Hi, it's Molly from the forums, here with your requested review. First let me apologize for the delay. Secondly, in your request you said that this chapter was your primary concern so this is one I'll be addressing, so if anything I say in my review has been covered in the previous chapters, well, I apologize for that too.
Anyway! I will say that this has intrigued me. I'm very curious about this Annabel character - there's something off about her, that's for certain. What it is, I can't quite say, all I know is that it's a little unsettling how completely fascinated she is with Sirius. The Marauders are right to worry after their friend.
Talking of the Marauders, I thought you handle their characterizations pretty well. Some of the traits we know about them were a little over exaggerated - such as Remus being such a big bookworm and James being oh so in love with Lily - but it didn't detract from the chapter. What little we saw of them was nice and their willingness to do whatever they can for their friend was very in character to me.
From what I've seen, there were not many grammatical mistakes. The only one that stuck out to me was this:
...You’re family, and you, Sirius, are so much more interesting.”
Instead of 'you are' it should be 'your'. Other than that small mistake, which was more likely a typo than anything else, I didn't see any glaring mistakes.
Overall, I think you did a really good job with this chapter. And for someone who hasn't read the first two, I feel like I have at the very least a good grasp at the characters and the plot.
- MollyAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Hey there, it's Molly from the forums with your requested review. Sorry for taking so long for getting this review to you. I've been really busy, so I apologize if it's a little abrupt.
I believe characterization was your first and primary concern. I'll say that I was surprised when I saw that it was Gellert-centric fic. You don't get many of those, so I was very eager to dive in. I wasn't disappointment with what greeted me. You did a really great job at getting into Gellert's mind. The only thing I noticed was the mentioning of Gellert having a wand whilst in prison - I thought it was confiscated and broken. I'm probably wrong, but that's really the only glaring thing that stuck out to me as potentially being not right to me?
I'll admit that I was a little wary of the pairing, but it's not the pairing that makes the piece, is it? It's the writing and you have a knack for it. That said, even though this is just the first chapter, you wrote it believably, which is really the only thing that matters. I'm interested to see where you take this. Very interested indeed.
Sorry this review isn't more helpful. I wanted to get this to you so you wouldn't think that I had forgotten about it.
- MollyAuthor's Response: Hello!
That's okay; sorry it took so long to respond!
I adore Gellert! He's underloved AND a villian. He's like the Loki of the Harry Potter fandom (just without the fan-girls haha).
Thank you for such an amazing review!
Jasmine, x Report Review
I'll tell you what, though - if it was Edie, Dean, and Seamus slurring incoherently in a loud room for the entirety of the story, I'd love it all the same.
However before I get into full on review mode, I must apologize for the delay in getting this review to you. Usually I'm much quicker than this, but RL has slowed me down.
Anyway! Back to the story!
Edie is such a delightful OC. In a sea of quirk, clumsy, Manic Pixie girls, she really stands out. Yeah, she marches to the beat of her own drum, but it's a believable tune that's beating, not something that's over the top and, quite frankly, ridiculous. You did an amazing job with her characterization - I'm already tripping over my tongue trying to write this review because I like her that much already. I think the thing I love most about her, though, is how easy it is to relate to her. Being stuck in a dead-end job where you're under-appreciated and not really knowing what direction your life is going to take speaks volumes to me. It helps that Edie's voice rings strong and true thanks to your brilliant writing. I feel like I know her so well already and it's only the first chapter. I can't wait to see more of her.
As for your other characterizations, I think they're brilliant. Dean and Seamus are such great minor characters and I really love when they're pulled into the center of the picture rather than shuffled to the back. There's so much unexplored potential there and I really think you hit the nail on the head with their individual characterizations, especially Seamus. I could hear him in my head as he gave his little toast, slurred Irish lilt and all. And Dean! Well, I always liked him in the books, but in this? I know he hasn't really played too big a part yet but I can tell you right now that I'll probably become his biggest fangirl. So just a warning to you, haha. Even though we didn't see her at all, I felt your characterization of Lisa was very good. Despite her not being physically present in this chapter, I have a good feel of what her relationship with Edie is and how she acts in general, which is a very hard thing to accomplish.
I think your other concern was an overload of information, which I don't think you need to be worried about. Was there a lot of information provided? Yes, there was, but you wrote it in a way that we were given it in small doses rather than all at once. Basically, it didn't feel like I was being force to swallow and digest this huge pill of information. Instead, it was very natural, organic almost.
I really can't think of anything else to say aside from stellar job! I'm already in love with the characters you've both created and fleshed out, and I honestly can't wait to see what you do with them.
Beyond fantastic job!
- MollyAuthor's Response: Wow! Thank you for such an in-depth review. I am trying not to squeal right now ;) And don't apologize for real life situations getting in the way, it happens to the best of us.
It's funny--you're actually the second person to say that about reading a story comprised entirely of them being drunk. Hehe. That's actually really refreshing because I wasn't sure how people would take it.
I'm so glad you like Edie!!! I was inspired to write this story because I felt like so many OCs are so unrealistic because their life-situations are perfect, even in minute ways like being wealthy or really beautiful. I wanted an OC who is going through the same struggles as I, but has a core group of friends that keep each other going.
I really hope you fangirl over Dean! He is definitely a canon character that needs some more love. And I have a really soft spot for Lisa. I'm excited for her to appear more in the later chapters. :)
I really appreciate you taking the time to read my story, and especially to leave such an amazing response. You're amazing, Molly! Report Review
Hey there, Kayla. I apologize for the delay. Once again, I've been swept up in the whirlwind that is the real world, much to my dismay. But fear not, for I am here with your requested review - finally!
First of all, let me say that I was pleasantly surprised by this. I think out of all the pieces you've requested reviews for from me, this is by far your best. With each piece you produce, you just get better and better; there is such improvement in your writing and I'm so happy to see you really coming into your own.
Okay, now to touch upon the areas of concern. I believe the first one you mentioned in your request was concerning the pronouns you used. I don't know if it's because I'm a big fan of using pronouns rather than the character's actual name, but I thought you did it wonderfully. There were a few instances where I had to go back and reread a few words just so I was sure I had a firm understanding of whom you were referring to, but it didn't retract from the overall experience of reading the piece.
On that note, I must say that the flow of this was very nice. There were no moments where I felt severely disjointed or thrown for a loop. It was all very concise and to the point, but not so much so that it was boring. Quite the opposite, actually. The more I read, the further I was pulled into the meat of the piece. So good job with keeping up the interest and actually building it as you went along.
I know your other concern was whether or not Snape was too out of canon. Personally, I felt that he was, mostly because Snape didn't care if James or Harry survived; he was concerned with Lily's survival and only hers. He said it himself to Dumbledore. And while I think he might have had momentary lapses of judgment in regards to Harry, I don't think he would've gone so far to say that Harry was brave - foolhardy and arrogant, yes, but never brave. Also, I thought your version of Snape was a little too lenient in his feelings towards James. It's easy to see in canon that Snape still despises James and that's because he got everything that Snape ever wanted. James was everything that Snape wanted to be, but never could. However, I will say that this new spin you put on Snape was an interesting one, even if it conflicts with my own personal feelings regarding Snape, I thought you did a good job fleshing out his character. Mostly it's just a matter of personal preference, but your Snape was almost a little too nice and a great deal more sympathetic than, I feel, he deserves, lol.
All in all, this was a really great one-shot. You should feel very proud of the work you've done.
- MollyAuthor's Response: Hi, Molly! It's okay for the delay, I understand that real life can sometimes get in the way!
Oh wow, thank you! I'm glad to hear that you think I'm improving! :D
Okay, so no adding names? Just make it more clearer, then! :D I don't like using names either, so I was really reluctant to add names, I just wanted to get a second opinion! :)
Glad to hear the flow was good, I always worry about that! :p
Ahaha, I think I'm going to make him a bit more bitter, but I still want to keep that kind of niceness within him, he definitely doesn't deserve all the sympathy but I thought I'd put a new spin on his personality. But I will make him a bit more bitter and use less positive words.
Thank you so much for taking the time to review this! I will be fixing it up soon, I just have limited time. Your tips are greatly appreciated! Thanks again! :D Report Review
Hey Jess, it's Molly from the forums with your requested review! I apologize for taking so long to get to this; I was preoccupied with RL things, most unfortunately.
I loved this piece. Really, truly loved it. Every word was perfect. There was such a childlike naivety to this. You captured the essence and wonder of Peter Pan beautifully, and it worked really well when applied to Lily and James and their friends.
That last paragraph packs such a punch. Honestly, I was sitting at my computer, wiping my eyes on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. It's so sad, how they were all so long when they died. Easily my favorite part of the whole piece, not just for the emotional impact but also the beauty of the prose.
This was a great one-shot and a wonderful use of the 500 words allotted to you. Fantastic job!
- MollyAuthor's Response: Hi Molly! Thank you so much for stopping by; I apologize for taking so long to respond to your lovely review.
I'm so glad that you enjoyed this; that makes me so very happy! I really wanted to represent James and Lily properly and portray every bit of their story that reminded me of Peter Pan and I'm over the moon that you think I captured that! So thank you!
And I feel so much better about the ending now that I've read your review - thank you so much! I'm sorry that it made you cry but it makes me happy in an evil way because that's the kind of response that I wanted. I really appreciate all of your wonderfully kind words about the ending.
So thank you thank you thank you! I really appreciate it!!!
~Jess :D Report Review
Hey, it's Molly from the forums here with your review. Sorry there was a bit of delay!
I really enjoyed this one-shot! I thought you captured Snape's anguish over all of his past misdeeds and regrets very well. Usually, I don't feel very sympathetic towards Snape, but there were a few moments in this where my heart really went out to the guy. I don't know if this was intentional or not, but his love for Lily almost seemed obsessive, which is how I always imagined his feelings towards Lily to be. I won't go into a long-winded rant about my feelings toward Snape/Lily, but you pulled this unrequited love bit off very, very well.
You mentioned something in your request about this one-shot making sense. I thought it made perfect sense. I was never confused by the time or the situation; it was all very clear in the language you used. Which was very pretty, by the way, without being overdone. I love subtlety in writing and you've achieved it beautifully in this one-shot.
Sorry my review's not longer, but I can't find anything to critique about this piece, other than it not being longer.
- MollyAuthor's Response: Hi! First of all -- SO sorry that it's taken me so long to respond to this. I really have no great excuse for it, and I definitely don't try and make it a habit to leave so long between responses. I'm a bit embarrassed, actually! Thank you for being so great and patient.
I'm happy that you enjoyed this story! Snape is one of my favorite characters to write, and I feel like I do so pretty often; he's kind of my go-to when I'm feeling like writing something new. And yet I do think that, yes, his love for Lily was a bit obsessive. I love the idea of it, but at the same time... he gave his entire life over to a dead woman, and there is something to think about in that, either positively or negatively. I'm doubly appreciative that you, with perhaps differing feelings on Snape/Lily, enjoyed this all the same!
My one-shots have taken a somewhat more stylistic turn in the past nine months or so, and so I'm always mildly concerned about them making sense, as it were. And thank you for your compliment on the language usage, too! :)
Again, I'm really, really sorry about how long it's taken me to respond to this review. Thank you so much for leaving it, and I hope to someday see you back on my author's page! Report Review
Wow. I wish I knew a way to put my thoughts into comprehensible words at the moment, but alas I'm speechless.
The imagery in this was just - it was stunning, simply put. It wasn't overworked and excessive, but subtle and, in my humble opinion, perfectly executed. I loved the way you wove the threads of the original fairy tale into a believable and quite frankly lovely (in a very tragic way, mind) portrait of Eileen Prince's life both before and after she married Tobias. It was very vivid and sad, wonderfully done.
The characterization of Eileen and her development in the story was just marvelous. I wish I had more to say on the matter, but I doubt you want me to ramble on and on about how lovely and perfect and amazing the transition from dark princess to black queen was just magnificent.
I'm definitely adding this to my favorites.
Truly wonderful job.Author's Response: Hello, and thank you for this lovely review! I'm so very sorry that this response took ages!
Thanks! I seem to struggle with laying a little thick on the imagery sometimes, which is certainly better than just forgetting it entirely (as I used to do) but still in need of work. I'm trying to practice weaving it in more effortlessly and making it part of the story, rather than a starring character. I'm also glad that the mood worked well and you felt like the fairy tale and canon made for a good mashup.
I'm glad you liked the transition for Eileen's character and the story overall. Thanks again for this wonderful review and the favorite :)
Amanda Report Review
Hey, it's Molly from TGS. First off, I must apologize for taking so long to get to this review. I'm normally not so slow on the turn-around, but the truth is that I forgot about my thread on TGS, just as I said I was prone to do, and I apologize if you've been expecting this sooner.
Secondly, I was pleasantly surprised by this, though at first I must admit that I was a little wary. In my head, I kept thinking 'is this girl for real?' and then I reread the summary and saw that it was a parody of sorts. I breathed a sigh of relief, and everything made sense. And then it became immensely more enjoyable from that point on.
Wendy's characterization is quite brilliant, if I do say so myself. She's everything that her housemates aren't - or at least seems to see herself that way. I love how among all of the cliches that comprise her personality, there are still spurts of originality that really make her unique. Had she not possessed those traits, I don't think I would have been very interested in her story, but she does, and I am!
The flow was good! I wasn't confused at any point. It didn't feel choppy or disoriented. There was a good blend of narration and description. I particularly enjoyed the descriptions of the dorm room! For your first foray into third person, I think you did a magnificent job!
Really well done!
- MollyAuthor's Response: Hi Molly! Don't worry, it wasn't that long of a wait ;) If this wasn't a parody, I wouldn't be able to tolerate this story. It was for a challenge where I had to work with two cliches and what better way to do that than by parodying it? Thanks for the review, it really helps a lot hearing what other people think and I was a tad worried with the third person narrative because it was my first time, so your review is very reassuring. Thanks again!
Aisha Report Review
Oh goodness, I am so sorry it took me so long to get to this review. Honestly, I usually don't take this long but real life swept me up as it is prone to do and I didn't have time for this. Anyway, I'm here now with your requested review!
To be quite frank, this is not what I was expecting when I clicked the link. I thought perhaps it would be AU in the sense that one or two events had been altered. But not this. My heart is aching at the thought of not just one of the Golden Trio dying, but all three. And the fact that Draco is the one who killed Hermione is just...I don't know what it is, exactly, but it resonated with me.
The descriptions in this were, in a word, amazing. Hermione's pain was mine; I felt her confusion, her despair, her desperation. You did a great job writing her, especially from the first person, which, I think, is a lot more difficult to accomplish with a canon character. The tension was palpable, the horror unbelievably imaginable, and I felt for every single poor soul that died and was dying on that battlefield.
If anything, this one-shot made me appreciate the ending we got because if it had been anything like this, I don't think I would have any hope in humanity. And by that I mean to say that you took on the darkness and bent it to your will to create this really great one-shot.
Just a really superb job!
- MollyAuthor's Response: I know all about RL getting in the way so I wasn't worried about it. I knew you'd get here when you could ;)
I'm so glad you enjoyed this story since it's one of my personal favorites!
I wrote this long before the last book came out, and though I knew it was doubtfull that JKR would kill off everyone (as I have a tendency to do LOL) but I always thought it was a possibilty.. it is war after all, and in war the good guys don't always win.
I'm glad you liked the discriptions and that they helped you really get into the story. To this day I still get sniffly when I reread this one so it' nice to see that affects someone else the smae way.
Thank you so much for the wonderful review!
~Moon~ Report Review
More Lily/James, I say!
But no, really, yet again you did a great job at balancing the plot with the romance aspect. I loved it!
The plot is definitely thickening and I'm really worried that nothing but bad things will come out of the secret they're all keeping. I wish Lily would've spoken up, but I understand her hesitancy to do so.
Once again, I'm super impressed by your characterization of Sirius. There's just something about the way you write him that feels so canon to me. Perhaps it's the darkness that shrouds his peripheral. At any rate, I love it. I also love how close you've made him and Peter - it makes his reaction to Peter's betrayal all the more believable.
Anyway, I'm so excited to read more of this and demand that you update soon! Yes, you read that right - I demand it! Or, at the very least, very politely request that you publish the next chapter just as soon as you're done with it!Author's Response: More Lily/James ALWAYS. I really do enjoy writing the interactions between them--they're my OTP and my favourite characters. I've always considered this story much more of a James/Lily story than a Marauders story. But usually, I get worried that people will be annoyed if I only focus on the two of them--and, realistically, it's not like any couple spends ALL of their time together.
Anyway. I seem to be explaining myself for no reason. Moving on... :P
The Order is this fascinating thing to me--I think there's a temptation to see it as this altruistic, let's-join-hands-and-vanquish-evil group, but I just see all of these individual human beings with their own motivations and opinions, and it's wonderfully flawed. Lily and the Marauders aren't the only ones who keep things to themselves, and that will likely come up later on--not in a terribly important way (or, at least, as far as I can think ahead), but I have a few small plans. ;)
I'm SO happy you liked the part about Sirius. I originally wrote that a couple chapters back, but ending up editing it out and saving it for later. :P Oddly enough, Sirius is a character that really intimidates me. I love his dark edges, much more than his good qualities, and I have trouble putting the two together sometimes. And I don't know what it is about him and Peter that just goes together really well in my mind--they always gravitate towards each other in conversations, and I feel like they have a similar sense of humour.
I'm going to try super super super hard to finish the next chapter by next weekend. I know it's a bit later than the weekly updates I've been doing recently, but that's life for you. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Ah! I didn't know that you had updated, so imagine my surprise when I get back from my brief holiday and see not one but two chapters!
This was awesome! I loved how we got plot development in the first half of the chapter and a bit of fun in the second half. You have a lovely way of balancing things out between the two halves so there's never too much of one thing but a nice collection of a whole bunch of things.
The stag bit was a lovely touch - made me grin from ear to ear.
I'm starting to get that sense of dreaded anticipation in my stomach - you know, the one that reminds you that things are about to get darker and far worse than they have been. I'm just bracing myself for the impact of it all.
Great job, Penny, as per usual!
Onto the next chapter!Author's Response: :P I was a busy busy author there for a while! (Alas, I started a full-time job this past week, which is really cramping my style when it comes to writing.)
So happy to hear there was a good balance in this chapter. It felt a little off to me for whatever reason, so I'm very glad that it didn't come across that way on your side of the screen. I did think they were due for some fun, though!
Can you believe the stag thing? It was the most amazing discovery. :P
I'm really happy that you've got a sense of anticipation for the rest of the story--definitely makes me feel like I'm doing something right!
Thank you so much for the review! :D Report Review
Hey there! Sorry for the delay on your request, but here I am!
So I'm going to start with the concern you asked me to look at - which was flow. All in all, it was very fast paced. I know it was a one-shot and it's not supposed to be overly long, but I feel like each of the sections could have been bulked up a little bit, maybe with more narration/description or just a few more scenes to properly convey the relationship between Percy and Oliver. Not just that, but I feel like there wasn't a lot of opportunity for the reader to get acquainted with the characters. I personally felt like I was thrust right into the thick of it without really knowing what direction I was supposed to be headed in, if that makes any sense. However, at the same time, I think you did a really great job with some of the moments in which we see the pair of them interacting together - I particularly enjoyed the segment where Percy wants Oliver to punch him in the face, lol.
Talking of Percy and Oliver, I never really got a sense of romance or even attraction for either of the two parties, which I was expecting after that really good opening segment where Oliver is grieving over Percy's death. Like I said, each of the sections could use a little bulking up if only because it needs more substance to make the relationship between them believable. I do think I got a better sense of Percy's character than I did Oliver's, but that might be because I'm familiar with BBC's Sherlock and know the type of character you were going for. All the same, you did a good job with Percy's character, even if I personally didn't quite understand his motivation for leaving the Ministry and pursuing a career in the Muggle world. Still, you did a good job with that.
There are a few grammatical errors in this piece, nothing that a quick read-through or maybe even a beta reader couldn't fix. Such as:
You don’t use magic?’
It makes it less fun.
“That’s amazing Percy.”
Each line should have quotations around it.
Also, there were a few moments where the tense and POV was switched. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it was confusing. One such moment is this:
The bed is cold, and the house is silent. But still at the dead of night, he can hear you talking.
I don't know who the 'he' and the 'you' are in this situation. It was unclear and made the ending a lot less emotionally impacting than it could have been.
All in all, though, this was a good piece. I'd merely suggest beefing it up a little bit and fleshing out the characters as well as the romance so it doesn't feel so forced. Also, giving it a quick read-through to look for those pesky errors that escape even the best of us.
- MollyAuthor's Response: Thanks, at some point I'm going to go back through this. When I was writing it, it just sort of came out and then I was so excited at writing my second slash that I just threw it in the queue.
Thank you so much for such a through review, and I'm glad you liked it. :) Report Review
Hey, it's Molly from the forums, here with your requested review!
In a word, this was hilarious! Not exactly the typical Lily/James format, which was very entertaining to read and also very refreshing. The humor was ridiculous enough that I was laughing out loud but not so out of line that I felt weighed down by it. It definitely helps that James is the narrator and we know that he's exaggerating the details!
Now to touch upon the things you were concerned about!
Characterization - Aside from the high level of ridiculousness, I thought the characterizations of the four boys were very spot-on, mainly in the present day sections. They had a very relaxed, very easy give and take. They weren't being obnoxious in their teasing of one another; there was just the right amount. Also, you did a very good job at conveying the depth of their friendship. I know that sounds odd, but I don't think many people outside of his best friends would sit around and listen to him boast about himself - playfully, of course - for a few hours. It's hard to explain but I felt a deep sense of camaraderie among them.
Tense switching - I didn't have any trouble distinguishing between the past and the present. And even if you didn't provide the breaks, I don't think I would have if only because you utilized the present tense as well as the past accurately. I've tried searching for slips, but I couldn't find any. It's very amusing, hearing James talk about how lovely and perfect he was as a child and I must say, hearing him refer to Lily as 'the devil' is not only amusing, but very strange! In a good way, of course! It's a new spin on a story that's bee told many times in many different ways. As an avid reader and writer of Lily/James, it's refreshing to see a different take on it! Very refreshing indeed!
Try as I might to find things to criticize, I couldn't. The characters were original but still very in line with what we know about the Marauders. Though this is only the first chapter, I'm already intrigued to learn exactly how this is going to play out, mostly because I'm very amused by James' point of view on the matter. I do wonder what, exactly, Lily did that's made James suddenly feel the need to tell his version of the story!
Great job! If you wanted to come back and request a review on the next chapter, I think you'll find I'd be very eager to fill that request :P
- MollyAuthor's Response: Hi Molly! Thanks for getting back so quickly! I wasn't expecting it until so much later! :)
Yeah I'm glad you picked up on that! I was actually hoping the summary would tell anyone reading it that this story probably wouldn't be an accurate description as to what has happened, despite James saying it is :P
I'm always so concerned about the way the Marauders are portrayed. There are just so many different variations of how they are and it's hard finding the right depth to their friendship. In saying this, I always have this idea that James doesn't leave much room for anyone else to speak sometimes because that's just how he is (for me) hence the story :P
It's my first time writing from past to present tense so I was a bit nervous in case I made some mistakes! Haha! I was grinning so much when I wrote about James' description of himself, so I'm really happy you enjoyed that part! I'm quite excited about this one so I really, really appreciate the fact you find it refreshing :D
The next chapter will be up soon since I've finished writing it so I'll definitely be coming back to you to re-request!
Again, thank you SO SO SO much for taking the time to read and review my story! I really appreciate the feedback Report Review
It's Molly from the forums with your requested review!
As a huge fan of the Founders era, I've got to say that this is one of the more original stories I've read in regards to the reason behind Helena's fleeing and eventual murder.
I was surprised by the characterization of Rowena in this - in a good way, I assure you! I haven't ever seen her characterized quite so darkly before, it made for a very interesting read! Usually she's proud and formal, yes, but still compassionate. In this, however, I feel that her attitude definitely fits the time period as well as the status of someone like her - assuming, of course, than the Ravenclaw family is one of pureblood, which everyone, including myself, seems to think. Basically what I'm saying is that I love this deliciously dark take on Rowena. She still has some redeeming qualities in that she wants what she thinks is best for her daughter, meaning that her heart is almost in the right place, just not quite there yet :p I thought it was a brilliant characterization.
I felt very sorry for Helena in this. Her helplessness is palpable, but not so overwhelming that she comes across as whiny or pathetic. I can't imagine how hurt and betrayed she felt after her mother slapped her for doing something that she can hardly be faulted for. And the Baron taking advantage of her like that - oh, I could slap him! I really could! Which, you know, is a good thing because that means you did a brilliant job at writing his character as well.
The only thing I'm disappointed with is the fact that there's not more of this! I'm dying to find out exactly what she did in those precious moments leading up to her death!
At any rate, this was fantastic! Great job!
- MollyAuthor's Response: Phew. I'm going to try and respond to your review as best as I can.
I wanted to portray a dark Rowena. When writing this, the only thing I had in mind was the idea that Rowena values reason and duty over anything else - even the quote on the diadem says it. It made sense (in my very complicated mind) that it would even overpower her relationship with her daughter.
I wanted to slap the Baron too - writing him made me squirm for Helena. I really wanted to portray him like a slimy, manipulative, over-confident person, and I'm glad that you disliked him even through the very short appearance he makes.
I might write up another one-shot as a sequel to this, but I'm not sure. It'll come if it feels like it, but I don't want to force myself then write something terrible, if you know what I mean.
Thank you for the wonderful review! Report Review
Hey there, it's Molly with your requested review!
Oh my goodness, can I just say that when you requested and said that it was Pansy-centric fic, I was not expecting this at all. And that's a good thing because people often characterize Pansy as this horrid, self-centered girl who we only see through the eyes of Harry, who is no doubt very biased towards all of the Slytherins. So yeah, this was really interesting to read!
I really liked your characterization of Pansy. At some points I even felt sympathetic towards her. It's awful, knowing that there are kids getting dragged into the conflict against their will and they are powerless to stop it from happening. Though I don't condone suicide (I don't know who does, really) I am glad that Pansy took her life into her own hands and did with it what she wouldn't have been able to do under the watchful eyes of her parents and the Dark Lord. I can't imagine the amount of pressure she must have been under and I really think that you conveyed that accurately throughout the piece.
I think my favorite part about this was not only the repetition of the diamonds and their weight, but also the symbolism. You wove it in beautifully, intricately, and it really paid off. It was the perfect metaphor as diamonds are beautiful but hard, cold, and unyielding. Just really great job!
- MollyAuthor's Response: I'm so glad you enjoyed this piece. When we read or write about the war it's always the innocents who were killed or dragged into the war on the good side. The children of the Death Eaters who were born into this and never given a choice are often forgotten. I thought we needed a little reminder out there that not all of the children of Death Eaters willingly walked in thier parent's footprints ;)
Thank you so much for the awesome R&R!
~Moon~ Report Review
Hi, it's Molly from the forums with your requested review!
I know you said not to focus on the grammar errors, so I'll skip over those and get right to the meat of it, which, according to your post in my thread, was the characterizations.
I thought you did a really great job with Hannah and a good one with Neville. I don't know if he would have been quite so fumbly and nervous in the heat of the battle as he'd grown a backbone under the combined reign of terror of Snape and the Carrows, but he still felt distinctly Neville. I would suggest perhaps not making him so completely helpless in the situation, though; out of most of the students, in canon, Neville appeared to be one of the more level-headed one. Just some food for thought!
Also, Ginny - while I think you've got the basics of her character down, you have to be careful that you don't take one trait and amplify it so much that the rest of her character gets lost. By that, I mean her quips, mainly towards Neville when he's trying to help heal her. I don't think that Ginny would have been quite so severe. Perhaps a little more understanding on her part, given that they are in the midst of the battle, would be a good change to make. Again, it's just a suggestion since you asked me to comment on your characterizations. :)
I do think you did a really great job with Luna, too. I could hear Evanna Lynch's dreamy voice in my head when I read her lines of dialogue.
At any rate, I'm glad that you're working to fix the mistakes in the chapter. That shows such great initiative and I think that with a bit more practice, you'll become more than just a good writer - you'll be an amazing one.
- MollyAuthor's Response: Thank-you so much for the review. I've actually got a beta reader for this story now which is great and it has helped the story so much so far, the edited version of this chapter is already in the que so it shouldn't be long before all grammar mistakes are fixed.
I still think Neville would still be the nervous boy that he always was and I don't think he'll ever change out of that... perhaps I did exaggerate it a bit :( but I feel as though he would be nervous. But thank-you for the tip
I understand about Ginny, but I think most people if there servealy hurt would be a little snappy, again I over did it a bit.
Thanks for the review and for seeing potential in me, it means a lot
- kjp Report Review
Hey Jess, it's Molly from the forums with your requested review!
Let me start off by saying that I love that you chose to write some Next Gen kids who aren't written about very often and when they are, they tend to be portrayed as carbon copies of their mother. That or they've got nearly identical personalities, which is just one of the reasons why I really liked this because they couldn't be any different.
For your first time writing angst, I thought you did a really good job! I felt for Lysander all throughout - I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to be a twin, especially when you're the less popular twin who tends to get pushed to the wayside. At the same time, however, I feel like a lot of what Lysander's feeling is completely unfounded as it's his belief that Lorcan is better than him; we don't ever get proof aside from Lysander's skewed perception, which is just - well, it's awesome. I know a lot of people aren't satisfied when it comes to limiting points of view, but I thought you made it work really well in this piece. And though there's no dialogue, the characters - Lysander, Lorcan, and even Lily - all jumped out at me. I got a clear understanding of what Lorcan is like...well, through his brother's eyes, at any rate, but still you managed to bring to life a character that we're never actually formally introduced to, so kudos to you for pulling that off as brilliantly as you did!
Speaking of the lack of dialogue in this, no, I don't think it's a bad thing! In fact, I'm a rather big fan of no dialogue pieces as I feel they pack a much harder punch. Granted they're more difficult to write and sometimes the emotions end up getting lost, but that didn't happen to you with this one-shot. You not only pulled it off, you wrote it exceptionally well.
I think the last point you wanted me to touch upon was flow, which was very nice! There weren't any instances where I felt it was jolted or illogical to have reached that point in the narrative. Quite unlike this review, which has no flow whatsoever, so I apologize for that! Anyway, the flow was great!
This entire one-shot was really great, actually. Brilliant work!
- MollyAuthor's Response: Hi Molly! Thank you so much for stopping by and reading this; I really appreciate it! And you liked it! Ahhh!!! :D
When I received my quote for this challenge, I knew that I wanted to write about characters that were underrated or less used in fanfiction. I don't know why the Scamander twins and Lily aren't loved very much in this fandom, but I loved writing about them; there was so much uncharted territory and so much to explore. I really loved it!
And thank you! I was really worried about the whole angst thing; I had a great time experimenting with it, but since I had never done it before, it was kind of intimidating. I think I'd like to do it more; I love writing rom-coms but this is fun too.
And I'm so glad that you felt for him! Towards the end of writing this, I was a bit worried that people would find him whiney - because, like you said, his feelings are unfounded - but so far no one has so I'm really happy about that. Lysander is right in the sense that as a child, he was the unpopular and less liked twin - but Lily thought the world of him. And when he was sorted into Slytherin, he could have taken that as something that separated him from Lorcan, and he could have florished - but he cut himself off from the world, thinking that they didn't want him. If you asked Lily about why they aren't friends anymore, she would tell you that he gave up on her, not the other way around. Just a fun fact :)
And thank you so much for making me feel better about the no dialogue thing! I was originally going to have a scene at the end with Lily and Lysander talking at the Hog's Head, but I decided to leave it out because I thought it wasn't necessary and that it would take away from the story. So I'm glad that I stuck with that choice! Thank you!
So thank you so very much! I'm squealing right now in my dorm (thankfully my roommate isn't here at the moment to see me smiling like an idiot!) I'm just so happy that you enjoyed it and thank you again for all of the lovely things you've said; I think you're such a brilliant writer so to hear it from you is so exciting :D
~Jess :D Report Review
After reading those two beautiful one-shots and that unbelievably complimentary review you left me, I figured I could return the favor and check out some of your other work. I was not disappointed!
This was, in a word, hilarious. And so true! For as many great fics as there are, there are just as many, if not more, fics that are terrible. This? This wasn't. This was a brilliant parody of those fics.
Great job! I'd say more but as I'm still nursing that stitch of laughter in my side, I don't think I should upset it further. :PAuthor's Response: I'm glad I've enticed you to check out more of my work, but it was an interesting choice going from those one-shots to this one! It was brilliant fun to write, as I'm sure you can imagine. Thanks for the review, hope to see you checking out some more of my work! Report Review
Now normally I'm not inclined to read Lily/Snape, but I know from experience that you not only flesh out the characters and make it believable, but you also make it rather beautiful, even if it is in a haunting sense as this one was.
For me, you always have been and always will be a master at description and conveying emotion. It was seamless, the way you wove the story and the emotion with these gorgeously dark descriptions of the dungeons. One aspect doesn't hinder the other. In fact, it helps create this intense atmosphere that had me holding my breath almost the whole way through. I felt like I was there right beside Lily as she picked her way through the dungeons. It was just gorgeous!
Wonderful stuff here, Susan!Author's Response: Oh wow, thank you for coming in to read this one! I was thinking of requesting you, but I hesitated because of the whole Snape/Lily thing - this made it twice the surprise to receive a review from you! :D
Also thank you for the compliments on characterization! Being able to properly flesh out characters and make them believable - not only in their personalities, but in their actions and relationships with others - is something I hugely value. It takes precedence before all other aspects of the story because, once I have the characters in place, the events will unfold around them - it's the characters that drive the stories, their decisions produce the plot. So it means a lot that you like that aspect of my stories!
That's exactly the kind of effect I hoped that the descriptions would have. *cheering ensues* I wanted to immerse the reader in the atmosphere of the dungeons. If anything, this story was as much an exploration of atmosphere as it was of Lily's character - the two converge at some point, her journey becoming one of the mind and emotions. It was a very strange story to write, but I'm really pleased with how well readers have been reacting to it. ^_^ Thank you again! It was wonderful to hear from you! Report Review
AH! I just about screamed when I saw that this was updated. Ran over here just as fast as I could to read and review. Again, you do not disappoint - not that you ever have, but you know :P
I'm so glad that James has Lily. So unbelievably glad. It must be terrible, having to watch his father dying. But at least he finds solace in Lily.
I really really enjoyed the scene between Lily and the rest of the Order women. Alice's speech broke my heart if only because it was so realistic. This is really the first L/J fic I've read where the war not only plays a part, but it's one of the lead characters, affecting everyone and everything in very real ways.
This was, as always, magnificent, and I can't wait for more!Author's Response: Ah, Molly, I could just hug you for reviewing so fast! It's been ages since I had a review on a new chapter this quickly. :D Thank you so much!
I think James is lucky that he has a good support system, because I can't imagine how difficult it would be to go through what he's going through. I expect it'll make this all a little bit easier to get through, since he has Lily and his friends.
I'm so glad you liked that scene! It was kind of dialogue-heavy, but it was a conversation I really wanted to include, to give a different perspective on the war. And to me, the war is the most compelling part of Lily and the Marauders' story--I mean, romance is always fun, but romance against the backdrop of war? :P It's the stuff that Oscar-winning films are made of!
I already wrote the first half of chapter 13, so it should be up in about a week. I'm having so much fun writing lately, and I'm thrilled that you enjoyed the chapter! Thanks again! Report Review
Hey there, it's Molly with your requested review!
Wow, just wow!
I've always felt really horrible for Myrtle for all of the reasons mentioned in this one-shot. That's one of my few complaints about JKR - I love the woman and think she's brilliant, but I think that by making Myrtle a comic relief rather than an instrument to show just how deeply bullying someone could affect them was more than a little disappointing. You, however, hit the nail on the head with this one.
This was poetic without being it weighted down by purple prose. At first, I thought you were talking about Alice Longbottom, mostly because of the line about insanity, but then it all clicked once you mentioned all of the things we can identify with Myrtle. So yeah, there were no issues with clarity as far as I'm concerned.
The flow was excellent, the language was beautiful and put to good use, and I got a strong sense of Myrtle's character. I thought your portrayal of her emotions was not only executed extraordinarily well, but poignant as well. It was very sad, reading this, but also very enlightening about her character.
You did a fantastic job with this. Just - wow. This packed a heavy punch, I'll tell you that much.
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful - you should write more experimental one-shots, especially if this is how they'll turn out.
- MollyAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I love your reviews, they honestly make me so happy. Anyway, on to the actual response.
I didn't really click on to how wrong the treatment of Myrtle was in the canon until very recently, but when I did I felt compelled to write about her. So, here's the result. It's one of those ideas that once I thought about it and wrote it, it's just stayed with me. Bullying is such a massive issue and I hate the fact that it was so casually and even mockingly treated in the canon.
I have a lot of feels about this, so I'm glad (even though this sounds weird) that it was unsettling to read. A big part of the purpose of this story is to make people think twice about how Myrtle's treated, and if I've achieved that then I've achieved the purpose of this one shot.
Once again, thank you so much for the lovely review, you've completely made my day and I always come back to reread the other review you left me :) Report Review
Guess who's back again? :P
The pacing of this was quite lovely, actually. There was just enough action and intrigue that I was kept interested and entertained throughout. I'm so happy for Godric, angry at Salazar for spoiling the moment, proud of Rowena for being able to cheer Helga up, and scared for Helga's decision. She's got a lot on her plate now, doesn't she?
I'm still very curious about Salazar's past and why it is that he hates Muggles so much. I might be going out on a limb here, but I have a feeling that someone he loved - perhaps his parents or a sibling or someone - was captured by Muggles and burnt at the stake or something equally horrible. It'd explain the fear of fire. At any rate, like I said, I'm very curious to see how that will play out!
Your concern about this being interesting is silly. If anything, the story is only getting more intriguing with every chapter. As far as length goes, I found myself wishing for more of this. This is truly one of the better Founders stories I've read on this site, and certainly one of the very that portrays Helga as something stronger than an almost overbearingly nice woman.
Yet another great job!
- MollyAuthor's Response: Hi Molly! Thanks so much for reviewing!
I'm glad you were happy with the pacing of this. I actually am planning on going in and expanding on the library scene a little, just to add in some more detail. And I'm really happy you found something memorable about each of the Founders in this chapter. Poor Helga...I certainly don't envy her.
I love that you're making predictions! I don't want to give anything away, but I will say that the big reveal will take place very soon, like in the next chapter or two. I'll re-request when I have the next chapter up, and I hope I can answer some of your questions soon :) But I'm also really glad you're still intrigued!
Haha, thanks for the reassurance. Once again, I'm so happy you're enjoying this, and that you like Helga as a character. I'm trying to give her some depth and complexity, and it seems like I'm doing a pretty good job of accomplishing that :)
Thanks again! Ch. 6 is partially written, so hopefully I can get it in the queue soon. I'll definitely re-request when I do!
--Maggie Report Review
Back again with your requested review!
I definitely think that the story has maintained its intensity - also it's hilarity. The thing I really love about the style of this is that it's not smack-you-in-the-face-funny, if that makes sense? There are moments that might not make anyone else laugh, but they make me laugh - and heartily, too. In a way, it's like a show with a laugh track versus one without one - and I tend to love the shows that don't have one than the ones that do. Oh wow, I'm just making everything more confusing, aren't I? Whoops!
Anyway, things are shaping up quite interestingly! Snape's cold dismissal of just about everything made me smile from ear to ear, even though I despise every fiber of his being. I'm curious what shenanigans Terrence and Peony are going to get in to, both together and separately.
Great job with this!
- MollyAuthor's Response: Hi again!
You came back! I completely understand your comments on the style. I think that one of the things that makes the really bad Mary Sue stories so laughable is that they are written to be taken seriously, so I'm glad that tone is working for you. :)
My greatest fear is that the piece will loose its flavor over the seven chapters I have planned... kind of like bubble gum after chewing it all day long. But I'm going to give it a try anyway.
Thanks so much for your comments! Report Review
Hey there, it's Molly with your requested review!
When you said this was inspired by Doctor Who, you weren't kidding! I saw it all throughout the piece, in the little references as well as the characteristics of some of the characters. Percy was great and I didn't even consider the possibility that Audrey was from another universe. It's strange and yet somehow it works.
If I might make a suggestion, though - you should look into getting a beta for this. It's got some really great bones, but you have a tendency towards run-on sentences and comma splicing. I don't know if that's intentional or not as this is a very different fic and reads very much like one. If it is, then I apologize. If not, then I would definitely suggest getting a beta. Also, again, I don't know if it was intentional but towards the beginning, there are a lot of verbs in present tense mixed in with the past. It was a little confusing.
All in all, though, you've got a really great story on your hands here. I loved the blend of Doctor Who with Harry Potter without it being a very obvious crossover. Good work!
- MollyAuthor's Response: Hello Molly Hooper!
I've always thought that Percy and Audrey had a Doctor Who like relationship, I considered him to be like ten or eleven and her to be like Rose with the fact that she helps him to heal, but have the personality of Amy. I know that sounds weird.
Anyway, I'm glad you liked it, and I'll go back over and fix the run-ons and tenses. :) Report Review
Oh my goodness, Melissa, this is such a wonderful story. I could kick myself for not reading it sooner. It's so beautifully written, full of both tender and heart-wrenching moments. And this chapter - ugh, my heart just about collapsed in on itself, it hurt so much. I doubt it helps that I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie while I was reading, not knowing what I was getting into. The sheer weight of George's emotions was overwhelming, yes, but not in a bad way; I felt the sadness he felt, even if it was only a fraction.
I love the subtlety of the romance that's been building between George and Angelina throughout the entire story thus far. It's cute at times, touching at others, and then there are the times when I wanted to knock their heads together for being so silly for waiting so long. When they finally did kiss, though, you better believe that I cheered so hard, I nearly toppled backwards in my desk chair.
Your characterizations of both Angelina and George are gorgeous! So true to canon yet so unmistakably Melissa. You've always had a knack for writing canon characters very well and it shows in this. I love how you write Lee and Alicia as well as the rest of Angelina's friends. It's very refreshing, this story is - you rarely see George and Angelina stories and this one takes the cake as the best one out there.
I cannot wait until the next update! This is just such a wonderful and beautiful story that I can't even imagine what the future chapters hold!
Fantastically stellar job, Melissa. Just...wow, I'm speechless!Author's Response: Molly!! It means so, so much to see a review from you. I adore your writing and so all your compliments and kind words have me fan girling :P Don't even apologize for taking a while to get to this story. I'm just tickled that you read it at all! This story has definitely been a bit of an emotional roller coaster... but it makes writing it really fresh and fun since each chapter the tone and mood switches back and forth.
This chapter in particular was extremely challenging. The emotions were so strong that I worried I was over doing them or that they'd stray into the world of melodrama.
It's so wonderful to hear that you can see the subtle romance... I worry sometimes that there's not enough romance in this story. I really from the get go intended this to be a story about two people as individuals and how their relationship develops from that.
I'm so happy to hear you think their characterizations are good!! I'm so far into the story now that I hardly have to think about it, but I was very nervous at first about getting them right, especially George. I don't consider myself to be especially funny. :P Lee and Alicia are two of my favorite characters because they both serve as the same foil to their respective friends. Annnd they're both sort of ridiculous. and fun.
Thank you so much for this review!! The next chapter is now posted, and I can't wait to see what you think of it. :) You're amaz-sauce.
Melissa Report Review
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