Reading Reviews From Member: randomwriter
  
113 Reviews Found

Review #1, by randomwriterGame Over: Four

14th April 2014:
This story just keeps getting better and better. With so many plot twists, I can hardly keep up, even though the chapters are so short. As I said, it makes me feel as though each word is really important because of the format and the writing style.

Again, HOW do you manage to do so much in just so little? The amount of character and plot development happening is simply phenomenal. I'd never have believed that it was possible to write something like this so well. It never feels like you've faced a hurdle. The whole thing flows so well, and it seems as if 500 words doesn't seem like too little at all for you! I can't believe how much you juts manage to pack in.

The narration and the writing style are really well suited for this kind of story. I know I sound like a broken record, but there are somethings you just can't say enough. :p The action, adventure and mystery elements are all equally present and it's really enthralling to read such a good story with a hearty dosage of all three.

I'm proud of myself for guessing immediately that 'Harry' was a boggart :D His characterisation seemed off, and the whole thing about him pulling off a mask... there was something odd, and I guessed it. You've been skirting around the topic of boggarts for a bit now :p I'm also proud of myself for guessing in the previous chapter that 'Matt' might not be The Real Matt. You can't fool me with all your twists, Pix ;)

I still can't figure out if James is the bad guy or the good guy. it seems as if he is a bad guy who is breaking the law with some moral backing? Something that tells him that what belongs to the wizards must be returned to them. I don't know. I'm just so full of questions, but hey, what's new? :p

One thing struck me odd though. When you said 'Red is dead', I believe you were thinking about The Killing Curse, and that's a flash of green. But it did seem intentional too, so I'm not sure. Maybe something to do with it being a boggart?

The Silent Thief. Hmm. Sounds super intriguing. I'm still very confused about what exactly he does, and whom he is working for, but I understand that that is your intention. I'm still trying to work it out though :p Let's see if I can figure this out before the end, though I highly doubt it. There are just way too many questions. Maybe once I finish, I'll re-read the whole thing and have a round of 'Ohh's and'Ahh's and 'OH! That's what happened. I've been so stupid', but not right now. Now I'm still in the dark :p

Anyway, another excellent chapter. I don't have much critique, but I'm full of praise. I'm loving this, and I'm off to read the next :D

Author's Response:

Plot twists! I love those. How'd I do it? Well, here's the thing. Only say what you have to, and leave out everything else. We don't have to know what James had for breakfast, and we don't have to know how they got to wherever they are. But we do have to know how they reacted to the boggart. Choices, choices. And twists. That's how. Try it. You might like it. *offers spoon of short prose*

I might have overlooked that the killing curse was green. Let's pretend... LOL!

Thanks so much for all of these great reviews, and for enjoying my story!


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Review #2, by randomwriterGame Over: Three

14th April 2014:
Oh my! Another intense and riveting chapter. I cannot tell you enough how amazed I am by how much you add to the plot with each chapter. In just 500 words, you manage to turn the story completely on its head.

Along with plot development, you also manage to make progress with the characters. You give us a little bit of extra information in each chapter, but you make sure that it isn't too much. Just enough to make sure that the reader's interest levels are peaked a little more.

I love the small details you've added here. Like reverting back to narrating this from James' POV. Again, I don't know if that's just how I've been perceiving it, or if you actually did write it that way, but whatever it is, it works well. The small visual details work incredibly well too. Like how Dann tried to flirt with the guard. That bit was loaded with visual detail. I also like how you described the security guard as bored. I know these are little thing, but they really made a difference. It really helped me imagine this whole scene better.

The one bit of CC I have is that the first part of this story was worded in a slightly confusing manner. I had to re-read a couple of times to get what you were saying. I understand that working with a word limit so small can be a tough task, but maybe you could look at editing it slightly, if you'd like.

AGAIN. With the questions. It never gets any better. So James is on the Ministry's blacklist? Or is he actually working for the Ministry itself? I think it's the former, and that the secret agency he is working for has asked him not to get caught by the Ministry? Argh. I can't guess at all. Is James some sort of a bounty hunter, but for relics in stead of criminals? Does his job involve retrieve magical relics that have gotten lost in the muggle world? And where and how did they fall into another place? Was that a portkey? And why didn't they just use a disillusionment charm along with the levitation spell? Okay, enough with the questions and theories. I'll move on to the next chapter :p

AND YAY MATT FINALLY MADE AN APPEARANCE :D Or is it The Real Matt? o.O

Author's Response:

Part of the fun of this story was that I didn't have it all planned out like I usually do with longer stories. Some of that was because there wasn't room for backstory, and part of it was because I was writing on a deadline for the challenges. But it did give me a unique experience of discovering things along with my characters, both about each other and themselves. Like, I didn't know who Matt was in this chapter, even as James didn't know. Dann did, but she's not telling yet. She's just showing us what she thinks about him.

You'll have to be a bit more specific about which wording you found confusing. Feel free to pm me with the details. Every time I add words, I have to take others away. It's the nature of the format.

And yay for Matt! I think...

Glad that you're still enjoying this!


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Review #3, by randomwriterGame Over: Two

14th April 2014:
Argh! Questions questions questions!
Nothing was answered, more were formed. I feel like every word is a clue, and I'm always looking for something that might point me towards an answer.

I really liked Dann. Her character seems quite bad-you-know-what. It turns out that she is as interesting as James, if not more. I'm dying to know what she does, and was it her he had to be wary of? I like how this chapter seemed to look at the plot through her eyes. (Or this maybe something that I just felt)

Also, WHO is this world is Matt? Everything seems to center around him, yet we don't know where he is, or what's happened to him. It does make me wonder why she chose to use Riddikulus though. Also, was she using a wand in a muggle area? Just a couple of things I was thinking about. However, my mind is in no dearth of things to think about at this moment :p

I really love how you managed to add value to the plot, rather making it seem like a filler. All in this just 500 words? Wow. You have remarkable talent. I want your brain. (Okay, let's pretend that isn't creepy, alright?) I'm impressed that you managed to stick to your self imposed word limit. The mystery and suspicion factor keeps rising and I don't think I'll be satisfied until I finish the whole story, really :P So forgive me if I leave shorter reviews. I might just be in a hurry to get to the next chapter :p

As with the first chapter, I loved the writing style. Bursts of action and mystery, blended well together here. I really enjoyed the way you've carried forward your story. It remains incredibly unique.

It was interesting to see how you developed their characters a little more, in spite of the length considerations. So James is involved in a heist. Does that make Dann an Auror or an someone who preserves and protects historic artifacts? Well, let's see.

And I know that it was more dialogue heavy that the first chapter, but I also love how you managed to include a bit of description in there. The nosebleed and everything added a sensory component to this chapter.

One thing did strike me odd though. Wouldn't you think that Basilisk fang would be better than basilisk tooth? Gah, Ignore it if I'm being insanely picky.

I cannot stress on how many questions I have, enough. I'm going to move on to the next chapter, and I'll try not to get floored by your skills (though I think I'm already there :p)

Andandaaand, a Basilisk Fang in a muggle museum? Hmm. Interesting, this just keeps getting better.

Author's Response:

Hi again!

Dann's awesome, isn't she? I wanted to at least make her someone that James would consider an equal, so I'm very happy you felt that way about her.

Nope. No room for filler here. What is filler, anyway? I think I've stopped writing filler scenes altogether in anything. It's all about moving the story along... probably why I have so much trouble showing the character's emotions. Ahh, strengths and weaknesses. Anyway...

I thought about the words "fang" and "tooth". I decided on "tooth", because if I did "fang", I'd have to explain how fangs are different from the dinosaur teeth, and there just weren't enough words for that sort of thing. Economy. See?

Yes, yes, more questions!!! Click that "next chapter" button!!


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Review #4, by randomwriterGame Over: One

14th April 2014:
Hello Pix! :) I know I said I'd review 'Put on Notice' while commenting in the thread, but this really caught my attention, and I ended up getting distracted (surprise surprise!)

I'm glad I got a chance to read this though. The introductory chapter is really unique. I can honestly say that I've never read anything quite like it before. I love how it captured my attention from the very start and held it in a sort-of iron grasp. I am itching to read Chapter 2 now :p

I love how you dived straight into action. You gave yourself just 500 words, and what you've accomplished in so little is no small feat. 500 words is usually not long enough to set up a story, but you've managed to introduce a character quite well, give us a fair insight into his life and what has happened, set up a story and create suspense. Heck, it's not easy to do it all in even 5000 words. Kudos are in order.

The plot itself (yes, there is a plot here even though you gave us only 500 words :p) is intriguing. That Matt part really confused me, but it also got me formulating a dozen theories in my mind (Thank you, hyperactive imagination!). The woman thought he was Boggart? Was she afraid of him then? Okay. This is odd. I MUST read on.

I loved the writing style. The short sentences, indicating a sense of urgency. The stiffness of the structure, probably a reflection of how uncomfortable James was feeling, being thrown into that situation. It was really well written and it flowed well too! I really enjoy Action/Adventure, and I haven't read too much fanfiction on it, so this is quenching all my thirst for spies, chases and running from the law. I cannot tell you how much I adore how suspicious this is. From the first word till the last, it stank of fishy business. Ah, the best! xD

You have now left me with a dozen questions snapping away at my brain. Not ideal at 3:00 A.M. No :p But it's a good thing as well. I LOVE stories that make me think, guess and wonder and yours has done that tenfold.

However, I noticed that a couple of things were little off. I hope you don't mind me pointing them out.
Firstly, you mentioned 'must' scent, maybe you meant musk?
Secondly, in one place, you've said 'The transformation took'. While this may have been deliberate, it's a little inconsistent with the rest, and makes me believe that you meant to say 'took place'. Sorry if I'm wrong :p Feel free to ignore it in that case.

On top of everything, I found it incredible that you've combined three challenges to create this unique story. I hope you fared well. :)

Author's Response:

Hey!

Distraction isn't necessarily a bad thing, you know. If this story captured your attention, then I must have done something right. Iron grip. LOL! 500 words isn't much, and it was quite the challenge to deliver something that MOVED in that short amount of space. But I think I did okay with it. It was fun. I'm definitely going to try it again one day.

Yay for plots! Yay for stinky plots! Yay for all the questions that you now have, that are going to make you read the next chapter!

On the other hand, you really should get some sleep. The brain does strange things when it's overtired.

Thanks so much for this great review!


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Review #5, by randomwriterThe Wild Rose: Chapter One

7th April 2014:
Hello :) I'm here for our review swap.

I'm still a little stunned by this. I had to go back and re-read this. You clearly have a knack for shocking your readers, because WOAH. If I got it right, TWO plot twists at the end.

The minute I read the first line, I started humming the tune of the song, which is quite creepy. So it added to the overall effect of your story, I think. You've blended the song into the story well.

I did spot a couple of grammatical errors, but I think they may have been deliberate to keep in line with what you were trying stylistically. Speaking of that, you've done a great job there as well. I love the switching POVs. You've managed to do it without creating confusion or making it messy. I also loved how you didn't reveal Lily's identity till the end. That came as a huge shocker.

His presence was suddenly more interesting than the unsolved murders of three young women, so I delicately folded the Daily Prophet and before I could stop myself, my eyes travelled back to his.
^This, I think, is one of the most cleverly used sentences. While it does add to the overall feel of the story, you don't give it much attention till you come to the end, and then you sit back and go, "OH. Now that's what happened." The retrospective genius of the line just hits you. BAM.

Scorpius is such an intriguing character. We don't see many of these over here, and I oddly enjoyed reading about him. Maybe you could write another one shot or two centred around him? I'd read them for sure :p He's a psychopath, creepier than most. It's also disturbing how meticulously he'd planned her murder and how cleverly he executed it.

Overall, you blew me away with this, and I don't think I can put it in any other way. It was stylistic, well written and the story was a stunner. It also flowed well and your characterisation was quite unique and interesting.

Great job :)

Author's Response: Hi! :)

Yes, there are TWO plot twists! I love plottwists, so I've been waiting wit excitement to see what my readers thought of it. So far, I managed to shock all of the reviewers, except one :D hehe.

The song is really creepy but so beautiful at the same time which is why I loved it and this story sort of blossomed in my head.

Oh, I think it depends on what errors you found. There is probably errors I didn't deliberately wrote, but when Lily thought of the flower, I wrote rose as small and not as the name of her cousin. But... that wouldn't be a grammatical error, I suppose. But I'm thinking of getting it beta read, so thank you for pointing it out. Now I'm sure that I need a beta :)

Wheee. A line!
I'm so glad you liked it. I'm a little proud of it actually. A hidden clue. And I was so excited to see if anyone else got it and you did! Yay!

I could definitely see a one-shot based on him and his... escapades. I'll think about that! :D

Thank you so much for your review! I loved reading it.

Big hug,
Avi


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Review #6, by randomwriterMake That Girl Mine: one

5th April 2014:
Hello :) I saw you around on the forums, and I thought I'd take a look at your Author's Page. ScoRose is my absolute favourite, and I was really glad to see that you'd done a one-shot :)

This was a really sweet story. It was warm and fluffy and it certainly gave me the fuzzies! ^_^ I've been reading a lot of angst, and only recently did I pick up fluff again, and I must say that this did make me feel good :) So, well done there.

As for the plot and characterisation, I think you've done a great job. The theme of the story and how you've portrayed them was cliched, but you've wielded it well.And I, for one, don't mind cliches at all when they're done well, and when I'm in the mood :p

The story flowed well as well! I loved the vows. They were really sweet :) What you could do to improve it slightly (and to make it longer, as you wished) is perhaps give us a little more background. Talk about the relationship between their families, their reactions to the two of them dating, how they became close, what Rose's ideal wedding would be like and so on and so forth. Give us more material. Flesh it, add more description and it will certainly enhance your already-pretty-good story :)

I really liked this one, and in response to your author's note, I'd love to read more stories like these. I haven't really read your other stories to compare though :p

Good job, and keep it up :)

Author's Response: Well hello there! So glad you took the time to read and review.

ScoRose is one of my favourites too! Second only to Jily, but I'm a much bigger fan of Next Gen fics.

Aww I'm glad it made you feel all nice and fuzzy, haha. What a great feeling.

I'm definitely going to take your notes on how to improve/lengthen on board. I think they're really useful! I think I may come back to this and use some of your tips to edit etc. So thank you!

Also, thank you again for reviewing,

-Jess x


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Review #7, by randomwriterClementine: Clementine

5th April 2014:
Hello Aph! :) I'm here for our review swap. Sorry it took so long! And thank you so much for your lovely review!

I saw that you'd entered this for the colour and emotion challenge. Having entered the challenge myself, I was sort of curious to see how you've written this. Also, I'm always attracted towards entries for the Every Word Counts challenge. It's incredible as to what people can do in just 500 words!

I'm glad I got a chance to read this. I adore Bill/Fleur, though I must admit that I haven't read many stories about them. Whatever I have read focuses on them as an already married couple, so this was rather refreshing :) I also loved the role reversal. How you made her the slightly insecure one.

Speaking of that, your characterisation was interesting. As I mentioned, you wrote a very different kind of Fleur from the one we usually see. You exposed us to her mind's doubts about things that seem to be child's play for her. She could probably have any man on this planet, but when it really mattered, when it came to someone she really loved, even she, despite her beauty, has her own concerns and questions. As for Bill, I love how you didn't make him follow her like a lost puppy. He was so cute, and I can just picture him standing in front of a mirror and saying those words over and over again. The ending was so cute and his confidence was a lovely contrast to her doubtful nature here. I think you did a great job.

As for how you used for 500 words, I cannot tell you how much I envy you :p Not only did you manage to get it done, you also wrote so well! I love how this flowed and how everything just seemed to have a purpose. Every word, phrase and sentence seemed to fit, like they were put there with care. Great job. Someday, I hope to be able to complete this challenge, and hopefully I'll be able to manage it. This was certainly inspiring :)

Another thing I loved was the imagery. The way you described the colours and her emotions were lovely! As for the dresses, the way you put it was so vivid that I could imagine the exact shades. Atleast, I hope :p Going by this (as I haven't seen what you got on the challenge), I'd say that your colour is a lighter shade of orange, and you emotion must be love, pr perhaps something like longing or temptation? If it is, this is splendidly done. You've used the colour to display the emotion very well without making strong obvious connections. I quite enjoyed the subtlety of it :)

Overall, I found this rather cute and enjoyable and it has certainly left me feeling warm and happy! :) It was such a cute story and the ending finished it off nicely. I look forward to reading some of your other work. Good job, and good luck on the challenge! :)


Adi

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Review #8, by randomwriterJames Potter and the Dark Lord's Trail: Chapter 1

27th March 2014:
Hello HEG. I'm here for our review swap! :)
First of all, your title really got me curious and made me want to read this so badly. I think it's a really cool title.

I love the premise of your story. The idea behind it, the thought of Voldemort not having died at the Battle of Hogwarts, is quite intriguing and I'd love to know where you're headed with this.

An another explanation that is building up in my mind is about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm curious to know if what Ginny dreamt about is purely a manifestation of her fears and past experiences. I'm curious to see where this goes.

So, as far as the plot is concerned, you certainly have me hooked. But all through the chapter, I had multiple questions and doubts in my mind, many of which will probably be addressed in the coming chapters, so I will not elaborate.

As for the flow, I think it was clear and coherent. There were no odd or chunky parts. However, this was rather short and set in a single scene, so you did a pretty good job anyway :) What I think you could do to enhance the flow is add description. Or give us a little more. You don't have to reveal too much in terms of the plot, but you could give us minor details, like their facial expressions or features. Or maybe something about their surroundings, where they live, have they had kids yet, etc etc. There is a lot of scope to develop your characters, situations, etc as you are developing the plot. Things like descriptions based on imagery will add a sensory aspect to your story, and I think it will be a great addition to a story like this, where there is a lot of scope to explore the sensory.

I do have a couple of points in mind for CC though. The first is characterisation. It is extremely difficult to write about the main characters and get them right, and I applaud you for choosing to give it a shot. It's a very brave move. However, I do find that there were places where it became difficult to process that they were the same characters from the books. For one, I know this is a rather small thing to point out, but I can never think of Voldemort saying 'Sh.' It's too mellow, too pleading or too affection. He would probably have given her a command to silenced her with a charm. Another instance where there was a disparity was when Harry said that he'd killed him himself. Harry, being the humble man he is, would never say something like that blatantly. He would probably hint at how he dueled him, and how, in front of everybody, his own spell backfired and killed him. Harry shies away from credit and fame. Also, I can't imagine Ginny giving in so easily after Harry asks her to tell him. Ginny is strong and has shown on occasion that she does have an active obstinate side. I would presume that she'd make up something or brush the matter aside. Anothing thing that struck me was that she called him 'The Dark Lord', a name I doubt she'd use. (But this is just me being TOO nit-picky. Feel free to ignore. :p) Apart from instances here and there like this, it was okay. But I think you may need to edit it a little bit to make sure that the characterisation falls in place.

My next point of CC lies with some grammatical issues, and some typos. These can be easily fixed if you just proof read this sometime :) Easy-peasy. For example:
insides roiled with horror - rolled, coiled? There's a typo here.
she couldn’t bare it. - This should be bear, not bare.
There were a couple more, here and there. A read through should fix it.

Finally, in the end when they talk about Harry;s connection with Voldemort, that happens because the two are connected, in the sense that Harry was an unintentional Horcrux. A part of Voldemort's soul was in Harry. It is true that when Voldemort learned of this, he used this connection to manipulate Harry. But, by the very nature of this connection, he cannot have the same thing with Ginny. I'm curious to know how she's having these dreams. What is her connection with him? Is it something to do with the Chamber of Secrets? Or the diary? I need to know!

I like how this story seems to have taken shape, and I'll follow up this chapter to see what happens :)
And I'm sorry if this seemed harsh :( I'm only trying to help in some way. If any of this seems like it doesn't make sense, leave it. I did enjoy this a lot :)

Author's Response: Hiya :)
Thank you for such a long and detailed review! You have given me some excellent advice for my future chapters. I am particularly concerned on the characterisation of Voldemort. I know it seems quite a bit out of Canon but I wanted it to be kind of quiet if you know what I mean?

Also, because the dream has sort of influenced Ginny quite a lot, I thought that her saying the Dark Lord rather than Voldemort would be appropriate even though you disagree.

Thank you very much,

HEG


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Review #9, by randomwriterOut of the Darkness: Into the Sun

27th March 2014:
Hello Alishya :)
I'm here from the 'Review the person above you' thread. I honestly don't know why I haven't read more of your work. It's a shame, really. This was really great! :)

This is a really sweet one shot, but at the same time, knowing what's about to happen, it is quite heart breaking. Still, it was so powerful and the emotions flowed out effortlessly.

I love how you chracterised Lily. I really think you got her down perfectly. Her motherly concern for Harry, and her conviction that he will grow up to be a strong man, even though he's just a toddler then, was really well written. The overflowing unconditional love and support of a mother comes through nicely.

I admire you for having tried this challenge. I've been wanting to attempt it forever, but I just can't seem to think of what I could possibly write in just 500 words.

The theme of your story, while not uncommon, is beautiful. I'm glad you chose this moment. I especially loved the phrase 'innocent ignorance', but I question if it would not be the other way around, you know. :p 'Ignorant innocence.'

Anyway, great job. And if I may say so, you've improved by leaps and bounds, when I compare this to your earlier stories. I'm glad I read this. Keep it up :)

Author's Response: Hey Adi! ^_^

It's no problem! I needed more work on my writing skills anyways, so you and others can have better reading experiences with my work. :)


Ooohhh! XD Thank you!!! That means a lot to me - and it's coming from you too! Like... I also believe this was my breaking point from my numerous grammar errors and misspellings. XP


Yay!!! :D I'm glad that you say that I have Lily's characterization down. I am no mother, but at that moment when I was writing this one-shot - I really felt like I was. ♥


Aw! Thank you dear! (n_n) I believe you can write for the challenge - it's just going to take time and the right subject/topic that you'll see perfect!


Lol right! :) I know I keep saying thanks, but I can't help it with every compliment being given. :3 So thanks! And the good thing about cliche or uncommon themes is that it never really gets old. =] And yeah - that could have been that way - now that you said it. :P


Ahhh!!! Yes! ^_^ Thank you! It was because of you, others, and my beta reader for pointing me to the right direction! Therefore thank you and to everyone else! *hugs* And I will!



Thank you so very much for reading and reviewing! ^_^




- Asphodel


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Review #10, by randomwriterMurphy's Law: Reality

22nd March 2014:
Hello :) I saw that you'd placed second, and I decided to come and give it a read. Let me tell you, I expected it to be amazing, and both of you blew my mind. On a slightly unrelated note, I love the banners :) They're so perfect for this story.

I'll start off my review with the same thing I told your partner.
Boy, for a major Jily shipper, this was SUCH a treat. I can't even begin to tell you just how much I enjoyed this. It was really well written and I love the idea. I'm a huge fan of the Murphy's law and Yhprum's law concept, because it's so funny. And I love how you used it as the basis for your collab. This connection is just genius.

Anyway, I knew this story was going to be great even before I read it. I'm really in the mood for something light and funny and yours didn't disappoint. I'm extremely impressed by the plot, concept and editing. Especially because you had just 72 hours for the whole thing. I don't even know how you did it. It makes me a little jealous for not being able to do the challenge myself :p But I still get to read all the lovely entries, SO WIN :p
(Yes, I cheated a little and copy pasted that bit, because it does apply to both of you after all. :p)

This may sound a bit odd, but one thing that really stood out for me in this particular one-shot was your choice of words. Simply perfect. For me, each word seemed so carefully selected, so deliberate; as if you crafted out this story, piece by piece, till it was absolutely perfect. While the companion piece was more dialogue oriented, I found yours more descriptive. And I think both of you have been very clever, for the dialogue suits the prequel extremely well, and the description suits this one. So, great job on finding the right balance. Both of you :)

I think Lily's characterisation was spot on here. So different from James' dream like version of her. And James too was spot on. And you know what? I think this could have totally happened. This date, and everything else that followed. So, it seems that Puddifoots is as obnoxious as ever and Wiseacre isn't as well acquainted with James and as he believed. But my heart did a little flip when Lily gave out that knowing smile, or when the snowglobe fascinated her. This certainly had its moments, and even if it wasn't the most perfect date, it's probably the kind of date I'd go on (Some of this, I could relate to rather well. What does that say about me ? :p) So I really connected with this, and there were some sweet moments that really put a smile on my face :)

I really like the semi-awkward exchanges as well. They were realistic and they made me smile as well. And the ending was just lovely :) I'd love to think that this is how they were and that's why they worked so well.

I was searching for something light hearted to read. And I'm glad I chose this. It really filled me with fluffy goodness (Well, guilty pleasures :p) and I can certainly see why you guys placed in the challenge. Really well written stories, with great ideas. I love the plot and the was the two are connected. I feel so good after reading this :) And its definitely going to my favourites, along with Yhprum's Law :) Genius pieces. Great work.

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Review #11, by randomwriterYhprum's Law: Expectation

22nd March 2014:
Hello there :) I saw that you'd placed second in the Speed Dating Entry Challenge, and decided to come give this a read.

Boy, for a major Jily shipper, this was SUCH a treat. I can't even begin to tell you just how much I enjoyed this. It was really well written and I love the idea. I'm a huge fan of the Murphy'slaw and Yhprum's law concept, because it's so funny. And I love how you used it as the basis for your collab. This connection is just genius.

Anyway, I knew this story was going to be great even before I read it. I'm really in the mood for something light and funny and yours didn't disappoint. I'm extremely impressed by the plot, concept and editing. Especially because you had just 72 hours for the whole thing. I don't even know how you did it. It makes me a little jealous for not being able to do the challenge myself :p But I still get to read all the lovely entries, SO WIN :p

There was something funny about the swan-like neck from the beginning, but I assumed that maybe, just maybe she sis have a really long and graceful neck (Hang on, is it even possible to have a graceful neck? xD). So I read on, thoroughly entertained from the start to the end.

The date sounded like something out of a dream. The only 'meh' moment was when James Potter Man-Of-My-Dreams Extraordinaire took Lily to Madam Puddifoots, which would be my absolute nightmare to even set foot in. But it was nothing like how it was in the books, and I have a sneaking suspicion that we'll get to that in the next part :p BUT SEVENTEEN pastries? This was the perfect date, wasn't it? Even though it didn't happen *cries* Apart from that, the date was indeed a dream. Not just in the 'squeal!IWantToGoOnADateLikeThat' (Certainly not, I'm not girly enough, apparently) way, but also because it had this dreamy quality to it. Wiseacres sounds like a place I'd love to go to if its full of odds and ends and interesting knickknacks. Sigh. Another place I wish was real. I've gushed too much about this. It isn't normal. SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE. :p

You totally had me going there. I did think that it was over the top, but it's James and I think he would take any chance he had with Lily and do his best with it, so I kept thing, "Yeah, maybe that's it." And then you revealed that none of it happened and I felt like such a dud :p That was such a funny scene though. The dialogues were perfect and hilarious and I really enjoyed every bit of it!

About that, the dialogues were really amazing. Throughout the entire chapter. They really cracked me up and made me smile a lot :) I loved it.

I can't wait for the sequel and I'm going to rush off and read it RIGHT NOW. Brilliant job, and congrats on placing. I can definitely understand why :) Also, this is going to my favourites, to be re-visited when I need some fluffy goodness.

GREAT job :)

Author's Response: Thank you so very much for leaving this fantastic review! You are awesome and I appreciate it so much!

I don't think I've ever really written James and Lily before, so I'm glad a Jily shipper like you enjoyed this so much (even if they were a bit ooc).

My partner in crime, Tanya, deserves all the credit for the Yhprum's/Murphy's law concept, as it was completely her idea. I'm glad you liked that as our connection. It made for a lot of fun writing.

I'm glad that, even though it was a bit over the top, that the ending still caught you by surprise (poor James and his poor misconceptions about Madam Puddifoots...). That was my favorite part to write! I loved being able to feature the other Marauders for a bit.

I tend to write stories that are a bit dialogue heavy, so I'm glad you thought the dialogue was well done.

You are so incredibly sweet and this review made me super happy :D I hope you liked Tanya's story just as much, if not more (because she's brilliant, and her story is brilliant).

Thanks again for reading and for your lovely review!


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Review #12, by randomwriterYou Can't Re-Write The Past: You Can't Re-Write The Past

20th March 2014:
Hello :) I've seen you around the forums a lot off late, and I thought I'd get to know you by familiarising myself with some of your work :)

Also, the 'Review the Person Above You' Thread in the common room brought me here :) Two things about the title really made me want to read the story. The first being that you've written this for a challenge that I've entered in as well. (Though my entry is nowhere near complete :p). And the second is that you made a Gatsby reference in your title, and that's always a win :p I half expected an 'old sport' somewhere. Or maybe that's just me :p

Anyway, I really enjoyed the mysterious element in your story. It kept me guessing for sure, and I'm still very curious. What mystery does is incite a hunger for more. Plays with your curiosity a bit, I think. You've done exactly that :) So well don on nailing the mystery element.

Sometimes there stories without plots are the best because they give us a great chance to explore human actions, emotions and thoughts. SO what I think is that your story really portrayed regret and perhaps repentance to a lesser extent. While I'd like to know who she is and what exactly she did, I was more drawn to her growing feelings of self-reproach. It was rather interesting to see.

I also like your descriptions. Mainly because they evoked a sense of melancholic regret in me. I really love how you started off. It sort of drew me in. But somewhere along the way, I found a couple of pieces where the phrasing was slightly off. I hope you won't mind me pointing this out to you, but when you write a short piece, every aspect comes under scrutiny and the words have to carefully selected. There aren't a lot of places like that in your story, but I certainly found a couple where the phrasing seemed a bit off. This made the flow kind of choppy, but not very much. If you could give this a quick read and edit, you should be okay :)

All in all, a pretty good read and GREAT wielding of the mystery element. I look forward to more :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review :)
I'm really glad you liked it. I tried to make it as mysterious as possible. With your last comment at the end, I will go over the story and edit bits here and there ;)
Thanks again!
HEG


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Review #13, by randomwriterBravery and Courage: Bravery and Courage

19th March 2014:
Hello :) I'm here for the Gryffindor/Slythin Blackout Bingo battle.

I'm glad I found this little one-shot. I'm a major ScoRose shipper, so anything with them in it starts off as a win on its own :P Haha.

Anyway, what really stood out, according to me, was when you spoke about the difference between bravery and courage. I agree that there is a very, very fine line between the two, and you explained that incredibly well. I really thought it was insightful and definitely made this story worth a read.

I think the story flows well. There are a couple of spelling errors and punctuation mistakes, but I'd say they're typos and can by fixed really easily. Apart from that, this was easy to read. It was light, and fun too :)

I love how you've written the two instances in a similar fashion. How they start and end off on similar notes. It was a very smart idea :) As for the relationship between Neville and Rose, I think it's really cute and I love how they had a much deeper relationship than just teacher-student. The way Neville showed her that he cared, along with the interest he took in her well-being and personal life, shows just how invested he is in her happiness and that certainly put a smile on my face.

Another thing I liked was how you've written Neville. He's another one of my favourites and I really like the comparison you made between younger Neville and young Rose. I think that was a really nice touch, and it would have certainly helped her relate better. Very understanding :)

Overall, a really nice and pleasant story :)

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Review #14, by randomwriterEnduring: Enduring

19th March 2014:
Hi Lauren :) Happy Birthday!
*hands over cake and gifts and, rather reluctantly, James McAvoy* :D

Because it is your birthday, and I want to shower you with love, I thought I'd review your Speed Dating entry... because, you know... it was written for valentine's day. (Okay, don't hit me. Just let me be lame. :p) Alsoo. GUESS WHAT?
I've been saving this review for something special. It's Number 100 :D Laureennn. I love you. Happy Birthdayyy! :D

Anyway, onto the review. I'd read this before, but I didn't have the time to leave a review then. I'm glad I 'saved' up :p I loved this story. I could read it again. I think that to write something like this in such a short time frame is genius, indeed. And you've shown that even though you were pressed for time, you did not compromise on quality. That's great :) I love Jily and I swear, I went through a wide spectrum of emotions throughout the course of this one-shot. Even though it is quite brief, you managed to pack it with so much emotion. I take my metaphorical hat off to you.

I loved the descriptions. I could see and smell the hospital room in my mind. You'd written it out so well. And I genuinely felt this rush of panic, that James was going through when he couldn't find Lily. I was really worried there for a second.But I was so glad when James found out that she was perfectly fine. I felt so relieved.

Your writing and description is marvelous. I love the flow of this piece. It was so easy to read, and it seemed to end too soon. The way you've written it is so perfect. You haven't over-ridden it with unecessary description, because in a story like this, with this plot, it would have been too much. But you haven't made it too expository either. You've included just the write amount of description, dialogue and information. A perfect balance.

There were certain lines here and there that really caught my attention. I could quote half this piece, but I'll stick to the minimum.

An unexpected darkness invaded his memories; it’s spindly fingers tearing the scene of happiness at the seams. His breathing got heavier as he remembered the Death Eaters surrounding them, ripping the two of them apart.
^This was just so well worded. It gave off this ominous vibe and it certainly sent a chill down my spine.

A deep dread filled his entire being. He remembered the flashing blaze of spells flying past him as jets of red, green and blue erupted from his own wand. The spells had flown faster, he’d gripped his wand tighter, it went on and on until suddenly the memory stopped, ending in stark black.
^This gives the writer a great sense of how helpless James felt at that point. It also drew me in because you managed to engage me on an emotional level.

On the matter of characterisation, you couldn't have been more right. Sirius' recklessness, James' protectiveness and Lily's determination to not go down without a fight were completely in line with their characters. Also, James' quick-wit was a nice touch. I also think that you wrote Lily's confusion well. She isn't a slow thinker, but her mind might have gone hazy with worry. Very plausible. Basically, you nailed the characterisation.

Also, the moment they had in the end. IT FILLED ME WITH FEEELS. It was so AHH.

Lauren, I hope that someday I will be able to write as well as you. I love your work, and you :) Happy Birthday, once again. Hope you've had a lovely day. :) Have a mind-blowing, brain splatteringly (yes, let's assume that that's a thing, and it's good) year ahead :)

Love
Adi :)

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Review #15, by randomwriterA Real Dark Night of The Soul: A Real Dark Night of The Soul

18th March 2014:
Hello Alli :) I'm here for the blackout bingo battle.

I am SO incredibly glad for having gotten the chance to read this. It's so beautiful, Alli. I can't believe that this was your first story. It is so refined. It speaks of experience.

SIRIUS BLACK IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT THE SERIES. Erm. Siriusly, I'm in love with him. (Okay, ignore this :S) Anyway, the characterisation was spot on. You didn't use much dialogue or reveal too much, but just the way he conducted himself throughout this, the thoughts, the determination and that flashback convinced me that is WAS Sirius and couldn't have been anyone else. The past where he used the non-12+ words and cursed the tree really captured Sirius perfectly. Hats off to you! I also loved how you captured the moment perfectly. How haunting it really must have been. I don't think I've given his escape much thought, but this one-shot has set the cogs in motion.

The flashback was so heart breaking. I could imagine the scene playing out and it really touched me. How different it would all have been had Sirius taken care of Harry in stead. However, we do know why Dumbledore sent Harry to Privet drive, so I won't whinge about this.

I loved your writing. It flowed extremely well, and was easy enough to read. It was so descriptive and the imagery was so vivid. I could imagine all of it happening as you'd detailed. It was so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. I think, you were able to hold my attention in a tight grasp from the first word to the last. I loved it so much.

All in all, this is splendid. I absolutely loved it, even though it killed me inside. Great work, Alli!

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Review #16, by randomwriterBeat it: The problem with Fred.

18th March 2014:
Hello :) I'm back for the Gry/Sly blackout battle bingo! :D

I missed Jason in this chapter. He is so breath taking, and I know he isn't real, but I've already fallen for him! Maybe I'm falling to his charms, just like Roxxie :S

Anyway, the lack of Jason Turner in this chapter broke my heart a little, but I understand that there are going to be some chapters like this, especially since we are looking at it from Roxanne's point of view.

I really love George and Angelina in this. They are so supportive and warm :) And even though, we don't get to see George's crazy, mischievous side here, I think the whole overprotective father bit falls perfectly in line with his character. I love how he doesn't give her a mouthful for her taking off with Jason. In stead, he's so kind about it, it really made my heart melt :) Angelina too was just so sweet. I do hope there are more chapters featuring them :)

As much as I love the rest, I really really cannot stand Fred, and this must be the first time. All the while, I was just thinking about how he's being such an idiot to Roxxie and it really wasn't fair at all.

The only CC I have is that there are a few punctuation errors in this. Nothing a quick edit can't fix. Another great chapter :) Hope you update soon.

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Review #17, by randomwriterBeat it: A Mistake

16th March 2014:
Hi again :)
Another great chapter!

I think I that I fall more in love with Jason, with each passing chapter. In this one, he was just so awkward and shy and cute. I found it really funny how he asked her to stay, claiming that Winston would want it :p

Both of them seem more mellow after the kiss. Initially, there was witty banter, coupled with sarcastic remarks and some quick-thinking. I can see that the kiss is already altering their relationship. It will be interesting to see where it goes from here.

The side plot about Violet and the creep is also interesting. I found it slightly funny that she may have a stalker :p She seems like a strong no-nonsense kind of person. So her+Roxanne together against The Creep will be really funny :p I'd love to see how they'd handle him.

I did spot a couple of mistakes though. Nothing major. Just a few missed apostrophes and a couple of words that haven't been capitalised. Nothing a quick read through won't fix.

Your story is light hearted and entertaining. It's keeping me thoroughly entertained :)

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Review #18, by randomwriterBeat it: Winston

16th March 2014:
Hello :)
I know that I'm yet to review the middle chapters, but I cheated a little bit, sorry! I'll come back and review them later. Promise!

I love how fast the plot is progressing :) Sometimes, it gets really annoying when we need to wait for about ten chapters before the main characters even like each other (assuming they start off as enemies, as is the case here).

I love Jason here as well. He's so dreamy and perfect. I WANT HIM. I DO. And I love how Roxanne is falling for him. Hard. He's so seductive and alluring and she just can't stop herself. But by the look of things, he's just as smitten. I can't wait to find out more.

It's really funny how Roxanne was witty and cutting earlier, but just a few hours with him and she seems to have warmed up to his company. And your last line certainly made MY insides melt. No doubt.

Great chapter :) Looking forward to the next one.

P.S- If I can't have Jason, can I have Winston? He's so cute :)

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Review #19, by randomwriterResuscitate Me: Resuscitate Me

13th March 2014:
Hello :) I'm here for the Gry/Sly Blackout Bingo Battle!

I'm a huge fan of Rose/Scorpius stories. So I'm glad I stumbled across this one. It was different from most stories featuring this pairing, in terms of the characterisation. While the plot itself, forgive me, has been used quite a few times, this characterisation of Rose is new to me.

I loved how she really wanted to let loose and go crazy. While she came across as slightly air-headed and superficial, who isn't after a bit of alcohol and some dance music? ;) Oh, and hot boys, of course :p On a side note, I realise that Rose, being part of the next generation, has no canon template to follow. So it's upto the author to decide how to write her, and for me, this was a very unique characterisation.

Scorpius' story made me feel really really sad for him. I kept hoping he'd perk up and go dance with Rose, and I was glad when he decided to. I did think he jumped to the 'needing' Rose stage very suddenly and that whole bit about the epiphany made it sound like Rose may just be a rebound, but I'm not so sure about that, because the rest of it is quite convincing. Anyway, I am glad they fit together perfectly well :)

Anna seemed really boring and uptight, and I do think that he needed Rose. And Rose, I guess she really wanted to defy her father and taste the forbidden fruit. I hope she likes it enough to go back for the second bite ;)

Good job! I enjoyed reading this, even if it was a lot steamier than I thought it would be :) ;)

Author's Response: Hi there :)

I'm glad you like the story, though I will point out that it was written 4 years ago, so I'm sure there are even more stories now with this plot line than there were when I wrote it. At the time I hadn't read much like it, but it might be more common now :P

I wanted Rose to come across as air headed and superficial, to be honest. I see her written all kinds of different ways, but I very deliberately wanted her to be written like this. To have the eyes of all the guys in the club, to be a silly one night stand for Scorpius. I thought about extending it, but I didn't want to, because to be honest, I don't know if it's a one night stand or more, and I hope the reader kind of is left wondering too. But I am glad that you enjoyed reading it, thank you for the review!! :)


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Review #20, by randomwriterYou Had Me: You Had Me

13th March 2014:
Hello Jenny! :) I'm here for the Gry/Sly Blackout Bingo Battle.

WOAH. Jenny. I don't know what took me so long to get here. You absolutely stole the words right out of my mouth with this one. (And probably the air from my lungs as well!) You probably know just how much I adore Rose/Scoprous. And in spite of how different and unique this is, I really enjoyed it.

I loved the darkness of this piece. It was so powerful, and it caught my attention from the start. The beginning sounded so ominous. It somehow tempted me to continue reading.

I also love how you didn't reveal the characters until the end. I don't remember seeing them in the summary and story information either. So the suspense was definitely thrilling. It did shock me though. Because I really would never have guessed that this was about them. You did a splendid job concealing their identities till the end.

Even though this is short, you managed to evoke a strong set of emotions from me and I thought that it was remarkably written. The flow, the refrain, the tone all certainly enhanced the story and drew me in. I really wish it was longer. But at the same time, I think that you've done it great justice and if it were any longer or shorter, it might not have had the same effect.

I also love your choice of certain words and phrases. I know it's a weird way to put it, but they way you've written this, makes it seem as if every word was carefully selected. Everything has a clear purpose. And that made it so much more beautiful and appealing.

Thank you, Jenny for this master piece. I will re-read this again and again and again. :)

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Review #21, by randomwriterBedtime Stories: Bedtime Stories

13th March 2014:
Hello Lauren! :) I'm here for the Blackout Bingo Battle! (Wow, it IS a mouthful!)

I'm so glad I got the chance to read this. Given the time constraint you had, I'm really impressed with what you came up with. I really enjoyed this little one-shot and it had me laughing and smiling because I found it really cute and amusing.

The thing that struck me the most was Ron's characterisation. I've always felt that he'd be really loving and protective towards Rose. You have done a great job portraying that. From his actions to dialogues, the whole thing reflect how much he loves his daughter. Also, the thoughts that were flowing through his mind throughout the story were very Ron-like.

I love the way you wrote this. It's a great balance between dialogue and description. It's perfect for the kind of story. I could literally picture the entire scene as if it was happening in front of my eyes. Especially the last bit, where he's firing off sparks and is forced to stop abruptly when he spots Hermione. I could see it happening :D

I think adding Hermione in the end was a nice touch. Her reactions were spot on and in line with how I believe she would have reacted. You've written her well too! I loved the end, where she puts in a mild remark about how tactless Ron can be. That, and the way she put it tells me you've written and understood her very well.

There were parts of this story that were actually really funny. And there were other parts which were really cute and heart-warming. The story had its fair share of both 'LOL' and 'awww' kinda moments. It really did put a smile on my face. I also really enjoyed how you wrote the whole Daddy's Little Princess relationship between Ron and Rose.

I know this is just a one-shot, but if you ever got the time, consider adding a couple of chapters about her childhood days? I'd love to read more :)
Great job, Lauren! :)

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Review #22, by randomwriterThe Unknown: 1

7th March 2014:
Hey Lo! :) (That never gets old!)
I'm here for the blackout battle.

Your story was just mind-blowing. I can't believe you wrote this in such a short span of time. The plot is really intriguing and I was drawn in from the second I started reading it. I loved the element of mystery that you manged to preserve throughout your story.

Another thing that struck me was how well you used the flow and structure of your writing to complement your plot. The way you carried forward your story through your writing was excellent.

I thought that the way you wrote this in ages was a clever idea. It shows the depth of their relationship and traces its development. It;s clear that they shared a strong bond that went beyond most things. Yet, in the end, in a bitter twist of irony, she ends up having to defend herself from the person who had promised to protect her forever. How cruel, yet powerful.

The way you ended the one-shot ("You said you would always protect me, but in the end you were the one I needed protection from.") was genius. There was so much depth in there and you also managed to pack a lot of unspoken moments in that. (For example, breach of trust, discord, loss of a close relationship, heartbreak, etc). I also love the quote you used.

The only issue (well, it isn't really an issue, honestly) I had was that we never really found out who the main characters were, and while I enjoyed the way in which you manged to to with the reader's mind throughout, I wish I could have known in the end. It made me quite curious. My money is on it being a mother-daughter relationship, but I'd probably have to read it again to see if there are some clues.

All in all, I thought this was a very good read, and I am very glad to have gotten the chance to read it :) Good work, Lo.

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Review #23, by randomwriterUnexpected Love: The Start of it All

2nd March 2014:
Hello there :) I'm here to review your story for the Gryffindor Slythering Blackout Battle.

I really like that you're decided to show the story from Snape's point of view. I think that it is extremely interesting, and would love to see where you go with this. His voice is rather snappish and snarky in this piece, which reminds me of... well, him! So good job there :) Also, you managed to make Petunia sound annoying. So kudos to you on that as well.

However, I do think that it was rather expository. You could perhaps enhance the flow of the piece if you were slightly more descriptive in places (like a more detailed note on how Lily looked, or maybe a bit about the setting?). Or you could have included some other details like a back story on why Snape was there and how the condition was at home for him. I'd also like to see a little more character development, but you're doing fairly well :)

I think your story could benefit from a quick beta read. I did spot a few grammatical errors and some punctuation errors as well. Also, there were a couple of places were the phrasing seemed odd. While these errors don't really drastically affect the story, I do think they interrupt the flow and beta could certainly help you smooth it out! :)

Overall, I'm excited to see where you're going with this. I want to know of you're going to stick to canon or if you're going to deviate and make Snape and Lily end up together. Also, I love James and I can't wait for him to make an appearance. Good job. I'll make sure I visit this story again :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I really appreciate the criticism. It helps me improve my writing skills. I'm glad that you're enjoying the story so far. I'll be sure to update soon.

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Review #24, by randomwriterDrummer Boy: run boy, run.

12th February 2014:
NADIA.
OH MY GOD.
I'M HERE. FINALLY.

I'm sorry it took me so long, I am. But I'm also glad I got here. I'm also happy that you kept most of this away from me, because well... Teddy and Rose, I might not have read it in quite the same way, you know :P

Despite that, you had me from the first word, Nadia. And I was hooked until the very end. This whole piece was just so beautiful, and this is going to sound a bit weird, but even though it is so beautiful and fluffy and cute, there is this sense of poignancy that simply rings throughout it. It shows in your narration, which is amazing, by the way.

I remember reading 'Her Only Choice'. It was the first fic I'd read by you, and now I think of this and I have to say that your writing has grown by leaps and bounds. You've improved in so many ways. I think you understand human emotion better now and you're able to churn out these pieces that just hit me. They hit me so SO hard, Nadia. I'm still reeling from all that this story is.

As for the plot itself, I'd have to say that it develops beautifully. I love how you can see the clear stages in their relationship. It's all so well defined, but nothing is out of place. The transition from friends to more, though not explicitly described, seems to happen quite smoothly. I especially loved the selection of scenes you have here, the choice of which moments to depict in writing is really excellent. You've brought out all the perfect moments.

I loved all these moments in between because they're all so cute and awkward and sweet. Sometimes, there's more to it than meets the eye and they really show us how much they love each other, especially Teddy! Speaking of Teddy, I want him. And I want to be Rose. Isn't she the luckiest ever? :)

Their conversations were just so... SO... awwh worthy.I absolutely loved the awkwardness and the humour in them too. The age difference between them is quite evident through the conversations ('How was school?' ;) ), and I liked that because it was one of those subtle things about your piece that didn't need to be stated or explained. The story lay in the details. It takes real talent to write that way and master it. Congrats :)
And that snowball fight scene? Sneaky, sneaky, Nads. Very sneaky. ;) I just had a proper laugh at that because, well, like EVERYBODY else (I'm sure), I fell for your little... deception act. It was a really nice touch and it diffused the otherwise serious note of the piece.

It wasn't entirely fluff though. It was very well balanced because while this had its fair share of extremely cute moments, there were also parts of it that were quite serious.serious. You've managed to write two diametrically opposite genres in a way that seems so natural. It just flowed. I really really loved it. And that beautiful narration just tied it all together.

Stylistically, I'm glad you gave this a shot. You've done a great job of telling a tale while switching up styles, without it being too confusing. In the beginning, I did have to re-read a bit because I was bust trying to figure out whom you were talking about and how the piece was structured, but after reading through a bit, I got too lost in the story and it all just made sense. I loved it.

You starting lines were really lovely and they just drew me in. Initially, I thought he was talking about Victoire, but after that idea of dismissed and Scorpius was mentioned, I realised that it was about Rose. And even though it did break my heart a little, it was totally worth it. I loved this story too much. Speaking of Victoire and Scorpius, I really like the fact that you didn't completely disregard them. That would seem sort of unrealistic and would raise a lot of questions. I like how you somehow offered an explanation for why those relationships could not have worked out at all.

Well, I'm sorry. It's really late at night and I'm not sure if this review made as much sense as it was supposed to. I'll PM you stuff as and when I remember. I love you and your talents and this story and your writing and every thing :) It was truly truly beautiful and when you manage to combine fluff with humour and a touch of angst, how. Just HOW could you not have a winner? Well done Nadia :)

Love
Adi

P.S- Check your favs, love.

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Review #25, by randomwriterNED: 1

12th February 2014:
Hey there, Lo :)

I'd seen that you'd put up a status about this a few days ago and I've been wanting to read it because it seemed really unique, but I've been hard pressed for time lately.

I'm glad I found the time, though :) Because this was a really sweet one-shot. It was light and fluffy and it hit all the right spots. I also liked the theme (the whole NED thing). It was really cool and fun :)

As for your characterisation, I loved Molly. She's usually portrayed as a forgettable, easy-to-hate character. I'm glad you gave her a new spin on things. It was nice to read about someone likable and relate-able :) I loved how you were able to develop her character really well in such a short piece. As for Gregory, I really think he's a charmer and if he was real, he'd be the kind of guy I'd love to get to know ;) Teddy too was pleasant and funny :) The only issue I had with him was his shift in careers, which seemed slightly odd, especially because they're both careers that are specialised enough to require higher studies. Regarding the 'rents, I did find it a little hard to digest the fact that Percy would be more proud of a model that a healer. His characterisation seemed ever so slight off.

As for typos, I did notice a couple of places where you'd said 'anyways'. I think you meant to say 'anyway'. And there was this other place where I think you'd said 'knowing at her NED jealousy', where I think you meant to say 'gnawing'. Apart from these, you seem to be good :)

I really did enjoy this piece and I'll be sure to re-visit when I'd like a light, fun read :) This was amazing!

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