – the kind that means they frequently stare into space for hours on end lost in thought. The fact that she does it is probably a very real reaction to the kind of trauma she’s feeling – this might even be a good time for her to say something about realizing that giving up her memories of her parents deaths might have felt like a good idea in the moment but, in the long run, have robbed her of the ability to properly grieve their deaths. It would drawn a parallel between what Harry went through, first, finding out that his parents didn’t die in a car accident and then again when he was in his third year, encountering the dementors.
For a final note on this chapter, I’m going to return to my concerns that their relationship is becoming a little bit fantastical. I’m hoping that the impression of large passages of time I sense between these flashbacks would actually exist on your actual timeline because, if they don’t, I think it further complicates your situation. Assuming that they do, however, I’m going to suggest that you might consider extending these chapters, as they are, to include more layers to their relationship. It wouldn’t even necessarily require more scenes, but rather, more information about other encounters they’ve had included directly into Harry’s narrative. The impression you seem to be trying to give the reader is that Harry feels as thought Moth has an innate understand of him, and him of her, but that sort of understanding doesn’t generally develop as quickly as the story tends to move. True, you are offered a large period of time to work with, but the empty spaces aren’t included in the stories and they can give her a sense of surrealism when related to her relationship with Harry. Even if you don’t feel like adding additional narrative all at one time, if you can put together paragraphs touching on different encounters they might have had and adding them in one at a time, you will eventually achieve a more lengthily developed and believable relationship between them without adding a lot more text.
**there is more to this review but the 6000 character limit wont allow me to post it so i'm going to give leaving it in two parts a try but, if that doesn't work, i'll send it to you via PM on the forums**Author's Response: ha, i think your reviews are so long i'll have to write this as i read!! :) no harm done, they're great. ahh! i think you should have written this story, really, you've got all of the great ideas i hadn't thought of! :D i like the idea of Harry trying to convince himself that he doesn't like Moth, i'll agree, it would make more sense.
i'll agree--i remember writing the scene where Harry confronts Moth in the library and vaguely thinking "I need a better reason," but just wanting to get it down on "paper" so i didn't really think much about it. i like your ideas (as usual) so i will definitely fix that as well. Report Review
Hi there, my_voice_rising – it’s lowered_expectations from the forums come to happily fill your request for OC critique. Keep in mind, when reading this, that I’ve only had a chance to look at the first chapter of your story so far.
I think what you have is a lot of small details that don’t a Mary Sue make, but when combined together are pretty much wearing a neon pink fedora. Being friendly with Harry, particularly someone he’s so infatuated with– can make people feel uncomfortable with a character and, even though she’s quirky, Harry seems to love her for that, rather than in spite of it, which means that the quirk is no longer humanizing her. I see, over the course of this chapter, that you’re setting up a history for their relationship and I don’t think his motivation for connecting with her is particularly clear – it’s an opportunity to pull out more of the human aspects of her as well as some of the human aspects of Harry. Perhaps instead of making him infatuated with her because she’s strange – as he never showed that attachment to the equally quirky Luna – or because he see’s a beauty in her others can’t (a major Mary Sue red-flag), what he sees in her is someone who is lonely. Harry has always been one to reach out to the lonely and friendless. If you look at the kind of friends he keeps- Ron, who doesn’t see a lot of respect from his fellow students for his academic and financial shortcomings – Hermione, who is so engrossed in her own schoolwork that no one feels particularly endeared to her – and even Luna, who people find to be just plain odd – it’s easy to see that Harry might reach out to her because he feels a bit sorry for her. After all, she has just lost her parents because he hasn’t yet slain Voldemort. Maybe he feels a bit responsible.
To go more in depth with technical advice, what you’re doing up-top is giving a lot of information about her – the way that she looks and the family that she comes from, etc… and it’s great to get all of that information in but I think your story would benefit by breaking it up a bit more. For instance, wait to explain about her parents and her name until later in the chapter when she’s telling Harry about her family or, if you would like to leave that where it is, consider moving discussion of her appearance further down and making it a bit less flowery (boys don’t generally say things like that :P). Have you considered trying it near the passage where you mention that her face has been haunting his dreams? The trick seems to be fooling people into learning about a character rather than giving them all of the information in a neat little package
Finally, I also think that her friendship with the Hogwarts ghosts might be working against you. You’ve compared her, in a way, to Luna Lovegood, but it’s good to note that, even though she is often seen alone and people don’t frequently talk to her, there are still some who feel comfortable doing so – in saying that she’s made friends with only the Hogwarts Ghosts, you might be adding another detail that works against you. Perhaps it would be a good idea to replace it with a passage like, “The more he noticed her, the more aware he became of the fact that she always seemed to be alone and he wondered if she, like Hermione, chose it.” It gives her darkness but it’s not quite as “don’t cry for me. With that having been said – if the ghosts become important to your story, there’s nothing wrong with saying that she has befriended them – Harry did, after all – but pointing it out seems to be a little…dramatic.
The last thing I wanted to mention is a little bit about the scene in which she is unloading her memories into the pensive and Harry walks in. While we haven’t seen exactly what happens when a person extracts a memory from themselves and deposits it into the Pensive, it might help to demystify this scene if she seemed – off…more off than usual, anyway. If Harry took a moment to find her detachment odd and note the wand in her hand or if, during the narrative (rather than the flashback) he mentioned what she had, in fact, been doing it might help to humanize her character. True, he’s angry, but perhaps he might be getting angry at the fact that she doesn’t seem to register his presence or really know why she’s in the office. He would perceive it as total disrespect on her part, but a more detailed description of it would prepare the reader for the end of the chapter and also might give them a sense that there was something “up” rather than that she’s just unfeeling or unusually strong. There is just a bit more of that in the fact that she doesn’t flinch when Harry is yelling at her – that quality might make it difficult for readers to connect with her. While she doesn’t seem to have had a particular interest in him – he is still the Harry Potter, so she would know who he is and what he is capable of. Fear or guilt or anger would be more normal reactions here.
After all of that, I think you’ve done some things that really work for you as well. You haven’t gone out of your way to make her character seem particularly pretty. While I still think Harry’s description of her lips, etc… is a little bit flowery, saying that she has “mousey” brown hair rather than the ever-popular “chocolate” helps, and the fact that her eyes are a bit oddly shaped is another point in her corner. And I think that you’ll be able to make her non-traditional background work for her. You’ve also taken the time to give her a reason for interacting with Harry – the death of her parents – his innate desire to protect people, mixed with his sense of responsibility for all things Voldemort does, is a more believable option than a drooling “She’s so…curvy!”
That's all for now!Author's Response: wowwwwww your reviews are amazing. :) thank you SO much, the length really helped--i can see what you're talking about completely. i agree now, about the ghosts, why he was "drawn" to her and how her reaction should have been in the pensieve, and i'm going to fix that right away! i hadn't thought about how flowery descriptions were very non-Harry, either. thank you so much for pointing these things out, i'll be sure to fix them!! Report Review
So much action! You did very good describing the Aurors battling the Death Eaters, but I just feel like there is so much happening so fast! There is barely any dialogue between the characters in between events. The story is so short and so much is happening that I feel the whole thing is a bit rushed. Your writing is so good, I would just love to see more in between the different sequences!
I can't wait for the next! Good job!Author's Response: hello again! yeah, it's definitely rushed, but this really was supposed to be a one-shot and i got kind of into it, haha. then i told myself only four chapters, and, well, that didn't happen either. ;) i completely agree that it would seem rushed, though, and i respect your opinion on that! maybe i should make an author's note or something. thanks again times a hundred for such great reviews! i really appreciate it! :D Report Review
A good story continues to be great! I love your use of words. The second to last paragraph "The next thing Harry knew..." was very well written and the language was very well used! Spicy! ^_^
I feel the story's events are progressing very quickly though! They seem to be happening with too much abruptness, particularly Fred's death. Your chapters are fairly short and your paragraphs are generally short as well. Don't be afraid to put more substance and detail in your story. I think that will only enrich it and make it a bit more cohesive as a progression of events and time.
Harry and Moth's relationship is also progressing very fast. I would have liked to see a bit more interaction and dialogue between them before their lusty encounter.
I think the song from Midsummer Night's Dream did fit quite well! Such beautiful and sad lyrics!Author's Response: hey! wow, you leave such great reviews. :) of course it's moving quickly--it's a short story!! :P i guess i should leave an author's note, though. i think i started writing this fic just after i had read something by francesca lia block. a lot of her stories are short stories, and i get so inspired by her that i start making things very fast-paced, etc. i guess i should make it clearer, too, that harry doesn't really love moth. in all honesty, he doesn't. :) thanks again for the lovely reviews! Report Review
Still a very good story and a very interesting character. I want to learn more about Moth.
My only critique is that the relationship between Harry and Moth is becoming a bit...unbelieveable. Even though Harry himself doesn't know why he is drawn to Moth, it is hard for me as a reader to understand as well, which is turning me off slightly to their partnership. Even though her parents were killed by Death Eaters and she is suffering like Harry has, she still feels no different than another character who has been affecting by Voldemort. I just don't feel that she is different enough to matter to Harry. I am battling with this because I know that is your intention, but there just seems to be not enough reason for it. But perhaps your future chapters will soothe me and I will understand ^_^Author's Response: haha, i hope so! i think it was easy for me to write harry and moth because sometimes she reminds me of luna, and i think luna and harry would be a good pairing (don't shoot!). but i understand what you're saying. :) Report Review
An interesting beginning with a very interesting OC. She is mysterious and I am eager to learn more about her as you have not revealed too much about her just yet, which I think is a very good writing decision. Too often do authors reveal everything about their characters in the first chapter of a story. I think that you work really well with descriptions and really getting certain images into a reader's mind. Your choice of words is very good and not repetitive.
You have some grammatical and sentence structure errors here in there, especially in your use of commas. I do not quite yet understand the use of the italics. Is it to denote past events or just interactions between Moth and Harry?
A good start! I will definitely read the rest!Author's Response: hey! yeah, i started to re-read this fic yesterday and was like "AUGH!" because of the horrid sentence structure. so i'm pretty much re-writing the whole thing as we speak, going back and fixing things. i should have waited to ask for reviews until after i did that. :) but any way, i'm glad you still took the time to review, thank you for the compliments and the criticism! Report Review
jeez ... that was action packed to say the least. my breath was held within my chest. it was until after i scanned your author's note that i realized i hadn't been breathing. lol. you certainly know how to bring the tension out of me. great job! i'll be waiting patiently for you next update. much love! ;) ~nomkkinAuthor's Response: Aww, you're too kind! I really appreciate your reviews; I really admire your writing. I'm sure I've babbled about this before. :) Thanks so much for the review! <3 arienette. Report Review
I must say it's an interesting name for her character. I liked it so far and I'd like to see where this is going to go. I shall read on. Great job!Author's Response: Thanks a lot! I really like your pen name, by the way. <3 arienette. Report Review
I'm really beginning to love your writing style, its very unique, and I'm finding that I really like the idea of this story. Keep up with the lovely work, and hope to see the next update soon. <3Author's Response: Thank you so much! I was really inspired by the author Francesca Lia Block... you should read her stuff if you're not familliar with her; she is SO amazing. Thanks for the review! <3 arienette. Report Review
ah, i really liked this chapter. but fred died :( *tear* i love your writing style and of course the shakespear inclusion. please update soon!Author's Response: yes, poor fred. :( the weasley twins have always been my favorites. haha. thanks so much for the review, and schweet, you recognized shakespeare. <3 arienette. Report Review
I am absolutely loving your story so far. Everything about it is wonderful, the way you portray the characters, Moth, and Harry's relationship with Moth(By that, I mean that something is obviously there, but it isn't completely tied together just yet.) Everything is vivid and realistic, and just beautiful. I look forward to more!
-SergeAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I didn't want anything "official" between Harry and Moth, because he's obviously thinking of more important things. (I don't think I'm going as crazy over my Out of Your Realm Challenge fic as others are... :S) Thanks so much for the review. <3 arienette. Report Review
How do I give this story a proper review? You cannot see my awed face. I'm sure. But this was more than a delightful read. You have this ability to make even the smallest gestures and moments poignant as if they were the story itself. I loved this particularly, "Most of the time Moth was forgotten or ignored.
Harry remembered she was there."
Brilliant. Fantastic. Lovely.
And this one: "
“You must get some rest, Harry,” said Mrs. Weasley sternly, turning her red eyes back to the dishes. She always looked misty-eyed, and once or twice she actually broke down sobbing at the dinner table, when she almost accidentally put an extra plate down for Fred." That scene came to life before my eyes. Very well-written. And of course, I loved the last part where Harry and Moth have a moment.
Just stunning.Author's Response: I was afraid that putting another Harry and Moth scene in the midst of all of this war would seem rather out of place and pointless. Thanks so much for being such an absolutely lovely reviewer, you really don't know how much it means. <3 arienette. Report Review
Gorgeous chapter. I love how Harry finds a refuge in Moth. He seems to be wary of indulging himself in her company but then...this: "
He didn’t know what it was. But something about hearing those words made him walk across the small room and draw her in by the back of her neck. Hearing those words made him part his lips and press them against hers so hard, so he would be certain that he was really there."
My absolute favorite line. And now, I shall add this to my favorites also.
Please, do continue.<3Author's Response: You've got everything on point, and I'm glad you've picked up on things like Harry taking refuge in Moth, as you so perfectly put it. I'm so glad you like my fic and even more for adding it to your favorites, really, it means a lot. <3 arienette. Report Review
You know, I'm not sure if you meant to or not, but Moth has a sort of haunting presence. (Now that I think of it, I think you intended that. :] ) But yes, I realized finally that I'd been trying to place where I'd read the eerie, yet endearing characterization of her for a while. And then I remembered this fic and reread of course. I really admire what you've done for her characterization. She's eccentric and yet...ethereal. Gah, to put it simply: brill[iant] job.Author's Response: Wow, you make me blush a lot. Thank you so much for being so kind, and I'm really glad you enjoy the fic and Moth. Thanks so much. <3 arienette. Report Review
Ooh, that was a good chapter!! And Fred's dead! Oh how sad.. *sniff* But still, very good! I can't wait for the next one!Author's Response: I wanted to kill someone off that I--and I think everybody else--was a big fan of, so that it would be more poignant. Thank you so much for your review. <3 arienette. Report Review
ugh! it's wonderfully beautiful! and this made me like Fluer a lil bit too. she's sweet to try and cheer Harry up. Moth is such a different character, one that you would never expect for him to fall for, however the title fits perfectly, so i can totally see it. great job my dear, you've kept me in love with your story for sure! much love! ;) ~nomikkinAuthor's Response: Thanks so much. I wanted Moth to be completely different than Ginny, and I actually kind of think that Moth and Harry balance each other out. Better than I thought an OC would, any way. (Yay Harry/Luna!!) Thanks so much for you review! <3 arienette. Report Review
I am really enjoying this story. Moth is a unique and likeable character. I like how you didn't make her perfect. This whole story has a feeling of peacefulness, like the lull before the storm. I loved how you put some of the story in italics. This makes it seem (to me at least) like those parts were flashbacks. Anyways, great job. I hope you continue it and I'm sorry for the not-so-helpful, but very rambling (is that even a word?) review.Author's Response: Of course it is a word, silly! :) Thanks so much for the review--I don't find it not-so-helpful. Haha. I did put some parts in italics because of flashbacks... glad you picked up on that! I don't think I made that clear enough. Thanks so much for your kind words. <3 arienette Report Review
Why do I get the feeling that Moth is like a ghost? She not only has made friends with the two ghosts (as you mentioned in the first chapter), but she has such an elusive nature that is very "ghostly". It's interesting how you have all Harry's conversations with her entirely written in italics - it added a sort of surealism, yet also made them stand out from the rest of the narrative. I loved the scene with the birds - it had quite the wonderful imagery in it, picturing the bird sketches in the small room. This is a beautifullly put together story. I really enjoyed reading it. =)Author's Response: Haha, no, no, she's not a ghost. That would be entirely too M. Night Shyamalan of me. :) I'm glad you liked the scene with the birds; it was one of my favorite to write. (Aside from the scene in the girls' loo! Yay Myrtle!) Thanks so much for the reviews. <3 arienette. Report Review
This is a wonderful premise for a story you have here. It's so different from other OC stories, yet still keeps some elements of it, such as her being an orphan. I really like your writing style as well, it's very captivating - easily keeping my interest. Moth is a rather mysterious character, first with her name, then with her actions later on in the chapter. Including Myrtle at the end was a great idea, especially with her line "I think she likes you Harry", which really made me feel as though the story was getting in motion. The flow, the characters, the writing - it's all wonderful! Congrats on suriving timeturner's challenge so well! =DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I really like Myrtle... she's hilarious. I don't think she gets enough 'screen time' in fanfiction. The challenge was a great idea, and timeturner is a goddess for thinking of it! Thanks for the review. <3 arienette. Report Review
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