Hello it's HuffleyPuff here to give you your review. What I'm going to do is to to break things down into lies, dislikes and all that jazz.
First of I would like to say that I actually really enjoyed this because I found it really rather confusing to read. Your style of writing is completely new to me and because of this I am getting slightly confused by whats going on in your story, but the style of it is really good. So some chapters are from Fred's POV and he's dead and George pretend to be Fred and then Fred is dead in limbo...I am really rather confused about what's going on and so you may want to go back and clear some of that up >_> I'm normally good with understanding stories and things, but I was completely lost on this one. Because of the fact I'm not sure I understand what's going on I can't really talk about the plot, but I'm sure it's interesting and will turn out to be a great and interesting story in the end.
What I am going to talk about is the characters, you really only focus on Fred and George and I really think that you characterized them perfectly. When they were both alive you showed how close they were and how they were twins and proud of that. When Fred died, however, you can see how broken George is about it and how he tried to be Fred to get over his grief. You can really see how close the family was when he died and I really think you characterized everyone perfectly in this story and this is something I really can't complain about. I do love a story with some good characters who I can really feel for and connect with.
I also like your use of words, some of the words you use in the chapters are some that I wouldn't normally consider putting in my own stories, but they really enhance the mood of the depression and sadness of the story and I think you did that very well. I also like the length of the chapters, they are not too long or too short so you should continue writing them at this good length you have. It really adds to the feel. A story with too short chapters or too long ones really doesn't have a nice flow to them and then it becomes a story with too little chapters or far too many of them.
So that's all I really have to say about this, this is a nice start you have to a nice story- if not I found it a little confusing to read and I didn't really understand what was going on. Good luck and happy writing!
HuffleyPuff xAuthor's Response: Hiya Victoria :)
Wow, thanks for such a detailed and honest review! I absolutely love these :D I'm sorry you didn't understand most of what was going on, and I certainly hope this wasn't too laboured a read for you! I've tried to be very experimental with this fic. There are a lot of strange concepts and situations being explored in here, and some of it /is/ pretty confusing. I'm not really sure if things will straighten out, though :P The story so far is split into the two POVs of Fred and George - Fred is dead and caught in some sort of Limbo, while George is trying (and somewhat failing) to get on with normal life. That's basically the premise of the story :) Though of course, Fred's memories have been wiped clean by death and he's lost all sense of self and identity, and in whatever memories that slowly come back to him, there's a mix of what is true and what isn't. Right, I can see why you're confused bahah! Maybe I've made things a lot more complicated than they are O_O
I'm so happy that you actually read all four chapters! Thank you so much for that! I needed feedback on the latest chapter, or on the story as a whole so far, and you've given me just that.
And thank you for all your wonderful compliments on the characters! This is definitely a character driven fic, and I'm so glad you felt for or connected with the characters. And I'm glad you found the chapter lengths to be just right!
Anyway, thanks so much once again for this lovely review! I really appreciate you taking the time to do this! Cheers :)
-teh Report Review
Hullo, HuffleyPuff here and I am going to give a nice long review about this story so far. I'm going to break things down into different things, what I like, hate, love, how I thought the plot rolls, the characterization, that kinds of thing.
To start off I would like to say that this is a really nice story you have going on and I cannot wait to see what happens next so you must update it as soon as possible! Moving on from that I do like your writing style, it is quite similar to my own and because of this I quickly divulged into the story and could read it happily knowing that I wouldn't get lost along the way or confused about what was going on. This shone throughout the story and for the three chapters posted I can happily say that I did not get lost or confused about what was happening, who was speaking or anything like that. This is one of your strongest points in your writing as well, the fact that you can use great words to grab the reader and interest them enough so they can continue reading. This is a trait good writers need to have to grasp their audiences and it is something you don't need to worry about.
I thought that your characterization of everyone was really good. The way that James and Sirius lept on the idea of helping Remus and argued with him that they were going to help. Peter was in character the whole way through, being a bit of an outsider of the group and only speaking when spoken too. And the boy's relationship with the girls is also up to scratch. I didn't see any romance stuff going on right from the off as most stories tend to do from the beginning from defining the relationships and including kisses in the very early chapters. You can see that Sirius and Marlene are close, but you do have to look hard to see if it's just friendship or a romance blooming between them. But the way that you explained that James was in love with Lily by mentioning that Sirius told his mother about her and how he wanted to go to Muggle Studies because she would be there was cute in a way and a really nice way of doing things.
I did notice a few spelling mistakes, letters missed off the end of words and that kind of thing, but it was nothing major and something you can pick out if you read back through it carefully, perhaps you should think about getting a beta reader for the story as then they can check it over and pick out all the spelling and grammar mistakes before you post so you don't have too! Everyone makes mistakes eventually and so it's not something to be worried about.
The plot also has a very nice flow to it, you are not throwing the reader in at the deep end or anything like it, you are pulling them in slowly and adding things so they realize the scale of what's going on. I certainly wasn't expecting the death eater attack on the train as they headed to school!
So far I think you are doing a really great job of this story and I fee it deserves more reviews and favorites from other people. Good luck and happy writing!
HuffleyPuff xxAuthor's Response: Whoa that was fast! Thanks so much for the response :D And you've read all three chapters? I didn't expect you to do that much! :)
You've made me so happy! i'm glad that you like my style (I've never received comments like that) I usually find it so hard to write and I have to be incredibly inspired to do so. *hugs* your amazing.
I always imagined that Remus wouldn't really want them to go through with the idea of animagus, just like their trying to protect him, he would also want to protect them from getting caught. I've always loved their relationship. Bromance!! lol. I'm a bit unsure of Peter's character, I completly hate him and find him so hard to write because I don't understand why he actually became a marauder, so i'm just trying to make him be a quite person so I don't have to write about him much :P
The relationship between Sirius and Marlene is really confusing, i've pretty much planned the whole story and written a few chapters that are to come up nearer the end and its sort of a love/friendship relationship. I'm really just letting the readers decide what it is for themselves :D Throughout the story their relationship develops.
I'll go back over the chapter soon and get rid of all those mistakes, i'm terrible at spotting them out. I might get a beta reader for this story... seems like a good idea now you mention it actually :D
I'm so glad I havn't received any responses saying that the deatheater attack was a bit too 'random' if you know what I mean? :D and i'm glad you didn't find it that way.
Thank-you again *bows down* i'll probably come back to you again for reviews because your reviews are amazing *once again bows down* Report Review
You made a mistake here, wizards are not allowed to use magic outside of school until they are 18 years old, not seventeen and so she should be worrying about getting a warning owl from the ministry ;) That is something you might want to edit out, but then it would make this chapter even shorter than it already is. I also feel this chapter is a little pointless, just some banter between three girls which could have easily been added on to the previous chapter to increase that length and so chapter five could be something longer instead of a filler.
As there is not much text here I don't really having anything else to say besides that this shouldn't really be a chapter of it's own and should instead be added on to the previous chapter at the end. But that is my only fault with it.
So that's me done. This has been an interesting story so far and it will be interesting to see what happens next in this tale, but you may want to think about hurrying things up so we can actually see Nicholas instead of just talking about him. Good luck and happy writing!
HuffleyPuff xAuthor's Response: I'll correct my mistakess
Em Report Review
Fourth review for you!
Hmmm the one thing I didn't really like about this chapter was the way that you wrote it. You have a collection of less than on line sentences about meaningless and silly things like her talking about a letter and then suddenly you a thrown a massive chunk of writing which can be really off putting when you are writing and to the reader it makes the story look less inviting and harder to read and so people may be put off from trying and instead not bother and move onto another story instead. You could do with cutting down on the short sentences and perhaps mix a few of them together to make a longer paragraph which will be kinder to the eyes. It will probably be the best thing you can do in this situation and I may make more people read on in this story.
Other than that little thing i think this was another well thought out and produced chapter, but still it has been less than a full day on now 4 chapters has passed. You either need to make longer chapters where more happens or combine some to make longer chapters without changing anything, but with the way it is it seems that everything is running much too slowly and this fact can also put people off reading more. When you sort this out I think this could be a great story when it's finished!
HuffleyPuff xAuthor's Response: thankyou for quoting in the previous review
IT MADE MY DAY
and yes i get it now
willtake you up on that
EM Report Review
Here for the third review!
"I reach the entrance to the Manor and look up to observe the beautiful architecture.The fresh winds swiftly moved the trees. The sound was relaxing. The long grounds looked calm and quite. The grass was leveled; there were diversified types of flower buds on the sides on the passage away, in which there were mostly white roses which were my favorite along with daisies, red roses, daffodils and dog flowers. I could see them but more like smell them. The aroma also added to the feel of tranquility that I felt. I could hear the water splashing in the white stoned fountain in front of the porch. There were lights for the nights which were put all through the passage till the main door. The grounds were also fairly well lit. At dawn and dusk it made the whole manor look more beautiful than it already was. Who would have thought that this place I call my home actually catered to the Dark Lord? At this moment, the grand pillars and curves of the walls give the impression of beauty, but if you knew all that happened inside these walls, this place would never appeal to you again. I've heard whispers of people being tortured here. Many have screamed and begged for their lives, taking their last breaths against our tile floor. That just goes to show that physical characteristics don't necessarily matter. The past should be observed too. This manor has demons of its own just like Nicolas will."
Wow, that was really best bit of the whole chapter, that is some beautiful writing a professional would be proud of. You can really visualize the manor in this paragraph and the words you used to describe everything was beyond brilliant. That was truly a really amazing piece of writing and you should be very proud of that. All you now need to do is to convey that skill into all of your other paragraphs and then this would be a really great story and one you should really start to finish quickly!
One thing I do have to say is that things are going a little boring. Less than a day has passed in three chapters and so far it just feels that the story is not really going anywhere quickly. If you are not careful this story would end up being 100 chapters long by the end of it because you take so much time to get to things. This can be saved by perhaps hurrying the plot along or indeed cut down on the description a bit. Other than that this was a fine chapter and so far your best.
HuffleyPuff xAuthor's Response: i get how i have dragged it
maybe because i judt want everything to be written but surely the next chapters wont be like that
thankyou Report Review
I am here for the second review!
UGH You did the POV swap half way through a chapter! I am really no big fan of when people just switch POV's half way during a chapter, it really throws me off my reading and I have to pause for a moment to get used to reading from another person's point of view. Another thing I am not too keen on in the fact of how much muggle things they have. I am sure that even as the times change and Draco may be different from the person he once was, I still don't think he children would have this much Muggle things. And in Britain you can't take your driving test until you are 17. But that's just a silly little fact.
What I did like was the much better characterization and the description you've used in this chapter. This is a much better step up from the previous chapter, but I still do think you are dragging things on a little. I believe this chapter and the last could be combined together to make a large chapter so it stops dragging things out a little longer than need be.
So far you have an interesting plot and I am interest to see what happens next.
HuffleyPuff xAuthor's Response: omg yay *happy dance* i like your review style
its not that critical or overwhelming
thankyou soo much Report Review
Hello there, HuffleyPuff for your requested review. What I am going to do is to read each chapter and reviews them all separately for you, breaking down what I thought was good and what I thought was bad.
Starting off, I think that this was a very strong start to the story and I enjoyed it very much. However I did not like all the italics of throughout shoved into the paragraphs. Somehow when reading the story through it didn't look like they belonged there at all. Perhaps if you put them in quotation marks or speech marks it may seem to make the story flow a little better and be a bit easier to read to distinguish when the speaking and when the thoughts are coming. You could also bring them in slowly instead of just starting off a paragraph with them. But this is just my own view and you can ignore me if you want.
And at the end I did feel you used a bit too much vulgar language which put me off a little if it was going to continue that way. I do hope it's not, but when you put too much vulgar language too close to each other it does make the story seem to flow a little less nicely. There are surely other words you could have used instead which would work just as well.
Throughout I thought this was a strong start and a very good chapter for your fist fan fiction. Well done!
HuffleyPuff xxAuthor's Response: hey there
thankyou soo much ;)
Em Report Review
ITS SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE! Now that's out of the way the baby Teddy was just so cute. It's also a nice touch that you decided to add in the fact that Ginny was also his Godmother, wasn't really expecting that and now they're together and all that it makes me really happy to see a ship flourishing like it is right now as you write it. I have now gotten used to your style and I love it very much, it was not a kind I had come across before, but now after reading three chapters of this really great story and enjoying them I am proud to say i have become a fan of your writing! :P
YOU KEEP SWITCH POV AND IT IS REALLY ANNOYING ME! I really don't like it when people suddenly decided to switch the whole POV on you when it could be perfect with only having one POV for the chapter. You can do it to have one character per chapter or something like that, but it really irks me when it changes in the middle of a chapter for no reason at all. You don't have to change it, but it was just something which annoys me.
Anyway, that's me done so thanks for the great review swap!
HuffleyPuff xxAuthor's Response: Okay, so maybe you haven't gotten used to the POV's. I really do try to make them flow from character to character, and have it make some sense. Would it be better to have it more subtle? Or maybe I could at least calm it down to one per chapter... I'll have to work with it. It has gotten a bit to the point where I'm almost annoyed with it, at least 2 per chapter is kinda a lot. I may start asking who readers liked better as a voice through the chapters.
Lol I'm glad you liked the fluffiness! I've always liked the idea of Ginny as Godmother too. I'd thought of it 'cause Tonks spent a lot of time at the Weasley's when she was having trouble with Lupin, and getting over Sirius' death. She might have gotten close to Ginny too.
OMM I have a fan :D Woot! lol. I'm happy you like my writing style, I just get worried people don't want to keep reading it because of it.. I do want to stick with it though.
Thanks for such great reviews. I hope to hear from you soon, and I will keep up with yours too, I'm curious :) Report Review
And another brilliant chapter of your first ever fic. You should be pretty proud of yourself for this, this is turnign out to be a really great story and for your first it would be something anyone should be proud of. Anyways I'm loving the fact that you can characterize people so perfectly in your writing, it's a skill I want for myself! GIMMY! *grabby hands*
Anyways I love the Ron/Hermione and Harry/Ginny ships you have going on, now that the war has ended and the castle is fixing itself it's good to see the young love flourish. And I love how Herminone instantly thought of Hogwarts: a History when she thought about the castle fixing itself. That is so her, but she should be too tired to even start to think about remembering things from books. That girl needs a nice long rest!
I thought this was another great chapter from you and I hope as I continue reading that they will just get better and better as I go on!
HuffleyPuffAuthor's Response: :D I love this review, it makes me so happy. Does this mean you don't mind the Multiple POV's? :O lol
I would share the skill if I could, but maybe reading it might help? shrug lol.
I don't know about resting for them yet.. it might still be a little while.
I hope to see you continue to read too! I'm so happy you like it :D This chapter was particularly difficult so I'm glad you liked it.
Thank you! Report Review
Review swap time!
For you're first fic you should be pretty proud of what you have here. It's rare not to find a soppy after the battle fic with Ginny and Harry without them falling into each others arms and everything being okay and nothing every happened, but how you did it was pretty impressive. Ginny had mixed emotions about Harry and about how she still loved him, but still wanted to rip his hair out for what he'd to her. I also think you characterized the characters you mentioned so far very well. I can imagine girls now fawning over Neville and him not even realizing what was going on, he's the character who would do that kind of thing however funny it is.
Your writing style is not something I'm that used too, but after awhile it certain does grow on you slightly and however hesitant I was about it at first had certainly worn of now and I am pretty happy with reading more of it as I continue deeper into the story.
One thing to do have to go around nitpicking about is the fact that you switched POV half way durning a chapter. I am not really a huge fan of people who do that in their stories, but that is really the only thing I am going to complain about as I did still enjoy reading the first chaper.
Nice length too,
HufflleyPuff xxAuthor's Response: Yeah, it's a mixed situation. I want to do something different with my writing style for example, writing in present tense, and with multiple POV's, but it's also something that's going to unfortunately alienate some readers...
I'm unsure about changing that, but since it's been over 6 months since my previous review before yours it might be something to consider.
I really appreciate you reading on and trying this. I do get very good reviews on the characters, so at least I'm doing that right.
Thank you so much for being honest and helpful. Report Review
So I just so happened to stumble upon this fanfiction of yours and I do have to say that I am very glad that I did in the end. I am a big fan of Doctor Who and you captured him very beautifully. That cheeky, smart man who everyone falls in love with in the end. (Merlin don't you wish about that?) Anyways back to this review of mine. The flow of this, however was a little...off...if that's the right word to use in this situation. I do like how you made time pass by using the little snippets of Petunia's and the Doctor's adventures whilst Lily is away at Hogwarts, but somehow I just don't get a feeling for all the jumps you have. It would be nicer for time to pass just a little slower and I think that this story would be a little better off as a short-story instead and this way you can make the snippets from their adventures into a whole chapter of the story instead of a few words. That would be how I would do things and it may be something you want to think about when taking on something like this again if you ever decide too.
Another thing I am fond about in this story is the characterization. I love that you captured the Doctor's personality through the story and added in the things about Amy, Rory and even that little bit about Rose at the very beginning. I also like how Petunia developed through the story from being the girl who liked all the pretty things to the older Petunia who fell in love with the doctor and waited for him. This is why the end saddened me and I really wasn't expecting that. Two and a half years and passed and the doctor came back only to find that Petunia had gone and married Vernon and now they lived somewhere else. Her secret was gone and the Doctor was no longer her own little secret as Lily and James stumbled across him when he came back looking for Petunia. It brought a little tear to my eye and that's something that doesn't normally happen with me.
The plot was good, the description was better and the characterization and the plot twist and the end was the best bits! Defiantly adding as a favorite and please keep on writing like this!
HuffleyPuff x Report Review
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